Becker s04e17 Episode Script

Picture Imperfect

1 Reg! Right here, jake.
Reg! Right here, jake! Why are we yelling?! Uh, well, last night Amanda dragged me to some club To see a metal band.
She insisted we sit up front Right next to the speakers.
When I woke up this morning, I couldn't hear.
You should have becker check you out.
So I had john check me out and He said I should get my hearing back In a couple of days.
Well, at least you'll be better soon.
Noon?! No, I said a couple of days.
Do you have a hearing problem? Yes, unfortunately, mine's working fine.
Hey, reg.
Hi, bob.
Hey, jake.
I said, "hey, jake.
" Yeah, well, screw you, too.
Bob, jake can't hear.
No, you mean jake can't see.
No, amanda took him to a concert And he lost his hearing.
You're kidding.
He can't hear, he can't see.
He's about as useful as a paperweight.
Yeah, it's still more useful than you.
You know what I hate? (reggie and bob groan) People that come to the door And bully me into buying a bunch of crap I don't want.
This morning it was some pushy little girl in a green uniform.
I had to spend, like, 35 bucks on cookies Just to get her to leave.
Yeah, good luck cashing that check.
Hi, john! How'd you know it was becker?! I felt a blast of hot air On the back of my neck.
What are you doing? Putting a black six on a red seven.
Turn that off or I'm going to put A black five on your red head.
If you're going to keep wearing women's shoes, You may want to lay off the stilettos.
You don't want to look trampy.
You know what? Get off my back.
Ooh, all right, all right.
I mean, after all, you're a big guy.
You're almost as tall as I am.
Well, in heels.
Oh, yeah, great, look who decides to show up.
Where were you yesterday? You know, I had to use tap water In my oatmeal this morning.
How do you find the courage to go on? You know something? Just show up When you're supposed to, for crying out loud.
Wow, is he ever happy? He was happy the day he got that tie he's wearing.
A patient left it here and never came back.
And by that, I mean, he died.
It was kind of bittersweet 'cause he wasn't happy that the guy died, But he really liked that tie.
So how's the water business? Good, Long as people believe There's really a mountain spring in passaic, new jersey.
(laughs) Hey, linda, I was thinking, Would you like to have dinner with me sometime? Sure, that would be great.
How about tonight? I'll pick you up here at 6:00? Perfect.
Okay, see you then.
See you then.
Linda, I think that's very sweet of you.
It's nice that you don't mind that he's, uh Well, you know.
What? Well You know.
What, that he's a water-delivery man? No, no, no, no, I wasn't talking about what he does.
Well, then what? You don't like the way he dresses, What he drives? You're getting at something, margaret.
What is it? Never mind.
Go out with arnoldo.
Have a wonderful time.
Oh, this is fantastic.
John! John, look.
You're being published in the new york medical review.
What? They liked your piece On atypical mycobacterial pneumonia.
Oh, thank you, margaret.
Hey, you know, now those smartasses back at harvard Are going to see that I'm not just some yokel, That I'm a respected member of the medical community, you know.
I deserve to be taken seriously.
Oh, look at Darn it.
You know what I paid for this tie? Yes, I do.
Poor jake, huh? First he's blind, now he can't hear.
Breaks my heart.
Your compassion might be more convincing If you'd stop stealing his lunch.
(telephone ringing) Diner.
Oh, hi, amanda.
Yeah, hold on.
Jake, it's amanda on the phone.
What? I'm sorry.
On the phone! It's amanda! A panda?! On the phone! Amanda! Would have been cool if it was a panda, huh? Amanda, huh? You know what? It's her fault I lost my hearing! You can tell her to go to hell! You know what? I think jake needs a little Oh, you heard that.
Tell him what? I You know I don't really want to scream those words across my diner.
I'm not taking a tone.
It's just that I'm running a business.
It is, too, a business.
What a bitch.
Rich? Amanda? (chuckles) not really.
Hey, guys, I suppose you're going to find out Sooner or later, so I might as well tell you now.
I'm being published in the new york medical review.
How would we ever find that out? Well Congratulations, becker.
Yeah, thank you, thank you.
It's kind of special because It doesn't happen that often Oh, my god.
There's an article in people magazine About a cat that can water-ski.
What? I read about that cat.
He's unbelievable.
Look, you know, as fascinating as that is, My piece happens to be a study On atypical mycobacterial pneumonia.
Yeah, but this cat can ski.
Hey, did you know cats hate water? Not all cats.
There's one in people magazine that water-skis.
You got to love the little dog driving the boat.
Oh Forget it.
Coffee, please.
Hey, jake.
Hey, john, how you doing? Well, I'm being published In the new york medical journal, But all anyone ever wants To talk about is some water-skiing cat! That's amazing.
I know.
How small are the skis? You guys know linda From over at becker's office, right? You know if she likes to go dancing? Linda? Yeah, I think so.
Look, if you're thinking about asking linda out, Don't waste your time.
