Betas (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 All right, let's do this.
Watch all episodes of betas, exclusively on Amazon prime instant video.
- This is so great.
- Perfect.
[Sailing by Christopher cross] - sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be [Crunching] [toy guns firing] just a dream and the wind to carry me and soon I will be free [typing loudly] [Toy guns firing] - Unacceptable.
[Grand symphonic music playing] - Space available.
Valet-me.
Jolly well parked, sir.
[Phone ringing] - I still can't believe valet-me closed their series "a.
" I mean, 800k? This thing's a joke.
- Listen, Trey, i can't do this anymore.
Can't be productive here.
Two weeks behind schedule, and everywhere there's cheetos and sweat stains and pizza crusts.
I c-c-can't think! Okay, i-- [toy guns firing] Assholes! - Okay, Nash, you're dropping your pronouns again.
Try to breathe, okay? Put on your music, your Billy Joel or whatever.
- Billy Joel is shit, okay? He does not soothe me.
He's not Toto.
He's not the little river band.
- I can't talk to you when you're like this.
Put Hobbes on.
- Hobbes isn't here.
- Ooh.
[Chuckles] Naughty girl, i know what that means.
- Mm.
- That's hot.
Speaking of that, I'm getting pretty hot myself.
You wet? [Kid slurping straw] - Like monsoon season, baby.
- Excuse me, mister, are you finished? - Finished? Como se dice "cock block"? - [Speaking spanish] - Sorry.
- Yo, what up, hobnob? - Hey.
What's up, man? - Oh, jeez.
- How are ya? Swear to god, Mitch, this neighborhood's falling apart.
Can't even finish a load anymore without some pequeno pervert staring at me.
- Uh, yeah.
I was gonna say, man, my roommate's mom does, like, all of our laundry.
So you ever want me to throw in cycle or whatever, just say the word.
G2g.
- All right.
- Do you have any of that Adderall lying around? - Yeah, but it's, uh, my prescription, so I kind of need that for my mesolimbic pathway to - Mm.
Thanks, man.
- Help me function my brain.
- I'm fuckin' exhausted.
- Hm.
Bottoms up.
[Chuckles] - Hey, is Trey still meeting with that angel tomorrow? - That's the word from on high.
- That could mean some serious cheddar.
- [Chuckles] I'd settle for grocery money.
If I eat any more tuna, I'm gonna have to start a softball team.
[Both chuckle] [Ping-pong ball bouncing] - Cancel the meeting.
- You don't cancel on George murchison.
If he invests in brb, we're golden.
No more bootstrapping.
No more communal office.
No more Nash freak-outs.
- It's not ready.
I smoke-tested the build last night, - and it bricked my phone.
- Fuck the build.
Our algorithm alone is worth major seed money.
Investors are buying napkin sketches from high school dropouts.
- I don't make napkin sketches.
- I didn't say that.
- You did--you said, "make a napkin sketch.
" - No, not you-- - yeah, I don't do that.
- I--yes, I know-- [Sighs] I'm a broken man, I'm damaged goods lock me in the basement with furnace soot [elevator bell dings] - Give me your digits, girl.
[Woman on phone moans] I'll text you, huh? Girl, you know I'm gonna call you.
- Dude, you just gonna pine away, or are you gonna make a move? - What? I don't even know her name.
- You know who does? Scrawny depp over there.
He's about one bjork reference away from strumming her flying "v.
" - Yeah, but, I mean, i can't, you know? Like, Dane's, like, a total badass.
- Badasses don't manscape.
- [Sighs] - Dude.
Whoa, man.
You're, like, really hung up on this girl, huh? - She's just so sweet.
She has this little tattoo of badtz-maru.
It's adorable.
- Oh, man.
These addies must be kicking in, because, uh, I just shed a real tear for you.
Don't worry, man.
We'll get you those digits.
- [Indistinct chatter] - Fuck me.
Lone ranger and Tonto are at it again.
- Okay, you remember sophomore year, - our o.
S.
Design final? - I remember you betrayed me.
- You refused to turn in something that wasn't flawless.
If I hadn't gone behind your back and turned it in anyways, we would've failed.
