Better Things (2016) s03e06 Episode Script

What Is Jeopardy?

1 Mom? - Hmm? - A guy had to cut off his penis because he got his dick stuck in a jar.
Don't tell me that.
He was 50 years old.
Why? Mom.
Come on.
Well did he die? I don't know.
- Ugh.
- MAX: Mom? Remember I told you Paisley's dating this, like, 70-year-old guy? - Yeah? - Well, he won't have sex with her until she's Oh, thank God! Mom, you didn't let me finish.
Oh.
He won't have sex with her until she turns 21? She asked hopefully in a very high voice.
No he won't have sex with her unless she's, like, completely shaved, like, completely.
Max, do you mind? Duke is sitting right there.
What? I can know about it.
- It's fine.
- PHYLLIS: Allô.
C'est moi.
(exhales) ("Jeopardy" theme playing) (machine whirring) MAN (on TV): A Certain Age, $800.
ALEX TREBEK: A common Jewish surname.
It's German for "black.
" - What is Schwartz?! - Schvartze! - MAN: Schwartz.
- TREBEK: Correct.
- Jesus.
- WOMAN: All In The Family, 2,000.
TREBEK: In the King James Bible, these three words starting with a relative, precede "for they know not what they do.
" - What is "Father forgive them?" - "Father forgive them!" WOMAN: What is "Father, forgive them?" TREBEK: Right.
WOMAN: Magic and sorcery in the Bible for eight.
TREBEK: This Babylonian king had his own group of magicians, but it was Daniel who interpreted his dreams.
- Who is Nebuchadnezzar? - Nebuchadnezzar.
- TREBEK: Yes.
- Good.
We both won.
No, you didn't win, because you didn't put it in the form of a question.
(scoffs) - Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Is it good? - Yeah.
- So, these boys asked me to do a photo shoot for like, - their rehab group or - SAM: Mm-hmm.
Some kind of bullshit, and, um, they asked me to invite my girlfriends, and it turns out they were just trying to get me to take naked pictures of them.
And they thought because I was shooting it, it would be okay.
The fuck? MAX: So stupid.
Well, boys will be boys.
They certainly know how to take any advantage to gawp at young girls' bosoms.
It's so childish.
(laughs) Why did you leave my dad? What? Frankie, shut up.
No.
(scoffs) Why did you leave my dad? Frankie, that was a long time ago.
Well, yeah, but you never told us.
You-you never told us.
You you sat us down and gave us that bullshit talk and then we all went to the movies.
But you never told us why.
MAX: It's true, Mom.
You never told us.
Did your father say something to you when you saw him on Tuesday? This is not about what my father said to me.
This is about what you haven't said to me.
Why did you leave my dad? (sighs) (fart) Oh, I beg your pardon.
I've made a pong.
Uh-oh.
(laughing) (laughing): Oh.
(stifled laugh) - (chuckling) - Gran.
- (laughing) - Oh, okay.
Gross.
- (all laughing) - PHYLLIS: Goodness me.
(chuckles) Thanks, Mom.
No problem.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, I'm not okay, but (crying): Bye.
I don't know what you want me to say.
(sniffles) I'm the fattest person in the land I'm the fatty patty patty man.
(chuckles, sniffles) (clears throat) Hi.
How are you? - How you doing? - I'm okay.
What's wrong? Why you cry? Doesn't matter.
I just Bleh.
(chuckles) What were you doing today? Hmm.
Well, I have therapy.
Yep.
Yep, I do.
I have doctor medical prescribed mental therapy.
Good, Mom.
You need it.
Oh, thank you so much.
What are you gonna do today? I don't know.
I'm supposed to see a show tonight.
I'm shooting a band.
Cool.
- Can I borrow your boots? - Nope.
Absolutely not.
- Mom! - No, you can't.
Mom, they're just gonna stay in your closet.
Please, please, can I borrow the boots? Nope.
No.
No, you can't, honey.
(Max sobs) What's wrong? My boyfriend broke up with me.
- (sniffling) - Oh.
Which one? Um, the black ones with the roses.
No, I meant which boyfriend.
(laughs) (laughing): Okay, that's really funny, Mom.
Now I feel bad about myself again.
(sighs) (groans) Come on.
Come on.
(Sam exhales, grunts) (safe beeps) Turn around.
Turn around, turn away.
- Turn away.
- Why do you have that? It's so weird you keep your fucking boots in a safe.
(beeping, lock clicks) Oh, what about those? Can I have those? No! No, no, no, no.
