Badults (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Always foolin' around when we were young Time flies so fast when you're having fun Don't wanna get old Never want to grow uh-uh-uh-up Ah It's finished! Finally, I've completed the play that's going to make me millions.
Picture the scene - there's an asteroid and it's heading for Earth.
It's down to an oddball gang of oil rig workers to fly into space and drill it to bits! That's not your idea.
That's Armageddon.
Is it? You even called it Armageddon! Oh! This often happens by accident.
Your subconscious must have remembered the film as you were writing it.
Plus, I was watching Armageddon at the time.
Don't worry, I'll write up my other original idea.
Maximus Decimus Aurelius is father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and he That's Gladiator.
No, no, no, let me finish, um, and he works in Pizza Hut.
Look, all you have to do is write about your own life.
Draw from your personal experience.
There's a writer's rule that says, "write what you know".
Right! Yeah, what you know.
"Write what you know.
" I tried that once.
And we were all very proud of you, Ben.
OK.
Off to work.
Matthew! Matthew! What is it? Could you pass the remote control please? No, I'm not your slave.
Get it yourself.
And tidy up this mess while you're at it.
I can't.
I've signed on.
I'm on the dole now.
If I want to keep claiming benefits, I can't do any work.
I don't think that includes housework.
I can't take that risk.
Not as long as I keep getting these sweet, sweet hand-outs.
Why are you in such a rush to get to work, anyway? Aren't you getting bullied by that girl you love? I am not being bullied.
Unbelievable.
It's true, Matthew.
I AM the Secret Millionaire and I'm giving you £100,000 so you can quit your job.
Hey, Mr Carabine, you can stick your job up your dick! You're not really the Secret Millionaire, are you? Oh, no.
But I have got a brilliant plan of my own.
When I get into work early today, Lucy's going to see that the tables have turned.
Are you going to turn her table around? Incredible, right? She won't suspect a thing.
Hang on.
This isn't a payment.
Apparently, you can only get Jobseeker's Allowance if you're seeking a job! Weird.
OK, Tom.
Time to write what you know.
They've stopped my benefits until I start going to job interviews.
This is good, Ben, you need proper employment.
No more lazing around the house, expecting other people to do stuff for you.
Who knows, you might even find your dream job.
Being on the dole is my dream job.
I get to sit around doing nothing, and then once a week I get paid for writing my name on a piece of paper.
And I know my name.
I guess that's why they call them BEN-EFITS.
Ah! I've completed the first scene of my new play.
It's set in an untidy living room.
Matthew, you read the role of Matthew.
And Ben, you are Ben.
My name is Ben.
I'll read the role of Tom.
OK, off you go.
"Ben, you need to look for a job.
" But Tom just said we had to read his play.
I know, that is the first line of the play.
I was acting.
Oh.
That was very good.
Thank you so much.
"But I want to do nothing and stay on the dole.
" This Ben character hasn't got much going on up top, he doesn't even know how Jobseeker's Allowance works! Stick to the script! "I guess that's why they call them BEN-HAND-OUTS!" BEN-EFITS, Tom.
It was a play on words.
I know I said write what you know, but this is awful! Hey, do not blame the writing.
It's the performance.
I'm going to do something we should have done a long time ago - get better actors to play the three of us.
Oh, great, now I'm late for work.
Oh, I've got a message from Lucy.
She's forwarded me an office memo I missed.
You know, maybe she's not so bad after all.
Ah, it's about dress code.
Better get changed.
Right.
Item one - dress code.
I want my employees to be smart, impressive, business-like Ta-dah! Denim Thursdays! There's no such thing as Denim Thursdays, is there? No, no.
What an arse.
That's what I thought when I saw you in those shorts.
Moving swiftly on to item two.
The new position.
And I'm not talking about what me and Mrs Carabine got up to last night.
No, that's item three.
Breaking news - I am no longer the CEO of Carabine Promotions.
I've promoted myself to president! Yes, eh? President! I don't know, I just thought it sounded cooler.
But as a result, I am looking to appoint a vice president.
Now, to serve as my vice president, you are going to have to Oh, thank you, Lucy.
keep me organised and anticipate my every need.
Tissue, sir? Now, I want this sorted today.
I have advertised externally but, uh, you know, ideally, I would like to appoint from within.
You're such a suck-up.
It'll all be worth it when I'm made vice president.
Why would you even want that? Whoever becomes my veep will get a massive pay rise and their own PA.
Oh, I see.
Think you're up to the task? Apply today.
