Batman s01e35 Episode Script
Almost Got 'Im
I want a nice clean game, gentlemen.
That'll be a first.
So I hear you-know-who nailed the Mad Hatter last week.
No kidding.
He sure gets around, for one guy.
Yeah, well that's where you're wrong.
I don't think it is one guy.
The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace like a SWAT team.
He wants you to think it's one guy, but No, you're always seeing double.
It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger.
Perhaps an overanxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.
Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask.
No offense, Harv.
Just deal.
Well, you know what I think.
Not the robot theory again.
Well, he could be.
Hello, boys.
Get me an herbal tea and deal me in.
Scram, lady.
This is a private Why, you little Poison Ivy.
It's been a long time, Harvey.
You're still looking halfway decent.
- Half of me wants to strangle you.
- And what does the other half want? To hit you with a truck.
We used to date.
What such a brings a dainty dove to this dismal den? Running from the law.
And the Batman too, of course.
- Of course.
- Likewise.
- You got it.
- Same here.
You'd think one of us would've got him.
- I've come the closest.
- Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly Nobody's come closer to snuffing the Batman than me.
- In your dreams.
- Says you.
Get out of my face.
The fact of the matter is, we each have an "almost got him" Batman story.
I know mine's the best, but let's hear yours anyway.
I'd say, "Ladies first," but since we don't have any we'll start with you, Pam.
All right.
This happened last Halloween.
I had rigged hundreds of pumpkins to blow out poison-ivy gas when they were lit.
I knew Batman would show as soon as Gotham started scratching.
In fact, I was counting on it.
Trick or treat.
It's midnight, darling.
Time to unmask.
Poison gas.
It's just the darnedest thing.
I have this natural immunity against poisons, toxins the pain and suffering of others.
Go figure.
Bye.
And that's how I almost got him.
With exploding pumpkins.
I'd like to hear you do better.
You will, but I'm saving the best for last.
Can't be better than mine.
There was this time I had just robbed the Gotham Mint of 2 million in two-dollar bills.
Lucky for me, I brought along the Two-Ton Gang.
The coin says you lose, Batman.
Tie him up.
And just so you don't get any ideas We'll see how tough you are without your toys.
So, what happened next? I thought as long as I had Batman at my mercy he deserved a 50-50 chance.
Here's the deal.
The coin lands face down you'll be squashed flat.
It lands face up, it'll just break every bone in your body.
Hey, where's my coin? Anybody see where I? Oh, no.
No.
Launch it now.
Here.
I owe you a dollar.
And if it weren't for this blasted coin I would've got him.
Gee, that's too bad, Harv.
But I guess you'll always come in second.
Anyone else want a go? Me! There I was, holed up in this quarry when Batman came nosing around.
He was getting closer, closer - And? - I threw a rock at him.
So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny? It was a big rock.
They actually let him keep it.
- Whose deal is it? - Mine.
I find your middling machinations mildly diverting.
But for sheer criminal genius none surpasses my most recent ornithologically-inspired entoilment.
Smaller words, please.
You're losing Croc.
I let rumors circulate through the underworld of my plan to steal a pair of priceless breeding condors from the Gotham Zoo.
Sure enough, on the appointed night, guess who showed up.
Curses, I would grab the wrong umbrella.
Welcome, my ebon-winged adversary.
You have taken the bait as I knew you would.
Now, prepare to meet your end within my aviary of doom.
Aviary of what? Pengers, how corny can you get? Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls Anyway, there he was in my av Big birdhouse.
Beautiful, aren't they? Like glittering fragments of the rainbow.
By the way, that mist I sprayed on you is derived from the nectar these birds drink.
It's quite harmless.
But their poison-tipped beaks, however, are not.
A scratch or two will merely slow you down.
Three or four, and you'll get drowsy.
And after that, well, I wish I could say it's been nice knowing you.
Oh, well played.
Now to take a poison antidote from your miraculous belt.
And I suggest you do it quickly before my cassowary's razor-sharp talons rend you asunder.
Naturally, I had flown the coop by the time he escaped.
Still, I almost got him.
Not even close.
You see, the thing you're forgetting is that there are all sorts of ways to get someone.
Take my latest run-in with Batsy.
It was just last night, as the entire country was tuning in to its favorite talk show.
It's Late Night Gotham Live.
And here's the man who puts a smile on your face whether you want it or not: The Joker.
Good evening, folks.
I'm the Joker.
Living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show.
But it helps.
