Atlanta (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

Champagne Papi

1 Hey, y'all.
So, tonight I'm wearing my jasmine brandy lip plump.
And y'all can use a discount code to get it, so you can be mwah twinkling like your girl here.
And what better way to bust it out than a night with my girls? This is my girl Van.
Say hi, Van.
That's Van.
She cute or whatever, and I need a new Netflix password, so hook a girl up.
(LAUGHS) All right, bye.
No free pictures.
Anyway, y'all stay tuned.
'Cause tonight the stars are gonna be out.
- (CHUCKLES) - (STIFLED LAUGHTER) I dropped this phone in the tub with Lottie, and now it just does not hold a charge.
Uh-uh, no, we not talking about Lottie, we not talking about children, we talking about liquor, - we talking about - Liquor.
- Lick 'em and stick 'em - Lick 'em - Stick 'em - And (ROLLS R) - Uh-uh.
- Stick 'em.
- Tammi, you keep talking like that, you're gonna have child number two tonight.
Uh-uh.
- She is.
- I got an IUD to block them K-I-Ds.
- (LAUGHTER) - TAMMI: IUD? You know what, though? Them IUDs work.
NADINE: You know what? Y'all nasty.
'Cause I changed my shit up after Lottie.
You know what I'm saying? (LAUGHTER) Don't get that copper IUD, - 'cause that makes your periods worse.
- TAMMI: What? - Wait, no, it does? - TAMMI: I'm good.
- VAN: Mm-hmm.
- What ever happened to condoms? Bitch, how old are you? - CANDICE: Really.
Damn! - You're still using condoms? Are you in high school? - (LAUGHTER) - You know what? I don't have kids, and I also don't have HPV, trick.
TAMMI (LAUGHING): Oh! Really, y'all gonna play me like that? Put that in your condom and fuck it.
Oh, okay, so DJ said that he's going to meet us and escort us through and everything, so we don't look like groupies.
- CANDICE: Mm.
- (TAMMI LAUGHS) - TAMMI: What the? - You know what? What is your deal with DJ, actually? DJ, girl, that's He's a tour barber.
- He's nothing.
- So, what, you just stringing him along for an invite to Drake's party? - Mm-hmm.
- Uh, no, I'm not stringing him along.
I actually only talk business with DJ.
So, did you send him selfies? Yes or no.
I might've sent him one or two selfies.
Dang.
So you sent him one or two pictures of your breasts.
First of all, my breasts are already on Tumblr, so he could've already seen it.
And I only sent him - half a nipple that don't count.
- NADINE: Oh.
Oh, okay, so he would've saw them eventually, because I know you didn't have on no business clothes.
Everybody can't be a nun like you, Nadine.
If I'm gonna chase anybody, y'all, it's gonna be that Aubrey.
Uh! 'Cause you know, I've always had a crush on Aubrey.
- TAMMI: Uh, you and all the other groupies.
- NADINE: Aubrey? - TAMMI: What are you talking about? - CANDICE: Aubrey.
- You don't know him.
- TAMMI: Girl.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER) - CANDICE: He is fine.
- Fine.
CANDICE: And he looks like he would make a great father.
TAMMI: Van! Van, do you hear this madness? What are we what are y'all talking about? You know what? I don't even care; I need a photo with Drake, because my Instagram is weak as fuck.
- What are you talking about? - I'm just being real.
My shit - look, I got Lottie, Lottie, Lottie - Chicken.
Lottie, me chicken I know exactly which one you're talking about - Uh-huh.
- Lottie, Lottie, Earn.
Delete the Earn.
Oh, yeah, so we can replace Earn with Drake.
- Right.
(GROANS) - (LAUGHS) - Y'all really think this dress is okay? - Mm-hmm.
I think it looks good on you It's fine.
Look, we got to go, okay? Let's have one more shot.
NADINE: Do y'all think I should smoke tonight? - Yes! Yes! - Yes! Oh, my God! (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) To partying with my girls.
