Baywatch (1989) s02e04 Episode Script
Money, Honey
Tonight, on Baywatch: If ORCAS closes down, Gilly and thousands like her are not going to survive.
Pick your favorite girl and back her with some cash so that we can keep ORCAS open.
Oh, Mitch, I am going to make you a superstar.
All I need's a little extra cash.
I'm Harvey Miller, Mr.
Buchannon's personal manager.
$25,000 on signing against $150,000 on the first day of photography.
Let's roll.
Action.
Cut the sirens! Turn them off! Turn them off! And bring me some blankets! Hey, it's Gilly.
Yeah.
I'm not giving this guy mouth-to-mouth.
She's bleeding it's the gill nets cutting into her neck.
Aren't these guys' bites, like, toxic or something? Just get behind her.
I'm not real thrilled with that end either.
We got to get between her and the water.
She might be going into shock.
It's okay, Gilly.
It's okay, sweetie.
Stay still, we're not going to hurt you.
Hey, Gilly.
How you doing? Stay still, honey.
You guys, be careful.
We're not going to hurt you, okay? Get behind her.
Which side is behind her? Okay, now, on three we're gonna do it, okay? On three.
One Be careful.
Two three! Oh, jeez! Great, what do we do with her now? Mitch, you need to take care of this.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Good morning.
Dad, where have you been? All kinds of stuff's been going on this morning.
Truck broke down again, I had to have it towed.
What's all this? Stevie's uncle works for this company that can get me all this hockey gear wholesale.
With the skates and everything, it's only 482 bucks.
Hockey's gonna have to wait for awhile.
But you promised.
Yeah, I know I promised, but we just don't have the money.
Maybe you should've taken that promotion.
Hey, Hobie.
Maybe next month, huh? Sure, Dad.
Hey, uh, Mitch I couldn't help overhearing, and I think I have the solution to your financial problems.
Whatever it is, the answer's no.
Sponsor a bikini contest.
No.
Oh, come on, it's a major return on a minor investment.
No! I don't even have enough money to invest in repairing my truck.
Yeah, but a bikini contest would Freeze Miller.
No contest the one on the left.
Excellent choice, Captain.
Tough call.
Excellent choice.
Last month, it's the plumbing.
This month it's my truck.
You should've taken that promotion, Mitch.
What is it with everybody and this promotion?! All I need's a little extra cash.
How about a couple hundred bucks? I didn't mean that.
I can't borrow from you.
Good, 'cause I can't lend it to you.
But there's a private party at the Malibu Colony this week.
They want to hire a couple off-duty lifeguards.
I've already mentioned it to Eddie.
I'll take it.
You got it.
We first spotted her off the bell buoy when she was just a pup.
She had this gill net stuck around her neck so we started calling her Gilly.
But we could never get close enough to get it off of her.
And the more she grew, the more it just sliced into her neck.
She knew when it was time to get help.
Yeah, but she shouldn't have had to.
Why do they keep using these things? I don't understand.
Because fisherman don't see the results of what they do to sea lions and dolphins.
Well, I think we should get the press down here.
Unfortunately, after Saturday, there won't be a "down here" here.
Why not? Money.
How much do you need? I need $50,000 by or else we get torn down with the rest of this place when they start building ocean view condos.
Have you thought about maybe organizing some fund-raisers or something? With all the non-profit organizations that need money, come on, Shauni.
Face it, saving sea mammals is not people's top priority.
Well, what are we going to do with the injured animals if ORCAS closes down? Sea life park in San Diego is the closest facility.
That's over a hundred miles away.
Those animals aren't going to make it traveling that far.
Look at least we're here until Saturday, and hopefully, that'll be enough time for Gilly to make it.
Hey! Well, I really don't speak Italian, but in film, words don't really matter, do they? Isn't she wonderful? Dita, baby! Terrific party! Marty, you're looking uh, good, that's it.
Little further Don't fall! Don't fall.
Okay.
This place is one big accident waiting to happen.
Tell me about it.
Excuse me, I don't think it's a real good idea to go swimming right now.
I never listen to "idea" men.
Look, I'd rather stop you now than have to save you from drowning.
Son, with all the sharks and barracudas at this party, it's more than likely I'll have my arms and legs chewed off before I drown.
Whoa! Whoa! I got you.
I think I'll sit down.
Okay.
Hello, my darling.
Hey! Hey! Hey! What is with you?! Keep your fire under control, will ya?! You all right? Yeah, thanks.
Sure.
Who the hell are you two?! I'm Mitch Buchannon.
This is Eddie Kramer.
We're the L.
A.
County lifeguards.
Good Lord the hired help.
The only reason you're here is because my insurance company requires it.
So don't stop anyone from having a good time, just make sure no one drowns.
Your friends keep drinking and swimming, believe me, somebody is going to drown.
Don't be ridiculous.
These aren't my friends.
This is business.
So don't get in the way, or you'll be out the door in half an hour.
Better call your insurance agent.
Why is that? We're out the door now.
All right, have it your way.
