Axe Cop (2013) s02e03 Episode Script
Bald Cop
My hat is amazing.
I wear it for many reasons.
The star on my hat shoots laser beams to help me fight bad guys.
It has a freeze ray.
There is a heat ray - And a brain melt ray.
- My brain! There is a grabbing ray and a cutting ray.
But I also wear my hat to hide my most embarrassing secret.
I am bald.
One day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! _ So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
_ _ I will chop your heads off! Right on time, mail guy.
Tell me you're holding a sweet halloween catalogue! Nope I'm holding two.
Oh yeah! You know me so well, mail guy.
Or should I say, "mail friend"? Big guy, got some gun bills for you.
- That's not my name.
- Sockarang, - jury duty.
- Aw! - Confetti style! - Yay! Axe Cop, here's a bag of fan mail from single women, as per ushe.
And one mysterious envelope.
Hmmm.
_ _ Axe Cop, check it out.
I'm gonna be sexy ketchup, you be sexy mustard.
Hey, Axe Cop, you okay? Your face looks like it's melting.
Uh I'm going out to get some mayonnaise.
What's going on? I thought he hated mayonnaise.
I cannot figure that guy out.
Is that right? Good job, little chicky.
Axe Cop won't be a problem now.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Come here, shh shh.
And now, without Axe Cop here to stop me, it's time to summon the Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse.
Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse! You sure you haven't seen him? Moustache, cop outfit, full head of hair, partially melted face.
No? All right.
Well, I've tried every mayonnaise store in town - and no one's seen Axe Cop.
- Don't be such a worry-wart.
Oh no! Zombie! Lava! Those aren't just zombies.
Those are Hell Chicken zombies! Oh no.
Ah, it's got my leg! My lucky leg! Grey Diamond, get the desk! I've been bit.
I'm gonna change into a Hell Chicken zombie.
Quick! We're gonna to have to amputate! - Amputate?! - Grey, hold him down.
This is going to be the worst experience you've ever had in your life, pain-wise.
No no no no The whole world is being attacked by Hell Chicken zombies from hell.
And people are wondering where the heck is Axe Cop? Look! A gold TV! Shh! Oh man, it's Axe Cop.
I got a great idea.
Go kill him.
Me? No no.
You go kill him.
I-I tried to kill him last time.
All right fine.
Let's go kill him together.
Yeah, I'd like that.
I'd like that a lot.
- Surprise! - What the heck?! Axe Cop, come in.
This your attack decoy.
Make it quick, attack decoy, I'm watching "Uncle Axe.
" I have two more dead bad guys coming your way.
Ahhhhh.
What the? Axe Cop? I thought you just killed us! I did kill you.
But then I un-killed you.
Follow me.
Where are we? - I think we're in Chicago.
- Wrong.
You're in Secret Town, where no one knows my secret, which means I can never be embarrassed, because being embarrassed is my greatest weakness.
It makes me melt literally.
But here I am safe.
Even the animals can't hurt me.
The rams will never ram.
And the bears are all hairless, so they are too ashamed to bite.
All the work in Secret Town is done by bad guys I killed and brought back to life.
Look, it's evil Rhino Man! Rhino Man was one of the baddest bad guys on the whole planet.
How'd you get him to scoop ice cream for you? With hypnotizing ice cream.
You're a garbage lady now.
- Pick that up.
- Right away, Axe Cop.
- And you are my butler now.
- Very good, sir.
Secret Town's the best.
I love this place.
I think we should be safe now.
Why don't you guys get some naptime? - I'll take the first shift.
- Oh fun, it'll be like a sleepover.
And you know who's awesome at sleepovers? Liborg! Which is why, while you were talking, I signaled for him to come over on my best-friend-calling watch.
- No, you did not.
- And he should be here - right about - No! I think you're mispronouncing "now!" Liborg! Best friend! - Look out! - Ah, zombies! This way! Oh Wexter! Thank goodness! Quick! Everybody, hop on! Wexter, let's go! Come on, boy.
- Oh! - Hell Chicken zombie Wexter! That will be all, butler.
I am going to bed.
I bid you good evening, Axe Cop.
Shall I wake you in the morning? No need.
When I sleep it's only for two minutes.
- I am dreaming.
- Axe Cop.
- Uncle Axe! - Axe Cop, thank you for being my biggest fan.
You're welcome.
