Being Human (UK) s04e06 Episode Script
Puppy Love
- Oh, I can't chat them up.
I'll kill them - Have you even been with a woman? Virginity is like a flower.
You don't just pluck it for anyone.
It's all just a story.
And what about the Old Ones? Is that just a story, too? What happens when they get here? Let 'em come.
We can take 'em.
Kill the baby.
The nemesis has a burnt arm.
What, and that's it? If you see a scary man with a burnt arm, run away! CCTV of the alley shows the arrest and the, um, bite.
Why run about kicking imaginary enemies unless you're plastered? He's the only one in the alley.
Hope you'll give me a call.
I'm a friend when you need one.
There are good vampires out there, and I hope, one day, you realise that.
Thomasyou're about to become very, very famous.
I've got monsters .
.
How about you? Was born a monster Do you hide your monsters, too? Now everybody else in here What has become of you? I've got monsters How about you? What do you think? I've organised the eggs in order of size.
Smallest to largest.
And I've disinfected the cutlery.
I've sealed the pans with olive oil and made sure all of the chairs are stable with the same length legs.
- Right, brilliant.
- So, what next? Er Organise the sugar sachets? Demerara, white, sweetener.
The smoke alarms? Oh, come on, you have met me.
- Ain't you bored of this? - How could I get bored?! Routines, rotas - they liberate me from temptation.
"Keep busy, keep sane" - that's what Leo used to say.
And now that I have to be around people, I need this, more than ever.
In fact I was hoping you might be able to help me.
Leo's role in my rehabilitation was essential.
And with him gone I have no-one to set the tasks I need to keep me safe, so, I was wondering if perhaps you could pick up where he left off? You want me towhat? - Be like the new Leo? - Well, no-one could ever replace Leo.
But perhaps you could perform a similar role.
I think I'd be honoured, mate.
I think he would be, too.
The toilets need cleaned.
But don't take the piss.
- What? - Her.
Over there.
Do you think she's a vampire? Smells more like a werewolf.
Hello! Can I help you? Hey! That is the weirdestrun! Ah! I just want to talk to you.
- What is that?! - Rape alarm.
Stay back! We're not going to rape you.
- What? - Not that you're not nice or owt.
He's the same as you! I can't hear you.
We're both werewolves! How depressingly predictable.
So, I started by looking for open spaces, away from big conurbations where it might be safe to transform.
And I cross-referenced those to the reports of animal attacks during full moon from the Forestry Commission.
And I found the highest prevalence was here, Scotland and Cornwall.
- Now, obviously, the werewolf video - The what? Exactly.
was filmed in some sort of warehouse.
And considering Wales's history of industrialisation, I felt this was the best place to begin.
Right.
I circulated your screen grab to a number of temping agencies specialising in low-paid shift work, as that's unfortunately where we tend to end up.
But it was only by complete chance that I approached your cafe, intending to check my e-mails, and recognised you.
Oh! I'm Allison, by the way.
- Tom.
- With an "H"? - With a "T" - But Not T-H? - O-M? - No.
Bet you can't spell my name.
- A-L-I - Uh-uh! Next! A- L-Y Uh-uh! A- L-L-I-S-O-N.
- That's unusual.
- Tak! Tak.
Norwegian.
- Oh.
- Where was I? Obviously I didn't want to approach straight away.
I didn't know what sort of idiot exposes himself on YouTube like that.
I thought I'd perform a little surveillance first.
But that's when you blew my cover! So, what sort of idiot does expose themselves on YouTube like that? Here we go.
It's grainy, but I managed to enhance your image on Photoshop.
It's me.
And George.
You meanyou didn't know about this? It was a trap.
We didn't know they were filming.
Oh, butit's had over a million hits.
FX Fail? As inspecial effects.
Thankfully, most people think it's a fake.
- "Hairy balls LOL"? - Well, this was just the start! You know we trended last full moon? OnTwitter.
There's a Facebook group - trying to hunt us down! - Facebook? Don't tell me you're still on MySpace? We're more Ceefax people.
Um I'm gonna go and check on Eve.
E-V-E.
She's the child of two werewolves.
Beasts mauling homeless people on the news - the Box Tunnel Cannibal.
It's like someone's trying to blow the lid on the existence of werewolves.
Who? You tell us.
Vampires have been keeping this secret for centuries.
You're not doing a very good job of it at the moment.
Hal's not really in with the whole vampire scene any more.
- Really? - No! Well, er then you'll have to forgive me.
I know what vampires are supposedly like, but far be it from me to tar a whole species with the same brush.
Paxies? Goodness.
- This is a long handshake.
- Ssh! I'm thinking.
Maybe you could go undercover! I don't think that's a good idea.
And make a few subtle enquiries over a pint of blood? I've I've got to get back to work.
- Teaspoons need polishing.
- Wh? Where's he going?! This is important! If people find out about the existence of vampires, werewolves and ghosts, there'll be riots.
There'll be lynchings! It'll be like the tuition fees march all over again! Don't you worry.
If this has got owt to do with vampires, I know exactly where to look.
You're going to have so much to answer for.
Look, the Old Ones won't arrive for a few weeks.
Leave your number, go back to your Clark Kents and I'll call.
Look, there's no room at the inn.
Kindly sod off.
The last time somebody spoke to me like that, I used their skin as a Filofax cover.
God, I miss the '80s! - Who are you? - Golda.
UK Operations.
That's Kane, my personal trainer, and Piot.
He can't talk.
I accidentally bit his tongue out during one of our little games, didn't I? Yes, I did, yes, I did.
- Naughty Mummy and her appetites.
- Shit happens.
Life's a contact sport.
If you can't stand the heat, stay inside on bonfire night.
- What? - He likes action films, don't ask.
Mummy's talking.
Go and unpack the toys.
I take it you've got everything saved.
Um, you leave that alone! You touch her, I'll have to touch you.
No, not like that.
I meant with shock.
And awe.
- Look, Griffin left me in charge.
- No! Griffin died.
You are clearly not qualified to oversee an operation of this magnitude, so I'll be assuming control.
- Everything's under control! - Really?! So, you have cars to move the Old Ones around the country? Hotels booked? Concubines? I've got something much better than that! Ha-ha! Let me guessbunting! Look, I've met this werewolf There are dogs here? Yeah.
We could stage a little dog fight to welcome them.
- No, you don't understand.
This is - Write that down.
Cage, human, prosecco.
I had a cage fight with a werewolf once.
Let's just say Rover won't be competing in Crufts this year.
Look .
.
I need him for something else.
There is no "something else".
There is only what I want.
And I want that werewolf.
Now, if you want to keep me happy, and I suggest you do, you'll bring him to me.
Then I'll have a think about whether you get to meet the Old Ones or not.
Hello, hello! Sssh! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Oh, Eve, come on, shush.
That's enough now.
Oh! I am supposed to be your protector, not your teething ring.
Oh! OK, just stop crying.
It might be social services again.
Ssh! Open this door, or I'll knock it down! I'm going to shut that baby up once and for all! The Old Ones! They'd have to be invited in.
Right I'm gonna take a run-up.
- We'll see about that.
- Three - two - Wax on, wax off.
- one! - Bring it on.
Yaaaah! Argh! Come on, mothersucker! Show me those fangs! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing? Er Ooh! Oh, shit! I want a red carpet from the waterfront to the warehouse, so pace that out and give the measurements to Kane.
- How do we know they're vampires? - This is where I rescued Eve.
And I can smell 'em.
- Quick, she's leaving! - No, no! One at a time's better.
It gives us a chance to hone our arguments.
What are we going to say? Whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Don't worry.
I'll do all the staking.
You are joking, right?! Right, you ask them about the video first, and then I'll stake 'em.
Tom! That's murder! Like my dad used to say - you can't kill what's already dead.
We're not staking anyone! If you resort to violence, you've already lost.
You don't know what they're like! And you don't know what my debating skills are like.
What does that say? "School debating champion".
And I had to argue pro fossil fuels.
What about that one? "County moot first place".
"This house believes that GM crops are the answer to world famine" - not any more! Er, "National Championship runner-up".
