Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

I Can't Believe This Used to Take Days

1 - C'mon, you can do it! - Go, go, go go.
- You can do it! You can do i-i-i-i.
- Alright Alright! i-i-i-i-i-it! Oh, oh! Great work, honey.
Let's try again.
Make us proud.
Make Mommy and Daddy proud.
- Here we go.
- Go, go, go go! Look at me! I'm doing it! Yeah! Yeah! I'm doing it! Now's our chance.
- Okay.
- Alright, let's go! Come on! - I'm goin'! - Go, go, go! Okay, 'cause he's got a bike, so he can catch up at any moment.
Let's just try and, do we know any of these Get out of here, let's go! I'm following you! I'm following you! Me and my friends will spike the punch, Lovin' ourselves and causing fun Yeah, Hey Hey There's no clouds, there's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun,yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Hello.
Greetings and welcome.
Thank you so much for coming today.
This is our first World Summit since the revolution, where we ascended to power, replacing our male counterparts.
Its been a busy few years, yeah? To say the least.
Ah, what's on the agenda? Yes, first of all, the economy.
Mmm hmm, ah, well, actually, everything's great here.
Yup, us too.
We're cool.
Us, too.
Same here.
Jill? Ah, yup.
All good here.
No problems.
Great, okay, environment.
Is anyone having any environmental problems, anyone? - No.
- No.
- None.
And what about um conflict? Social justice, any war, any hardship, conflict in their continents? No, we just talk it out these days.
Yeah, we find it's very helpful to write things down and then sleep on it, see if we feel the same way the next day.
That's a great idea.
Yeah, us too.
There was some conflict with my California and Jill's old South America, and then we just realized we were angry at ourselves, weren't we? Yeah, I mean, I was projecting all my shit onto this one.
And then I realized it was just my stuff onto her.
So, I'm so happy that we're cool now.
Yes, very cool.
Well, I think that's it, ladies.
Everything seems to be in order.
- Yeah.
I can't believe that this Summit used to take days.
Have a good one today, eh, guys? - Hi.
-Oh, hey.
Hey, I was told I could join one of the running groups going out today? Oh, yeah, yeah.
For sure.
Uh, we're running from here along Lakeshore for about 5K, then up to Queen and Jones, then along Queen for another 5K.
And then down Bathurst to Front Street, and right back here.
Oh, wow.
What about you guys? Oh, we're running from a secret sense of failure, loveless marriage, overwhelming fear of intimacy, and general dissatisfaction with everyday life.
How about the law, is that? - Welcome aboard.
- Thanks.
Well, this month's read was just astonishing.
I hope we can do this book justice in an hour.
Susan, how did you like the book? Oh, I liked it on Facebook and Instagram.
Uh Ruth, what did you think of the central character? Oh, she was extraordinary.
Wasn't she? Yeah.
You know, just the way, like, her chin was just, you know, like on her hand.
And she was just, you know, like, like, staring right down the barrel of the camera.
I just really connected with her.
That's the author, Einstein.
Oh, oh, she's not Einstein she's Ruth.
Okay, um ah, what stood out for me, was the symbolism of the lilacs in Sasha's life.
Her-her struggle, her um, her inner garden of growth, if you will.
Anything pop out for you guys? The lettering did and it popped right out and when you rub your hand across it, it's raised so it's like braille, but it's, like, for people with eyes.
Hilary? Mmm hmm? Blind people have eyes.
For real? Yeah, I mean, they're smaller, but they have them.
Mmm hmm, like, just a little bit smaller.
Okay, has anyone read the book? This book.
Anyone? - No.
Well, the author is going to be here in fifteen minutes so, I guess, once again, I'll do all the talking.
- Okay.
Okay, but-but deaf people, they have ears, or are those not ears? No, no, no, they have ears, they're just vestigial.
Okay, you are all fired.
What is vesit-vesigial? It's the place where you leave your coats and your hats, and your boots and stuff at school.
Oh, like a portmanteau.
Sorry about this.
He gets really randy whenever I take him out for a walk.
Oh, no, it's fine.
We don't really have a backyard, so whenever we get to the park, she just goes crazy.
Wow, they're really going at it.
Okay, come on! Time to go.
Come on, boy.
They just never listen, eh? I know.
Richard's mom passed away, so we've all signed this card and we're chipping in for some flowers.
Oh, yeah, sure.
No problem.
"My thoughts are with you," "Our deepest condolences.
" I can do better.
So sorry for your loss.
Things will get better.
Thinking of you in this time of great loss.
I feel so sad for you, and I'm gonna talk about it in a card.
Let it out.
Sorry for your loss.
You're the greatest loser.
You're an amazing and smart woman.
You can do this.
Buddy! Arrrgghhh! How's the card coming? 'Kay.
Got it.
So sorry to hear about your dad.
Mother of So sorry to hear about your mom.
