Becker s02e13 Episode Script

The Hypocratic Oath

1 ( upbeat blues theme playing ) It just took me 20 minutes to go three blocks.
Some idiot jumps off a building, so a cop's got traffic going every which way.
I mean, for God's sake, if you're gonna kill yourself, you know, at least have the decency to wait until after rush hour.
Where have you been? I'm out here talking to myself.
Well, it must be nice to have someone to agree with you for a change.
Listen, now do me a favor and keep talking to yourself, because I have to cram for a Psychology test.
Psychology, yeah, right.
How hard can it be? "Hi, you hate your mother.
That'll be a hundred bucks.
" As opposed to, "Get lots of rest and drink plenty of fluids.
That'll be a hundred and fifty?" Now, if you'll excuse me, this guy Brad's coming over to help me study.
He's a Psychology major.
Oh, Brad the Psych major, huh? Let me guess: long hair, sandals, has that pretentious college kid smirk you wanna smack off with a baseball bat? Geez, Becker, you've never even met him, and it's like you pre-hate him.
Saves time.
And just so you know, the only reason why he's helping you is because he wants to sleep with you.
Now, why would you say something like that? He's a college kid.
Basically, that's a penis with a backpack.
John, oh, I'm glad you're here.
Listen, uh, do you think you could squeeze me in for a physical today? Yeah, I suppose so.
What's wrong? Uh, I think I might be running into some health problems.
You see, I met this girl who's into Astrology, right? And she told me-- Astrology? Oh, congratulations, Reg, Psychology just moved up a notch.
Becker, Astrology goes back thousands of years.
Thousands of years ago people were crapping in their hats.
It's just another dumb-ass system created by the tiny-minded to deal with the complexities of human life, because rather than think for themselves, it's easier to believe that our fate is controlled by some great apocalyptic voodoo monkey in the sky.
( sighs ) See what you did? All I know is that there's a lot of bad juju out there, and I can't quite see it coming.
Are you gonna help me or not? Fine.
Come by around noon.
That's when the Sun God Ra has pulled his chariot halfway across the sky.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) Okay, we only have a few appointments, so it should be pretty quiet.
Yes, Margaret.
And you know Walter Jackson is waiting in Room One.
Yes, Margaret.
And the supplies are coming in later this morning, right? Yes, yes, and yes, Margaret.
God, you don't have to tell me everything like a million times.
Did you call the locksmith to fix the bathroom door? Well, if you'd leave already, maybe I could get around to it.
Come on, the lawyer said you have to be in his office exactly at 10.
I just don't feel right about this.
Evelyn Crane was just a patient I got friendly with.
Why would she mention me in her will? Who cares? The important thing is you were nice to someone, and lucky you, they died.
Think about it, you could come back rich.
If I can come back rich, I'm not coming back.
Walter, nice to see you again.
New shoes? The left one.
So how are you feeling? Good, but that's the problem.
I read this article about people who can't feel pain, and I've been feeling fine lately, so it got me thinking, what if I'm one of those people? I mean, I could be in excruciating pain right now and not even know it.
Walter, that condition's called hyposensitivity, and I seriously doubt if you have it.
Well, I-I'd like to know for sure.
Isn't there some kind of test you can run? Oh, boy.
Oh, thank God.
Always nice to see you, Walter.
Oh, but what if I do get that disease? How will I know? All right, here.
Home test kit.
Adler's Medical Supply.
You want 'em all right here? No, no, why don't you leave the truck outside for a couple months? If I want anything, I'll just go out and get it.
Okay, smart-ass.
Linda, I'm gonna go to lunch.
Oh, did, uh, Margaret remember to call a locksmith? Oh, uh, she must have forgotten.
You know what I always say, if you want something done right, do it yourself.
Oh, you want me to do it? I'll get right on it.
Okay, oh.
Locksmith, locksmith, lava lamps.
Ooh, I've been looking for one of those.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) Sorry to keep you waiting, Ms.
Evelyn's sister just arrived, so we can begin.
I didn't know she had a sister.
Okay, let's do this.
I gotta catch a shuttle to Atlantic City, and if I'm late for that buffet, all those old cockers gum down all the shrimp.
Oh, my God, you look-- Exactly like Evelyn.
Well, we were identical twins, so that's the very first time I ever heard that.
Who are you? Uh, this is Margaret Wyborn.
Your sister mentioned her in the will.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Well, I haven't lost anything yet.
Let's hear the will first.
Actually, there won't be a reading as such.
Crane recorded her final wishes on tape.
That's my sister.
Even in death she's a colossal pain in the ass.
Must run in the family.
Approaching the end of one's life brings back waves of poignant memories.
But where to begin? How's about where you die and divvy up your stuff? Why not at the beginning? They say the day I was born was the hottest day in July Oh, God.
Well, I guess you can kiss those shrimp goodbye.
