Back in Very Small Business (2018) s01e08 Episode Script
FreeDon Of Speech
1 Do you remember we always used to say we'd have a vineyard when we retired? I'd tend to the vines during the day and write my book at night.
I don't know if I have a book in me.
You'll never know if you stay there.
Don't you owe yourself the chance to find out? I'm not dating Kim! You don't have to do anything with him, just string him along a little.
Fine.
The ASB handle complaints from the public.
We've been accused of breaching community standards.
Tell them to get fucked, and show them the logo for how to do it.
- Have you preset my passenger seat? - I'm number one.
(LAUGHS) You bloody love it when I pick you up, don't you? - (PHONE CHIMES) - Is that your sex ex? - No, it's my property manager.
- Why are you lying to me? Oh, is dirty Yvonne sending you sexy texts, Ray? Is she? Do you need to send a dick pic? Here.
No, don't mind me.
Go on, you do what you need to do.
- Have you done it? - Yep.
- Can I've a look? - No.
Bet you'd like to get her in your number one preset position, wouldn't you Ray, hey? Do it Rover style? Is that what you call doggie position? - You should get one.
- What? A Range Rover.
Sell the lesbian wagon.
Did you know that about Subarus? That they were designed for lesbians? Actually, Subaru was the first company to MARKET to lesbians.
Is that what it was? Well, how would you design a car for lesbians? I don't know, Ray, I'm not a designer.
Or a lesbian.
Are you? No, Don, I'm not.
Then, seriously, why don't you get yourself something nice? - (PHONE RINGS) - You got plenty of coin.
Good morning, Celeste.
- Oh, hello Ray.
Ooh, you look comfy.
- Thank you.
Oh, morning Don.
Ray, do you remember you asked me to let you know if we received a letter from the ASB.
Yes? Well, we received a letter from the ASB.
What's the ASB? Would you read it for me, please, Celeste? (READS) "The Advertising Standards Bureau wishes to advise you "that the complaint against the Don's Dirty Dog Wash logo "has been upheld and, as such, the offending logo must be amended "or removed from all dog wash trailers within five working days.
" What does that mean? I just can't believe it, Ray.
Our objection letter didn't work.
OUR objection letter? Since when has Celeste been head of PR, Ray? It was very clever, Don.
What a shame we have to think of a new logo when the fornicating dogs have been so successful.
Alright, Negative Nancy.
I can think of a thousand other offensive logos, if it comes to that.
The real issue is the cost of compliance.
Kimbo? OK, so if we redo the fibreglass on all the trailers, we're looking at 10K by 56 trailers, which equals 560K.
We can anticipate that the trailers will be off the road for six weeks, translating to a loss of income of 1K per week by six weeks by 56 trailers, equals 336K.
New advertising and rebranding, allow 200K.
We're looking at over .
.
$1 million, easily.
Obviously, liquidation would then be the only available course of action.
But what about Ray? Will Ray be liquidated? Absolutely.
Obliterated.
All costs to zero, immediately.
Kim, are you available for hospital visits? Because my mum's dying of cancer and someone needs to break her the news.
- Don, it's alright.
- No, it's bloody not alright.
But this has been the operating procedure for all your other failing businesses This isn't any failing business, this is Don's Dirty Dog Wash, which, by the way, is not failing.
(GURGLING NOISE) The only thing I am liquidating this morning is my Sausage McMuffin.
We just need to think of another way.
There is no other way.
I know, Kim.
It's really alright.
Not more bad news, Ray? - Hmm? It's my plumber.
- Oh, dear, you poor thing.
- What a day.
- Just need to step out, make a call.
(HORN BEEPS) - How was the doctor? - LESLIE: All good.
You waiting for me? No, I was just thinking.
About the future.
Does it involve my mother? Actually, there's been a rather large hiccup with the dog wash.
- We might be forced out of business.
- Oh, my God, that's terrible.
- Yes.
- Are you OK? - Well, perhaps it's time to move on.
- Wait, you're leaving? - Might have to.
- I'm really sorry.
I know how much this place means to you.
Oh, well And you've been so happy.
Well, 'Ray happy'.
Don will be gutted.
- Are you gonna move in with her? - Who? Oh, my God, can you stop pretending that you're not having sex with her? I'm not pretending.
I don't know whether you're trying to protect my feelings by hiding your relationship, but I'm a big boy and I can handle it.
You need to figure out why you can't be honest about what you're doing.
You OK, D-Man? Oh, strategy time, Sammy, that's all.
Got you some tummy tablets.
- How big do you think my tummy is? - Costco.
- Couldn't leave 'em there.
- Good girl.
- LESLIE: Is it true? - Oh, Leslie, it's just awful.
We have five days to get the trailers off the road.
Don's trying to think of a way around it.
It's only the dog wash, right? Our businesses won't be affected, will they? Will they? Is Yaytionery in trouble? Chill, you guys.
Everything's cool.
He's just thinking.
See? Everything's cool.
We've just never seen Don thinking before.
I haven't even kissed you good morning yet.
No.
No, we can't be public here.
Shall we go outside? Can't be public there, either.
That doesn't leave many places.
I don't understand.
- Don said that we could be together.
- Don said? What about everyone else? They will all be so jealous.
