Backstage with Katherine Ryan (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

Clips, Canapes & Carnage

1 Welcome to Backstage with Katherine Ryan.
Last episode, I got COVID and shut the show down.
Katherine won't go on at all.
Whoops! But for the season finale, I've swapped the Roundhouse for something a little more intimate.
I've invited a few special friends from the series over.
And he looks like this.
I want some of that white man privilege.
Do you know what? I'm thrilled.
We could have at least fucked each other.
And of course I've snuck some cameras around.
Can you turn my mic off, 'cause I'm gonna piss like a horse.
To squeeze out all the gossip.
I think that big batty was the end for him.
Really? We're going to watch some great moments from the series.
Come on in.
And some juicy bits that didn't quite make the final cut.
You got a baby face and a daddy dick, I can hear that.
I know.
Fun fact, that's who I got COVID from, and herpes.
Let's get on with the show.
Got married in Vegas and you don't think it's legal? - Famously, it is legal.
- But we were really pissed.
This is Backstage with Katherine Ryan.
Thanks, man.
Where's the bell? Who doesn't have a bell? I don't think they're in.
We'll leave it.
Shall we leave it? - Yes! Hello! - Oh.
You kept me waiting a second.
That's literally the least I thought I could do.
Thank you so much.
You look great.
- How are you? - I'm really well, thank you.
- 'Course I look great.
- Come on in.
This is a beautiful house you have.
Thank you.
I'm having work done.
I'm constantly having work done.
Yes, same as you.
What are we doing? Why am I here? Well, my favorite friends from the series are coming over to watch some clips.
So this is the extra edition of the show that we've done because you fucked up the series by getting COVID.
How did I fuck up the series by getting COVID? I'll tell you.
You got COVID.
- I didn't ask for COVID.
- But then you were at the Roundhouse.
You were going to do a gig.
And then gone, that whole day gone.
Other people's livelihoods Could have lied about your test, but you didn't.
You're a bad person.
I was lucky to get it, really, because it really melted off the last stone of baby weight.
Did it? - So we're doing this instead of.
- Yeah.
Who else is coming today? Who else have we got? Um, I've invited Judi Love.
I thought you said you invited your favorites.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Go on.
So Judi's coming? - Yeah.
- Nish Kumar.
- Fabulous.
Sue Perkins.
- Lovely.
- And you.
This is the dream team.
Come to the kitchen, let's make drinks.
- Gin and lemon? - Yeah.
Why not? Because you're not 58.
I don't want to have tonic all the time.
Thanks, Said, babe.
See you later.
- Here we go.
- Wow.
Nailed it.
God, you think you'd have a doorbell for this house, wouldn't you? Hang on.
Hello, it's me.
- Welcome.
- Oh, thank you for having me over.
- You look gorgeous, queen.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Jimmy Carr.
- Who is it? - Jimmy! - Judi Love! Oh, I had no idea it was you, because you weren't so fucking loud at the door.
Oh, my God, I saw the food.
I'm putting gifts on the table.
I didn't know we was doing gifts.
Well, look, you know what, I brought - Pepper sauce! - Oh! Yeah, 'cause I know we might need some of that, for you, anyway.
I know she's hot sauce already.
You might need a little seasoning up.
Do you know how to mix drinks, Judi? 'Cause I made kind of a gin and lemon.
- You know what, I'm not that bad, yeah? - Yeah? I mean, I used to work in a bar, girl.
Yeah, so I think I've got this.
You look so good by the way, Judi.
Are you still single? No, mama's out there.
Mama's - Are you dating many men or - Mama's dating.
You're looking at me like your social - I would love to see this man or men - Men.
Yeah, I'm looking at you thinking that could be a two-man job.
It's been a while.
- You know what it's like.
- I don't know what it's like.
I think you shouldn't have a man on his first try, Judi.
That would be my advice to you.
Wait till a man is divorced, 'cause then he's been humbled.
I feel like sending my husband's ex-wife a floral arrangement at least once a year to be like, "Thank you.
" Oh! Oh, I love that.
Where's the tequila? It was a lemon thing.
Sicilian lemonade.
- Ooh, yeah.
- I must tell you a story, Katherine.
The last time Judi and I worked together, we did The Big Fat Quiz of the Year.
- Judi is on Jonathan Ross's team.
- Yeah.
You're so great to have on the panel.
You're crying with laughter at some joke.
Jonathan goes, "Stop the record.
