Back to You (2007) s01e07 Episode Script

that **** of a live studio audience.
Firefighters spent two hours trying to get admiral cheswick free from his kitty door.
Looks like this is one lap cat who could use a few laps around the track.
That is one big cat.
You can say that again.
Ginormous.
that's the kind of cat that could scare a dog.
big cat.
Big cat.
and that's the news.
Good night, pittsburgh.
Good night.
We're clear.
Okay, that was some bad banter.
Terrible.
The worst.
Bad banter.
- Bad banter.
- All right.
You're hearing this, right, all of you? Geez.
Hey, great show, gary.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Local emmy.
I told you, marsh, I can't bowl tomorrow.
It's my anniversary.
I am spending the day with kitty.
We're defending our honor against channel eight.
They called us bitches last year, gary.
Bitches.
Relax.
Why do you have to be so competitive? I'm just fed up with that smug sports monkey wade gesser and his constant veiled comments like, "oh, you guys really stink at bowling.
What's veiled about that? Is he wearing a veil when he says it? Hey, marsh, we still on for bowling tomorrow? You know it, buddy.
See what I'm working with.
Come on, crezyzewski, you're the best bowler at the station.
It's in your polish blood.
Like kielbasa and collaborating with the nazis.
Why can't you get chuck to do it? Well, chuck is a fancy anchorman with a busy social life.
He doesn't want to waste his saturday bowling with the rank and file.
Hey, if you need me, I'll go bowling with you.
What the heck, I didn't have any plans anyway.
I was just going to hang out at the cafe next door to the yoga place and wait for women to recognize me.
But I can do that on sunday.
Marsh: Thanks, chuc that's the spirit.
Putting other people ahead of yourself.
Look, marsh, I've missed every birthday and valentine's day for six years because of this job.
It's just it's not good for a marriage.
I understand, gary, but what if I promise you'll be home by 6:00? Marsh! I'm not a young man, gary.
I can't go out a bitch.
Fine, but 6:00.
Last year I had to signal "happy anniversary" to her on-air from the snowdrift where they found a corpse.
He was the second coldest body i saw that night.
Oh, hey, what's all this for? Gracie's birthday party.
I'm just making some headbands for the two laser tag teams.
Laser tag? Isn't this a party for little girls? Yeah.
Are they lesbians? They're 11.
Well, one of them might be.
Dawn.
Little girls don't want to play laser tag.
They want to do fun girly things.
You know what, I have it covered.
You know, for my niece's party, I dress them up in all these hot little outfits.
Did their hair, their makeup.
They loved it.
It was like a mini fashion shoot.
That sounds so fun.
Can you come do that for my party? - Totally.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I thought you wanted to play laser tag.
No, you're the one who wanted us to play laser tag.
Well, you and dawn.
Oh, hey, gracie.
What are you doing here? Some stuff for my birthday party tomorrow.
Your birthday's tomorrow? Well, I I hope it's the best one ever.
So, gracie, how old are you turning? Eleven.
Hmm, you might want to say eight.
People track these things.
It's her birthday tomorrow.
Why didn't you tell me? To be honest, I have been so busy planning her party, I didn't even think of it.
You didn't think of it.
Come on, kelly, I don't buy that for a minute.
Okay, I mean, I was considering telling you, and then I just didn't know how, and then I put it off, and now you're pretty much caught up.
Did you consider that I might want to be involved? I really am sorry about this.
But listen, she doesn't even know you're her father yet.
What could you have done? I don't know, I could have done something.
Maybe I could have helped with the party.
I don't know, what kind of cake does she like? Vanilla, but I can pick one up.
I can pick one up.
Thanks, I can handle it.
Yeah, of course you can.
You can do everything by yourself.
What's that supposed to mean? You don't need anybody's help, especially mine.
You can do the news by yourself, you can raise a child by yourself.
I'm surprised you even needed me the night she was conceived.
Maybe you're like one of those self - impregnating hammerhead sharks.
