Baskets (2016) s02e05 Episode Script


1 [Tires screech.]
Hey, Mom.
Chip's in prison in Camarillo.
You need to go bail him out.
- I'm giving you six months probation.
- [Gavel slams.]
- Should we go home, Chip? - Yeah, Mama.
So I was wondering if you'd like to go see a movie with me tonight.
Dale, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can go out with you again.
Are you okay? You don't know when a man's making a pass at you? - You're drunk.
- I regret everything I've done, okay? Go home and go to sleep, Dale.
[Weatherman on TV, indistinct.]
[TV clicks off.]
[Bag rustling.]
[Bottle clatters.]
Trisha, I'm going to take the rest of the day off.
- [Door opens.]
- Okay.
The dog days are over The dog days are done The horses are coming [Horn honks.]
They have selfie sticks? The thing you showcase your life with? Run fast for your mother Run fast for your father Run for your children And for your sisters and your brothers Leave all your love and your longing behind you You can't carry it with you if you want to survive The dog days are over The dog days are done Can't you hear the horses [Cries out.]
Caught me in the middle of my workout.
Scared me to death, Mom.
Hey, Chip.
How you doin', Dale? Where are my kittens? They love the sound of that can opening.
- [Cat yowls.]
- Oh! Right on cue! Ronald Reagan! Will Ferrell! You so hungry.
Dale: Yeah, so I just, you know, decided I'd do a life change.
- That's good.
- Trying to make a better me.
You know, for Dale and for the United States.
- Mmm.
- So As Florence Machine says, "The dog days are over.
" The dog days of summer are over.
No, the dog days are over, Mom.
- Are they? - Yep.
- I like it.
- What does that even mean? You wouldn't get it.
It's not for people like you.
It's political music.
Well, I'm just happy to have my boys home.
I'm gonna plan us a family dinner.
Let's see what we have.
Ah! I'm gonna have to make a run to Costco! - Who's with me? - That's a pass on this end.
Oh! Chip? - No, thanks.
- All right.
- Well, be good.
- Okay, Mama.
[Shutter snaps.]
So, did you find Islam in the clink? I'm just gonna go upstairs and take a shower, okay? You're free to do whatever you want, Malcolm X.
Hi, Joe.
Oh! Oh, what do we have here? We're doing pizza kits today.
Pizza kits? - All the ingredients in one.
- You're kidding.
- This is it.
- It's organic.
It's a great activity for kids.
Oh, I've got two boys at home who'll go wild for this.
- How old? - Oh, who knows.
- Boys eat a lot.
You know that.
- Yeah.
That way, you know, you got one for each boy.
- Two? All right.
- At least.
And if you wanna just be safe, I'd take three, you know.
- Why not? - You have them for another day.
- It's a very special night.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
- That's wonderful.
- It's a family night.
- Family nights are special.
- Let me take one more.
- You should, one for the road.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- You enjoy your night.
- Organic, huh? - It's good for you.
- I love that! - [Laughs.]
are done Can't you hear the horses 'Cause here they come Dale: The dog days are over The dog days are done Dale, can you please turn that down! I'm trying to sleep! Oh, does baby need his nap? - Dale - If baby needs his nap, then baby just needs to say so.
- Baby needs his nap.
- Ha! You're a baby! That's disgusting! Fine, I'll turn it down.
- Good.
- [Volume lowers.]
[Whirring continues.]
[Whirring continues.]
God Almighty! Do you know how many Goji berries were in there? You owe me 23 dollars.
Don't throw another one.
- What's that? - How dare you! That drink was gonna turn my life around! Dale, don't panic.
You're gonna shit your pants just like you did at the Nazarella's birthday party at the beginning of the birthday song.
That was two years ago, and it was a nervous stomach! Wish I never had a twin brother.
[Doorbell chimes.]
- Hey! - [Fabric tears.]
Dale! Dale, Dale, no.
- Little flossin', huh? - [Fabric rips.]
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [Cries out.]
[Ringtone chiming.]
[Dale shouting indistinctly.]
That's for the underwear.
Chip! Chip! You smashed my phone and you just go disappear again.
Making everybody feel sorry for the poor criminal.
Meanwhile no one gives two shits about the good guy! Frickin' me! Chippie.
Two can play at this game.
You wanna wait it out.
I'm fine with that.
I'm just gonna be out here.
"Ice Age"? Is that a Pixar movie? - Oh, it's an animated movie.
- Oh.
What's a good movie nowadays? - Uh, "Star Wars.
" - Oh, "Star Wars.
" I think they've seen that.
We're having a family night tonight.