- Because we're like a power couple? - Sure.
We need to keep this a secret.
Which is kinda hot, right? You and I knowing, but no-one else does? - We should have like a secret code.
- Should we? You can be Goldilocks and I'll be Baby Bear.
- No.
- Please? OK, fine.
Sam, do we need to discuss the dads? Am I interrupting something? - No.
- Yes.
- Kim! - BB? Mm.
Leslie and I really need to talk.
Leslie, do you like Goldilocks? Goldilocks? Mm, not really.
Well, I love her.
(KNOCKING ON BONNET) You're two hours early.
Oh! Oh, Ray, you are insatiable.
Ray? I don't think a vineyard is a good idea.
Well, it's quite a good one if you want to make wine.
I just can't see myself in it.
Why not? Is this because of him? No, he just wanted to know what was happening with his parents.
Not Leslie, Don.
Don has nothing to do with this.
Well, Don has everything to do with this.
He's the reason you would choose a dog wash franchise over a winery.
No, I'm not doing that.
Believe me.
Well, what are you doing? You need to pick a side, Ray.
This has got nothing to do with sides.
That's exactly what it is.
I'm on one, Don's on the other.
How can you not see he is poison? Because I don't hate everyone I don't agree with.
Well, at least I've got principles.
What's unprincipled about a dog wash franchise? Seriously? How does that put me on the wrong side? It's beneath you and you know it.
Yvonne, nothing's beneath me.
I fell from any moral high ground I might have been on the moment I started lying to Leslie about us.
Why did I do that? I think somewhere I know it's not right.
What? Us is not right? Oh, just because Leslie isn't This isn't about Leslie.
This isn't about Don.
This is about you and me fitting into something from a long time ago.
Oh, how can you say that? We've been planning for our future, not the past.
I understand, I really do.
You know I'm not the Ray you want.
You want Vineyard Ray, you don't want Dog Wash Ray.
The thing is, I'm not either.
I'm just Ray.
- (KNOCKS) - Yeah! Hi, Don.
I know you're in the zone, so I thought you might need some brain food.
My special stash of Tim Tams, the real ones, not the Aldi ones, and tea, extra sugar, the way you like it, OK? Oh! I know what I wanted to ask you.
About Funny Dunny, who will write the jokes on the toilet paper when Ray leaves? Ray is not going anywhere.
Oh, I thought because of the dog wash folding Olivia, the only thing folding will be your termination letter into an envelope if you don't get out so I can finish thrashing out a solution in here.
Sorry, Don.
Just forget I asked.
(DOOR BUZZES) CELESTE: Ooh, well, what have we here? Oh! Sam, special delivery! What the actual? The card says, "Love, Baby Bear.
" Who's Baby Bear? Oh, YOU'RE Goldilocks.
He knows Goldilocks is blonde, right? - Mm, keep drawing.
- Isn't it romantic? - I thought it was from a client.
- Are you seeing someone, Sam? What kind of perv sends a bunch of teddies? - Is he old? - Come on, who's the lucky guy? I can tell you who the UNLUCKY guy will be if he keeps talking to me.
- Is it me? - Yes, it is.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Excuse me, Don, I thought you might like to sign Ray's card.
What card? His going-away card.
Vijay, what is a going-away card for? - Going away? - Listen up, people.
I don't want to see anybody signing any goodbye cards or buying any goodbye gifts or organising any farewell dos for This is bullshit.
What do they make these out of? Cody, could I please borrow your Leatherman? Oh, yep.
There you go.
Thank you.
Ray is not going anywhere.
We have five whole days to comply with the ASB, so could I have at least five whole minutes to think, without one of you coming in, taking up a collection for Ray's gold watch? Don? Sam and I have been working on the compliance issue.
- We've got an idea.
- Have you? We don't have to replace the whole trailer, do we? What if we were able to amend the logo? That could work.
Oh! Nice of you to join us.
Can we borrow Cody for a couple of hours to help? Colonel Cody, you heard him.
Fall out, soldier.
OK.
You disappear to mope for half the day whilst I solve all the problems.
Great partnership, isn't it, Ray? Don, this is Daniel from the ASB.
Thanks for coming in, Daniel.
You know what often happens when people like you try to stop things? You start things.
I'm like any great artist, Daniel.
You give me limits, I will bust right out of them.
I'm like the guy with the Campbell's soup painting.
- You ever seen that one? - Yes? You know why he painted that? Because the only thing he had in his whole house was a can of soup.
I'm not sure that's actually what happened.
Doesn't matter.
What was the end result? It was a good piece of art? No! It made him a bloody fortune.
It's hard to argue with that logic.
And now, because of the limitations you've imposed, I am able to present to you, Don's Dirty Dog Wash 2.
0.
(APPLAUSE) Fully compliant, and only $25 for the starburst and $4 for the dowel.
Now you see it, now you don't.
Pretty impressive eh, Daniel? What's to stop a franchisee from taking it off and exposing the logo? Well, what those wing nuts decide to do with it isn't my responsibility, is it? Yes, it is.
That's precisely why the logo has to be changed.
- It is changed.
- Permanently.
No, hang on, you didn't say permanent.
You said amend, we amended.
You said comply, we have complied.
That's not compliance.
