Better Things (2016) s04e03 Episode Script

Escape Drill

1 It's just a meeting to give you information.
You're not committing to anything.
All you're doing is you're here to procure information.
- I'm down.
- I don't even know what I'm doing here.
- What if Richard finds out? - Good.
Because I am not planning on getting divorced.
All you're doing is writing her a check.
That's all.
And then if you change your mind and it all goes to caca, Richard won't be able to summon the motherfuckin' Night King in there.
(sighs) Don't worry.
You can go in now.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Lenny, Lala, this is the guy I used to be married to's attorney - What? - Eva Braun.
I thought you were taking us to your attorney.
Now I know you really love me.
(attorney chuckles) - I'm Dee.
- Lenny.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- This is Dee Willis.
She napalmed my life, - and she's the best.
- Thank you.
So you should both hire her to misery-fuck the souls of your shitty meat-sack husbands.
You'd be surprised how often I get referrals this way.
- Ladies, come on, sit.
- LALA: Come on, just we're just talking.
(talking indistinctly) So, who wants to go first? - I'll happily go first, just to break - Oh, okay.
- break the ice.
- Mm-hmm.
- So, I'm Lala.
- Mm-hmm.
And I want a divorce.
SAM: Who has sex less than a married lady? - Who? - Nobody! (chuckles) LALA: There was just never anything really that wrong with him, you know? - Like a lukewarm bath.
- Hard, hard, hard disagree, bro.
I mean, sure, there's nothing right with him, either.
There you go! It was comfortable, okay? So kill me.
But just saying everything out loud today, I feel so excited.
- Yes! - Oh, my God.
Bring on the cold showers.
- Yep.
- LALA: Mm.
So, Richard called me last night.
(clears throat softly) We spent, like, an hour just talking about things.
I actually think, in the long term, this might be a good thing for us.
A little space.
You think I'm crazy? Oh, no, no, no, no.
We don't think you're crazy, honey.
It's just hard to watch you keep doing this to yourself.
Do what? Care about my marriage? I mean, since when is there an exact right way to do that? He's a good dad and he loves me, and I still love him.
Like I got so many options.
Spitting on 50.
Was I supposed to start dating again? In L.
? Mm.
It's Logan's Run here.
(Lala laughs) Yeah.
And we're the dead people.
Eat pork.
Nom, nom, nom.
We want to get away from here Anywhere just to disappear What will we do, what will we do What will we do when our dreams come true? What will we do, what will we do What will we do when our dreams come true? Young girls Young girls.
My sisters are so perfect, I literally want to kill myself.
I want to get my nose done like this.
Sam will never let you.
Girl, she got the hump on her nose shaved down.
- She told me.
- Sick.
I want to get my lips done.
You can literally do anything.
Kim Kardashian had a varicose vein on her toe and got it removed because she said it was so ugly.
Also I'm fat.
If you're fat, then what the fuck am I? What? Why would you say that? N-No, no, I mean me.
You're perfect.
Take it back.
I-I take it back.
I'm not fat.
But you are perfect.
Shut up.
I know.
I don't want you to move.
Maybe it won't happen.
Also life is long.
Let's get a selfie.
Get this for my side account.
Stand right there.
Yes! (grunting) SAM: Look what I'm gonna do for you.
- (groans) - Every single day I buy just what SAM: Whose house is this gonna be? (high-pitched): Whose house? Whose house? Jesus.
You feed me Every single day Sacrifice for my Wait, how do you? Every single day "Feisty Ferret Home.
" Okay.
"One piece is rail F.
" Oh, just like I But they don't tell you what it is.
"Top panel.
" 8B Not rail 8, rail F.
But what do you how do you put 'em? You don't know, because you don't count, people.
They're all the same part.
I kill, I kill you.
(groaning) (sighs) (sighs) (sniffs) Hey, buddy.
Hi! I know.
But can you come over a little earlier? Like, an hour or two? I think, uh, you assumed it was the dog or something.
And I was actually the one who left that thing on your rug.
Bro - I know.
- (groans) This is amends? (chuckles): Damn.
I don't think I want to hear any more.
- (clears throat) - Listen, I saved that for last, okay? That's it.
I think.
At least that's everything that I can - remember.
- Okay.
(clears throat) (Sam groans, exhales) So Oh.
I go now? I see.
Well, then I don't I didn't know uh, what the protocol is, because I don't attend the meetings, so What is required of me, is it curtsy? I absolve you of all your shittynesseses.
All gone.
It's o Okay.
(chuckles) You did okay.
All right.
That's all done.
Well, thank you for helping me do boy things and hand things.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- (clears throat) - So, Sunny goes next? Yeah.
She just texted, and she's waiting in the car.
So, is her - Is her stuff in that book, too? - That's right.
- Pretty much the whole thing.
- Mm-hmm.
(clicks tongue) What can I get you? I have LaCroix and O'Doul's.
Good, yeah.
Copy you.
Okay, you did That was weird and interesting.
The floor thing, though.
(groans) Dad? What's up, buddy? Dad? Spider.
What are you doing? I found a bottle.
That's cool.
Are you coming to Pine People with us? Oh.
