Betas (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

Lowdown

1 MITCHELL: Dude, Hobbes is famous.
"Fame is a fickle food.
" Emily Dickinson said that.
(scoffs) Trevor, I'm gonna throw away that quote of the day calendar.
I'm a broken man, I'm damaged goods Lock me in the basement with furnace soot How bad is it? Watch and burn.
JORDAN: With us today is founder Olivia Catlin, whose "ladies only" app, Damsel, is scorching hot.
Damsel.
The app where women rate their ex-boyfriends? Yeah, chicks are way obsessed with it.
We wanted to create a space where women feel safe to express their opinions.
I love it.
It's like Yelp, but instead of rating dive bars, you're rating dudes.
Does she actually mention us, or do you just have a thing for the founder? She's hot, but no, just keep watching.
And women are really responding.
You've already reached the coveted million download mark.
It's no secret that social has a bit of a "woman problem.
" I think Damsel is connecting with an audience that's been under-served.
Oh, you mean like all those tone-deaf hook-up apps flooding the Valley-- things like BANG WITH FRIENDS or the more recently-launched BRB-- apps created by men who have no idea how women actually think.
No idea how women that's bullshit.
Actually, I've been mining user data and we're losing females left and right.
Yeah, our ratio is way skewed.
It's like 80-20 dudes-to-chicks.
Total gangbang.
And the people who do use it are only looking for hook-ups.
So we get more women to sign up.
Tweak the interface, emphasize our social features.
Once we show people that BRB offers more than just -Stalking? -dating we can optimize the experience.
A million users What else do we know about Damsel? (video game beeps and blips) Yo! Check it.
Did a little recon on those Russian dudes.
The blonde one has a PhD in robotics.
-They're all blonde.
-Uh, poofy hair.
Oh, yeah, the head goon from "Die Hard"? Yeah, he's probably doing some kind of cyber soldier thing.
Pig.
Excuse me.
Just one second here.
Hey.
Web brigade.
Listen up.
It's that guy.
Am I a misogynist? No.
Is that a real cat? Yes.
Can you pet it? No.
Any questions? Hey, you wanna punch my tit? You want to partner with Damsel? Their founder said that we were the problem with social.
We need to focus on the parts of the app that are working, not some wild goose chase.
Those were Jordan's words, not Olivia's.
And what are you saying? You want to scrap everything we've been working for and embrace being a hook-up app? What I want is a successful business.
Okay, you need to listen to the data.
How can we trust the data if our user ratio is fucked? We haven't even given this thing a chance.
I'm not gonna toss everything aside because you're afraid of failure.
Just focus on the code and let me take care of the business.
-(Hobbes shouting) -Guys, we got a situation out here.
Come on, dork.
What are you, a mathlete? -What are you doing? -You wanna punch me? Come on! Punch me in the moobs! Punch the patriarch.
-(onlookers gasping) -Ow! (sighs) C'mon, Trey, man, this meme thing is a joke, right? You were there! I know, the circumstances were extreme.
But things are a little sensitive right now.
We can't have BRB associated with "Crazy Misogynist Guy.
" What are you saying? We need to put you on ice for awhile.
Sorry, was that insensitive? I forgot he found his cat in a freezer.
Wow.
I never thought my own team would turn on me.
Dude, it's not like that at all.
It's not permanent.
It's just 'til this blows over.
I don't have anywhere to go.
We know.
Nash told us.
You're homeless.
It happens.
I'm not homeless.
I'm couchhacking.
-Bro-bro, you're homeless.
-Yes.
That's not a thing, couchhacking.
All right.
Living the dream now, baby.
Workin' from home.
This isn't telecommuting, Mitch.
This is exile.
I'm fuckin' Trotsky.
You know, when Trotsky was in exile, he had an affair with Frida Kahlo.
Great.
I can't wait to fuck a woman with a unibrow and monkeys hanging off her tits.
Am I allowed to say that anymore? "Tits"? Or will I be executed on the spot? Dude, you are not in exile.
Whatever.
(sniffs) Trey'll probably send you here tomorrow with an axe to finish the job.
I would never axe you, man.
Never.
I think that cat is dead.