That was because my partner had an asthma attack.
If you think you can argue me down, you're wasting your breath.
Allison, Allison! Excuse me, sir! - Stay here, he might get reinforcements.
- We just want to talk to you! We have seen your news and video campaign and, on behalf of all supernaturals, we ask you to consider the potential repercussions.
You have nothing to fear from us.
But fear thisexposure! First the werewolves, maybe the ghosts, but the vampires will surely follow.
Of course, we'd all like to be out and proud, but do you really think humanity is ready for that? I think you should be quiet now, Allison.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were the chairperson Argh! Allison, are you OK? - Where did he go? - I don't know, that's what happens.
Don't worry, you're safe now.
Get off me! You killed him! - Well, he was going to kill you.
- You don't know that! You didn't give me a chance to speak to him.
- I thought you'd be grateful! - Grateful?! What did we learn? We don't even know if he's the one behind this all.
- Oh - Where are you going? To find someone who can help me without sticking a stake through someone's heart! Allison, wait a minute, please! Allison? I might know someone we can speak to.
Where are they taking me? To the morgue, I think.
Natural causes, my eye! I had £6.
70 in that cardie! Look, I know that this is a lot to take in, but I'm going to help you get through this.
Too bloody right you are.
It's all your fault! Yes, I know! And I am really, really, really sorry about that.
Ah, you admit it! Well, I expect some decent compo out of this.
No.
No, you don't understand.
It's like I was saying We don't really exist in this world any more.
How the bloody hell are you gonna help me, then?! Well, um, I'm going to help you solve your unfinished business.
My what? It's why you're still here.
You know, something that you were supposed to do while you were alive but you didn't, because Well, because I robbed you of the chance to do so.
And it could be anything.
It could be, um reuniting with family.
Or, um, maybe righting some wrongs.
Or seeing a sunset for the last time.
Anything, but whatever it is, I promise you, I'm going to be right by your side, no matter how long it takes.
Because that is the least I owe you.
Could be anything, you say? So, how did you two find each other? - Wolf whistle? Lychic connection? - I started by looking for open spaces, away from big conurbations, - where it might be safe to transform.
- It don't matter, honestly.
And you're planning on sticking around for a while? - Well, I can't exactly go home, can I? - Why not? Who wants a werewolf for a daughter? I don't belong there any more.
Anyway, thank you for inviting us to your chambers.
Actually, I was hoping to study law myself.
What, you want to be a lawyer? Well, barrister.
But a university campus is out of the question, unfortunately.
Well, you ever need some work experience Thanks! SoYouTube.
Tom said you might be the man to explain how this stuff is getting out there? This is actually the first I've heard about it.
Saying that Look, I shouldn't really be telling you this.
I mean, it's pretty hard-core vampire politics.
But for years, vampires like me have been fighting to keep us all under the radar.
And recently, there's been this minority who seem keen to get you guys out in the open.
- Why? - I don't know.
It would be a disaster for us all.
But since the whole Box Tunnel fiasco, things are kind of splintered.
A lot of the extremists have gravitated here, to Barry.
That was probably one of them you took out on the docks.
The ringleader is a woman called Golda, but she's got protection, so there's not much I can do on my own.
But if you, Tom McNair, vampire slayer, could get involved Vampire slayer?! How many vampires have youslain?! Ooh, um Three or four .
.
dozen.
And you're condoning this?! - Well, we can't exactly go to Ofcom.
- Mr Cutler, I am surprised at you! - A man of the Bar! - Look, Allison, laws don't apply here.
Courts, police, it's all irrelevant.
Isn't that right, Tom? You saw what he was going to do to you at the docks.
But you can't just go around killing people! That's not what normal people do.
Yeah, well, we're not normal people, are we? We're werewolves! If we don't stop these guys, who will? It's a war.
We're all soldiers.
We've got to pick a side.
They're probably out looking for you at the docks at the moment.
But I work out a way to get to them first, do you think you can do your thing? Allison? OK.
But only if you teach me how to do it, too.
OK.
I got so many thing to do, I I got work to do I got work, baby I gotta do I, I, I got work to do Apologies.
- I didn't I didn't hear you.
- No worries.
It's nice to Shit! - I'm so sorry, I didn't mean - It's OK! I was about to call for something else to do, but you've saved me the trouble.
But what can I get you first? Ah, five teas, please.
I'll have a shot of whatever you're on, too! No drugs.
No Kia-Ora.
Just good, old-fashioned hard work and routine.
So, er Just passing through, are you? - No, I'm on holiday.
- Here?! - Mm.
- I'm so sorry.
I've got three little brothers, it's cheap, there's not much left for them to vandalise.
One of them got pissed and fell out of a dinghy, so I had to wade into the sea, hence the muddy feet.
Let's hope it's just mud.
So, what are you driving? Excuse me? Three brothers and a dad like mine, there's not a man on this Earth I can't talk to! OK, scratch the driving.
Right, check this out.
The pepper's the goalkeeper.
And then the ketchup's the last defender.
Then there's the salt On or offside? I don't really follow the rugby.
OK.
You want the big guns, then.
Pull my finger.
Look, I'm sorry.
Um I think I may have misled you.
I was just being friendly.
Same here! So, um, you've got a girlfriend, then? No.
Boyfriend? No.
Ah, you're religious.
Hence your weird blend of happiness and sexual repression.
No.
Oh.
Oh, you just You just don't fancy me.
No, it's all right, you don't have to answer that.
Thank you forfor the teas.
Just It was nice to meet you.
Clearly We could go down the Legion! Put laxative in the Guinness.
Are you sure there isn't a wife or some kids that you want to get in touch with? Or we could pay a visit to those noisy little pricks over the road.
They should be home from school in a minute.
- Shit them right up.
- Emrys! What?! We're ghosts.
- We could do whatever we want.
- No, we can't! Why not? Hey! Hey, guys! Gosh, how's it going? Well, what an eventful day! - After we left - No news, really.
- What about you? - No, no, very dull.
Nothing remotely interesting has happened here.
- Who were you talking to? - Me? Talking to, just now? - Is that what you're asking me? - Mm.
A ghost.
But he's very boring, so don't talk to him, don't ask him anything, especially not about how he died.
Yeah.
- We should go.
- Yes.
Yes, up them stairs, go for it.
I wish I could come with you.
Sounds a bit weird.
- Yeah.
- OK! Off you go! See you later.
It's probably best not to mention the whole killing thing to Annie.
Say no more.
First rule of chess club! What's all this? Oh, just some rubbish the man who used to live here put up.
I forgot to take 'em down.
You know That was a pretty convincing argument you made.
- Back in the office.
- Really? A bit rough around the edges You could've drawn me in more, wrong-footed me with a rhetorical question, hit me with a metaphor.
Butyou've got potential.
I could I could help you! If you like? This could work both ways.
Likerevision buddies! OK.
Sowhere do we start? And they called it puppy love Oh, I guess they'll never know How a young heart really feels And why I love her so And they called it puppy love Just because we're in our teens So I put it to you that vampires and werewolves can co-exist in relative peace and harmony.
All in favour of the motion? .
.
Take away my only dream I cry each night My tears for you My tears If we lived on other planets, do you think the moon would still affect us? If we lived on the moon, do you think we could be werewolves all the time? - Forecast's good this evening.
- Cheers, mate.
You could get me to jog behind your bike again.
I can't, Allison's taking me out.
How's the investigation going? Any leads? I was thinking now that you're helping me get my cravings in check, I could help you.
It's a good way for me and Allison tohang around together.
Alone.
- You understand, don't you? - Of course, of course.
So, you're officially courting now? Well, I don't know.
It's fun, training and that, but we ain't even held hands yet.
Then it is time to declare your intentions! First, write her a poem.
Then speak to her father.
Annie said I should just get drunk and try and snog her.
It's all so brutish these days! I preferred the dowry system.
Yeah.
Girls are brilliant.
You should get back out there.
We both know the dangers if that happens.
No, it's the opposite.
The last thing you want to do is kill them.
And you've got all your routines.
- They only work so far.
- You don't know that.