Only not as friendly.
I wish I could have conceived by myself.
I wouldn't have been lying next to me the morning after drooling and asking for waffles.
Did you ever think that maybe this I- can-do-it-by-myself attitude of yours is one of the reasons nobody's been over for waffles in a while? Um, I have had plenty of people over for waffles.
Well, not plenty, but several.
Satisfied customers, I might add not customers you know, fine, bring the damn cake.
There you go.
com/bbs=- Proudly Presents You Season 1 Episode 06 So that's it.
You're not going to talk to me anymore? What do you want me to say, gutterballs? Oh, that's mature.
Two pins! All you needed was two pins in the last frame, and we would have won.
Yeah, well, I couldn't find a ball with the right-sized holes.
I happen to have a huge middle finger.
You want to see it? Come on, you guys.
Wasn't it fun just hanging out together? Who cares if we lost? I care Because now I'm the one that has to hear wade gesser gloat all year.
And I don't want to hear any more about what a great hook you have.
You'd bowl better if you had an actual hook.
Sure, go ahead and make fun of my bowling.
Oh, but things would be different if this were going down in my house.
I'd like to see you infiltrate ganon's fortress and kill him with the silver arrow.
Oh, wait- first you'd have to collect all eight fragments of the tri-force of wisdom, which is something I've done literally a trillion times.
If you guys knew "legend of zelda, " you'd get what a burn that was.
I'm thinking of grabbing the wheel and flipping the car over.
Votes? Wait, wait, where you going? I'm not for two more exits.
I've got to go by kelly's to drop off a cake for gracie's birthday.
Okay, maybe I wasn't clear, I have to get home.
Kitty and I are going through a bit of a rough patch.
What's the problem? It's nothing big.
It's just the normal growing pains in a marriage.
Arguing, some night hitting what the hell is night hitting? It's a little problem that kitty has.
When she sleeps, she sometimes, you know, unconsciously punches me.
Wow, you don't think she's just a fidgety sleeper? Not since she came after me in the guest room.
Why are you the one getting gracie a birthday cake? Kelly had her hands full and she asked me to do her a favor, that's all.
Oh, where's the cake? I put it somewhere.
oh, yeah, on the roof.
Marsh sorry.
I wish you'd hit those two pins the way you hit those brakes.
All right, well, I got to go by the grocery store and get another cake.
Well, actually I need some things also.
No! No stopping! I bowled a 206 - I did my part.
You're taking me home now for my anniversary.
Oh, shoot, I forgot to get her a card.
Stop at the store.
All right.
hey.
Oh, my god, it's pouring out there.
I had no idea it was going to rain today.
You're the weather girl.
I know, right? So, uh, where's gracie? She and her friends are at another birthday party and then they're going to be dropped off here.
Okay, well, I brought stuff for the mini fashion shoot.
Okay.
Makeup, mirrors, all these cute hats and scarves, markers.
What are the markers for? Oh, just to show them problem areas where they might want to get some work done.
Oh, give me those.
what was that? I don't know.
Listen.
something is up there.
Yeah, you know, an animal must have gotten into the attic to get out of the rain.
Animal? What kind of animal? Probably a squirrel or something.
You're going up there in the attic? That's where whatever it is, is.
What are you going to do with it? Put a chin strap on it and wear it as a hat.
What do you think i'm going to do with it? I'm going to catch it and put it outside.
I don't want it frightening the kids.
And you're going to do this with your bare hands? No, no, no, I have work gloves.
Wow, everything's come out of that closet but you.
there's gracie and her friends.
Well, I see the fashion party's in full swing.
We're in the middle of something.
Like what, gutting a deer? What are you all doing here? I come with cake.
And the fellas had something to say to gracie.
- Happy - she's not here.
Okay, wish her well.
Let's go, guys.
Why is there toothpaste and sanka in here? Oh, those are mine.
Here, here, here.
Marsh.
What is this? Lemon cake? Oh, kids hate lemon cake.