We need to bring makeup in "because one of her eyelashes has come off on the face," and Jonathan made a big thing about saying, "Hey, listen, I'm a feminist and my wife would appreciate it "If this were to happen to her, she would want someone to point out.
" I want to say we brought in makeup.
Makeup came in, looked at Judi's face.
I'll show you what makeup did.
They came in, they went, "That's Judi's face.
" Judi has three moles there, and Jonathan thought that was a make-up error.
- Babes.
- It was pretty good.
- It was the funniest thing.
- I love that.
They're like, "No, bitch, it's your face.
" There's nothing we can do about that.
That's her face.
But bless him, he didn't mean it in a bad way.
Well, do you know what? Jonathan has some of the wokest 20-something year old children, and that's what you and I have to watch out for.
Violet's 12.
It's like having Greta Thunberg in the house.
We used to be vegetarians, and now I have a husband.
She caught us in the kitchen eating chorizo, not a euphemism.
She said, "Mummy, how could you do this? You're a murderer.
" And I had to explain to her dick is a gateway meat.
I eat chicken now.
She would have been less offended if I was sucking him off.
Hi, Sue.
Why did you hide on the other side of the door? I don't know what I was doing then.
My knock was super-weird.
- This is so fancy-schmancy.
- Hey, hey! Sue Perkins, everyone! - Hey! - Hey! Babe.
Ooh! I've never seen American Psycho, but I imagine this is exactly where he lives.
And he looks like this.
- Are we sitting? - What is this? Come on, we've got drinks.
So I brought a gift, which is not as glamorous as the hamper.
But I thought you might like it.
This is some gherkins.
How did you know I love gherkins? I've made that for you, honey.
What is this one called? It's got a name to it, but I actually can't remember it.
No, I think I won't be remembering anything once I'm drunk.
It's nice, isn't it? How's it? It's like a Picante de la Casa.
- Is that what it's called, Picante? - I think so.
- Cheers.
- It's spicy and like a margarita.
Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Sue, do you love gherkins? I love a bit of gherkins.
It seems a strange choice, especially when the liquid is so hazy.
Ooh, that doesn't look good.
Gherkins are weird in this country.
It's not right.
That sauce smells wrong, it's cheesy.
- No, no, no.
- Oh, my God.
What's the worst thing you've ever eaten, Sue? It's a cross up between sow's tits and a fallopian tube.
- Well, that is - It's a real conversation stopper.
Those have got to be euphemisms and I appreciate your lifestyle choices, but don't eat the fallopian tubes.
How the hell does that happen? I did a show where we had to eat stuff from the past and get drunk, and the Romans used to like to eat pigs' fallopian tubes and sow's udders.
Babes, all I'm saying is, I hope that was a good check.
Oh, hang on.
That's Nish.
He used the secret knock.
Let him in.
- Nish! - Kitty, how are you? Welcome.
I'm well, thank you.
Come in.
Come in.
- What is this? - I've got you a bottle of wine.
And I've also got you something from Rosie Jones.
Oh, no, I don't think I want it.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hi! How are you man? Pretty good.
Nish Kumar.
Nish Kumar.
- What is this? - Now, this is from Rosie Jones.
She asked me to bring this here tonight.
Do you feel like, being brown, you should really deliver packages for people when they don't tell you what's in it? - Oh, shit.
- Don't they say at the airport, "Did you pack your bags yourself?" You've come here with a mysterious package from a known criminal mastermind.
If there was one person who would try and get me done for being a drug mule, it would be Rosie Jones, 100%.
I don't know how she's managed to get heroin this thin, but shall I unveil it? Oh, my God! It's to scale as well.
- It's exactly to scale.
- I can hear her.
The concerning thing about this is I feel she had a few of these lying around.
This was not something she had to commission.
- What's that? - What's she holding? Yeah, there's a USB thing that says "play me" on the end of it.
I'm nervous.
I don't know what we might see.
It's the beginning of the worst thriller made this year.
I'm a little concerned as to what is on this.
I have to know what's on that USB, but would you like a drink? I just so appreciate you being here.
Nice to see each other.
I'll take Rosie.
Don't forget the caviar.
Caviar that's been sitting out for half an hour? Delicious.
I'll put Rosie back here.
I quite like the idea of Rosie just hovering above us.
Would you like to watch some unseen clips from the show? - Oh, God! - 100%.
My life really changed, genuinely, over the last couple years or so.
I met my wife, I proposed to my wife in my one-bed flat in Peckham.