- (CHEERING) - And IUDs.
(LAUGHTER) - Mmm.
- Mmm.
("NEVER CREATED, NEVER DESTROYED" BY JLIN PLAYING) (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) You are not a better driver after a few drinks.
- I'm a good driver.
- No, you ain't.
- Um, Candice.
- Next time we smoke and drive.
Candi, you sure we in the right place? - Yeah.
Yeah, this is it.
- (MOANS) - There's nobody here.
- This looks a little sus.
No, no, there's gonna be a shuttle that comes.
- I'm freezing.
- I'm losing my buzz.
Where is everybody? - Okay, stop complaining.
- We're in the woods, girl.
Follow me.
Follow me.
Thi-This way.
Follow me.
Where in the world? You should've wore pants.
You should not be down here in this - Who this nigga? - Yo, uh, happy New Year.
- Ha-Happy New Year.
- Right.
Hey, y'all going to that Drake theme party, right? I-I got this pizza for him.
Like, right here.
- Cool.
- Y'all have the address? Yo, give me the address, y'all can have some, but this pizza has to go inside him.
- Oh, oh, the shuttle's over here.
- He needs it.
- What kind of pizza? - This is good pizza.
Hey, no, we don't want your pizza bye.
Wha No, no You got to put me on, though.
Put me on I got music, too.
Like, we could we could work just together.
Put me on.
You come on, bruh! Don't leave me out.
Don't leave me out (WHISPERS): It's locked.
Uh, hey.
We're here for the party.
Candice Moxon.
Okay, oh, all right, wait, wait, wait, um 7-4-3-2-9-9.
- (LOCK CLICKS) - Oh.
- Ooh.
- Yes.
Let's go see Drake.
(LAUGHTER) Damn.
(CRYING) Hey, are you okay? I'm just so happy.
Y'all pretty.
I'm-a take y'all home with me.
(DRIVER LAUGHS) Just kidding.
(ENGINE STARTS) ("HOUSE OF MIRRORS" BY DAVID MCCALLUM PLAYING) SECURITY GUARD: Let's go, ladies.
Gather round, gather round.
Come on.
We don't have all night.
File out.
- Oh, my God.
- SECURITY GUARD: Good evening.
Welcome to paradise.
IDs out.
If you are here in response to the video shoot, please proceed with your Ethiopian passport to the photo booth - to receive your name tag and your costume.
- Okay.
This is a residential home.
Keep booties on at all times.
These are marble floors.
- I am not wearing them booties.
- By the way, happy New Year.
Happy New Year! All right, who's first? Oh.
Drake invited me.
(STIFLED LAUGHTER) WOMAN (QUIETLY): "Drake invited me.
" That's his signature right there.
(WOMEN MURMURING) WOMAN: Can I just No, you don't have to call him.
I, um (CHUCKLES) I was supposed to be here, not you! I was invited! I swear, I was invited! (CRYING): You the, you the best You the, you the - This is my song.
- This is my song.
- Girl, every song is your song.
- (LAUGHS) Look at these Instagram Stepford Wife-looking bitches.
Oh, look, it's Devyon Johnson.
- Wait, where? - The actor? Where? NADINE: He's cute.
TAMMI: He would be with a white girl.
These Hollywood niggas are so cliché.
Hey.
DJ! DJ hey, DJ, baby.
- Hi.
Mwah.
- Mwah.
What's up, ladies? DJ, next time, can you escort me? Because security was so mean to me.
- DJ: Oh, yeah, I got you.
- Where's Drake at? - You gonna introduce us? - Oh, yeah, I want to meet Drake.
Uh, yeah, he's-he's floating around somewhere.
Well, where's this room? - This the VIP room? We want to go here.
- DJ: Uh Okay, okay, well chill.
(LAUGHS) No, no, it's-it's-it's cool.
W-Well, I got to go DJ.