I put it to you - you're a good man with myriad years of self-control.
Enough with the debating! Hi.
Hi.
Can I help? Yeah, I was actually looking for a guy that was working in here the other day? - Posh, bit weird.
- Hal? Yeah, he's just Is he in today? Yes.
Ahh! No.
Maybe later.
Right, well, could you maybe get him to give me a call? Yep, and what, can I ask, is it about? Oh, we just got chatting and I kinda thought we hit it off, even if he wasn't so sure.
What are you doing later? Ahh! Because he's coming out with me and my girlfriend.
- You could come, too.
- Oh, really? Yeah.
He mentioned you, in fact.
Aled.
Alex.
- Yep.
- But he's not on day release, or anything like that, is he? Like I said, he waskind of odd.
Nah, he's just a bit shy, that's all.
I'll get him to give you a ring later - Arrange where to meet up.
- Cool.
Well, um, see you later, then.
Bye, Hal.
- What do you think you're doing? - It'll be brilliant! We can be each other's wing men.
You can help me tell Allison that I "like her" like her.
And I Can stop me from ripping Aled's throat out.
Yeah.
Allison.
Who are you? OK, I'm sorry, I should've explained.
Everybody, this is Emrys.
- I killed him.
- What? - She killed me.
- Accidentally, yes.
He was watching me! - I'll slap that grin off your face! - Hey! - You said I was invisible! - No, not to other supernaturals.
- What's she, then? - Werewolf.
- Explains the growling.
- Oh! No, look, it's fine.
I'm all over this.
We just need to figure out his unfinished business and then move him on.
Haunting our bathroom? Of course not.
Unfinished business is something good and something righteous.
Who says? I knew a ghost whose unfinished business was to castrate her brother-in-law.
- Ooh! - Something inappropriate.
So, it could be anything.
See? No.
No, I refuse to believe that.
Why? Well, I'm still here, aren't I? And when my time comes, it will be to do something good.
Look, I know you want to get rid of me, Annie.
- No, I don't - And maybe I do know what my unfinished business is.
- Really? - What, then? Well I didn't mean to scare anyone.
And I think the reason I'm still, you know curious about women And this isn't easy for me to say.
It's because I've never been kissed.
What? - When I was alive, like.
- Really?! Never, ever? In your whole life? - It's not that unbelievable.
- I could imagine.
- We've all had dry spells.
- I tried.
God, I tried! Even came close, well, a couple of times.
I know I'm a grumpy old sod, but it's hard being nice, when all you're used to is knock-backs.
Go to the bingo, wait for one of the old ladies to die.
Actually, I was hoping for a younger model.
Annie? Oh! I understand if you don't want to.
I mean you're a powerful young woman and I'm just an old man, who can't even defend himself.
Probably get it wrong anyway.
No, no, no.
No, I, um It's my fault that we're in this situation.
So, um Yeah.
And kissing is a nice thing.
It's a lovely thing.
Right.
Good.
Ahem.
OK.
No tongues.
OK? Emrys Did it work? You said you weren't married.
Shithole.
She paid for this out of the divorce settlement, you know.
This has got to be it! Why did you guys split up? She ran off with her piano teacher.
And you never came to terms with it.
Of course.
Right, OK, so you have to tell her that you're still in love with her.
- I don't even like her! - Emrys! She hasn't aged well.
Dodged a bullet there, I think.
- Just saying.
- Tell her.
Lesley - Her name's Lesley.
- Great.
Lesley I know we've had our ups and downs.
Mostly downs.
But I've been told I still have .
.
feelings for you.
I thought it was hatred, bitterness, resentment, but apparently, it's all because I .
.
I still love you.
And I forgive you for running off with Gwyn.
Ah, hello, dear.
Wanker.
Ah! Emrys, look.
Your door.
Will I see you again? On the other side, like? Hope so.
Thank you.
Annie? Annie? Is this how it's supposed to be? Why are you putting me in a cupboard? I don't think she's going to turn up, so I should go.
- It's only five past.
- Hal, listen Tom told me that you haven't had much female contact over the last few decades, but you just need to relax! Pretend Tom and I are a couple.
That'll lower her defences and then you can move in for the kill! Hal, I've found these matches and some of them are the wrong way round.
We'll soon see about that! Calms him down.
I knew he'd get like this.
Hi.
Alex.
Hello! Thanks for coming! You've already met my house and workmate, Tom.
This is his girlfriend, - Allison.
- Lovely to meet you! We always wondered what it would take to pin this one down.
Right, so, um Which bar are we going to? Bar? Who needs a bar with this bad boy in town? A museum.
Oh, but it's fine, cos there's a bar in there, yeah? If by "bar" you mean "tea shop"! Show her the badge.
Tom! Free entry to hundreds of attractions and museums all over the country.
Cool Come on, then.
So is this your thing, then? - Museums? - Yes.
Romantic.
And educational.
I suppose it's cheaper than Rohypnol.
No, they will not be happy in a Travelodge.
What part of "four stars or more" don't you understand? What's that? Peace offering? Wait.
Could be drugged.
A shaman once told me I have the constitution of an armadillo.
It's clean.
- Why the change of heart? - I need your help.
The werewolf I was telling you about is hiding out in a warehouse near the docks.
That's probably what happened to your other gimp.
Noo-ooo-ooo-ooo! All right, darling.
Poor bastard.
Took one for the team.
I don't think I can get him on my own, so I was wondering if I could borrow Kane.
We'll share the credit in front of the Old Ones.
No.
But you wanted a dog.
I don't see why you have to be involved at all.
- It's my idea.
- Was.
You can get me a lickle werewolf, can't you? I'll get you a unicorn if you want it, baby.
Hey, that's not fair! Complain to your line manager.
Oh, hang on! I think that's me.
Allison.
While we're out, - I just want to tell you that I like you.
- Oh, yeah, I like you too, Tom! Keep it going.
He looks like he could use all the help he can get.
What are you doing? You're not supposed to leave me alone with her.
You're supposed to be feeding me lines.
When they say housemates, they do have separate bedrooms, don't they? Leave it to me.
Why don't we check out the ichthyosaur? It's a fossil.
Why not? Well, actually, I think Alex was keener on seeing the woolly mammoth.
Aren't you? Er, yeah.
It's so big and woolly.
We could do both together.
I think what Alex is trying to say is that she and Hal would like some private time.
Oh, well, I Hello? Tom? It's Cutler.
They sent the other bodyguard after you.
We've got to go.
What?! Just be careful and focus on the matches.
No glove, no love.
- Everythingall right? - Yeah, great.
You just You seem a little bit mental.
Sorry, it was It was the elephant in the room.
Couldn't resist! Sorry.
- I'm a bit rusty.
- Oh, me too.
Are you just out of a long-term relationship or something? Something like that.
So, you're scared of commitment and you don't want to get hurt? I don't want to hurt you.
Look, I'm only here a couple of days, so you don't have to worry about commitment.
And I can look after myself, so you're not going to hurt me.
And I'm not gonna hurt you.
Well Unless you really want me to.
So? What do you reckon? Come on, I won't even look you in the eyes.
Are you looking for me? Not so fast, Goliath.
- Think you've got me, don't you? - Um, yeah.
Well, maybe you have.
But maybe you haven't.
Is that a risk you're willing to take? Yeah.
Gambling man, eh? Well, I'm a card shark.
- And this is my casino.
- Sorry, we want to talk about these news stories.
Don't you think it's up to werewolves to decide if we want to go public? - I can feel you, shaking.
- Just answer the question.
Shaking like a little lady.
- Sexist! - Too close, Allison.
Allison! Looks like I'm the one holding the cards.
Now, are you gonna twist or stick? - What does that even mean?! - Allison Everybody loves Bruce Willis, but he's got a script.
- You're just making it up.
- Shut up! Or I'll shut you up.
Uh-uh! Cliche! How's about I write a script in your neck? Like a deadly author, with a poison pen.
- Murder, he wrote.
- I would've said William Stake-spear? He's not going to stake you.
Try me.
Our blood's like acid to them.
I'd rather burn than let you both live.
We'll see about that.