Right now, done is better than perfect.
- Well, perfect is better than shit.
- Hobbes and Mitchell will fix the build.
You just make sure we have user data for the demo.
Can you do that, for me? Pound it? Oh Right.
[Sighs] He's fine.
We're fine.
How's the build coming? - Ah, we all over it, boss.
C.
I.
D.
- We're killin' it, boss.
We're really gettin' it.
- oh, come on yeah, come on - see, people think in one of three ways-- visual, auditory, kinesthetic.
So if we can identify our users by these types, we'll increase brb's match accuracy by 66%.
- 66.
6 repeating.
But it's not terrible.
- Fewer calculation cycles, better matches.
I feel that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you just erase our beer menu? - Yeah.
- I apologize.
My friend's a piece of shit.
- What? Look.
This is exactly the kind of innovation that will set us apart from the competition, and murchison especially is gonna love this.
- Motherfucker! [Cackles] - Oh, snap.
Valet-me.
Now I hear they're getting out of the valley.
Copped some baller offices in soma.
- Jagerbombs for everybody! [All cheering] - Ugh, I can't believe we're getting lapped by David chu - and the rain-bro coalition.
- Valet-me-- I mean, you gotta admit, the name is pretty catchy.
- Yeah, so is the herp.
Well, look at the bright side.
At least our break room won't smell like natty ice anymore.
- Can't work here.
Going home.
- What's happening? - I'm going.
I'm going.
That should be us in there celebrating, not David chu.
Look, man, I know that you want it to be perfect, but if we don't capitalize soon, we're gonna end up working at your parents' bed and breakfast.
- It's a motor inn.
- Whatever.
Is that really what you want? Working the graveyard shift at the front desk with your grandma? - Fine.
I'll-- I'll go to the meeting.
- Great.
Just do me one favor.
Wear pants.
- I don't own pants.
- You--okay.
[Rock music] - [Groaning] - Ah, dude! - Cripes.
- See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
We're surrounded by people desperate to interact.
Everyone's staring at screens.
- Dude, have you played tiny wings? It's heat waves, baby.
- Listen, handsome robot man.
Maybe people are staring at screens 'cause the last thing they wanna do is interact.
Like, look at her, for example.
Does she look desperate to interact? - I think you're wrong.
- I think you're wrong.
- I think you've made a grave mistake growing a beard.
Blisters, right? My Louboutins do the same thing.
- It's pronounced "loo-boo-ta," and I would not pay $800 for a pair of shoes.
- Do you know that 70% of women won't correct a stranger's pronunciation? And those who do tend to be in managerial or supervisory positions.
- No offense, but I'm sort of dealing with something here.
- Sure.
All right.
Forgive me for trying to start a conversation in a popular social venue.
- Wow.
Thank you for the shot of judgment with the condescension chaser.
I thought putting my bag on the stool would be a pretty clear sign I'm not looking to get hit on by every aspie in the joint.
Oh, but that's the thing about you guys, isn't it? You're not exactly aces when it comes to reading people.
- Burn! - Bad job.
- Burn! - Bad job, not good.
- She's a fuckin' outlier.
Let's hit the food trucks.
- Burger for breakfast.
- Burger for lunch.
Burger for dinner.
- Lunch, dinner.
- Then a healthy snack.
Look alive, man.
- What? - Your future ex is here.
- Oh, my god.
Dude, stop.
- What's crackin', chin curtains? - I was just telling mikki that I'm spinning at the cellar on Friday.
You guys should come check out my set.
It's gonna be sick.
- Cool.
I'll never be drunk enough to do that.
Hi, Hobbes.
- Hi.
- You're mikki? - Yeah.
- What's up? This is my friend Mitchell, king of the ones and twos, master of the turntables.
You guys are both chill.
You should hang.
- Hi.
Hey.
Hello.
- Hi.
- It's nice to finally meet you.
Been watching you across the office for a couple weeks now.
No, totally not in a creepy way, not like that at all, but, um-- you--you do smell very pretty.
- What kind of stuff you spin, bro? Some sweetness? - All of the kinds.
UhYou know, just--just mad-- mad, crazy beats.