Since when? There are cave painting of children pushing away lemon cake.
You know what, it doesn't matter.
I made cupcakes just in case.
Of course you did.
You didn't trust me to get the right cake.
You didn't get the right cake.
Yes, I did.
You don't believe me, go out and lick my windshield.
what was that? There's a wild animal in the attic.
You want some help with that? It's not a big deal.
I'm going to go upstairs and get rid of it.
Good luck with that.
Let's go, guys.
No, no, no, don't go.
Kelly, what are you doing? We still have to fill the goody bags.
Let them handle this.
They're men.
This is the other thing they're good for.
Forget it, montana.
She has to do it all herself.
Loving mother, perfect hostess, badger catcher.
Okay, fine, fine.
Here knock yourself out.
Take this, in case you get bitten or scratched.
No, I'm fine.
I'll take it.
I may need to wear it to bed.
How does an animal even get into an attic? It doesn't matter.
It's not a game show.
Just do it.
It probably climbed up the gutter.
Well, if anyone knows gutters here, when you catch it, put it in this box.
Be careful up there.
Ryan, we're men.
This is what men do.
we're gonna need some men.
here, I got you some protective gear.
Uh, yeah, about that, ryan, I've been thinking.
I'm on-air, so wouldn't it really be selfish of me to go up there? 'Cause if anything happened to my face, well, then everyone in the station would get hurt.
Well, I'm on-air, too.
So am I.
No.
No way.
No, I'm scared of heights, I'm scared of attics, I'm scared of rats.
There are no rats! Whatever's up there ate them all.
No, I'm not going! That's final! Hey, guys, who's going up there? I'm going! That's final! If that makes me a hero, hey, that's your word.
Oh, I can't watch.
No, no! No, no! No, no! Stop it! I'm going! Stop pushing.
I'm okay, I'm okay of course you're okay.
You didn't land on you.
Marsh, are you all right? I'm fine.
My head took most of the weight.
Uh-oh, my back is seizing up.
Yep.
Okay, there we go.
That's my back.
My nose! What happened to your nose? You dropped a flashlight on it! There's a vicious raccoon up there.
You broke my nose because of a little raccoon? It wasn't little.
It was a snarling beast that came charging at me out of the dark.
I've been there.
All right, listen, we've got to take care of this.
I can't have a raccoon ruin gracie's birthday.
What's up there, anyway? I just said, a raccoon.
I'm okay.
My head took most of the weight.
Oh, boy.
If I'd known what a lady you were gonna turn into, I would have gone up there myself.
you see? It's hideous, isn't it? Where'd it go? there it is.
It's under the couch.
What happened? Did it attack your face? It's attacking faces? - No - okay, that's it.
I'll be in my car.
It is not attacking faces, montana.
It ryan dropped a flashlight on my nose.
You know what? I knew I should have handled this.
Everything is under control.
How much time do we have until the party starts? Any minute.
Have you considered going with a raccoon theme? shoot, it's gracie.
Fellas! - Happy - it's not her.
Okay, there is a possum on my car.
Is this pittsburgh or narnia? what happened to you? Oh, it's just a chronic back thing I've had since ryan landed on me.
Ryan: You know what? I landed on marsh, too, and he's not complaining.
He looks fine.
You think so? Okay, call in the tailor.
I'll take it.
Marsh, are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.
I'm just still brushing away the cobwebs.
I got a lot of concussions when I played football.
God, I miss the old gang from "something" tech.
Okay, you know what? Somebody help marsh.
I'm taking over now.
I'll deal with the raccoon.
Hey, you calling the doctor for marsh? No, I'm calling a cab.
I'm getting the hell out of here.
Kelly, listen yeah, yeah, I'm a control freak, I can't take help from anybody, blah, blah, blah.
Move out of my way.
Look, I know you can do this, but is it so hard to understand a man wanting to catch a raccoon to stop it from ruining a little girl's birthday party who doesn't even know he's her father? What? Look, I've missed ten of her birthdays already.