I cannot believe what I am hearing.
So, you're telling me that just because of a bunch of complaints Oh, it was just one complaint.
From Far North Queensland.
One complaint? You're willing to destroy an empire because of one complaint in Far North Queensland? That's a joke, isn't it Ray? No.
It's not.
Have you been to Far North Queensland, Daniel? What what are you writing? Are are you seriously not gonna pass this? So, you're sucking up to one Christian Right Unabomber and penalising the rest of the country? Because we're not just talking about the 56 hardworking families that have taken on the franchises, we're also talking about taking the joy away from the whole of Australia when they see those dogs having a root.
Because when when people see that, they smile.
And why wouldn't they? The dogs are rooting.
They're not coward-punching each other or or shooting up ice.
They're not religious extremist dogs.
They're having a bit of rumpy-pumpy.
Who doesn't like seeing the family dog go Nanna's leg at Christmas dinner? It's funny and it's natural.
Did that letter also go to Sir David Attenborough? No.
I didn't think so.
A couple of zebras can pump each other in slo-mo for 20 minutes on a Sunday night and that's fine, that's science.
But it's different for me, isn't it? I'm making money.
That's what this is all about, isn't it, sunshine? People like you hate people like me because people like you will never make any money.
That's why you listen to the politically correct nut jobs, isn't it? Because it suits you.
Time and time again, you people tell me what's right.
What I can and can't earn, what I can and can't say, what I can and can't think.
It's fucking petty, and it's everything that's fucked about this country.
We're here, having a go.
But the government is saying, "Fuck off, Ray, you are worthless.
"You are old, and nobody wants you.
' - Aren't they, Ray? - I'm sorry to have upset you.
You have two days.
So, Don, did you want me to start winding up the company now? I tell you what you can start winding up.
Your little thing with my girl.
That's over.
I'm so sorry, Ray.
Yes.
Thank you, Celeste.
Could I borrow your phone? Actually, can I borrow everybody's phone? Thank you.
- Are you OK? - No, the dog wash is dead.
I mean about us.
- Kim - No, listen.
Don was just upset about liquidating.
He didn't mean what he said about you and me.
He 100% meant it.
Well, we don't have to tell him straightaway that we're still seeing each other.
We're not.
No more Goldilocks and no more Baby Bear.
Exactly.
It's out in the open now.
- I got something for you.
- No, I don't want it.
- Bad luck, you have to take this.
- No! No more! No more balloons or stuffed bears or cupcakes or roses or signs on sheets on the overpass when I drive to work.
- You saw that? - We're not going out anymore.
- OK? - But I got you a really special gift.
Sam? Would you be able to help me with something? Anything.
Anything at all.
And it's everything that's fucked about this country.
Yep, take that.
Stay on Vijay's for all of this.
But then cut to Ashley's from the forklift because she's got a clearer shot.
We're here, having a go.
But the government is saying, "Oh, fuck off, Ray, you are worthless.
" Perfect.
(CLATTERING NOISE) Don? Oh, I'm really sorry we couldn't get the starburst to turn things round.
Well, that's not your fault, mate.
You tried, didn't you? Well, we so wanted to save Ray.
Yep.
Well We had a battle.
We lost.
You understand that more than anyone.
This is just like Afghanistan, isn't it? Oh, I wouldn't Sometimes you lose good men.
Don! Ray was worried you'd gone.
He needs to see you.
No worries.
I'll, uh I'll be there in a minute.
- Found him.
- (CAR DEPARTS) Oh, he's leaving.
Do we have to wait? Fuck him.
Upload it.
(PHONE BEEPS INCESSANTLY) (BEEPING CONTINUES) A couple of zebras, they can pump each other in slo-mo for 20 minutes on a Sunday night, and that's fine, that's science.
But it's different for me, isn't it, eh? I'm making money.
(PHONE RINGS) You finally woke up.
Did you post this to Facebook? Is this your idea of a joke? It's got 50,000 shares.
The whole bloody world has seen it.
Shut up and put the radio on.
- What the fuck, Sammy? - Dad, just do it.
.
.
fucked about this country.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: I mean, if this doesn't sum up the nanny state nonsense that is ruining this country, I don't know what does.
This poor bloke is out there, creating jobs, creating wealth! And these prissy idiots are trying to tear it all down.
I've got literally hundreds of text messages saying the same thing.
Kylie, what did you want to say? Oh, hi, Brent.
I think it's the ASB or whatever they're called.
They're they're talking about me on the radio.
- See you at work.
- (CALLER CONTINUES) (HUBBUB) CELESTE: If you could hold the line for just a moment.
(KNOCKS ON WINDOW) Ashley! Can you please pick up line four? Don's Dirty Dog Wash.
Can you hold the line, please? Goodness me, that girl.
SAM: D-Man! You just hit 250,000 views on Facebook! Hashtag Don's Dirty Dog Wash is trending on everything.
Twitter's off the chain, and look at all these memes.
People are obsessed with you! And, what, they're not angry with me? Dude, you're like their hero.
Oh, check this out.
(LAUGHS) Some guy's got a dog wash logo sticker and put it on his fucking car! (BOTH LAUGH) Check out the hashtag.
FreeDonofspeech.
