At Last the 1948 Show (1967) s02e05 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 5
1 (FANFARE PLAYS) (IN A LOFTY VOICE): The congregation will now rise and sing Hymn 264.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (IN AN ANXIOUS VOICE): Please? Eighty-four, that's a nice tune.
Hundred and six, you always like that! Tell you what two verses of 46 and then you can go home.
One verse? Oh Will somebody please sing something? (MUSIC: "OKLAHOMA" BY GORDON MACRAE) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet (FANFARE PLAYS) NARRATOR: Yes, it's At Last The 1948 Show Introduced as usual by the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Hello, everyone.
Old ones, new ones Gay ones, blue ones Happy ones, sad ones Good ones and long ones With nails sticking in them.
But first, a sketch.
(CHORD PLAYS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) Out! Out! Out! I'm telling you, if you don't pay your bill, I'll let you go mad.
Bloody loonies wasting my time with their stupid - Oh, good evening.
- Good evening.
- I was told to come in here.
- Quite right too.
- You haven't been here before, have you? - No.
- Fine, my name's Dr Gilbert.
- How do you do? My name's Gibbonposture.
(HE LAUGHS) Ahem.
Er, I'm so sorry.
Now, are you a bed-wetter? - I'm sorry? - Are you a bed-wetter? - Well, not since I was - Right.
Well, you sit on the chair, I'll lie on the couch.
Better safe than sorry.
Now, um Are you under the impression that you're Kenneth Wolstenholme? I'm sorry? Do you think that you're Kenneth Wolstenholme? - No, of course not.
- Good.
'Cause I've got five of them already and it's getting a bit tricky keeping their appointments apart.
Coming in here in their dirty macs, shouting irrelevant information.
Why Kenneth Wolstenholme? That's what I want to know.
Still, if you're round the twist.
Now, um Name.
- Gibbonposture.
- Oh, yeah.
Possible - looney.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, I want you to tell me anything on your mind.
Any little problems, it doesn't matter how personal.
And I want you to feel absolutely at your ease while you're here because of course anything you say to me will be in the strictest confidence.
Ooh, I must tell you about the bloke who was in here this morning! Um, what's his name? Tony Sullivan.
He works in the bank round the corner.
You must know him.
He spent his lunch hour up in that cupboard, you know.
Said the swans were after him.
Oh, dear! He looked a right pothouse.
You know, I've got some photographs of him.
These'll make you laugh.
Oh, no.
Wait a moment, I left them at the golf club.
Never mind.
Um - Where was I? - Strictest confidence.
Oh, yeah, yeah and all that.
Right, well, what are the problems then? Well, it's rather embarrassing to say, really, I - Mm-hm? - I don't like to tell people 'cause I'm frightened of them laughing at me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I don't know quite how to put it, but - Sometimes, I - Good Lord, is that the time? - No, go on, go on, go on.
- Well - It's just that sometimes - I get this feeling that comes over - Carry on! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - But I get this I don't know - Shh! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Blasted woman.
- I'm sorry, what were you saying? - Well Try to relax, strewth! L-I am trying to, um - Well, it's, it's, it's happened - (BUZZER SOUNDS) - Go on, go on.
- Well, it's happened more recently - when I met girls for the first - Yes! SECRETARY: Mr Biddlecombe's here, sir He's in a bit of a state and he's wondering if you can see him at six.
Certainly not! Tell him to go to hell! Say I've a good mind to report him to the police, ugh! Dirty old man.
I can't stand people like that and their grovelling for sympathy.
Ugh! Needs a damn good thrashing.
I'm sorry, I interrupted.
Well, I was saying that now I've started to meet girls in the course of my business - and at parties and socially and - (PSYCHIATRIST SIGHS) - Well, I don't like to tell them somehow.
- Come on, come on.
Well, it's not a thing - you can tell people easily.
- Come on, come on! - Spit it out! Stop beating about the bush! - Well, sometimes - Sometimes, I think, sometimes - Ugh.
They won't tell you, you know.
Five guineas an hour and they won't tell you.
Look, what's the matter? You come in here, you won't say what's up.
It's all bloody mumbling.
I can't hear a word you're saying! You're all tensed up like all the other nuts who come in here! It's not much fun listening to your type of looney drivel eight hours a day, you know! It's so bloody boring for one thing.
Oh, my God, it's so boring.
So will you please tell me once and for all in God's name, what's the matter with you? - I think I'm a rabbit.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You stupid looney, of course you're not a rabbit! - Pull yourself together! - I am a rabbit! Look! Look, if you were a rabbit, you'd have great long ears, wouldn't you? They dropped off when I came in! Look! You say you're a rabbit once more and I'll smash your face in! Now what are you? I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a dog.
Right, that's better.
Here's a bone, we'll take it from there next week.
- Come on! - (PATIENT WOOFS) - (FANFARE PLAYS) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) Uh, well, here's the model of the new town centre.
There are one or two points I'd like to take up with you.
Um, over here where the cemetery was, we're going to have recreational parkland.
Yes, yes.
Over here, the Staybaker memorial building.
Now, we did discuss the parking apron out the front there, right? There's also going to be a parking enclosure round the back for a further 200 cars, now, um behind the cathedral over here, there, is the police station.
This will mean a certain amount of road widening but we did take this into account when we originally drew up no, thanks.
When we originally drew up the file.
Now, the memorial here, I can't remember what it's for but I know there is a memorial here.
Um, and um yes, alright.
What we plan to do is (HE GASPS) - MAN: What's the matter? - The cathedral was poisoned! Nobody move.
I have reason to believe that this cathedral is poisoned.
Good God! How did you know? Call it an inspired guess.
