Batman s04e05 Episode Script
The Lion and the Unicorn
That's good enough, Alfred.
The people I deal with out there won't mind a little lint.
A job worth doing and all that rot, Master Bruce.
I do wish you would put on a shirt.
You're apt to catch cold in this dank cave.
Yes, folks, a perfect 10 for Dick Grayson to take the gold.
And the crowd goes wild.
- Did you hear me, Master Dick? - Yeah, all right! Yes, Alfred.
Right away, Alfred.
I've fixed your supper.
It's upstairs, in the oven.
- What would we do without you, Alfred? - I shudder to think.
- Good evening.
Wayne Manor.
- Alfie? - It's your cousin Freddie.
- Frederick? I say, old thing, could you meet me at the usual place? It's rather urgent.
Yes, of course.
I'll leave immediately.
Now what? Hey.
Was a butlers' strike called? I came down for breakfast, and all I found was this.
Where's Alfred? "Dear Master Bruce, my apologies for leaving so abruptly.
I've just learned of a personal matter involving a cousin of mine that must be resolved immediately.
I shall endeavor to return in a few days.
Your obedient servant, Alfred.
" Must be pretty important.
Alfred wouldn't leave a dirty dish unwashed if England were sinking into the sea.
I know.
- Frederick? - Hello.
Is that Alfie? - Mr.
Pennyworth will do.
- Right then.
It's Freddie sent us.
Wants you to come with us.
- Frederick sent you? - That's right, old love.
Come along now.
- We'll pop around and see him.
- I think not.
Frederick knows I hate being called Alfie as much as he hates Freddie.
- What have you done with him? - Grab him, Bert.
Hello? Good evening, Master Bruce.
I'm so sorry to have disturbed your rest.
Alfred.
Are you all right? Where are you? I'm at the Yorkshire Arms just at the moment.
In London.
- London, England? - There's only one, Master Bruce.
I seem to be in a bit of a sticky situation, and I was wondering if you Come along easy, gramps.
We don't want to hurt you.
I'm afraid I'll have to ring off now, sir.
It seems I have unexpected guests.
Alfred, are you there? Alfred? Alfred! Before he came to the States, Alfred did some work as an attaché in the British security services.
More desk jobs than fieldwork, but he acquired quite a reputation for defusing diplomatically dangerous situations in high-security areas.
And I thought he was just a nice guy who polished the silver and fixed me sandwiches.
He's fixed more than that in his time.
Underneath Alfred's very proper exterior is a highly resourceful government agent.
He mentioned his cousin.
As far as I know, he has no living relatives.
And "cousin" can sometimes mean a fellow member of an intelligence organization.
Well, I hear England's nice this time of year.
End of the line, mate.
It's good to see you again, old man.
I'm sorry it has to be under such circumstances.
Exactly what circumstances are we talking about? My heavens! Red Claw.
So pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr.
Pennyworth.
If you do exactly as I say, you might live to see tomorrow.
Bruce, over here.
Looks like he put up a struggle.
- Poor Alfred.
He must have been petrified.
- I doubt it.
He was pretty formidable in his day.
Come on.
Two blokes just came out of Pennyworth's room.
Right.
Where they off to, then? I don't know about this, Ernie.
- Where'd they go? - We're chasing a pair of poxy ghosts.
Stone the crows! Gotcha.
May I see your license? When they wake up, they'll tell us who they're working for.
- I don't think we'll have to wait that long.
- Red Claw.
I've wasted enough courtesy on you two.
Courtesy? None that I've seen.
I want this missile silo operational.
I intend for the British government to give me 5 billion pounds to keep me from wiping London off the map.
You understand, old man, I had no choice in the matter.
But of course, dear boy.
Each of you holds half the firing code for this missile.
I want that code.
Or else.
Madam, impossible.
We are both signatories to the Official Secrets Act.
I've already thought of that.
Still no word from Castle Blairquhan.
Our post there has never missed a check-in.
Here's more bad news.
Agent Frederick has been listed missing.
I don't like this.
Frederick was part of the original security team at Blairquhan.
- Him and that fellow from Clerical.
- Pennyworth, Alfred Pennyworth.
Our apologies for intruding.
You were saying something about a castle? How did you get in here? We don't have time for protocol.
Pennyworth is also missing.
We have reason to think he and Frederick might be in considerable danger.
What was the name of that castle? And why should we give you that information? Because I can give you Red Claw.
Blairquhan.
Castle Blairquhan on the west Scottish coast.
