Becker s02e17 Episode Script

The Roast That Ruined Them

( upbeat blues theme playing ) Do you sell all these dirty magazines? Boy, I tell you, the world's gone to hell, Jake.
Ten years ago, the big seller was Guns N' Ammo.
If you ask me, the world's getting better.
Oh, that was a great run.
I'll see you later? Yeah, I'll meet you at the student union before class.
We can get a soda.
Oh, come on, Reg.
You're dating that kid from your Psych class? Yeah, what's wrong with that? Come on, he's three.
What's his name again? Skippy? Brad.
And I'm not that much older than him.
Yeah, in dog years.
Besides, I thought you told me you didn't like him.
Changed my mind.
Brad's everything I like in a man.
He's smart, handsome, funny.
Breathing.
( chuckles ) Shut up.
You know what? You know, I think it's great.
You couldn't find a boyfriend, so you grew one.
( laughing ) You know, older men date younger women all the time.
It is such a double standard.
Damn right it is.
An older guy dates a younger woman, he's a pig.
An older woman dates a younger man, she's "getting her groove back.
" I can't believe you're so old-fashioned.
I can't believe you saw that movie.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) Gil, you can call whenever you want.
I just stand around most of the time anyway.
Oh, I gotta go.
( whispers ) Yeah, it's her.
And her is not happy.
"Big nose and greasy hair" should not be written on a patient's charts.
Well, then, why is there a space for a second opinion? You know, if you took the time to understand why we do what we do around here, instead of making calls, maybe you wouldn't make these mistakes.
First of all, Gil called me.
And, second-- Go on.
If you should find yourself with nothing to do, why don't you observe what I do? Maybe you will learn something.
Okay.
But we can skip talking on the phone, 'cause I think I got that down.
Hi, Linda, Margaret.
Is he in? Hi, Liz.
Yeah, he's in his office.
Go on back.
John, we have to talk.
What? I didn't do anything.
No, no.
No, no, relax.
It's just that I don't have to work Saturday night.
Oh, great, great.
There's a championship fight on.
We can order food from Ming's.
No.
That's what we have to talk about.
I can't stay home, watch TV, and order Chinese one more night.
Well, you're in luck.
They have Thai dishes at Ming's.
No, no, no.
I wanna go out.
I wanna socialize.
I wanna see people.
John, you and I are like two gophers who go underground on Friday night and don't come up until Monday morning.
Now, this has gotta change.
So I've decided we're gonna have a dinner party.
I don't even know you anymore.
Come on, it's gonna be fun.
We'll have some people to my place.
No, I don't-- I don't wanna go to your place.
Your place is too far.
Fine.
We'll have it at your place with your friends.
No, Liz, don't-- John, this means a lot to me.
Couldn't we please do it? Even though that was phrased as a question, it really wasn't, was it? Not really, no.
All right, all right.
We'll have a dinner party.
And you'll smile and mingle and be a gracious host.
Oh, man, I thought it was just a dinner party.
( blues theme playing ) Jake, do you really think it's weird I'm dating someone so much younger? No, not at all.
Good.
I can see how you'd wanna hold on to your youth as long as possible.
I mean, most women your age are getting face-lifts or boob jobs.
( chuckles ) I wanted to get a boob job, but newsstand operator was taken.
Okay, let's not do this anymore.
Cradle-robber.
Oh, good, you're both here.
Uh, Saturday night, my place.
You're both invited to a dinner party.
( both laugh ) No, no, I'm serious.
I'm serious.
For some insane reason, Liz wants us to see other people, so I couldn't think of anyone I liked, I'm inviting the two of you.
But, John, the fight's on Saturday night.
So watch it at my place.
During a dinner party? Without sound.
A big help.
Thanks.
Well, great, great.
You'll be there.
And you can bring Kira.
And you can bring, uh, Skippy.
All right, I'll come.
But you have to promise not to make fun of Brad.
N-not make fun of Brad? Come on, Reg, it's supposed to be a party.
( laughing ) ( blues theme playing ) Margaret, why do you type the forms? 'Cause they're easier to read.
Why do you use those stamps? 'Cause those are the ones we have.
Why not use pretty stamps, like Christmas stamps? Christmas is over.
Well, so is James Cagney, but you use those.
