Better Off Ted (2009) s01e12 Episode Script


Veridian Dynamics.
The environment.
Everyone likes it, and so we do too.
That's why we're committed to saving it.
Veridian Dynamics is turning every one of our buildings 100% green.
It's ridiculously expensive.
And spending money makes us sad but we're doing it because we love nature even when it's being mean orjust acting stupid.
Veridian Dynamics.
Greening our world.
I'm an honest guy, and yet I'm about to lie to 2,000 people.
We're in it now, Ted.
Go big or go home.
- I can go home? - That stage is your home.
So how did I get here? Because I like a girl.
Specifically, this girl.
And like so many stories about a girl this one starts with gunplay.
Okay, fellas.
What are we lookin' at here? This is the new unbreakable dinnerware we've been developing.
It's made from our new polymer, yo.
When you talk like that, it just makes you whiter.
Whoa! How much does this weigh? - Eight pounds, four ounces.
- Eight pounds? - Four ounces.
- Guys, I know I asked for an unbreakable dish but it doesn't have to take a bullet.
What kind of dinner parties you go to? Show me a lighter version.
- We've disappointed him.
- No one would want to be us right now.
And since we are us, it's very difficult.
- So where are we on the- - Unbreakable dinnerware? It's not really- - Well, then just- - I don't think we have to go that far.
- Good.
But make sure- - I will.
Veronica and I have worked together so long, we have a shorthand an understanding, a trust.
Hey, Ted? So I saw this Veridian commercial last night that said they're greening all of their buildings.
The company does a lot of good things, like- - Greening their buildings? - There's one.
They also have stopped their logging operations.
- Because they ran out of trees.
- What do you want, Linda? I was hoping maybe I could work with the group doing our building.
I was reading this stuff about roof gardens.
They're amazing.
They can cut air conditioning costs by 30%.
Plus, our roof would look 70% prettier, so that's 100% right there.
Please? Well, the math seems sound.
- Let me clear it with Veronica.
- Really? Excellent.
Oh, thank you.
- Sorry.
That was just platonic.
- Oh, yeah, I got that.
- Because I have a boyfriend.
- I know.
- Because you weren't interested in me.
- Linda, it wasn't you.
- I just thought- - Why are you even bringing this up? Just go get me my garden.
There is no program to green the building.
Yeah, there is.
They made a commercial about it.
I didn't say there wasn't a commercial about greening the building.
I said there is no program to green the building.
So it's all a lie? They prefer to look at it as a dream.
But one they're not working towards.
Are you working toward all of your dreams, Ted? Then stop pointing fingers.
How am I gonna tell Linda the one Veridian project she believes in is all a big lie? She sometimes has a problem with what we do here.
If we make this, it could kill all the world's fish.
- But boy, does it whiten teeth.
- All the world's fish, or just- Why are we even talking about this? There she is.
I'm just gonna tell her the truth.
- Well? - You're in.
- Oh! - Or completely lie to her.
- Really? That's fantastic.
- It's a dream come true.
Oh! I didn't see anything.
Now, here's the deal.
The rest of the team is working on other really good green projects.
So you're gonna do the roof garden by yourself.
That's a lot of work.
- So don't do it.
- No, I wanna do it.
All right.
But you can't tell anybody what you're doing.
The company has classified this as confidential.
But it's a good thing.
Why does it need to be confidential? Because, uh, if only bad things were confidential then every time they labeled something as confidential, people would know it was bad.
- That's weird.
- I know.
So don't do it.
- I wanna do it.
- Good.
Welcome to the team.
- Which is only you.
- Right.
Okay, so I lied.
But you saw that face.
Who wouldn't lie to that face? Look at all this stuff! Yea! All right, guys.
Let's get it on the roof.
Plus, I figure if she's successful I can sell the roof garden as a prototype for all Veridian buildings.
Welcome to the big city, fellas.
So what's the deal? Are you guys fighting or having sex? I know.
One always follows the other.
To fund the project, I had to move some money around.
I've never done anything like that before.
But people do it all the time, right? At a company this big, no one ever notices where the money is.
Ted, I've noticed some money's missing, and I need to know where it is.
So do you know where that missing money is, Ted? Because the company loves its money.
The money, it's- it's not missing.
- Good.
Then where is it? - Well, it's, um- Uh, it's been moved to theJabberwocky project.
Jabberwocky? You know aboutJabberwocky, right? You're higher up the chain than I am.
- Jabberwocky.
- It's going to revolutionize the way we do business.
Don't tell me you don't know- Of course I know aboutJabberwocky.
It's gonna revolutionize the way we do business.
Well, you obviously know more about it than I do.
And I always will.
Keep me posted.
There's noJabberwocky project.
I don't normally lie to Veronica.
In fact, I never do.
