Better Off Ted (2009) s01e06 Episode Script
Goodbye Mr. Chips
Sometimes big companies make big mistakes- like yesterday's, which caused a million fish in Lake Michigan to grow fur.
Luckily, today's mistake is a little one.
Hey! Someone pried a window open on the 20th floor.
Wanna go scare the crap out of floors 1 through 19? First of all, be careful with the dummy.
He's scheduled to get hit by a train at 4:30.
Secondly, uh, I have to go to Human Resources.
They made a mistake on my new I.
D.
badge.
Oh, "Ted Chips.
'" That's funny.
Although not as funny as your real name.
Ted Crisp? That's not funny.
It's not " make people think someone jumped off the roof" funny.
But it's still pretty funny.
And don't bother with H.
R.
I can fix any I.
D.
with a razor blade and some Wite-Out.
Trust me.
I've been 21 since I was 15.
Thanks anyway.
I think I'll just let H.
R.
handle it.
Play by the rules.
You love rules.
You should marry a rule.
And have little rule children.
Then build a house made of rules.
You mean a house made of my own children? Well, that's between you and your conscience.
All right.
Let's call up your file and see what the problem is, Mr.
Chips.
Uh, it's Crisp-Ted Crisp.
No.
It says "Chips.
" Ted Chips.
I know, but that's not my name.
Don't take this wrong, but are you sure? Because it is very unlikely the system would make a mistake like that.
I think I know my last name.
It's the one thing my father and I agree on.
Let's see if this helps.
No.
It did not help at all.
This is a first.
The system just deleted you.
What do you mean, deleted me? C- Can you re-lete me? No.
There's no record of you anywhere.
- So what happens now? - Don't worry.
I'll just report it to I.
T.
Ooh.
That's gonna be some paperwork.
- Hey, Teddy, how's it goin'? - Good, Ryan.
How are you? Eh, my wife's knee is giving her problems again.
- Damn it.
- I know.
I told her, "You weigh 400 pounds.
The human knee is not designed for that.
" That's great advice.
Listen, my badge is giving me a little problem.
- Can I borrow yours to get in the lab? - No can do, Ted because that would be crossing the system, and I never cross the system.
Which isn't hard because frankly, it is a great system.
My problem was growing as big as Ryan's wife.
Now neither of us could get through a door.
And so my team was gonna have to go on without me.
This jet pack project is gonna be so exciting.
Jet packs are the ultimate dream of every scientist.
Skies teeming with ordinary citizens strapped to rockets.
Flying through the air at 60 miles an hour in any direction.
A lot of people are going to die.
Where's Ted? It's not like him to be late to a meeting.
- I'm sure he'll be here soon.
- Maybe he's dead.
He's not dead, Patricia.
You think everyone's dead.
People die, Linda.
Ask my dead neighbor.
He could be at the vending machine.
Perhaps that new yogurt caught his eye.
He doesn't eat yogurt.
He's Ted.
He's more likely out hitting a home run or foiling a robbery or- Stop it! We're scientists, not people who can examine every variable of a phenomenon to determine an accurate understanding of a specific event.
Ted's late.
We can't know why any more than we can unlock the secrets of the universe.
See how order breaks down without Ted? If only Ted were here.
He could tell us what to do without him.
I spoke to them.
They say it's just a computer glitch.
And since they back up the system every week the easiest way to get you restored is to just reboot.
- Good.
So when do they do that? - Never.
- But- - That's the easiest way.
But rebooting would shut down Veridian's entire worldwide operations and that means money, which the company never parts with unless forced to by a government stronger than they are and there's only three of those left.
This is ridiculous.
Frankly, I don't like not existing.
- It saddens me.
- Ted, they'll fix it.
And don't be sad.
You'll get all wrinkly.
Hello, Ted.
Veronica.
Ted, Veronica.
Ted, you missed an important meeting in the lab.
- Were you having yogurt? - Will you let that go? He doesn't eat yogurt.
