Better Off Ted (2009) s02e12 Episode Script

It's My Party and I'll Lie If I Want To

Everybody lies once in a while.
Hey Joe.
Those mutton chops - totally working for you.
Aww, is that the tie Rose picked out for you? No.
It's nice.
Or, maybe telling little lies isn't so bad.
For example, I should have lied and said Rose bought this tie.
Once the black box is activated, it can detect any lie told by anybody in the room It analyses speech sound waves and can identify the distortion in our voices created by the stress of lying.
And it doesn't work at all! See, it does work.
I never had any doubt.
OK, I had a small doubt.
OK, every day I am incapacitated by fear.
I don't know where the magic comes from and I'm terrified that one day I'll wake up and it will all be gone.
And I'll end up alone, living in my brother's basement with his trains.
Buzz, damn you! Meanwhile, back at a place of business.
Since we're marketing this for the military we have given this project our top level security clearance.
Currently, we're the only people who know about it.
Alright! I told my shrink.
He says it's because I want him to think I'm important.
Let me try.
Every spring, on a remote island, Sean Connery and I hunt the most dangerous game: man.
I've also poisoned one of you.
And before this day is done, I'm going to force two of you to make love.
Oh my god, I'm dying.
I can't breathe.
Good luck you two.
Don't let the intimacy hurt the friendship.
Relax, I'm lying.
I'm able to will myself to believe whatever I say.
That's why your machine couldn't tell.
As Veronica has demonstrated with her alarming mixture of sex and death, you two need to recalibrate this, so that even she can't fool it.
Hey, it's my favourite people.
- Chet, what can I do for you sir? - Actually, I'm here to see Ted.
Are you and your daughter still up for miniature golf today with me and Olivia? Looking forward to it, sir.
I've got my clubs and I am going to beat you.
Oh my, that didn't come out right.
Don't worry, I've never hit anyone with a golf club.
At least not on purpose.
Hey what's this fun machine? Just a random buzzer.
It's working! I've got to get back upstairs and put some more evil into the world.
What did you think, you're elves in the North Pole? You know where you work.
So, you're jetting off for a glamorous golf game with the boss.
It's hardly glamorous.
On the final hole you have to putt the ball into the mouth of a rabbit, who for copyright reasons is named Shmugs Shmunny.
It's not fair.
All you people with your kids, palling around after hours, networking, advancing your careers.
And I get left behind, just because I don't want to turn my uterus into a human veal farm.
Well some call it the Miracle of Life, but OK.
Look, Chet's daughter Olivia and Rose both go to the Veridian aftercare program and they've gotten to be friends.
Like 2 cutlets in a scaloppini.
So I figured it would be good to get some face time with the boss.
Just be careful, Ted.
There's a reason it's called the kid mafia.
Because you started calling it that? Yes, and because one minute you're flying high with Chet, and the next you're buried in the desert with a bullet in your skull.
Or whatever the kid equivalent is.
Probably something with poo.
This is my calm voice! Do you want to hear my uncalm voice? Damn it! Wow, Linda seems pretty upset.
- Yeah, someone should do something.
- Definitely.
- You mean someone else, right? - Ideally.
Well, we could.
We are her friends.
Yeah, but does she consider us close friends.
Close enough to let us carry her burdens.
If we were walking along the beach, would there be three sets of footprints or two, or none? I consider you close enough to hear everything you're saying.
Hey Linda.
How's it going? My brother smashed up my car and I need $5000 to get it fixed.
The company said they wouldn't advance it to me, unless I agreed to carry a cloned orangutan to term.
I wouldn't do it.
Orangutan arms are so long, they poke out way before the rest of them.
The last 2 weeks of the pregnancy, they'll be picking up everything you drop.
Thank you.
Finally I have a good reason not to be implanted with an orangutan embryo.
Hey, what if we loaned you the money? Yeah.
Oh, you guys are sweet.
But I can't borrow money from you.
Of course not.
Only a really good friend would feel comfortable enough to borrow money.
We over-reached.
We have been rightfully shamed and we shall now take our leave.
- Guys, you are my friends.
- Then prove it and take our money.
- Do it, Linda.
Talk is cheap.
- All right.
I'll take your money.
Then it's time to lower the gangplank and welcome you aboard the Friend ship.
Please don't judge us for that.
Look at that.
I've never seen Olivia so crazy for anyone as she is for your daughter.
Kids, there's just no rhyme or reason to some of the ridiculous things they get attached to.