- Oh.
- Looking for something to do.
Board games are great for family night.
- Hmm, that's a great idea.
- Yeah.
You got, like, so many choices.
There's, like, Risk, if you want to go on a grand adventure or something.
The Game of Life, I'm already playing that.
Ain't that the truth.
- Connect Four? - There you go.
- That's interesting.
- Oh, is that checkers? It's kind of like checkers but standing up.
- Oh, I don't want that.
- Yeah, it's stupid.
What do your kids like? Well, one's competitive, and one's very creative.
Go figure.
- Oh.
- They sound really smart.
Um, how about Cranium? I'll take it.
Just throw it in there.
- All right.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Have a fun game night.
"Cranium" it is.
We will.
- All right, excellent.
- Thank you.
Take care.
Here's your dumb monocycle.
There we go.
Plus I rubbed my feet on everything that you own, so everything that you own smells like feet.
- I also farted on your socks.
- Did you? I farted on your dirty socks, so your dirty socks smell like dirty socks and farts.
Dale, good for you.
Anyway, I'm gonna take a nap.
La-di-da! Look at me! I'm Chip Baskets! I'm a French trained clown.
I like to stick french fries up my ass.
I'm not appreciative of my twin brother, because I'm too selfish! Hey! Don't hurt me! Chip, you're a piece of shit.
Get over, you fat pig! - [Muttering.]
- Hi, Mr.
Everything okay? Everything's fine, Mr.
- Okay, your mom home? - No, she's out! Okay, well, tell her I noticed her sprinklers were going off in the middle of the day, - and we're in a drought.
- Thank you.
We don't need a lecture right now during a family emergency.
You don't have to apologize to me, apologize to the state of California.
Okay! Go back into your stupid video games and your child porn.
Your butt is mine! Your ass is grass, son! [Scanner beeping.]
It says declined.
Declined? Let me try it again.
" [Chuckles.]
Still says declined.
Well, that can't be right.
Let me call the bank.
So your billing indicates you did some recent out of the ordinary travel, so your account was flagged.
Uh, yes, I went to Camarillo.
It was, uh, lovely.
Apparently there was a $10,000 hold for, it says here, bail at a prison? Yes, yes, yes.
Good to know that was you.
We'll notify you shortly when your card is up and running.
- Sorry for the inconvenience.
- Thank you.
We cherish our customer service, so if you wouldn't mind - Hi, Martha.
- Oh, hi, Mrs.
How did you get in here? Walked.
Well, um, it's good to see you.
I never been backstage at Costco before.
It's fantastic.
You work here? Whoo! Anyway, I just have some snafu with my credit card.
You know, modern chips, and sliding them, and - [Groans.]
- Oh.
So I thought, "What about this?" Come back.
- Take Martha to lunch! - Oh, wow.
That's really nice, Mrs.
Baskets, but I'm actually working right now.
These people don't care if you go have lunch.
You guys don't care, do you? See? They don't care.
I heard a yes.
Martha, the hot dog patio right now is beautiful.
Come on, let's have a little fun.
You know that song, "Girls Gotta Have Fun"? Uh.
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"? Yeah, that was it.
- Okay.
- Yay! Come on! Okay, great.
Let me get my stuff.
You ruin everything, don't you? This remind you of childhood? Chasing you around a table, 'cause you always screw thing up? Martha was gonna be my girlfriend until you came along.
Dale, she was my friend first.
- Martha's a woman that needs.
- No, she's not.
Oh, yes, she is.
Because when we were doing the old in-and-out, she loved it.
I also had sex with your little Frenchie wife.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
I pretended to be you and had sex with her.
Now I know you're lying.
She would never have sex with me.
Well, that's just sad, Chip.
Yeah, I know.
That's really sad.
Well, I had sex with your wife, Nicole.
What do you think about that? You had sex with Nicole? No, obviously that's not true.
I just You like to joke around, do you? [Screams.]
How could you do this to me? My life is not some kind of joke! - Dale! - Not a joke! Dale! Dale! [Shouting indistinctly.]
You're dislodging the toilet! [Screaming.]
Shit water! Oh, my god! God damn it! Martha, can you keep a secret? Um, no, I'm actually a bit of a snitch.
Who cares? I met someone.
- You have a boyfriend? - Oh, no, nothing like that.
But there was a vibe.
What kind of vibe? Well, went to the Ronald Reagan Library, and he put his hand on my back.
- Wow.
- What? That usually means they want to get naked with you.
I'm so out of the dating scene.
I didn't know that meant that.
Well, I read a lot of magazines, so I'm probably more of an expert than most people who actually date.