We've got a real treat for you, kids.
I ran into my first guest last night while making a withdrawal from the bank.
You know him as "the dark knight," but we prefer to think of him as history.
Here he is, the one and only Batman.
We're back with my extra-special guest.
So how's Robin? Moving right along.
You know, kids, we've got an item here no home should be without.
The laughter-activated electric chair.
Yes, sir, the merest titter or guffaw starts the chair's generator revving up towards maximum zappage.
Harley? But for a real demonstration, we're pumping our studio audience full of my patented laughing gas.
These yahoos will laugh at anything now, even the phone book.
Marvin Abbott, 555-8976.
Gerald Adams, 555-9011.
M.
J.
Addison, 555 Hey.
Show's over, Joker.
Catwoman, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for her.
Almost got him.
Yes, if not for that infatuated feline.
Oh, but that's the best part.
Once the chair went up I was out of there tout de suite.
Miss Kitty still wanted to play cat and mouse never dreaming I still had an ace up my sleeve.
And by golly, speaking of aces, lookie here.
- I can't believe his luck.
- Oh, darn.
Let me see those cards.
Now, now, no sore losers.
Hey, I don't get it.
You just knocked out Catwoman and left her? Oh, come on, Crockers, didn't I say there's more than one way to get someone? Even as I speak, Catwoman is being trussed up at the Pussykins Pet Food factory.
First thing tomorrow, I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman.
I don't think so.
Was it something I said? Well, well.
An imposter in our midst.
Risking everything for your kitty, Batman? You're not getting out of this one.
Maybe.
But I'm not bad with traps myself.
I had a kitty once.
You know, they don't always land on their feet.
Look on the bright side.
Tomorrow, you'll be feeding hundreds of hungry cats.
The fun starts as soon as Mr.
J comes back.
Don't wait up.
Back off, Bats, or say "ciao" to your girlfriend.
Cat chow, that is.
That's a good little rodent.
And just to make sure you don't follow me Gee, Batman, what you gonna do, kick me around or save your kitten? You've only got time for one.
Good call.
Help.
Thanks for coming after me.
I owed you.
I'd like to think our relationship isn't restricted to saving each other from freaks and weirdoes.
And that maybe we'd have a place for each other without Gotham, without the freaks maybe without masks.
Maybe.
Almost got him.
That'll be a first.
So I hear you-know-who nailed the Mad Hatter last week.
No kidding.
He sure gets around, for one guy.
Yeah, well that's where you're wrong.
I don't think it is one guy.
The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace like a SWAT team.
He wants you to think it's one guy, but No, you're always seeing double.
It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger.
Perhaps an overanxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.
Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask.
No offense, Harv.
Just deal.
Well, you know what I think.
Not the robot theory again.
Well, he could be.
Hello, boys.
Get me an herbal tea and deal me in.
Scram, lady.
This is a private Why, you little Poison Ivy.
It's been a long time, Harvey.
You're still looking halfway decent.
- Half of me wants to strangle you.
- And what does the other half want? To hit you with a truck.
We used to date.
What such a brings a dainty dove to this dismal den? Running from the law.
And the Batman too, of course.
- Of course.
- Likewise.
- You got it.
- Same here.
You'd think one of us would've got him.
- I've come the closest.
- Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly Nobody's come closer to snuffing the Batman than me.
- In your dreams.
- Says you.
Get out of my face.
The fact of the matter is, we each have an "almost got him" Batman story.
I know mine's the best, but let's hear yours anyway.
I'd say, "Ladies first," but since we don't have any we'll start with you, Pam.
All right.
This happened last Halloween.
I had rigged hundreds of pumpkins to blow out poison-ivy gas when they were lit.
I knew Batman would show as soon as Gotham started scratching.
In fact, I was counting on it.
Trick or treat.
It's midnight, darling.
Time to unmask.
Poison gas.
It's just the darnedest thing.
I have this natural immunity against poisons, toxins the pain and suffering of others.
Go figure.
Bye.
And that's how I almost got him.
With exploding pumpkins.
I'd like to hear you do better.
You will, but I'm saving the best for last.
Can't be better than mine.
There was this time I had just robbed the Gotham Mint of 2 million in two-dollar bills.
Lucky for me, I brought along the Two-Ton Gang.
The coin says you lose, Batman.
Tie him up.
And just so you don't get any ideas We'll see how tough you are without your toys.
So, what happened next? I thought as long as I had Batman at my mercy he deserved a 50-50 chance.