- You've got a hashtag! - (LAUGHS) I've got a hashtag! I've got a hashtag! Hey! (ALL CHEER) What does that mean? You've gone viral, you lamo.
#freeDonofspeech.
They're trying to save you.
Sammy, oh, you are a genius! - Not me, Ray.
- RAY: No.
I'm afraid Mill Park has gone.
We can put them on the waiting list for Epping.
We could put you on a waiting list.
Don, I'm confused.
I've got 17 deposits for dog washes.
Am I processing them today, or am I liquidating the company tomorrow? Sammy, can you get my fan base to save me any faster? I've gone viral.
Please.
WOMAN: (ON TV) The franchise currently licensed to almost 60 owners around the country faces extinction this week Oh! .
.
because of a logo deemed inappropriate by the industry watchdog.
You are fucking kidding me! A huge public outcry has ensued and this morning, the Minister for Consumer Affairs was left with no choice but to weigh in.
Oh, here we go again, the government sticking its bloody big snout into my business.
Obviously the Advertising Standards Bureau is woefully out of touch with the Australian public, who think it's just a bit of fun, and I agree with them.
So does the Prime Minister.
- (ALL LAUGH) - That is government intervention at its best.
The Prime Minister.
Did you hear that, Ray? It's the ASB's job to reflect community standards, and clearly they're not doing that, or listening to what the community is emphatically saying.
And they are emphatically saying, "We want to see rooting dogs!" Alright, everyone, listen up.
We've got the support of the Prime Minister and the Australian public.
This is your classic pincer, right Cody? Yeah.
Now we need to ram this sucker right up the ASB's jacksy.
- Yes, Don.
- Celeste, Get them on the blower.
Tell them to free up some parking, because first thing tomorrow morning, there are gonna be 40 rooting dog wash trailers pulling up outside the ASB offices.
Ray, let's get every franchisee down here.
Sammy, you spread this on social media.
Yep.
Bring your dirty dog tomorrow in support and we'll wash them for free.
- Do it, guys.
- Let's go, people! (CELESTE LAUGHS) Oh, poor Kim.
- He's heartbroken, isn't he? - He'll get over it.
I'm not sure.
He really fell for you.
Celeste, it was eight days.
A cold lasts longer.
You know what you want, what you don't want, and I admire that.
A lot of girls would have been persuaded by that expensive bracelet.
- What expensive bracelet? - Didn't he give it to you? - He showed it to me yesterday and - How expensive? I don't know what that means.
Just tell me.
$25,000.
Where did he get $25,000? His family, I suppose.
His family are very, very rich.
- Didn't you know that? - No.
Oh, they're loaded.
His uncle's the biggest, what is it .
.
memory chip manufacturer in South Korea.
We have 22 confirmed to turn up from Victoria.
Should we be doing something in Tassie? They love a squabble down there.
They'd get on board.
Don? I have Daniel from the ASB on line two.
Have you? Dirty Daniel.
How are things at the ASB? Mr Angel, I won't take up your time.
Other than the last five days.
Sorry.
Go on, Danny.
I'm calling to say that the ASB will be withdrawing their non-compliance notice as the decision regarding the Don's Dirty Dog Wash logo has been reversed.
So, you're on Facebook? This has nothing to do with the online campaign you ran.
- Hasn't it? - No, it was an internal decision.
That's disappointing for Ray Leonard Leonard, the man standing next to me.
- Say hello, Ray.
- Hello.
Ray is responsible for the How many views has it had now, Sammy? Over 2 million.
Oh! Over 2 million views and no effect, Ray.
No, that's right.
So, um, just just to be clear, you won't be needing the parking out the front of the offices tomorrow morning? Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty Dog Wash - Don's Dirty Dog Wash - Do the woofs, Ray.
Woof, woof, woof! ALL: Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty Dog Wash Don's Dirty, Don's, Don's Dirty Dog Dog Wash Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog Dog Wash Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty Dog Dog Wash, Dog Wash, Dirty, Dirty Dog Wash Don's Dirty Dog Wash, Dirty Don's Dog Wash Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty Dog Wash Don's Dirty, Dirty Don's Dirty Dog Wash! Yes! - Outstanding, people.
- Winners, winners get chicken dinners! Come on, you lot, chicken's up.
Leslie, is that alright? To call it chicken? What is the correct term? - Is it hen? Or maybe rooster.
- Varies from chicken to chicken.
Perhaps this chicken identifies as free-range and organic.
Organic? Have you seen this chicken? It's pumped with more hormones than I am.
They work though, don't they? On you and the chook.
(PHONE CHIMES) Who's that? - You're so shallow.
- What's your point? This is good, isn't it, hmm? We should do this every Wednesday.
Come on, who's up for next Wednesday night? I can't.
I'm in WA next week.
- What for? - I sent you an email.
I don't read emails.
I sit in the office next door to you.
Can't you just yell it out like we've always done? Success has gone to your head, Ray.
I'm making our push into South Perth and the Margaret River.
Oh, that sounds good.
Can I come? - No.
- Why not? You've got too much work to do here.
Listen to you.
I've got too much work to do? Who's the boss, Ray? Did you join the Qantas Club? Hey? You bloody did, didn't you? You are loving this, aren't you? I don't know what you're talking about.