Right? - Right.
- Ha.
Although that new one in the machine does look intriguing.
Look at them.
They don't know what to do with that.
Ted temporarily can't go to the lab.
Reschedule the meeting for the conference room.
All the components for the jet pack are in the lab.
Moving them is not practical.
Veronica, we have a test flight scheduled in two days.
- That means a lot of coordination- - Blah, blah, blah.
No wonder the system deleted you.
Okay, fine.
I'll take care of your precious lab.
Leave it all to me.
So, Linda, you're in charge of the lab.
I leave it all to you.
- Me? - I don't like it down there.
It's chilly, the people are odd and it smells like science.
Well, I'm not a huge fan of that place either.
Last time I was down there I got chased by some weird eight-legged bird.
The octo-chicken.
We had such hopes for that.
Anyway, if you have any problems- any at all-you come see me.
Although that would be a huge admission of failure on your part.
Sorry about that.
The online projections are important.
The charts- Hang on.
Who are you? And what are you doing in my office? I'm Jim from Marketing.
They told me this was my new office.
Veridian Dynamics.
Individuals.
We believe everyone is special, irreplaceable and will follow the thing walking in front of it.
That's why we celebrate all individuals even ones going nowhere.
Veridian Dynamics.
Because you can't spell "individual'" without "Veridian" and "U" and an "L.
'" I can't take it anymore, Janet.
First the lab.
Now my office.
I still work here.
I exist.
I know you exist.
The computer's the one you have to convince.
Well, can't you just add me back into the system? Do you have a 457 code? I might.
Why, yes, I do.
Only new hires are assigned 457 codes and only people with 457 codes can be entered into the system.
Okay.
What if I reapply for the position? You know, I fill out an application for a job that I already have.
Finally you say something that makes sense.
While I was figuring out how to get back in the system- Linda was figuring out how to be in charge.
Okay.
Okay, everybody be quiet.
Now let's start again, and say it in layman's terms.
Okay.
See if you can follow this.
Lem is an idiot.
- Oh- - Well, see if you can follow this.
- That hurt my feelings.
- Snap.
And why do you get to be in charge anyway? As I recall, you were the only one who ran from the octo-chicken.
Well, it freaked me out when it came down from its web.
You're weak and have no leadership qualities.
I can lead.
Maybe you're just a crappy follower.
Did you ever think of that? Can we please get back to the jet pack? Because it has to fly in 24 hours.
And since I'm the one going up in it, it'd be nice if the hydrogen-to-oxygen ratio was below the burn flash point.
I miss Ted.
How do you know if two people have chemistry? How do you manage all those scientists with their egos and bickering and full-frontal nerdity? Just listen to everyone carefully, make them feel heard study the issues and make firm decisions.
Could you give that to me in layman's terms? All right, look.
They're like animals.
They respond more to tone than actual words.
Oh, they also like treats, which is why I keep caramels in my pocket.
I can't believe the company is treating you like this.
Doesn't it make you wanna scream or put your fist through a wall or rub your junk on the C.
E.
O.
's chair? Yes, yes and I only use my junk for good, not evil.
With great junk comes great responsibility.
You filed a job application? I needed a 457 code to get back in the system.
Well, that triggered a 229 protocol which means I now have to give you a job interview - Theodore Margaret Crisp.
- Job interview? And it's pronounced- "Margaret.
" It's a family name.
It means "Lamb of God.
" I don't care.
Now, let's begin the charade.
Or as "Margaret" would say, "char-ahd.
" So why should we hire you over any of the other qualified applicants? - Other applicants? - Yes, Margaret.
Your filing this application caused the system to think a position was open.
Can't you just hire me without doing all this? Sorry.
That would be breaking the rules.
But it's me and you.
Look, it's only a formality, Ted.
You're going to get your job back.
The process is just going to be long and extraordinarily humiliating.
You know, I'd like to believe, after everything I've done for this company over the years they'd show me a little more loyalty than this.