Trey! My long-lost pal.
You don't text, you don't Tweet Okay.
Are we friends? Because every time I turn around, you're slinging shit at my business.
Aww.
Are you still pissy about my post over the macho Greek? I'm the one who had to sleep with him.
People do actually listen to the things you say.
Or does that even occur to you? Only every waking moment.
Oh, hey, Jordan, did you get a chance to verify Antoine.
What the shit? I'm obviously in a meeting.
Go be worthless somewhere else.
Ugh.
Tell me you came to rescue me from this place.
Because I have some ideas: bar, park, bar ooh, 3:00 showing of that shitty Jen Aniston pic 'cause I'm a sucker for romance.
I was hoping you could introduce me to Olivia Catlin, actually.
She's not responding to my emails.
I could.
In fact, she'll be at the She Plus Plus mixer on Thursday night.
Seriously? That would be huge.
I said I could.
The question is: why would I? There is a new start-up at Velocity, very hush-hush.
Possibly Estonian.
Any idea what they're working on? An Ikea table? C'mon.
You give me the scoop, I'll put you in touch with the Big "O.
" I don't know anything.
Then you're no good to me, Barrett.
Fuck it.
I'll find another way.
So we're not going to the park? -(phone beeps) -Yo.
Olivia Catlin's gonna be at the She Plus Plus fundraiser Thursday night.
Can you get us on the list? How? You think they just invite anyone with a vag and a Smartphone? No, I think you'll find a way to convince them because you're just that good.
(sighs) Listen, flattery will get you nowhere.
Formal wear, on the other hand Fine.
Put it on my tab.
Gravy.
We talking Givenchy or Forever Twenty One? -Bye, Mikki.
-Bye.
Guess, who slot ey bras, hey kitten, ey crump 'Fore they say my name I'm dangerous (what) Newest dudes in the game who is you? HOBBES: When my hand opens, the shit has left my body.
(grunts) The mere sight of his hand inflames my IBS.
Yeah, classic Pavlovian response.
Dude, we haven't played PS 3 in 48 hours because your disgusting friend has been watching -"Hoarders" marathons nonstop.
-(toilet flushes) And he's been feeding Chance turkey jerky.
-He has high blood pressure.
-All right, I hear you.
Hook up the PS 3 in my room.
Trev, we'll take the little guy to the vet, get him some Levatol.
It'll be fine.
You guys, this is just like a temporary situation, all right? (knock at door, gruff yelling) (doorbell ringing, guys talking indistinctly) My assassin has arrived.
How does this work? Do you provide the blindfold or what? Saw you on the web, man, I had to hit you up.
This is my boy Riff Raff.
Huge fan of your titty work.
Ha-punch, ha-cha.
That's the, uh, Misogynistic -That's the guy, man! -He's a good guy.
Congratulations on your terrible taste.
Please leave.
No, no, no, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, wait, dude.
No, no.
Are you crying, man? This woman in Des Moines's drowning in her doll collection.
Her husband can't even sleep in the house anymore.
-It's just crazy.
-Oh, man, I seen that episode.
It was an ill episode, man.
Mentally and literally.
Poet, man.
He's good.
Huge "Hoarders" fan.
We're coming in.
-No ifs ands, bitch.
-Pretty much coming in, man.
(sighs) I want to say you look great, but I'm afraid of what it cost me.
Yeah, be more afraid of what I'm gonna spend at the bar.
TREY: One drink, and then we'll split up and see if we can find Olivia.
MIKKI: Don't worry, I never miss a hot piece.
Barrett! I see you found another woman to do your bidding.
Not bad for a back-up.
Thanks.
And you hide the psycho pretty well.
We were exchanging compliments, right? (forced laughter) Can I borrow your man for a minute? Shop talk.
Guard your dick, yo.
So, I'm glad you finally decided to reach out.
So how's life? How are things with, uh, uh, what's her name? Is it Divya? Oh, uh, we, uh it it didn't work out.
But, you know Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
She seemed fun.
(laughs) Plenty of great single people in this city, though.
If you can tear yourself away from work.
Speaking of, how are things over at BRB? It's been (sighs) challenging.