I already did, and she said yes.
You got a problem with that there, sport-o? As a matter of fact, I do.
She wouldn't go out with me.
Get this-- she said I was too short.
Oh, maybe you're just not short enough.
Don't feel too badly.
A lot of guys are jealous of me.
What do you have that I don't have? Well, for starters A date with linda.
Morning, margaret.
Hi, linda.
Oh, how was your date with arnoldo? He's a really nice guy, But we just didn't click.
Is that because he's, well, you know? What, a water-delivery man? What do you have against those people anyways? I mean, I notice you drink the water he brings, So don't be such a hypocrite.
I've, uh, I've written this down for you because it's-- Well, it's really, really important.
It's called the new york medical review.
Now, you can find that in any college library.
Nice kid.
John? Yeah.
Package arrived for you.
I think it's your article.
Oh, yeah? Congratulations, john.
Yeah, yeah, thank you, margaret.
You know, I'm thinking of having this framed And put up in the waiting room here, you know.
Give the patients a little extra feeling Of confidence, you know.
They can look and see that I'm Hideous.
What? This, this picture next to my name-- it's not me.
It's, it's of some big, fat, hideous-looking person.
Oh, john, relax.
Nobody likes looking at pictures of themselves.
Ooh, especially that kind.
Yeah, well, finally.
This is dr.
John becker.
I wrote a piece in your latest issue.
No, becker.
The ugly bald guy on page 36.
Yes, yes, I'll hold.
Was this picture taken before I started working here? 'cause you look a lot better now.
Oh, yeah, linda, I magically got smaller ears, Grew hair on my head, and lost 70 pounds.
I told you he had work done.
Oh, yeah, by the way, If arnoldo calls, I'm not here.
Chances are I won't be here anyways, But even if I am, I'm not.
Why don't you just tell him You don't want to see him again? This is much more humane.
It's humane to ignore the poor guy's calls? I meant, more humane for me.
Have him call me, please.
Damn it, margaret, you know, 30 years studying medicine, Two years researching that article, and for what? I look like some kind of freak.
Oh, john, why don't you just look at the bigger picture? There's a bigger picture? John, you're letting your ego get the best of you.
Your article is going to help a lot of people.
Yeah, and they're all Going to think that I only have one eyebrow.
Look at that.
Well, at least it'll only be seen in new york.
Margaret, it's a national journal.
I'll be ridiculed everywhere, from here to california.
Oh, speaking of california, Did you read about that water-skiing cat? I hate that cat.
Coffee, reg.
Oh, becker, I am so sorry.
Don't apologize.
Just learn how to make better coffee.
I'm talking about when you came in the other day To show us that article.
We should have been more interested.
Oh, no, you know, that's all right.
Articles come and go.
Yeah, they do.
But a picture like this lives on forever.
(laughs) Where did you get that? Linda brought it over.
Let me see that.
No, no, don't, don't, please.
Boy, if ever there was a time to read it and weep.
They made a mistake down at the review.
Obviously, that's not me.
Well, it's not so bad, becker.
I mean, just think of all the lonely single women Who will be looking for a lonely single doctor.
It doesn't say I'm single.
Certainly doesn't say you're dating.
(phone ringing) Diner.
Oh, amanda.
Yes, this time I am taking a tone, And here's another one.
(ringing) Bob, would you get that? I can't deal with her today.
Oh, hey, amanda, what can I do for you? Jake, amanda wants to make up! Tell her to prove it! He wants you to prove it.
Hold on.
She wants to make you dinner! Not interested! Sorry, my pet, you're going to have to do better.
A romantic dinner? Exactly how romantic were you thinking? You're right, you're right.
This is not something you should be telling me.
I'll put jake on the phone.
(in deep voice): Hey, baby.
I got it, baby.
What did she say? You lucky bastard.
Pass the mustard? Just go home! Guy's a houseplant, He's getting more action than me.
All right, I updated my patient notes And I finished the hmo forms.
I'll put a smiley face next to your name.
It'll still look more like me Than that picture did.
Has anyone called from the magazine? No, but you did get some calls about the article.
Someone named elaine called-- A girl you broke up with in college.
Her message is, and I quote, "so who's fat and ugly now?" And, and your friend dr.
Kagan called.
His message is still on the machine.
(hysterical laughter) All right, that's, that's enough.
You can turn it off.
Hey, handsome.
(laughter) You know, tha-that's it, you know, I've had it.
I'm going down to that magazine And I'm gonna get some satisfaction Or this could turn ugly.
Too late.
So how many times has arnoldo called? None.
Really? Well, he thinks a lot of himself, doesn't he? Why do you care? I thought you didn't want to see him again.
I don't, but I want him to call me.
All right, very slowly now.
If you don't want to go out with him, Why do you want him to call? Because you always want a guy to call you after a date.
(phone ringing) Doctor's office.
Oh, yes, hi, arnoldo.
Yes, of course, she's Not here right now.
Oh, okay, I'll tell her.