I know it's hard to accept that giant companies don't care about people.
I know how hard it was for me when I first realized it- when I was eight.
Well, if the company doesn't need me, then I don't need it.
So I'm goin' home.
And I may not come back.
Come on, Ted.
We'll sort it out.
In the meantime, we'll set you up with a laptop in a nice, roomy handicapped stall.
It has its own bathroom.
- Ted went home? - I heard this job interview did not go well.
- What if he never comes back? - This is real, people.
This is real.
All right, all right.
That's enough.
Listen to my tone and not my words.
We can't just stand here and let them take Ted away from us.
He is the shiniest employee we have.
Did you just say "shiniest"? Again, listen to my tone and not my words.
We have to do something.
Linda's tone is right.
We can't function without Ted.
So what do we do, interim boss? We have to work together and come up with a plan.
Um, we suck at working together.
Then let's go talk to the one person who can unsuck us.
Follow me, people.
I am showing leadership.
And I have caramels.
I'm flattered you guys are all here.
Really, I am.
But the company doesn't care about me.
This is a good learning moment for the girl.
You are born alone, and you die alone.
You're Dr.
Bamba, right? Ted, we're not here because the company needs you.
We're here because we need you.
You bring out the best in each of us.
You take a bunch of barely functional, socially awkward semi-creepy scientists- and one beautifully normal product tester- and you make us a team.
We love you, Ted.
And I like working with all of you.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Okay, Patricia consider me hugged.
Mmm.
Ted, I was thinking.
No.
I was leading, and I thought what if we crashed the mainframe? When it rebooted, he'd be back in the system, right? Yes.
Yes.
We can feed it a virus that overloads it with illogical information.
That would make it think it's malfunctioning then shut down and reboot itself.
You mean how Linda does when we explain how stuff works.
- Hey- - You guys would be willing to do that for me? - Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
You'd be risking your jobs.
Come on, Ted.
Let's break some rules.
Let's crash it up.
All right.
I'm in.
But I don't get it.
You've always said breaking the rules is wrong.
Rose is right.
We can't do it, because we should never break the rules.
She goes to bed in half an hour.
It felt good to be wanted and to be back in charge and to have Rose safely tucked in bed so she wouldn't ask questions and so we could use her toys.
So.
Patricia, you will stand by the elevator, here, to make sure nobody gets by.
I still have some excellent caution tape from when my neighbor died.
That's right, Linda.
People die.
Uh-All the security guards at Veridian, including Ryan have a full-access badge that opens every door in the building.
I'll distract Ryan while Ted gets his badge.
While Linda does that, I will run the badge down here to where Lem and Phil are waiting outside the door to the mainframe computer room.
Which one of those am I? Oh, I know.
I'm pepper- - Because I'm spicy.
- And I'm salty, like a sea captain.
- I have not yet heard the name Bamba.
- Dr.
Bamba.
- There it is.
- You are our technical expert so it is your job to disable the cameras outside the computer room.
Those cameras are complicated.
They are a high-resolution, three-chip matrix system.
This will be a challenge.
Bamba, one.
High-resolution, three-chip matrix system, zero.
- Hey, Linda.
Ted.
- Hey, Ryan.
They were supposed to bring my new badge by.
- Did it get here yet? - Nah.
Nothin's crossed my desk, Teddy.
Should be here any second.
Why don't you go ahead.
- Wish there was a badge to get into that.
- Amen.
Oh, shoot.
What's wrong, Linda? Is your card not working? No, i-it's not the card.
It's these damn breasts of mine.
Oh! I'm taking this new medication, and it's making them so big and perky.
Do they look strange to you? Don't worry about those breasts, Linda.
They're top-shelf.
- Hmm.
- You can't tell from over there.
Come closer.
Oh, my gosh.
This reminds me of this time when I was in college.
Did you disable the camera? Did you disable your stupid-question filter? I thought I did.