Alright, it's an inspired guess.
Thank you.
Ha-ha! - Too late, I see.
The cathedral? - Yes.
- Of course.
- Who are you? - Your hands clean? - Yes.
My card.
- Four of clubs? - Correct.
Now you.
Were you on holiday in Spain this January? - Yes.
- Very well.
What is the Spanish word for horse? Caballo.
That's the crossword then.
Right, now what is your profession? - I'm an architect.
- And yours? I'm a poisoned-model-cathedral maker.
Ooh! Ha-ha! You fell for my little trick! I don't like it though, it's somehow too simple.
(HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF) Stage forward! So, I'm going to arrest you instead! Alright, I admit it! I (HE LAUGHS) It was just a foolish prank! But you won't take me alive! Ungh Ungh If only people would realise where these foolish pranks sometimes end.
Goodnight.
("SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" PLAYS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (MUSIC: EXTRACT FROM "SWAN LAKE" BY TCHAIKOVSKY) Do you realise that during the time it took me to play that little piece forty-five babies were born in China? Now for the Indian babies.
(SHE REPLAYS THE EXTRACT) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (MUSIC: "THEME TO THE AVENGERS" BY JOHN DANKWORTH) Come in! Do you want tea, sir? Uh, no, no.
Not tea today.
I wanted to see you about something else, come on in.
Er, now, you've been doing the tea here for years and years.
So it may come as something of a surprise to you to hear that I'm the head of the secret service.
No, sir, it's written on the door.
- Oh, yes.
Shh, mum's the word.
- Invisible ink.
Shtum, say nothing.
Now, what I want you to do is that I want you to do me a little favour.
- Well, what's that, sir? - I want you to set fire to the Kremlin.
What? In Moscow, sir? Uh unless you know of one nearer, yes.
Well, I mean, haven't you got spies for that sort of thing, sir? Ah, um, now, how can I answer that? Um No.
No.
We had lots, you see.
But it does seem that they all tend to be just a little bit dead.
So, of the only man available, I've selected you.
Congratulations and well done.
Now, burning down the Kremlin, well, you'll need one or two things.
There are the cans of paraffin and the matches, uh Ah! Well, I'm sure you'll be able to buy matches in Moscow.
- Well, I've got some matches, sir.
- What? Jolly good! Well done! You know, I think I picked the right man for the job.
A man with matches.
- Well, jolly good and out you go then.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, uh.
There is one thing, sir.
How do I get there? How do you get there? Ah! What an awfully good point.
You know, I completely forgot.
I'm most frightfully sorry.
Well, we're going to drop you into Moscow from a plane.
By parachute? Uh no, no.
Uh, but there'll be a trampoline waiting for you.
Possibly.
Now, Moscow - Moscow's on the sea.
- No, begging your pardon, sir.
- It's not, sir, no.
- Isn't it? Oh, well let's have a look at this map here.
It's a little bit out of date, I'm afraid, but not to worry.
Now, you leave from there.
Uh, you fly over Gaul and we drop you just north of the Holy Roman Empire along here.
Land of the Visigoths, there.
St Petersburg.
Which we now call Moscow.
See? Was on the sea.
- Well, out you go then and jolly good luck.
- Thank you, sir.
Oh! Ah, uh Uh, wouldn't I need something like a forged passport or something, sir? My goodness, you've done it again! A passport, of course.
Now, passport would be in the filing cabinet filing cabinet, F.
Funny, it's not there.
Try under "P", sir.
- "P"? "P" for what? - "P" for passport, sir.
- Good thinking.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Funny, there's a rabbit in here.
- Shouldn't be under "P".
- Oh, it's "P, Q & R", sir.
So it is.
Anyway It's a hare, I'll put it under "H".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Keep the hedgehog company, now there we are.
There's a passport, name on it is Dimitri Stephanopoulus.
Jolly good lad.
- Well, it's a Greek passport, sir.
- Oh, is it? So it is.
That won't do, will it? Hang on.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Russian passport.
Right, now.
Have a look at the photo.
Oh, dear.
Screw your face up a bit.
Show your teeth more, good.
Good, and a scar there.
Right, well.
There you are.
Off you go then and jolly good oh! Almost forgot.
Unarmed combat.
Do you know anything about it? - Well, not really, sir, no.
- Oh, right.
Tomkins! Ah, Tomkins, I want you to show this chap all about unarmed combat.
- Show him some of the stuff with the knife.
- Right.
Here's the knife.
I want you to come at me as hard as you can.
Go on, you know.
- Really hard, see if you can get through.
- Like a bat out of hell.
- Have I got to, sir? - See if you can get through, go on.
- It's the only way to learn.
- Hard as you like.
(HE GRUNTS) - Was that alright, sir? - Absolutely first class, well done.
Bad luck, Tomkins.
Now, equipment.
Let's give you some equipment.
Now, what have we got here? Ah, yes.
Now, do you know what this is? It's a watch, sir.
Jolly good, well done.
- Do you know how to use one? - I think so, sir.
Even better, well done.
Now, do you know what this is? It's the watch again.
So it is.
Now, this watch is shock-proof.
Watch.
Knickers! See? No reaction at all.
There, I'm going to give you this.
- What do you say? - Thank you.
Good.
Now, here's a pen for writing under curry and here's a plate of curry for you to write under.
And, oh! And, uh I'd better just give you this.
- What's that for, sir? - Luck.
Right, well off you go then and jolly good luck.
- Don't forget the paraffin.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, there is one thing, sir.
- Yes? What happens if I get killed? - If you get killed? - Yes, sir.
Don't worry, Mrs Tomkins can make the tea.