Margaret, have you got any more responses for my dinner party? Oh, I'm only up to "G" in your address book, and so far it's ten "No's," six "No ways," four hang-ups, and a word so filthy I had to ask Linda what it meant.
It was a good one.
Oh.
Oh, what the hell? You know.
What're you two doing Saturday night? Despite that gracious invitation, have you forgotten the last time you, me, and Louis had dinner together? And he's still upset? That was six years ago.
Okay, I'll talk to him.
Thank you.
And what about you and, uh, whoever you'll be seeing by Saturday? That would be Gil, but the court says he can't go north of 125th Street or his electric boot'll go off.
( blues theme playing ) ( crowd cheering on television ) John, I shopped for the food, I made the dinner, I set the table.
Would it be too much trouble to ask you to turn off the damn fight and put on your pants? There.
Thank you.
Now, I think Kira can sit over there between Louis and Brad.
Boy, I hope I didn't make too much salad.
Oh, hey, look at that.
Jake's on TV.
I thought he was coming to dinner.
That reminds me.
Uh, no, he called earlier.
Uh, he and Kira got tickets to the fight.
John Lucky I didn't turn the TV off.
I would-- I would have forgotten to tell you.
( knocking on door ) Oh, hey, I-I'll get it.
See, I'm being helpful.
Well, now we're just eight.
( mumbling indistinctly ) Either I'm early, or this is a different kind of party than I thought.
Hi.
Where's Louis? Downstairs.
He won't get out of the car.
I just came up to tell you we can't come.
Why? Louis only left the house because I told him we were going to the fight.
I thought I could change his mind, but he really hates you.
I'm sorry, Liz.
What in the world happened between you and Louis? Well, there was trouble.
What kind of trouble? Bad trouble.
Great.
No Jake, no Margaret.
Well, I guess that just leaves six of us.
Uh, actually, sweetheart, it only leaves four of us.
Uh, Linda couldn't come.
Why didn't you tell me? And don't say you forgot.
Well, you're kind of tying my hands here, aren't you? ( knocking on door ) Ah, here we go, here we go.
Hi.
Come on in.
Hi.
Liz, this is Brad.
Brad, Liz.
Hi.
Becker, you remember Brad.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Boy, he's getting bigger every time I see him.
Come on in.
Come on in.
So we must be the first to arrive.
LIZ: And the last.
Linda was never coming, Jake is at the fight, and Margaret's husband hates John so much he wouldn't get out of the car.
May I take your coats? ( knocking on door ) Oh, thank God.
Maybe Louis changed his mind.
Who are you? Wayne.
I'm here for the dinner party.
Do I know you? I don't know.
But some woman named Margaret called and invited me.
I hope you like flan.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) So, Reggie, how did you and Brad meet? Oh, we're in psychology class together.
I saw a psychologist once.
And? She said I was competent to stand trial.
Well, let's not fill up on salad.
There's pot roast coming.
Oh, uh, gee.
Actually, I'm a vegetarian.
Oh.
Gee, I wish you had told John about that.
I did.
Well, now, see, you were worried about having too much salad.
Now he can eat it all.
He could, if there weren't bacon bits in it.
So, Wayne, what do you do for a living? I work at the Cayuga Beef Company.
Oh, God, do you know how they kill those poor animals? Sure.
We take a sledgehammer and bash their heads in.
And sometimes you gotta do it a few times, especially if you get one of 'em that just doesn't wanna die.
Well, I hope everyone's hungry.
It's time for the roast.
Mm.
Okay, I'll get it.
Say, isn't there a fight on the TV tonight? As a matter of fact, there is.
Don't even think about it.
He's our guest, sweetheart.
You don't even know him! Boxing is the one sport I just don't get.
You know.
I mean, what is it? It's two guys in a ring hitting each other.
Yeah, it's-- It's primitive.
It's barbaric.
I hate to disagree, ladies but you two wouldn't survive an hour in the joint.
WAYNE: This is no Cayuga roast.
Ours have more fat on 'em.
Could you pass me the salt, please? You brought your own knife? Why? You wanna borrow it to cut up his food? ( laughs ) ( laughing ) Becker.
I didn't say it.
He did.
John.
Well, he did.
I'm talking about the salt.
I have been slaving away all day to make a nice meal, and you're-- You're-- You're dumping salt on it.
It brings out the natural flavor.