Wait, what? Olivia used to play with Joe Mullen's daughter but that girl was relentlessly competitive, and good at things.
- Joe Mullen, wasn't he recently transferred to Nigeria? - Yeah.
I remember he was nervous about all the kidnappings.
- He described it as a ransom-based economy.
- Yeah.
I'm sure he lives in constant fear.
- It's not fair.
- What's the matter, sweetheart? Rose keeps winning.
If I'm so special, why aren't I winning? Maybe you're just not special at golf.
You're special at screaming really loud.
Hey Olivia, don't worry about it.
There's still another hole left and that is the only hole that matters.
Whoever wins that one, wins the whole game.
- What are you talking about? - Just go tee up.
Nicely handled, Ted.
Hey we have the Galaxy Omega project coming up.
I think it could benefit from your people skills.
Boy, I'd love to be part of Galaxy Omega.
It's going to change the way we communicate with animals, which up until now has been talking to them, getting frustrated with them and then eating them.
Come by my office and we'll talk about it.
Hit it.
Honey, Hey, I have a fun idea.
Why don't you let Olivia win.
There's nothing more fun than losing on purpose.
What's happened to you? Great, instead of working on the company's most exciting project, I'll get canned.
God forbid she loses at miniature golf.
Olivia sank it in 2, Ted.
Heaven help us all.
I'm just thinking about Rose.
She would hate Nigeria.
You know what they say, it's not just the heat, it's the driving around in the trunk of a car, not knowing if you're going to live or die.
Where's my ball? Where's my ball? - It flew into the bushes.
- Flew? Or was kicked? OK, you know how I pretend not to see when you hide your peas under your mashed potatoes? Can you just cut me a little of that? Guys, I really appreciate this loan.
Now I can get my car fixed and stop commuting with Mutton-Chop Joe, who, big surprise, is the president of the virginity club at his church.
Hey, since we're such good friends, how would you like to join us this weekend for a little adventure we call, "Bowling and Nachos".
We go bowling and we order nachos.
My! That is an adventure.
- But, we don't eat the nachos.
- No, we do not.
We bring them back to the lab and analyze the cheese sauce to determine how much of it is actual cheese.
If one of us bowls a higher score than the percentage of cheese, then we get blasted.
I do like bowling and I love getting blasted, but I can't.
I have to work.
What's that? Just something we invented that buzzes.
Hey, we can't all be Thomas Edison.
But more about this work you have to do.
Yeah, I've got this big report.
That's due Monday.
So I gotta work on it all weekend.
That thing's really annoying Well I'm certainly glad you're taking our money, Linda.
God, I'm pathetic.
I didn't feel good about sabotaging my daughter at minigolf.
I made it up to her.
Although I'm not super proud of how I did that either.
Aren't these good root beer floats? I'm sorry, honey.
Please forgive me.
- Daddy! - Hey, sweetheart.
- How's your day? - A grind.
I don't like Olivia anymore.
And now she wants me to go to her birthday.
Well, you don't have to go.
Unless you change your mind.
Because there's going to be cake.
And on the way you can sit on my lap and drive the car.
And I'll let you cut Daddy's hair I'm going to go grab my lunchbox.
When I come back, you try not to be weird.
Hello, Ted.
Ooh, I like this place.
It makes me feel so tall and busty.
Yeah, that's why I come.
So, what are you doing down here.
I've joined the kid mafia.
You're not the only ass-kissing career whore.
What are you looking at? I'm not going to let Chet go over my head and give you the Galaxy Omega project, - just because you have a daughter.
- It really makes you crazy, that I might get something that you can't have, doesn't it? Plus, you can't join the kid mafia without a kid.
I do have a kid.
It's my niece.
We're very close.
- Hello, Luthy! - Hannah.
Everything's a fight with you.
So, did you play with Olivia today? A little bit.
The girl I really like is Rose.
Rose? Rose gets us nothing.
Teddy-o! Veronica.
Sometimes, adding an "y-o" just makes a name more fun.
Although it doesn't work with Veronica.
- Might I suggest the Veronica-meister.
- We'll see.
So Chet, my niece just joined this gym, and she's gotten very close to Olivia and would love to get together with her.
Maybe for lunch or drinks? Olivia is having a birthday this weekend.
Maybe she'd like to come to that.
We'll be there.
It'll be a perfect chance for me to talk to you, about why I should be in charge of the Galaxy Omega project.
Rose and I'll be there too, sir.
Because Rose loves Olivia.
So, I guess we'll both be at your daughter's birthday.
