Axe Cop (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
An American Story
One day, at the scene of the fire The cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off! An American Story You know, there's something about the fourth day in July Of every year.
Yeah, you know it.
My favorite part is hanging out with all my best friends, - Am I right? - Wrong! My favorite part is the fireworks.
Wrong again! Everyone, gather around.
I'm going to tell you What the Fourth of July is all about.
This is a story about my great great great great great great great grandfather.
And his name was Book Cop.
Aww, our little baby Book Cop Sure does love books.
We named him appropriately.
By da order of da King of England, - Hand over da book! - Which book? Da "Secret Attack Almanac.
" That book doesn't exist.
It's ju-ju-just a myth.
All right, we'll do dis da hard way.
Da book for da baby! Leave my baby Book Cop alone! Fire Secret Attack! No! Stop! A secret li-bary! That's a secret you shall take to your grave.
Protect the book, baby Book Cop! Protect the book! Meanwhile, in London, England.
Uh, your majesty, It would seem our men weren't able to retrieve da book.
So how do you prefer to die, acid or sharks? I don't know.
They both seem terrible.
Then acid sharks it is.
Thank you, God, for maKing sharks so evil.
Uh You.
Get me that book! The "Secret Attack Almanac" shall be mine, Even if I have to wait for hundreds of years.
Hundreds of years passed.
Book Cop studied and mastered the "Secret Attack Almanac.
" It gave young Book Cop great power.
Everything he needed to survive on his own, Things like "rebuilding your house" powers And "food getting" powers.
But he had no one to share it with Until What do you think you're doing, m'lady? Girls don't read books.
Yeah, except cookbooks.
And laundry books! Ha ha ha ha.
Who are you? I'm Book Cop.
And books are for everyone.
Even girls.
Even people on the dumb list, like girls.
Ha, you missed.
No, I didn't.
Boomerang-book Secret Attack.
You're welcome.
What's your name? She was a pretty girl who could not speak.
No one knew her name.
Not even me.
It's a mystery.
We're getting married.
Will you marry me? Do you understand? I know you understand.
I love you too.
The British are coming! The British are coming! Shhh! Book Cop, my name's Stockerang.
And look this way, it's me, Fife Cop.
We're on the way to fight the British Army, But we need your help.
We call ourselves the minute men.
There's only one problem: I'm a right-now man.
We're ready to go right now as well, I just-- we called ourselves the minute me-- Would you care to join us, is really the bottom line.
I'm going to kill the British Army.
America needs me to win the war.
I'm going off to war.
Do you understand? I know you understand.
Bye-bye.
Revolution is upon us.
What's your strategy, Book Cop? Quickly.
A Secret Attack.
Stand back.
Book Cop put his two fingers into the earth And then lifted up the entire ground And then squished All the bad guys with it.
- Book Cop did it! - U.
S.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
! - U.
S.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
! - The war is over.
I'll see you guys later.
Tell my wife I didn't make it.
But the war was far from over.
To arms! The lobster backs are upon us like the pox.
Look! A bald eagle.
'Tis surely a sign.
Victory will be ours.
What are you doing, Book Cop? No no no no no.
Oh, Book Cop, no! The majestic blood from the bald eagle Rained down on Fife Cop, Transforming him into Fife-Eagle Cop.
- Fly! - Caw! - He could fly.
- I'm flying! I'm doing it, Book Cop.
I'm winning the war! Fire! Ow! Caw.
Fife-Eagle Cop, You're dying.
All I ever wanted was to have a place in history.
You will.
You will be on money.
And Book Cop was right.
Fife-eagle Cop is now on money.
You're going to have to win this war on your own, Book Cop.
I have a super secret mystery attack That will defeat the British once and for all.
Cool.
What is it? I can't tell you.
It's so secret I have to go behind that house so no one can see me do it.
- Hey, no peeKing! - Sorry.