Uh, like, uh [Imitating dubstep music] - Fuck, man, shit.
- Oh! - Oh, god.
Aah! What a mistake.
- Careful, man.
- Let's get you cleaned up, man.
There's a sink at the bar.
- Oh, man, this shirt's hand-painted, bro.
- Yeah, well, does it come in a v-neck? 'Cause it's a cool shirt.
- Some dope beatboxing.
You classically trained? - Ha.
- Ha.
- Classically trained? - Yeah.
- Totally.
It's cool.
[Deep breath] - You know, sorry's not even the word.
- Yeah.
Way to go, dickbeard.
- Like, super apologize, man.
- You are a pile.
Jesus.
- [Scoffs] Hola, jefe.
Que Paso? - Common men's room decorum calls for a two-foot gap between users and no eye contact.
- So about this meeting tomorrow, you got it, right? You--you feel ready? - Yeah.
- 'Cause, you know, I'm 35.
It's, like, 95 in valley years.
I can't really take another failed start-up.
- We're not gonna fail.
- Good! 'Cause, you know, I feel like you're on to something here.
And, uh, it's really great, you know? I think it could go far.
But I'm still on probation from hacking shitty-bank.
And if brb fails, they're gonna take me out back and old yeller my ass.
[Imitates gunshot] Blow my head off in the yard like a dog, you know? So I just really need you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you got this.
- Hobbes I got this.
- Whoa.
- How was that? - Chills.
[Laughing] Good job.
- Thanks.
- I'm gonna take a shit.
- Great.
[King of the village fete by Lazarus and the plane crash] - ring a bell ring a bell six-foot-four with my feet on the floor what's the mayor's wife a-waitin' for? I'm the king of the village fete [harmonica solo] look what's - Okay, I feel like my calves are suffocating.
- They're not suffocating, okay? - Wait, wh-wh-what is-- - they're definitely not.
- Why you stopping right-- - what do you mean? - Don't stop, don't stop.
N-n-n-no, no-- - okay, it's fine, just relax.
- I don't know what you're doing.
- What? Thank you.
- What is this? What's going on? - Well, looks like the murch is having a few people over.
- You told me we were going to a meeting.
This is--this is why you made me wear pants? You lied to me.
- No, no.
I managed expectations.
If I told you we were going to a party, you'd be in the fetal position humming sussudio.
Now just stay close and don't say anything.
- What? Why? - Shut up, shut up.
Good evening.
Larry page, shamit ramdi.
My assistant probably called to let you know we were coming.
- Have a good time.
- Thanks.
Come on.
- Huh? [Upbeat music playing] - What was that? We weren't invited? - Look, "all war is based on deception.
" Sun tzu.
Also, 50 cent tweeted that.
- Oh, can't.
Don't belong here.
- Nash, buddy, pronouns.
We're gonna be fine.
Okay, that's Chris mclaren, designer of the chicken assassin games.
Escapist bullshit, but the company's valued at 600 million.
We'll do better.
Felix abasi--big time v.
C.
Invested in instagram and about a billion others.
[Rock music] and that is George murchison.
Don't let the flute and sandals act fool you.
The guy's got a mind like a-- - Moby.
- What? Like-- - bald man is Moby.
[cheers and applause] - [Chuckles] Thank you, Moby.
Thank you so much.
- Okay.
We got this.
Uh, Mr.
murchison.
Trey Barrett.
This is my partner avinash dagavi.
We actually met at social fresh last year.
- Ah, yes, Barrett, got your emails, all 20 of them.
- Yeah, if we could just get five minutes of your time, we're working on something i think you're gonna-- - got a party to host, kid.
You wanna talk shop? Call my office Monday morning, set something up.
- I wonder how 50 cent would assess that effort.
Bad, he would assess it bad.
- Yeah, I get it.
- It was not good.
- I ge-- [Sighs] - Have you seen these robotic vaginas? Well, you will in three to five business days, 'cause I ordered one.
- Man, I totally blew it with mikki.
- Let me tell you something about ladies, Mitch.
They reward persistence.
Think of mikki as a frostbitten limb.
Cold and incapable of feeling, but if you get in there and you really rub, you'll get down to the pink.
