Baskets (2016) s04e05 Episode Script

1 MRS.
BASKETS: So, because I am going to Denver with my fiancé Ken, who's having some carpet issues right now, I'd like to take this opportunity to make a transfer of power from me, Christine Baskets, to my Chippy as the new CEO of Baskets Rodeo.
Hoo, hoo, hoo! - Thanks, everybody.
- But don't worry.
Because I've installed all these cameras so that I can keep an eye on things from Denver.
How about that Internet, isn't it crazy? I've ordered a neti pot that's gonna be at my house when I get home.
(LAUGHS) So crazy.
Oh, and guess what? - I got you some business cards.
- Oh, look at that.
- MRS.
BASKETS: Yes.
- CHIP: Why does it have a wrench on it? Because you're a hard worker.
Speech.
Let's hear some applause.
Speech! Speech! - Words of wisdom! - Hoo, ho, ho! CHIP: Thanks, Mom.
Okay.
Uh, I'd like to thank, uh, first and foremost, I'd like to thank my mother, - um, who - MRS.
BASKETS: I've got to go, honey.
I'm going to the airport, but keep it going.
Listen to him, he's got words to say.
EDDIE: Okay, everybody back to work.
I had more of a speech.
Do you guys want to hear it? No, I don't.
You? Nah, I'm good.
- No.
- Fair enough.
Okay.
"You Alive" youth conference.
Where are my notes on tha Okay, yeah.
So you guys just want to rent the arena for just the one evening, - correct? - Yes.
Yes.
And, uh, you're gonna do a talent show? - That's right.
- In the arena? Y-You have to see it.
It's amazing.
I mean, these Some of these kids are so talented.
Some of them are are awful.
But-but most of them are really, really good.
Okay, great.
I just need you to sign some insurance waivers, they're just standard insurance waivers.
- What is it "accidents"? - Yeah.
Well, you know, if there's any paraphernalia that someone gets hit by, like, a crucifix, or you know, maybe a Bible fight breaks out.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
- Um, here's my business card.
- Uh-huh.
In case you need me.
It has my phone number, even with the area code.
Hey, you seem to be really taking kind of a leadership role with this.
Well, I'm a CEO now.
Uh - (DANIEL CHUCKLES) - Chief E Chief E.
O.
You know, Chip, I-I'm very, very excited for you.
- I'm very impressed.
(CHUCKLES) - Well that means a lot coming from you, Reverend.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.
So I guess, uh, done deal.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay, all right.
And let me know if you ever need a CEO I will.
- at the church.
Great.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Wonderful.
(GROANS) - Mm-hmm.
Oh - (CHAIR CLATTERS) - Got it.
Shit! (ITEMS CLATTERING) - Had a number two pencil - Oh.
- Yeah, um - There it is.
That's actually mine I-it's okay.
It's okay.
Yeah, abso whoa.
Monica? CHRISTINE: They just leave the door open? Well, you can do that in this neighborhood.
Monica? - Well, hello.
Look at you! - Oh, Monica! - Oh - How are you? it's so nice to see you.
Nice oh, and hi, hi, Dad.
- Hello.
- Aw.
- Oh, good to see you, too.
- You, too.
I wish it was under better circumstances.
Well, I think, for the moment, we have everything under control.
Then we'll just hear more about it in the morning, so (INHALES SHARPLY) in the meantime, - let me grab your bags.
- Okay.
'Cause I have the room all set up.
- Oh, how lovely.
- Yeah.
Well, since we don't have a carpet emergency until tomorrow, why don't you put on something nice, honey? What's up? Why? It's a surprise.
Oh! Ken! (THUDDING) Hello? (THUDDING CONTINUES) Okay, well, um Hello? (BOYS LAUGHING, CHATTING) Hey! - Go.
Go.
Go.
- Hey, how did you kids - get in here? - Shut up, - old man.
- Excuse me?! I'm not an old man.
- (BOYS LAUGH) - Hey, guys, stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
Hold on.
Listen, I'm cool.
I'm not that old.
You know? I'm in my mid-to-very-late 40s, and, uh But I was once your age.