And then I put out 150 candles in the flat, I wore a velvet tuxedo, and Ooh! You're a very easily-pleased audience.
I put 150 candles, put on velvet tuxedo, put on some classical music, and I realized very quickly how hot you get in a velvet tuxedo, in a one-bed flat with 150 candles lit.
He's unnecessarily handsome.
I don't think people are listening to what he's saying.
I was sweating so much.
Also, I had a candelabra because I wanted more candles in my hand.
I'm sweating and then the classical music started to bum me out, man.
That shit is depressing.
So I changed it to a soundtrack classical playlist, much more upbeat, right? She was about to get home, and she comes in through the door.
And it was only when she opened the door that I realized that I look like someone that welcomes you to like a haunted house attraction.
Come on in.
As soon as she walks in the door, the heat just fucking hits her.
"It's so hot in here, Joel!" She goes straight past me and immediately starts opening all of the windows.
Doesn't notice that I'm behind her on one knee, just sat there.
I realized at that moment, there's an amount of candles that is romantic and I'd surpassed that.
'Cause there's an amount, it goes like romantic, romantic Séance.
I passed into séance.
Anyone who's done it knows that it's such a mad moment where I was looking up at Hannah and I said the words, like, "Hannah Cooper, will you marry me?" And that was the moment that the Jurassic Park theme tune comes on.
Do you feel abandoned, Nish, because Joel has got married? Do you feel like getting married is important to you? Yeah, I think I definitely would.
But the idea of organizing a wedding makes me so stressed.
- I would never.
- I'd like to bosh it out in Vegas.
I got married in Vegas when it wasn't legal, I don't think, I don't know, I didn't check, when I was 18.
Me and my boyfriend went and we were in the Chapel of Love.
You might be a married woman, and you don't know.
You said, "I'm not sure if it was legal.
" - You hadn't checked.
- We did sign something.
You signed something? No one signs anything for fun.
- No.
- No, it wasn't official.
We got a sticker saying Chapel of Love and Elvis was there.
- I think you're married.
- I might be married.
You got married in Vegas and you don't think it's legal.
- Famously, it is legal.
- But we were really pissed.
Am I married? Who are you married to? Where is this guy now? - He's in France.
- Is he married to someone else now? - Yes.
- Your bigamous boyfriend.
- Who's going to jail? - Yeah.
This is extraordinary news.
"We got married in Vegas.
" Just thrown away as like a little tidbit in conversation.
- No.
- You married a man in Vegas.
- You are a married woman.
- You did.
Do you know what? I'm thrilled.
What if he finds out and takes half your money? - I don't care.
He can have it.
- Are you crazy, girl? He's a lovely boy.
I don't give a shit how nice is he.
I'll have your money.
I'm a lovely girl.
Let me have half of the money.
- I'm really worried about you.
- My throat is really tightening.
My throat is actually really dry and very tight now.
Let's watch the next clip.
I don't know what else we're going to find out in this episode.
It turns out I'm white.
My hair, Afro, this is natural hair.
- Oh, shit! - Beautiful! Who's that beautiful superstar? But I've gotta tell you something.
This takes a lot of maintenance.
You understand what I'm saying? I remember one time when I was young, I used to watch my bredrin play out because I had one of them old-school Jamaican mums where I'd be like "Mum, Mum, look at Lindsay playing out.
"Can I play out with Lindsay?" She said, "Yes.
Play out with your damn imagination.
" I love that.
That's so good.
Then my bredrin knocked, when I was a bit older, she knocked me, said, "Jus, do you wanna come out?" I said, "You know what, Lindsay? I can't come out, I'm washing my hair.
" For most Black women, Sunday is the day we wash our hair.
Am I lying? No, I'm not.
I don't know what it is.
It's like, we go to church, then we wash our hair.
I had to say to Lindsay, "Babes, no, I'm busy, I'm washing my hair.
" Lindsay decide to come back two hours later, I'm like, "Lindsay, I'm Black, babes, this is a Afro.
"I need to tell you what I gotta do.
"I gotta make sure there's enough hot water in the tank.
"Gotta make sure there's an extra fuse for the blow dryer, "after I've shampooed it six times to get the grease out, "which, more times, grease is not out, and I've gotta shampoo it another time.
"Then I've gotta condition it, comb through the conditioner, "then I've gotta put it into four plaits, "sit down and wait for the conditioner to penetrate through the Afro.