Do whatever it is you people do.
Just don't overdo it.
Fair enough? Okay.
When we start filming this in a couple of weeks, uh, I play this martial arts instructor in Venice who's actually a private investigator.
And he kind of gets romantically involved with this beautiful street musician.
But you see, she's "actually " We don't want to give the plot away, do we, darling? Let me borrow him for a few minutes.
I promise I'll bring him right back.
Excuse us, dear.
Larry, darling, charm the press.
Always charm the press.
Never reveal too much about yourself or your project, all right? Well, my new film comes out in two months.
And this time, I have lines.
Vittorio, darling.
Ah! I'm so happy to see you.
How are you? I see you've already met Fernando.
Vittorio's seen every one of my pictures.
Ah.
He doesn't like one of them.
Vittorio, darling, I'd like for you to meet Larry Brooks, the star of "our" picture.
It's a pleasure, sir.
Pleasure.
Larry, dear, this is Fernando, your director.
I hope you like my pictures.
I admire each and every one of them, sir.
As a matter of fact, I've always wanted to work in Italy.
Don't mind if I do.
Thank you.
This is terrific.
What is this? I think it's either tofu or eel.
Hi! Why don't you get some rest? Hey.
Why don't you stay in the pool a while? I'm sorry.
I'm on duty.
Pity.
Uh, no, sir, please, don't put that in the water.
Why not? 'Cause I said so.
Yeah! Get the boat back out.
Get the boat back out! Hey, is that my agent on the phone? Past the breakwater! Get it back out! Eddie! Get the boat back to breakwater! Eddie! Aah! Whoa! Get out there.
What? There's press here be a hero.
Dita, I hate the water.
Go on! Here! Take it! Okay.
I got you.
Hang on.
Eddie! Over here! No.
Let go! Let go! No! No! Let go of the line! Damn it! Let go! On three.
One, two, three.
All right, ease it in.
I got him.
All right, let's go.
Let's move it.
I'll check with you in Emergency, huh? All right.
He shouldn't have been out there.
Lucky for him, you were.
Lucky for you, no one else was seriously hurt.
For services rendered.
I don't accept tips.
That's exactly what a hero should say.
You know, you could make what you just did out there for the cameras.
What, as a stuntman? No.
As a star.
If he can do it, anyone can.
I could have the script rewritten, make the lead a lifeguard, who is also a private eye.
Big rescues, great love scene.
What do you say? I can't believe this guy turns down an opportunity of a lifetime.
Just don't want to be in some stupid action flick.
Oh, come on, Mitch, they make millions! It could've been a whole new career for you.
My career is saving people.
What about saving animals? What's wrong? Gilly.
How is she? Eh, she's barely hanging on.
And if ORCAS closes down, Gilly and thousands like her are not gonna survive.
Why would ORCAS close down? Why does anything worthwhile close down? There's not enough money.
Hey, Mitch, do the words "Don't fall asleep in the poppy fields" mean anything to you? The Wicked Witch.
Mm.
That is one hell of a broomstick she rode in on.
Mitch! Let's talk.
What do you got to lose? Forget I said that.
Mitch shouldn't be alone with her.
She's gonna eat him alive.
I don't get it.
I was there, too, was I not? Huh? Rescuing people, pulling 'em out like tuna.
Why him? Why did this Dita pick pick him to be the movie star? What does Mitch have that I don't? Eddie, Mitch isn't gonna do this anyway.
Oh, money, honey, it's a great motivator.
I can't let him blow this.
I don't get it.
You'd be a believable hero, Mitch.
"That's" the difference.
Women will fantasize about you.
Trust me, I know what women like.
The only time I've ever been in front of a camera is when they videotaped my wedding.
You're married? Divorced.
So you can see how well that performance turned out.
Beatty, Selleck they have that certain something that made them a star.
You have it, too, Mitch.
No, I don't.
I- I don't have that.
Listen to me, Mitch.
I only pretend to be a bitch because it serves me well in a very tough business.
And I'm in business to make money.
So I wouldn't invest it in you if I wasn't sure you could do this.
I'm a lifeguard.
And Boz was a football player.
Arnold was a bodybuilder.
They're pro athletes.
What's a lifeguard? You're a professional swimmer, and swimmers are fantastic athletes.
Mitchie, sweetheart! Sorry I'm late.
I sent you a fax from the car did you get it? Hi.
Harvey Miller, Mr.
Buchannon's personal manager.
I'm looking forward to opening negotiations with you on my client's behalf.
Ah.
Your, uh, client doesn't seem willing to entertain my offer.
Oh.
Well, that's because I do all of his entertaining for him.
" So, what kind of figures are we talking about here? Well, I don't think we should discuss money in front of your client.
We have no secrets from each other, do we, Mitch? Uh, no I want to screen test him.
After we pre-negotiate the deal.
You know, the up front, the back end.
Of course.
Upon signing, he becomes "pay or play.
" With a buyout.
I'm gonna need name above the title.
On the sequel, not the first time out.
Let's talk motor home.