So-so I get it.
I can relate.
School sucks.
It does.
Mom's always yelling at you.
"Turn that Sheryl Crow music down!" Right? But I've improved myself.
I've picked myself up by the bootstraps.
I've been listening to these these self-help tapes, and I'd love to sit you fellas down and maybe, you know, talk to you about why you're acting out and - You're dumb.
- (BOYS LAUGH) Let's go.
Hey, nice tie.
Hey.
Uh, hey, guys? Hey, guys? Just think about what I said! (COUNTRY SONG PLAYING) Hey, Carpet King.
- Hey, how are you, sir? - Good.
- Fine.
Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Howdy, ma'am.
- Who's that, the mayor? - Oh, I don't know.
People just recognize me from the commercials.
Been doing them for so many years.
- Oh, so good.
- Mmm.
- Enjoying it? - I love it.
- The music.
The food.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
I can't believe you ordered snake.
- It's a rattler.
- Mmm.
(CHUCKLES) Have you tried the-the buffalo? It's tasty.
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
- Oh.
- Ken, is that you? - Donna, it is so good to see you.
- Oh! (CHUCKLES) KEN: Oh, my goodness, me.
- DONNA: Does this mean you're back? - Oh, no.
No, no, I'm just in town for a bit to help the girls.
Carpet stuff.
Damn.
Thought we got you back.
- (KEN CHUCKLES) - Denver's just not the same - without its carpet king.
- Aw.
Oh, Christine.
This is my dear friend, Donna.
- Hi, Donna.
- This is her place.
- Oh, I love it.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, my goodness.
It's so - Thank you very much.
You have any boar? (KEN AND DONNA LAUGH) I've known Ken since the '70s.
- KEN: Mm-hmm.
Oh! - Wow.
Christine is my beautiful bride-to-be.
- MRS.
BASKETS: Oh.
- DONNA: Are you kidding? Well, that's amazing! (CHUCKLES): I never thought anybody would get him.
But you did it, finally.
I guess you could say I bagged him, Donna.
(LAUGHTER) - Dinner's on us.
- Oh, Donna.
I'm gonna send over a bottle of champagne.
Oh, how kind.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, Miss Baskets, may I have this dance? Bells toll at free home And time a-runnin' around I feel like I'm in some sort of a fairy tale.
Maybe you are.
Be in that town Let me see these.
These beans are eight years old.
I have given you and your dad a lot of Internet.
Tell your dad not one more megabyte of Internet if he keeps bringing me expired beans.
My Lord.
- (KEYS CLACKING) - Dear diary, had another encounter with the bean boy.
Oh, well, look who it is! The mascot from the Men's Wearhouse.
Well, I'm running the rodeo without Mom now.
(EXHALES) You? (SIGHS) I mean, if Mom wanted to destroy the rodeo, she could've at least burned it down for the insurance money.
- Yeah.
- That makes sense.
Hey, Dale, you have a lot of stuff here.
Do you have any barbed wire, chains, or locks that I could borrow? I have a lot of stuff here, yeah.
Why? Well, Reverend Kwon has rented the rodeo for a youth conference for one night, and they're having a talent show, and I just wanted to beef up security.
Why? Was there an incident? No.
Are you sure? 'Cause it sounds like - there was a incident.
- Well, okay, some skater kids broke in last night and they were just messing around.
Skater kids? Damn this youth culture.
- Yeah, it's not a big deal, though.
- Yeah, it is a big deal.
I know this Bakersfield trash and all they want to do is take away the fun from these good Christian kids.
Yeah, I just wanted to secure the gates a little bit more, that's all.
I'll tell you what.
You're not very competent, right? I think everybody can agree on that.
I'm gonna help you with these twerps.
- No, I-I don't, I don't need your help.
- Listen.
I think I can help you, I mean, I'm trying to shift my life a little bit, but I-I can't let the family business just be this vulnerable.
All right? And you're dealing with wild teenagers, so you're gonna need a wild man to deal with them.
And I'll throw in the chains and the barbed wire and the locks for free.
Okay? Deal? - Okay.
- Okeydokey.