"Then go back into the bathroom, "wash it out, comb it out, twist it, sit down, wait for it to dry, "blow dry it, grease the scalp, blow dry again.
"Then I need to plait it again, take it out, blow dry it, grease it.
"Bitch, you better come back on fucking Wednesday, okay?" It's educational.
Would you ever just cut short and then just go for extensions? When I was in my 20s, I shaved off my whole head.
Yeah, is that why a lot of people do it? No one has that kind of time.
I think I shaved off 'cause I felt like a rebirth.
It's like cultural identity.
There's been a lot of discrimination.
Unfortunately, within the Black community, there's a thing of good and bad hair.
- There's so much - What's bad hair? People say bad hair is hair that is more coarse, more thick.
And now there's such a movement in owning whatever texture your Afro hair is, 'cause it's all beautiful.
It's an interesting routine because, although that routine is 10 times funnier if you recognize that and you used to do it on a Sunday.
But for me as a middle class white boy, I find it funny and it's inclusive.
I often think, the more specific it is, the more universal it is.
Is it cool if I pee in the pool? - When was the last time you ate a carb? - Carbs are for the younger me.
- You are remarkably trim.
- I weight-lift.
I got mad guns.
Wanna see some mad guns? - Weight lifting is good.
- Mad guns.
- They're strong.
- Yeah.
- That's very nice.
- Cool.
Check it out.
I've got guns.
It's a concealed weapon.
I do no hours of weight lifting a week.
- Is that a bit wrong? - I'm like an old dad.
I listened to this interview with Seinfeld where he goes, he was an older dad, going, "I had kids and I knew after six months, I have to start training.
" - How old are you? - I'm 49.
What do you mean, "Okay?" What you're meant to do is step back and go, "What? You look amazing.
" Motherfucker, you know the rules.
- Are you sure you're 49? - Correct answer.
She's been in the game two minutes, she fuckin' gets it, Nish.
Get with the program.
Oh, my God! You count as old dad? We're geriatric parents is what we are.
Yeah, sure.
Anything over 35 is geriatric parents.
They don't mind using the fucking term, by the way.
I'm gonna plug this bad boy into the computer.
Where's the old USB on this bad boy? Oh! Ooh! - Thanks, Nish.
- No problem, everyone.
Sit your beautiful butt down.
All right.
I think we should see what Rosie's got on the USB.
I'm scared and excited all in one.
I'm so sorry I can't come around.
- This is really freaking me out now.
- But unfortunately, I am too busy to hang out with riffraff like you.
So I've got a few little questions that I would ask you to your face - Oh, God.
- if I were there.
Answer them, honestly, because if you don't, I will hunt you down.
I'd take my chances, I reckon.
"I'll hunt you down.
" I think, "Mmm.
" If I could get to water, I'd be okay.
She won't get the scent of me there.
- Nish Kumar.
- Oh, my God! We are really good friends.
And I would never ever want to put you in an awkward situation, but who is your least favorite person in the room? You better pick Rosie's cutout.
Least favorite.
I don't think that I can answer this.
- I like all of you and I genuinely - Oh, Nish.
- I do.
- Fuck off.
- Is it yourself, Nish? - Yeah, it is definitely myself.
It definitely is.
Although, I've maintained this, I am 10 tweets away from being a conservative MP.
- You're what now? - I can't take it.
There's such a fetish right now for minorities in the Conservative Party that I genuinely think if I renounced everything I had said publicly before - They'd flip.
- I'd flip hard.
- Jimmy Carr.
- Here we go, yeah.
How do I get as rich as you? It's a great question.
We gonna talk about your tax arrangements, James? I don't know if she's aware, but in 2012, I took a 50% pay cut.
- What? - I started paying tax.
Gig relentlessly.
That's it.
That's my secret.
I always think it's crazy, comics book tours in.
They gig for three months and stop.
"I've been on tour", you go, "What? No, that's the job.
Go out every night and play a gig.
" Judi Love.
Who would you love to fuck in comedy? I love asking people this.
I love when people have fucked each other in comedy.
I love knowing who would fuck who in comedy.
Judi, who would you fuck in comedy? It would have to be someone that I find intrigued me mentally and - So that's no one in comedy.
- That's what I'm saying.
You don't have to say who, but have you had any dalliance with people in comedy? - No, I haven't.
- None? You don't piss on your own patch.
- No.
I don't mind in the industry.
- Some people are into that.
I found out that when I started, everybody was fucking each other, - except for me.