( blues theme playing ) Hey, Reg.
Well, the really classy places have lobsters in a tank.
I suppose rats in a box could catch on.
Did you want something? I was gonna have a burger, but let's just say coffee and a muffin, definitely to go.
( register rings ) I'll be right back.
I can't believe in this day and age they're still using rats to study Psychology.
If you want to learn about people, use people.
I mean, we got a city full of the homeless and a lot of subway tunnels.
So who's the kid? That's Brad, my study partner.
That's Brad? Oh, come on, Reg, he's an embryo.
Don't start.
And by the way, you couldn't have been more wrong about him.
You said he'd hit on me, and he's been a perfect gentleman.
Well, of course he's not interested in you.
You are a little-- What's the word I'm looking for here, oh, yeah, old.
What did you say? Sorry, Grandma.
I said you're a little-- I am not too old.
Boys his age fantasize about women like me, women that are-- Old? No.
Mature? No.
Seasoned? No.
Experienced? No.
Been around the block? No.
( chuckles ) Yeah, that's it.
By the way, you have a little hamburger stuck in your hair there.
He doesn't think I'm too old.
If I paid him the slightest bit of attention, he'd be following me around like a puppy dog.
That's because you still have a little hamburger there.
Chat's over.
Here's your food.
If you don't say another word, it's on the house.
Way too old for him.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) Oh, Linda, can I see you for a second, please? Uh, okay.
Well, where are you? Over here.
Where? I'm over here.
Well, where the-- Meet me in the kitchen.
Okay, here's the thing: there was a slight mix-up in our supply order.
Twenty-thousand syringes? That was supposed to be 200.
Fifty-thousand tongue depressors? That was supposed to be 500.
See, those aren't zeros.
I was doodling, and I guess my little moon faces looked like zeros to them when I faxed it in.
Why didn't you tell the delivery idiot just to take it all away? MAN ( behind door ): I heard that.
Okay, here's the other thing.
Before the delivery guy left, he used the bathroom, and the lock got stuck.
So even if he did want to take it away, which he didn't because you pissed him off, he couldn't.
So in a way this is kind of your fault.
Did you call the locksmith? Why does everyone keep asking me that? I'm not incompetent.
Did you? Well, I was about to when you came in.
MAN: Hey, get me outta here.
I'm behind in my route, and I missed lunch.
How about I slip 2000 pizzas under the door? MAN: You can see, but I'm making a gesture in here.
Hey, the lights just went out.
I'll get right on it.
BRAD: The rat and the maze serve as a behavioral model for a man and his world.
What is it with men and models? You know, I used to be a model.
Oh, I wasn't talking about that kind of model.
I meant a model for society.
You know, a paradigm? Boy, you're lucky I'm helping you.
Uh, anyway, when the rat's environment is no longer stable, his behavior becomes unpredictable.
BECKER: What do you mean, the locksmith will be here when he "gets around to it?" This is an emergency.
Am I the only one in this neighborhood who remembers that we're all here to help each other? Doctor Becker.
Oh, what now? It's Theresa Campbell.
I need your help.
Where are you? Oh, over here.
What-- What happened? Jimmy hit Sean with his hockey stick and cut his cheek.
Don't you kids ever do this kind of stuff on weekends? The cut's not that bad.
Go on back to Room One.
Linda, I need Betadine, gauze, and butterfly bandages.
Okay, here's the thing-- No, no, no more things.
Don't-don't tell me you didn't order any bandages.
I ordered 10,000.
I'm just not sure where they are.
Well, here's an idea: look.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) That summer we all went to the beach.
Mother said if you would hold a shell up to your ear, you could hear the ocean.
( coughs ) For a woman with emphysema, she sure talks a lot.
Excuse me, I know I'm not family-- No.
and at night we'd sit on the porch and look up at the sky But I think Evelyn was sweet.
So is a jelly donut.
Did you ever try talking to one? You are being very rude.
Hey, I put up with her boring stories all my life.
What'd you do, give her a mint on the bus? I wish somebody would give you a mint.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) So operant conditioning is just getting the rat to perform a desired behavior.
If you want him to run the maze, put some cheese at the end.
( laughs ) What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just thinking about this movie that just came out.
It's supposed to be really funny, and I'd just love to see it.
Well, if we get done studying early enough, you could still catch it.
Oh, Reggie, uh, could I ask you something? I-I feel kind of awkward bringing this up because I know I'm supposed to be tutoring you, but-- Oh, no, Brad, you can ask me anything.
I mean, absolutely anything.
In fact, I've sort of been expecting it.
So I wouldn't be out of line if I asked you to make me an egg salad sandwich? Damn Becker.
Hey, Reg, I know it's none of my business, but, uh, this Brad guy sounds a little young for-- He's not that young.
Could you cut the crusts off my sandwich? Crusts off.
You got it.