I wish, buddy.
But, look, you're gonna have fun with Auntie Sam tonight, right? I guess.
I got you tomorrow.
- I know! - Okay.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, buddy.
You want to go upstairs and get Duke and Pepper? - Yeah.
- Grab 'em, and we'll-we'll go.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Here you go.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
SAM: I'm just gonna get the kids and then change really quick.
We're gonna leave.
You guys can have the house all to yourselves.
It's not gonna be awkward.
Everybody's happy.
You guys ready to go? JEFF: Let's go to the soup.
Uh, I'm sorry when I put laxatives in your mom's soup.
- Oh.
- (Jeff sighs) It's anybody's guess.
I have no Are you serious? Oh, this one's a doozy.
I'm sorry for the time that I Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom.
- (groans) - What?! No.
I think.
I'm sorry for the time when you broke your shoulder.
Remember that? And, uh, and then I stole all your Percocet.
Are you fu I was in so much pain.
It's probably for the better.
Those things really dehydrate you, and you wouldn't have been able to take a shit for a while.
So, I feel like we're covering a lot so far.
This This one is, uh It's deeper.
Uh, so, I'm, uh I'm s I'm s Tombstone I'm sorry for the time when I fingered your sister in the bathroom at your birthday party.
(clears throat) Which one? Well, I don't Your 38th, - I think.
I don't - No, which sister? (exhales) - Uh, maybe take it up with her.
- You know, it - Let's get to the - Ask her.
I probably have - her contact information.
- Go-go to the next one.
Just go to the next one.
And when I told you I was getting a vasectomy and I didn't, I'm sorry about that.
Although, you know, I'm not sorry for Sorrow.
I am also sorry that I stole your brother's identity and tried - to use it to - You know you were basically medicated for our entire relationship, right? Yeah.
Um, so, I just have a few more, if And then what? Then you're gonna make up for 19 years of asshole bullshit? You gonna power-wash my driveway, Jeff? Look, I know I can't make up for everything, all right? But I really am willing to-to put the effort in.
How's Reiki? What? How's she doing? She's good.
You know, she's fine.
Is it different? Different? Fucking someone when you're sober.
Well, I don't-I don't I haven't really thought about it like that.
I But I guess.
We never did a sober bone.
- Uh, yeah.
- (scoffs) - Oh, my God.
- I mean, I was pretty - pretty faced for a lot of those years.
- (sighs) - Yeah.
- But now Now what? Now you're just a good fucking guy or something? (scoffs) (chuckles softly) What? Nothing.
(inhales) So, how is Mark doing? He's fine.
And obviously You know.
Everything between Well, things with us, that would all be grandfathered in.
Right? I mean, those are those are the rules.
We didn't write 'em.
We just (whistles) play by 'em.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
JEFF: Hmm.
about me, oh Really? Getting old Yeah.
I can't help you now.
- (door closes) - Hi.
Uh, two pedicures and one manicure.
Ingrown pedicure? Hi.
Oh, hi.
You go to Lily.
I'll do you, baby.
Come here.
No fair.
I never get her.
DEBRA: Ooh, pretty color.
(chuckles) We've been married 17 year.
Make me want to vomit.
(gags) Why do you stay married? Uh, I'm waiting for my baby to go to college.
- Then I get rid of my husband.
- (chuckles softly) My son, he a doctor.
My daughter got full ride to UCLA.
My middle daughter is engineering science at U of T.
- Very difficult program.
- Yeah, that's amazing.
I can't figure out how to make enough money.
Hey, I come here 15 year old.
Barefoot, pregnant, on a raft.
Like how you see all those people on the news right now? That was me.
(speaking Vietnamese) (chuckles) What does that mean? Those who are diligent in working will prosper.
Then you don't need a man.
(chuckles) What do you do? Uh, I'm a hostess at a restaurant.
- Ah, that good.
You're working.
- Yeah.
I do nail.
Make a fortune.
You know, it's not about how you make your money.
It's about how you save your money.
Then hide your money.
(Max laughs) - I opened up an IRA account.
- Mm.
Yeah, I put ten percent of every paycheck I make into it.
Well, my boss told me to do it.
My sister helped me.
You No offense to my mom, but I don't want to be like her.
Like, always worrying about money and, like, having to work when I'm old.
That what you do so you don't depend on anybody and nobody suck on you.
Ingrown pedicure! You have smart girl.
- Mm.
- DEBRA: She so smart.
And she so pretty, like model.
(chuckles) You want massage today? How about waxing? - Let's do Wizard of Oz treatment.
Yeah? - MAX: Yes.
- I want everywhere.
- SAM: Actually, yes.
- Yes on a wax.
- Really, Mom? You? Serious? Yeah-huh.
I just want to get ahead of a situation that's happening.
I need a little maintenance.
It's patchy.
And I want to do what a balding guy does.
Just own it and not other people going, "Uh Uh" I think it's time.
It's a bald spot.
And I want to be brave, like Jon Cryer was when he finally shaved his head.
(both hiss) (chuckles) It's so funny seeing you get your butt powdered.
Just like the old days.
- Right, baby? - Mom.