Uh, oh, Lucy, here's your application form.
And, sir, can I Oh, not you, Jean Genie.
Now go and change into something more suitable from the lost property box.
Oh, Matthew, don't forget - tomorrow is PVC Friday.
PVC Friday, yes! I can wear my red trousers Oh, piss off! Ben! What are you doing here? What are YOU doing here? I work here.
I thought you were a postman? That's Tom.
Oh.
I saw this in the job centre.
"Vice President needed.
Interviews today.
"Don't bother applying as I've already decided who I want".
It's perfect.
I get to go to a job interview, but there's no way I'll actually get the job.
Well, Lucy's in there now.
I wonder how she's getting on.
How'd it go? I'm quietly confident.
'Next!' Ben, I cannot stress enough how vital it is that you endeavour to find employment.
I cannot bring myself to look for work.
Oh, why, oh, why did they have to threaten to take away my Jobseeker's Allowance? It was ideally suited to my temperament! Listen to me.
That's why they call them BEN-EFITS.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
It's a play on words.
It's really very funny.
Is it? You just need to start acting more like Matthew and Ben.
The only member of this cast who is really nailing it so far is Andreas.
You've captured the very essence of Tom.
Grazie.
But you.
You need to ask yourself, "What would Ben do"? Well, I haven't got a clue.
That's more like it.
You don't know what you're doing, do you? Oh, and that's exactly what Matthew would say! Finally, you're inhabiting your characters.
Follow me.
It's time we went method.
And that, is all I know.
What, that your name is Ben? Yeah, as impressive as your CV is it doesn't actually contain any information about you, I So what attracts you to this position? Well, I like the way your hands are behind your head, it looks very relaxing.
No, no, no.
What What are your strengths? One - memory.
Two - maths.
Five - memory.
I think I've heard enough.
Hello, this is your president speaking.
Oh, dear, no, I couldn't make any decisions on stocks and shares without first consulting my financial advisor, and, well, he's still in rehab.
Oh, sell or buy? Sell or buy? Bye! Really? Oh, well.
OK, I'll take a punt.
Yeah.
Buy! Buy! Buy! Bye.
I've been designing my new nameplate.
Oh, you've missed out the words "and professional brownnoser".
Matthew, you should be nicer to your future vice president.
I get to choose my PA.
And what if I choose you? You'd have to do everything I say.
You'd be my slave.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? To be dominated by a strong, powerful, attractive woman.
So desirable, yet, oh, so unobtainable.
I'd make your life hell, a weird, sexy hell.
Look, I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to All right, maybe it has worked a bit.
I'd destroy you.
Ladies and gentlemen I have made my decision.
Please be upstanding for your new vice president, Ben! What?! My name is Ben.
A man whose sound financial advice just earned me thousands of pounds.
Yes! In your face, Lucy.
My friend's vice president and you're not.
Ben, this is great! You've finally got a proper job.
I don't want a proper job.
Well, it's good for me.
I've really dodged a bullet, I don't have to be Lucy's PA.
What's a PA? It's someone who does all your menial tasks and errands for you, 24/7.
It's basically a glorified slave.
I want Matthew to be my PA.
Done.
Shit! Ben, you are lazy, you need to look for a proper job.
But I don't want to get a job, I want to stay on the dole.
I am a genius.
Excellent, Andreas! Who are they, and what are they doing in our front room? They're performers, and they're inhabiting their characters.
Inhabiting our clothes, more like.
That's my shirt! It can be difficult when art holds up a mirror to life.
Now sh, for they rehearse.
Tom, this is terrible, you've just written down what happens in the flat.
The script is perfect.
You? You are a terrible actor.
If I'm such a terrible actor, how come I've done three episodes of Hollyoaks? Uh, uh, uh, Dominic, darling, that was a line from the script.
OK, look, how about we call it a day? Andreas, a quick word.
Sorry, can I just say, it's a real pleasure to be playing you.
I've always wanted to play a buffoon.
Me, too! Ooh-ooh-ooh! You see, I've been playing you taller.
Now I know where that inner rage comes from.
Fuck off! Beautiful.
Can I use that? OK, we'll pick up where we left off tomorrow and just bear that in mind, Andreas - yes, you're showing me Tom's intellect, but you also need to show me he once got off with a French girl.
Matthew! Matthew! What is it? Could you pass the remote control? No, Ben.
I've already told you, I am not your slave.
Slave! Ah, but you are, aren't you? You're my PA, remember? When you've done that, you can clean up all of this.