(ALARM CHIRPS) (ENGINES START)
I don't know if I have a book in me.
You'll never know if you stay there.
Don't you owe yourself the chance to find out? I'm not dating Kim! You don't have to do anything with him, just string him along a little.
Fine.
The ASB handle complaints from the public.
We've been accused of breaching community standards.
Tell them to get fucked, and show them the logo for how to do it.
- Have you preset my passenger seat? - I'm number one.
(LAUGHS) You bloody love it when I pick you up, don't you? - (PHONE CHIMES) - Is that your sex ex? - No, it's my property manager.
- Why are you lying to me? Oh, is dirty Yvonne sending you sexy texts, Ray? Is she? Do you need to send a dick pic? Here.
No, don't mind me.
Go on, you do what you need to do.
- Have you done it? - Yep.
- Can I've a look? - No.
Bet you'd like to get her in your number one preset position, wouldn't you Ray, hey? Do it Rover style? Is that what you call doggie position? - You should get one.
- What? A Range Rover.
Sell the lesbian wagon.
Did you know that about Subarus? That they were designed for lesbians? Actually, Subaru was the first company to MARKET to lesbians.
Is that what it was? Well, how would you design a car for lesbians? I don't know, Ray, I'm not a designer.
Or a lesbian.
Are you? No, Don, I'm not.
Then, seriously, why don't you get yourself something nice? - (PHONE RINGS) - You got plenty of coin.
Good morning, Celeste.
- Oh, hello Ray.
Ooh, you look comfy.
- Thank you.
Oh, morning Don.
Ray, do you remember you asked me to let you know if we received a letter from the ASB.
Yes? Well, we received a letter from the ASB.
What's the ASB? Would you read it for me, please, Celeste? (READS) "The Advertising Standards Bureau wishes to advise you "that the complaint against the Don's Dirty Dog Wash logo "has been upheld and, as such, the offending logo must be amended "or removed from all dog wash trailers within five working days.
" What does that mean? I just can't believe it, Ray.
Our objection letter didn't work.
OUR objection letter? Since when has Celeste been head of PR, Ray? It was very clever, Don.
What a shame we have to think of a new logo when the fornicating dogs have been so successful.
Alright, Negative Nancy.
I can think of a thousand other offensive logos, if it comes to that.
The real issue is the cost of compliance.
Kimbo? OK, so if we redo the fibreglass on all the trailers, we're looking at 10K by 56 trailers, which equals 560K.
We can anticipate that the trailers will be off the road for six weeks, translating to a loss of income of 1K per week by six weeks by 56 trailers, equals 336K.
New advertising and rebranding, allow 200K.
We're looking at over .
.
$1 million, easily.
Obviously, liquidation would then be the only available course of action.
But what about Ray? Will Ray be liquidated? Absolutely.
Obliterated.
All costs to zero, immediately.
Kim, are you available for hospital visits? Because my mum's dying of cancer and someone needs to break her the news.
- Don, it's alright.
- No, it's bloody not alright.
But this has been the operating procedure for all your other failing businesses This isn't any failing business, this is Don's Dirty Dog Wash, which, by the way, is not failing.
(GURGLING NOISE) The only thing I am liquidating this morning is my Sausage McMuffin.
We just need to think of another way.
There is no other way.
I know, Kim.
It's really alright.
Not more bad news, Ray? - Hmm? It's my plumber.
- Oh, dear, you poor thing.
- What a day.
- Just need to step out, make a call.
(HORN BEEPS) - How was the doctor? - LESLIE: All good.
You waiting for me? No, I was just thinking.
About the future.
Does it involve my mother? Actually, there's been a rather large hiccup with the dog wash.
- We might be forced out of business.
- Oh, my God, that's terrible.
- Yes.
- Are you OK? - Well, perhaps it's time to move on.
- Wait, you're leaving? - Might have to.
- I'm really sorry.
I know how much this place means to you.
Oh, well And you've been so happy.
Well, 'Ray happy'.
Don will be gutted.
- Are you gonna move in with her? - Who? Oh, my God, can you stop pretending that you're not having sex with her? I'm not pretending.
I don't know whether you're trying to protect my feelings by hiding your relationship, but I'm a big boy and I can handle it.
You need to figure out why you can't be honest about what you're doing.
You OK, D-Man? Oh, strategy time, Sammy, that's all.
Got you some tummy tablets.
- How big do you think my tummy is? - Costco.
- Couldn't leave 'em there.
- Good girl.
- LESLIE: Is it true? - Oh, Leslie, it's just awful.
We have five days to get the trailers off the road.
Don's trying to think of a way around it.
It's only the dog wash, right? Our businesses won't be affected, will they? Will they? Is Yaytionery in trouble? Chill, you guys.
Everything's cool.
He's just thinking.
See? Everything's cool.
We've just never seen Don thinking before.
I haven't even kissed you good morning yet.
No.
No, we can't be public here.
Shall we go outside? Can't be public there, either.
That doesn't leave many places.
I don't understand.
- Don said that we could be together.
- Don said? What about everyone else? They will all be so jealous.
- Because we're like a power couple? - Sure.
We need to keep this a secret.