HILDA: Okay, you're done.
It look nice, baby.
What if you need to make a caca? That's gonna hurt.
Okay, Mama, you're up.
(clears throat) Rethinking.
(groans) (exhales) Oh.
What do you think? Do we look alike? Like mother, like daughter? Are the gobblers the same? MAX: Oh, my God.
(snickers) I'm getting out of here.
- No.
- Meet me outside.
- Thank you so much.
- No! - You're welcome, baby.
- You have to hold my hand! What if I need you to put a comb under my tongue?! Go ahead.
Leave nothing but the bones.
You will look young and pretty.
Oh, thank you very much.
(groans) (groans) Like 18 again.
Oh, can you get me a Mario? - You guys steal mine.
- (phone buzzing) (clears throat) Hello.
Hi, Sam.
It's Mal.
How are you? Uh, good.
New phone, though.
Who dis? Your manager, Mal Martone.
Oh! Ha! Oh, hi! Guess what I got you.
- What? - I got you a gig doing remotes on my client Jessica Barden's show.
She's fabulous.
Yeah, I know her.
I just saw her.
She told me about this.
She wants to contact you about it.
It was my idea to put you guys together.
You're both so real.
She has a certain damaged quality to her, just like you.
I think it's a match made in heaven.
She'll tell you it was her idea, but it was my idea.
- WOMAN: Dave! - Oh.
Thank you.
Dave! Dave! I am looking for a little boy! He's seven years old! Okay, what does he look like? Um, he has short brown hair.
He's skinny.
I don't know whether he's outside - or still in the store.
- Okay.
- Uh, what's he wearing? - Uh, shorts and a yellow striped T-shirt.
- Uh, I'll go this way.
- Okay.
We're gonna find him! Dave? - Dave? Dave? - Don't worry, we're gonna - Dave? - Dave? Dave? - Dave? - (Sam humming) Dave? Excuse me.
- So sorry.
- Have you seen a little boy in, like, a yellow striped shirt? Sorry.
- Dave? - Dave? WOMAN: Oh, thank God.
(chuckles) - SAM: See? - (woman sighs) Ooh! Yes.
Thank you so much.
- We're just glad you found him.
- (sighs) - I was so scared.
- Oh, my God.
- Scared us.
(scolding in Spanish) Take care! - (scolding continues) - See that? That's the circle of life right there.
You want to kill yourself when they're gone, and you want to murder them when you get 'em back.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
Remember us, from before? This is my-my bag.
My-my actual bag.
We just went on a manhunt.
Good that everybody (chuckles) stayed in line.
Employees, too.
Stayed at your posts.
Line didn't even move one inch.
(chuckles) Dave is fine, by the way.
He was successfully reunited with his mother.
Not that any of you people care.
Because you're waiting to buy clothing that was made by tiny children who have yet to be reunited with their parents, if ever.
It's fine.
I am so proud of you.
You remember the escape drill.
Childhood training kicks in! Yeah, you just dropped in.
Know your Exits.
Oh, he wants you to go.
(sniffs) Excuse me, th-these ladies are in front of me.
They're waiting and they're people, too, and you're ignoring them.
(stammers) Didn't you think that maybe they can't just stand here forever at their age? (scoffs) I'm only 42, for God's sake.
Jesus Christ.
(groans) - (keys jangle) - (grunts) Ooh! Hi, guys.
Got you some goodies.
(sighs) I had a great day today, Mama.
I had a great day, too.
- Hey, I got you food.
- Thanks.
Um, okay.
What did I get? Did you do your homework? Yes, I swear.
I'm almost done.
I got you socks, an umbrella, - sunglasses and a flashlight.
- (gasps) - (humming) - Cute.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Hey, hey.
Give me some sugar.
- Okay.
- Mwah.
I love you.
- Love you, too.
- Where's your sister? - In her room.
- Okay.
Oh, Jesus.
Come on, guys.
You want to go? You want to go show Frankie? Let's go show your sister.
Come on.
Let's go upstairs.
Let's go upstairs.
Hey, Frankie, I got you some pressie (gasps) Get out Mom! - I'm sorry! - (thunder rumbling) Oh.
(exhales) (groaning) (grunts) Oof.
(exhales) (sighs) (sighs) Oof.
MAX: Come in.
(knocking continues) Come in! (sighs) What? I Mm.
(exhales) Mom, spit it out.
Getting ready for work.
I-I just was in Frankie-kie's room, and there's a boy in there.
(chuckles) So what, Mom? It's not Jason.
I don't know that gentleman caller.
Okay, Mom, it's okay.
(inhales, exhales) He looks old.
Mom, she's the youngest person in her school.
She's trying to fit in.
That's what happens.
Oh, God.
I never should've skipped her.
I thought you said Frankie was a boy.
Mom, I never said that.
I don't want to talk about it - (groans) - The same girl Always gets me down - Mm.
- She don't give a fuck - About me - (groans) Just knows how to turn my heart around I saw you running around town It snuffed my cardiac fire Then you flash me a smile now My heart's a burning pile Of General tires Let's talk about it Oh-oh Ah-ah Yeah Oh-oh Ah-ah Yeah.

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