After "x"ing and un-"x"ing his arms, A wave of fire formed in space Wave-of-Fire Secret Attack! And engulfed the entire earth.
And it would only burn the bad guys.
Happy die day, red coats! U.
S.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
! But what my great great great Great great great grandfather didn't know Was that the war was only a diversion - From the King's master plan.
- We made it.
All the way from London, England.
Oh, there it is! The "Secret Attack Almanac"! Good work, my boy.
I can't wait to tell my pregnant wife And three children about what we've done.
Yes.
But first, To tie up some loose ends.
Cheerio! I won the war! What's wrong? I'm going to kill the King of England.
Do you understand? I know you understand.
I love you too.
Bye-bye.
Poison-Tidal-Wave Secret Attack! I can't believe it.
Book Cop is nigh! Protect the King, you fools! The King! Protect the King! That poisoned tidal wave Should have killed you a thousand times! Yes, but I still have Thanks to the "Secret Attack Almanac.
" You killed my parents And I will stop at nothing to kill you.
Even if that means killing you 4,001 times.
Not if I kill you Hey, look, over there! The Hey-Over-There Secret Attack Well done.
Teleportation Secret Attack! Paper-Cut Secret Attack! Book-Eclipse Secret Attack! No, please! Not the night creatures.
No! No-- ahhh.
Ha.
I don't need the book.
I've memorized the whole thing.
I have it all in my head.
You do now.
Ha! I still have one life left.
Good, because I have one more Secret Attack.
Ow! You were the King of London, England.
Now you're the King of dying.
The "Secret Attack Almanac" Has been passed down through my family for generations.
It's how I learned all my Secret Attacks, Including the poison-cake Secret Attack.
Uh, Axe Cop Why did you just poison all the guests? Because they were bad guys.
Well, why would you invite bad guys to your party? So I could kill them.
Clearly.
Oh, good.
And uh How did you know I wasn't gonna eat the cake? Oh look, fireworks! Happy Fourth of July, bad guys! count on the fireworks on the fourth of every single July.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
I will chop your heads off! An American Story You know, there's something about the fourth day in July Of every year.
Yeah, you know it.
My favorite part is hanging out with all my best friends, - Am I right? - Wrong! My favorite part is the fireworks.
Wrong again! Everyone, gather around.
I'm going to tell you What the Fourth of July is all about.
This is a story about my great great great great great great great grandfather.
And his name was Book Cop.
Aww, our little baby Book Cop Sure does love books.
We named him appropriately.
By da order of da King of England, - Hand over da book! - Which book? Da "Secret Attack Almanac.
" That book doesn't exist.
It's ju-ju-just a myth.
All right, we'll do dis da hard way.
Da book for da baby! Leave my baby Book Cop alone! Fire Secret Attack! No! Stop! A secret li-bary! That's a secret you shall take to your grave.
Protect the book, baby Book Cop! Protect the book! Meanwhile, in London, England.
Uh, your majesty, It would seem our men weren't able to retrieve da book.
So how do you prefer to die, acid or sharks? I don't know.
They both seem terrible.
Then acid sharks it is.
Thank you, God, for maKing sharks so evil.
Uh You.
Get me that book! The "Secret Attack Almanac" shall be mine, Even if I have to wait for hundreds of years.
Hundreds of years passed.
Book Cop studied and mastered the "Secret Attack Almanac.
" It gave young Book Cop great power.
Everything he needed to survive on his own, Things like "rebuilding your house" powers And "food getting" powers.
But he had no one to share it with Until What do you think you're doing, m'lady? Girls don't read books.
Yeah, except cookbooks.
And laundry books! Ha ha ha ha.
Who are you? I'm Book Cop.
And books are for everyone.
Even girls.
Even people on the dumb list, like girls.
Ha, you missed.
No, I didn't.
Boomerang-book Secret Attack.
You're welcome.
What's your name? She was a pretty girl who could not speak.
No one knew her name.
Not even me.