I'm not as cruel as this in real life, you know.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) - (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) - Next! It was an accident, sir! I was playing the ball.
- Now, you're Ernie Grutt.
- Yeah, Tom.
- "Sir"! - Sir.
Now, as chairman of this club, I've called you here because of your behaviour in last Saturday's match.
- I was playing the ball, sir.
- Quiet, Grutt.
Now, the referee's report says that you tripped Harry Lumpett kicked him on the side of the knee, trod on his face and spat at him.
I was playing the ball, sir.
This was before the match had started, Grutt! It was unintentional, sir.
I deeply regret that my hot-headed actions should have given cause for grievance.
Actions, Grutt.
Actions! When the referee came up to caution you, you made certain suggestions to him with regard to his whistle which would not only have been painful but also quite unseemly in front of 78,000 spectators! - Some of them women.
- It was a joke, sir.
The referee misinterpreted it, didn't he? Did he also misinterpret your actions when he said he saw you butting the Reverend Albert Firkinshaw in the throat? The reverend who? Where was he playing? - I don't remember him, sir.
- He was in the crowd! Oh, him! Oh, he provoked me, didn't he, sir? - Bottle throwing.
- He was throwing bottles? Well, no, sir, I was, and he threw one back.
You were throwing bottles at the crowd? It's up to the players to do something about hooliganism on the terraces.
- I deeply regret that - Quiet, Grutt! - It was only - Quiet! - I was playing - Quiet! Now, immediately after our team's first goal there was an incident involving you and your centre forward.
I was congratulating him, sir.
We're prepared to allow kissing, Grutt, but that's as far as it goes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I got excited, sir, didn't I? Obviously! Obviously! We've seen the television recording.
It's the first time the Sportsview studios have been raided by the police.
The film also shows the tackle you made two minutes later on Ted Buzzard.
- I was going for the ball, sir.
- You were not, Grutt.
We've only been able to watch the film twice.
The second time, the rest of this committee had nervous breakdowns.
I'm the survivor.
I didn't mean it, sir, I was playing the ball.
It was more like a bloody war-crime, Grutt! How did you hide that hacksaw in your shorts? I don't I don't know, sir.
I just don't know how it got in there.
- I s'pose I found it - Again! Again, the referee cautioned you - and then he asked you your name.
- Yeah.
You're not Mary bloody Poppins, are you? It was a joke, sir, he misheard, sir.
He misheard, see? He's only got one ear, this referee, as a result of an accident.
He had two ears at the beginning of the afternoon, Grutt and he had two ears when he came up to caution you.
He fell against me, sir, just as I was shutting my mouth and his ear come away in me teeth, didn't it? Eh? - So, he ordered you off.
- Yes, sir.
- And you killed him.
- Oh, no, sir! No! He committed suicide, didn't he, by beating his head against my boot? That's all! And then you started burying him in the goalmouth.
I didn't want to hold the game up, sir.
It is not the first time this has happened, Grutt.
No, sir.
- Football is a game for gentlemen.
- Yes, sir.
It's the game that matters.
What are you gonna do to me, sir? Give you a bonus, lad, we won.
But next time, if you're gonna break someone's leg - make sure you go above the knee - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Come on, Kincaid, posse's on our tail.
Let's hightail it out of here.
If'n we're quick, we can cut across Deadman's Valley over there through Cold Corpse Canyon across Broken Bone Mountain through Gallow Tree Gorge over there to Slaughter Rock.
No, let's go the pretty way! - High ho, Limp Biscuit! - (FANFARE PLAYS) Everybody has songs they like to sing when they're down in the dumps.
I know I have.
This is a little song I wrote to chase away old Mr Blues and it's dedicated to me.
I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald All together now, one, two, three (ALL SING): # I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald # I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald - I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald! - # I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald # Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald Oh, that was nice.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (SHOW MUSIC PLAYS) Thank you, thank you so much.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Thank you.
Thank you very much, lovely to have you with us, super, wonderful.
Super, thank you so much.
Thank you! Thank you! - (SHOW MUSIC FADES) - (SHOW MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER) - Now thank you! Thank you, very kind.
I've had my build up, thank you very much.
Welcome and good evening, everybody.
Tonight, I shall be talking to the Minister of Education the Right Honourable Harold Bingham about the future of public schools.
But first, we're going to take a look at alligator wrestling snake charming and pearl diving.
Some of which explains this large tank of water which we have in the studio here.
Well, let's begin by meeting the man who wrestles with alligators - Mr Brian Instance.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Welcome, Brian.
Very nice to see you, will you take a seat? Super.
Now, Brian, super.
Now, the thing is, what I'm basically driving at is uh, how long have you been doing this wrestling? - Oh, about ten years now.
- Ten years.
Super, now, what I mean, what I mean is now, the thing is, what I'm really actually driving at is how did it all start? Oh, well, I've always been a bit of a wrestler and then when I was 17, our family moved to Gatwick.
What I've been, uh, what I'm really I s'pose what I'm really, what I mean, what the thing is, basically, uh, basically Are there many alligators - in Gatwick then? - I'm sorry? Are there many alligators actually in Gatwick? Alligators? There's no alligators in Gatwick.
I see, uh - So, uh, oh, I see.
- BRIAN: No! Well, how, how did this How, how did this all start then when you, when you got to Gatwick? Oh, well, you see, we used to live close to the aerodrome so I used to be able to get along there most afternoons.
To wrestle the alligators, yes.
No, the aviators! - I beg your pardon? - The aviators at the aerodrome.
I thought you wrestled alligators.
No, no, aviators.
I said quite clearly on the phone.
- Oh, I see, uh - I've got an aviator here.