A honey wagon.
- Star wagon.
- Fine.
How much up front? $10,000.
- $20,000.
- 30.
$25,000 on signing against 150 on the first day of photography.
It's a done deal.
Done deal.
We'll talk.
I know I shouldn't be doing this.
No, let me.
I wanted to do this the first time I saw you.
How come it took you so long? Maybe I want you to suffer.
Or maybe it's because you're so cold.
"The only thing cold about me is my gun.
" The only I can't say that.
Who writes this stuff? Come on, Mitch, remember what we talked about? What is your intention in the scene? To get this thing over as quickly as possible.
Listen, you want me to show him how to do it? Eddie, there can only be one director on the set.
This is a living room.
Which is why you are not the director.
Now, Mitch, look, it's easy.
I need those headshots by 6:00.
And make sure you touch up that mark on his chin there.
And put the glint in his eye, you know? A couple of those little white dots.
Hey.
Hmm? You're not upset, are you? No, no, of course not.
I mean, because, you know, this is just for Mitch and to help Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I know.
Well, then what's wrong? Nothing, nothing.
You know, if you want to, we can play this scene tonight, and I won't even make you suffer.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Mitch, you can't change a line.
Remember, this is a screen test.
You have to treat every word of the text as if it was Shakespeare.
I remember when I was a contract player at Fox Shakespeare was still alive.
Which is why children are not allowed on the set.
All right, Mitch, tell me, what exactly is your motivation? You got me.
Money, Dad.
We need the money, right? Right.
Right.
Ready? Let's take it again, from the top.
Hang on a minute.
Could we do that other scene? Let me just try the other scene.
Shauni, no offense or anything.
Eddie, you know the lines, you need the sides? The what? The sides, the words, the script.
Oh.
No, no, I know it, I know this.
Good.
We'll do it over here.
"Hold it right there, you scuz " Eddie, come on, let's make some room.
Move that back.
Use this for the chainsaw.
Ah, right.
All right.
Eddie, you're a drug-crazed killer with a chainsaw.
He's got you cornered.
He's unarmed.
But you know he's deadly.
Ready? Action.
Mitch.
Mitch, line.
Hold it right there! Scuzbucket! - Scudbucket.
- Scudbucket.
Like Scud missile, Dad.
Got it, got it.
Hold it right there scudbucket.
Stay back, man, or I'll cut you! I swear, I'll slice you into toothpicks! No way.
No way, that thing's about to run out of gas.
Yeah, well, I hope it does right in the middle of your skull! What? What's up, Doc? How's it going, Shauni? Well, from the looks of things around here, not so good.
Well, packing is never fun.
How's Gilly? You want the truth? No, maybe you better lie.
Well, I, uh I wouldn't get my hopes up.
Frank, what would you think if I did something for a good cause that I wasn't real crazy about doing? Don't do it.
You don't even know what it is yet.
Okay but if it's dangerous or illegal, don't do it.
I'm talking about a bikini contest.
How am I supposed to talk with all this makeup on? Don't worry, Mitch, with this sun, it'll probably melt off after every take.
Over here, over here.
Oh, great, I'll be standing there with my face in my shoes.
You should see it out there! Reflectors, cameras action.
I can't do this.
Sure, you can.
Mitch, you just do it like you did in rehearsal.
Okay.
Good.
Without the giggles, though.
Yeah, without the giggles.
Oh, come on, your old man's a natural.
The camera loves him! Hey, I saw your headshots.
The girls at the photo lab were swooning.
Now, come on, get on out there and show those amateurs what a real hero is made out of.
Come on, come on! All right, Dad, let's go! You can do it! How do I look? Terrific.
Great! Awesome! Super! Okay.
Are there a lot of people out there? No.
No, not They're just enjoying the surf and the sand.
They'll hardly know you're there.
Hardly know you're there.
Just another day at the beach, right? Right.
Another day at the beach.
Right! Right.
Right, the beach.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Get back, man, or I'm gonna cut you! I'm going to slice you into toothpicks! No way, man.
No way, that thing That thing's about to run out of Cut! I'm sorry, I forgot the lines.
No, no, darling, not now, please.
Not now.
Can just do it one more time? I'll get it right.
It's no problem.
Just take it one line at a time.
Okay? All right? Wonderful.
Great.
Got it.
Ah! From the top.
Okay, settle! No way.
No way.
Quiet, please! All right, let's roll.
No way.
Screen test, Mitch Buchannon, take 23.
No way.
That things about And Motivation.
Action.
Hey, Harv, I got to talk to you.
Not now.
Not now.
Hold it right there, scuzbucket.
Get back, man, or I'm going to cut you! I'm going to cut you into toothpicks! No way.
That thing's about to run No Cut! Cut! Cut! Could I talk to you for a second? Of course, Mitch.
Do you mind if we do this without the saw running? Without the saw What a great idea! We'll just "pretend" that it's still running.
But I still want you to show fear that the blades are going to shred this beautiful face.
But only beneath the surface.
On the surface you have no fear.