'Cause my name is D-D-D-D-DJ.
(LAUGHS) He's funny, right? - He's so - No.
Get a drink, I'll hook y'all up.
Oh.
You want a gummy? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, yes.
- I'm good, thank you.
- Uh.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Uh - (CHUCKLES) Mm-hmm, mm.
She likes gummies.
Take the gummy, enjoy yourself.
Fine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come on.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Well, ladies, I'm gonna go with DJ.
- Ah.
- So, y'all have fun.
- DJ: Mm.
- It's a party.
Bye, Candi.
Look at 'em.
(CANDICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Mm-mm.
Chew.
Very good.
- (TAPS NADINE) - Let's go.
- NADINE: I don't like it.
- TAMMI: Mm-mm-mm.
Way up, way up Way up, way up Same old thang Watch me do the same old thang If I wrote your ass a love song Could I make it bang? If I pull up with my gun drawn I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
This edible ain't kicking in fast enough for me to enjoy this thot-a-thon.
Amen.
Where is Devyon Johnson? I just need to talk some sense into him.
Just so he knows, you know? I feel weird.
I'm-a go find his ass.
Damn, girl, you look high as hell.
Nadine, stay with Van.
You seem annoyed or something.
- Is it Earn? - No.
He's out there living his life and I'm here living mine.
I'm just trying to get this photo with Drake.
I need to strategize.
Is it me? A-Are you mad at me? What? No.
You're paranoid.
Stop it.
Ugh! I'm just going through stuff, and this dress is just, like I just need to calm down.
I need to have a good time and I'm just gonna relax.
I'm gonna have a good time and I'm gonna have a vodka soda, please.
NADINE: Yes.
Is this the police? I-I need your help.
I'm at this big party at Drake's house and I'm dying.
- I-I don't - Who are you talking to, baby? - Hello? - Help.
Did she give you an address? No? Okay, bye.
Honey, what's wrong with you? You're just high.
No, I'm dying and I know it.
You are high and you're paranoid.
No, I need to go to the hospital.
No.
We need to get out of this room, but we are not leaving.
Just take a sit right here, okay? Why don't you lie down? You want to lie down? NADINE: I can't breathe right.
Yes, you can.
Come on.
Let's lay you down.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
We're gonna breathe together like in yoga.
Okay? - (CLOTHING RIPS) - Shit.
Um, okay, let's breathe.
(EXHALES) Okay? (INHALES AND EXHALES) Okay.
You keep doing that.
Breathe.
I see you breathing, okay? I'm gonna get some water.
Wait.
DJ drugged me.
No, no, no, no.
We all ate the same thing.
Okay? It's okay.
Why don't you lie down again, okay? Um, look, it's Drake.
You can hang out with Drake, okay? Why don't you stay with Drake? I'm-a be right back.
Okay? All right.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
- I'm so sorry.
- It-It's all good.
- I mean, I - I'm sorry.
I was all in the way.
No, I'm sorry.
I Um, do you know where I can find, like, a water or something non-alcoholic or like Voilà.
Wow.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) You got a bathroom in there, too? I think I could help you out with that.
Oh, okay.
(LAUGHS) Um um (CHUCKLES) I'm Brandon, by the way.
Oh, I'm Van.
- It's-it's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you, too.
- Nice to meet you.
- Pretty smile.
Thank you.
Um I got to go.
My friend is kind of freaking out.
I needed to bring her this water, so I mean, is-is everything okay? I mean, do you need some help? I can, I can follow you.
- Um, yeah, sure.
Okay.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Um she's pretty high, though, so - Yeah? - I don't want you to Sure she'll be all right with that water.
Where the hell did she go? BRANDON: Oh, was she here? What she look like? Nadine! Shit.
Shit.
My phone is dead.
- Nadine! - Look, don't worry.
I got you.
I know a place downstairs you can charge your phone next to a pretty dope bathroom.