See you at the rodeo.
(WHISPERING): I'm looking forward to it.
Okay, where was I? Oh, beans.
Does anybody have any white-out? MAN: Yeah! White power! No, I said white-out, not white power.
DALE: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Watch out for the booby trap, please.
What? What is all this? It's a booby trap.
So what I have is a trip line there and it's going right up to that pulley, that pulley takes it to that pulley, and the rope goes all the way to this box, and if you hit the trip wire there, this cinder will come and smack you right in the face.
- (CHUCKLES) - Dale, we're gonna catch them okay? We're not gonna kill them.
Then why'd I bring all my guns? I mean, this is a "stand your ground" situation.
Because we just want to teach them a lesson.
Teach them a lesson? Chip, you are naive.
The only lesson that these kids understand is a cinderblock to the face.
(DALE CHUCKLES) Okay, I'll see you around, Dale.
Have a good one.
Well, that would've hurt, wouldn't it have? Yeah, that would've killed me.
What? Dale? Oh, God! Oh, those two.
- Well, we're here.
- Oh! - Oh, my God, you're a giant.
- (KEN CHUCKLES) Is that even legal? We're not talking total recall here? No, no, no.
We're a long way from recall.
Yeah.
Don't even say recall, don't even speak that word.
I'll be just a minute, honey.
("MAKING EYES" BY DAVID LAWRENCE & ROBERT CHANEY PLAYING) (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) Berber.
Private? Hmm.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) KEN: Christine? Ken? Ah.
- I'm snooping.
- There you are.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Oh, what's all this? Well, when I first got into the business, I kind of held back some of the high-end stuff for myself.
This is genuine Moroccan Alpaca.
I got it at Salt Lake at an auction in the '90s.
Auction? Kenny, you at an auction? Oh, my God.
Well, I mean, there is an art to it.
Yeah, the, uh, the home and business carpeting, that's my bread and butter, but this? Oh, this is my passion.
That's why it's gonna be - so hard to turn it loose.
- Huh.
You know, I don't think the girls are gonna be able to join us for lunch.
They have so much to do here, but we better get going.
Gloria is probably almost there.
Gloria? Your ex-wife? Oh, Christine, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
She heard we were in town and she really wanted to meet you.
So we better get going if we're gonna get there by 1:00.
I'll meet you out front.
Okay.
The right purchase order? DALE: I've been staking the place for about an hour and I can't find your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds.
- Where are the teenagers? - Dale, I don't know.
I mean, for all I know they-they I scared them off last night.
Now leave me alone.
I've got some work to do for the Youth Conference tomorrow.
Chip, when are you gonna take this stuff seriously? I mean, there's been a breach, I think, here, - and it's important that - (METALLIC CLANG) What was that? Let me check the security camera.
You have surveillance on there? Oh, look at this.
(CHUCKLING): Oh, yeah, right where I want 'em.
Let's go get 'em.
- (SPRAY PAINTING) - (CHUCKLING): Yeah.
I mean, what bothers me about it it's in broad daylight.
These Bakersfield kids have no couth.
None.
- (BOYS LAUGHING) - BOY: You like that? - Okay, what's the plan? - The plan is, you wouldn't let me bring my gun, so I had to go to the hen house to get some weaponry.
Move.
- Dale! - Move! Hey! How do you like your eggs, boys? - Whoa! We got to go.
- How do you like your eggs? You better run, you street urchins! Run! - (CHUCKLING): Oh, yeah! - They're kids, Dale.
I'll strike you and your parents! (CHUCKLES): Oh! What are you gonna do now, son? Huh? You want to dance, do you? - Do you want to dance? Huh? - Dale.
- Dale, put the eggs down.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Not now, Chip.
- Whoa, there's two of 'em? - What are you gonna do now? - (CHUCKLES): Oh.
Oh.
- Dale.
- Come on, let's go! - (BOYS SHOUTING) - Move, Chip! - (GROANS) - You better run! You pieces of shit! - Go, go, go, go! Go! Run! (SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) (QUIETLY): Booby trap was a bust.
(SIGHS) Well, you were no help, Chip! That's for sure.