Play the subtext.
Subtext.
Subtext.
Subtext.
Mop him up.
Let's do it again.
He doesn't want to do this.
Just make him look good.
Subtext.
What the hell is subtext.
Hey, listen, I think I know how to get sponsors for this bikini contest of yours.
What? How? How? How about a benefit for ORCAS? What a concept.
Hey I like it! It's Silence! Talk to you later.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Let's roll.
Mitch Buchannon, take 25.
"Scudbucket.
" And Just be cool, just be cool.
Action! Hold it right there scuzbucket! Scudbucket! Cut! No, no! No, keep rolling.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry.
Hold it right there scudbucket.
Help! Help! This guy's crazy, help us! Hey! Leave her alone! Keep shooting! Keep shooting! Yeah, go.
Ah Get him.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Oh! You better have these ribs looked at.
Yeah.
And that face.
Let me see.
I want my leading man to be in perfect shape.
That means he got the job! Now, make yourself useful go get that crazy to sign a release so we can use this footage.
You got it! Well done.
Well done.
You were terrific! Hey, this looks great.
Thanks! I've got some more promotional pamphlets inside.
Great.
Yeah, I think you signed up every surf shop and restaurant between the Orange and Ventura County line.
Yeah, and I got Jag bathing suits to underwrite some of the expenses.
I just hope that we got enough girls.
Well, all we really need is you, my little rumpus room.
Oh, no, I've got a million things to do if I'm going to get this put on in time.
Hey, hey, I got a slew of lifeguards who are willing to put up a ton of money to sponsor one of their own.
Well, then, they're just going to have to get one of their own.
Who? Hmm You talkin' to me? Hey! Hey, yeah, you.
You talkin' to me? You doing your homework? Uh, the door was open.
Don't worry, I locked it.
Hi.
I've just come from the editing room.
Has anyone ever told you you have the bluest eyes? I had nothing to do with that.
The fight scene is fantastic.
I think we should work on making the love scene equally realistic.
Um, uh, I got a little boy upstairs.
I won't make a sound.
Um Mm, mm I am going to make you a superstar.
But Dita, Mm I don't think this was part of the deal.
Well, call it an oral agreement.
Mitch Mitch, don't disappoint me.
I'm sorry.
I think you better leave.
You're not being very smart, Mitch.
No, I kinda think this is the smartest thing I've done since I got involved in this mess.
All right.
You're going to regret this.
Maybe I will but I'll live with it.
You talkin' to me? I can't believe you did that or didn't.
I couldn't.
But she's a fox.
Oh, that's not the point.
Wait a minute.
Were you fired, or did you quit? I think I was fired.
What's the difference? You signed the contract, though, didn't you? Yeah.
Yes! Pay or play, baby! Pay or play! Feedback that's my cue.
Got to go! Pay or play, yes! What do you think? L.
A.
County's got the best-looking women? Yeah! Well, if I could have just one minute of your time, I want to tell you that we also have a very important environmental responsibility to uphold.
Every year, thousands of sea mammals need medical treatment to survive and they're not getting enough help, so please spend some money.
Pick your favorite girl and back her with some cash so that we can keep ORCAS open, and that's all I have to say.
Thank you.
Hey, come on! Come on! Shut up! Shut up! Why you clapping? I'm not wearing a bikini! Well, all right, I'm wearing a bikini.
Underneath this shirt and these shorts I am wearing a teeny, tiny pair of briefs.
It's not a pretty sight, "but" since my lifeguard buddies have chosen to sponsor me you guys better come up with some bucks if you want your contestant to win because, folks, this is strictly pay-per-view.
All right, okay, now it's time now for the final contestant showdown.
Ladies, strut your stuff.
Whoo, whoo, whoo! Okay, now it's time to announce the winner of our competition.
This will be the contestant with the most money pledged on her behalf.
And the winner is Envelope, please.
Thank you.
With a grand total of $5,137 Har Harvey Miller! Whoo! Whoo! But the real winner is the ORCAS Foundation with a grand total of $32,000! Whoo! Hello, sweetie.
Hi, Gilly.
How are you today? Mm? Are you feeling better? Are you feeling better? You look so pretty.
How long before she can be released? She's regained a lot of strength.
I think that we can let her go before we close up tomorrow.
I'm really sorry it wasn't enough.
Shauni, raising this much money on such short notice was unbelievable.
I know.
I know.
I just wish I would have known sooner.
There were a lot of corporate people that I didn't get to wrestle Hey, what's happening? Oh, no.
Why all the sad faces? We came up short.
Short? How short? $20,000.
Unbelievable coincidence.
"$20,000.
" Mitch? Pay or play.
Pay or play.
I had no idea what it meant until yesterday.
Can you believe it? Harvey finally came through.
Mitch, you really need this money.
No, no, it's okay.
Look, the truck is running.
Hobie can play hockey.
These guys wouldn't stand a chance without this place.
Thank you.
I don't know what to say.
You're a good girl.
Yes, you're a good girl.
Here we go.