She was a wonderful man.
You got this.
Sorry for your loss.
Boom! Hey.
Bradley? Did you want to sign that? 'Cause I You just - 'Kay.
-'Kay? 'Kay.
How is it? Oh, fantastic.
So, you'll take the dress.
No, just the mirror.
Uh, beautiful.
We all ready to get down to work? Now, we have a woman's hand soap product.
A bottle.
And we need some ideas on how to market it.
I've started us off up there on the board.
Who else has got some ideas? Emily? - Uh, butterflies.
-Butterflies? - Yes.
- Emily? -Yeah.
It's a woman's product.
Of course there's butterflies.
Yeah, here.
I'll humour you.
Here ya go.
Nice little butterfly.
There we go.
Great, butterflies.
Okay, now let's have some real ideas, okay? Now, I want you to imagine it on the shelf.
It's sitting up on a shelf.
It's just teetering.
It needed help to get up there, and now it's up there.
And it says, "Help! I'm a little lady soap! Who am I? Who's gonna buy me?" So the question that we arrive at is this.
How will the women know.
it's for women? How will the women know it's for women? Pink.
Of course it's pink, Emily! Come on! I'm sorry.
Okay, pink.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, anyone else? Yeah.
We could make a slim bottle, because, you know, women are slim.
Slim bottle.
Nice, slim bottle.
There we go.
A special handle for tiny women's hands, and a bow.
Tiny little handles for their wee little women hands.
Dating tips.
Dating tips.
Put out.
Baby fresh scent.
Nice scent wafting up there, great.
Excuse me.
Mmm hmm.
I'm sorry, I'm just wondering, how is this soap different from the men's soap? Like, what's the actual difference? Alexa, you want to field that one? It's more expensive.
Thank you.
Ah, John! Perfect timing.
Mmm hmm.
I wanted to get your thoughts on our new ah women's hand soap mockup.
It's all there.
I love it.
You girls would buy this? Mmm hmm.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Every day.
Every goddamn day of our goddamn lives.
Nice work, Laura.
Thanks, John.
I just have to know.
In this job we just come up with stuff that we'd never use? Yeah.
Drink up.
It'll make the feelings go away.
Okay, next product.
How will the women know they're for women? Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh oh Yeah, I've got all the info here.
- So, sixty minute massage? -Yes.
And, anything you're looking to get out of it? Just, I just really want to relax and chill out.
- Okay.
-As they say.
It's my first time.
Well, you have come to the right place.
Okay, so why don't you take off your clothes and just get under the sheet, and I will be back to give you your massage in a-in a second.
Okay, I will do all of that, that you said.
Okay, great.
I'll be back in a flash.
Okay, just, I take off, okay.
Take off your clothes, and I'll be back in a flash.
Come on! And I will be back in a second.
Oh my good god.
Really? In a second Back in a second.
Back in a second.
Back in a second.
second Okay.
Here we go.
You all ready here? Yeah.
Oh, you are carrying some stress.
Yeah, here, I'll just work on that a little.
Okay, I have no idea why.
Oh, yeah.
These are great! Oh, yeah.
Those are the boyfriend jeans.
They really suit you.
Thanks! Oh, those are awesome.
Yeah? I think these are the mom jeans, right? No, no.
Those are the Aunt Sheila jeans.
They're high-waisted like a mom jean, but they have more room in the crotch.
- Is that good? - Oh, yeah.
You can keep Kleenex, orange peels in there.
Maybe a mint.
Whatever you like.
Oh, and um if you notice, the zipper only comes halfway up.
Your shirt comes through like this.
Oh, look, that's so neat! Yeah, that's cute.
Oh, I love those, they're fantastic! I think so too.
They're the slutty cousin jeans.
Oh, and check this out.
Yes, work it! I'm actually not even working it.
They're just so tight I can't move any other way.
- Oh, my.
-Right? Love it, yeah.
Oh, I love those.
Those are a keeper.
So hot.
That's a skirt, yeah? Oh, no.
Those are the new "Sister Wife" jeans.
I just love how they're completely hiding your body shape.
Mmm hmm.
Oh, you know, and if you buy them, they come with three matching pairs for free.
Oh, cool.
Guys? Really, I love them, but I'm really not sure about them.
I mean, I just don't know if they're, like, a great fit.
Yeah, those are the ex-husband jeans.
Most people find them disappointing.
Yeah, I just I want them to work so badly.
I want them to work so badly, but they just don't.
Listen, um, if you don't want to wear them, do you mind if I try them? Karen, how dare you? What? I wouldn't wear them right away like I'd wait a couple months.
Oh my god! Not cool, Karen.
Not cool, Karen.
Not cool.
Karen! I would never wear them around you! - Janet! - What? Janet, it's okay, honey.
It's okay.
- Janet? - Okay, just you come in.
Janet? No, Karen.