- Really? It was genuinely like me and Ed Gamble and Daniel Simonsen, two of my closest friends, when we were doing open mics.
Daniel Simonsen was not fucking people? - No! He and I would - I would've fucked him easily.
- Oh, my God.
- He's very handsome.
But we would often leave gigs and go and sit and have a quiet pint.
Years later, I find out everyone we were on the gigs with were fucking.
Always Edinburgh.
A Petri dish.
- You two could have been fucking.
- We could have at least fucked each other.
All right.
Let's get to Rosie's next question.
This will be also about shagging.
- Sue Perkins.
- Oh, Christ.
This is gonna be groinal.
One question.
Will you marry me? Aww! That was surprisingly emotional.
I was looking for some kind of sexual abuse - Did she slide in your DMs? - She slid everywhere.
There's so much of her DNA over my digital footprints.
It's very toxic.
I can't promise her that.
I can promise her a good six years.
And then the magic will go.
Wait a second.
A good six years? I thought lesbians mated for life.
No, I think you're thinking of seahorses.
I was, yeah.
I don't know that Rosie's cut out for marriage.
I think she's too mercurial.
She'd get bored because she's young.
And also so randy.
- She needs to play.
- Very horny.
What a liability that would be to be married to someone that horny? - It's tiring.
- She's literally her own vibrator.
- It's true.
- I can't take you.
The shit he comes up with.
I want some of that white man privilege.
He can say any God damn thing! Have some.
I've got so much, I don't even know where to put it.
Give me a suitcase of that shit.
- Should we go get a drink? - Yes, please.
- Shit.
- What's the popcorn like? - And has it been fingered? - Heavily fingered popcorn.
- I genuinely think I might be married.
- Babe, I'm actually concerned.
I'm always Yeah.
It probably is worth a chat.
We were in love, in our own teenage way.
I always think, whenever you meet any comic, if you haven't met them before, ask them which one of their parents was sick.
I think a lot of comics that I know have a sick parent and they had to make things okay in the house.
It's not universal, but with my mum it was depression.
- For most people - You used to entertain her.
Yeah, the atmosphere was so dark sometimes and you would make it a bit lighter somehow.
- My dad had depression.
- You serious? Depression and then cancer for years.
It was like, cheer everyone up! Go in, change the mood, change the vibe.
Change everything.
It's going to be okay.
Didn't want to upset them or worry them 'cause it might make them more sick.
- Try and get them out of bed all the time.
- My mom was 75 when she passed away.
My dad, he passed away this year.
- He was 92.
- That's tough, man.
It's a good innings, but it doesn't make it any less tough.
It doesn't make it less tough, but I think with my dad, I do feel like, boy, Daddy lived life.
He had only women carry his casket.
Yeah, he lived life.
- Make them do the work.
- He lived life.
So what did he die of in the end? Was it the Me Too movement? - He went, "I'm out.
This isn't for me.
" - He was canceled, quite literally.
I think that big batty was the end for him.
That last piece of Shelly-Ann was too much.
No, it's true.
Trust me.
If you saw Shelly-Ann's batty, you'd be like, "Oh, my God.
" - Shelly-Ann? - Shelly-Ann.
When I saw, 'cause I had to fly dad to Jamaica Cause of death, Shelly-Ann's batty.
When I saw Shelly-Ann, I was like, "Daddy, you took the piss.
" There was an eclipse when Shelly-Ann got that batty.
Of course, you're going to meet Jesus after this.
You got a sick parent.
Sick parent.
Sick parent.
- No sick parents.
- All good? Maybe if you had, you'd be funnier, man.
Oh, my God.
This guy! Bring the champagne and the chicken.
What the hell is that? I want Chinese.
You want Chinese? I don't racially profile foods.
Should we look at some of the best clips from backstage? Oh, gosh, where my hair was not combed? So we're watching Backstage, backstage.
It's very meta.
- Let's go really quickly.
- We can't.
Yeah, we can.
Nish is so uncomfortable.
- Oh, no.
How did you know? - Also, so oblivious.
So oblivious.
Well, I guess I'm presenting the show now.
The effect you have on women, Nish, is remarkable.
It's incredible.
Not even pregnant.
I could bring out the maternal instinct in anyone.
I'm leaking.
How did you know? - Look how huge my boobs were.
- Look how big your breasts were! - Motherfucker.
- What happened? - This is the lactate saver.
- There's milk all over my fucking shirt.
- Imagine you jizzed yourself.
- I hope this stays in the show.