Everybody ready? Come on, Gilly, get up there.
Go! Really great.
Appreciate it.
Pick your favorite girl and back her with some cash so that we can keep ORCAS open.
Oh, Mitch, I am going to make you a superstar.
All I need's a little extra cash.
I'm Harvey Miller, Mr.
Buchannon's personal manager.
$25,000 on signing against $150,000 on the first day of photography.
Let's roll.
Action.
Cut the sirens! Turn them off! Turn them off! And bring me some blankets! Hey, it's Gilly.
Yeah.
I'm not giving this guy mouth-to-mouth.
She's bleeding it's the gill nets cutting into her neck.
Aren't these guys' bites, like, toxic or something? Just get behind her.
I'm not real thrilled with that end either.
We got to get between her and the water.
She might be going into shock.
It's okay, Gilly.
It's okay, sweetie.
Stay still, we're not going to hurt you.
Hey, Gilly.
How you doing? Stay still, honey.
You guys, be careful.
We're not going to hurt you, okay? Get behind her.
Which side is behind her? Okay, now, on three we're gonna do it, okay? On three.
One Be careful.
Two three! Oh, jeez! Great, what do we do with her now? Mitch, you need to take care of this.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Good morning.
Dad, where have you been? All kinds of stuff's been going on this morning.
Truck broke down again, I had to have it towed.
What's all this? Stevie's uncle works for this company that can get me all this hockey gear wholesale.
With the skates and everything, it's only 482 bucks.
Hockey's gonna have to wait for awhile.
But you promised.
Yeah, I know I promised, but we just don't have the money.
Maybe you should've taken that promotion.
Hey, Hobie.
Maybe next month, huh? Sure, Dad.
Hey, uh, Mitch I couldn't help overhearing, and I think I have the solution to your financial problems.
Whatever it is, the answer's no.
Sponsor a bikini contest.
No.
Oh, come on, it's a major return on a minor investment.
No! I don't even have enough money to invest in repairing my truck.
Yeah, but a bikini contest would Freeze Miller.
No contest the one on the left.
Excellent choice, Captain.
Tough call.
Excellent choice.
Last month, it's the plumbing.
This month it's my truck.
You should've taken that promotion, Mitch.
What is it with everybody and this promotion?! All I need's a little extra cash.
How about a couple hundred bucks? I didn't mean that.
I can't borrow from you.
Good, 'cause I can't lend it to you.
But there's a private party at the Malibu Colony this week.
They want to hire a couple off-duty lifeguards.
I've already mentioned it to Eddie.
I'll take it.
You got it.
We first spotted her off the bell buoy when she was just a pup.
She had this gill net stuck around her neck so we started calling her Gilly.
But we could never get close enough to get it off of her.
And the more she grew, the more it just sliced into her neck.
She knew when it was time to get help.
Yeah, but she shouldn't have had to.
Why do they keep using these things? I don't understand.
Because fisherman don't see the results of what they do to sea lions and dolphins.
Well, I think we should get the press down here.
Unfortunately, after Saturday, there won't be a "down here" here.
Why not? Money.
How much do you need? I need $50,000 by or else we get torn down with the rest of this place when they start building ocean view condos.
Have you thought about maybe organizing some fund-raisers or something? With all the non-profit organizations that need money, come on, Shauni.
Face it, saving sea mammals is not people's top priority.
Well, what are we going to do with the injured animals if ORCAS closes down? Sea life park in San Diego is the closest facility.
That's over a hundred miles away.
Those animals aren't going to make it traveling that far.
Look at least we're here until Saturday, and hopefully, that'll be enough time for Gilly to make it.
Hey! Well, I really don't speak Italian, but in film, words don't really matter, do they? Isn't she wonderful? Dita, baby! Terrific party! Marty, you're looking uh, good, that's it.
Little further Don't fall! Don't fall.
Okay.
This place is one big accident waiting to happen.
Tell me about it.
Excuse me, I don't think it's a real good idea to go swimming right now.
I never listen to "idea" men.
Look, I'd rather stop you now than have to save you from drowning.
Son, with all the sharks and barracudas at this party, it's more than likely I'll have my arms and legs chewed off before I drown.
Whoa! Whoa! I got you.
I think I'll sit down.
Okay.
Hello, my darling.
Hey! Hey! Hey! What is with you?! Keep your fire under control, will ya?! You all right? Yeah, thanks.
Sure.
Who the hell are you two?! I'm Mitch Buchannon.
This is Eddie Kramer.
We're the L.
A.
County lifeguards.
Good Lord the hired help.
The only reason you're here is because my insurance company requires it.
So don't stop anyone from having a good time, just make sure no one drowns.
Your friends keep drinking and swimming, believe me, somebody is going to drown.
Don't be ridiculous.
These aren't my friends.
This is business.
So don't get in the way, or you'll be out the door in half an hour.
Better call your insurance agent.
Why is that? We're out the door now.
All right, have it your way.
Do whatever it is you people do.
Just don't overdo it.
Fair enough? Okay.