- All right? Yeah.
- Really? - Oh, my God.
Okay.
- No fear, no fear, no fear.
- Thank you.
- I got you.
I got you.
She's gonna get us all arrested.
Yeah, just right this way, right down here.
Okay.
- Oh, my gosh.
(GIGGLES) - BRANDON: Don't trip.
That's a that's a really nice dress.
- Oh, thank you.
(GIGGLES) - Yeah, of course.
- Thank you.
- It's perfect.
Wow, so this is, like, his studio? - Yeah, it, uh, looks that way.
- Damn.
Uh-huh.
(IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING) (BOTH LAUGH) There's, uh, the power strip.
Oh, thank you.
So you, um, you work with Drake? Nah, uh, Drake's nutritionist is my cousin.
- Oh.
- Yeah, Coop.
- Oh, cool.
Cool.
- Yeah.
But how'd you know about his studio down here, then? No, you know I just, uh I got here at, like, 8:00, so I just walked around.
Nobody was here, so - Checked out the rooms.
- Uh-huh.
- Saw what was in 'em.
- With your friends? Friends? Nah.
But you're my friend.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Okay.
Um I need to use the bathroom.
I'm gonna charge my phone in there.
Great.
Let me just let me show you where it is.
Okay.
Here.
Let-let me show you.
It's right over here.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Okay.
- Right here.
- Thank you.
- Oh, I got it.
Thank you.
- You got it? - Yeah.
Thank you, though.
- All right.
You're welcome.
I-I-I'll just I'll wait here.
Ugh.
Okay! BRANDON: You good? Uh, yeah, I'm good.
You need anything? VAN: You know what? No.
BRANDON: Okay, some toilet paper or? Uh, why don't you go get us some weed? BRANDON: Weed, right.
Yeah, I can I can, I can find that.
Um, yeah.
Uh are you are you hungry? You want any food while I'm at it? A d a drink? - T-Tequila? - Um, like, food? Maybe some water.
Okay.
All right.
I'll be right back.
- Okay.
- Right back.
VAN: Take your time.
Okay, just (MUTTERS) Drake? Hello? (PHONE BUZZES) (SIGHING) Smells nice.
Oh, my God.
(SNIFFS) Is this real? DARIUS: No.
No, it is not.
Hmm.
Have you heard of Bostrom's simulation argument? No.
Basically, it just states that, uh, future civilizations must have immense computing power and that if even a fraction of this were to run ancestral simulation, there's a high probability that it would be indistinguishable from reality to the simulated ancestor, i.
e.
us.
What? You're a simulation.
- Oh.
- Like a Sim.
There is someone controlling your every movement.
Yeah, I don't even like apples.
Can you help me stop thinking? (WHISPERING): Perhaps.
Catch.
(LAUGHS) Is she real? Real fake.
I knew it.
Boy ain't slept in 40 days Rain, hail, sleet, snow Even when it's dark or sunny, man I ain't got nothing left to lose First time I seen all I could gain So I beat the street, just my feet Look how far I came Up from unpopular lame, but now I'm a popular name See these niggas ain't paid the cost We both rap, they awful, I'm awe (HUMMING "HOTLINE BLING") (SNAPPING FINGERS, HUMMING) (PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) (SIGHS LOUDLY) Been on that fuck-a-nigga shit Take a nigga bitch and then I pass her to the clique I say, see me, I don't got no time for no bitch I just get 'em for the bros I'm just worried 'bout them chips I'm a shot call, little nigga I'm-a stay wild, hot nigga I belong in a dog pound Shot call, little nigga, I'm-a stay wild Yeah, I'm staring at you.
Ho.
Is there a problem? Not really! You're saddled over there with your black man accessory, and I'm just tired of that story, to be honest.
It's basic, but that's just me, personally.
Okay.
Stop it, niggas knowin' Maybe I'm just a good woman.