Here's the deal.
The coin lands face down you'll be squashed flat.
It lands face up, it'll just break every bone in your body.
Hey, where's my coin? Anybody see where I? Oh, no.
No.
Launch it now.
Here.
I owe you a dollar.
And if it weren't for this blasted coin I would've got him.
Gee, that's too bad, Harv.
But I guess you'll always come in second.
Anyone else want a go? Me! There I was, holed up in this quarry when Batman came nosing around.
He was getting closer, closer - And? - I threw a rock at him.
So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny? It was a big rock.
They actually let him keep it.
- Whose deal is it? - Mine.
I find your middling machinations mildly diverting.
But for sheer criminal genius none surpasses my most recent ornithologically-inspired entoilment.
Smaller words, please.
You're losing Croc.
I let rumors circulate through the underworld of my plan to steal a pair of priceless breeding condors from the Gotham Zoo.
Sure enough, on the appointed night, guess who showed up.
Curses, I would grab the wrong umbrella.
Welcome, my ebon-winged adversary.
You have taken the bait as I knew you would.
Now, prepare to meet your end within my aviary of doom.
Aviary of what? Pengers, how corny can you get? Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls Anyway, there he was in my av Big birdhouse.
Beautiful, aren't they? Like glittering fragments of the rainbow.
By the way, that mist I sprayed on you is derived from the nectar these birds drink.
It's quite harmless.
But their poison-tipped beaks, however, are not.
A scratch or two will merely slow you down.
Three or four, and you'll get drowsy.
And after that, well, I wish I could say it's been nice knowing you.
Oh, well played.
Now to take a poison antidote from your miraculous belt.
And I suggest you do it quickly before my cassowary's razor-sharp talons rend you asunder.
Naturally, I had flown the coop by the time he escaped.
Still, I almost got him.
Not even close.
You see, the thing you're forgetting is that there are all sorts of ways to get someone.
Take my latest run-in with Batsy.
It was just last night, as the entire country was tuning in to its favorite talk show.
It's Late Night Gotham Live.
And here's the man who puts a smile on your face whether you want it or not: The Joker.
Good evening, folks.
I'm the Joker.
Living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show.
But it helps.
We've got a real treat for you, kids.
I ran into my first guest last night while making a withdrawal from the bank.
You know him as "the dark knight," but we prefer to think of him as history.
Here he is, the one and only Batman.
We're back with my extra-special guest.
So how's Robin? Moving right along.
You know, kids, we've got an item here no home should be without.
The laughter-activated electric chair.
Yes, sir, the merest titter or guffaw starts the chair's generator revving up towards maximum zappage.
Harley? But for a real demonstration, we're pumping our studio audience full of my patented laughing gas.
These yahoos will laugh at anything now, even the phone book.
Marvin Abbott, 555-8976.
Gerald Adams, 555-9011.
M.
J.
Addison, 555 Hey.
Show's over, Joker.
Catwoman, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for her.
Almost got him.
Yes, if not for that infatuated feline.
Oh, but that's the best part.
Once the chair went up I was out of there tout de suite.
Miss Kitty still wanted to play cat and mouse never dreaming I still had an ace up my sleeve.
And by golly, speaking of aces, lookie here.
- I can't believe his luck.
- Oh, darn.
Let me see those cards.
Now, now, no sore losers.
Hey, I don't get it.
You just knocked out Catwoman and left her? Oh, come on, Crockers, didn't I say there's more than one way to get someone? Even as I speak, Catwoman is being trussed up at the Pussykins Pet Food factory.
First thing tomorrow, I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman.
I don't think so.
Was it something I said? Well, well.
An imposter in our midst.
Risking everything for your kitty, Batman? You're not getting out of this one.
Maybe.
But I'm not bad with traps myself.
I had a kitty once.
You know, they don't always land on their feet.
Look on the bright side.
Tomorrow, you'll be feeding hundreds of hungry cats.
The fun starts as soon as Mr.
J comes back.
Don't wait up.
Back off, Bats, or say "ciao" to your girlfriend.
Cat chow, that is.
That's a good little rodent.
And just to make sure you don't follow me Gee, Batman, what you gonna do, kick me around or save your kitten? You've only got time for one.
Good call.
Help.
Thanks for coming after me.
I owed you.
I'd like to think our relationship isn't restricted to saving each other from freaks and weirdoes.
And that maybe we'd have a place for each other without Gotham, without the freaks maybe without masks.
Maybe.
Almost got him.