Oh, my gosh.
It was just so crazy.
We were all playing in the mud.
So I get into the shower, obviously totally nude.
And guess who's in there.
Who? Who? My two sorority sisters.
- Oh, my God.
There were just vaginas everywhere.
- Man, I love those.
Right? Well, I gotta go make my rounds.
- You wanna come with me? - Um, sure.
Let me just get my badge.
Hey, my badge is gone.
S- So is my underwear? Got it! Do you have your flash drive with the virus on it? - Aye.
- You're so salty.
Don't move! I caught them all trying to break in.
Security stopped us before we could crash the mainframe.
And since Veronica was our supervisor, that's who they took us to see.
None of this would have happened if it weren't for you.
Hey, my boobs worked their ass off.
No.
I mean you rallied all these people.
You got 'em out of the lab and into the sunlight and down to my house.
You stepped up.
That's what leaders do.
Well, thanks.
Turns out it's easy to lead when it's for something you care about.
I hope I made myself clear, Veronica.
Yes, sir.
I understand.
You've all disappointed me.
That's punishment enough.
I'm kidding.
Get in here.
You tried to shut the computer down by driving it crazy? Making it think it was malfunctioning is the only way to get it to reboot and put Ted back in the system- Ma'am.
I should have you all fired.
Or demoted.
Or put you in the tank with the octo-chicken.
What you did was thoughtless, reckless, unprofessional - dim-witted- Veronica yelled at us for half an hour.
- unbelievable- - Finally, she ran out of adjectives and was done.
vertical and lactose intolerant.
- Any questions? - I have one.
How did they find us so quickly? They tracked Ryan's missing badge to the basement.
They can track his badge? All our new badges can be tracked.
- That way the system always knows where we are.
- That's creepy.
If the system lived in its mother's basement it would be exactly like this guy I used to date.
- Ma'am.
- Speaking of badges, I'm gonna need all of yours.
After the jet pack test this afternoon you're all being bumped down to lower security clearances.
Don't take their badges, Veronica.
This is my fault.
That's very noble, Ted.
The company would be a much better place if someone like you were working here.
You better come back in one piece.
You're my ride home.
If I don't make it back, my mom will pick you up.
Wait! Legal says you have to wear a parachute.
Why? At the height I'm going, a parachute will be useless.
Not from a legal standpoint.
Good luck.
The truth was, Legal couldn't care less if Lem wore a parachute or not.
In fact, it wasn't even a parachute.
It turned out something had happened that convinced Veronica to also break some rules and go against the system.
- You want me to replace Ted? - No, I didn't say that.
I just want you to hire this applicant to fill Ted's position which the system says is technically vacant.
But, Chet, the interviews were just a formality.
We were always gonna hire Ted for Ted's position.
Oh, look, I love Ted.
He's one of our best people.
But this kid's fresh out of business school and comes at a fraction of the price.
If it would help you make the transition I'm sure he'd let you call him Ted.
I hope I made myself clear, Veronica.
Yes, sir.
I understand.
Veronica realized from our nearly flawless plan that overloading the system with illogical information would make it crash.
And so she spent the next several hours collecting as many other badges as she could.
Then, knowing the system would track the badges she made it think that 75 employees crammed into a knapsack and shot themselves into space.
Since this made no sense, the computer freaked out and crashed.
It was the reboot heard round the world.
The plan was a success.
Just like that, I existed again.
- Hello, Ted.
- Veronica.
So.
What changed your mind about breaking the rules? I don't know what you're talking about.
I never break the rules.
And you shouldn't either, because you couldn't pull off a caper if it was sitting on a plate of lox.
Well, thank you for not doing what you didn't do.
It's nice to have you back.
But if you hate the company so much, why'd you return? That's why.
I like cupcakes.
I don't.
Especially when they're frosted with emotion.
Welcome back.
- Thanks, guys.
- Oh, these aren't for you.
We're heading up to the 20th floor.
The window's still open.