When we start filming this in a couple of weeks, uh, I play this martial arts instructor in Venice who's actually a private investigator.
And he kind of gets romantically involved with this beautiful street musician.
But you see, she's "actually " We don't want to give the plot away, do we, darling? Let me borrow him for a few minutes.
I promise I'll bring him right back.
Excuse us, dear.
Larry, darling, charm the press.
Always charm the press.
Never reveal too much about yourself or your project, all right? Well, my new film comes out in two months.
And this time, I have lines.
Vittorio, darling.
Ah! I'm so happy to see you.
How are you? I see you've already met Fernando.
Vittorio's seen every one of my pictures.
Ah.
He doesn't like one of them.
Vittorio, darling, I'd like for you to meet Larry Brooks, the star of "our" picture.
It's a pleasure, sir.
Pleasure.
Larry, dear, this is Fernando, your director.
I hope you like my pictures.
I admire each and every one of them, sir.
As a matter of fact, I've always wanted to work in Italy.
Don't mind if I do.
Thank you.
This is terrific.
What is this? I think it's either tofu or eel.
Hi! Why don't you get some rest? Hey.
Why don't you stay in the pool a while? I'm sorry.
I'm on duty.
Pity.
Uh, no, sir, please, don't put that in the water.
Why not? 'Cause I said so.
Yeah! Get the boat back out.
Get the boat back out! Hey, is that my agent on the phone? Past the breakwater! Get it back out! Eddie! Get the boat back to breakwater! Eddie! Aah! Whoa! Get out there.
What? There's press here be a hero.
Dita, I hate the water.
Go on! Here! Take it! Okay.
I got you.
Hang on.
Eddie! Over here! No.
Let go! Let go! No! No! Let go of the line! Damn it! Let go! On three.
One, two, three.
All right, ease it in.
I got him.
All right, let's go.
Let's move it.
I'll check with you in Emergency, huh? All right.
He shouldn't have been out there.
Lucky for him, you were.
Lucky for you, no one else was seriously hurt.
For services rendered.
I don't accept tips.
That's exactly what a hero should say.
You know, you could make what you just did out there for the cameras.
What, as a stuntman? No.
As a star.
If he can do it, anyone can.
I could have the script rewritten, make the lead a lifeguard, who is also a private eye.
Big rescues, great love scene.
What do you say? I can't believe this guy turns down an opportunity of a lifetime.
Just don't want to be in some stupid action flick.
Oh, come on, Mitch, they make millions! It could've been a whole new career for you.
My career is saving people.
What about saving animals? What's wrong? Gilly.
How is she? Eh, she's barely hanging on.
And if ORCAS closes down, Gilly and thousands like her are not gonna survive.
Why would ORCAS close down? Why does anything worthwhile close down? There's not enough money.
Hey, Mitch, do the words "Don't fall asleep in the poppy fields" mean anything to you? The Wicked Witch.
Mm.
That is one hell of a broomstick she rode in on.
Mitch! Let's talk.
What do you got to lose? Forget I said that.
Mitch shouldn't be alone with her.
She's gonna eat him alive.
I don't get it.
I was there, too, was I not? Huh? Rescuing people, pulling 'em out like tuna.
Why him? Why did this Dita pick pick him to be the movie star? What does Mitch have that I don't? Eddie, Mitch isn't gonna do this anyway.
Oh, money, honey, it's a great motivator.
I can't let him blow this.
I don't get it.
You'd be a believable hero, Mitch.
"That's" the difference.
Women will fantasize about you.
Trust me, I know what women like.
The only time I've ever been in front of a camera is when they videotaped my wedding.
You're married? Divorced.
So you can see how well that performance turned out.
Beatty, Selleck they have that certain something that made them a star.
You have it, too, Mitch.
No, I don't.
I- I don't have that.
Listen to me, Mitch.
I only pretend to be a bitch because it serves me well in a very tough business.
And I'm in business to make money.
So I wouldn't invest it in you if I wasn't sure you could do this.
I'm a lifeguard.
And Boz was a football player.
Arnold was a bodybuilder.
They're pro athletes.
What's a lifeguard? You're a professional swimmer, and swimmers are fantastic athletes.
Mitchie, sweetheart! Sorry I'm late.
I sent you a fax from the car did you get it? Hi.
Harvey Miller, Mr.
Buchannon's personal manager.
I'm looking forward to opening negotiations with you on my client's behalf.
Ah.
Your, uh, client doesn't seem willing to entertain my offer.
Oh.
Well, that's because I do all of his entertaining for him.
" So, what kind of figures are we talking about here? Well, I don't think we should discuss money in front of your client.
We have no secrets from each other, do we, Mitch? Uh, no I want to screen test him.
After we pre-negotiate the deal.
You know, the up front, the back end.
Of course.
Upon signing, he becomes "pay or play.
" With a buyout.
I'm gonna need name above the title.
On the sequel, not the first time out.
Let's talk motor home.
A honey wagon.
- Star wagon.
- Fine.
How much up front? $10,000.
