Becker s04e12 Episode Script

The Ex-Files

1 I'd love to know who that guy is with becker.
Uh-oh, it's mating season again.
Could be.
He's real cute.
You're right.
He is cute.
What? I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality To say another man is cute.
(chuckling) Do you think I'm cute? You have your cute days.
Well, that's good to know.
All right, reg, I'll see you later.
I'm going to the post office.
Hey, you mind if I go with you? If you're going to mail a letter, fine.
If you're going 'cause You want to watch me walk, forget it.
No, really, I'm going that way.
Yeah, that's the vibe I'm getting.
Okay, who needs coffee? I do.
John: Thank you, reg.
Ah, you're so welcome.
Nothing like freshly brewed coffee to start your day, right? I wouldn't know.
Hi.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm reggie.
I'm dan.
I'm sal.
Butt out, sal.
How about that coffee, dan? No thanks.
I'm fine.
Actually, I have to make a quick call.
And don't listen to him.
Your coffee is delicious.
Yeah.
Okay, spill it.
Who is he? Dan fallon.
Who's dan fallon? A friend of mine from medical school.
A cardiologist.
Oh, so he's not like you.
He's a real doctor.
Well, that really hurts, coming from a real waitress.
Don't Don't get all excited.
He just came out of a long marriage.
Oh.
Yeah.
Broke up about six months ago.
Oh.
Look, becker, if you could just No.
All I want is No.
All I'm asking No.
No.
No, I do not set people up.
They always hold you responsible, you know.
They're married 50 years-- One of them dies, it's your fault.
Come on, becker, please.
It's not gonna happen, reg.
He's a friend of mine.
So is his ex-wife.
Well, I'm a friend of yours.
Then don't ask me to do this.
You know, there's only one thing better Than a grateful patient.
It's a grateful patient with the ranger tickets.
Yeah.
Oh, I love the rangers.
Oh, god.
You're a hockey fan? Oh, give me a hot dog, a beer and some broken teeth, And I'm in heaven.
Why don't you join me, then? John's probably getting sick of me anyway.
No, I'd love to go to the hockey game.
Pick you up here about 6:00? Sounds great.
Oh, you know, I refer patients to you for 20 years-- She gets to go to the hockey game.
Don't worry, john.
Next tickets I get I'll probably still take her.
(grumbling): Yeah Oh, linda, I'm so glad you're here.
We've got wall-to-wall patients and a month's worth Of insurance claims to get out.
I'll get right on it.
Oh, my god.
You can see right through that blouse.
You are not working here dressed like that.
Yes! Get back here.
Look, I can't stay here.
I'm terribly inappropriate.
I really should be someplace dark, like a movie.
What were you thinking? I don't know.
Maybe something with bruce willis, or You're staying, and you're wearing that.
And you, get your eyes back in your head, you pervert.
Great.
Now I look like a frumpy nurse.
Excuse me? And by that, I mean I don't wear it nearly as well as you do.
Hi, margaret.
I know I'm a little early.
What time's my appointment again? 11:00.
Got it.
Tomorrow.
Where is my head? Well, we all have our theories.
Okay, I'm putting it in my book For tomorrow, Tuesday, at 11:00.
Tomorrow's Wednesday.
It is? Where does the time go? No, really, where does it go? Hey, margaret, is becker in? Yeah, he's in his office.
Thanks.
So, has he called? Who? Dan.
No.
Why would he call? To tell you what a great time we had on our date, you know.
How we went to the game, we held hands, We stayed up all night talking.
Oh, right, I remember.
He did call.
He told me to tell you to meet him Under the bleachers after study hall.
See ya.
No, becker, wait.
If you recall, I have a rule.
I don't want to get involved in this, reg.
Yes, I know, and I respect that.
But I think I might really like this guy.
So to hell with your rule.
Tell me every single thing You know about his ex-wife.
Just Just leave me alone, all right? Becker, he made some comment About how different I was from her.
Is it true? Are we different? (high-pitched): No, you're not different.
Why'd your voice go up like that? (high-pitched): It did not.
You just did it again.
When people's voices go up like that, They're hiding something.
(high-pitched): Don't be silly.
What is it that you don't want me to know about her? Who is she? What does she look like? You're You're different.
That's all.
You're tall; she's not so tall.
You own a diner; she doesn't.
Look, we all have our own strengths, right? Right.
So what are my strengths? I just told you.
You're tall and you own a diner.
What Dr.
Becker, Mrs.
Cohen's waiting for you in room two.
Hi, reggie.
Hi.
Why are you wearing a bedspread? It's margaret's and I hate it.
So take it off.
Put it back on.
Clearly, I had my hands full.
You know what I mean.
Look, look If you and dan are having a good time, Forget about his ex-wife.
You know, just leave it alone.
You're right.
Yeah.
I always obsess about stuff like this and I shouldn't.
I mean, who cares about her? I have a lot to offer.
(high-pitched): Sure you do.