Wanna come break some rules? Sure.
Let's go make it rain cupcakes.
English - US - SDH
Luckily, today's mistake is a little one.
Hey! Someone pried a window open on the 20th floor.
Wanna go scare the crap out of floors 1 through 19? First of all, be careful with the dummy.
He's scheduled to get hit by a train at 4:30.
Secondly, uh, I have to go to Human Resources.
They made a mistake on my new I.
D.
badge.
Oh, "Ted Chips.
'" That's funny.
Although not as funny as your real name.
Ted Crisp? That's not funny.
It's not " make people think someone jumped off the roof" funny.
But it's still pretty funny.
And don't bother with H.
R.
I can fix any I.
D.
with a razor blade and some Wite-Out.
Trust me.
I've been 21 since I was 15.
Thanks anyway.
I think I'll just let H.
R.
handle it.
Play by the rules.
You love rules.
You should marry a rule.
And have little rule children.
Then build a house made of rules.
You mean a house made of my own children? Well, that's between you and your conscience.
All right.
Let's call up your file and see what the problem is, Mr.
Chips.
Uh, it's Crisp-Ted Crisp.
No.
It says "Chips.
" Ted Chips.
I know, but that's not my name.
Don't take this wrong, but are you sure? Because it is very unlikely the system would make a mistake like that.
I think I know my last name.
It's the one thing my father and I agree on.
Let's see if this helps.
No.
It did not help at all.
This is a first.
The system just deleted you.
What do you mean, deleted me? C- Can you re-lete me? No.
There's no record of you anywhere.
- So what happens now? - Don't worry.
I'll just report it to I.
T.
Ooh.
That's gonna be some paperwork.
- Hey, Teddy, how's it goin'? - Good, Ryan.
How are you? Eh, my wife's knee is giving her problems again.
- Damn it.
- I know.
I told her, "You weigh 400 pounds.
The human knee is not designed for that.
" That's great advice.
Listen, my badge is giving me a little problem.
- Can I borrow yours to get in the lab? - No can do, Ted because that would be crossing the system, and I never cross the system.
Which isn't hard because frankly, it is a great system.
My problem was growing as big as Ryan's wife.
Now neither of us could get through a door.
And so my team was gonna have to go on without me.
This jet pack project is gonna be so exciting.
Jet packs are the ultimate dream of every scientist.
Skies teeming with ordinary citizens strapped to rockets.
Flying through the air at 60 miles an hour in any direction.
A lot of people are going to die.
Where's Ted? It's not like him to be late to a meeting.
- I'm sure he'll be here soon.
- Maybe he's dead.
He's not dead, Patricia.
You think everyone's dead.
People die, Linda.
Ask my dead neighbor.
He could be at the vending machine.
Perhaps that new yogurt caught his eye.
He doesn't eat yogurt.
He's Ted.
He's more likely out hitting a home run or foiling a robbery or- Stop it! We're scientists, not people who can examine every variable of a phenomenon to determine an accurate understanding of a specific event.
Ted's late.
We can't know why any more than we can unlock the secrets of the universe.
See how order breaks down without Ted? If only Ted were here.
He could tell us what to do without him.
I spoke to them.
They say it's just a computer glitch.
And since they back up the system every week the easiest way to get you restored is to just reboot.
- Good.
So when do they do that? - Never.
- But- - That's the easiest way.
But rebooting would shut down Veridian's entire worldwide operations and that means money, which the company never parts with unless forced to by a government stronger than they are and there's only three of those left.
This is ridiculous.
Frankly, I don't like not existing.
- It saddens me.
- Ted, they'll fix it.
And don't be sad.
You'll get all wrinkly.
Hello, Ted.
Veronica.
Ted, Veronica.
Ted, you missed an important meeting in the lab.
- Were you having yogurt? - Will you let that go? He doesn't eat yogurt.
Right? - Right.
- Ha.
Although that new one in the machine does look intriguing.
