Banana (2015) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 MUSIC: An Argument With Myself by Jens Lekman Having an argument with myself down Elizabeth Street Bumping into backpackers And struggling with the parameters and the basic construction of my feet Kicking beer cans and rubbish along the concrete Crossing the street, and crossing galaxies of taxis and back seats And drunk Swedes and half-Greeks Shut up! No, you shut up! What's the matter? Take a number, Buttercup Every time I hear you say fuck it I will remind you of the photo in your pocket How long it's been there Two years, I bet Have a sniff It's gonna smell like a cigarette When was the last time you smoked a cigarette? And more importantly Who did you smoke it with? ALARMS RING CONFUSED SHOUTING INAUDIBLE COUGHING WOMAN: My baby! SONG RESUMES SONG ENDS Banana! MUSIC PLAYS GASPS SIREN WAILS Excuse me? Excuse me? Yeah? Your lace.
It's undone.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Wh wh Aren't you gonna ? Well, I was just going to wait.
Till It's pretty busy.
HE SIGHS PHONE BEEPS Right AMY: Um 'If If Oh' 'If Ooh!' 'If she looks at me before Deansgate' 'I'll say yes.
' ANNOUNCEMENT: The next stop will be Deansgate-Castlefield.
'Oh, shit.
' 'Come on, look at me, look at me.
Look at me' 'Look at me' 'Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
' 'Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at Ugh.
' 'Just look up!' 'Not even at me.
Just anywhere! That still counts.
' 'Come on.
Look up.
Look up.
Look up.
Look up.
' 'Look up.
Look up.
Look up.
Look up!' 'Look up! Look up! Look up! Look up!' Yes! Sorry.
All right? Hiya.
Police been in touch? Uh yeah.
We're actually going for a drink tonight, so Oh! So, what are you wearing? Well, I just thought, um this? Hiya.
£2.
50, love.
Oh, no, sorry.
Actually, I just wondered where Stefan was, - cos I haven't seen him for a while.
- Who? Stefan? The guy who normally sells it here.
He's Polish.
- Do you know where he is? - No idea.
Cos I owe him £2.
You borrowed money off him? Oh, no.
No, no.
No, no.
I just I always buy it off him, and the other day I didn't have enough, and he said I could give it to him when I saw him again, and now I don't know where he is.
Jesus.
Two quid! GASPS AND GROANS Robbie? Yeah? Do you have to know someone really well to file a missing person's report? What? Nothing.
Amy? Hey.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Sorry.
I don't know why I did that.
Um - do you want a drink? - Yeah, thanks.
- Sorry, what do you want? - Surprise me.
'Shit.
' Uh Hmm Uh 'Right, if he serves me, it's wine.
White wine.
' 'Red.
' 'Her beer.
Right.
' 'Come on.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
' 'Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
' 'Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
' 'Yes!' - What can I get you? - Oh.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
So, we're both, um, filthy southerners? Yeah, look at us.
Coming up here, taking their jobs, marrying their women.
I'm not even sorry.
How long have you lived up here? Oh, um couple of years.
Yeah.
I um moved up here for Well, um, to be with a lady.
Ah! A lady? Well, turns out she wasn't actually a lady.
Oh? - No, I don't mean she was a man.
- Right.
No, I mean I mean not a "lady" as in, well behaved.
You know? She fuck you over? Yeah.
Ah.
Sorry.
Oh, sorry.
You said you had a bad night last night.
Oh, God, yeah.
Can you say? Are you allowed to talk about it? It was a murder.
- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.
It was Fuck, it was brutal.
He confessed.
The bloke who did it.
He called us.
He was waiting for us.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
We arrived, and he was just there, sitting with the body, catatonic, holding this golf club.
- A golf club? - Yeah.
You can kill someone with a golf club? If you twat someone hard enough over the head with one, you can.
Anyway sorry.
Let's not talk about that.
OK.
Sorry, actually, can I just while we're on the subject What? - Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Have you heard of any, um, dead homeless men, specifically Big Issue sellers, in the last I dunno say, week? Um no.
OK.
Right.
Why? Have you murdered one? No! No, no.
No.
I just I can't find one.
- OK.
- And I owe him some money.
You owe a homeless man money? No.
Yeah, God No, I do realise how that sounds.
No, that's not what No.
Basically, I just owe him for the magazine.
I always buy it off him, and I didn't have the right change, and, anyway, I always say, "Keep the change," so, you know, technically, I don't actually owe him any money.