You know, Martha, you make everything very clear to me.
Come around more often.
I miss you.
I don't think that's a good idea.
I think Chip's mad at me.
Oh, you don't worry about Chip.
When a boy is mean to a girl, it means he likes her.
Um, Mrs.
Baskets, it's really not like that.
Okay, Martha.
Keep your little secrets.
I don't care.
Threw my whole life away to go see a Pixar movie with Martha! Dale! God! Yes, sir.
I'm having a toilet emergency.
- If there's anybody there - Little Dale.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- Hey, Little Dale.
I failed you, Little Dale.
Dale? Again, I'm sorry.
Okay? Big Dale, you're an idiot.
A goddamn idiot! Dale, don't be so hard on your yourself.
You shut up.
Super glue ain't gonna fix that! I've ruined my family just like dad ruined ours.
It's okay, Dale.
- It's okay.
- [Cat yowls.]
- Kitty cat! - Hey! Hey! - Kitty cat! - [Glass shatters.]
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Look up in the trees.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! [Whistles.]
Which one was it.
Anyway? - Uh, Ronald Reagan.
- Ronald Reagan.
Good gosh.
What did you do with the other one? I put Will Ferrell in Cody and Logan's room.
Well, I hope the cat just takes a pee-pee all over their room.
Speaking of which, Mom is gonna be pissed.
You know, like when Dad was in one of his moods? That kind of pissed.
We'll find the cat, okay, Dale? Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, why don't we talk about Dad.
You know Oh, my God! What is that gonna do? That's a giant waste of time.
I just think that we should maybe start talking about him a bit.
Ronald Reagan! Ronald Reagan! Ronald Reagan! [Phone chimes.]
Oh, my card's back.
Oh, well, thank you for the hot dog.
Oh, Martha, it was $1.
Thank you for spending time with me.
Well, I like spending time with you.
- You do? - Yeah.
Why? Well, for one thing, you always have something to say.
- I do, don't I? - Yeah.
Oh, Martha, I like you a whole lot more than I like that Penelope.
- Really? - Yeah, sure.
You get along with your parents.
You're a smart dresser.
You work at Costco.
You're the complete package, Martha.
And don't let anyone tell you any different.
- Um, well I - Bye! Probably will.
Ronald Reagan! Hey, pull over there.
Right there, just for a second.
Well, I don't think we're gonna find the cat out here.
You ever come out to this spot? Can't say that I have.
Yeah, Dad just accidentally fell off the bridge whilst he was admiring the river's beauty.
Nice try, Mom.
I believed it.
Well, you're dumber than you look.
It's okay to be angry.
I'm not angry! I'm not angry, I'm just full of beans.
I've always been full of beans.
So many goddamn beans.
I don't even [Sputtering.]
[Thumping, horn honking.]
I might be a little angry, okay? But you'd be angry, too, if you were living in the real world.
You know, you're out, you know, believing in fairy tales and spreading your emotional diarrhea all over this great country of ours, while I'm doing business.
Real life stuff! I'm running errands.
I'm getting gasoline.
I'm going to the store.
I'm buying Mom flip-flops when I have to go buy her flip-flops.
I mean, what are you thinking, jumping on trains like Bob Dylan or something? Those choo-choos can be really, really dangerous.
- It was stupid, Dale.
- Yeah, it was stupid.
It's just dangerous.
It makes me nervous.
It makes me upset! You're my only brother.
Except those other ones.
It was a mistake.
[Cat yowls.]
- There's that little pussy.
- Okay.
Okay, let's go.
Ronald Reagan! - Ronald Reagan! - Ronald Reagan! - Ronald Reagan! - Ronald Reagan! - Ronald Reagan! - Ronald Reagan! - Ronald Reagan! - Ronald Reagan! Ronald Reagan! He likes my voice better.
What are you doing? Don't Okay, okay.
Ronald Reagan.
Ronald Reagan! Don't jump.
The cat almost did what Daddy did.
Ronald Reagan! [Sighs.]
Ronald Reagan! - Oh, I've got an idea.
- What? - Where are you going? - I'll be back.
[Insect buzzing.]
Don't open a fresh can of balls unless you plan on doing something with it.
He's not gonna eat tennis balls.
That's for dogs.
Dogs like tennis balls.
Cats don't like Look at that.
Great job.
You've been a naughty boy, Ronald Reagan.
Just like the guy he's named after.
Good job, Dale.
Nice work yourself, Chip.
Nice work, Ronald Reagan.
Hey, Ronald.
He's bossy.
I'm home.
Hey! We found the cat!