That's how it's done, son.
Right there.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, Dale, I'm fine.
Well, this is war.
- (LAUGHING) - (LAUGHS) And that's when you used to drag us every year on those ski trips.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, Monica and Ivy loved it.
Are you kidding? They used to spend the entire day with me in the lodge while he was out skiing.
He's a great skier.
Did he tell you that? No.
I'll be back.
Restroom.
You still do that.
He can't stand compliments.
- Mm.
- (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) So, um (CLEARS THROAT) How-how is the house coming along? The house is fine.
You know, you can ask me anything.
I know you set this little rendezvous up.
- What-what do you mean? - I mean Well, he's gone to urinate.
Now you can ask me anything you want about myself or why I'm here or how I swooped in and took your place.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Christine, I'm-I'm sure Ken forgot to tell you that we were having lunch today.
(SCOFFS) That's just like Ken.
I-I'm so sorry, Christine.
I-I'm sure this must really be awkward for you.
Well, I thought I mean, I I-I didn't know why you'd want to meet me.
Well, I've heard so much about you.
And I really wanted you to know that there's absolutely no, no bad blood at all between Ken and I.
We just didn't work as a couple.
We work great as friends.
But you? You guys work great as a couple.
Oh.
I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, don't be.
Don't be.
I don't know.
Just the other day, I was in Bakersfield, and now I'm in Denver.
And I'm with the Carpet King - and his ex-wife.
- (CHUCKLES) And the air is so damn thin here, - I can hardly think.
- (LAUGHS) (BOTH CHUCKLE) To think, I was gonna spray you - with my pepper spray.
- (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Well, listen, I'm glad we cleared that up.
Well, I probably would have ended up spraying myself.
This, this meat could have used some more pepper.
(BOTH LAUGH) - You don't like the place? - There's no seasoning.
- Well, it's Denver.
- Well, it's Denver.
Listen, I'm I'm so glad to meet you.
You really are lovely.
Thank you, Gloria.
Anyone he's willing to leave Denver for has got to be amazing.
He loves it here.
Thank you.
DANIEL (IN DISTANCE): Chip? Hey, Chip? - Hey! - Oh, hey! Yes, oh, hi, Reverend Kwon, how are you, Father? Things are great.
Listen, um, are we on track for the talent show tomorrow night? Yeah.
Everything's on track.
And nobody's gonna disturb the performances whatsoever.
Okay.
Chip? Big news: we're livestreaming this.
- Oh, I love a livestream.
- (LAUGHS): Yeah! Listen, I got to get back there.
There's 2,000 kids tearing a hole in an assistant youth pastor as we speak.
Uh, but, uh, I will see you tomorrow night, okay? Okay.
Thank you, Dad uh, Father.
Looks good.
Keep it up! - Oh, that cobbler.
- Right? Um, you're welcome.
Oh, I'll need that recipe.
Well, I'll-I'll be sure to fax it to you.
- (LAUGHTER) - CHRISTINE: Hey, girls, what exactly is a carpet emergency? Oh, it's the new stain repellent on this low-pile industrial carpeting.
You know how they say that to get the stain up, you just need to dab at the carpet? - Yeah.
- Well, when you dab this one, it catches on fire.
- Oh.
That's not good.
- Right.
- Mm, no.
Mm-mm.
- KEN: Well, I just got off the phone - with Hank at the distributors.
- MONICA: Oh, don't even - Don't say nothing.
- It looks like it's gonna be a complete product recall.
There goes my weekends for the next two months.
- MONICA: Yeah.
- Christine, I'm sorry, but it looks like we're gonna have to be in Denver a lot longer than I thought.
Oh.
Well, yeah.
MONICA: Oh, well, you know, this just means that we get to have you a little bit longer.
- (CHUCKLES) - Yeah! Daddy home.
(SPRAY PAINT CANS RATTLING) - Dude, go, go, go, go! - Dude, come on, man! Let's go! (SKATEBOARD SCRAPING) Hey, guys? Guys? Look, I'm sorry to have to do this, but you're gonna have to learn a lesson.