Oh, so you don't want them, but nobody else can wear the jeans that finally make them happy? You put on slutty cousin jeans once, and everybody freaks out.
Hi, is that cash or debit? Ah, debit, please.
Okay, go ahead.
Um, yeah, nothing's coming up on the screen.
Oh, sorry, it's acting up lately.
Can you not move it? Oh, okay.
Just press harder on the keys.
Okay, but, it's still just not showing anything.
Okay, can you breathe on it? Breathe on the card? Okay.
Alright, wait.
Did you wipe it? - No.
-Okay, wipe it.
Wiggle the card.
- Uh, still nothing's happen - Wiggle.
Just wiggle the card.
Yeah? Okay, no, nothing.
Wiggle the cord.
Cord? No.
Okay, both, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
- Same time? - Same time.
- Just, give 'er.
-Like that? Just uh, uh.
Can you do that? Uh, uh.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
It does nothing.
Okay, stop.
- I need you to talk to it.
-Why? Because it's voice-activated.
I forgot to tell you that.
If you could just talk to it for me.
Oh, okay.
Um, hi, I'm just doing a transaction.
My name is Donna.
You have to tell it, like, what you're doing.
I'm inserting card.
A little bit more information.
Buying groceries.
Because? I need to eat.
Oh, gosh, we really-you really need to help me out here.
You can do better.
You can do way better.
Look, I-I just got fired, and corn is my comfort food.
So, if you could just, let me make my transaction.
Why don't you talk to it like it's a loved one that you wish was here.
If you could do that? Mom, I wish you were still here.
Sing to her.
Sing to Mama.
Mama I had a bad week Uh, uh, to ya Mom This um doesn't even work.
It's not-it's not plugged in.
I'm gonna take the corn.
Next! It's cash only.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh How'd everyone sleep? - Really well.
-Yeah? Like a log.
I didn't sleep as well as I And to wake up here? How fantastic.
I know, well, we're happy to have you.
Who wants a Caesar? It's 10 o'clock in the morning.
Well, we're at the cottage! Come on, it's noon somewhere, right babe? - That's so funny.
-I'll have one.
I will take one of those.
Oh yeah.
Are you? Oh? We're at the cottage.
Oh, come on! We're at the cottage! Come on.
Oh, okay, we'll have a Caesar.
We'll have a Caesar! Right on.
It's women.
Just-just let it slide.
We're at the cottage.
We're at the cottage, huh? Oh, we dropped a lemon.
Brian! I've only seen that in movies.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You kiss whenever you want.
Okay? We're at the cottage.
Thank you.
For making me feel so comfortable at your home.
It's the cottage, I mean, it's the dream.
You know? Livin' the dream.
Who's up for a swimmy-poo? Oh, you know I am, baby! - Girls? -It's women.
I would love to go swimming, but I forgot to pack my bathing suit.
You didn't bring your bathing suit to the cottage? Well, Brian! She didn't bring her bathing suit to the cottage! She didn't bring her bathing suit to the cottage? What? It's alright, hon.
You can borrow one of mine.
I've got plenty upstairs.
I'm gonna go for a swim.
I'm gonna dive in.
Do you want me to go with you? I think I need a little bit of time just me.
Oh, oh oh.
Look out for the water snakes.
You have water snakes here? He's joking.
There's no water snakes at the cottage.
Brian! Alright, who wants to get in the hot tub? Oh, yes.
There's nothing like a hot soak at the cottage.
I don't know.
My bathing suit's still wet from before and I don't know if I want to get back into it.
Bathing suit? Who wears a bathing suit in the hot tub? Eew.
I don't know if I want to get naked with Brian in the hot tub.
Let it slide.
We're at the cottage! Attagirl.
It's women.
Maybe we should eat dinner first.
A whole plate of chips and guac, right here.
We've had a lot to drink, though.
And now, we gonna smoke a lot, my little friends.
Brian! Where did you get that doobie? Ask me no question, I tell you no lie, Frau Donna.
German accent.
It's just so stupid! I don't know.
I don't know.
I-I haven't smoked since college.
I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know! Oh, come on.
Come on! We're at the cottage! We're at the cottage! Okay, yeah.
Smoke a little doobie.
Drink a vodkie! Have a little soakie.
Then it's boom, boom, boom, in the hot tub.
Boom, boom, boom, in the hot tub.
Boom, boom, boom, in the guacamole! Boom, boom, boom, in the chips! It's boom, boom That's too far? - Yep.
Yeah just a little.
Yeah, that's way too far.
Oh I'm sorry, I was thinking, 'cause we're at the cottage! Woman 3; Nope.
What did you think was gonna happen? I don't.
go, hello! Oh man! Hey! What are you doing? That is not how you cross the street! Where's your phone? You need these on.
Okay, eyes on your phone, there you go! Keep your eye on that phone.
This is your time!
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