The face, not the face! Something aboutheartburn? Heartbreak? No, that doesn't work, does it? Shit.
Are you all right? That was amazing! Yes! Wait a minute, wait! Oh.
I thought you were just pleased to see me.
Ooh! - You are.
- Oh, hang on, then.
What now? Garlic, holy water? - Are you all right? Your nose - It's fine.
And you didn't mind killing? He got what he deserved.
Now I'm going to give you what you deserve, Slayer! We didn't catch the ichthyosaurus at the museum! If we head back - It'll be shut! - Even with the badge? Fuck the badge! Allison! - You had to build Tracy Island for that! - Am I doing something wrong? I don't think so.
I've never been with a boy before.
Me neither.
Or a girl.
I think I think we're supposed to just .
.
relax .
.
and do what feels natural.
ImagineI'm a vampire and you're a stake, plunging in and out.
What? You're not a vampire.
You're a flower and I'm a bee.
We're supposed to spend time together, take it slow, like a pack.
We are - a vampire-killing pack! It's not supposed to be like this.
Like what?! In the middle of all the violence.
But there's a war on! You said! This is what it's like - snatched moments in air-raid shelters.
You're not a soldier! I am! Tom? Tom! So, you have no friends, you don't owe any money and you have no regrets? Oh! Have you seen Titanic? I'm reading that.
Are you all right, Tom? That Allison's changed.
That's what happens when they get their slippers under the bed, son.
Killed a vampire.
- Tom - Killed two of them, actually.
After the first one, she was sick, scared.
But then today, she liked it.
- She was all buzzing and excited.
- Like you? Hm? Well, that's what happens, Tom.
Killing changes you.
Look where I've ended up.
Hacking down seniors in the twilight of their lives.
- Hey, isn't this your bit of stuff? - What? At least it's not page three, thank God! "The parents of Allison Larkin have made an" - Emotional.
- ".
.
emotional appeal "for the safe return of their daughter.
" Allison? Give me a ring when you get this, darling.
I'm holding the fort on my own here.
Problem? No.
Surely a dog's no match for a gym bunny? You set him up? You think the Old Ones will be impressed with that? Leave him alone! I've got your back.
You betrayed us for a dog? For a werewolf.
- There's a difference.
- Exactly.
Now, tell us why you're planting these stories in the press.
The YouTube video? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- She's lying! Ssh! Eve, come on, please.
Ssh, ssh, ssh-ssh-ssh.
- All right, all right.
Ssh-ssh.
- It's all go around here, isn't it? Things are going to have to change if I'm sticking round.
You are not sticking around! Maybe it's destiny.
I mean, the boys have got their girls and you've got me.
- Ssh.
- Don't mind giving my back a rub, do you? I think I banged it when you tossed me over the wall like next door's cat.
All right! All right, listen.
We've been over this and I've said I'm sorry.
I am really, really sorry.
I'm not complaining.
I've enjoyed being dead.
- You're not supposed to enjoy it! - That's the problem with you, Annie.
Everything's supposed to be like this, or that, I'm not supposed to like naked girlies.
Unfinished business has to be good.
Look, life isn't like that.
Mine wasn't.
I don't see why death has to be.
Right.
You are holding Eve.
Yes? And me and you, we are going out.
Ah, what's the matter? Can't fetch, bitch? Allison, stop! If you kill her, you'll change for ever.
You won't be human any more.
I'm not a human.
I'm a werewolf.
- Only for one night a month.
- Get off me! You bite, I bleed on you.
I saw your mum and dad in the paper.
They want you back.
They love you.
I can't go back like this.
I don't belong there any more, you know that! Yes, you do! You're cool, you're funny, you're clever.
You know Norwegian! On a full moon, you drag a chicken round on a string and transform somewhere quiet.
The rest of the month, you don't have to change at all, cos you're perfect.
If I let you go, do you promise not to try anything? Mm.
Give me your word.
I promise.
That's a verbal contract, made in the presence of two witnesses, one of whom is a qualified solicitor.
Tomshe's dangerous.
You wait till the Old Ones hear about this.
It doesn't have to be like this - vampires against werewolves.
Look at Tom, Mr Cutler.
They're proof of that.
Come on.
Paxies? Allison! What's going on with the stories, the stuff in the press? Chillax.
It's over.
Case closed.
They say they've found Jenny Wilson's body.
The Box Tunnel coroner? Well, maybe they did.
Might not all be fabricated.
At the Brecon Beacons? At the Upper Neuadd reservoir? Nobody goes there! It's desolate.
- Then how do you know? - What does it matter? Hal? Oh, well, look, this is today's! We only just took out the woman involved, so if it's anything to do with her, - this is the last we'll hear about it.
- A woman? - It was a woman? - Yeah, by the docks.
Her name was Golda.
How did it go with Alex? I don't think we'll be seeing her again.
- She tried to kiss me, and - You killed her?! No! No, I think the routines have really helped suppress those urges.
So, you, erchickened out? That's absolutely ridicu - How dare you?! - Oh, my God! You weren't scared of killing.
You're just scared! I have seduced several thousand women in my time.
When you was all blooded up, but now you're just a scaredy cat! I'll have you know, I am a ruthless killer! Talk to her, then.
You rang her off my phone.
What are you doing? Tom, stop that! It's ringing! You've no idea of the dangers you're putting her in.
Talk.
Talk! Hello, Alex? It's voice mail.
I'm afraid I'm not au fait with answering machine etiquette.
I was telephoning to apologise for being so ungentlemanly at the museum.
And I was wondering if perhaps you'll allow me the privilege of making it up to you in person, with dinner, perhaps.
A dance.
Or some alternative courtly ritual.
It's Hal, by the way! Got a good feeling about those two.
Maybe we could go on another double date? I'm not sure.
You think he's too shy? No.
I don't think we should see each other again.
- What? - You've got a degree to finish.
But we can still see each other at weekends.
I can teach you how to e-mail.
- Use a webcam.
- Right.
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? No, but it don't matter.
I don't want to see you again.
But .
.
you said I wasperfect.
You are.
And I don't want to change that.
Well, I'm not.
And you won't! - I almost did.
- Look, Tom, I may have got a bit carried away, but I'm my own person.
I know what I want.
AndI want you.
- Well, I don't want you.
- Stop it.
No, you stop it.
You're speccy, you're annoying and you talk too much.
I know what you're trying to do and it won't work.
I'm not trying to do anything.
I just want you to go.
Go, then! Fine.
Allison.
You forgot this.
If she says I'm your girl Then what can that mean? And you dance with her like it's been all your life He says it happens when you least expect it In a world of hasty words Can they be right? Keep it.
- Tak.
- Tak.
.
.
And precedents and case files don't apply When eyes and ears and tongue mistrust their power The organ in your chest perceives the light.
Ha! Whoa! Hahahaha! Woo! Woo-ooo! Woooo! Waaaah, woo! Let's get out of here! Hurry up! Hurry up! - That was brilliant! - But totally unethical.
Apparently not.
I knew I was right.
When your time comes, remember.
It might not be a good thing you have to do.
Well thanks, Annie.
I, er I'm sorry we didn't get to smooch.
Me, too Fancy onefor the road? Piss off.
That's more like it! - Annie? - No, not another cupboard! God, Annie, it's really you.
I've come so far to find you.
Who are you? I'll explain everything, but you have to come with me.
- No, no, no, not again.
- Annie, listen to me.
There's never been anything more important.
I have a baby, Eve.
I have to look after her.
AnnieI am the baby.
- What? - It's me, Annie.
Mum.
I'm Eve.
- My God - It's you.
Mum! But it's me.
It's Eve.
I died and came back through history.
This thing that you want to tell me.
What is it? So this is the future.
Ooh, do people have jet packs? No, mostly everyone's dead.
Tomorrow is a full moon, so what I was thinking was, I get you in there, - you transform - Tear 'em to shreds.
You could go straight back to the top of the pile.
That's your rightful place.
I bought you a drink but, well, you were late, so I drank it.
I've been drinking already.
Creepy and a day-drinker.
Sooner or later, we all go back to being the monsters we truly are.