You absolutely can't, no.
No, honey.
You know why? My grandmother left me a gold bracelet, I had a rare book and a ruby ring, and you know what? They're all gone.
They're all gone.
You guys just take it.
You take away things.
So Go ahead.
Take these boots.
I'm never gonna see 'em again.
But I am keeping these boots.
And my safe.
You're welcome.
Can we go out? Can we get tacos? Didn't you hear what I was singing before? I'm the fatty, patty, patty, patty, fatty man.
- (chuckles) - Duh.
Yes.
- Okay.
- Tacos.
Seriously? I could - climb over the - (intercom beeps) (buzzing) Okay.
Well, this kind of stress at home is very common.
Oh, really? Is it? Is this common? Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Lyft, Lyft, Postmates, Venmo, Spotify, Instafollow, Lyft, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Lyft, Postmates, Postmates, Editing Bunny.
I don't know why this makes me so angry.
(scoffs) I know they have to get places and I can't be everywhere.
I just I-I It When I see it in this big, giant, pile of turd money bullshit I need somebody to weigh in.
Like, is this okay? Is this how people are doing it? Or am I completely screwing everything up? Yes.
"There are no strangers here, only friends we have not met.
" Fried ham, fried ham Cheese and bologna, after the macaroni We'll have Pickles, onions, and pretzels Then we'll have some more fried ham, fried ham.
I'm gonna pack my bags and turn around I'm gonna turn this camp right upside down I'm gonna drink and smoke and neck and peck So what the heck, to hell with the (chuckles) I guess it really has been that long.
- To hell with the Ca - Camp - Camp Teak girls - Camp Teak boys - Camp Teak girls - Camp Teak boys - Wear boxers - Are fairies (chuckles) - Hoh - Yeah, you see that? I knew I wasn't that forgettable.
(chuckles) Blowing your mind a little bit? A little bit.
Yeah.
Hi.
Why make believe Little Deezy Miller.
And now Dr.
Little Deezy Miller.
But I'll take David from my old camp buddy.
Oh.
Okay.
What? We weren't buddies? Oh, no, I don't know.
I mean, is that what you call every girl you went behind the infirmary with? You are every girl I went behind the infirmary with.
(chuckles) They tell me it's only Make-believe (grunts) I was red team.
60s? Oh, God, that's right.
Yeah, and you wore that, uh, Led Zeppelin shirt with the sleeves cut off - for that whole week.
- (chuckles) You were so cute.
God, you killed me.
That you adore So still got that shirt? Darling, I find I'm getting worried Yes! (grunts) What happened? You've been playing in the street again is what happened.
No, I I wasn't, I (scoffs) If your mother finds out you've been playing in the street again, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.
I don't feel good.
All right.
Come on.
You're fine.
Just a little shaken up.
How many fingers? Three.
Good girl.
All right.
Need a little lie down is all.
Now, get yourself back in and get cleaned up before your mother catches you.
Okay.
Wait, where's my skateboard? Go.
We should probably talk about you at some point.
Mm-hmm.
Sure.
Yeah.
Or, I don't know, you could maybe just give me the drugs.
Dr.
Babu said that you would try to shake me down.
But so far all I know is either somebody stole your credit card or, um, you have a teenager at home.
Two, and a younger.
And you think that they're contributing to your sleep issues? (scoffs) No.
No.
They don't keep me up anymore.
I don't even fall asleep, I just pass out.
All right.
Ugh.
Ugh! (groans) I keep (muffled): I keep having these dreams that I'm constantly getting sexed on by my ex, and it's happening very frequently, meaning every single night.
How long since the divorce? Uh, it's been, like, four or five hundred years.
So was it an amicable split? Um jeesh, I don't want to I don't Well, we don't have to get into that right now.
But I will say that even after a contentious relationship, there can be residual feelings - No.
No.
No.
No.
- That have to be dealt with.
- Otherwise they can continue to fester.
- Nope.
- Beneath the surface.
- No.
Nope.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Sorry, that's stupid.
If your ex-husband was here right now, what would you say to him? Why didn't you drown in a puddle of diarrhea yet? Hello, Sam.
(groans) Hello.
Be stiffer.
More stiff and awkward, yet charming.
More stiff and awkward than that? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Hello, Sam.
Yeah, hi.
What happened? - Why did you summon me? - Um because I've been having dreams, and they're fairly disturbing to me.
What happens in the dreams? (sighs) I don't want to talk about it.