So, I spent five months in one of those horrible "just divorced" apartment complexes.
It's like a halfway house For guys learning to live with half their money.
Well, this place is certainly nice.
Well, not yet, But I hope it will be, once I get unpacked.
All my personal stuff's still in all these boxes.
Oh, personal stuff.
You know, scrapbooks and photo albums.
It's amazing How you can reduce your entire life To a few packing boxes.
These boxes right here These are the ones with the photo albums? Interesting.
What kind of a host am I? Let me get you something to drink.
Is wine okay? That would be great.
I'll be right back.
Comic books Baseball cards Geez, when do they grow up? Red or white? Red would be great.
Make yourself at home.
Oh, I am.
You want something to go with that wine? I've got something here That I'm pretty sure is cheese.
Sounds good.
Take your time.
Books Cds Wine glasses Where the hell are the pictures? Jackpot.
The wedding album.
Here you go.
Oh, about the cheese-- I took a closer look.
It wasn't cheese.
Mm.
I hope you don't mind drinking out of these.
I haven't found my wine glasses yet.
Oh, they're right in That's okay.
We don't have to be fancy.
I'm so disorganized.
Well, I'd be happy To go through your stuff I mean, help you go through your stuff.
You know, sort everything out.
Or we could just enjoy the wine.
Right.
Mmm, this is great.
You must know a lot about wine.
No, actually my ex-wife was the wine expert.
She drank a lot? She was a drinker? No, she just liked good wine.
But let's not talk about her.
There's something else I'd rather do.
Look through your wedding album? No.
Wasn't that better? I don't know.
I haven't seen your album.
(laughs) (groans) Reggie, you look tired.
Oh, I was up all night.
Oh, that's right; new boyfriend.
Relationships are always so hot in the beginning.
You know, before you have to put a name with a face.
I wasn't with dan; I was by myself.
Ooh, that could be good, too.
No, I I couldn't sleep.
I was up all night stressing about dan's ex.
What about her? Well, that's just it.
I don't know anything about her.
Who is this woman? What does she do? What does she look like? I got to find out what I'm up against.
Dating divorced men is so complicated.
That's why I only date guys who are single or are married.
You know, reg, I have a novel idea.
If you want to know about his ex-wife, ask him.
I don't want to pry.
That would be wrong.
So, I got bob to do it for me.
What are you talking about? I sent him over to becker's.
He and dan and his ex-wife all went to college together.
So, maybe there's pictures.
Well, as long as you're not prying.
Greetings, everybody.
Bob's back, and he's got the goods.
Oh, did you get something on dan's ex? Oh, forget about her.
What bob found is so much better.
Feast your eyes on this.
Ah Uh A little help here.
Well, my fine, blind friend, Back in college it seems john becker Was a member of a barbershop quartet called-- get this-- The harvard squares.
(laughter) Oh, my god! I recognize that sport coat.
(laughter) "john 'bebop' becker sings 'good night, sweetheart' to the kappas.
" What does that mean? You know what it means.
That song--  good night, sweetheart, well, it's time to go   doe-doe-doe-doe.
(laughing harder) Hey, I'm hearing laughing, I'm hearing singing, But I'm not hearing anything about dan's ex.
Oh, yeah, that.
Her name is pam patterson.
You know, and I found a bunch of clippings, But they all can't be about the same person.
I mean, no one woman can be miss virginia, A rhodes scholar, phi beta kappa And turned down a fellowship to nasa.
Miss virginia? A rhodes scholar? I haven't been any of those.
Well, look, you got a lot of great qualities.
And, you know, any guy would be lucky to have you.
You really think so? (high-pitched): Sure I do.
Why didn't you tell me that pam patterson Is the most accomplished woman in the entire world? Oh, so you saw that thing on the news last night? She was on the news? Well, every time the u.
N.
Has a new policy She works for the u.
N.
? No, the president, really.
You know You know, the commission On public education? Well, she's the head Of the whole You know, never mind.
Look.
Why even bring this up now? You know, he's with you.
But why? I don't know.
There's no such thing as a stupid question.
Idiot.
(margaret and linda humming "good night, sweetheart") What is that? What's what? That song.
Oh, that? That was "rock you like a hurricane" by the scorpions.
Oh.
Well, all right, then.
Morning.
I know, I know, I'm a little late.
A day late.
That's impossible.
Well, you'd think so.
Oh, I know what happened.
It's my aunt connie's fault.
She just came in from australia.
Bringing yesterday with her? No, silly.
When she visits, I set all the clocks back 12 hours.
That way, she doesn't get jet lag.
Maybe that'll make sense later.
Well, you know, you do have to reschedule.
How about tomorrow morning at, uh 9:00? Perfect.
We'll just be finishing dinner.
So, jake Yes, bob? How are things going with you and amanda? Pretty good.
You know, in fact, lately She's been calling me "sweetheart.
" Really? Yeah.
You know, I usually don't like pet names, but Well, I think "sweetheart's" kind of catchy.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
It is.