- $20,000.
- 30.
$25,000 on signing against 150 on the first day of photography.
It's a done deal.
Done deal.
We'll talk.
I know I shouldn't be doing this.
No, let me.
I wanted to do this the first time I saw you.
How come it took you so long? Maybe I want you to suffer.
Or maybe it's because you're so cold.
"The only thing cold about me is my gun.
" The only I can't say that.
Who writes this stuff? Come on, Mitch, remember what we talked about? What is your intention in the scene? To get this thing over as quickly as possible.
Listen, you want me to show him how to do it? Eddie, there can only be one director on the set.
This is a living room.
Which is why you are not the director.
Now, Mitch, look, it's easy.
I need those headshots by 6:00.
And make sure you touch up that mark on his chin there.
And put the glint in his eye, you know? A couple of those little white dots.
Hey.
Hmm? You're not upset, are you? No, no, of course not.
I mean, because, you know, this is just for Mitch and to help Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I know.
Well, then what's wrong? Nothing, nothing.
You know, if you want to, we can play this scene tonight, and I won't even make you suffer.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Mitch, you can't change a line.
Remember, this is a screen test.
You have to treat every word of the text as if it was Shakespeare.
I remember when I was a contract player at Fox Shakespeare was still alive.
Which is why children are not allowed on the set.
All right, Mitch, tell me, what exactly is your motivation? You got me.
Money, Dad.
We need the money, right? Right.
Right.
Ready? Let's take it again, from the top.
Hang on a minute.
Could we do that other scene? Let me just try the other scene.
Shauni, no offense or anything.
Eddie, you know the lines, you need the sides? The what? The sides, the words, the script.
Oh.
No, no, I know it, I know this.
Good.
We'll do it over here.
"Hold it right there, you scuz " Eddie, come on, let's make some room.
Move that back.
Use this for the chainsaw.
Ah, right.
All right.
Eddie, you're a drug-crazed killer with a chainsaw.
He's got you cornered.
He's unarmed.
But you know he's deadly.
Ready? Action.
Mitch.
Mitch, line.
Hold it right there! Scuzbucket! - Scudbucket.
- Scudbucket.
Like Scud missile, Dad.
Got it, got it.
Hold it right there scudbucket.
Stay back, man, or I'll cut you! I swear, I'll slice you into toothpicks! No way.
No way, that thing's about to run out of gas.
Yeah, well, I hope it does right in the middle of your skull! What? What's up, Doc? How's it going, Shauni? Well, from the looks of things around here, not so good.
Well, packing is never fun.
How's Gilly? You want the truth? No, maybe you better lie.
Well, I, uh I wouldn't get my hopes up.
Frank, what would you think if I did something for a good cause that I wasn't real crazy about doing? Don't do it.
You don't even know what it is yet.
Okay but if it's dangerous or illegal, don't do it.
I'm talking about a bikini contest.
How am I supposed to talk with all this makeup on? Don't worry, Mitch, with this sun, it'll probably melt off after every take.
Over here, over here.
Oh, great, I'll be standing there with my face in my shoes.
You should see it out there! Reflectors, cameras action.
I can't do this.
Sure, you can.
Mitch, you just do it like you did in rehearsal.
Okay.
Good.
Without the giggles, though.
Yeah, without the giggles.
Oh, come on, your old man's a natural.
The camera loves him! Hey, I saw your headshots.
The girls at the photo lab were swooning.
Now, come on, get on out there and show those amateurs what a real hero is made out of.
Come on, come on! All right, Dad, let's go! You can do it! How do I look? Terrific.
Great! Awesome! Super! Okay.
Are there a lot of people out there? No.
No, not They're just enjoying the surf and the sand.
They'll hardly know you're there.
Hardly know you're there.
Just another day at the beach, right? Right.
Another day at the beach.
Right! Right.
Right, the beach.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Get back, man, or I'm gonna cut you! I'm going to slice you into toothpicks! No way, man.
No way, that thing That thing's about to run out of Cut! I'm sorry, I forgot the lines.
No, no, darling, not now, please.
Not now.
Can just do it one more time? I'll get it right.
It's no problem.
Just take it one line at a time.
Okay? All right? Wonderful.
Great.
Got it.
Ah! From the top.
Okay, settle! No way.
No way.
Quiet, please! All right, let's roll.
No way.
Screen test, Mitch Buchannon, take 23.
No way.
That things about And Motivation.
Action.
Hey, Harv, I got to talk to you.
Not now.
Not now.
Hold it right there, scuzbucket.
Get back, man, or I'm going to cut you! I'm going to cut you into toothpicks! No way.
That thing's about to run No Cut! Cut! Cut! Could I talk to you for a second? Of course, Mitch.
Do you mind if we do this without the saw running? Without the saw What a great idea! We'll just "pretend" that it's still running.
But I still want you to show fear that the blades are going to shred this beautiful face.
But only beneath the surface.
On the surface you have no fear.
Play the subtext.
Subtext.
Subtext.
Subtext.
Mop him up.