Oh, super.
Wonderful.
Lovely to have you on the programme.
- Um - No alligators at all! And so you'll be doing the wrestling now.
I'll tell you what, super.
We've got this large tank of water.
How about wrestling in the tank? - In the water? - Super.
Can we have the cameras over on the tank? Lovely, marvellous.
- We don't usually wrestle in water.
- Isn't that fun? Super.
- We don't usually wrestle in the water.
- No, super, wonderful.
- This is television.
- I hope it'll be alright for you.
Lots of people watching, marvellous, super.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - (HOST MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) - (BELL RINGS) - MAN: Round one! (THEY GRUNT) Well, there we have aviator wrestling.
Not alligator wrestling perhaps but wrestling nevertheless.
Super.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT) - And now could we have quiet, please? - WRESTLER: We haven't finished yet! - Could we have quiet, please? Thank you very much.
And now we turn, uh, one in fact one of the most sensational of the traditional Eastern arts is snake charming.
But tonight in the studio, we've found an Englishman a Dorset dentist who in his spare time charms snakes.
Now, I'd like you all to meet Mr Brian Estuary.
Super, wonderful, lovely to have you on the programme.
I see you've brought your basket with you there.
Oh, yes.
They're all in there.
- All of them? More than one, is there? - Oh, yes.
Lots and lots of them.
And I charm them with this cornet.
A cornet.
I thought, actually, I thought actually I thought it was a bit loud, the cornet.
Oh, no, no, no.
It has to be loud, you see, otherwise they can't hear it under the water.
- Under the water? - Yes, you see the majority of hake charmers do use a cornet.
I can understand that, but what what charmers? Hake charmers.
Hake fish.
Hake fish, hake.
I did say so quite clearly over the telephone.
- Oh yes.
- Would you like me to put them in the tank - and start charming them now? - Oh super, that would be marvellous, yes.
Oh, wizard! Lovely, could we have you over? Could we have the camera round on the tank, please? - Oh, we've got some aviator wrestling.
- It's alright, the hake don't mind.
- Oh, good.
- No, no.
They like aviators.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT) - In you go, my pretties! Well, we don't need this now.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT) - (CORNET PLAYS) Hake charming, not snake charming perhaps, but charming nonetheless.
And now we turn Can we have quiet, please? Could we have quiet, please? This is a prestige programme.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
We now turn to the third of our strange hobbies for this evening.
Pearl diving, and we have in the studio a Dagenham housewife who, in her spare time, dives for pearls.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Super of you to come.
- Marvellous, thank you, now you are - Yes, that is my name.
If I may interrupt you, as I usually do.
If I may say Yes, I'm Pearl Diver.
- You are a pearl diver? - Yes, I am Mrs Pearl Diver.
- Mrs Pearl Diver? - Yes.
Um, oh, I see, but you, uh you do dive for pearls? Oh, no, no, no.
(SHE LAUGHS) - No, no, no.
- I was given all these notes by my researchers and things, saying that you'd come along and show us how you can swim underwater for long periods.
Oh, no.
I sing underwater for long periods.
- You sing? - Yes.
- I said so quite clearly over the phone.
- Underwater? Yes, shall I show you? No, please.
What about the duel with the shark? - Um, that's what's - Oh, no.
No duel with a shark! But a duet with Mr Clark.
(HE IMITATES HER VOICE): "Duet with Mr Clark!" - Oh, ah, good evening.
- Good evening.
- You must be Mr Clark and not the shark.
- That's right.
Shall we get into the tank, then? Well, why not? Everybody else is.
Uh, can we have Excuse me, can we have the camera round on the tank? - (PEARL DIVER SINGS) - (CORNET PLAYS) - (ALL SING) - (CORNET PLAYS) (THEY CLAMOUR) I've got one of the hake charmed.
- Do you wanna come and see? - Will you push off, please? - Uh, we now turn - This charm is beautiful.
- You wanna come and see the hake? - Now, this is a prestige programme.
Keep quiet! Now, we turn to the very interesting subject - (CORNET PLAYS) - We're going to meet Quiet, please! We're going to meet the man that everybody's been talking about this week and the subject of the public schools.
The Minister of Education, the Right Honourable Harold Bingham.
Good evening, good evening.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - Good evening, Mr Bingham.
Harold.
Would you like to take a seat? - Good God, what's going on? - It's alright, Minister.
- Would you like to take a seat, please? - (CORNET PLAYS) I think I'm losing contact with reality.
Uh, no, Minister, I don't think you are.
He's Mr Clark, not the shark.
I'm the Minister of Education.
Yes, that's marvellous, I'm terribly pleased.
- Who are you? - I'm the aviator wrestler from Gatwick.
Really? I'm the Minister of Education.
He's Mr Clark, not a shark.
Now, Minister, what would your (HE SINGS): # I'm the Minister of Education # - (HOST BABBLES INCOHERENTLY) # I'm the Minister of Education # Well, I think I'm going to go in the tank.
No, Minister, the tank isn't for you! I'm the Minister of Education I'm the Minister of Education I'm the Minister of Education And I'm jumping in I think I'd better go and aske the audience what they think about all this.
And uh, oh, there's the music for the end of the programme.
I'm afraid that's all for tonight, you may not admire this sort of programme but you must admit it does make good television.
Goodnight.
Oh dear, there goes my knighthood.
Oh dear, how terrible.
Uh, Minister? Minister, I'd like to talk to you about such things as becoming a knight.
- Or preferably, you know - (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) I'm very interested in becoming a life peer.
You see, Minister No, Minister Minister, the thing is, it's all very well - (HOST BABBLES) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) NARRATOR: That was a Rediffusion, London production.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (IN AN ANXIOUS VOICE): Please? Eighty-four, that's a nice tune.