- I mean, technically, he owes me.
- Um No, that's I didn't mean like that.
Um No, I just Um Oh, God.
You think I'm a dick, don't you? No.
Let's get this started, girl We're moving up, we're moving up It's been a lot to change But you will always get what you want - I like that.
- What? Oh, thanks.
Also, very useful for identifying your dead body.
What? Well, let's just say you were found dead, and the police weren't sure who you were.
- OK, cheerful(!) - That's a distinguishing mark.
It's unique.
SIREN WAILS Sorry? - Are you all right? You seem - Back in a sec.
Mum.
Hi, it's me.
It's permanent but, you know.
I mean Well, noth nothing's permanent.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Right, look.
Anyway, look, I'm really sorry but just, for future reference, it's of a tiny face.
The tattoo! And left wrist.
No, just in case the worst comes to the worst.
PIN number, please.
KNOCKING MOUTHS Oh, shit.
INAUDIBLE And can you, um Can you maybe bring the food back? Is that No, course you can't.
MOUTHS I'm so sorry.
I just went for a fag.
I'm sorry, I just thought you'd Just Right Well, - it was nice to meet you.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I I didn't mean - What? - I don't know.
It was just that thing you said about tattoos - and identifying people and stuff.
- What? All right, look, this sounds ridiculous and you'll think I'm mad but, um, I don't know, you seem nice and Plus, you're in the police so you've probably spent time around people who are actually mad, or, you know, more mad, or madder, whatever you say Oh, fuck it! Look, my mum doesn't know about this, she hates tattoos, and so I didn't ever tell her, and I just wear a watch to cover it up whenever I see her.
I actually bought a Swatch specifically to wear, and it's weird because she always says she likes the watch and then I feel guilty and I keep meaning to tell her but it's been about two years now Anyway, no When you said that thing about if I died, I suddenly just thought, you know, "Oh, God, what if that actually happened and what if someone went round and double-checked it was me by mentioning the tattoo," and she'd think it wasn't my body when actually it was, and she'd be relieved for a bit but then it would be me, so it would be worse.
Actually, it would almost It would be a double tragedy, and I wouldn't even be there to apologise because I'd be dead.
So I just thought I should, um, ring her and tell her.
You did that just now? Yep.
She's quite pissed off.
How old are you again? I'm nearly 30.
I know.
Um I I worry.
I worry a lot.
OK.
I'm quite weird.
OK.
Anyway, yeah, um It was really nice to meet you.
And, um But I'm sorry about you know? Yeah.
Bye.
Oi.
Do you fancy another drink? - Really? - You're buying.
Come on! I'm freezing my tits off.
Can I nick a fag? (LAUGHS) Now you're really taking the piss.
Go on.
So, come on, tell me, what do you worry about? - Everything.
- Right, give me an example.
Really? Cos this isn't, you know this isn't sexy chat.
Oh, no.
You see, that's where you're mistaken.
This is basically foreplay for me.
- Oh, fuck off.
- LAUGHS Come on.
Give me an example.
Um well, I always think my flat's going to blow up.
So I have to kind of check things.
I have to check things loads of times before I can leave.
Right.
My friend's dad had this toaster - that caught fire in the night once.
- Really? Yeah.
It just I don't know.
Yeah, it just It blew up.
Massive fire.
Um So there's that.
That's not unusual, though, is it? I mean, you know, lots of people check stuff.
- That's just common sense.
- Yeah.
I guess so.
I worry about people dying.
A lot.
And I worry about, I don't know, causing people pain.
All that All that stuff.
That's not a bad thing, though, is it? I always have to land on my right foot.
What? When I take the stairs.
Yeah, I try to learn which foot to start on, left or right, with familiar staircases, and usually I remember, but sometimes, if I don't, I have to sort of go back and start again.
Um I convince myself that something bad will happen if I don't.
Unless I'm in a hurry.
You know, if I can see I'm going to land on my left, then I just jump and miss a few.
OK.
Yeah, maybe that's a bit more, um, extreme.
- I broke my ankle last year.
- What? Yeah.
I slightly misjudged the, er the jump.
Are you serious? KAY GUFFAWS You twat.
BOTH LAUGH One for the road? Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
So, um, how do you get home from here? Oh, just bus.
Yeah, not far.
Right.
How about you? I can walk.
Oh, right.
SHE GASPS CHOKES - Can I walk you home? - What? Not not I didn't mean, you know like I didn't mean like that.