I'm going to wake up now.
Wait, Axe Cop.
Hell Chicken has summoned the Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse.
You need to leave secret town and save everyone.
I can't help them, Uncle Axe.
Hell Chicken knows my secret.
And if he tells anyone, I'll be so embarrassed that I will melt away literally.
You don't need to be embarrassed.
- Everyone has a secret.
- Even you, Uncle Axe? Even me Uncle Axe.
Turn down the volume on the TV so I can whisper a secret to you.
A secret nobody knows.
Morning tea, sir.
- Yah! - I've got it, I've got it.
Okay, boys, hold up.
Now, Mr.
President, tell me the launch codes for all the nuclear weapons in the world so I can finish this apoca-bawk-alypse! I already told you.
Go f-fff-find a pen and write this down.
Four, eight, fif Time to go back to hell, chicken.
Welcome to the party, Axe Cop.
You remember your team? Axe Cop's brains! My team is Hell Chicken zombies now? Hell Chicken zombies, remove Axe Cop's hat! Chop! What the heck? Axe Cop's brain.
You should've stayed away, Axe Cop.
Now I have no choice but to embarrass you to death.
Everybody, look! Axe Cop is bald! Wait! You're supposed to melt when you're embarrassed.
- Why aren't you melting? - My childhood hero, Uncle Axe, told me that I don't have to be embarrassed about being bald because everyone has a secret.
- Even Uncle Axe.
- Oh yeah? What's Uncle Axe's secret? Uncle Axe's secret is that I, Axe Cop, have a double secret an ultimate robot lives - inside my bald head! - Bawk! No! Bawk! Axe Cop, catch! Ahh-hhh! Bawk! Bawk bawk.
Looks like your embarrassing secret is: You're dead.
- Axe Cop, you're back! - Hey hey hey, Axe Cop.
Have you been looking for mayonnaise this whole time? No.
I was afraid if anyone found out that I was bald I would be so embarrassed - that I would die.
- Oh, bald? What's the big deal? Being bald isn't that bad.
Not for me because I have the ultimate robot in my head.
But for everybody else, it's the absolute worst thing you can be.
Well, I don't know about that.
I mean, some guys can pull it off.
No, they can't.
I wear it for many reasons.
The star on my hat shoots laser beams to help me fight bad guys.
It has a freeze ray.
There is a heat ray - And a brain melt ray.
- My brain! There is a grabbing ray and a cutting ray.
But I also wear my hat to hide my most embarrassing secret.
I am bald.
One day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! _ So he had tryouts and hired a partner.
_ _ I will chop your heads off! Right on time, mail guy.
Tell me you're holding a sweet halloween catalogue! Nope I'm holding two.
Oh yeah! You know me so well, mail guy.
Or should I say, "mail friend"? Big guy, got some gun bills for you.
- That's not my name.
- Sockarang, - jury duty.
- Aw! - Confetti style! - Yay! Axe Cop, here's a bag of fan mail from single women, as per ushe.
And one mysterious envelope.
Hmmm.
_ _ Axe Cop, check it out.
I'm gonna be sexy ketchup, you be sexy mustard.
Hey, Axe Cop, you okay? Your face looks like it's melting.
Uh I'm going out to get some mayonnaise.
What's going on? I thought he hated mayonnaise.
I cannot figure that guy out.
Is that right? Good job, little chicky.
Axe Cop won't be a problem now.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Come here, shh shh.
And now, without Axe Cop here to stop me, it's time to summon the Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse.
Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse! You sure you haven't seen him? Moustache, cop outfit, full head of hair, partially melted face.
No? All right.
Well, I've tried every mayonnaise store in town - and no one's seen Axe Cop.
- Don't be such a worry-wart.
Oh no! Zombie! Lava! Those aren't just zombies.
Those are Hell Chicken zombies! Oh no.
Ah, it's got my leg! My lucky leg! Grey Diamond, get the desk! I've been bit.
I'm gonna change into a Hell Chicken zombie.
Quick! We're gonna to have to amputate! - Amputate?! - Grey, hold him down.
This is going to be the worst experience you've ever had in your life, pain-wise.
No no no no The whole world is being attacked by Hell Chicken zombies from hell.
And people are wondering where the heck is Axe Cop? Look! A gold TV! Shh! Oh man, it's Axe Cop.
I got a great idea.
Go kill him.