Well, maybe you better talk about it.
I mean, you called me.
I've been having dreams that we're fucking.
Sex dreams things.
Oh, gosh.
SAM: (groans) This makes me very, very, very, very uncomfortable.
(sighs) I'm not attracted to you.
I'm not attracted to you either.
But do you remember the thing that we used to do, we did? Jesus.
Yeah, of course.
I remember, yeah.
- Do you? - I remember.
I don't think that it's a good idea - that we do this.
- Same.
But just for the record I'll do it if you want to.
I don't have that outfit anymore.
You have the boots? Yes, I have the boots.
- Do you have the underwear? - Shut up.
Yes.
I'm fully erect right now.
Ugh.
I'm sick to my stomach.
Well, you were always that way before we did that.
This is bad.
I know that this is bad.
You know, and also, I'm offended a little bit.
I resent you for pulling us into this moment, because we both know that you're the one that's in control.
- It's not fair, Sam.
- I don't care, you can hang up any time.
I'm going back to my hotel.
If you want, you can go home, get the boots, get that underwear.
My flight leaves tomorrow at 7:00 a.
m.
And I don't know how I'll feel or even what I'll do - if you come over, but - (sighs) (toilet flushes) MAN (on TV): Elevators ain't running.
Come on.
Shouldn't be getting out of bed, Miss.
Has he been here? Have you seen him? MAN: I ain't seen him for a week.
WOMAN: Where's Cornell? MAN: He's watching the other door.
WOMAN: Oh, you're swell.
Oh (running footsteps on TV) MAN: Now, that's crazy it's 14 floors.
I I just got hit by a car.
Oh.
Is that what that noise was? I think I'm in trouble.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe.
And I can't tell Mom, but I think I'm really hurt.
What? Did you-did you hit your head? No.
Well, does it hurt? Are you-are you bleeding? Well, where? I don't see any blood.
Duke.
Maybe it's someplace else.
Someplace else? What w-what do you mean? Oh.
Um Okay.
No, no, no, no, no, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's okay, you're okay.
Um, why don't we just we'll go upstairs, okay? I have something you need up there.
Yeah? MAN (on TV): No sense in going up there I've been here for hours.
He ain't here.
WOMAN: Let me go, would you? I want to call Max.
My nightmares have come alive They're eating me from the inside When you go Leave on the light Oh, my God I've got the fear I cannot escape here - Keep it close.
- Mm-hmm.
Wake me up, wake me up Oh, please - (music stops) - (retching) (knocking on door) Hello, Mom.
Well, don't linger there like a huckster.
Come in.
Did you ever really Love me MARION: Is everything okay? Really care? You called me to come over here, Phil? Really miss me Kiss me I wonder If your heart was ever there (groaning) My car keys.
I've decided it's time.
And I don't want to talk about it.
Ever.
- Do you understand? - Yes.
I do have conditions, however.
I want unlimited Ubers for life and a black American Express card.
Is there anything else, or What? No, what do you mean? I Nothing.
You agree to the terms, then? Phil, yeah, we can't get a black American Express card.
Well, Ubers, then.
And I want the service The one that brings you a different flavored popcorn every month.
I'll look into that.
Good.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I'm making dinner now.
- That's very nice.
- So you should leave.
Huh.
- Again.
- I can't say That I always do the right thing I'm not even sure If I know what that means I'd like to be someone Who's honest and tough - (exhales) - And I fear that I'm close But I'm not close enough I'd like to cry But I can't get into it - I've thought about dying.
- (grumbles): Oh, no.
I'm not sure how to do it (sighs) I need love - I need love - What? I need love I need love Yeah (song fades out) (exhales) Welcome in my cabin Anytime you'd like See I'm burning up All the spruce and pine And I know it's not the best For heating us I know it's not the best For healing us But it's all I have and I share my flaws with you We All Deserve You can call on God In the morning once you're sober And you can talk to me When you're all fucked up tonight But if it just Has to wait If it's something I Won't understand Well, I understand We all deserve the light I understand We all deserve the light We All Deserve.
SAM: Guys? Somebody? I need a tampon.
I gave your last one to Duke.
SAM: What?! I ain't gonna cry no more, no more Ain't gonna cry no more (whooping) I ain't gonna cry no more, no more I ain't gonna cry no more Said I'd cry for the very last time And I ain't gonna cry no more 'Cause you finally made me see That your love could never be All the heartaches I suffered before Darling, don't you see, I can't take no more I just want to let