I just I just to walk with you, and then I'll I'll go.
You know? OK.
OK.
That'd be nice.
- OK, great.
- You're a gent.
Fuck off.
So what were you like as a kid? Um, fat with a bowl cut.
- BOTH LAUGH - No.
I mean, did you worry then? Oh, God, yeah, it was awful.
It was really awful.
Much worse than now.
I used to have to pray for my whole family every night, to keep them safe, you know, cos they'd all die if I forgot.
It was completely ridiculous.
I used to have to say the Lord's Prayer, then the Grace, then go through them all by name, extended family and friends too, obviously, about 40 people in total, and if I'd missed someone off, which I usually did, mainly my mum's friend Janet, for some reason, I'd have to start all over again.
It was fucking exhausting.
- Are your parents religious? - Nope.
No idea where that one came from.
I had terrible haircuts as a kid.
- Did you? - Yeah.
The worst was this square shaped little Afro.
I looked like a fucking Lego man.
- Ah! - What? Right, just wait there a second.
Right, um Sorry, this is actually really rude, but if I promise to pay you back, can I borrow two quid? I haven't got any change left.
Erm yeah.
Thank you so much.
Stefan! Hey! INDISTINC AMY: No, no, I do.
I owe it you.
And I'll see you next week.
He's not dead, then? Not dead, and all debts settled.
Well, transferred.
Shit, yes.
Sorry.
Right, then.
That's me.
OK.
Thanks for walking me back.
Well, if I'm going to be a proper gent, I should probably walk you to the door.
Unless that sounds weird.
No.
That sounds fine.
Right.
Right.
'If that light goes on, I'll kiss her.
' 'Turn on.
Turn on.
Turn on.
Turn on.
' 'Turn on.
Turn on.
Turn on.
Turn on.
' Do you know, I think I actually know someone who lives round here.
You don't know a guy called, um Matt, do you? Matt what? 'Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' 'Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' 'Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' Matt Oh, God, I can't remember.
Um He's he's about he's about that tall Um 'Oh, Christ, please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' He's got just sort of just 'Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' brown hair.
He had a beard recently.
Um, sort of slim.
Slim-ish.
'For fuck's sake!' 'Just turn on, please God, just for a second, just for one tiny second.
'A tiny, tiny, tiny second.
Just a tiny fucking !' MUSIC: 100,000 Thoughts by Tap Tap So I kind of want to invite you in but there's a bit of a problem.
Oh, what? I live on the fifth floor.
What's wrong with that? Well, that's loads of stairs.
I've no idea which foot you should start on.
We could be here all fucking night.
And all around my head And most amazingly so You slipped into my dream And now I can't remember anything
It's undone.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Wh wh Aren't you gonna ? Well, I was just going to wait.
Till It's pretty busy.
HE SIGHS PHONE BEEPS Right AMY: Um 'If If Oh' 'If Ooh!' 'If she looks at me before Deansgate' 'I'll say yes.
' ANNOUNCEMENT: The next stop will be Deansgate-Castlefield.
'Oh, shit.
' 'Come on, look at me, look at me.
Look at me' 'Look at me' 'Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
' 'Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at Ugh.
' 'Just look up!' 'Not even at me.
Just anywhere! That still counts.
' 'Come on.
Look up.
Look up.
Look up.
Look up.
' 'Look up.
Look up.
Look up.
Look up!' 'Look up! Look up! Look up! Look up!' Yes! Sorry.
All right? Hiya.
Police been in touch? Uh yeah.
We're actually going for a drink tonight, so Oh! So, what are you wearing? Well, I just thought, um this? Hiya.
£2.
50, love.
Oh, no, sorry.
Actually, I just wondered where Stefan was, - cos I haven't seen him for a while.
- Who? Stefan? The guy who normally sells it here.
He's Polish.
- Do you know where he is? - No idea.
Cos I owe him £2.
You borrowed money off him? Oh, no.
No, no.
No, no.
I just I always buy it off him, and the other day I didn't have enough, and he said I could give it to him when I saw him again, and now I don't know where he is.
Jesus.
Two quid! GASPS AND GROANS Robbie? Yeah? Do you have to know someone really well to file a missing person's report? What? Nothing.
Amy? Hey.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Sorry.
I don't know why I did that.
Um - do you want a drink? - Yeah, thanks.
- Sorry, what do you want? - Surprise me.
'Shit.
' Uh Hmm Uh 'Right, if he serves me, it's wine.
White wine.