Which is kinda hot, right? You and I knowing, but no-one else does? - We should have like a secret code.
- Should we? You can be Goldilocks and I'll be Baby Bear.
- No.
- Please? OK, fine.
Sam, do we need to discuss the dads? Am I interrupting something? - No.
- Yes.
- Kim! - BB? Mm.
Leslie and I really need to talk.
Leslie, do you like Goldilocks? Goldilocks? Mm, not really.
Well, I love her.
(KNOCKING ON BONNET) You're two hours early.
Oh! Oh, Ray, you are insatiable.
Ray? I don't think a vineyard is a good idea.
Well, it's quite a good one if you want to make wine.
I just can't see myself in it.
Why not? Is this because of him? No, he just wanted to know what was happening with his parents.
Not Leslie, Don.
Don has nothing to do with this.
Well, Don has everything to do with this.
He's the reason you would choose a dog wash franchise over a winery.
No, I'm not doing that.
Believe me.
Well, what are you doing? You need to pick a side, Ray.
This has got nothing to do with sides.
That's exactly what it is.
I'm on one, Don's on the other.
How can you not see he is poison? Because I don't hate everyone I don't agree with.
Well, at least I've got principles.
What's unprincipled about a dog wash franchise? Seriously? How does that put me on the wrong side? It's beneath you and you know it.
Yvonne, nothing's beneath me.
I fell from any moral high ground I might have been on the moment I started lying to Leslie about us.
Why did I do that? I think somewhere I know it's not right.
What? Us is not right? Oh, just because Leslie isn't This isn't about Leslie.
This isn't about Don.
This is about you and me fitting into something from a long time ago.
Oh, how can you say that? We've been planning for our future, not the past.
I understand, I really do.
You know I'm not the Ray you want.
You want Vineyard Ray, you don't want Dog Wash Ray.
The thing is, I'm not either.
I'm just Ray.
- (KNOCKS) - Yeah! Hi, Don.
I know you're in the zone, so I thought you might need some brain food.
My special stash of Tim Tams, the real ones, not the Aldi ones, and tea, extra sugar, the way you like it, OK? Oh! I know what I wanted to ask you.
About Funny Dunny, who will write the jokes on the toilet paper when Ray leaves? Ray is not going anywhere.
Oh, I thought because of the dog wash folding Olivia, the only thing folding will be your termination letter into an envelope if you don't get out so I can finish thrashing out a solution in here.
Sorry, Don.
Just forget I asked.
(DOOR BUZZES) CELESTE: Ooh, well, what have we here? Oh! Sam, special delivery! What the actual? The card says, "Love, Baby Bear.
" Who's Baby Bear? Oh, YOU'RE Goldilocks.
He knows Goldilocks is blonde, right? - Mm, keep drawing.
- Isn't it romantic? - I thought it was from a client.
- Are you seeing someone, Sam? What kind of perv sends a bunch of teddies? - Is he old? - Come on, who's the lucky guy? I can tell you who the UNLUCKY guy will be if he keeps talking to me.
- Is it me? - Yes, it is.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Excuse me, Don, I thought you might like to sign Ray's card.
What card? His going-away card.
Vijay, what is a going-away card for? - Going away? - Listen up, people.
I don't want to see anybody signing any goodbye cards or buying any goodbye gifts or organising any farewell dos for This is bullshit.
What do they make these out of? Cody, could I please borrow your Leatherman? Oh, yep.
There you go.
Thank you.
Ray is not going anywhere.
We have five whole days to comply with the ASB, so could I have at least five whole minutes to think, without one of you coming in, taking up a collection for Ray's gold watch? Don? Sam and I have been working on the compliance issue.
- We've got an idea.
- Have you? We don't have to replace the whole trailer, do we? What if we were able to amend the logo? That could work.
Oh! Nice of you to join us.
Can we borrow Cody for a couple of hours to help? Colonel Cody, you heard him.
Fall out, soldier.
OK.
You disappear to mope for half the day whilst I solve all the problems.
Great partnership, isn't it, Ray? Don, this is Daniel from the ASB.
Thanks for coming in, Daniel.
You know what often happens when people like you try to stop things? You start things.
I'm like any great artist, Daniel.
You give me limits, I will bust right out of them.
I'm like the guy with the Campbell's soup painting.
- You ever seen that one? - Yes? You know why he painted that? Because the only thing he had in his whole house was a can of soup.
I'm not sure that's actually what happened.
Doesn't matter.
What was the end result? It was a good piece of art? No! It made him a bloody fortune.
It's hard to argue with that logic.
And now, because of the limitations you've imposed, I am able to present to you, Don's Dirty Dog Wash 2.
0.
(APPLAUSE) Fully compliant, and only $25 for the starburst and $4 for the dowel.
Now you see it, now you don't.
Pretty impressive eh, Daniel? What's to stop a franchisee from taking it off and exposing the logo? Well, what those wing nuts decide to do with it isn't my responsibility, is it? Yes, it is.
That's precisely why the logo has to be changed.
- It is changed.
- Permanently.
No, hang on, you didn't say permanent.
You said amend, we amended.
You said comply, we have complied.
That's not compliance.
I cannot believe what I am hearing.
So, you're telling me that just because of a bunch of complaints Oh, it was just one complaint.