Let's do it again.
He doesn't want to do this.
Just make him look good.
Subtext.
What the hell is subtext.
Hey, listen, I think I know how to get sponsors for this bikini contest of yours.
What? How? How? How about a benefit for ORCAS? What a concept.
Hey I like it! It's Silence! Talk to you later.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Let's roll.
Mitch Buchannon, take 25.
"Scudbucket.
" And Just be cool, just be cool.
Action! Hold it right there scuzbucket! Scudbucket! Cut! No, no! No, keep rolling.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry.
Hold it right there scudbucket.
Help! Help! This guy's crazy, help us! Hey! Leave her alone! Keep shooting! Keep shooting! Yeah, go.
Ah Get him.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Oh! You better have these ribs looked at.
Yeah.
And that face.
Let me see.
I want my leading man to be in perfect shape.
That means he got the job! Now, make yourself useful go get that crazy to sign a release so we can use this footage.
You got it! Well done.
Well done.
You were terrific! Hey, this looks great.
Thanks! I've got some more promotional pamphlets inside.
Great.
Yeah, I think you signed up every surf shop and restaurant between the Orange and Ventura County line.
Yeah, and I got Jag bathing suits to underwrite some of the expenses.
I just hope that we got enough girls.
Well, all we really need is you, my little rumpus room.
Oh, no, I've got a million things to do if I'm going to get this put on in time.
Hey, hey, I got a slew of lifeguards who are willing to put up a ton of money to sponsor one of their own.
Well, then, they're just going to have to get one of their own.
Who? Hmm You talkin' to me? Hey! Hey, yeah, you.
You talkin' to me? You doing your homework? Uh, the door was open.
Don't worry, I locked it.
Hi.
I've just come from the editing room.
Has anyone ever told you you have the bluest eyes? I had nothing to do with that.
The fight scene is fantastic.
I think we should work on making the love scene equally realistic.
Um, uh, I got a little boy upstairs.
I won't make a sound.
Um Mm, mm I am going to make you a superstar.
But Dita, Mm I don't think this was part of the deal.
Well, call it an oral agreement.
Mitch Mitch, don't disappoint me.
I'm sorry.
I think you better leave.
You're not being very smart, Mitch.
No, I kinda think this is the smartest thing I've done since I got involved in this mess.
All right.
You're going to regret this.
Maybe I will but I'll live with it.
You talkin' to me? I can't believe you did that or didn't.
I couldn't.
But she's a fox.
Oh, that's not the point.
Wait a minute.
Were you fired, or did you quit? I think I was fired.
What's the difference? You signed the contract, though, didn't you? Yeah.
Yes! Pay or play, baby! Pay or play! Feedback that's my cue.
Got to go! Pay or play, yes! What do you think? L.
A.
County's got the best-looking women? Yeah! Well, if I could have just one minute of your time, I want to tell you that we also have a very important environmental responsibility to uphold.
Every year, thousands of sea mammals need medical treatment to survive and they're not getting enough help, so please spend some money.
Pick your favorite girl and back her with some cash so that we can keep ORCAS open, and that's all I have to say.
Thank you.
Hey, come on! Come on! Shut up! Shut up! Why you clapping? I'm not wearing a bikini! Well, all right, I'm wearing a bikini.
Underneath this shirt and these shorts I am wearing a teeny, tiny pair of briefs.
It's not a pretty sight, "but" since my lifeguard buddies have chosen to sponsor me you guys better come up with some bucks if you want your contestant to win because, folks, this is strictly pay-per-view.
All right, okay, now it's time now for the final contestant showdown.
Ladies, strut your stuff.
Whoo, whoo, whoo! Okay, now it's time to announce the winner of our competition.
This will be the contestant with the most money pledged on her behalf.
And the winner is Envelope, please.
Thank you.
With a grand total of $5,137 Har Harvey Miller! Whoo! Whoo! But the real winner is the ORCAS Foundation with a grand total of $32,000! Whoo! Hello, sweetie.
Hi, Gilly.
How are you today? Mm? Are you feeling better? Are you feeling better? You look so pretty.
How long before she can be released? She's regained a lot of strength.
I think that we can let her go before we close up tomorrow.
I'm really sorry it wasn't enough.
Shauni, raising this much money on such short notice was unbelievable.
I know.
I know.
I just wish I would have known sooner.
There were a lot of corporate people that I didn't get to wrestle Hey, what's happening? Oh, no.
Why all the sad faces? We came up short.
Short? How short? $20,000.
Unbelievable coincidence.
"$20,000.
" Mitch? Pay or play.
Pay or play.
I had no idea what it meant until yesterday.
Can you believe it? Harvey finally came through.
Mitch, you really need this money.
No, no, it's okay.
Look, the truck is running.
Hobie can play hockey.
These guys wouldn't stand a chance without this place.
Thank you.
I don't know what to say.
You're a good girl.
Yes, you're a good girl.
Here we go.
Everybody ready? Come on, Gilly, get up there.
Go! Really great.
Appreciate it.