We, uh, we had a few unexpected glitches at first.
So I heard, huh.
Jordan Alexis seems to have a bug up her arse about you guys.
I think Trey offended her, you know.
He, uh, has a way of doing that.
Yeah, he's always been a headstrong fella, that one.
You either love him or hate him, right? You know, I still think he's pissed at me for, uh, hooking up with Ellen Wagner.
Even though we all know girls aren't really my thing.
You know, we don't have to talk about BRB if it's, you know, if it's upsetting.
No.
No, it's no, it's not.
I just, um, I just Trey never compromises.
He has this vision in his head and he won't change even when the data says that we should.
And he never listens to me even though we're equal partners.
I'm sorry.
This isn't your problem.
Hey, just because I'm not your T.
A.
anymore doesn't mean you can't come to me for advice.
All right? I'm here for you.
(laughs) Well, that sounds amazing, Shelly.
I'll catch ya later.
Twat.
-God, I hate these things.
-Tech mixers? Yeah, but especially these "lady power" ones.
Lifelong aversion.
I was kicked out of Pioneer Girls.
Off-brand Girl Scouts.
Yeah.
My mom wouldn't let me join Scouts.
Said it was an organization "expressly designed to suppress independent thinking.
" Hm.
Sounds like a real sweetheart.
Huh.
Isn't that Olivia? Like you don't know.
I'll introduce you, but only 'cause you look so sad in your little suit.
Yo! Catlin! Hey.
(whispers): I'll be right back.
Hey, Jordan.
Cute dress.
Oh, thanks.
I found it in some dude's closet.
I'd like you to meet Trey Barrett, co-founder of BRB.
He's been on my ass for an intro.
Olivia Catlin.
Kent State '07.
Interned at Google.
Recently started a regular "crafternoon" for female founders in Bernal Heights.
All true, but you forgot about my crippling addiction to Bagel Bites.
I was getting there.
You Tweeted about it a few weeks ago.
I saw you on Jordan's show, talking about social's "woman problem.
" And I couldn't agree more.
We're very concerned about that at BRB.
I bet you are.
But you know, that was more of a Jordan theory.
We launched a month ago, so admittedly, we're new on the scene.
But we're showing significant growth among young males.
-Pause.
(laughs) -Let him speak.
Well I-- I'd like to make BRB more appealing to women.
Our goal is to be inclusive, provide something beyond a "hook-up" app.
Well, I've heard this speech before and my glass is dry.
So I'll leave you guys to it.
She's a charmer, isn't she? Yeah.
She doesn't like me very much.
Are you kidding? Riff's hoping you can make some cameo magic with the rope-a-dope in his next video.
A little punch the titties left, right.
Ding, ding, ding.
I don't think I'm really doing -public appearances right now.
-Black titties, white titties, animated titties.
Tig old Bitties.
Come on, man.
Bust a verse on that shit.
Oh, uh, oh, chenille pants stripe like Cincinnati Bengals Diamonds floating around like Criss Angel - Used to drive the Jag -Ha! Punching your grandma's titties like a speed bag Ding, ding, ding But, you know that's off the dome.
So, you know, writing is rewriting, so Riff Raff is in our house.
Dammit, Trevor.
Don't say house, it's "crib.
" Have you seen a fucking John Singleton film? (sighs) This is unreal.
Uh, Mitch, what are we supposed to do? I could make guacamole.
Come on, man.
You don't offer a criminal in the Neon Iconic chip and dip spread.
We gotta get him outta here.
Nobody wants to see "Crazy Misogynist Guy," okay? Even in a rap video, home of all things crazy misogynist.
What the fuck is this "Hobbes, Interrupted" shit? Dude, you're a celebrity.
Look, by the end of the night, I'll have bitches lining up just to rub them thangs on your fists.
Like in a loving way? Mad loving, man! Let me check my bitch sitch and get the pawty started.
All right, get some hos in here.
Let's figure it out.
You have to learn to stand up for yourself, mate.
You can't take the backseat in your own life story.
I don't think that's what I'm doing.
That story about your parents, and this thing with Trey? It sounds like a lot of people have opinions about how to live your life.