I'll kill them - Have you even been with a woman? Virginity is like a flower.
You don't just pluck it for anyone.
It's all just a story.
And what about the Old Ones? Is that just a story, too? What happens when they get here? Let 'em come.
We can take 'em.
Kill the baby.
The nemesis has a burnt arm.
What, and that's it? If you see a scary man with a burnt arm, run away! CCTV of the alley shows the arrest and the, um, bite.
Why run about kicking imaginary enemies unless you're plastered? He's the only one in the alley.
Hope you'll give me a call.
I'm a friend when you need one.
There are good vampires out there, and I hope, one day, you realise that.
Thomasyou're about to become very, very famous.
I've got monsters .
.
How about you? Was born a monster Do you hide your monsters, too? Now everybody else in here What has become of you? I've got monsters How about you? What do you think? I've organised the eggs in order of size.
Smallest to largest.
And I've disinfected the cutlery.
I've sealed the pans with olive oil and made sure all of the chairs are stable with the same length legs.
- Right, brilliant.
- So, what next? Er Organise the sugar sachets? Demerara, white, sweetener.
The smoke alarms? Oh, come on, you have met me.
- Ain't you bored of this? - How could I get bored?! Routines, rotas - they liberate me from temptation.
"Keep busy, keep sane" - that's what Leo used to say.
And now that I have to be around people, I need this, more than ever.
In fact I was hoping you might be able to help me.
Leo's role in my rehabilitation was essential.
And with him gone I have no-one to set the tasks I need to keep me safe, so, I was wondering if perhaps you could pick up where he left off? You want me towhat? - Be like the new Leo? - Well, no-one could ever replace Leo.
But perhaps you could perform a similar role.
I think I'd be honoured, mate.
I think he would be, too.
The toilets need cleaned.
But don't take the piss.
- What? - Her.
Over there.
Do you think she's a vampire? Smells more like a werewolf.
Hello! Can I help you? Hey! That is the weirdestrun! Ah! I just want to talk to you.
- What is that?! - Rape alarm.
Stay back! We're not going to rape you.
- What? - Not that you're not nice or owt.
He's the same as you! I can't hear you.
We're both werewolves! How depressingly predictable.
So, I started by looking for open spaces, away from big conurbations where it might be safe to transform.
And I cross-referenced those to the reports of animal attacks during full moon from the Forestry Commission.
And I found the highest prevalence was here, Scotland and Cornwall.
- Now, obviously, the werewolf video - The what? Exactly.
was filmed in some sort of warehouse.
And considering Wales's history of industrialisation, I felt this was the best place to begin.
Right.
I circulated your screen grab to a number of temping agencies specialising in low-paid shift work, as that's unfortunately where we tend to end up.
But it was only by complete chance that I approached your cafe, intending to check my e-mails, and recognised you.
Oh! I'm Allison, by the way.
- Tom.
- With an "H"? - With a "T" - But Not T-H? - O-M? - No.
Bet you can't spell my name.
- A-L-I - Uh-uh! Next! A- L-Y Uh-uh! A- L-L-I-S-O-N.
- That's unusual.
- Tak! Tak.
Norwegian.
- Oh.
- Where was I? Obviously I didn't want to approach straight away.
I didn't know what sort of idiot exposes himself on YouTube like that.
I thought I'd perform a little surveillance first.
But that's when you blew my cover! So, what sort of idiot does expose themselves on YouTube like that? Here we go.
It's grainy, but I managed to enhance your image on Photoshop.
It's me.
And George.
You meanyou didn't know about this? It was a trap.
We didn't know they were filming.
Oh, butit's had over a million hits.
FX Fail? As inspecial effects.
Thankfully, most people think it's a fake.
- "Hairy balls LOL"? - Well, this was just the start! You know we trended last full moon? OnTwitter.
There's a Facebook group - trying to hunt us down! - Facebook? Don't tell me you're still on MySpace? We're more Ceefax people.
Um I'm gonna go and check on Eve.
E-V-E.
She's the child of two werewolves.
Beasts mauling homeless people on the news - the Box Tunnel Cannibal.
It's like someone's trying to blow the lid on the existence of werewolves.
Who? You tell us.
Vampires have been keeping this secret for centuries.
You're not doing a very good job of it at the moment.
Hal's not really in with the whole vampire scene any more.
- Really? - No! Well, er then you'll have to forgive me.
I know what vampires are supposedly like, but far be it from me to tar a whole species with the same brush.
Paxies? Goodness.
- This is a long handshake.
- Ssh! I'm thinking.
Maybe you could go undercover! I don't think that's a good idea.
And make a few subtle enquiries over a pint of blood? I've I've got to get back to work.
- Teaspoons need polishing.
- Wh? Where's he going?! This is important! If people find out about the existence of vampires, werewolves and ghosts, there'll be riots.
There'll be lynchings! It'll be like the tuition fees march all over again! Don't you worry.
If this has got owt to do with vampires, I know exactly where to look.
You're going to have so much to answer for.
Look, the Old Ones won't arrive for a few weeks.
Leave your number, go back to your Clark Kents and I'll call.
Look, there's no room at the inn.
Kindly sod off.
The last time somebody spoke to me like that, I used their skin as a Filofax cover.
God, I miss the '80s! - Who are you? - Golda.
UK Operations.
That's Kane, my personal trainer, and Piot.
He can't talk.
I accidentally bit his tongue out during one of our little games, didn't I? Yes, I did, yes, I did.
- Naughty Mummy and her appetites.
- Shit happens.
Life's a contact sport.
If you can't stand the heat, stay inside on bonfire night.
- What? - He likes action films, don't ask.
Mummy's talking.
Go and unpack the toys.
I take it you've got everything saved.
Um, you leave that alone! You touch her, I'll have to touch you.
No, not like that.
I meant with shock.
And awe.
- Look, Griffin left me in charge.
- No! Griffin died.
You are clearly not qualified to oversee an operation of this magnitude, so I'll be assuming control.
- Everything's under control! - Really?! So, you have cars to move the Old Ones around the country? Hotels booked? Concubines? I've got something much better than that! Ha-ha! Let me guessbunting! Look, I've met this werewolf There are dogs here? Yeah.
We could stage a little dog fight to welcome them.
- No, you don't understand.
This is - Write that down.
Cage, human, prosecco.
I had a cage fight with a werewolf once.
Let's just say Rover won't be competing in Crufts this year.
Look .
.
I need him for something else.
There is no "something else".
There is only what I want.
And I want that werewolf.
Now, if you want to keep me happy, and I suggest you do, you'll bring him to me.
Then I'll have a think about whether you get to meet the Old Ones or not.
Hello, hello! Sssh! Peekaboo! Peekaboo! Oh, Eve, come on, shush.
That's enough now.
Oh! I am supposed to be your protector, not your teething ring.
Oh! OK, just stop crying.
It might be social services again.
Ssh! Open this door, or I'll knock it down! I'm going to shut that baby up once and for all! The Old Ones! They'd have to be invited in.
Right I'm gonna take a run-up.
- We'll see about that.
- Three - two - Wax on, wax off.
- one! - Bring it on.
Yaaaah! Argh! Come on, mothersucker! Show me those fangs! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing? Er Ooh! Oh, shit! I want a red carpet from the waterfront to the warehouse, so pace that out and give the measurements to Kane.
- How do we know they're vampires? - This is where I rescued Eve.
And I can smell 'em.
- Quick, she's leaving! - No, no! One at a time's better.
It gives us a chance to hone our arguments.
What are we going to say? Whoa! What do you think you're doing?! Don't worry.
I'll do all the staking.
You are joking, right?! Right, you ask them about the video first, and then I'll stake 'em.
Tom! That's murder! Like my dad used to say - you can't kill what's already dead.
We're not staking anyone! If you resort to violence, you've already lost.
You don't know what they're like! And you don't know what my debating skills are like.
What does that say? "School debating champion".
And I had to argue pro fossil fuels.
What about that one? "County moot first place".
"This house believes that GM crops are the answer to world famine" - not any more! Er, "National Championship runner-up".