From Far North Queensland.
One complaint? You're willing to destroy an empire because of one complaint in Far North Queensland? That's a joke, isn't it Ray? No.
It's not.
Have you been to Far North Queensland, Daniel? What what are you writing? Are are you seriously not gonna pass this? So, you're sucking up to one Christian Right Unabomber and penalising the rest of the country? Because we're not just talking about the 56 hardworking families that have taken on the franchises, we're also talking about taking the joy away from the whole of Australia when they see those dogs having a root.
Because when when people see that, they smile.
And why wouldn't they? The dogs are rooting.
They're not coward-punching each other or or shooting up ice.
They're not religious extremist dogs.
They're having a bit of rumpy-pumpy.
Who doesn't like seeing the family dog go Nanna's leg at Christmas dinner? It's funny and it's natural.
Did that letter also go to Sir David Attenborough? No.
I didn't think so.
A couple of zebras can pump each other in slo-mo for 20 minutes on a Sunday night and that's fine, that's science.
But it's different for me, isn't it? I'm making money.
That's what this is all about, isn't it, sunshine? People like you hate people like me because people like you will never make any money.
That's why you listen to the politically correct nut jobs, isn't it? Because it suits you.
Time and time again, you people tell me what's right.
What I can and can't earn, what I can and can't say, what I can and can't think.
It's fucking petty, and it's everything that's fucked about this country.
We're here, having a go.
But the government is saying, "Fuck off, Ray, you are worthless.
"You are old, and nobody wants you.
' - Aren't they, Ray? - I'm sorry to have upset you.
You have two days.
So, Don, did you want me to start winding up the company now? I tell you what you can start winding up.
Your little thing with my girl.
That's over.
I'm so sorry, Ray.
Yes.
Thank you, Celeste.
Could I borrow your phone? Actually, can I borrow everybody's phone? Thank you.
- Are you OK? - No, the dog wash is dead.
I mean about us.
- Kim - No, listen.
Don was just upset about liquidating.
He didn't mean what he said about you and me.
He 100% meant it.
Well, we don't have to tell him straightaway that we're still seeing each other.
We're not.
No more Goldilocks and no more Baby Bear.
Exactly.
It's out in the open now.
- I got something for you.
- No, I don't want it.
- Bad luck, you have to take this.
- No! No more! No more balloons or stuffed bears or cupcakes or roses or signs on sheets on the overpass when I drive to work.
- You saw that? - We're not going out anymore.
- OK? - But I got you a really special gift.
Sam? Would you be able to help me with something? Anything.
Anything at all.
And it's everything that's fucked about this country.
Yep, take that.
Stay on Vijay's for all of this.
But then cut to Ashley's from the forklift because she's got a clearer shot.
We're here, having a go.
But the government is saying, "Oh, fuck off, Ray, you are worthless.
" Perfect.
(CLATTERING NOISE) Don? Oh, I'm really sorry we couldn't get the starburst to turn things round.
Well, that's not your fault, mate.
You tried, didn't you? Well, we so wanted to save Ray.
Yep.
Well We had a battle.
We lost.
You understand that more than anyone.
This is just like Afghanistan, isn't it? Oh, I wouldn't Sometimes you lose good men.
Don! Ray was worried you'd gone.
He needs to see you.
No worries.
I'll, uh I'll be there in a minute.
- Found him.
- (CAR DEPARTS) Oh, he's leaving.
Do we have to wait? Fuck him.
Upload it.
(PHONE BEEPS INCESSANTLY) (BEEPING CONTINUES) A couple of zebras, they can pump each other in slo-mo for 20 minutes on a Sunday night, and that's fine, that's science.
But it's different for me, isn't it, eh? I'm making money.
(PHONE RINGS) You finally woke up.
Did you post this to Facebook? Is this your idea of a joke? It's got 50,000 shares.
The whole bloody world has seen it.
Shut up and put the radio on.
- What the fuck, Sammy? - Dad, just do it.
.
.
fucked about this country.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: I mean, if this doesn't sum up the nanny state nonsense that is ruining this country, I don't know what does.
This poor bloke is out there, creating jobs, creating wealth! And these prissy idiots are trying to tear it all down.
I've got literally hundreds of text messages saying the same thing.
Kylie, what did you want to say? Oh, hi, Brent.
I think it's the ASB or whatever they're called.
They're they're talking about me on the radio.
- See you at work.
- (CALLER CONTINUES) (HUBBUB) CELESTE: If you could hold the line for just a moment.
(KNOCKS ON WINDOW) Ashley! Can you please pick up line four? Don's Dirty Dog Wash.
Can you hold the line, please? Goodness me, that girl.
SAM: D-Man! You just hit 250,000 views on Facebook! Hashtag Don's Dirty Dog Wash is trending on everything.
Twitter's off the chain, and look at all these memes.
People are obsessed with you! And, what, they're not angry with me? Dude, you're like their hero.
Oh, check this out.
(LAUGHS) Some guy's got a dog wash logo sticker and put it on his fucking car! (BOTH LAUGH) Check out the hashtag.
FreeDonofspeech.
- You've got a hashtag! - (LAUGHS) I've got a hashtag! I've got a hashtag! Hey! (ALL CHEER) What does that mean? You've gone viral, you lamo.
