Best Friends Whenever (2015) s01e13 Episode Script

I'm going to tell you the story about what happened the first Christmas I lived with Shelby.
It was two days before Christmas and Shelby, Barry and Naldo were busy decorating.
Hey look, Diesel's dressed as Santa.
No, I think he's just wearing the pelt of his latest victim.
Great job, guys.
Only eight more boxes of ornaments to put on.
Shelby, I think the tree has reached critical mass.
Or critical Chris-mass, if I may.
No? I may not? Okay.
You may be wondering where I was.
Out shopping for Shelby's present.
She always gives the most thoughtful, most perfect, most impossible to live up to gifts.
Like the year I got her a cute sweater, Shelby made me boxing gloves with mistletoe on them.
I mean, they said, "Kiss my fist.
" How awesome is that? So the next year I upped my game and got her really comfy slippers.
But Shelby rigged my locker with a slushie machine.
I gave myself brain freeze between every class.
It was glorious.
So the next year I had to up my game even more.
I got her a super cute collectible stuffed cuddle bunny.
But she got me Diesel! Who ate the cuddle bunny.
While I was trying to figure out the perfect gift to get Shelby, Barry and Naldo were doing some precision calculations of their own.
Rotate 20 degrees up altitude, four degrees right azimuth.
Now transpose the poof.
Perfect.
I know Don wasn't born here on Earth, but he's assimilating nicely.
Renaldo, what are you doing? Assimilating nicely.
Hey, are you guys doing a Winter Wonderland this year? No, no, no.
We are absolutely not doing another Winter Wonderland.
Don't you remember last year? How could you forget the elf war? I try not to remember bad things.
I only remember what Chet remembers.
Barry, do you ever wonder if we only exist in their minds? Please, Renaldo, nothing exists in their minds.
Holiday shopping was a disaster.
How was I ever going to get Shelby a gift as thoughtful as what she was getting me if I didn't know what she was getting me? But then it hit me.
I remembered something Barry and Naldo told me.
Sorry, Cyd, I have no idea what Shelby got you.
Neither do I.
All I know is last Christmas Eve a neighbor's package was accidentally delivered to the house.
Shelby opened it by mistake, and whatever was inside gave her the idea for the gift that she got you.
So you see, I have no idea.
If only I could time travel to last Christmas Eve, I could find out what Shelby got me.
But how could I jump without her knowing? But then it hit me! Only one of us has to think of where we're going when we jump.
Maybe I could time jump with Shelby while she was sleeping.
And she'll never know.
What? Be quiet, Shelby, I'm trying to sleep! Oh, sorry, Cyd.
Only problem was, I forgot that last year, I didn't live with Shelby.
I lived four blocks away.
Cyd? What's going on? Nothing.
It's Christmas Eve.
This Christmas Eve.
Wouldn't be any other Christmas Eve.
That wouldn't make sense.
And then I realized Last Christmas Eve, none of my stuff was here.
If Shelby saw this, she would know what I did.
Shelby! What? Check out my Christmas dance.
It's all over here! All over on this side of the room.
Don't look away, you might miss it! I could not keep this up for long.
So I had jump jacked Shelby to a year earlier, but I couldn't let her see that half of our room was completely different.
Don't worry.
I had the situation under control.
Are you kidding me with that dance? Never stop doing it, it is awesome! Just trying to get you pumped up for when I give you my gift.
Well, it's working! I mean, normally, I'm a strict Christmas Day gal, but let's exchange gifts.
I'll go get mine.
Oh! Cyd, what are you doing? I just really wanna go first.
Uh, mine's a pretty big gift.
In fact, this is just phase one of my gift.
Yeah.
It's, uh, an amazing, um, Christmas Eve breakfast! You're gonna cook? Last time you tried to boil water, you set it on fire.
It was water, Cyd.
And you set it on fire.
Trust me.
It's gonna be great! And thus began the Christmas of lies.
All I had to do was keep Shelby from noticing it was last year, until the wrong package arrived.
So I could see what gift she got me.
Fortunately, the rest of the house was decorated exactly the same last year.
I got this.
It's in the bag.
So what's this breakfast you're making me? It's in the bag.
But this is muffin crumbs.
Yeah! From that hot new muffin crumb place on Sixth.
Crumb-believable.
I couldn't believe I made up a place with such a good name.
And on Sixth! That's a good location, too.
Oh, I'll get it.
This could be the wrong delivery that inspired Shelby's gift.
But I had to make sure she didn't see it, or she'd know we were in the past.
No, no, I'll get it.
You just enjoy your present.
You gotta lick the inside of the bag.
The best crumbs are the sticky ones.
"Astrid Marcus.
" Forget muffin crumbs.
Somebody should open up a store that sells bag bottoms.
They are delicious.
Meanwhile, also in the past, Barry and Naldo were doing last Christmas again for the first time.
Wait, does that Yeah, that's right.
Barry, check it out.
It snowed in the backyard on Christmas Eve! Of course, it did.
I built a snow machine by combining water and pressurized air and blasting it through a Freon tube.