Hundred and six, you always like that! Tell you what two verses of 46 and then you can go home.
One verse? Oh Will somebody please sing something? (MUSIC: "OKLAHOMA" BY GORDON MACRAE) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet (FANFARE PLAYS) NARRATOR: Yes, it's At Last The 1948 Show Introduced as usual by the lovely Aimi MacDonald.
Hello, everyone.
Old ones, new ones Gay ones, blue ones Happy ones, sad ones Good ones and long ones With nails sticking in them.
But first, a sketch.
(CHORD PLAYS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) Out! Out! Out! I'm telling you, if you don't pay your bill, I'll let you go mad.
Bloody loonies wasting my time with their stupid - Oh, good evening.
- Good evening.
- I was told to come in here.
- Quite right too.
- You haven't been here before, have you? - No.
- Fine, my name's Dr Gilbert.
- How do you do? My name's Gibbonposture.
(HE LAUGHS) Ahem.
Er, I'm so sorry.
Now, are you a bed-wetter? - I'm sorry? - Are you a bed-wetter? - Well, not since I was - Right.
Well, you sit on the chair, I'll lie on the couch.
Better safe than sorry.
Now, um Are you under the impression that you're Kenneth Wolstenholme? I'm sorry? Do you think that you're Kenneth Wolstenholme? - No, of course not.
- Good.
'Cause I've got five of them already and it's getting a bit tricky keeping their appointments apart.
Coming in here in their dirty macs, shouting irrelevant information.
Why Kenneth Wolstenholme? That's what I want to know.
Still, if you're round the twist.
Now, um Name.
- Gibbonposture.
- Oh, yeah.
Possible - looney.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, I want you to tell me anything on your mind.
Any little problems, it doesn't matter how personal.
And I want you to feel absolutely at your ease while you're here because of course anything you say to me will be in the strictest confidence.
Ooh, I must tell you about the bloke who was in here this morning! Um, what's his name? Tony Sullivan.
He works in the bank round the corner.
You must know him.
He spent his lunch hour up in that cupboard, you know.
Said the swans were after him.
Oh, dear! He looked a right pothouse.
You know, I've got some photographs of him.
These'll make you laugh.
Oh, no.
Wait a moment, I left them at the golf club.
Never mind.
Um - Where was I? - Strictest confidence.
Oh, yeah, yeah and all that.
Right, well, what are the problems then? Well, it's rather embarrassing to say, really, I - Mm-hm? - I don't like to tell people 'cause I'm frightened of them laughing at me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I don't know quite how to put it, but - Sometimes, I - Good Lord, is that the time? - No, go on, go on, go on.
- Well - It's just that sometimes - I get this feeling that comes over - Carry on! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - But I get this I don't know - Shh! (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Blasted woman.
- I'm sorry, what were you saying? - Well Try to relax, strewth! L-I am trying to, um - Well, it's, it's, it's happened - (BUZZER SOUNDS) - Go on, go on.
- Well, it's happened more recently - when I met girls for the first - Yes! SECRETARY: Mr Biddlecombe's here, sir He's in a bit of a state and he's wondering if you can see him at six.
Certainly not! Tell him to go to hell! Say I've a good mind to report him to the police, ugh! Dirty old man.
I can't stand people like that and their grovelling for sympathy.
Ugh! Needs a damn good thrashing.
I'm sorry, I interrupted.
Well, I was saying that now I've started to meet girls in the course of my business - and at parties and socially and - (PSYCHIATRIST SIGHS) - Well, I don't like to tell them somehow.
- Come on, come on.
Well, it's not a thing - you can tell people easily.
- Come on, come on! - Spit it out! Stop beating about the bush! - Well, sometimes - Sometimes, I think, sometimes - Ugh.
They won't tell you, you know.
Five guineas an hour and they won't tell you.
Look, what's the matter? You come in here, you won't say what's up.
It's all bloody mumbling.
I can't hear a word you're saying! You're all tensed up like all the other nuts who come in here! It's not much fun listening to your type of looney drivel eight hours a day, you know! It's so bloody boring for one thing.
Oh, my God, it's so boring.
So will you please tell me once and for all in God's name, what's the matter with you? - I think I'm a rabbit.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) You stupid looney, of course you're not a rabbit! - Pull yourself together! - I am a rabbit! Look! Look, if you were a rabbit, you'd have great long ears, wouldn't you? They dropped off when I came in! Look! You say you're a rabbit once more and I'll smash your face in! Now what are you? I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a dog.
Right, that's better.
Here's a bone, we'll take it from there next week.
- Come on! - (PATIENT WOOFS) - (FANFARE PLAYS) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) Uh, well, here's the model of the new town centre.
There are one or two points I'd like to take up with you.
Um, over here where the cemetery was, we're going to have recreational parkland.
Yes, yes.
Over here, the Staybaker memorial building.
Now, we did discuss the parking apron out the front there, right? There's also going to be a parking enclosure round the back for a further 200 cars, now, um behind the cathedral over here, there, is the police station.
This will mean a certain amount of road widening but we did take this into account when we originally drew up no, thanks.
When we originally drew up the file.
Now, the memorial here, I can't remember what it's for but I know there is a memorial here.
Um, and um yes, alright.
What we plan to do is (HE GASPS) - MAN: What's the matter? - The cathedral was poisoned! Nobody move.
I have reason to believe that this cathedral is poisoned.
Good God! How did you know? Call it an inspired guess.
Alright, it's an inspired guess.
Thank you.
Ha-ha! - Too late, I see.