#freeDonofspeech.
They're trying to save you.
Sammy, oh, you are a genius! - Not me, Ray.
- RAY: No.
I'm afraid Mill Park has gone.
We can put them on the waiting list for Epping.
We could put you on a waiting list.
Don, I'm confused.
I've got 17 deposits for dog washes.
Am I processing them today, or am I liquidating the company tomorrow? Sammy, can you get my fan base to save me any faster? I've gone viral.
Please.
WOMAN: (ON TV) The franchise currently licensed to almost 60 owners around the country faces extinction this week Oh! .
.
because of a logo deemed inappropriate by the industry watchdog.
You are fucking kidding me! A huge public outcry has ensued and this morning, the Minister for Consumer Affairs was left with no choice but to weigh in.
Oh, here we go again, the government sticking its bloody big snout into my business.
Obviously the Advertising Standards Bureau is woefully out of touch with the Australian public, who think it's just a bit of fun, and I agree with them.
So does the Prime Minister.
- (ALL LAUGH) - That is government intervention at its best.
The Prime Minister.
Did you hear that, Ray? It's the ASB's job to reflect community standards, and clearly they're not doing that, or listening to what the community is emphatically saying.
And they are emphatically saying, "We want to see rooting dogs!" Alright, everyone, listen up.
We've got the support of the Prime Minister and the Australian public.
This is your classic pincer, right Cody? Yeah.
Now we need to ram this sucker right up the ASB's jacksy.
- Yes, Don.
- Celeste, Get them on the blower.
Tell them to free up some parking, because first thing tomorrow morning, there are gonna be 40 rooting dog wash trailers pulling up outside the ASB offices.
Ray, let's get every franchisee down here.
Sammy, you spread this on social media.
Yep.
Bring your dirty dog tomorrow in support and we'll wash them for free.
- Do it, guys.
- Let's go, people! (CELESTE LAUGHS) Oh, poor Kim.
- He's heartbroken, isn't he? - He'll get over it.
I'm not sure.
He really fell for you.
Celeste, it was eight days.
A cold lasts longer.
You know what you want, what you don't want, and I admire that.
A lot of girls would have been persuaded by that expensive bracelet.
- What expensive bracelet? - Didn't he give it to you? - He showed it to me yesterday and - How expensive? I don't know what that means.
Just tell me.
$25,000.
Where did he get $25,000? His family, I suppose.
His family are very, very rich.
- Didn't you know that? - No.
Oh, they're loaded.
His uncle's the biggest, what is it .
.
memory chip manufacturer in South Korea.
We have 22 confirmed to turn up from Victoria.
Should we be doing something in Tassie? They love a squabble down there.
They'd get on board.
Don? I have Daniel from the ASB on line two.
Have you? Dirty Daniel.
How are things at the ASB? Mr Angel, I won't take up your time.
Other than the last five days.
Sorry.
Go on, Danny.
I'm calling to say that the ASB will be withdrawing their non-compliance notice as the decision regarding the Don's Dirty Dog Wash logo has been reversed.
So, you're on Facebook? This has nothing to do with the online campaign you ran.
- Hasn't it? - No, it was an internal decision.
That's disappointing for Ray Leonard Leonard, the man standing next to me.
- Say hello, Ray.
- Hello.
Ray is responsible for the How many views has it had now, Sammy? Over 2 million.
Oh! Over 2 million views and no effect, Ray.
No, that's right.
So, um, just just to be clear, you won't be needing the parking out the front of the offices tomorrow morning? Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty Dog Wash - Don's Dirty Dog Wash - Do the woofs, Ray.
Woof, woof, woof! ALL: Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty Dog Wash Don's Dirty, Don's, Don's Dirty Dog Dog Wash Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog, Dirty Dog Dog Wash Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty Dog Dog Wash, Dog Wash, Dirty, Dirty Dog Wash Don's Dirty Dog Wash, Dirty Don's Dog Wash Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty, Don's Dirty Dog Wash Don's Dirty, Dirty Don's Dirty Dog Wash! Yes! - Outstanding, people.
- Winners, winners get chicken dinners! Come on, you lot, chicken's up.
Leslie, is that alright? To call it chicken? What is the correct term? - Is it hen? Or maybe rooster.
- Varies from chicken to chicken.
Perhaps this chicken identifies as free-range and organic.
Organic? Have you seen this chicken? It's pumped with more hormones than I am.
They work though, don't they? On you and the chook.
(PHONE CHIMES) Who's that? - You're so shallow.
- What's your point? This is good, isn't it, hmm? We should do this every Wednesday.
Come on, who's up for next Wednesday night? I can't.
I'm in WA next week.
- What for? - I sent you an email.
I don't read emails.
I sit in the office next door to you.
Can't you just yell it out like we've always done? Success has gone to your head, Ray.
I'm making our push into South Perth and the Margaret River.
Oh, that sounds good.
Can I come? - No.
- Why not? You've got too much work to do here.
Listen to you.
I've got too much work to do? Who's the boss, Ray? Did you join the Qantas Club? Hey? You bloody did, didn't you? You are loving this, aren't you? I don't know what you're talking about.
(ALARM CHIRPS) (ENGINES START)