To wit--Dane's phone.
- What? - Yeah.
- Where did you get that? - I boosted it.
So now I send you mikki's digits.
And then we change her number in Dane's phone to mine, so that when i ping Dane-- - he'll think it's coming from mikki.
- Exactly.
- Nice.
But if have her number, then shouldn't I just call her or text her? - Dude, love is a jungle, okay? The only way a guy like you is gonna get a girl like mikki is by taking out the Alpha.
Let's humble this motherfucker.
- He had a hat! [Laughter] - We're like wallpaper in here.
We need to find a way in, a weakness.
- Perhaps you should dye your hair blond and show some cleavage.
- Was that sarcasm? You're a lot funnier in pants.
[Muttering] Okay, I'm going.
[Soft music] - did you ever fuck an octopus? I fucked an octopus.
That's why I'm a vegan now.
- Me too.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I just said that.
- Ah, the rain man cometh.
You don't have a real one, do you? Technology has its limits.
- Sorry, no.
I-i bite my nails when I'm stressed, so-- i-i didn't catch your name last night.
Trey Barrett.
- Who says I'm stressed? - I didn't mean to imply that you were.
I just thought because of the smoking and-- - relax.
I'm messing with you.
So what are you doing here? - I just came over to apologize.
I wasn't hitting on you in the bar.
I mean, you're not even my type, to be perfectly honest.
I-i prefer tall women with blonde hair and a dancer's build.
A little extra in the trunk is kind of nice, but it's not necessary.
But a far less conservative fashion sense than this.
But this is nice, in a classic sort of of a way.
- You have a talent for flattery.
Do 70% of women slap you in the face during conversation? - Ah, that's-- you're making fun of me.
Fair.
- You are an easy target.
- My point is that i was conducting research when I approached you.
And while I can see how you'd misinterpret my intentions, they had nothing to do with sexual desire.
- Well, thank god for that.
- Yeah, I'm developing this app that helps like-minded people actually socialize in the real world.
I'm here to pitch it to George murchison.
- You're gonna engineer peoples' social lives? Wow, that sounds promising.
- It is promising.
I--i promise.
- Randall! - Oh, David.
Hi, I'll be right there.
Well, Trey, it's been strange.
- You're with David chu? - "With" with? No.
Murchison capital led his seed round.
And as murch's senior associate, it's my job to make sure he doesn't invest in anything shitty.
David, hello! - Mm, coffee.
- What are you doing? - Huh? What-- mm.
Nothing.
Just, um, hanging out.
- 'Cause it looked like you put a phone in Dane's bag.
Which is weird, 'cause he's been looking for his phone all day.
- [Sighs] Oh, fudge.
Hobbes took it to get me your number, because you and Dane grinded phones earlier.
And then we changed your number, so we could text Dane, but pretend we were you and-- - cool.
I want in.
I'm sorry.
What? - If you're fucking with Dane, i want in.
I'm bored, plus he's a tool.
- Oh.
Um, I thought you guys were-- - no.
He said he could get some ecstasy, and I need some for burning man.
My connect went back to grad school, so-- - that's a bum out.
- I know.
- Yeah, it sucks.
- Yeah.
- I took half a bottle of ritalin once and played crysis 3 for, like, 15 hours straight.
- Yeah.
- Team deathmatch-- hashtag intense.
- Don't say that out loud.
- Fair.
Yeah, noted.
- This fish was caught less than 20 hours ago off the coast of loch etive.
They call it the Ferrari of trout.
Anyone dips this in soy sauce, get my maguro bocho up their ass.
[Laughter] - Mr.
murchison, I'm sorry to interrupt, but-- - I thought I told you to fuck off.
- Actually, you told me to call your office next week.
- Same thing.
This isn't the time or the place.
- The only wrong place is second place.
You said that.
- You think kissing my ass is gonna win you an audience? - Sorry, George.
If you'd like, I can show Mr.
Barrett out.
- Then he'd be missing an opportunity-- something he's been doing a lot lately, come to think of it.
Snapseed, foursquare, pinterest, mint-- you passed on every single one, so maybe I misheard you.
Maybe you're okay with second place.