' 'Red.
' 'Her beer.
Right.
' 'Come on.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
' 'Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
' 'Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
Wine.
' 'Yes!' - What can I get you? - Oh.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
So, we're both, um, filthy southerners? Yeah, look at us.
Coming up here, taking their jobs, marrying their women.
I'm not even sorry.
How long have you lived up here? Oh, um couple of years.
Yeah.
I um moved up here for Well, um, to be with a lady.
Ah! A lady? Well, turns out she wasn't actually a lady.
Oh? - No, I don't mean she was a man.
- Right.
No, I mean I mean not a "lady" as in, well behaved.
You know? She fuck you over? Yeah.
Ah.
Sorry.
Oh, sorry.
You said you had a bad night last night.
Oh, God, yeah.
Can you say? Are you allowed to talk about it? It was a murder.
- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.
It was Fuck, it was brutal.
He confessed.
The bloke who did it.
He called us.
He was waiting for us.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
We arrived, and he was just there, sitting with the body, catatonic, holding this golf club.
- A golf club? - Yeah.
You can kill someone with a golf club? If you twat someone hard enough over the head with one, you can.
Anyway sorry.
Let's not talk about that.
OK.
Sorry, actually, can I just while we're on the subject What? - Can I ask you something? - Sure.
Have you heard of any, um, dead homeless men, specifically Big Issue sellers, in the last I dunno say, week? Um no.
OK.
Right.
Why? Have you murdered one? No! No, no.
No.
I just I can't find one.
- OK.
- And I owe him some money.
You owe a homeless man money? No.
Yeah, God No, I do realise how that sounds.
No, that's not what No.
Basically, I just owe him for the magazine.
I always buy it off him, and I didn't have the right change, and, anyway, I always say, "Keep the change," so, you know, technically, I don't actually owe him any money.
- I mean, technically, he owes me.
- Um No, that's I didn't mean like that.
Um No, I just Um Oh, God.
You think I'm a dick, don't you? No.
Let's get this started, girl We're moving up, we're moving up It's been a lot to change But you will always get what you want - I like that.
- What? Oh, thanks.
Also, very useful for identifying your dead body.
What? Well, let's just say you were found dead, and the police weren't sure who you were.
- OK, cheerful(!) - That's a distinguishing mark.
It's unique.
SIREN WAILS Sorry? - Are you all right? You seem - Back in a sec.
Mum.
Hi, it's me.
It's permanent but, you know.
I mean Well, noth nothing's permanent.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Right, look.
Anyway, look, I'm really sorry but just, for future reference, it's of a tiny face.
The tattoo! And left wrist.
No, just in case the worst comes to the worst.
PIN number, please.
KNOCKING MOUTHS Oh, shit.
INAUDIBLE And can you, um Can you maybe bring the food back? Is that No, course you can't.
MOUTHS I'm so sorry.
I just went for a fag.
I'm sorry, I just thought you'd Just Right Well, - it was nice to meet you.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I I didn't mean - What? - I don't know.
It was just that thing you said about tattoos - and identifying people and stuff.
- What? All right, look, this sounds ridiculous and you'll think I'm mad but, um, I don't know, you seem nice and Plus, you're in the police so you've probably spent time around people who are actually mad, or, you know, more mad, or madder, whatever you say Oh, fuck it! Look, my mum doesn't know about this, she hates tattoos, and so I didn't ever tell her, and I just wear a watch to cover it up whenever I see her.
I actually bought a Swatch specifically to wear, and it's weird because she always says she likes the watch and then I feel guilty and I keep meaning to tell her but it's been about two years now Anyway, no When you said that thing about if I died, I suddenly just thought, you know, "Oh, God, what if that actually happened and what if someone went round and double-checked it was me by mentioning the tattoo," and she'd think it wasn't my body when actually it was, and she'd be relieved for a bit but then it would be me, so it would be worse.
Actually, it would almost It would be a double tragedy, and I wouldn't even be there to apologise because I'd be dead.
So I just thought I should, um, ring her and tell her.
You did that just now? Yep.
She's quite pissed off.
How old are you again? I'm nearly 30.
I know.
Um I I worry.
I worry a lot.
OK.
I'm quite weird.
OK.
Anyway, yeah, um It was really nice to meet you.
And, um But I'm sorry about you know? Yeah.
Bye.
Oi.
Do you fancy another drink? - Really? - You're buying.
Come on! I'm freezing my tits off.