Huh?! Like, a good girlfriend? Maybe I add value to his life? I've been with him since he was doing community theater.
I cooked.
I cleaned.
I've had his back from the very beginning.
I've always supported him.
Maybe two good people found each other, and I'm a good woman who found a good man.
I say, see me, I don't got no time for no bitch Bitch, don't even act like you don't know what's going on out here! You got all the advantages in the world to be a good woman.
You can afford to invest early.
I ain't got time to be sitting out here with no community-theater-ass nigga for eight years and wishing on a goddamn star.
Uh-uh.
There are plenty, plenty, plenty, plenty of good, black women, but you don't see Brad Pitt trying to date Shonda Rhimes.
No! No.
No.
Type "beautiful woman" in Google Images, honey.
Then you can talk to me.
I'm a shot call, little nigga, I'm-a stay wild I just love Devyon.
Bitch, I love him, too! Little nigga, I'm-a stay wild Hot nigga, I belong in a dog pound Okay, um, thank you.
That's a no-no Off tops, new chain, and my wrist froze Loaded up, still bouncin' with that .
44 Sorry.
Never give a bitch yo' phone, that's a no-no Off tops, new chain, and my wrist froze.
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH) Hi? (MAN SPEAKING SPANISH) (WHISPERING): Hi.
I'm sorry.
Um I'm lost.
- I need to get to the party.
- (SPEAKING SPANISH) Um, or to the main part of the house.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) With Drake? Drake.
Drake no está.
(SPEAKS SPANISH) Oh.
Um (CHUCKLES) - I don't really, um - (SPEAKING SPANISH) ¿El avión? Yo soy su abuelo.
Are you Drake's abuelo? Sí.
Abuelo.
Oh, my God.
You're his grandpa.
Sí.
Abuelo.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) No.
Mm-mm.
I don't speak Spanish.
No hablas español.
But it's nice to meet you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) You want me to look at that? Hold up.
Drake's not here? WOMAN: Yeah, you got to get low in front and high.
Hey, how you doing? How you doing? Hey.
$20.
All right.
Look, we got this right here.
Drake bowtie.
Straight off the tux from the Oscars.
- What's up? - Get low.
What the fuck is going on in here? Oh, how you doing? We got $20 per selfie.
It'll get you 10,000 followers, guaranteed.
Mm-hmm.
The line starts there, sweetie.
Hold up.
You're telling me all these girls have been posting fake photos on Instagram all night? Look, they're real to everyone else.
I mean, this your best option, anyway.
You thought you was gonna have a meaningful convo with Drake - or some shit? - You was gonna come to the party, ask for a pic and post it on the Gram, so here you go.
- You're welcome.
- $20.
Line's right there.
Or $30, hold on.
And you get these free Puma slides.
What's up? What you want to do? - (SCOFFS) - Girl, she ain't real.
- Come on, cutie.
Who next? - Hey.
Stars are just a projection of what's actually already - inside of your mind.
- Drake.
Darius? DARIUS: Oh, hey, Van.
Why are you here? Oh, actually we were just talking about that.
It's basically, really just No, I meant the party.
Is Earn with you? No, but I know Drake's chef, Guillermo, from the glorious days of pick-up soccer.
But how did we get here? Oh, see, that's an even harder one, actually.
- It all start - VAN: No, shut up.
Candice drove us here.
And then she ditched us for T-Pain's party.
That sucks.
You okay? I think so.
Me and Darius figured out that I am nothing.
We're all nothing.
It's a simulation, Van.
It's all fake.
You're right.
It's all fake.
There's no Drake.
So don't ruin your high and just enjoy yourself.
Hmm.
You're such a good friend.
TAMMI: Hey.
Hey.
Hey, y'all.
They kicking everybody out.
And, Van, what the hell do you got on? Come on, y'all.
NADINE: How are we getting home? Drake's Mexican.
(SPANISH VERSION OF DRAKE'S "HOTLINE BLING" PLAYING)