That was because my partner had an asthma attack.
If you think you can argue me down, you're wasting your breath.
Allison, Allison! Excuse me, sir! - Stay here, he might get reinforcements.
- We just want to talk to you! We have seen your news and video campaign and, on behalf of all supernaturals, we ask you to consider the potential repercussions.
You have nothing to fear from us.
But fear thisexposure! First the werewolves, maybe the ghosts, but the vampires will surely follow.
Of course, we'd all like to be out and proud, but do you really think humanity is ready for that? I think you should be quiet now, Allison.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were the chairperson Argh! Allison, are you OK? - Where did he go? - I don't know, that's what happens.
Don't worry, you're safe now.
Get off me! You killed him! - Well, he was going to kill you.
- You don't know that! You didn't give me a chance to speak to him.
- I thought you'd be grateful! - Grateful?! What did we learn? We don't even know if he's the one behind this all.
- Oh - Where are you going? To find someone who can help me without sticking a stake through someone's heart! Allison, wait a minute, please! Allison? I might know someone we can speak to.
Where are they taking me? To the morgue, I think.
Natural causes, my eye! I had £6.
70 in that cardie! Look, I know that this is a lot to take in, but I'm going to help you get through this.
Too bloody right you are.
It's all your fault! Yes, I know! And I am really, really, really sorry about that.
Ah, you admit it! Well, I expect some decent compo out of this.
No.
No, you don't understand.
It's like I was saying We don't really exist in this world any more.
How the bloody hell are you gonna help me, then?! Well, um, I'm going to help you solve your unfinished business.
My what? It's why you're still here.
You know, something that you were supposed to do while you were alive but you didn't, because Well, because I robbed you of the chance to do so.
And it could be anything.
It could be, um reuniting with family.
Or, um, maybe righting some wrongs.
Or seeing a sunset for the last time.
Anything, but whatever it is, I promise you, I'm going to be right by your side, no matter how long it takes.
Because that is the least I owe you.
Could be anything, you say? So, how did you two find each other? - Wolf whistle? Lychic connection? - I started by looking for open spaces, away from big conurbations, - where it might be safe to transform.
- It don't matter, honestly.
And you're planning on sticking around for a while? - Well, I can't exactly go home, can I? - Why not? Who wants a werewolf for a daughter? I don't belong there any more.
Anyway, thank you for inviting us to your chambers.
Actually, I was hoping to study law myself.
What, you want to be a lawyer? Well, barrister.
But a university campus is out of the question, unfortunately.
Well, you ever need some work experience Thanks! SoYouTube.
Tom said you might be the man to explain how this stuff is getting out there? This is actually the first I've heard about it.
Saying that Look, I shouldn't really be telling you this.
I mean, it's pretty hard-core vampire politics.
But for years, vampires like me have been fighting to keep us all under the radar.
And recently, there's been this minority who seem keen to get you guys out in the open.
- Why? - I don't know.
It would be a disaster for us all.
But since the whole Box Tunnel fiasco, things are kind of splintered.
A lot of the extremists have gravitated here, to Barry.
That was probably one of them you took out on the docks.
The ringleader is a woman called Golda, but she's got protection, so there's not much I can do on my own.
But if you, Tom McNair, vampire slayer, could get involved Vampire slayer?! How many vampires have youslain?! Ooh, um Three or four .
.
dozen.
And you're condoning this?! - Well, we can't exactly go to Ofcom.
- Mr Cutler, I am surprised at you! - A man of the Bar! - Look, Allison, laws don't apply here.
Courts, police, it's all irrelevant.
Isn't that right, Tom? You saw what he was going to do to you at the docks.
But you can't just go around killing people! That's not what normal people do.
Yeah, well, we're not normal people, are we? We're werewolves! If we don't stop these guys, who will? It's a war.
We're all soldiers.
We've got to pick a side.
They're probably out looking for you at the docks at the moment.
But I work out a way to get to them first, do you think you can do your thing? Allison? OK.
But only if you teach me how to do it, too.
OK.
I got so many thing to do, I I got work to do I got work, baby I gotta do I, I, I got work to do Apologies.
- I didn't I didn't hear you.
- No worries.
It's nice to Shit! - I'm so sorry, I didn't mean - It's OK! I was about to call for something else to do, but you've saved me the trouble.
But what can I get you first? Ah, five teas, please.
I'll have a shot of whatever you're on, too! No drugs.
No Kia-Ora.
Just good, old-fashioned hard work and routine.
So, er Just passing through, are you? - No, I'm on holiday.
- Here?! - Mm.
- I'm so sorry.
I've got three little brothers, it's cheap, there's not much left for them to vandalise.
One of them got pissed and fell out of a dinghy, so I had to wade into the sea, hence the muddy feet.
Let's hope it's just mud.
So, what are you driving? Excuse me? Three brothers and a dad like mine, there's not a man on this Earth I can't talk to! OK, scratch the driving.
Right, check this out.
The pepper's the goalkeeper.
And then the ketchup's the last defender.
Then there's the salt On or offside? I don't really follow the rugby.
OK.
You want the big guns, then.
Pull my finger.
Look, I'm sorry.
Um I think I may have misled you.
I was just being friendly.
Same here! So, um, you've got a girlfriend, then? No.
Boyfriend? No.
Ah, you're religious.
Hence your weird blend of happiness and sexual repression.
No.
Oh.
Oh, you just You just don't fancy me.
No, it's all right, you don't have to answer that.
Thank you forfor the teas.
Just It was nice to meet you.
Clearly We could go down the Legion! Put laxative in the Guinness.
Are you sure there isn't a wife or some kids that you want to get in touch with? Or we could pay a visit to those noisy little pricks over the road.
They should be home from school in a minute.
- Shit them right up.
- Emrys! What?! We're ghosts.
- We could do whatever we want.
- No, we can't! Why not? Hey! Hey, guys! Gosh, how's it going? Well, what an eventful day! - After we left - No news, really.
- What about you? - No, no, very dull.
Nothing remotely interesting has happened here.
- Who were you talking to? - Me? Talking to, just now? - Is that what you're asking me? - Mm.
A ghost.
But he's very boring, so don't talk to him, don't ask him anything, especially not about how he died.
Yeah.
- We should go.
- Yes.
Yes, up them stairs, go for it.
I wish I could come with you.
Sounds a bit weird.
- Yeah.
- OK! Off you go! See you later.
It's probably best not to mention the whole killing thing to Annie.
Say no more.
First rule of chess club! What's all this? Oh, just some rubbish the man who used to live here put up.
I forgot to take 'em down.
You know That was a pretty convincing argument you made.
- Back in the office.
- Really? A bit rough around the edges You could've drawn me in more, wrong-footed me with a rhetorical question, hit me with a metaphor.
Butyou've got potential.
I could I could help you! If you like? This could work both ways.
Likerevision buddies! OK.
Sowhere do we start? And they called it puppy love Oh, I guess they'll never know How a young heart really feels And why I love her so And they called it puppy love Just because we're in our teens So I put it to you that vampires and werewolves can co-exist in relative peace and harmony.
All in favour of the motion? .
.
Take away my only dream I cry each night My tears for you My tears If we lived on other planets, do you think the moon would still affect us? If we lived on the moon, do you think we could be werewolves all the time? - Forecast's good this evening.
- Cheers, mate.
You could get me to jog behind your bike again.
I can't, Allison's taking me out.
How's the investigation going? Any leads? I was thinking now that you're helping me get my cravings in check, I could help you.
It's a good way for me and Allison tohang around together.
Alone.
- You understand, don't you? - Of course, of course.
So, you're officially courting now? Well, I don't know.
It's fun, training and that, but we ain't even held hands yet.
Then it is time to declare your intentions! First, write her a poem.
Then speak to her father.
Annie said I should just get drunk and try and snog her.
It's all so brutish these days! I preferred the dowry system.
Yeah.
Girls are brilliant.
You should get back out there.
We both know the dangers if that happens.
No, it's the opposite.
The last thing you want to do is kill them.
And you've got all your routines.
- They only work so far.
- You don't know that.