Look at them.
They don't know what to do with that.
Ted temporarily can't go to the lab.
Reschedule the meeting for the conference room.
All the components for the jet pack are in the lab.
Moving them is not practical.
Veronica, we have a test flight scheduled in two days.
- That means a lot of coordination- - Blah, blah, blah.
No wonder the system deleted you.
Okay, fine.
I'll take care of your precious lab.
Leave it all to me.
So, Linda, you're in charge of the lab.
I leave it all to you.
- Me? - I don't like it down there.
It's chilly, the people are odd and it smells like science.
Well, I'm not a huge fan of that place either.
Last time I was down there I got chased by some weird eight-legged bird.
The octo-chicken.
We had such hopes for that.
Anyway, if you have any problems- any at all-you come see me.
Although that would be a huge admission of failure on your part.
Sorry about that.
The online projections are important.
The charts- Hang on.
Who are you? And what are you doing in my office? I'm Jim from Marketing.
They told me this was my new office.
Veridian Dynamics.
Individuals.
We believe everyone is special, irreplaceable and will follow the thing walking in front of it.
That's why we celebrate all individuals even ones going nowhere.
Veridian Dynamics.
Because you can't spell "individual'" without "Veridian" and "U" and an "L.
'" I can't take it anymore, Janet.
First the lab.
Now my office.
I still work here.
I exist.
I know you exist.
The computer's the one you have to convince.
Well, can't you just add me back into the system? Do you have a 457 code? I might.
Why, yes, I do.
Only new hires are assigned 457 codes and only people with 457 codes can be entered into the system.
Okay.
What if I reapply for the position? You know, I fill out an application for a job that I already have.
Finally you say something that makes sense.
While I was figuring out how to get back in the system- Linda was figuring out how to be in charge.
Okay.
Okay, everybody be quiet.
Now let's start again, and say it in layman's terms.
Okay.
See if you can follow this.
Lem is an idiot.
- Oh- - Well, see if you can follow this.
- That hurt my feelings.
- Snap.
And why do you get to be in charge anyway? As I recall, you were the only one who ran from the octo-chicken.
Well, it freaked me out when it came down from its web.
You're weak and have no leadership qualities.
I can lead.
Maybe you're just a crappy follower.
Did you ever think of that? Can we please get back to the jet pack? Because it has to fly in 24 hours.
And since I'm the one going up in it, it'd be nice if the hydrogen-to-oxygen ratio was below the burn flash point.
I miss Ted.
How do you know if two people have chemistry? How do you manage all those scientists with their egos and bickering and full-frontal nerdity? Just listen to everyone carefully, make them feel heard study the issues and make firm decisions.
Could you give that to me in layman's terms? All right, look.
They're like animals.
They respond more to tone than actual words.
Oh, they also like treats, which is why I keep caramels in my pocket.
I can't believe the company is treating you like this.
Doesn't it make you wanna scream or put your fist through a wall or rub your junk on the C.
E.
O.
's chair? Yes, yes and I only use my junk for good, not evil.
With great junk comes great responsibility.
You filed a job application? I needed a 457 code to get back in the system.
Well, that triggered a 229 protocol which means I now have to give you a job interview - Theodore Margaret Crisp.
- Job interview? And it's pronounced- "Margaret.
" It's a family name.
It means "Lamb of God.
" I don't care.
Now, let's begin the charade.
Or as "Margaret" would say, "char-ahd.
" So why should we hire you over any of the other qualified applicants? - Other applicants? - Yes, Margaret.
Your filing this application caused the system to think a position was open.
Can't you just hire me without doing all this? Sorry.
That would be breaking the rules.
But it's me and you.
Look, it's only a formality, Ted.
You're going to get your job back.
The process is just going to be long and extraordinarily humiliating.
You know, I'd like to believe, after everything I've done for this company over the years they'd show me a little more loyalty than this.
I know it's hard to accept that giant companies don't care about people.