It's almost melodic.
Yeah.
I thought so, too.
You know, it's got a nice ring to it, you know? Mm-hmm.
"how you doing, sweetheart?" "hi, sweetheart.
" "good night, sweetheart.
" Yeah, how about "shut up, sweetheart"? Yeah, jake, you're right.
That's nice.
Good night, sweetheart.
Well, it's time to go.
I hate to leave you, but I really must say I got to count some candy.
 hello, hello, hello.
What the hell are you doing? Nothing.
Can't a guy say hello? (laughing) (knocking) Hi.
I'm sorry to come by without calling.
Just I've had something on my mind And I wanted to talk to you about it.
Sure.
No problem.
Come on in.
Just putting the place together.
Have a seat.
It's just one little question and then I'll go.
Okay.
Shoot.
Why the hell are you going out with me? Are you insane? Reg, what are you talking about? I can't compete with your ex-wife.
I I mean, today, When she was busy advising the president, You know what I was doing? I was changing the fat in the deep fryer.
So what? So, she's perfect.
She writes books, she wins awards.
She could cook.
I can't do any of those.
It was over between pam and me.
I haven't spoken to her in months.
She could be on the moon for all I care.
See, but that's just it.
Sh-she actually could be on the moon.
Well, I'm not going to lie to you.
Pam is an impressive woman, But she's got a lot of faults.
Name one.
Seriously, I'll take anything.
She snores.
Really? Like a pig? No, no.
It's kind of cute, really.
Like a Oh, yeah, like a pig.
No, I really Shouldn't have come here.
I-I'm sorry.
I'm being stupid.
I got to get back to the diner.
Wait, reggie, listen.
Everything that pam's done-- All of her accomplishments-- none of that matters.
She's not in my life anymore.
You are.
Oh, you're sweet.
I really needed to hear that.
Oh, geez, now I I kind of feel bad About calling her so many times and hanging up.
Talk to you later.
Absolutely.
(playing "good night, sweetheart") Linda! What is that? Nothing.
I was just dusting the piano.
Well, stop it.
(humming "good night, sweetheart") Hey, what's going on here? Nothing.
Well, stop it.
I'm here, margaret.
Right day, right time, I made it.
I guess third time's a charm.
Well, actually, this is my fourth time.
I was here this morning at 6:00.
I had the clock upside down.
I thought it was 9:00.
Well, wouldn't that be It's a digital clock.
I'm not stupid.
I'll get your file.
(humming "good night, sweetheart" ) You're doing it, too.
Why are you singing that song? Was I singing? Yes.
You were singing "good night, sweetheart.
" I'm hearing it everywhere I go.
People are either humming or singing it Or tapping it out on the piano.
Dr.
Becker, you're not making any sense.
How's it feel? You mean my shoulder? It's still a little sore.
That's why I'm here.
What are you talking about? Well, a couple of weeks ago, you examined my shoulder, And you suggested that I get a second opinion.
So Here I am.
So, what did they say? Oh, you mean a second opinion from another doctor.
Coffee, reg.
 hello  hello Hello.
(stifled laughter) Becker, I haven't heard from dan in a couple of days.
I wondered if you'd talked to him.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, he called me this morning.
Is everything all right? Uh You know, we need to talk.
(clears throat) Talk? Yeah.
Maybe we should sit down.
Talk and sit? Yeah, yeah, I'm afraid so.
Ooh, I got a bad feeling.
Yeah, this is never easy, reg.
It's about you and dan.
Oh, I knew it.
He's going to come here And break up with me, isn't he? No, no, no, that's not going to happen.
Oh, thank god.
Yeah, he sent me here to break up with you.
Why? Well, you know, he He realized he missed pam And decided they still belonged together.
I thought he was over her.
Well, so did he until somebody couldn't shut up About how great she is And all the, all the fantastic things she's done.
Me? Yes, you.
You made him fall in love with her all over again.
Well, why didn't he come here and tell me himself? Uh Well, the truth is, Those phony phone calls really freaked him out.
You know whose fault this is, don't you? It's yours.
You should have never set us up to begin with.
What?! Yeah, and when you saw how obsessed I was, You didn't even try to stop me.
I did, too.
Well, you didn't try hard enough.
Oh, yeah, right.
It's all my fault-- yeah, of course.
Yeah, maybe I should have a rule about How I shouldn't get involved in other people's lives! Oh, becker, why do these things never work out for me? Why? Look on the bright side here, you know.
Maybe the next guy you meet Will care enough to break up with you in person.
I'm sorry.
You know, I'm not good at this.
I never know what to say.
Really? 'cause if you think about it, All you had to say was:  doe-doe-doe-doe-doe  good night, sweetheart  well, it's time to go Where did you get that?  doe-doe-doe-doe-doe  good night, sweetheart  well, it's time to go I was trying to fit in.
I didn't have any friends, all right?  we hate to leave you, but we really must say  My mother said I had a great voice.
 good night, sweetheart, good night.
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