And then, you can make a start on this.
"Cook dinner".
Give you a "sensual bed bath"? Ben, I am not making you a crown and I am certainly not writing you a theme song.
He's got lovely, flowing hair He can jump into the air He knows his name He can count to ten He's a legend He is Ben.
Nice crown, Veep.
Thanks, sir.
My PA made it and this cape.
Veep! Veep! Now, you and I have got some work to do.
To the Oval Office! Just so you know, I blame you for this.
Yeah, I thought you might.
Is that why you've done this? No, I just like drawing cocks on things.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, ever since Ben got that job, I have not stopped working - clothing him, feeding him, bathing him - I haven't had a moment's peace.
Hello? Matthew.
Two large coffees, two croissants, two muffins and two full English! Hang on.
Do you want anything? Oh, just a cup of tea.
And a cup of tea.
And get my suits dry-cleaned.
You don't have any suits.
Well, then, buy me some suits and then get them dry-cleaned! I must say, Veep, you're really getting into the swing of this executive lifestyle.
But now, it's time to earn it.
Yesterday you displayed fearless financial mettle.
But now it's time to get down to the business of advertising and promotions.
Real work.
Real work? Ah.
Oh, I still can't BELIEVE that Neanderthal man got my job.
It would have been bad being your PA, but you'd never have got me doing this.
I thought you said Ben was useless? Yeah, he can't really do this, it's just a painting.
And anyway, if Ben's so useless, how come he's been in there working with Carabine all day? Trust me.
Soon, Carabine's going to realise that the only thing Ben is good at is doing nothing.
Matthew, Lucy, my office immediately.
Told you.
I just wanted you to witness the genius of your vice president's hard work.
This morning the dairy industry asked us to come up with a poster campaign to advertise milk.
Veep came up with this.
It's classic, it's simple, it was a massive success.
Wait till you see his campaign for the alpine ski slope.
And The Blank Paper Company.
Oh, sorry, it's upside down.
Damn, he's good.
And just when I thought this wunderkind couldn't get any more wunderbar, he comes up with a masterful slogan for the new clothing range for the designer, Ben Sharman.
My name is Ben.
Of course, with this new business coming in, you can't be expected to survive with just one PA, so, Lucy, I'd like you to join Team Ben.
Oh, fuck off! Is what I would say to anyone trying to stop me joining this winning team.
Veep! Veep! Veep, veep.
Now, all this success couldn't have come at a better time.
Tomorrow, I'm making a speech at the annual promotions industry conference.
The biggest slash ONLY event in the promotions calendar! Ben, you're going to be writing my speech.
Now, I want it on my desk tomorrow morning.
Don't you let me down! As if he could! Whoa.
Tom? Rehearsals are getting really interesting.
I can't see, I'm too short! What's going on? Fucking, fuck off! Why's he talking like that? Since he met you, he's really found the truth of his character.
What are THEY doing in OUR front room?! They are inhabiting their characters.
Inhabiting our clothes, more like! Get a job, I'm angry.
I can't, I'm too stupid.
I couldn't afford any more real actors, so I had to go to the youth theatre.
I'm a genius! All right.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Uh, darlings, you were fantastic.
What the shitting cock was that?! You want to work in this industry? You need to grow some balls! Hey! Tomorrow is opening night! But you haven't even written the end yet.
Actually, that is a point of concern for the whole cast.
How is this play going to end? Et tu, Miles? You're siding with this prick?! I just have some concerns, Thomas.
And what about this title? They're crap at being adults, they're CRAPULTS! It's a genius title! And, of course, I'm going to be able to come up with an end.
Right, that's it.
That's it.
Get out.
Go on.
Rehearsals are over! Out! Stefano, Andreas, a word.
Well this is weird.
So, you just need to keep in mind that Tom is a lover and a fighter.
Go on.
OK, you two, quick.
I need you to do something that feels like an ending.
I don't know, kill each other or get married.
Oh Oh, God, this is going to be hard.
Lucy, what are you doing here?! Sir, as your new PA, I just thought I'd come round and see if you needed anything doing.
Brilliant! Let us make you a drink, sir.
You can learn a thing or two from her, Matthew.
Matthew, make Ben his favourite drink.
Now you're sucking up to Ben! Look, I hate being Ben's PA just as much as I LOVE drawing cocks on things, but I reckon, that with my sharp mind and with Well, with my sharp mind, we could get Ben fired.
This isn't another one of your tricks to make me look stupid, is it? No, this isn't about you.
We need to work together.