I don't want to ruin the first one I'm around for.
I already blew it with the cake.
Will you please let me do something? Thank you! What's this for? To catch the raccoon.
Oh, that's a good idea.
I can't believe i'm still on hold.
My marriage is ending, and I'm listening to "hey, jude" on a pan flute.
Montana, what are you doing? Trying to get it to eat one of my pills.
This one will mellow it out, this will make it feel less like a fraud, and this one will make it sleep for 12 hours straight.
Wait, wait, I'll take that.
Hope it dissolves in white wine.
Okay, new plan.
I bet you're all wondering why I'm holding this hamper.
You're gonna trap the raccoon okay.
We need a broom.
- Kitchen.
- I'm on it.
Marsh, are you okay? You think you can find the kitchen? I think I can find it.
Come on, chuck.
What am I going in there for? Start with an ice pack.
All right, all right, listen.
Let's push the couch against this step so we block it in.
Go slowly.
Go slowly.
We want to keep him underneath it.
Oh, my god.
What? What? What? There's the remote.
All right, now, let's use these pillows to block the front of the couch and that end of it so that it can't escape.
Gary, I need you to hold the hamper over on this end.
And I'll fto slide under the coh and scoot it toward the hamper.
Chuck, why don't you use this chuck: Kelly, I've got this.
Thank you.
Chuck, why don't you use the fireplace poker? Great idea, montana.
Thank you.
Now you see, kelly, you don't have to do everything.
Ryan, here, use that to scoot him toward gary.
I'll hold this end.
I don't see why i'm the one that always has to get so close to it.
it's hissing! I'm out! Oh, for pete's sake.
Permission to replace ryan on the floor? Granted.
Feels good letting go, doesn't it? Yeah, I'm walking on sunshine.
it's not moving.
Lure it out with some food.
What kind of food? I don't know, anything.
It's a scavenger.
It eats out of trash cans.
Ooh, how about one of those cupcakes? I made those for the party.
Kind of dry.
What are you doing? Trying my best to swallow.
Getting a little bit of a panicky feeling.
Gary, go ahead and put one of these cupcakes in the hamper.
- Alt.
- See if that will do the trick.
what's happening? It's not moving.
Does it see the cupcake? It's looking right at it.
Now it's backing away.
Oh, so it'll eat garbage, but it won't eat my cupcakes? I'm sorry.
I just found it really chalky.
The raccoon! Marsh, how are you doing there, guy? Good as new.
Right as rain.
Gracie still hiding under the couch? Let's try that ice pack on the other side.
There you go.
All right, kelly, one more time.
This time put a little elbow grease into it.
Oh, god, now kitty's calling.
What if the cab company picks up when I click over? Hey, kitty? Hang on.
I'm on hold with the cab company.
Hello? Damn it! Kitty? Damn it! Screw this! I'm making a run for it! Gary, you're leaving your post! okay, nobody panic.
We're no worse off than we were a minute ago.
The couch is on fire! Flip it overws **** your water on it.
No, I need it.
**** that pillow.
those are from france! mission accomplished.
Was it your mission to ruin my house and fry a raccoon? He's okay.
The rain put him out.
He's playing with that possum.
Well, that changes nothing.
If I hadn't listened to you, that poor animal wouldn't have caught on fire in the first place.
And my couch wouldn't be ruined, your nose wouldn't be dented, marsh wouldn't need a cat scan and gary wouldn't be lurching down route 19.
This is why i don't want help from anybody.
This is why I like to do everything myself because I am better at everything than everybody else! Mom? Uh, this is jenna's dad.
He's divorced, too.
Actually, we're working things out.
Mm, boy, that was a big raccoon.
You can say that again.
ginormous.
it's the kind of raccoon that could scare a dog.
Big raccoon.
Big raccoon! Okay, you're hearing this, right? Starting monday, we practice our banter.
Practice our banter.
Okay, I'm gonna kill the next person that says that.