It was the base for Project Excalibur.
Blairquhan is the last of our land-based missile silos.
Do you think that's what Red Claw is after? Apparently so.
Truth serum? Of course.
The old methods are still often the best.
Fight it if you like.
You won't hold out for long.
But it might be amusing.
Well, anything to amuse a lady.
If "lady" is the word I want, which I doubt.
Oh, sticks and stones.
Won't I I won't.
Give me your access code for the missile activator.
Never.
You'll get nothing but gibberish out of me, madam.
I come from haunts of coot and fern I make a sudden sally And bicker down the valley And people wonder why no one takes Britain seriously anymore.
The code, old man.
Now.
Fourteen.
Fourteen Gurrier's Crescent, Blairquhan Upper.
Absurdly simple like most passwords.
Now, as for you.
Half a league, half a league Half a league onward Desperate valor to the last.
Not that it will help you.
Sooner or later, the serum always wins.
Looks clear.
Impossible! How could he have learned about this? - That's one less thing to worry about.
- Two less things.
- Dennis, you're always the humorist.
- Did you hear that? Londoners.
Your ancient city may pride itself on having survived plagues, fires, even the Blitz.
But unless 5 billion pounds are delivered to me by midnight tonight there will be nothing left to survive.
We have Blairquhan Castle and its missile installation and the codes to operate the missile.
You have one hour.
Otherwise, I'll be forced to plant this warhead in the middle of Trafalgar Square.
And if I do that, well God save the queen.
Is it smart to make demands before we get the other half of the go code? I will have the code in a matter of minutes.
Give me the code, or I'll The lion and the unicorn fighting for the crown.
He can't be resisting the drug this long.
It's impossible.
- The lion and the unicorn fighting - Wait.
He's not resisting.
This doggerel is the code.
The lion and the unicorn.
At last! You three, come with me.
Watch them.
Fan out.
This is the only access to the control room.
They'll have to come through here.
Take them.
And here I thought all you dusted was furniture.
A Louis Quinze.
What a pity.
Goodness me.
- Dear Lord! - Do you two have the destruct code? I don't suppose you'd consider coming out of retirement? And taking up civil service pay grades again? Hardly, old man.
I've become accustomed to my style of living.
It's a great pity.
It was just like old times.
Give my best to Whitehall.
The people I deal with out there won't mind a little lint.
A job worth doing and all that rot, Master Bruce.
I do wish you would put on a shirt.
You're apt to catch cold in this dank cave.
Yes, folks, a perfect 10 for Dick Grayson to take the gold.
And the crowd goes wild.
- Did you hear me, Master Dick? - Yeah, all right! Yes, Alfred.
Right away, Alfred.
I've fixed your supper.
It's upstairs, in the oven.
- What would we do without you, Alfred? - I shudder to think.
- Good evening.
Wayne Manor.
- Alfie? - It's your cousin Freddie.
- Frederick? I say, old thing, could you meet me at the usual place? It's rather urgent.
Yes, of course.
I'll leave immediately.
Now what? Hey.
Was a butlers' strike called? I came down for breakfast, and all I found was this.
Where's Alfred? "Dear Master Bruce, my apologies for leaving so abruptly.
I've just learned of a personal matter involving a cousin of mine that must be resolved immediately.
I shall endeavor to return in a few days.
Your obedient servant, Alfred.
" Must be pretty important.
Alfred wouldn't leave a dirty dish unwashed if England were sinking into the sea.
I know.
- Frederick? - Hello.
Is that Alfie? - Mr.
Pennyworth will do.
- Right then.
It's Freddie sent us.
Wants you to come with us.
- Frederick sent you? - That's right, old love.
Come along now.
- We'll pop around and see him.
- I think not.
Frederick knows I hate being called Alfie as much as he hates Freddie.
- What have you done with him? - Grab him, Bert.
Hello? Good evening, Master Bruce.
I'm so sorry to have disturbed your rest.
Alfred.
Are you all right? Where are you? I'm at the Yorkshire Arms just at the moment.
In London.
- London, England? - There's only one, Master Bruce.
I seem to be in a bit of a sticky situation, and I was wondering if you Come along easy, gramps.
We don't want to hurt you.
I'm afraid I'll have to ring off now, sir.
It seems I have unexpected guests.
Alfred, are you there? Alfred? Alfred! Before he came to the States, Alfred did some work as an attaché in the British security services.
More desk jobs than fieldwork, but he acquired quite a reputation for defusing diplomatically dangerous situations in high-security areas.