I put it to you - you're a good man with myriad years of self-control.
Enough with the debating! Hi.
Hi.
Can I help? Yeah, I was actually looking for a guy that was working in here the other day? - Posh, bit weird.
- Hal? Yeah, he's just Is he in today? Yes.
Ahh! No.
Maybe later.
Right, well, could you maybe get him to give me a call? Yep, and what, can I ask, is it about? Oh, we just got chatting and I kinda thought we hit it off, even if he wasn't so sure.
What are you doing later? Ahh! Because he's coming out with me and my girlfriend.
- You could come, too.
- Oh, really? Yeah.
He mentioned you, in fact.
Aled.
Alex.
- Yep.
- But he's not on day release, or anything like that, is he? Like I said, he waskind of odd.
Nah, he's just a bit shy, that's all.
I'll get him to give you a ring later - Arrange where to meet up.
- Cool.
Well, um, see you later, then.
Bye, Hal.
- What do you think you're doing? - It'll be brilliant! We can be each other's wing men.
You can help me tell Allison that I "like her" like her.
And I Can stop me from ripping Aled's throat out.
Yeah.
Allison.
Who are you? OK, I'm sorry, I should've explained.
Everybody, this is Emrys.
- I killed him.
- What? - She killed me.
- Accidentally, yes.
He was watching me! - I'll slap that grin off your face! - Hey! - You said I was invisible! - No, not to other supernaturals.
- What's she, then? - Werewolf.
- Explains the growling.
- Oh! No, look, it's fine.
I'm all over this.
We just need to figure out his unfinished business and then move him on.
Haunting our bathroom? Of course not.
Unfinished business is something good and something righteous.
Who says? I knew a ghost whose unfinished business was to castrate her brother-in-law.
- Ooh! - Something inappropriate.
So, it could be anything.
See? No.
No, I refuse to believe that.
Why? Well, I'm still here, aren't I? And when my time comes, it will be to do something good.
Look, I know you want to get rid of me, Annie.
- No, I don't - And maybe I do know what my unfinished business is.
- Really? - What, then? Well I didn't mean to scare anyone.
And I think the reason I'm still, you know curious about women And this isn't easy for me to say.
It's because I've never been kissed.
What? - When I was alive, like.
- Really?! Never, ever? In your whole life? - It's not that unbelievable.
- I could imagine.
- We've all had dry spells.
- I tried.
God, I tried! Even came close, well, a couple of times.
I know I'm a grumpy old sod, but it's hard being nice, when all you're used to is knock-backs.
Go to the bingo, wait for one of the old ladies to die.
Actually, I was hoping for a younger model.
Annie? Oh! I understand if you don't want to.
I mean you're a powerful young woman and I'm just an old man, who can't even defend himself.
Probably get it wrong anyway.
No, no, no.
No, I, um It's my fault that we're in this situation.
So, um Yeah.
And kissing is a nice thing.
It's a lovely thing.
Right.
Good.
Ahem.
OK.
No tongues.
OK? Emrys Did it work? You said you weren't married.
Shithole.
She paid for this out of the divorce settlement, you know.
This has got to be it! Why did you guys split up? She ran off with her piano teacher.
And you never came to terms with it.
Of course.
Right, OK, so you have to tell her that you're still in love with her.
- I don't even like her! - Emrys! She hasn't aged well.
Dodged a bullet there, I think.
- Just saying.
- Tell her.
Lesley - Her name's Lesley.
- Great.
Lesley I know we've had our ups and downs.
Mostly downs.
But I've been told I still have .
.
feelings for you.
I thought it was hatred, bitterness, resentment, but apparently, it's all because I .
.
I still love you.
And I forgive you for running off with Gwyn.
Ah, hello, dear.
Wanker.
Ah! Emrys, look.
Your door.
Will I see you again? On the other side, like? Hope so.
Thank you.
Annie? Annie? Is this how it's supposed to be? Why are you putting me in a cupboard? I don't think she's going to turn up, so I should go.
- It's only five past.
- Hal, listen Tom told me that you haven't had much female contact over the last few decades, but you just need to relax! Pretend Tom and I are a couple.
That'll lower her defences and then you can move in for the kill! Hal, I've found these matches and some of them are the wrong way round.
We'll soon see about that! Calms him down.
I knew he'd get like this.
Hi.
Alex.
Hello! Thanks for coming! You've already met my house and workmate, Tom.
This is his girlfriend, - Allison.
- Lovely to meet you! We always wondered what it would take to pin this one down.
Right, so, um Which bar are we going to? Bar? Who needs a bar with this bad boy in town? A museum.
Oh, but it's fine, cos there's a bar in there, yeah? If by "bar" you mean "tea shop"! Show her the badge.
Tom! Free entry to hundreds of attractions and museums all over the country.
Cool Come on, then.
So is this your thing, then? - Museums? - Yes.
Romantic.
And educational.
I suppose it's cheaper than Rohypnol.
No, they will not be happy in a Travelodge.
What part of "four stars or more" don't you understand? What's that? Peace offering? Wait.
Could be drugged.
A shaman once told me I have the constitution of an armadillo.
It's clean.
- Why the change of heart? - I need your help.
The werewolf I was telling you about is hiding out in a warehouse near the docks.
That's probably what happened to your other gimp.
Noo-ooo-ooo-ooo! All right, darling.
Poor bastard.
Took one for the team.
I don't think I can get him on my own, so I was wondering if I could borrow Kane.
We'll share the credit in front of the Old Ones.
No.
But you wanted a dog.
I don't see why you have to be involved at all.
- It's my idea.
- Was.
You can get me a lickle werewolf, can't you? I'll get you a unicorn if you want it, baby.
Hey, that's not fair! Complain to your line manager.
Oh, hang on! I think that's me.
Allison.
While we're out, - I just want to tell you that I like you.
- Oh, yeah, I like you too, Tom! Keep it going.
He looks like he could use all the help he can get.
What are you doing? You're not supposed to leave me alone with her.
You're supposed to be feeding me lines.
When they say housemates, they do have separate bedrooms, don't they? Leave it to me.
Why don't we check out the ichthyosaur? It's a fossil.
Why not? Well, actually, I think Alex was keener on seeing the woolly mammoth.
Aren't you? Er, yeah.
It's so big and woolly.
We could do both together.
I think what Alex is trying to say is that she and Hal would like some private time.
Oh, well, I Hello? Tom? It's Cutler.
They sent the other bodyguard after you.
We've got to go.
What?! Just be careful and focus on the matches.
No glove, no love.
- Everythingall right? - Yeah, great.
You just You seem a little bit mental.
Sorry, it was It was the elephant in the room.
Couldn't resist! Sorry.
- I'm a bit rusty.
- Oh, me too.
Are you just out of a long-term relationship or something? Something like that.
So, you're scared of commitment and you don't want to get hurt? I don't want to hurt you.
Look, I'm only here a couple of days, so you don't have to worry about commitment.
And I can look after myself, so you're not going to hurt me.
And I'm not gonna hurt you.
Well Unless you really want me to.
So? What do you reckon? Come on, I won't even look you in the eyes.
Are you looking for me? Not so fast, Goliath.
- Think you've got me, don't you? - Um, yeah.
Well, maybe you have.
But maybe you haven't.
Is that a risk you're willing to take? Yeah.
Gambling man, eh? Well, I'm a card shark.
- And this is my casino.
- Sorry, we want to talk about these news stories.
Don't you think it's up to werewolves to decide if we want to go public? - I can feel you, shaking.
- Just answer the question.
Shaking like a little lady.
- Sexist! - Too close, Allison.
Allison! Looks like I'm the one holding the cards.
Now, are you gonna twist or stick? - What does that even mean?! - Allison Everybody loves Bruce Willis, but he's got a script.
- You're just making it up.
- Shut up! Or I'll shut you up.
Uh-uh! Cliche! How's about I write a script in your neck? Like a deadly author, with a poison pen.
- Murder, he wrote.
- I would've said William Stake-spear? He's not going to stake you.
Try me.
Our blood's like acid to them.
I'd rather burn than let you both live.
We'll see about that.