The cathedral? - Yes.
- Of course.
- Who are you? - Your hands clean? - Yes.
My card.
- Four of clubs? - Correct.
Now you.
Were you on holiday in Spain this January? - Yes.
- Very well.
What is the Spanish word for horse? Caballo.
That's the crossword then.
Right, now what is your profession? - I'm an architect.
- And yours? I'm a poisoned-model-cathedral maker.
Ooh! Ha-ha! You fell for my little trick! I don't like it though, it's somehow too simple.
(HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF) Stage forward! So, I'm going to arrest you instead! Alright, I admit it! I (HE LAUGHS) It was just a foolish prank! But you won't take me alive! Ungh Ungh If only people would realise where these foolish pranks sometimes end.
Goodnight.
("SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" PLAYS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (MUSIC: EXTRACT FROM "SWAN LAKE" BY TCHAIKOVSKY) Do you realise that during the time it took me to play that little piece forty-five babies were born in China? Now for the Indian babies.
(SHE REPLAYS THE EXTRACT) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (MUSIC: "THEME TO THE AVENGERS" BY JOHN DANKWORTH) Come in! Do you want tea, sir? Uh, no, no.
Not tea today.
I wanted to see you about something else, come on in.
Er, now, you've been doing the tea here for years and years.
So it may come as something of a surprise to you to hear that I'm the head of the secret service.
No, sir, it's written on the door.
- Oh, yes.
Shh, mum's the word.
- Invisible ink.
Shtum, say nothing.
Now, what I want you to do is that I want you to do me a little favour.
- Well, what's that, sir? - I want you to set fire to the Kremlin.
What? In Moscow, sir? Uh unless you know of one nearer, yes.
Well, I mean, haven't you got spies for that sort of thing, sir? Ah, um, now, how can I answer that? Um No.
No.
We had lots, you see.
But it does seem that they all tend to be just a little bit dead.
So, of the only man available, I've selected you.
Congratulations and well done.
Now, burning down the Kremlin, well, you'll need one or two things.
There are the cans of paraffin and the matches, uh Ah! Well, I'm sure you'll be able to buy matches in Moscow.
- Well, I've got some matches, sir.
- What? Jolly good! Well done! You know, I think I picked the right man for the job.
A man with matches.
- Well, jolly good and out you go then.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, uh.
There is one thing, sir.
How do I get there? How do you get there? Ah! What an awfully good point.
You know, I completely forgot.
I'm most frightfully sorry.
Well, we're going to drop you into Moscow from a plane.
By parachute? Uh no, no.
Uh, but there'll be a trampoline waiting for you.
Possibly.
Now, Moscow - Moscow's on the sea.
- No, begging your pardon, sir.
- It's not, sir, no.
- Isn't it? Oh, well let's have a look at this map here.
It's a little bit out of date, I'm afraid, but not to worry.
Now, you leave from there.
Uh, you fly over Gaul and we drop you just north of the Holy Roman Empire along here.
Land of the Visigoths, there.
St Petersburg.
Which we now call Moscow.
See? Was on the sea.
- Well, out you go then and jolly good luck.
- Thank you, sir.
Oh! Ah, uh Uh, wouldn't I need something like a forged passport or something, sir? My goodness, you've done it again! A passport, of course.
Now, passport would be in the filing cabinet filing cabinet, F.
Funny, it's not there.
Try under "P", sir.
- "P"? "P" for what? - "P" for passport, sir.
- Good thinking.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Funny, there's a rabbit in here.
- Shouldn't be under "P".
- Oh, it's "P, Q & R", sir.
So it is.
Anyway It's a hare, I'll put it under "H".
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Keep the hedgehog company, now there we are.
There's a passport, name on it is Dimitri Stephanopoulus.
Jolly good lad.
- Well, it's a Greek passport, sir.
- Oh, is it? So it is.
That won't do, will it? Hang on.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Russian passport.
Right, now.
Have a look at the photo.
Oh, dear.
Screw your face up a bit.
Show your teeth more, good.
Good, and a scar there.
Right, well.
There you are.
Off you go then and jolly good oh! Almost forgot.
Unarmed combat.
Do you know anything about it? - Well, not really, sir, no.
- Oh, right.
Tomkins! Ah, Tomkins, I want you to show this chap all about unarmed combat.
- Show him some of the stuff with the knife.
- Right.
Here's the knife.
I want you to come at me as hard as you can.
Go on, you know.
- Really hard, see if you can get through.
- Like a bat out of hell.
- Have I got to, sir? - See if you can get through, go on.
- It's the only way to learn.
- Hard as you like.
(HE GRUNTS) - Was that alright, sir? - Absolutely first class, well done.
Bad luck, Tomkins.
Now, equipment.
Let's give you some equipment.
Now, what have we got here? Ah, yes.
Now, do you know what this is? It's a watch, sir.
Jolly good, well done.
- Do you know how to use one? - I think so, sir.
Even better, well done.
Now, do you know what this is? It's the watch again.
So it is.
Now, this watch is shock-proof.
Watch.
Knickers! See? No reaction at all.
There, I'm going to give you this.
- What do you say? - Thank you.
Good.
Now, here's a pen for writing under curry and here's a plate of curry for you to write under.
And, oh! And, uh I'd better just give you this.
- What's that for, sir? - Luck.
Right, well off you go then and jolly good luck.
- Don't forget the paraffin.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, there is one thing, sir.
- Yes? What happens if I get killed? - If you get killed? - Yes, sir.
Don't worry, Mrs Tomkins can make the tea.
I'm not as cruel as this in real life, you know.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) - (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) - Next! It was an accident, sir! I was playing the ball.