(sighs) How do I move up? Just grab the fuckin' wheel, mate! You make it sound so easy.
All right, one step at a time.
For Demo Day, you need numbers, hmm? Once you raise a round, you'll have time to figure out your next move.
Well, Trey's talking to Damsel about a partnership.
You know, maybe he's right.
Maybe, but if that doesn't work out, Star Room has a customer base of five million users.
I'd be happy to include a link to BRB in our next email blast.
Even at a one percent click-through rate, that's gonna be at least 50,000 new users.
You would do that? Of course.
My customers are gonna love your product.
Social and fashion have a ton of overlap.
I believe in your talent.
So I have a proposal for you.
Is it indecent? I'd like you to link BRB to Damsel so we can reach more female users.
Women respect you; your endorsement would mean a lot.
Wow.
That's very forward.
What would I get out of it, exactly? We'd be willing to offer you some of our back-end tech.
Damsel doesn't offer much beyond ratings.
Your users will get bored and move on.
You mean like messaging and GPS? -Yeah, exactly.
-Damsel had all that.
Users weren't interested.
They wanted to rate their exes and gossip about boys.
I'm sure BRB can offer you something.
I mean have you thought about You're not listening, which is ironic, because I was just telling an anecdote about listening.
You keep saying that you're different, but I've been talking to you for ten minutes now and I have to say, I don't see it.
-Well, what does that mean? -It means you're exactly like those "hook-up apps" you keep railing against.
You use facts and figures to suggest we're a match, then try to unsnap my bra and propose a merger within five minutes of meeting.
And I don't even know you.
Okay.
Look, I didn't mean to offend you.
Oh, I'm not offended.
That's the other thing.
We "ladies" don't mind hooking up, when we're in the mood.
If you want to build something lasting, something real-- that takes time.
(sighs) (hip-hop plays, indistinct conversations) So what's next for the CMG? Diversify.
You know, the energy drink market's still got legs, and no one's ever done a two-pack.
I wanna do a two-pack, call it "Canz" but it's in bottles.
Mmm.
I'd let you drink my Canz.
-Oh, would you? -I love energy.
(laugh) I love you all.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Guys, I'm so sorry about this.
I I'll pay extra rent or something.
Are you kidding me, Mitch? This is the best thing that's ever happened to any of us.
And that includes the time that Trevor faked fibromyalgia to get a weed card.
We should probably call the cops, right? This is insane.
We gotta call the cops.
Call the cops on our own party? At our own crib? Get serious, Mitch.
It's just I've never seen Hobbes like this.
He's smiling but his eyes are dead.
Hey, buddy.
How you feeling? What's up, bitch? How you doin', man? Hobbes 2.
0 is feeling pretty fucking good, dude.
Let me ask you something.
Who's got more longevity: me or fucking Ridiculously Photogenic Guy? 'Cause, uh, I like to think I'm a little bit more than just a pretty face, you know what I'm saying? That's it! That's my next installation, man: a series of meme portraits, dude.
Moody.
Raw.
I'm talkin' Tay Zonday, in a motherfucking chocolate rain forest just shivering naked.
Dude, just riff.
Go, go, go.
Yes.
Yes.
Uh David After Dentist, alone in the backseat.
How about me with Dolly Parton, but I have tiny little baby hands? Fucking gold, bro.
Serious.
(laughs) From the lady.
(elegant piano music plays) So what'd I miss? Are you two "Besties" now? We're at least "Acquaintancies.
" (laughs) You know you're on her little app, right? And the reviews for Mr.
Trey Barrett are lukewarm.
Must be a jilted ex, huh? Well, let's see Hash tag Chicken Legs.
Have to disagree there.
Hash tag Mommy Issues.
Mm, is that 'cause she wouldn't let you join Boy Scouts or is it some weird sex shit? I think that's my cue.
Trey, nice to meet you.
Keep in touch.
Does that mean you'll return my emails now? (laughs) Jordan, always an adventure.
Overall score Five-point-five! God, you must've bored someone to death.
Well, I've heard worse.
From you, actually.
I mean, if you were a two-- a two makes a girl feel something.
But a five-point-five? (snorts) -(whistles) -Okay.