The face, not the face! Something aboutheartburn? Heartbreak? No, that doesn't work, does it? Shit.
Are you all right? That was amazing! Yes! Wait a minute, wait! Oh.
I thought you were just pleased to see me.
Ooh! - You are.
- Oh, hang on, then.
What now? Garlic, holy water? - Are you all right? Your nose - It's fine.
And you didn't mind killing? He got what he deserved.
Now I'm going to give you what you deserve, Slayer! We didn't catch the ichthyosaurus at the museum! If we head back - It'll be shut! - Even with the badge? Fuck the badge! Allison! - You had to build Tracy Island for that! - Am I doing something wrong? I don't think so.
I've never been with a boy before.
Me neither.
Or a girl.
I think I think we're supposed to just .
.
relax .
.
and do what feels natural.
ImagineI'm a vampire and you're a stake, plunging in and out.
What? You're not a vampire.
You're a flower and I'm a bee.
We're supposed to spend time together, take it slow, like a pack.
We are - a vampire-killing pack! It's not supposed to be like this.
Like what?! In the middle of all the violence.
But there's a war on! You said! This is what it's like - snatched moments in air-raid shelters.
You're not a soldier! I am! Tom? Tom! So, you have no friends, you don't owe any money and you have no regrets? Oh! Have you seen Titanic? I'm reading that.
Are you all right, Tom? That Allison's changed.
That's what happens when they get their slippers under the bed, son.
Killed a vampire.
- Tom - Killed two of them, actually.
After the first one, she was sick, scared.
But then today, she liked it.
- She was all buzzing and excited.
- Like you? Hm? Well, that's what happens, Tom.
Killing changes you.
Look where I've ended up.
Hacking down seniors in the twilight of their lives.
- Hey, isn't this your bit of stuff? - What? At least it's not page three, thank God! "The parents of Allison Larkin have made an" - Emotional.
- ".
.
emotional appeal "for the safe return of their daughter.
" Allison? Give me a ring when you get this, darling.
I'm holding the fort on my own here.
Problem? No.
Surely a dog's no match for a gym bunny? You set him up? You think the Old Ones will be impressed with that? Leave him alone! I've got your back.
You betrayed us for a dog? For a werewolf.
- There's a difference.
- Exactly.
Now, tell us why you're planting these stories in the press.
The YouTube video? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- She's lying! Ssh! Eve, come on, please.
Ssh, ssh, ssh-ssh-ssh.
- All right, all right.
Ssh-ssh.
- It's all go around here, isn't it? Things are going to have to change if I'm sticking round.
You are not sticking around! Maybe it's destiny.
I mean, the boys have got their girls and you've got me.
- Ssh.
- Don't mind giving my back a rub, do you? I think I banged it when you tossed me over the wall like next door's cat.
All right! All right, listen.
We've been over this and I've said I'm sorry.
I am really, really sorry.
I'm not complaining.
I've enjoyed being dead.
- You're not supposed to enjoy it! - That's the problem with you, Annie.
Everything's supposed to be like this, or that, I'm not supposed to like naked girlies.
Unfinished business has to be good.
Look, life isn't like that.
Mine wasn't.
I don't see why death has to be.
Right.
You are holding Eve.
Yes? And me and you, we are going out.
Ah, what's the matter? Can't fetch, bitch? Allison, stop! If you kill her, you'll change for ever.
You won't be human any more.
I'm not a human.
I'm a werewolf.
- Only for one night a month.
- Get off me! You bite, I bleed on you.
I saw your mum and dad in the paper.
They want you back.
They love you.
I can't go back like this.
I don't belong there any more, you know that! Yes, you do! You're cool, you're funny, you're clever.
You know Norwegian! On a full moon, you drag a chicken round on a string and transform somewhere quiet.
The rest of the month, you don't have to change at all, cos you're perfect.
If I let you go, do you promise not to try anything? Mm.
Give me your word.
I promise.
That's a verbal contract, made in the presence of two witnesses, one of whom is a qualified solicitor.
Tomshe's dangerous.
You wait till the Old Ones hear about this.
It doesn't have to be like this - vampires against werewolves.
Look at Tom, Mr Cutler.
They're proof of that.
Come on.
Paxies? Allison! What's going on with the stories, the stuff in the press? Chillax.
It's over.
Case closed.
They say they've found Jenny Wilson's body.
The Box Tunnel coroner? Well, maybe they did.
Might not all be fabricated.
At the Brecon Beacons? At the Upper Neuadd reservoir? Nobody goes there! It's desolate.
- Then how do you know? - What does it matter? Hal? Oh, well, look, this is today's! We only just took out the woman involved, so if it's anything to do with her, - this is the last we'll hear about it.
- A woman? - It was a woman? - Yeah, by the docks.
Her name was Golda.
How did it go with Alex? I don't think we'll be seeing her again.
- She tried to kiss me, and - You killed her?! No! No, I think the routines have really helped suppress those urges.
So, you, erchickened out? That's absolutely ridicu - How dare you?! - Oh, my God! You weren't scared of killing.
You're just scared! I have seduced several thousand women in my time.
When you was all blooded up, but now you're just a scaredy cat! I'll have you know, I am a ruthless killer! Talk to her, then.
You rang her off my phone.
What are you doing? Tom, stop that! It's ringing! You've no idea of the dangers you're putting her in.
Talk.
Talk! Hello, Alex? It's voice mail.
I'm afraid I'm not au fait with answering machine etiquette.
I was telephoning to apologise for being so ungentlemanly at the museum.
And I was wondering if perhaps you'll allow me the privilege of making it up to you in person, with dinner, perhaps.
A dance.
Or some alternative courtly ritual.
It's Hal, by the way! Got a good feeling about those two.
Maybe we could go on another double date? I'm not sure.
You think he's too shy? No.
I don't think we should see each other again.
- What? - You've got a degree to finish.
But we can still see each other at weekends.
I can teach you how to e-mail.
- Use a webcam.
- Right.
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? No, but it don't matter.
I don't want to see you again.
But .
.
you said I wasperfect.
You are.
And I don't want to change that.
Well, I'm not.
And you won't! - I almost did.
- Look, Tom, I may have got a bit carried away, but I'm my own person.
I know what I want.
AndI want you.
- Well, I don't want you.
- Stop it.
No, you stop it.
You're speccy, you're annoying and you talk too much.
I know what you're trying to do and it won't work.
I'm not trying to do anything.
I just want you to go.
Go, then! Fine.
Allison.
You forgot this.
If she says I'm your girl Then what can that mean? And you dance with her like it's been all your life He says it happens when you least expect it In a world of hasty words Can they be right? Keep it.
- Tak.
- Tak.
.
.
And precedents and case files don't apply When eyes and ears and tongue mistrust their power The organ in your chest perceives the light.
Ha! Whoa! Hahahaha! Woo! Woo-ooo! Woooo! Waaaah, woo! Let's get out of here! Hurry up! Hurry up! - That was brilliant! - But totally unethical.
Apparently not.
I knew I was right.
When your time comes, remember.
It might not be a good thing you have to do.
Well thanks, Annie.
I, er I'm sorry we didn't get to smooch.
Me, too Fancy onefor the road? Piss off.
That's more like it! - Annie? - No, not another cupboard! God, Annie, it's really you.
I've come so far to find you.
Who are you? I'll explain everything, but you have to come with me.
- No, no, no, not again.
- Annie, listen to me.
There's never been anything more important.
I have a baby, Eve.
I have to look after her.
AnnieI am the baby.
- What? - It's me, Annie.
Mum.
I'm Eve.
- My God - It's you.
Mum! But it's me.
It's Eve.
I died and came back through history.
This thing that you want to tell me.
What is it? So this is the future.
Ooh, do people have jet packs? No, mostly everyone's dead.
Tomorrow is a full moon, so what I was thinking was, I get you in there, - you transform - Tear 'em to shreds.
You could go straight back to the top of the pile.
That's your rightful place.
I bought you a drink but, well, you were late, so I drank it.
I've been drinking already.
Creepy and a day-drinker.
Sooner or later, we all go back to being the monsters we truly are.