Where is she registered, sir? How do you convince an eight-year old girl to go to a party she doesn't want to? I have no idea.
So I thought I'd asked someone who used to be an eight-year old girl.
Get her a beautiful sparky pink party dress, and a princess tiara.
If she doesn't want it, I have an event coming up, I'd wear it too.
Actually, getting Rose a dress is a good idea.
- Thanks Linda.
You really are a girl.
- Yes I am.
And it's not just the genitals.
It's a whole lifestyle.
Ted, Ted.
How much do you know about your precious Linda? Specifically, did you know she's a huge liar? We thought we were friends but she made up some story about having a work so she could avoid hanging out with us this weekend.
Our self-respect demands a harsh response.
We were thinking about bringing her a coffee and a bagel every morning.
Then, when she's grown accustomed to it, we'll inexplicably stop.
Guys, why don't you just talk to Linda? Tell her your feelings are hurt and Wait a second.
You guys stopped bringing me a bagel and coffee two weeks ago.
You know what you did.
Maybe Ted's right.
Maybe we should talk to Linda, that is what friends do.
- It's hard being friends with girls.
- It's hard being friends with guys.
I wish there was a third gender.
Something with boobs that was incapable of judgment.
So,I just wanna go over the plans for saturday.
Everybody should try to get to my place by 8.
And be prepared to stay late.
This thing could get kinda crazy.
Oh, yeah.
Beer, hard licker, everything.
Even strippers.
She's having a party.
That's why she's not hanging out with us.
And they are going to wear slippers.
Those things are so comfortable.
And she didn't invite us? What kind of a friend does that? Let's get her a bagel and some coffee.
It's the time, to start laying the ground work for pain, in three to six weeks she's not going to know what hit her.
I don't know if I can wait that long.
We need an another plan.
Something with more bite that doesn't take weeks and weeks and often goes unnoticed.
- Hi, Ted.
Where is Rose? - She is around here somewhere.
Oh, really? Because I saw you both get out of the car and it was just you.
Did you drive seperately? Did you shrink her and put her in your pocket? Okay, I couldn't get Rose to come.
I figured since there'd a million kids here, I could bring a present, carry her sweater and nobody would know the difference.
Oh, Ted.
I can't believe what you are doing to get Galaxy Omega project.
It's all so sad and desperate.
- Can I have some more tokens? - Of course, Hannah.
- What? That's my niece's name,isn't it? - Yes, but that's not your niece.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- We could do this all night.
Yes, it is.
Sweetheart, what's your name? You want me to call somebody? Alright, I borrowed my neighbour's kid.
Here's some more tokens.
Go be nice to the birthday girl.
My sister pulled the plug on Hannah when she found out that I was using her for my career.
She thought I developed a genuine interest in the child.
What really hurts on all this is that how little my own sister knows me.
And you called me desperate.
Veronica, you are never gonna pull this off.
That girl is at least 2 years older.
She's taller,her eyes are different colour - She's a different human being.
- You're just freakishly observant.
Unless it's a big take it item, like race, or not being a sweater, no-one's gonna notice.
Veronica, there's something odd about your niece.
She doesn't look quite right Hey-o, you see that? I put a hat on her face.
Hats don't belong there.
Inspring lunatism.
I'm glad you both made it.
That wiesel Bob Simmons said he and his daughter we're coming and they didn't even show up.
- What kind of a man does that? - A villain, sir.
He should be forced to carry an orang-utan.
Where's Rose? Olivia's been asking for her since we got here.
Rose is, buried in the ball pit.
You saw her, didn't you? - You and your real niece.
- Yes, we did.
For now.
So, my daughter is here, Veronica's real niece is here.
Everything is as it should be.
Lying, it's always wrong.
But sometimes companies have to say things that aren't 100% true.
Is that wrong? No.
When companies aren't truthful, it's not because we are bad.
It's because we understand things you don't.
People lie.
Companies protect their interest.
It's different.
This is it.
This is where Linda and her beautiful friends are having a party.
A party which we shall destroy with our uncomfortable, silent anger.
- Now, what's the plan? - Get drunk, done.
Walk 10 miles from bar to Linda's place, done.
Get chased by a homeless guy with a stick which we didn't plan, but done.
Keep down the tequila which is coming back on me, done.
Mom, dad, Father Todd.
I'm grateful that we could all be here tonight to save my beautiful brother Justin.
Justin, your drinking has affected me in the following ways Yazoo, bitches! You're busted, our little liar friend, you're not at work, - you're having a party.
- This is so not a party.