Hah! Barry, come on, the science behind snow machines is dubious at best.
Okay, fine, Renaldo.
How do you explain it? I seeded the clouds by shooting a rocket into the sky filled with wintergreen mints.
That is ridiculous.
Then how do you explain this? Okay, that is pretty minty.
Regardless of how it got here, this snow is perfect for my Winter Wonderland.
I think it's really cool that you're doing this for the neighborhood.
It's so unlike you.
It's a social experiment to manipulate the innocent during Christmas time.
Oh, that's very like you.
I will test the limits of Christmas cheer by taking two subjects and seeing if their holiday spirit can withstand the dark side of human nature.
All I need are two pure, untainted subjects.
I am pure.
I am untainted.
Whoa! In fairness, I texted them to walk over here and say that.
Bret, Chet, thank you so much for recruiting all your friends and helping make my Winter Wonderland so merry and bright.
I'm spreading holiday cheer.
I'm spreading germs.
Now, watch as my experiment sets the Candy Cane elves and the Snowflake elves against each other and destroys their holiday spirit.
Chet, I am making you my head elf.
Say, don't you think your brother's twinkle lights look a little crooked? Yeah.
Straighten your twinkles, Bret.
Sorry, Chet.
Bret.
You gonna let your brother talk about your twinkles like that? He's acting like he's head elf or something.
I wouldn't take that if I were you.
Straighten your own twinkles, Candy Cane.
You Snowflakes think you're better than us? Yeah, you do.
Yeah, I do.
You're not better than us! Wow.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine my experiment would work this well.
I mean, human nature has overwhelmed the holiday spirit in a matter of seconds.
Barry, are you sure you want to do this at Christmas time? You're gonna end up on the naughty list.
When Santa starts making Alpha Particle X-Ray Spectrometers, I'll start caring about the naughty list.
Whoa, Santa, I do not know this man, I have never seen him in my life.
We're still in for that mountain bike, right? I knew the wrong package was going to be delivered, but I just didn't know when.
Whatcha lookin' for? Is it phase two of my gift? If it involves 19th century carols, Ooh, I'm gonna get dressed before the carolers arrive.
I mean, I'm not saying it has to be carolers, but if it is, Wait, no, you can't! What? Why not? If Shelby saw the bedroom, she'd figure out we were in the past.
And if this was the package that's being delivered to the wrong address, she'd figure out I jump jacked her! Don't answer the door.
Cyd, what is going on? Phase two is going on.
It's in, uh, the living room, and it's under something.
Oops, I've given it all away.
That'll keep her busy.
"Norm Marcus.
" Wow, Cyd.
This hat is amazing.
Thank you so much.
I had no idea where she found that.
I'm pretty sure it was just one of Chet's socks.
Look, Cyd.
I'm completely digging this.
But it's like almost 11:00.
I just wanna get dressed before phase three.
Shelby, wait! I forgot this was the Christmas Norm gave up and got everybody marbles! What happened? Everything is gone.
Your graffiti! Your heavy bag! Your charming mix of clean clothes and food trash! I can see the floor.
Why can I see the floor? I had to come up with an explanation and I had to do it quick.
We were robbed? And I had to make it convincing.
We were robbed! Barry, you gotta see this.
I know.
Clearly, the negative aspects of human nature are stronger than the altruism engendered by holiday cheer.
That's what I'm trying to tell you! But in different easier-to-understand words.
What is going on? I think you started an elf war.
Well, at least it will be short.
Get it? Short? Elves? Nothing? If we're not gonna laugh, then why are we here? Those Candy Canes think they're better than us.
But we'll show them who rules this Winter Wonderland! Yeah! What Bret said! Except about us! Yeah! Barry, you have to do something.
You're right, Renaldo, I've proven my point.
No need for actual carnage.
You've all been unwitting participants in a behavioral experiment, but it's over now.
Draw your weapons! Yeah! I have all the data I need.
Thank you for your time and participation.
You can all go home now.
This is our home! We live here! Well, I live here! But you live nearby! Yeah! No, stop, listen to me.
I'm in charge! What he said! Charge! Why did they only break into the attic? And why did they only take your stuff? You wanted them to take your stuff? No, I'm just a little insulted they didn't.
I got a lot of nice stuff here.
Oh, no, what if they're coming back for my stuff? We should call the police! No, no! They're not coming back for your stuff.
Why would they want this junk? You think my stuff is junk? I don't know what I think.
I've been robbed! What if that's the robbers? I don't think robbers knock.
What if they're polite robbers? What if they were brought up right? Then they wouldn't be robbers.
I'll go answer the door.
You stay up here.
Finally, this had to be the delivery I was waiting for.
"For Bret and Chet.
" Dang it! Is that an elf war? Well, can't worry about that now.
Cyd? What are you doing here? It's Christmas Eve.
Why aren't you at home with your family? I was in too deep.
I had to come clean.
Because my family is not at home.
They're on a trip to New York.
And they forgot me.
Or I could just keep lying.
Oh, Cyd, that is terrible! I'm gonna call your father on his cell, so he knows that you're okay.