And I thought he was just a nice guy who polished the silver and fixed me sandwiches.
He's fixed more than that in his time.
Underneath Alfred's very proper exterior is a highly resourceful government agent.
He mentioned his cousin.
As far as I know, he has no living relatives.
And "cousin" can sometimes mean a fellow member of an intelligence organization.
Well, I hear England's nice this time of year.
End of the line, mate.
It's good to see you again, old man.
I'm sorry it has to be under such circumstances.
Exactly what circumstances are we talking about? My heavens! Red Claw.
So pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr.
Pennyworth.
If you do exactly as I say, you might live to see tomorrow.
Bruce, over here.
Looks like he put up a struggle.
- Poor Alfred.
He must have been petrified.
- I doubt it.
He was pretty formidable in his day.
Come on.
Two blokes just came out of Pennyworth's room.
Right.
Where they off to, then? I don't know about this, Ernie.
- Where'd they go? - We're chasing a pair of poxy ghosts.
Stone the crows! Gotcha.
May I see your license? When they wake up, they'll tell us who they're working for.
- I don't think we'll have to wait that long.
- Red Claw.
I've wasted enough courtesy on you two.
Courtesy? None that I've seen.
I want this missile silo operational.
I intend for the British government to give me 5 billion pounds to keep me from wiping London off the map.
You understand, old man, I had no choice in the matter.
But of course, dear boy.
Each of you holds half the firing code for this missile.
I want that code.
Or else.
Madam, impossible.
We are both signatories to the Official Secrets Act.
I've already thought of that.
Still no word from Castle Blairquhan.
Our post there has never missed a check-in.
Here's more bad news.
Agent Frederick has been listed missing.
I don't like this.
Frederick was part of the original security team at Blairquhan.
- Him and that fellow from Clerical.
- Pennyworth, Alfred Pennyworth.
Our apologies for intruding.
You were saying something about a castle? How did you get in here? We don't have time for protocol.
Pennyworth is also missing.
We have reason to think he and Frederick might be in considerable danger.
What was the name of that castle? And why should we give you that information? Because I can give you Red Claw.
Blairquhan.
Castle Blairquhan on the west Scottish coast.
It was the base for Project Excalibur.
Blairquhan is the last of our land-based missile silos.
Do you think that's what Red Claw is after? Apparently so.
Truth serum? Of course.
The old methods are still often the best.
Fight it if you like.
You won't hold out for long.
But it might be amusing.
Well, anything to amuse a lady.
If "lady" is the word I want, which I doubt.
Oh, sticks and stones.
Won't I I won't.
Give me your access code for the missile activator.
Never.
You'll get nothing but gibberish out of me, madam.
I come from haunts of coot and fern I make a sudden sally And bicker down the valley And people wonder why no one takes Britain seriously anymore.
The code, old man.
Now.
Fourteen.
Fourteen Gurrier's Crescent, Blairquhan Upper.
Absurdly simple like most passwords.
Now, as for you.
Half a league, half a league Half a league onward Desperate valor to the last.
Not that it will help you.
Sooner or later, the serum always wins.
Looks clear.
Impossible! How could he have learned about this? - That's one less thing to worry about.
- Two less things.
- Dennis, you're always the humorist.
- Did you hear that? Londoners.
Your ancient city may pride itself on having survived plagues, fires, even the Blitz.
But unless 5 billion pounds are delivered to me by midnight tonight there will be nothing left to survive.
We have Blairquhan Castle and its missile installation and the codes to operate the missile.
You have one hour.
Otherwise, I'll be forced to plant this warhead in the middle of Trafalgar Square.
And if I do that, well God save the queen.
Is it smart to make demands before we get the other half of the go code? I will have the code in a matter of minutes.
Give me the code, or I'll The lion and the unicorn fighting for the crown.
He can't be resisting the drug this long.
It's impossible.
- The lion and the unicorn fighting - Wait.
He's not resisting.
This doggerel is the code.
The lion and the unicorn.
At last! You three, come with me.
Watch them.
Fan out.
This is the only access to the control room.
They'll have to come through here.
Take them.
And here I thought all you dusted was furniture.
A Louis Quinze.
What a pity.
Goodness me.
- Dear Lord! - Do you two have the destruct code? I don't suppose you'd consider coming out of retirement? And taking up civil service pay grades again? Hardly, old man.
I've become accustomed to my style of living.
It's a great pity.
It was just like old times.
Give my best to Whitehall.