But I had to cover the lie I told Linda.
Jabberwocky? What the- Veronica didn't question me because the worst thing that can happen at a company like this is to be out of the loop.
If you're out of the loop, you're out of a job.
- You wanted to see me, Chet? - There's some money missing from your department.
It's not missing.
It's been moved to theJabberwocky project.
Jabberwocky? Yes.
That's right.
I see.
You do know aboutJabberwocky, don't you? Of course I do.
I just didn't know that you knew.
How could I not know? It's in my department.
Isn't it? Exactly.
So we both know what it is.
Yes, we do.
Don't we? Yes, we do.
We now have a plate that weighs less than five ounces.
An it's still unbreakable.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fellas, you can't fire a gun in here.
Alan ruined that for everybody.
But check this out.
You were right.
That polymer could burst into flames on high impact.
You owe me a smoothie.
I'm going to leave this here.
Sorry about that, Cathy.
But better than that time Alan shot at you, right? Um, guys, I'm gonna have to pull the plug on this thing.
What if we could come up with a use for a burning plate? Aplate you could also cook your food on.
- A plate that is also a stove.
- A "plove.
" Yeah, I don't think so.
Hey, everyone goes through a slump.
- Did you hear that? Now he thinks we're in a slump.
- Oh, God! My mom's gonna be so upset.
She hates when we disappoint Ted.
- You know, you don't have to tell her everything.
- You don't know her.
She gets things out of you.
It's gonna revolutionize the way we do business.
Man, I gotta get on this Jabberwocky thing.
My wife is pregnant again.
I need a winner.
- I'll put in a good word for you.
- My God! You're on Jabberwocky? I cleared half my schedule for it.
It's a freakin' game changer, bro.
Just once in my career, I'd like to change a game.
Oh, man.
This lie is spreadin' like mayonnaise at a Baptist picnic.
This is crazy.
I haven't gotten anything done all day.
Everyone just keeps pestering me to get on Jabberwocky.
Hey, Veronica, I was just talking to Brett- I can't hear you.
I'm going through a tunnel.
- But- - I'll call you back.
Listen, Veronica.
I need to tell you something.
Hey, guys.
Isn't this a great day? I am so happy.
I need to tell you that Linda is so happy.
Can I borrow him for a second? And she needs to borrow me for a second.
I wish I had the power to make everyone go away.
No, wait.
I do.
- Here.
Taste this tea.
- Why? Just taste it.
- How do you like it? - I don't know.
Tastes like tea.
- It's made from urine.
- God! - Uh- - Don't worry.
It's safe.
It's safe, but it's also made from urine.
You need to work on your flirting.
Leary in Engineering gave me this water purification system.
And I've been talking to all sorts of people about things we can do to green the building.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're just supposed to be working on the confidential roof garden.
- Don't take on any more than that.
- Why not? Why not? Why not? You remember Alan? Remember how much he tried to take on? Think about it.
Why aren't we on Jabberwocky? We need to be on theJabberwocky project, damn it! Oh, I thought we decided to go with aggressive.
All right.
I give up.
I gotta tell you the truth.
There's no such thing as Jabberwocky.
Don't give me that crap.
Too aggressive.
Felt it as soon as it came out.
I'm telling you, it doesn't exist.
- I made it up.
- Come on, Ted.
When my mom hears you didn't put us on Jabberwocky, she's gonna change the locks.
Guys, there's no such thing as-Wait.
Your mom knows about it? Tells her everything, Ted.
It's a sickness.
- He's cutting us out.
- Because we failed him.
- We need to make him believe in us again.
- Agreed.
- It's nice to see you calm.
- I hated what I was turning into.
jabberwocky was getting out of control.
I had to kill it.
And the best way to kill a rumor is with another rumor.
But I hear it's not a game changer at all.
I hear it's a game staying-the-samer.
Total career killer.
People can't leave it fast enough.
So don't go anywhere near it.
I'm only telling you this because I like you.
Unfortunately, Jabberwocky had gotten too big.
It was like trying to kill a bear with a chopstick.
I'm not saying it can't be done.
It's just super-duper hard.
And so we're looking for a way to make Ted feel good about us again.
- Any ideas? - I don't know.
Buy him a candle.
That's not gonna fly.
Ted hates things that light on fire.
- Hey, Ted likes Linda.
- You wanna give him Linda? I mean, I wasn't thinking that, but- I will be given to no man! I saw that in a movie once.
What if we just help her with whatever project she's working on? Yeah.
Ted might appreciate us doing that.
- Say, Linda, what are you working on? - Oh, you're talking to me again.
Well, I'm not supposed to tell anyone.
But I could use some help.
I'm building a roof garden and I need a super energy efficient way to light it at night.
- Have you considered a plove? - Oh, forget the plove.