Joel has lactated on TV with me before.
Can you still do it? But look, Joel saves the day.
And it sprayed.
It squirted.
- That's pus, that's not milk.
- It is.
He lactates.
- That is so cool.
- I'll press it again with the t-shirt The worst thing about that is, every time I see it, I'm like, "Why is this the third time I've seen this?" I've seen him do that so much.
I love that fact that I just ate all the way through it.
Nothing stopped me.
That was gross.
I never let my disability stand in my way.
And growing up, my mum and dad were great.
And they said to me, "Rosie, you be whoever you want to be.
"Apart from a hairdresser.
"Or a waitress.
"Or "a train announcer.
" "The train "coming in "to platform "four "is the 14-20 "to "to "It's already gone.
" In my childhood, you never saw people with cerebral palsy on TV.
It didn't exist.
That's what's so great about Rosie doing so much, is you never had to tune in and now people are learning, "Just tune in.
" I had the same thing with Ant and Dec when they first came on.
- It's the Northern - Like, "What did they talk about now?" I met her when she was a runner on one of Harry Hill's shows.
- Worst runner in telly.
- Why was she the worst? Why was she the worst? Because of the cerebral palsy.
You didn't see the clip? And I'll miss her when she gets canceled for all the sexually aggressive stuff that she says.
- Shall we see the next clip? - Yeah.
Sometimes you're watching something you shouldn't.
- Listen, we're all human.
- Citizen Kane, here he is.
Whatever it takes to get to sleep, right? I'm not proud of watching dodgy erotic material online, but it's like an erotic Horlicks.
And sometimes, you know, as cleanly as I can put it, when your partner walks in and I have to slam the laptop.
There's a brand of laptop named after a fruit.
Can you work out which one it is? And you slam it.
Do you know what happens if the power lead comes out? The video file comes back on.
That happened to me.
Lindsey is like, "What are you still doing up?" "I'm just doing some admin.
" Power lead fell out.
"Oh, my God, yeah! Fuck me.
" "Shut up!" "Fuck me, you dirty bastard! "Fuck me, yeah!" "Shut the fuck up.
" I had to improvise.
God, did you hear those foxes? Bloody hell.
It sounded like someone being double-penetrated in California, didn't it? I couldn't bend like that.
Not without doing something devastating to my taint.
You ever done a lunge, guys? Have you ever? I do.
I have moved a lot.
I've done, like, dancing on people.
Jamaicans are very expressive, so I could be telling you if you go down and take a left, that's where the bus stop is.
But I'll be like, "Down the road, the bus stop is by the left.
" It's so extra.
I'm actually the same when I give directions.
- Even my earrings have dropped out.
- I do it in exactly the same cadence.
It's strange.
Go on.
Ask me where I live.
- Where do you live? - I'll get myself canceled.
Well, Sue, we're about to show your clip.
I've never watched myself on television, ever.
Go to the kitchen, girl I need to wee.
Turn my mic off, 'cause I'm gonna piss like a horse.
The problem with doing stuff for charities is, they always wanna give you a present.
I don't want a present from an animal charity because it's always the same present.
It's a calendar of all the damaged, distressed, fucked up animals they've rescued that year.
It is the most depressing present.
You take it home, you flip through.
January, a cat with AIDS.
That's just the beginning of the journey.
You flick it over.
Oh, good.
February, a rabbit with mange.
March, over-bred cockatoo with tits like space hoppers.
On and on.
The only reason I like that calendar is if you have something bad happen, if you have a smear test or something that's not nice, and you have to put in on the calendar, just in the moment of putting pen to paper you can look up and think, "Your smear test is shit, "but at least I'm not a guinea pig with ME.
" - We just watched your stand up and - No words? - It was great.
- It was wonderful.
I'm trying to work out why you stopped.
- Because other stuff came along.
- Yeah, right.
That was more fun? I get TV's fun, but it's not like standup.
But standing on your own is scary.
What's crazy isn't the leaving it for 14 years, because I understand that you were busy, but it's the being able to come back and to come back so well.
Yeah, it felt quite high stakes.
It felt like you'd invited me, so it felt nice and warm and sweet.
And I didn't have to do it again if it went badly.
- Let's watch the next clip.
- Okay.
There's a comic in Canada.
Did you have a gig with him? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
What did he do? We started at the same time together, and I don't know how it came up, but we were talking about fetishes and being tricked into fetishes.
There we go.
Usually it's women who are being lured and tricked into these things.