Can I nick a fag? (LAUGHS) Now you're really taking the piss.
Go on.
So, come on, tell me, what do you worry about? - Everything.
- Right, give me an example.
Really? Cos this isn't, you know this isn't sexy chat.
Oh, no.
You see, that's where you're mistaken.
This is basically foreplay for me.
- Oh, fuck off.
- LAUGHS Come on.
Give me an example.
Um well, I always think my flat's going to blow up.
So I have to kind of check things.
I have to check things loads of times before I can leave.
Right.
My friend's dad had this toaster - that caught fire in the night once.
- Really? Yeah.
It just I don't know.
Yeah, it just It blew up.
Massive fire.
Um So there's that.
That's not unusual, though, is it? I mean, you know, lots of people check stuff.
- That's just common sense.
- Yeah.
I guess so.
I worry about people dying.
A lot.
And I worry about, I don't know, causing people pain.
All that All that stuff.
That's not a bad thing, though, is it? I always have to land on my right foot.
What? When I take the stairs.
Yeah, I try to learn which foot to start on, left or right, with familiar staircases, and usually I remember, but sometimes, if I don't, I have to sort of go back and start again.
Um I convince myself that something bad will happen if I don't.
Unless I'm in a hurry.
You know, if I can see I'm going to land on my left, then I just jump and miss a few.
OK.
Yeah, maybe that's a bit more, um, extreme.
- I broke my ankle last year.
- What? Yeah.
I slightly misjudged the, er the jump.
Are you serious? KAY GUFFAWS You twat.
BOTH LAUGH One for the road? Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
So, um, how do you get home from here? Oh, just bus.
Yeah, not far.
Right.
How about you? I can walk.
Oh, right.
SHE GASPS CHOKES - Can I walk you home? - What? Not not I didn't mean, you know like I didn't mean like that.
I just I just to walk with you, and then I'll I'll go.
You know? OK.
OK.
That'd be nice.
- OK, great.
- You're a gent.
Fuck off.
So what were you like as a kid? Um, fat with a bowl cut.
- BOTH LAUGH - No.
I mean, did you worry then? Oh, God, yeah, it was awful.
It was really awful.
Much worse than now.
I used to have to pray for my whole family every night, to keep them safe, you know, cos they'd all die if I forgot.
It was completely ridiculous.
I used to have to say the Lord's Prayer, then the Grace, then go through them all by name, extended family and friends too, obviously, about 40 people in total, and if I'd missed someone off, which I usually did, mainly my mum's friend Janet, for some reason, I'd have to start all over again.
It was fucking exhausting.
- Are your parents religious? - Nope.
No idea where that one came from.
I had terrible haircuts as a kid.
- Did you? - Yeah.
The worst was this square shaped little Afro.
I looked like a fucking Lego man.
- Ah! - What? Right, just wait there a second.
Right, um Sorry, this is actually really rude, but if I promise to pay you back, can I borrow two quid? I haven't got any change left.
Erm yeah.
Thank you so much.
Stefan! Hey! INDISTINC AMY: No, no, I do.
I owe it you.
And I'll see you next week.
He's not dead, then? Not dead, and all debts settled.
Well, transferred.
Shit, yes.
Sorry.
Right, then.
That's me.
OK.
Thanks for walking me back.
Well, if I'm going to be a proper gent, I should probably walk you to the door.
Unless that sounds weird.
No.
That sounds fine.
Right.
Right.
'If that light goes on, I'll kiss her.
' 'Turn on.
Turn on.
Turn on.
Turn on.
' 'Turn on.
Turn on.
Turn on.
Turn on.
' Do you know, I think I actually know someone who lives round here.
You don't know a guy called, um Matt, do you? Matt what? 'Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' 'Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' 'Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' Matt Oh, God, I can't remember.
Um He's he's about he's about that tall Um 'Oh, Christ, please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' He's got just sort of just 'Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please.
' brown hair.
He had a beard recently.
Um, sort of slim.
Slim-ish.
'For fuck's sake!' 'Just turn on, please God, just for a second, just for one tiny second.
'A tiny, tiny, tiny second.
Just a tiny fucking !' MUSIC: 100,000 Thoughts by Tap Tap So I kind of want to invite you in but there's a bit of a problem.
Oh, what? I live on the fifth floor.
What's wrong with that? Well, that's loads of stairs.
I've no idea which foot you should start on.
We could be here all fucking night.
And all around my head And most amazingly so You slipped into my dream And now I can't remember anything