I know how hard it was for me when I first realized it- when I was eight.
Well, if the company doesn't need me, then I don't need it.
So I'm goin' home.
And I may not come back.
Come on, Ted.
We'll sort it out.
In the meantime, we'll set you up with a laptop in a nice, roomy handicapped stall.
It has its own bathroom.
- Ted went home? - I heard this job interview did not go well.
- What if he never comes back? - This is real, people.
This is real.
All right, all right.
That's enough.
Listen to my tone and not my words.
We can't just stand here and let them take Ted away from us.
He is the shiniest employee we have.
Did you just say "shiniest"? Again, listen to my tone and not my words.
We have to do something.
Linda's tone is right.
We can't function without Ted.
So what do we do, interim boss? We have to work together and come up with a plan.
Um, we suck at working together.
Then let's go talk to the one person who can unsuck us.
Follow me, people.
I am showing leadership.
And I have caramels.
I'm flattered you guys are all here.
Really, I am.
But the company doesn't care about me.
This is a good learning moment for the girl.
You are born alone, and you die alone.
You're Dr.
Bamba, right? Ted, we're not here because the company needs you.
We're here because we need you.
You bring out the best in each of us.
You take a bunch of barely functional, socially awkward semi-creepy scientists- and one beautifully normal product tester- and you make us a team.
We love you, Ted.
And I like working with all of you.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Okay, Patricia consider me hugged.
Mmm.
Ted, I was thinking.
No.
I was leading, and I thought what if we crashed the mainframe? When it rebooted, he'd be back in the system, right? Yes.
Yes.
We can feed it a virus that overloads it with illogical information.
That would make it think it's malfunctioning then shut down and reboot itself.
You mean how Linda does when we explain how stuff works.
- Hey- - You guys would be willing to do that for me? - Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
You'd be risking your jobs.
Come on, Ted.
Let's break some rules.
Let's crash it up.
All right.
I'm in.
But I don't get it.
You've always said breaking the rules is wrong.
Rose is right.
We can't do it, because we should never break the rules.
She goes to bed in half an hour.
It felt good to be wanted and to be back in charge and to have Rose safely tucked in bed so she wouldn't ask questions and so we could use her toys.
So.
Patricia, you will stand by the elevator, here, to make sure nobody gets by.
I still have some excellent caution tape from when my neighbor died.
That's right, Linda.
People die.
Uh-All the security guards at Veridian, including Ryan have a full-access badge that opens every door in the building.
I'll distract Ryan while Ted gets his badge.
While Linda does that, I will run the badge down here to where Lem and Phil are waiting outside the door to the mainframe computer room.
Which one of those am I? Oh, I know.
I'm pepper- - Because I'm spicy.
- And I'm salty, like a sea captain.
- I have not yet heard the name Bamba.
- Dr.
Bamba.
- There it is.
- You are our technical expert so it is your job to disable the cameras outside the computer room.
Those cameras are complicated.
They are a high-resolution, three-chip matrix system.
This will be a challenge.
Bamba, one.
High-resolution, three-chip matrix system, zero.
- Hey, Linda.
Ted.
- Hey, Ryan.
They were supposed to bring my new badge by.
- Did it get here yet? - Nah.
Nothin's crossed my desk, Teddy.
Should be here any second.
Why don't you go ahead.
- Wish there was a badge to get into that.
- Amen.
Oh, shoot.
What's wrong, Linda? Is your card not working? No, i-it's not the card.
It's these damn breasts of mine.
Oh! I'm taking this new medication, and it's making them so big and perky.
Do they look strange to you? Don't worry about those breasts, Linda.
They're top-shelf.
- Hmm.
- You can't tell from over there.
Come closer.
Oh, my gosh.
This reminds me of this time when I was in college.
Did you disable the camera? Did you disable your stupid-question filter? I thought I did.
Oh, my gosh.
It was just so crazy.
We were all playing in the mud.
So I get into the shower, obviously totally nude.