- Five minutes.
- Most social networking tools connect us with people we already know.
Brb is different.
Our app introduces you to the people you should know.
When Facebook launched, kids used it to check each other out before a campus kegger.
And now it's just-- it's just clogged with baby pictures and fan pages for Katy Perry's rack.
I mean, I'm a fan, but it's still just another screen to stare at.
- But screens are how we make money.
What are you selling? - Nash, show the man how it works.
- [Sighs] [Beep] - This is George murchison, brb user, home alone on a Friday night.
Now, maybe he wants to see a movie or set a tennis date.
Brb can do that, absolutely.
But I'm guessing he's interested in something else.
[Beep] See, brb knows where we you are.
But even better, it knows what you like.
Local matches are sorted by hundreds of invisible factors to guarantee compatibility.
Those blondes you were talking to earlier-- heh, not your type.
- Where did you get his info? - He's hacking into Facebook servers.
- And foursquare.
But it's just a demo.
- Who's the chick at the top there? [Beep] - Debbie, someone at the party you overlooked while you were out hobnobbing with those blondes.
And, according to our app, a 92% match for you.
Our data says she's into Sushi, jam bands, and kinbaku.
- Kinbaku? - Japanese rope bondage, very hot.
[Bubbling] [Phone chimes] - Ooh, girl, that is filthy.
- Yo.
No, it's cool.
Don't worry about it.
Told her, she wants in.
And Dane's a drug dealer.
- Oh.
Maybe i underestimated him.
- No, he's just a middleman.
Has Dane said anything i can use to get off? - Well, I'm six texts in.
I'm trying to score a dick pic in 12 moves.
- Yeah, I would never say "damp.
" It makes my vag sound like the dagobah system.
- Listen, I have a lot of experience in this field.
- Impersonating asians? Give me this.
Move over.
- Okay.
- All right.
Bet you 20 bucks he waxes his balls.
- Make it 15, you've got yourself a sucker.
- I tried nair on mine once, burned so bad.
- Lisa, what do you think? - It's a stalker's wet dream.
- She's right.
You can't demo this around town.
Zuckerberg'll turn your nutsack into a dream catcher, hang it from your jail cell.
If you want my advice, make something practical.
- Like valet-me.
- A parking app? Think.
It's only useful until it becomes popular.
More users means fewer free spots, more competition-- it'll cannibalize itself! I'm offering you a product with infinite scalability.
The whole world wants brb, they just don't know it yet.
[Closes case] [Brass band playing] - Jolly well parked, sir.
[Rattles] - Fuck it.
We'll find someone else.
- I told you we weren't ready.
- Our algorithm can't be denied.
Any idiot can see its value.
- Just listen to yourself.
Or are you even capable of listening? You just--you push and push and push, and you expect the impossible from me, and it's still not enough! - Well, at least I try.
- Yeah.
- You know, at least i put it out there for people to say no to.
You'd rather sit alone in your little cocoon and pretend the world doesn't exist.
I thought we were in this together.
- So did I.
I need my keys! [Phone chimes] [All exclaim] - Oh, man.
The eagle's junk has landed.
- Oh, my god.
He hipstamatic'd his dong.
- Why's he holding it next to the keyboard like that? - To show scale, obvi.
- Yeah, but from base to tip, it's only "v" to backslash, full chub too.
[Phone chimes] [All exclaim] - Two! Two! - Jeez.
- Oh, man.
- This is--come on.
- He's got pretty good form with these.
- He's got a beautiful penis.
- I hate to admit it.
[Roll the dice by koufax] - oh, the bill of rights those days were nice now two and two oh, it equals five [phone ringing] do you understand why the sharks and schools are keeping tabs and their eyes on you but I wanna roll the dice I wanna roll the dice leave my job and quit my wife tonight [beep] troubled times they're not hard to find Jean-Paul was right with his take on life do you understand why a thinking man chose to pass on the nobel prize I wanna roll the dice I wanna roll the dice leave my job and quit my wife oh, yeah, I wanna Watch all episodes of Alpha house, - starring John Goodman.
- Oh, that's be great.
Exclusively on Amazon prime instant video.
Amazing.