What about bioluminescence? Fireflies have been using it for 200 million years.
- Fireflies- the flaming plates of the insect world.
- Mmm! - Hi, Veronica.
- Hello, Linda.
Thank you.
You don't have to thank me every time I say hello.
But it's nice to hear.
Do it.
I mean, I love this project.
I know I'm not supposed to say anything, but I really appreciate it.
- So you're working on it too? - Day and night.
I see.
Then tell me, Linda, how's it going? Specifically.
Tell me anything.
Even the littlest thing would be great to hear.
Well, the worms are thriving.
And I got Ted to drink urine.
Veronica? Hi, Ted.
Just trying to get to know you better.
By going through my files? You're such a closed book.
I don't know whatJabberwocky is.
It's the company's most exciting project, and all I know is that it involves worms and urine.
There is noJabberwocky.
- What? - I made the whole thing up.
You lied to me? I know.
It was wrong.
I needed to move some money around so Linda could build her roof garden.
A roof garden? Oh, for God's sakes, Ted.
Why don't you just do her already? Do you know what kind of trouble we're in now? This is all they're talking about upstairs.
In a couple of hours, we're presenting Jabberwocky to the entire division.
What? Why'd you agree to that? Oh, really, Ted? Is that your strategy? - "Let's make this Veronica's fault"? - You're the only person I told.
It is your strategy.
That is so thin.
All right, let's not panic.
Why don't we tell them thatJabberwocky is Linda's greening the building project? Because they don't care about greening the building.
It's not gonna happen.
Well, how am I gonna tell that to Linda? Why don't you start like this? "Hey, Linda, can I borrow some money? 'Cause I just lost my job.
" You're right.
Why are we even talking about Linda? We have to focus on this presentation.
We need to come up with a product that no one has ever seen before.
It better be good.
They've already signed a contract with James EarlJones to be the voice of- Jabberwocky.
So, here we go again.
Because of a girl, I'm about to lie to 2,000 people.
We're in it now, Ted.
Go big or go home.
- I can go home? - That stage is your home.
Business is changing- changing at the speed of information.
Whoever adapts first- Wins.
In order to compete, we innovate.
In order to innovate, we redefine.
And how do we redefine? With a new definition.
- This is going great.
- Think how great it would be if we'd come up with a product.
Products are for people who don't have presentations.
Imagine a new way to do business that's faster than a cheetah.
More powerful than another cheetah.
I only had an hour to pull stuff off the Internet.
A way of doing business more magnificent than a fish.
Or a whale! Jabberwocky.
Sure, there were a few hiccups.
But not having a product wasn't slowing us down at all.
So what is it? What is it exactly that's gonna revolutionize the way we do business? Simple.
It's- jabberwocky.
The game is changing right now.
Coming in 2012.
So do you understand whatJabberwocky is exactly? - Of course I do, you idiot.
Don't you? - Yeah.
I was just seeing if you needed me to explain it to you.
I love being applauded.
If I had a tape of that I'd fall asleep to it every night.
It was a great evening.
Although I'm still angry about the flash pot.
- That would've looked so cool.
- Ted, don't ever lie to me again.
I'm sorry.
I won't.
Too many people get hurt.
And the next thing you know, you're buying James EarlJones an "I'm sorry" muffin basket.
And you're not a very good liar anyway.
But that's okay.
Neither am I.
Now that's how it's done.
There are a lot ofbad things about lying.
But the worst thing is when you have to tell the truth.
So this project never existed? Then this whole thing was pointless? No, it wasn't.
Look around.
Look how beautiful this is.
You did this.
I mean, you made a difference right on this rooftop.
Hope you're not upset.
You stole from the company for me.
How could a girl be mad at someone that does that? You're like my thief in shining armor.
If we're gonna hug, you're starting it.
- Good evening, Ted.
- Ted.
- Ted- - Linda.
I was past the greeting.
Ted- Don't.
We were working with Linda on this very important project and we are about to light up this rooftop without using a single watt of electricity.
- Impossible, you say? - I didn't say anything.
It's not! Behold the power of bioluminescence.
Oh, guys! - It's so pretty.
- We took the plants'D.
A and spliced in the bioluminescent properties of fireflies.
We call them "fire flowers.
" Nice work, fellas.
I'm impressed.
- Really? - Yeah.
In fact, I think the company might be interested in something like this.
- We're back.
- And we're proud.
What was that? Uh, fire squirrel.
A week later we found another benefit of Linda's roof garden.
Although the fire squirrel turned out to be a mistake driven mad by not being able to sleep due to its constant glowing.
As for theJabberwocky project we never did have to figure out what the hell it was.
Because after our presentation, the company was so excited they fast-tracked it and shipped it toJapan.
What they shipped, I'm still trying to figure out.
And so are theJapanese.
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