And guess who's in there.
Who? Who? My two sorority sisters.
- Oh, my God.
There were just vaginas everywhere.
- Man, I love those.
Right? Well, I gotta go make my rounds.
- You wanna come with me? - Um, sure.
Let me just get my badge.
Hey, my badge is gone.
S- So is my underwear? Got it! Do you have your flash drive with the virus on it? - Aye.
- You're so salty.
Don't move! I caught them all trying to break in.
Security stopped us before we could crash the mainframe.
And since Veronica was our supervisor, that's who they took us to see.
None of this would have happened if it weren't for you.
Hey, my boobs worked their ass off.
No.
I mean you rallied all these people.
You got 'em out of the lab and into the sunlight and down to my house.
You stepped up.
That's what leaders do.
Well, thanks.
Turns out it's easy to lead when it's for something you care about.
I hope I made myself clear, Veronica.
Yes, sir.
I understand.
You've all disappointed me.
That's punishment enough.
I'm kidding.
Get in here.
You tried to shut the computer down by driving it crazy? Making it think it was malfunctioning is the only way to get it to reboot and put Ted back in the system- Ma'am.
I should have you all fired.
Or demoted.
Or put you in the tank with the octo-chicken.
What you did was thoughtless, reckless, unprofessional - dim-witted- Veronica yelled at us for half an hour.
- unbelievable- - Finally, she ran out of adjectives and was done.
vertical and lactose intolerant.
- Any questions? - I have one.
How did they find us so quickly? They tracked Ryan's missing badge to the basement.
They can track his badge? All our new badges can be tracked.
- That way the system always knows where we are.
- That's creepy.
If the system lived in its mother's basement it would be exactly like this guy I used to date.
- Ma'am.
- Speaking of badges, I'm gonna need all of yours.
After the jet pack test this afternoon you're all being bumped down to lower security clearances.
Don't take their badges, Veronica.
This is my fault.
That's very noble, Ted.
The company would be a much better place if someone like you were working here.
You better come back in one piece.
You're my ride home.
If I don't make it back, my mom will pick you up.
Wait! Legal says you have to wear a parachute.
Why? At the height I'm going, a parachute will be useless.
Not from a legal standpoint.
Good luck.
The truth was, Legal couldn't care less if Lem wore a parachute or not.
In fact, it wasn't even a parachute.
It turned out something had happened that convinced Veronica to also break some rules and go against the system.
- You want me to replace Ted? - No, I didn't say that.
I just want you to hire this applicant to fill Ted's position which the system says is technically vacant.
But, Chet, the interviews were just a formality.
We were always gonna hire Ted for Ted's position.
Oh, look, I love Ted.
He's one of our best people.
But this kid's fresh out of business school and comes at a fraction of the price.
If it would help you make the transition I'm sure he'd let you call him Ted.
I hope I made myself clear, Veronica.
Yes, sir.
I understand.
Veronica realized from our nearly flawless plan that overloading the system with illogical information would make it crash.
And so she spent the next several hours collecting as many other badges as she could.
Then, knowing the system would track the badges she made it think that 75 employees crammed into a knapsack and shot themselves into space.
Since this made no sense, the computer freaked out and crashed.
It was the reboot heard round the world.
The plan was a success.
Just like that, I existed again.
- Hello, Ted.
- Veronica.
So.
What changed your mind about breaking the rules? I don't know what you're talking about.
I never break the rules.
And you shouldn't either, because you couldn't pull off a caper if it was sitting on a plate of lox.
Well, thank you for not doing what you didn't do.
It's nice to have you back.
But if you hate the company so much, why'd you return? That's why.
I like cupcakes.
I don't.
Especially when they're frosted with emotion.
Welcome back.
- Thanks, guys.
- Oh, these aren't for you.
We're heading up to the 20th floor.
The window's still open.
Wanna come break some rules? Sure.
Let's go make it rain cupcakes.
English - US - SDH