Oh, come on.
Peanuts, people crying, a priest.
That's a party, baby.
Yeah, stripper priest.
Take it off, father sexy.
You idiots.
We're having an intervention.
Next time you talk to god, could you not mention this? Here, we're done drinking tonight.
Just keep it away from the alcoholics.
Working on Galaxy Omega would be so exciting.
Being able to communicate with animals.
I've always wanted to tell a giraffe how stupid it looks.
I've always wanted to ask a baboon why they are called baboons.
It's such a ridiculous name.
And there might be other aplications beyond insulting animals.
Like, learning about the enviroment.
Don't we have enough humans complaining about that? Now I have to listen some hippie bear whining that I'm eating all his salmon.
I can't find Rose.
I looked everywhere.
Nobody's seen her.
- I'm sure she's somewhere.
- Maybe she's been murdered.
Oh my God.
She hasn't been murdered.
Stop that.
I'm sure she hasn't been murdered, honey.
Your father's right.
Rose has not been murdered.
Can we stop talking about my daughter being or not being murdered? All this talk about murdering Rose has got me spooked.
And you don't even know where she is.
I'm calling security.
No, no don't do that.
What kind of a father are you? She is missing, Ted.
You, you, I need an another dietcola.
And this one's daughter is missing.
- We think she's been murdered.
- What? We do not think that.
We have a missing child.
Repeat: There is a child missing.
Parents, locate your children immediately.
Oh, boy.
I'm an off-duty police officer.
Can I help? - Rose has been murdered.
- What? No, nobody's been murdered.
Okay, I didn't bring her.
I lied.
Rose didn't wanna come.
For some reason she doesn't like Olivia.
Ted, how could you do this? Lying to me and Chet like that? Oh, give me a break.
That's not even your niece.
What? Hannah, how could you do this? Lying to me and chet like that? The next day, things were little tense between me and Veronica.
So, we re-calibrated the lie detector so not even Veronica will be able to fool it.
Or any sociopath.
Not that I think you're a sociopath.
Shut up.
Well, let's try it.
Because Ted sold me out to Chet, I'm missing out on Veridian's most exciting project since that pill that makes people shop.
And I'm fine with that.
And I'm glad that last night, at the first sight of trouble with Chet, Veronica kicked me in the testicles.
It's weird when beautiful people fight.
It's like watching the Hope Diamond yell at the sunset.
I've realized recently, I don't mind anger as much when it's not directed at me.
Yazoo, Bitches.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I bursting in on something I wasn't invited to? Upsetting people, giving liquor to my alcoholic brother, making my mother cry so hard that she threw up on father sexy? We apologized for that last night.
Perhaps you didn't hear us because we were running away as fast as we could.
Going to a party, where you don't belong? Why does that sound familiar? Because that's what you did, when you showed up to child party without a child.
You know what the problem is, Veronica? You can't stand that I might get a big project that you are not a part of.
- So you wanna horn in on it.
- That's not true.
And you guys can't stand that I have an alcoholic brother.
No, that can't be right.
Why did you guys crash my brother's intervention anyway? We thought you were having a party and didn't invite us even though you said we were friends.
We were friends.
Although after what you did last night, I don't know if I wanna be friends with you anymore.
She still wants to be our friend.
Even after all we did.
That's a real friendship.
Because what we did was apalling.
Come here.
Thanks to you, my whole family is mad at me.
The last thing I need right now is a hug from you guys.
Let's go hug her.
It's just you, me, and the machine.
So admit it.
You don't want me to move up and have success in this company.
Of course I want that for you.
Well, this makes it harder to advance my argument.
It's the truth, Ted.
It's just, if you join the kid mafia pretty soon you're gonna be hanging out with them all the time.
and when I need you, you're not gonna be around and.
well, you know - You'd miss me? - No! - And that's as much as you're gonna get.
- Well, I'll take it.
And whatever happens, I will always not be there for you.
Because our friendship means nothing to me.
And that's as much as you're gonna get.
Guess who's covered in tiny This guy! So I've decided you both need a little more punishment.
Well, at least Chet didn't send us off to Nigeria.
Don't talk.
When you exhale, I can feel it in my face.
You're just mad because I sneezed in your mouth a minute ago.
Isn't it nice you don't have to miss me? This cheese sauce is only 42% cheese.
And since you voted 62, according to the American rules of "Bowling & Nachos", we all get to drink.
But first we dance.
Everybody in da House Everybody in da House if you're ready to party Everybody in da House if you're ready to party let me hear you say.