Cyd? Mom, Dad.
I'm so glad you're back.
Something terrible has happened.
I know.
We talked to Cyd.
She told us all about it.
Well, don't worry, I handled it.
I called the police.
Shelby, why would you call the police? Because they took all of Cyd's stuff! I know! And they didn't take Cyd.
It's terrible.
Dad, it's a good thing they didn't take Cyd.
Oh, I don't know.
I think Cyd would have really benefited from it.
And they really want to spend Christmas with her.
But they're criminals! Oh, sweetie.
They aren't criminals.
They're good, hardworking people.
They're just a little ruder than us.
You really didn't need to call the police over this.
It was an honest mistake.
Dad, what they did is wrong.
They have to pay for it.
Honey, I'm sure they feel terrible about leaving Cyd behind.
They must have been planning this getaway for months.
What is wrong with you guys? So I told Shelby we were robbed, and told her parents that my folks left me home while they went to New York.
But I had to stay in the past long enough to see the wrong package delivered, so I'd know what Shelby was getting me this year.
I had to get her a gift just as thoughtful to show her how much her friendship means to me.
It's ringing.
That's how phones work, dear.
But first, I had to run home and answer that phone before my dad did.
Hello.
This is Ed Ripley.
I'm in New York.
And I'm an adult man.
Hello, Ed.
It's Norm Marcus.
In Portland.
Also an adult man.
What are you doing? It's guy stuff.
You wouldn't understand.
So you probably already know this by now, but you forgot to take Cyd on your trip.
Yep, I remembered my toothbrush, forgot my daughter.
These things happen.
Thanks for calling.
Ed, are you feeling okay? You sound kinda funny.
There's nothing funny about this, Norm! I left my kid back in Portland.
Don't worry, we're coming home right now.
We'll watch after Cyd until you get here.
You're my main man, Norm.
Wow.
I've always wanted to be someone's main man.
It's okay.
It's okay.
You'll be home soon.
It won't go back on.
It won't go back on! This is horrible.
You ruined Christmas, Bret! No, you ruined Christmas, Chet! No, I ruined Christmas.
I pitted you against each other for selfish reasons.
It doesn't matter whether you're one of Chet's Candy Canes or Bret's Snowflakes, because Christmas is about coming together.
Like this gingerbread boy and this reindeer coming together to make Well, not this.
This is a holiday abomination.
I took your holiday spirit.
And I don't expect you to forgive me, but I'm sorry.
We forgive you, Barry.
I used my hand as a tissue.
You forgive me? Of course they do, Barry.
It's Christmas.
Wow.
I guess I was wrong.
I guess the holiday spirit really is stronger than the dark side of human nature.
But the dark side is pretty strong, too.
Light him up, Chet! Barry Christmas, everyone.
Really, so we're laughing at that? I ran back to Shelby's house as fast as I could, but events had spun out of control.
I don't know why she Why are the police here? He's here because of what those horrible people did to you.
Honey, it was a simple mistake.
I called them, and they're coming back for Cyd.
Cyd, run! Go to the woods where they'll never find you.
I'll bring you snacks! Hold on, hold on.
Who's coming back for her? The robbers.
Cyd's parents.
Your parents robbed you? Can you describe your parents? Well, it was over.
There's no way I could give my parents up to the police.
My dad's about this tall, dark hair.
Cyd, what are you talking about? You're right, this whole thing has gone too far.
I'll explain everything.
But first, while I was gone, have any packages been delivered? Just this one, but it was delivered to the wrong address.
And there it was.
My whole reason for coming back to last Christmas Eve.
It's beautiful.
Cyd, wait, this is the package that gave me the idea for What is going on? Are we back in Yeah, we are.
I'm sorry, Shelby.
I was trying to figure out what you gave me for Christmas, so I jump jacked you while you were sleeping.
You jump jacked me? "Jump jacking"? Is that a thing we should be worried about? I don't know, honey.
I'm looking it up right now.
Your gifts are always so thoughtful, Shelby.
You're the one person in the world who means the most to me.
And just once I wanted to get you a gift that showed you that.
Because you're my best friend.
"And then Shelby and I hugged and time traveled back to the present.
"And that's the story of the first Christmas I lived with Shelby.
"The end.
" I wanted to give you something that would make you feel the way your gifts make me feel.
So I wrote you this.
Merry Christmas, Shelby.
Cyd.
I love it.
A story about how much our friendship means to you, it's the best gift you could have ever given me.
Now I'm kind of embarrassed to give you what I got you.
I mean, it's never gonna live up to what you gave me.
Shelbs? Is that a bathtub full of chocolate? I don't know where to start.
At the bottom.
There's marshmallows down there.
Merry Christmas, Cyd.
Merry Christmas, Shelby.
What's this? An alternate ending? Your gifts are always so thoughtful, Shelby.
You're the one person in the world who means the most to me.
And just once I wanted to get you a gift that showed you that.
I know you love me! Can't get mad at that! Whoo! Whoo! Why did she change that ending? It is awesome.