But, hey, if you're looking to bump up that average.
Uh, what are you doing? What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? Are you really this fucking dense? -Move, bitch! -(woman gasps) (phone rings) (vomits) (sighs, toilet flushes) I'm sorry you had to see that, buddy.
(sighs): Oh Antoine! Get the fuck in here! Uh, you're back early.
-Come here.
-Is something? (sighs) Come on, Ant.
You know you want it.
-What? No.
-Shut the fuck up.
Hey! Hey, what are you doing? You can't have a freaking bonfire out here.
Karmic housecleaning, lil' guy.
Look, this is Hobbes 2.
0.
He's beyond the ex-wives.
Beyond the bullshit.
-Lives in the now, man.
-Yeah, fuck Brenda.
And fuck Jon Carlo.
Fuck 'em all.
(laughs): Fuck 'em all.
Time to cauterize the wound, bro.
MAN: Burn the pussy.
Burn the pussy.
Burn the pussy.
PARTIERS: Burn the pussy! Burn the pussy! -No! No! Don't burn the pussy! -Burn the pussy! Burn the pussy! -Hobbes, that's Ray Katzweil.
-Burn the pussy! Burn the pussy! -He's your friend! -Burn the pussy! -Don't burn him.
Dude.
-Burn the pussy! -Burn the pussy! Burn the pussy! -Everyone, stop! -Ah.
-Burn the pussy! Shut the fuck up.
That's Ray Katzweil.
Don't do it! -(shouting) -Burn the pussy! Burn the pussy! No! Dude, don't (hearty cheering) NASH: Even at a one percent click-through rate, he can get us close to 50,000 new users.
Men and women.
What do you think? You went to Michael Lau? The source doesn't matter.
It's a good offer.
We could use it for Demo Day and then we can The source definitely matters.
Lau is a fraud.
He hates me and he's just trying to get his hooks in you like always.
This isn't personal, Trey.
We need numbers for Demo Day.
Two commas or no one's gonna give a shit.
You're even talking like that dickhead now? What happened to Nash? Who are you? Okay.
Guys, let's bring it down a notch.
We can talk about it tomorrow.
No.
We're talking about this now.
I can't believe you went behind my back.
What was I supposed to do? Just let you throw everything away? This is my company, too.
I told you, let me handle the business.
-You overstepped your bounds.
-My bounds? Oh, is that all I am to you? A coder you can just push around? (cell phones ringing) (hip-hop playing) (indistinct conversations) Oh, thank Yeezus you guys are here.
This is so "F"d.
Things are so "F"d right now.
Yeah, clearly.
Well, where's Hobbes? I don't know.
I keep asking them to go home, but no one's leaving.
All right, I got this.
All right, listen up, everybody.
Party is over.
That means get the fuck out.
Now.
Who's this bitch? Who's this bitch? I'm the bitch who's gonna pop you in the fucking grill if you don't move your designery beard-ass face outta the fucking way, motherfucker! No, no, no.
It's cool.
Everything's cool.
It's cool.
What the fuck are you thinking? This was supposed to be Hobbes's rebirth, man.
-It's this is -You're an idiot.
Look, no.
It wasn't supposed to go down like this, Mik.
Are you okay? (gasps) I burned my best friend.
Is it "burnt" or "burned"? Oh, I'm so fucked-up on taxidermy chemicals, man.
Wow.
-Okay.
Let's get you home.
-Oh! Yeah, I don't have a home.
What now, fearless leader? While P be smoking P's 50,000 for the re-up got to dodge the D's Damn, then I throw it in the Pyrex I wrap it up and the ain't even dry yet And if I don't get rich off these rap deals Guaranteed I will off these sales Hit the block, cop a phone, throw some feens on it Get some work, cook it good, have them feens coming Stack it all a whip, get a chick driving Tell her open up her mouth and let the slide in Count the re, stash the rest, now the chips locked in And even though your money stacking, no shopping Keep it sane, your money ain't afraid of heights And when you see see Papi, make sure your paper right Watch all episodes of Alpha House, - starring John Goodman.
- Oh, that'd be great.
Exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video.
Amazing.