So we're a team? Just follow my lead.
There you go, sir, half a pint of beer in half a pint of milk.
Ah, my favourite - bilk.
So, have you had any ideas about Carabine's big speech tomorrow? Now, hear me out No.
Well, why don't you leave it to your PAs? And you can just go and get some much needed rest.
Well, I have earned it.
Veep, veep, everyone! Ah, bilk.
My favourite.
And now, Matthew, we can write whatever we want in that speech.
And Ben'll hand it in to Carabine and Carabine will fire him.
It is perfect! Yes, and then you kill each other and get married.
No, Tom.
Was worth a try.
'And now, to deliver the keynote speech, 'please welcome the president of Carabine Promotions.
' Maybe I should have read this through first.
No, what would be the point? If Ben's written it, it's bound to be brilliant.
Citizens of the promotions industry, I stand before you today, not as president of my own company or as a captain of local industry, but as a man, a free man, in a free market, who also happens to be an arseface.
And not just an arseface, but a prick, a cock-knocker, a shitter, a classic arsehole and a tit.
Ask not what you can do for the promotions industry, but ask why am I such a bellwhiff? Ich bin ein terrible prick.
Thank you.
Thank you.
If this plan works, you have to admit, we make a pretty cool team.
I will admit that I am pretty and cool, and that WE have maybe worked as a team, how's that? I'll take it! How dare you humiliate your president like that?! You are impeached, fired, excommunicated, sacked.
Matthew, Lucy, my office, now.
Ooh! This has taught me a valuable lesson never trust outsiders.
Lucy, of course you're my vice president.
Now, would you like to choose your PA? I-I don't think I'll be needing a PA, sir, but I'd like to appoint Matthew our secretary of state.
I like that! Pay rises all round! Tonight, we celebrate.
It's cocktail o'clocktail! I can't do tonight, sir, I've got to go to the theatre.
My housemate's written his new play.
Well, warm up the motorcade and count us in! Whoever heard of a president having a bad time at the theatre? My name is Tom I'm writing a play Writing a play to be finished today His name is Ben You're a slob, you're a slob Ben, you're a slob Go get a job No way, not today I'm on the dole, by the way It's so good, I'll never quit That's why they call them BEN-EFITS.
BEN-EFITS.
I wrote that one! Ben, you OK? I'm more than OK! I had an accident at work.
The compensation is better than the dole.
I'm living the dream! Well, let me know if you need help going to the loo or anything.
I'm attached to a bag.
Like I said, I'm living the dream! Sh! Sh! Now the play is tomorrow It's not there yet But you'll get it right What a privilege it's been I'm very proud of each one of you You're the best damn actors I've ever seen I'm inspired! I'm motivated.
I want my mum! You must write a speech But don't worry, it's fine We will write it Then you'll give it to Carabine This speech must be so bad That it leaves Carabine in disgrace Let's get him to say he has an arse for a face.
I wonder if Tom's managed to come up with an ending? Are you Tom? Yes, I am.
I wrote this play.
I'm from NASA.
There's an asteroid and it's heading to Earth.
You've been selected to fly up there with an oddball bunch of oil drillers and drill it to bits.
But I am just a humble writer.
That's not true, Tom.
You're the only man for the job.
Then I will do it.
I can't promise I'll come back.
But I can promise you this I will be doing it all for you.
I don't wanna close my eyes I don't wanna fall asleep Cos I'll miss you, babe And I don't wanna miss a thing Even when I dream of you The sweetest dream will never do I still miss you, babe And I don't wanna miss a thing.
Sir, that bit about the speech, I can explain.
It was complete fiction.
Tom made it up.
I know what you two did.
You're going to be doing unpaid overtime for the rest of your lives.
Well Well, that is the last time I think about teaming up with you, Matthew.
I will get you back for this.
And as for you Well, I've spoken to my lawyers about that compensation and I'll see you in court.
May the best man win.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Are you Tom? Yes, I am I wrote the play.
I'm from NASA.
There's an asteroid heading straight towards the Earth.
We need to fly you out to it and drill it to bits.
But I'm just a humble writer.
Turns out you're the only guy for the job, sir.
Then I'll do it.
I can't promise I'll come back, but I can promise you this.
I'll be doing it for you.
I don't want to close my eyes Good luck up there, son.
Do your country proud.
Thank you, Mr President.
Cos even when I dream of you The sweetest dream would never do I'd still miss you, babe And I don't want to miss a thing That is the last time we let Tom write an episode.
And I don't want to miss a thing