He had male standups, where he was like, "Oh, I'm working with this big production company.
"I want you to do an audition to show that you're comfortable doing awkward things.
"So, position your laptop to film your feet "and click your toes and do weird things with your toes.
" And all these male comics did it.
Again and again, he'd be like, "I lost the footage, I need you to do it again.
" They'd be like, "All right.
" Get their feet out again and again.
It took months for any of the comics to be like, "Hang on, what came of this audition?" It was some sex thing like some There's a whole WhatsApp, Facebook group - talking about it.
- That is amazing.
He was just doing this to comics.
I'm sorry, you're saying there's work in this? Is there work? Is it a film role? Slower, slower.
No, is it a film role? What are we getting? - What size are your feet? - Oh, man, you have to see my dick.
This is going straight on wikiFeet.
Jimmy! That's gonna be completely up someone's alley.
If you need to knock one out over that, you fucking go with God.
His feet are quite nice.
I've awoken something deep within you, haven't I? The devastating thing for Jimmy is, he'll realize there's no money in it.
Don't you fucking dare say that.
Don't you fucking dare say that.
Nish, you take that back! Are you good at taking pictures, Jimmy? Yeah, pretty good.
It's not getting any better.
What do you mean? I think you know what I mean.
Have a look.
See what you think.
Maybe a little smile.
Now do a pretty face.
Oh, that's the door.
- What you mean? - No, no.
But do a pretty one.
Excuse me in your selfies.
That was you.
Oh! Give me the goddamned phone.
- Geoff! Hi! Come on in.
- Yeah.
Here, Jimmy's here.
You know Judi Love.
- That's glamorous.
- Okay? Look who's in the neighborhood.
- Hey! - Geoff Norcott! How's it going, you all right? Have you come as the roguish bad guy from EastEnders? - Yeah.
- 'Cause that's the vibe you're bringing.
Yeah, one of those guys that finished sleep with a woman, just combs his hair, looking at himself in the mirror.
Nish, I'm so sorry.
I thought your knees will last better on that than mine.
I'll bring one more round.
I couldn't believe, Geoff, some of the roast jokes that you said on the show.
- Me? I said them? - I can't believe some of the stuff.
No, Geoff was writing for me was It was like you had your eyes set on getting me cancelled.
Look, I was told to push the envelope.
Turns out there was a couple of Rosie Jones ones.
I think there was one we said that it's like fucking a NutriBullet.
- Rosie would love that, so it's fine.
- What was my intro gag? I'm trying to remember, it was something Yours were like "Jimmy is like Mark Zuckerberg if you taught him rape jokes.
" Or like, "Jimmy works as hard as an immigrant "and has the personal wealth of the country that immigrant had to flee.
" - Oh, shoot! - Yeah.
- No, but you got any jokes? - Oh, my God.
Have you got anything that isn't just a fact? Jimmy strikes me as the kind of guy who would request to go at the back of the human centipede.
That's the best place to be, isn't it? We had to film a V in a pie and mash shop for Bake Off, and there was this real kerfuffle upstairs.
It was one of the most godawful places I've ever been.
A woman with a clipboard comes down and she goes, "Jesus, God, we're just tidying up in there.
"It's a terrible gaff.
" I said, "What you filming?" She went, "Human Centipede 2.
" We wanted somewhere awful, but it turns out, this is way worse than we needed.
I know you told that story and we're meant to take it at face value.
What I'm hearing is, you're in the Human Centipede 2.
They're upstairs, getting it ready.
Can I just say, I'm in front of Mary Berry.
Shall we grab our drinks and go watch some more clips? Oh, that was so good.
I'm gonna circumcise mine.
- Are you? - Yeah.
I was circumcised at 19.
What? Yeah, 'cause I had too much skin and I lost my virginity, I was like, "Why does it hurt?" "Maybe because it was the first time.
" I went to the doctor, and the doctor was like, "You've got phimosis," or whatever.
And I had to get it circumcised.
Did you keep it? No.
I didn't.
I wonder what they do with all that skin.
Maybe cat skin graft or something.
I don't know.
You're looking at it, Darren.
You're looking at it.
How much cock skin is there in a circumcision? Why was he saying, "All that skin"? Yeah, why would you want a load of cock skin? I had mine off, it was like a toenail clipping.
It looks so much better.
So much more aerodynamic.
Prove it.
We need our own Me Too movement.
Prove it, Darren.
Prove it.
I love that he wants his knob to be aerodynamic.