- Now, you're Ernie Grutt.
- Yeah, Tom.
- "Sir"! - Sir.
Now, as chairman of this club, I've called you here because of your behaviour in last Saturday's match.
- I was playing the ball, sir.
- Quiet, Grutt.
Now, the referee's report says that you tripped Harry Lumpett kicked him on the side of the knee, trod on his face and spat at him.
I was playing the ball, sir.
This was before the match had started, Grutt! It was unintentional, sir.
I deeply regret that my hot-headed actions should have given cause for grievance.
Actions, Grutt.
Actions! When the referee came up to caution you, you made certain suggestions to him with regard to his whistle which would not only have been painful but also quite unseemly in front of 78,000 spectators! - Some of them women.
- It was a joke, sir.
The referee misinterpreted it, didn't he? Did he also misinterpret your actions when he said he saw you butting the Reverend Albert Firkinshaw in the throat? The reverend who? Where was he playing? - I don't remember him, sir.
- He was in the crowd! Oh, him! Oh, he provoked me, didn't he, sir? - Bottle throwing.
- He was throwing bottles? Well, no, sir, I was, and he threw one back.
You were throwing bottles at the crowd? It's up to the players to do something about hooliganism on the terraces.
- I deeply regret that - Quiet, Grutt! - It was only - Quiet! - I was playing - Quiet! Now, immediately after our team's first goal there was an incident involving you and your centre forward.
I was congratulating him, sir.
We're prepared to allow kissing, Grutt, but that's as far as it goes.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I got excited, sir, didn't I? Obviously! Obviously! We've seen the television recording.
It's the first time the Sportsview studios have been raided by the police.
The film also shows the tackle you made two minutes later on Ted Buzzard.
- I was going for the ball, sir.
- You were not, Grutt.
We've only been able to watch the film twice.
The second time, the rest of this committee had nervous breakdowns.
I'm the survivor.
I didn't mean it, sir, I was playing the ball.
It was more like a bloody war-crime, Grutt! How did you hide that hacksaw in your shorts? I don't I don't know, sir.
I just don't know how it got in there.
- I s'pose I found it - Again! Again, the referee cautioned you - and then he asked you your name.
- Yeah.
You're not Mary bloody Poppins, are you? It was a joke, sir, he misheard, sir.
He misheard, see? He's only got one ear, this referee, as a result of an accident.
He had two ears at the beginning of the afternoon, Grutt and he had two ears when he came up to caution you.
He fell against me, sir, just as I was shutting my mouth and his ear come away in me teeth, didn't it? Eh? - So, he ordered you off.
- Yes, sir.
- And you killed him.
- Oh, no, sir! No! He committed suicide, didn't he, by beating his head against my boot? That's all! And then you started burying him in the goalmouth.
I didn't want to hold the game up, sir.
It is not the first time this has happened, Grutt.
No, sir.
- Football is a game for gentlemen.
- Yes, sir.
It's the game that matters.
What are you gonna do to me, sir? Give you a bonus, lad, we won.
But next time, if you're gonna break someone's leg - make sure you go above the knee - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Come on, Kincaid, posse's on our tail.
Let's hightail it out of here.
If'n we're quick, we can cut across Deadman's Valley over there through Cold Corpse Canyon across Broken Bone Mountain through Gallow Tree Gorge over there to Slaughter Rock.
No, let's go the pretty way! - High ho, Limp Biscuit! - (FANFARE PLAYS) Everybody has songs they like to sing when they're down in the dumps.
I know I have.
This is a little song I wrote to chase away old Mr Blues and it's dedicated to me.
I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald All together now, one, two, three (ALL SING): # I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald # I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald - I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald! - # I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald # Oh, I love the lovely Aimi MacDonald Oh, that was nice.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) (SHOW MUSIC PLAYS) Thank you, thank you so much.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Thank you.
Thank you very much, lovely to have you with us, super, wonderful.
Super, thank you so much.
Thank you! Thank you! - (SHOW MUSIC FADES) - (SHOW MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER) - Now thank you! Thank you, very kind.
I've had my build up, thank you very much.
Welcome and good evening, everybody.
Tonight, I shall be talking to the Minister of Education the Right Honourable Harold Bingham about the future of public schools.
But first, we're going to take a look at alligator wrestling snake charming and pearl diving.
Some of which explains this large tank of water which we have in the studio here.
Well, let's begin by meeting the man who wrestles with alligators - Mr Brian Instance.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Welcome, Brian.
Very nice to see you, will you take a seat? Super.
Now, Brian, super.
Now, the thing is, what I'm basically driving at is uh, how long have you been doing this wrestling? - Oh, about ten years now.
- Ten years.
Super, now, what I mean, what I mean is now, the thing is, what I'm really actually driving at is how did it all start? Oh, well, I've always been a bit of a wrestler and then when I was 17, our family moved to Gatwick.
What I've been, uh, what I'm really I s'pose what I'm really, what I mean, what the thing is, basically, uh, basically Are there many alligators - in Gatwick then? - I'm sorry? Are there many alligators actually in Gatwick? Alligators? There's no alligators in Gatwick.
I see, uh - So, uh, oh, I see.
- BRIAN: No! Well, how, how did this How, how did this all start then when you, when you got to Gatwick? Oh, well, you see, we used to live close to the aerodrome so I used to be able to get along there most afternoons.
To wrestle the alligators, yes.
No, the aviators! - I beg your pardon? - The aviators at the aerodrome.
I thought you wrestled alligators.
No, no, aviators.
I said quite clearly on the phone.
- Oh, I see, uh - I've got an aviator here.
Oh, super.
Wonderful.
Lovely to have you on the programme.