Me? No no.
You go kill him.
I-I tried to kill him last time.
All right fine.
Let's go kill him together.
Yeah, I'd like that.
I'd like that a lot.
- Surprise! - What the heck?! Axe Cop, come in.
This your attack decoy.
Make it quick, attack decoy, I'm watching "Uncle Axe.
" I have two more dead bad guys coming your way.
Ahhhhh.
What the? Axe Cop? I thought you just killed us! I did kill you.
But then I un-killed you.
Follow me.
Where are we? - I think we're in Chicago.
- Wrong.
You're in Secret Town, where no one knows my secret, which means I can never be embarrassed, because being embarrassed is my greatest weakness.
It makes me melt literally.
But here I am safe.
Even the animals can't hurt me.
The rams will never ram.
And the bears are all hairless, so they are too ashamed to bite.
All the work in Secret Town is done by bad guys I killed and brought back to life.
Look, it's evil Rhino Man! Rhino Man was one of the baddest bad guys on the whole planet.
How'd you get him to scoop ice cream for you? With hypnotizing ice cream.
You're a garbage lady now.
- Pick that up.
- Right away, Axe Cop.
- And you are my butler now.
- Very good, sir.
Secret Town's the best.
I love this place.
I think we should be safe now.
Why don't you guys get some naptime? - I'll take the first shift.
- Oh fun, it'll be like a sleepover.
And you know who's awesome at sleepovers? Liborg! Which is why, while you were talking, I signaled for him to come over on my best-friend-calling watch.
- No, you did not.
- And he should be here - right about - No! I think you're mispronouncing "now!" Liborg! Best friend! - Look out! - Ah, zombies! This way! Oh Wexter! Thank goodness! Quick! Everybody, hop on! Wexter, let's go! Come on, boy.
- Oh! - Hell Chicken zombie Wexter! That will be all, butler.
I am going to bed.
I bid you good evening, Axe Cop.
Shall I wake you in the morning? No need.
When I sleep it's only for two minutes.
- I am dreaming.
- Axe Cop.
- Uncle Axe! - Axe Cop, thank you for being my biggest fan.
You're welcome.
I'm going to wake up now.
Wait, Axe Cop.
Hell Chicken has summoned the Hell Chicken zombie apocalypse.
You need to leave secret town and save everyone.
I can't help them, Uncle Axe.
Hell Chicken knows my secret.
And if he tells anyone, I'll be so embarrassed that I will melt away literally.
You don't need to be embarrassed.
- Everyone has a secret.
- Even you, Uncle Axe? Even me Uncle Axe.
Turn down the volume on the TV so I can whisper a secret to you.
A secret nobody knows.
Morning tea, sir.
- Yah! - I've got it, I've got it.
Okay, boys, hold up.
Now, Mr.
President, tell me the launch codes for all the nuclear weapons in the world so I can finish this apoca-bawk-alypse! I already told you.
Go f-fff-find a pen and write this down.
Four, eight, fif Time to go back to hell, chicken.
Welcome to the party, Axe Cop.
You remember your team? Axe Cop's brains! My team is Hell Chicken zombies now? Hell Chicken zombies, remove Axe Cop's hat! Chop! What the heck? Axe Cop's brain.
You should've stayed away, Axe Cop.
Now I have no choice but to embarrass you to death.
Everybody, look! Axe Cop is bald! Wait! You're supposed to melt when you're embarrassed.
- Why aren't you melting? - My childhood hero, Uncle Axe, told me that I don't have to be embarrassed about being bald because everyone has a secret.
- Even Uncle Axe.
- Oh yeah? What's Uncle Axe's secret? Uncle Axe's secret is that I, Axe Cop, have a double secret an ultimate robot lives - inside my bald head! - Bawk! No! Bawk! Axe Cop, catch! Ahh-hhh! Bawk! Bawk bawk.
Looks like your embarrassing secret is: You're dead.
- Axe Cop, you're back! - Hey hey hey, Axe Cop.
Have you been looking for mayonnaise this whole time? No.
I was afraid if anyone found out that I was bald I would be so embarrassed - that I would die.
- Oh, bald? What's the big deal? Being bald isn't that bad.
Not for me because I have the ultimate robot in my head.
But for everybody else, it's the absolute worst thing you can be.
Well, I don't know about that.
I mean, some guys can pull it off.
No, they can't.