There's something called, you know, personal responsibility, - and - (LAUGHTER) All right, bro.
(GATE CREAKS) Okay, who would like to get stabbed first? - Knife! - Get out of here, ya punks! CHIP: Dale, Dale, Dale Dale, Dale, Dale, Dale! Stop! - Just let me stab the children! - Stop.
Guys.
Dale.
Dale.
Come down, please.
- (PANTING) - DALE: You boys circumcised? Or you got those hippy wieners? - Huh? - We're sorry.
We know we shouldn't have broken in here.
We're just bored.
Okay? There's nothing to do.
Okay, I'm sorry, guys.
You okay? (SIGHS) All right, I have an idea.
Oh, God, what is it? What the hell is this? Oh, Dale.
Ugh, I don't have time for this tonight.
(SIGHS) Sorry we have to stick around, Christine.
Oh, I understand.
It's okay.
Something's bothering you.
- No.
- I swear, we I, I will only be here one, two weeks, tops.
It's not that.
It's just that Is it worth it? Is what worth it? Moving to Bakersfield.
You've got your family, you're the Carpet King, you practically know everybody.
And this city I mean, it's magical.
When I drove from the airport, it looked we were coming into Oz.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah, Denver is really a magical city, isn't it? I mean, that's, uh, that's what I'm asking you, Ken.
Is it worth it? Oh, Christine.
You are worth that and more.
- (SIGHS) - Thank you.
I think I saw Dale with a kn a knife or Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Never mind.
I don't know.
I don't know what I saw.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Oh, the Internet.
(LAUGHTER) - Look at this.
Not bad.
- BOYS: Yeah! Soon, I'll be doing one of those What are they called? Half-pipe? - (LAUGHTER) - This is a lot of good fun.
I'll get the hang of it.
- Oh (CHUCKLES) - Hey.
- What? - Dale, can I just Guys, I just wanted to say, uh it's a pleasure to know you, and uh, good luck in your adult lives, and, uh, growing up to be men.
- DALE: Hear, hear.
- BOYS: Cheers.
DANIEL: Keenan! Gerran! Esteban! Wha What are you doing? Do you know how many people are looking for you? You get back to the hotel right now! Right now! I am calling your mothers! DALE: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
(CHUCKLES) You know those guys? They're from "You Alive.
" The-the conference? - They're my kids.
- Those are the kids from "You Alive"? The-The youth conference thing? They are 15 years old.
15.
15? Chip, you didn't tell me they were 15.
I I-I-I didn't I thought one of them looked old enough to be a doctor.
You guys are partying with minors.
That is a Class A felony.
Well, they were tagging up the-the stadium.
- Tagging up your place? - I mean (STAMMERING) What do you want me I mean, I just I was trying to compromise with them.
I was trying to show them that, you know, - I was willing to work with - DANIEL: Chip.
You have to grow up.
You have to You have to act your age.
- Okay? - (STAMMERING) Sorry, I You have to get it together.
(DALE LAUGHS) (BLOWS RASPBERRIES) Thank you, Rev! "You got to get it together!" Well, he sounds like a lot of people in your life.
(CHUCKLES) Doesn't he? Oh, my God, you just got told off by an Asian preacher.
I've heard about everything now.
(LAUGHS, SIGHS) Dale, I'm sorry for dragging you into this.
I-I didn't know that Oh, don't worry about it, I'm having a blast.
Really? That was a bad judgment call on my end.
I-I-I-I-I don't know what I was thinking.
Well, you were pretty good with those kids.
You were, you know? You're coming around, old boy.
(CHUCKLES) (TAKES DEEP BREATH) You're a good CEO.
Thank you, Dale.
Hey, can you toss me another beer? Yeah.
You need another one of these.
This will take a load off.
(CHUCKLES) You suck.
You should have caught that, that was right to you.
CHIP: I'll get it.
You really think I'm a good CEO? Sure, you're a great CEO.
I mean, I don't know what it means, but Thanks, Dale.
D'oh.
(GRUNTS) I can't drive you to the hospital, Chip.
I'm too wasted.
Hey, Pastor Dan!