It's a mystery.
We're getting married.
Will you marry me? Do you understand? I know you understand.
I love you too.
The British are coming! The British are coming! Shhh! Book Cop, my name's Stockerang.
And look this way, it's me, Fife Cop.
We're on the way to fight the British Army, But we need your help.
We call ourselves the minute men.
There's only one problem: I'm a right-now man.
We're ready to go right now as well, I just-- we called ourselves the minute me-- Would you care to join us, is really the bottom line.
I'm going to kill the British Army.
America needs me to win the war.
I'm going off to war.
Do you understand? I know you understand.
Bye-bye.
Revolution is upon us.
What's your strategy, Book Cop? Quickly.
A Secret Attack.
Stand back.
Book Cop put his two fingers into the earth And then lifted up the entire ground And then squished All the bad guys with it.
- Book Cop did it! - U.
S.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
! - U.
S.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
! - The war is over.
I'll see you guys later.
Tell my wife I didn't make it.
But the war was far from over.
To arms! The lobster backs are upon us like the pox.
Look! A bald eagle.
'Tis surely a sign.
Victory will be ours.
What are you doing, Book Cop? No no no no no.
Oh, Book Cop, no! The majestic blood from the bald eagle Rained down on Fife Cop, Transforming him into Fife-Eagle Cop.
- Fly! - Caw! - He could fly.
- I'm flying! I'm doing it, Book Cop.
I'm winning the war! Fire! Ow! Caw.
Fife-Eagle Cop, You're dying.
All I ever wanted was to have a place in history.
You will.
You will be on money.
And Book Cop was right.
Fife-eagle Cop is now on money.
You're going to have to win this war on your own, Book Cop.
I have a super secret mystery attack That will defeat the British once and for all.
Cool.
What is it? I can't tell you.
It's so secret I have to go behind that house so no one can see me do it.
- Hey, no peeKing! - Sorry.
After "x"ing and un-"x"ing his arms, A wave of fire formed in space Wave-of-Fire Secret Attack! And engulfed the entire earth.
And it would only burn the bad guys.
Happy die day, red coats! U.
S.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
! But what my great great great Great great great grandfather didn't know Was that the war was only a diversion - From the King's master plan.
- We made it.
All the way from London, England.
Oh, there it is! The "Secret Attack Almanac"! Good work, my boy.
I can't wait to tell my pregnant wife And three children about what we've done.
Yes.
But first, To tie up some loose ends.
Cheerio! I won the war! What's wrong? I'm going to kill the King of England.
Do you understand? I know you understand.
I love you too.
Bye-bye.
Poison-Tidal-Wave Secret Attack! I can't believe it.
Book Cop is nigh! Protect the King, you fools! The King! Protect the King! That poisoned tidal wave Should have killed you a thousand times! Yes, but I still have Thanks to the "Secret Attack Almanac.
" You killed my parents And I will stop at nothing to kill you.
Even if that means killing you 4,001 times.
Not if I kill you Hey, look, over there! The Hey-Over-There Secret Attack Well done.
Teleportation Secret Attack! Paper-Cut Secret Attack! Book-Eclipse Secret Attack! No, please! Not the night creatures.
No! No-- ahhh.
Ha.
I don't need the book.
I've memorized the whole thing.
I have it all in my head.
You do now.
Ha! I still have one life left.
Good, because I have one more Secret Attack.
Ow! You were the King of London, England.
Now you're the King of dying.
The "Secret Attack Almanac" Has been passed down through my family for generations.
It's how I learned all my Secret Attacks, Including the poison-cake Secret Attack.
Uh, Axe Cop Why did you just poison all the guests? Because they were bad guys.
Well, why would you invite bad guys to your party? So I could kill them.
Clearly.
Oh, good.
And uh How did you know I wasn't gonna eat the cake? Oh look, fireworks! Happy Fourth of July, bad guys! count on the fireworks on the fourth of every single July.