Does he know this is going to be aired? That's a good question.
That's the kind of stuff that you share when there's too many women in the room.
That's the stuff you share when you don't realize you're being filmed.
I think it's important to share.
I need more circumcision stories.
Where I come from, all the men are circumcised.
Here, it's not really the done thing.
When you have a son, you don't know what to do.
You're right.
I dated a lot of guys when I was younger who were circumcised.
So when I first dated someone who wasn't, I literally, physically was like, "What the hell is that?" How did it progress after that? I don't know.
I sent his arse home in a cab.
I mean Can I just ask a question about how much skin? Because you were saying, Geoff, there's only a tiny bit.
Well, for me, there was.
- You could make a human face.
- Sounds like he had a lot.
Sounds like he's got a lot of dick.
- Let's have one last clip.
- Yeah.
Here she is.
You're a very handsome young man.
Look at you.
Guess it was no bra day, was it? And you have a pint and that's how I know It's only right.
If you come out without a pint, you ain't living life right.
You know what I mean? Simple as that, Katherine.
This is the most confident man I've ever met in my life.
No one expected him to have that voice.
Listen, the baby face, it tells a million stories.
You got a baby face and a daddy dick.
I can hear that.
- Aye, aye.
Blimey, girl.
- I know.
I know.
I know.
I know, I've had plastering done before.
I hire builders.
- He was so cute.
- It was even better on the night.
Honestly, you can't beat a proper Cockney accent.
Do you chat to the audience or do you pick out people? I love that thing of the interaction, that's my favorite bit of the gig, because it's like you go You got the material, so you've written 80% of the night is like this lock, and you go, "What's gonna be the bit that's exciting to do?" And it's almost like you're asking a magician to do real magic.
But the beauty is, audiences think that our entire hours are ad-libbed.
Yeah, yeah.
They don't know there are jokes and there's ad-libbing.
They'd be like, "Wow, she had a lot to say tonight.
" They have no idea.
Let's play a party game before we go.
- Let's do it.
- Anything? Seven minutes in heaven, truth or dare? Nothing we can get pregnant on.
Sue, truth or dare? Truth.
Would you rather drink Joel Dommett's milk or sow's milk again? Am I drinking it from the source? - Yes.
- Oh, Dommett.
I could hang off those sweet titties.
Sweet titty? Now, don't give me no Joel Dommett's sweet titties.
I mean, if I wasn't a married woman, I would be hanging off He's like a sexual Swiss army knife, isn't he? He could breast feed your kid, you know what I mean? He's got a smooth arse.
- How do you know he's got a smooth ass? - You know he has.
Truth or dare? - Truth? - Yes, always! What will you be canceled for? What will I be canceled for? Because do you feel like you've out-woked yourself? Yeah, maybe I've gone so woke that I'm now anti-woke.
The bar is so high for you.
Like for me, I could crash an oil tanker and people would go, "Typical Jimmy Carr.
" For you, it's like if you fill up at a petrol station, I think people will go, "What? This monster did what?" Geoff.
Truth or dare? I'll go dare.
Geoff, would you jump in the pool? Is people still drinking, because if I would say yeah, if we kick it on a bit - We'll come cheer you on.
- Yeah.
I feel like this is Katherine Ryan's Barrymore moment.
Truth or dare? - Into a slight recovery position.
- Come on.
We have to use the pool.
- We have to use it.
- Yeah.
If everyone's up for a bit of a mad one, I'm fucking game.
I'll do it.
Oi, oi! Oh, yeah.
- I'm going in.
- Come on.
Give him something for the stomach.
- Have a livener.
- Yeah.
He's going large.
Geoff Norcott, we're doing this.
Come on, Geoff.
It's heated.
We're gonna watch you by the window.
Straight in, Geoff.
In you go, brother.
That's it, brother.
- Here we go.
- Give us five, yeah? It's actually pretty I'm gonna do it though.
- Is it cold? - Come on, Geoff! - It's warm when you get in.
- Summer time! Jump! Jump! Mental.
Celebrity party innit? - Let's bounce.
Pub? - I feel like he over-committed.
- Take care.
- Come with us.
- Yeah.
- He'll be fine.
Are you sure? Where's everybody going? - Come on.
- I'll catch up with you guys.
Yay! Yeah, you be the first into the fuckin' cold.
That was the best thing I've seen all night.
Mate? What the fuck, man? - Who does that? - Oh, Geoff.

Previous Episode