( chuckles ) Now, listen, I gotta run to Becker's for my physical.
You two have fun.
Hey, Reg, you know how women are always trying to change guys? Well, now you got one that will probably need changing every couple hours.
( laughs ) REGGIE: Brad, do you just want the sandwich, or can I give you a little something on the side? No, just the sandwich.
Now, this is fascinating.
I removed the cheese from the maze, and it upset his entire sense of reality.
It's like his whole world has descended into total chaos.
BECKER: Jimmy.
Knock this off.
THERESA: Sean, come back here.
That's a real skeleton, Jimmy.
Put that-- Jimmy, that is not a toy.
( phone ringing ) Sean, let the doctor make you better or Mommy's gonna kill you.
Sean-- Where are the bandages? I'm trying to find them.
Is the electrician here yet? No, not yet.
So are you gonna be able to open the door or not? I'm working on it.
It's rusted.
Yeah, what is this? National Incompetence Day? Linda, would you answer the damn phone.
Oh, all right.
Hello, damn doctor's office.
Yes, I do want to buy a lava lamp, but I don't have time right now.
Oh, Doctor Becker, I've got Sean in the exam room, but now Jimmy's missing.
Don't lose Sean.
Help us find Jimmy, will you? Ow.
Geez, I just smashed my hand.
Oh, why does everything happen to me? All right, now, does that hurt? Ow.
All right, all right, second door on the right.
I'll take some x-rays.
Damn it! I can't function like this.
I-I need Margaret.
Where's Margaret? ( snoring ) And then for my 17th birthday, Father hosted a garden party.
And that was the night he gave me my first sip of champagne.
I am starting to think this woman bored herself to death.
I'm outta here.
Everyone went to bed early that night, except for me and my sister's fiancée, Charlie.
That's the night I lost my virginity.
Well, I'm not in that big of a hurry.
It was the beginning of an affair that lasted 45 years.
Even after Charlie's marriage to my sister Edith.
Every chance we got, we snuck out to a motel.
I would put on outfits and Charlie would spank me and call me his "little whore.
" ( laughs ) We could have married, but the thrill of our affair was too delicious to ruin with the drudgery of marriage.
That, I left to Edith.
And that's all I left her.
( laughs ) Hey, Drucilla.
What? You might want to watch this.
It really picks up near the end.
I put on outfits and Charlie would spank me Huh? and call me his "little whore.
" ( upbeat blues theme playing ) Anyway, when the rats finally accept that there will never be any cheese at the end of the maze, it's-- What are you, gay? What? We have spent the entire day together and all we've talked about is rats.
Don't you find me attractive? Well, yes, sure I do.
Then did it occur to you at some point to ask me out? Yeah, especially a while ago when you were pressing your breast against my arm.
Then why didn't you? Well, I was nervous.
Now, now, there's no reason to be nervous.
Go ahead, give it a shot.
So do you want to go out? Is that a yes? No.
But thank you for asking.
What? Oh, this is so great.
Becker was so wrong.
I am so not too old for you.
Then why don't you wanna--? Okay, enough fooling around.
Let's get back to the rats.
Uh, uh, well, when there's no cheese in the maze, the-- Are you sure you don't wanna--? Come on, rat boy, I've got a test to take.
Uh, well, it's at this point that the rats really begin to turn on each other.
THERESA: Get back here.
Linda, help Theresa catch her kids.
And find me those damn bandages.
Well, what about the kids? First do what I tell you, then do what I told you.
You know, yelling doesn't solve anything.
Oh, yes, it does.
It makes me feel better.
( phone ringing ) MAN: Come on, get me outta here.
Shut up! I'm working' on it.
THERESA: Sean, get over here? I'm not kidding now.
Where am I? LINDA: Call back.
Is this Doctor Becker's office? Uh, Jake, over here.
Go on down to the exam room.
Second door on the left.
I told you that's not a toy.
Got it.
You broke my nose! You broke my nose.
Whoa! ( fire alarm ringing ) ( Theresa yelling at kids ) Oh, I hate when I do that.
Fire! Fire! Everybody out! Every-- Oh! ( upbeat blues theme swells ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) Oh, come on, just because you hear an alarm, does that mean you have to come racing over? Okay, all right, it does.
Thank you, Doctor Becker.
Yeah, Theresa, let me ask you something.
What in the world would make you decide to have all those kids? The key word here is "decide.
" Uh, gotcha.
Sorry about the fire alarm.
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's been one of those days.
Look, you're fine, Jake.
Just don't listen to anymore of that astrology crap.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Although I am an Aries, and she did say that that's a fire sign-- Oh, get out.
Go on.
You won't believe what happened to me today.
I sat in that lawyer's office for hours.
You know what that old lady left me? A videotape of her life story.
I swear, if I ever-- What the hell happened here? Okay, here's the thing ( upbeat blues theme swells ) ( upbeat blues theme playing )