Yeah, of salt.
All I wanted was to have one nice night, and you've done everything possible to sabotage it! So why don't you just strip back down to your underwear and invite a few convicts over so you can talk about meat! It's a poor hostess that makes her guests feel uncomfortable.
Uh, Liz? ( screams ) Shut up! Now I know where I know you from.
You drive a beat-up green Oldsmobile, don't you? You rear-ended me last summer, and we exchanged numbers at the scene.
I'm suing you.
( blues theme playing ) That party was horrible.
I've never felt so out of place in my entire life.
I know what you mean.
Hey, you want a beer? I got my own fridge.
Can you believe someone threw this away? Uh, no thanks.
I'm good.
Look, Brad, I-I'm really sorry about all the cracks Becker was making about your age.
You don't have a problem with it, do you? No, I'm fine.
( screams ) Sorry, dude.
I didn't know that you-- Dude.
Get out of here.
Dude.
( door closes ) Uh, sorry about that.
I just really wanted everything to be just right.
You know, since it's the first time.
You mean, our first time.
No, my first time.
Oh, now I get it.
For a second there, I thought you were serious, And I was like, "ugh.
" Oh, you are serious.
That's cool.
Does it bother you that I'm a virgin? No.
I wanted to wait until I met someone I really liked.
And then I met you.
I'll remember this night for the rest of my life.
Um, Brad, uh, I can't do this.
Reggie, what's wrong? Oh, Brad, you're a terrific guy, and you're right, the first time should be perfect.
And this won't be.
I should go.
Sure there's nothing I can do to change your mind? Positive.
( blues theme playing ) Why are you stapling those forms? I don't know.
Well, why don't you use paper clips instead? I don't know.
Why not staple 'em on the other side? I don't know.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
And I don't know why I don't file the patients by their first names, or why the walls are not a more cheerful color, or why I use blue ink instead of black, or why you are still alive! I just do it how I do it 'cause that's how I do it.
Gosh, Margaret, I'm just trying to learn, like you told me.
Well, now I'm telling you to stop! Just go back to doing exactly what you used to do.
Read a magazine, talk on the phone, screw stuff up.
Just don't bother me! Damn, I'm good.
( blues theme playing ) ( blues theme playing ) Oh, well, if it isn't Mr.
Salty.
Shut up, will you? I heard the fight at your house lasted longer than the one at the Garden.
Yeah, thanks for running out.
What? Did you have to get Junior home so you could tuck him in? As a matter of fact, we did go back to Brad's place.
And, uh, I'll tell you something, I think it's a night that neither one of us will ever forget.
Really? Oh, yeah.
So how's Liz? Still locked in the bathroom? She left shortly after you did.
Did she say anything? Uh, just two words, loudly.
Uh, did it ever occur to you to apologize? Yeah, I'm not very good at apologizing.
How would you know? It was her idea to have the dinner party.
You know.
It wasn't my fault it didn't work.
What am I supposed to do, crawl back to her place on my hands and knees? I'll tell you something, if I had to choose between salt and her, I know which way I'm going.
Well, I'm with you, buddy.
I mean, show Liz who's boss.
Don't let her walk all over you.
I mean, if a man can't salt his own steak-- Hey, uh, just shut up.
Hello, John.
Oh, damn.
The flowers and the phone calls got me over here.
Did you wanna say something? What kind of flowers, badass? Shut up, will you? Can we just talk about this in private, please? Well? What? You sent me flowers.
I assume you wanted to say something to me.
Well, isn't that the point of sending flowers? You don't have to say anything.
All right, I'll talk.
I knew who you were when we started dating, but I thought that occasionally you might meet me halfway.
Well-- But what about the flowers? Forget about the flowers.
Look, let's cut to the chase.
I want to hear you say "I'm sorry.
" You do that, we move on.
The flowers were supposed to come in a mug with a little heart on it.
Did you get the mug? Oh, all right, all right.
I'm sorry.
( both gasp ) Hey, shut up, will you? That's all I wanted.
You wanna go get some Chinese food? Well, if that's what you really want.
No, no, no.
Public.
We're in public.
You know, it wasn't the flowers that got me.
I thought it was pretty cute you sending me those steaks.
I-I didn't send you steaks.
Oh, my God.
( blues theme playing ) ( upbeat blues theme playing )