He wants you to meet him at reggie's Friday morning at 8:00.
Yes, he likes me.
Now I have to dump him.
Well, what's the difference? You're not interested in him.
Margaret, margaret, margaret.
If you'd ever turned down a man Instead of marrying the first one Who offered you a seat on the subway, You'd understand.
I hate it when she's right.
(knocking) Excuse me.
Yes, hello, can I help you? Well, I, I hope so.
My name is dr.
John becker.
I had an article in this week's journal.
Oh, right-- "atypical mycobacterial pneumonia.
" That was fascinating.
Yeah, well, thank you.
My problem is that The picture with the article is not of me.
Wow, I can see why you're so upset.
This picture is hideous.
Well, finally, yeah, somebody understands me.
Please, have a seat.
Oh, thank you.
There must be something we can do.
Um, how about we print some kind of retraction? Oh, well, that'd, that'd be great.
You know, that's not good enough.
Why don't we reprint the article along with your real picture? Y-you could do that? Sure, and, you know, why don't I bring in A professional photographer To do a little photo spread, you know? The real john becker-- At work, at play.
You know, at work would be fine.
Thank you so much.
I can't tell you How great it is that you can help me.
Of course I can.
But I won't.
Excuse me? You don't remember me, do you? No.
The name's wally lininger And I put in that picture As revenge.
Oh, god, I hate when this happens.
It was harvard, October 1970.
I remember There was a brisk chill in the air When I walked across the yard To take my medical school admissions test.
I was wearing my green sweater-- My lucky green sweater, or so I thought.
Oh, look, you know, If I did something to your sweater, I'm sorry.
That's no reason I studied my ass off for that exam! Everyone expected me to ace it, Go on to harvard med school, and become a doctor.
That's not what happened? No, that's not what happened.
You want to know why? Because you sat next to me at the exam.
Question one: "hypothalamus.
" I knew it cold.
I was just reading the next question When you leaned over to borrow a number two pencil.
That's what this is about? You broke my concentration.
You made me skip a row on the answer sheet So that when I got to the end of the test, I'd run out of little circles.
Oh Yes.
" Every single answer was one number off.
All because you forgot to bring your damn pencil! Couldn't you have just taken the test again? Gee, why didn't I think of that? They didn't give it again for six months.
You know what happened to me in that time? My scholarship ran out, I was working three jobs at once, My wife left me, I started drinking, I had a nervous breakdown, And then the bad stuff started happening.
Look, I-I'm sorry if you think that this is my fault It is your fault.
Because of you, I never got to go to medical school.
The best I could do was get a job here As a lousy junior editor.
You're living the life I should have had, Mr.
Big fancy doctor.
Big fancy doctor? What the hell are you talking about? I live in the bronx, alone.
I've been divorced twice.
I have a crappy office.
My patients can barely afford to pay me.
My car is held together with duct tape.
Duct tape! The only thing I got going for me in this life Is that I don't look like this guy.
Really? You're a loser? Huge! You're not just saying that? Oh, come on, why would I? I mean, look at me.
Yeah, I guess that raincoat Doesn't exactly scream success.
This, this is not even waterproof.
I mean, come on, out of the goodness of your heart, Couldn't you just reprint the article With my real picture, please? All I really wanted to do was humiliate you.
And you di-- you did.
The few friends I have, they made ass-fun of me.
Really? It was horrible.
(laughs) I'm sorry.
(laughs) Pretty good, yeah? Well, okay, I-I'll reprint the article.
I'll use your real picture.
Oh, thank you.
B-but you got to, you got to sign this release form.
Oh, sure.
Uh, can I borrow a pencil? Yeah, sure.
(screams) Hi, arnoldo.
Hi, linda.
Thanks for meeting me here.
Look, I really like you and I think that you're Linda, please don't.
It only makes what I have to say that much harder.
You're very nice, but I don't think we should go out again.
What? I'm sorry, but you're just not my type.
We don't share any interests.
I mean, there was no chemistry.
But I thought we had something.
We really didn't.
You used me! For what? Nothing happened.
Well, you don't know me.
It could have.
Sorry, linda, good-bye.
Wait, arnoldo, we can work this out.
Just give me another chance.
Well, don't wait too long.
The medical waste guy thinks I'm very cute.
Hey, jake! Hey, reg, hey, you don't have to shout.
I got my hearing back.
Oh, thank god.
Yeah, it feels great, And, you know, best of all, amanda and I made up.
I mean, she actually apologized, She made me dinner, And she bought me some new clothes.
I think she may still be mad at you.
Come on, why would you say that? Just a hunch.
Hey, everybody.
Boy, nice outfit, pal.
Here it is, huh? The new issue of the new york medical review With a photograph of yours truly.
Wow, how'd you manage that? Well, I just went down there and demanded a reprint, And they don't do that for just anybody.
You know, you got to be A respected member of the medical community.
You got to be an important person.
You got to be Dr.
John pecker? (laughing)