- Um - No alligators at all! And so you'll be doing the wrestling now.
I'll tell you what, super.
We've got this large tank of water.
How about wrestling in the tank? - In the water? - Super.
Can we have the cameras over on the tank? Lovely, marvellous.
- We don't usually wrestle in water.
- Isn't that fun? Super.
- We don't usually wrestle in the water.
- No, super, wonderful.
- This is television.
- I hope it'll be alright for you.
Lots of people watching, marvellous, super.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - (HOST MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) - (BELL RINGS) - MAN: Round one! (THEY GRUNT) Well, there we have aviator wrestling.
Not alligator wrestling perhaps but wrestling nevertheless.
Super.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT) - And now could we have quiet, please? - WRESTLER: We haven't finished yet! - Could we have quiet, please? Thank you very much.
And now we turn, uh, one in fact one of the most sensational of the traditional Eastern arts is snake charming.
But tonight in the studio, we've found an Englishman a Dorset dentist who in his spare time charms snakes.
Now, I'd like you all to meet Mr Brian Estuary.
Super, wonderful, lovely to have you on the programme.
I see you've brought your basket with you there.
Oh, yes.
They're all in there.
- All of them? More than one, is there? - Oh, yes.
Lots and lots of them.
And I charm them with this cornet.
A cornet.
I thought, actually, I thought actually I thought it was a bit loud, the cornet.
Oh, no, no, no.
It has to be loud, you see, otherwise they can't hear it under the water.
- Under the water? - Yes, you see the majority of hake charmers do use a cornet.
I can understand that, but what what charmers? Hake charmers.
Hake fish.
Hake fish, hake.
I did say so quite clearly over the telephone.
- Oh yes.
- Would you like me to put them in the tank - and start charming them now? - Oh super, that would be marvellous, yes.
Oh, wizard! Lovely, could we have you over? Could we have the camera round on the tank, please? - Oh, we've got some aviator wrestling.
- It's alright, the hake don't mind.
- Oh, good.
- No, no.
They like aviators.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT) - In you go, my pretties! Well, we don't need this now.
- (WRESTLERS GRUNT) - (CORNET PLAYS) Hake charming, not snake charming perhaps, but charming nonetheless.
And now we turn Can we have quiet, please? Could we have quiet, please? This is a prestige programme.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
We now turn to the third of our strange hobbies for this evening.
Pearl diving, and we have in the studio a Dagenham housewife who, in her spare time, dives for pearls.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Super of you to come.
- Marvellous, thank you, now you are - Yes, that is my name.
If I may interrupt you, as I usually do.
If I may say Yes, I'm Pearl Diver.
- You are a pearl diver? - Yes, I am Mrs Pearl Diver.
- Mrs Pearl Diver? - Yes.
Um, oh, I see, but you, uh you do dive for pearls? Oh, no, no, no.
(SHE LAUGHS) - No, no, no.
- I was given all these notes by my researchers and things, saying that you'd come along and show us how you can swim underwater for long periods.
Oh, no.
I sing underwater for long periods.
- You sing? - Yes.
- I said so quite clearly over the phone.
- Underwater? Yes, shall I show you? No, please.
What about the duel with the shark? - Um, that's what's - Oh, no.
No duel with a shark! But a duet with Mr Clark.
(HE IMITATES HER VOICE): "Duet with Mr Clark!" - Oh, ah, good evening.
- Good evening.
- You must be Mr Clark and not the shark.
- That's right.
Shall we get into the tank, then? Well, why not? Everybody else is.
Uh, can we have Excuse me, can we have the camera round on the tank? - (PEARL DIVER SINGS) - (CORNET PLAYS) - (ALL SING) - (CORNET PLAYS) (THEY CLAMOUR) I've got one of the hake charmed.
- Do you wanna come and see? - Will you push off, please? - Uh, we now turn - This charm is beautiful.
- You wanna come and see the hake? - Now, this is a prestige programme.
Keep quiet! Now, we turn to the very interesting subject - (CORNET PLAYS) - We're going to meet Quiet, please! We're going to meet the man that everybody's been talking about this week and the subject of the public schools.
The Minister of Education, the Right Honourable Harold Bingham.
Good evening, good evening.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) - Good evening, Mr Bingham.
Harold.
Would you like to take a seat? - Good God, what's going on? - It's alright, Minister.
- Would you like to take a seat, please? - (CORNET PLAYS) I think I'm losing contact with reality.
Uh, no, Minister, I don't think you are.
He's Mr Clark, not the shark.
I'm the Minister of Education.
Yes, that's marvellous, I'm terribly pleased.
- Who are you? - I'm the aviator wrestler from Gatwick.
Really? I'm the Minister of Education.
He's Mr Clark, not a shark.
Now, Minister, what would your (HE SINGS): # I'm the Minister of Education # - (HOST BABBLES INCOHERENTLY) # I'm the Minister of Education # Well, I think I'm going to go in the tank.
No, Minister, the tank isn't for you! I'm the Minister of Education I'm the Minister of Education I'm the Minister of Education And I'm jumping in I think I'd better go and aske the audience what they think about all this.
And uh, oh, there's the music for the end of the programme.
I'm afraid that's all for tonight, you may not admire this sort of programme but you must admit it does make good television.
Goodnight.
Oh dear, there goes my knighthood.
Oh dear, how terrible.
Uh, Minister? Minister, I'd like to talk to you about such things as becoming a knight.
- Or preferably, you know - (HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS) I'm very interested in becoming a life peer.
You see, Minister No, Minister Minister, the thing is, it's all very well - (HOST BABBLES) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) NARRATOR: That was a Rediffusion, London production.