Beverly Hills, 90210 (1990) s01e08 Episode Script
The 17-Year Itch
Dinner wasn't that bad once we got past the two-hour wait.
It was just so damn loud in there, we couldn't even talk.
We were lucky even to get in there.
Everybody wants to eat there.
Yeah, that's this month.
Now I know why everybody's so thin here.
By the time you get served, you've lost your appetite.
You know, it's our first anniversary away from home in 17 years.
Honey, this is our home now.
Jim, you have to work on our anniversary? The IRS doesn't know it's our anniversary.
But I'll take a personal exemption.
Remember our first anniversary? - We ate dinner in bed.
- Yeah, I'm getting hungry.
So you really like the ties I gave you? I'll tell you all about it later.
Jim, whoa.
I mean, couldn't we talk a little first? Let's talk.
- I just need to feel a little intimate.
- I know.
But I'm sorry, honey, I gotta put another hour of work in.
I'll go downstairs so I don't bother you.
You couldn't feel the tension between Mom and Dad at breakfast? No, because there was nothing to feel.
When Mom doesn't slice Dad's grapefruit and when Dad grabs Mom's gardening section, - you know something's down and dirty.
- Yeah, your imagination.
Come on, Brenda, they're married.
They're supposed to be crabby.
They never used to be that way.
Yo, West Beverly! Hey, get on up and get down 'Cause I won't be around This my goodbye song and I'm gonna skip town DJ Mike MC has gotta leave So watch out all you DJ wannabes You better get up and get down and do your chores 'Cause the next voice that you hear could be yours Peace.
Imagine being the school DJ.
Everyone being forced to listen to you.
You should.
- Your mouth's big enough.
- Yeah, right, come on.
Freshman DJ? Dream on.
- Come on, man, why not? - Why not? Because he'll be competing with me.
I rest my case.
So what do you think? How would you like to participate in my professor friend's twin study at the University? She's got a couple of sets of identicals from Beverly High, but she's desperate for fraternals.
- A college study.
Cool.
- No.
No way.
I hate those zoos.
I'm not gonna be a guinea pig.
Well, these particular guinea pigs get money and a time off from school, but I respect your feelings.
Well, no, no.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, this could be interesting.
Now, I've read about those studies where they send one far away.
That's what we're talking about here, Miss Rye, right? - Brenda in Siberia? - Oh, well, anything for science, right? Oh, these are gorgeous.
And I want some.
Oh They are stunning.
- Plants do better in clay.
- Yeah.
You know, I don't know anything about cactus.
Look.
- What? - There.
Oh, God! Lots of locos around here.
Come on.
Wait! Cindy? Glen! Oh, my God.
How are you? Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I see you still have your feet planted on the ground.
Yeah, and you're still hiding behind your camera lenses.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is my assistant, Anna Rodriguez.
Glen Evans.
- An old friend.
- Very old.
How long has it been? - Twenty years? - Graduation, right? - Oh, yes.
- You wore black.
It's been too long.
I didn't even realize who you were when I just took your picture now.
Oh.
So, what are you doing here? My friend owns this nursery.
He needed some catalogue photos, and I had some spare time.
No, I mean in L.
A.
This is home now.
I got burnt out on all that traveling.
I needed to put my tripod and ego on shaky ground.
I clipped all your National Geographic photos.
I always figured you for a National G lifer.
Oh, I even framed your Pulitzer prize winner.
It was breathtaking.
You, too.
- You look wonderful.
- Yeah, right.
- All my soiled splendor.
- How about Jim? Same old Jim.
He's fine.
We're fine.
- We've got two kids.
- Twins, right? I read about it in the alumni magazine.
And you? No wedding ring? Me? Still crazy and living with my lenses after all these years.
Well, you and your lenses have to come to dinner.
Come on, I'll get you a good deal on that.
Okay, dinner and dessert.
The other guys and I barely got the exposed film out on time.
Tiananmen Square sounds intense.
Where else have you shot? Oh, come on, I don't want to bore you with any more of this.
- Oh, we never hear stories like this.
- Yeah, come on.
Nothing compares to the riot your dad and I caused when we worked together.
When was that? Oh, come on, you know, when I wrote for the college literary rag.
Yeah, that's how your parents met.
- I was going out with your mom.
- You and Mom went out? Only a few times.
On our one-month anniversary, she came to see me.
And stupid cupid me, I introduced her to your dad.
- Worst mistake of my life.
- They met through you? How romantic.
Dad, I didn't know you worked on a magazine.
No.
- With me, it was just amateur hour.
- Oh, nonsense.
Come on.
Your old man had a lot of potential in that area.
Who would have thought you'd end up crunching numbers, Jim? Right.
I'd like to join you on this stroll down memory lane, but I'm on a killer deadline.
Let me tell you, Glen, audited people really know how to riot.
- Good night.
- I've enjoyed comparing lives.
Don't work too hard, honey, I'll be up soon.
- Good night, kids.
- Wow, how'd it get to be so late? Brandon and I turn into twin guinea pigs first thing in the morning.
Yeah, they're gonna shock us into pretending Brenda's as good as I am.
But we all know that I'm really better.
Sometimes they're just like an old married couple.
Twins.
Double the pleasure.
A photographer's dream.
You know, I'd like to shoot you two.
- Yin meets yang.
- Wow.
- Give me a call, we'll set something up.
- Great.
- Good night, Glen.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mom.
- Good night.
You have made Brenda's year.
- They're a great set of kids.
- Yeah.
You know, Glen's a guy whose life I'd actually want when I'm older.
Yeah, he's super, except I think he's got the hots for Mom.
For Mom? Dream on.
That was very funny.
Oh, I was so embarrassed.
I haven't thought about that in years.
- More coffee? - No.
Thanks.
Oh, I read about you and that model.
Well, that lasted a second.
Actually, I just ended a long-term relationship with a foreign correspondent in El Salvador.
She lost a lot.
I'm gonna show you my L.
A.
You will fall in love with it.
Where's this testing centre, anyway? When we hear the torture screams, we'll know we've arrived.
I could get used to this.
Yeah, this is seriously cool.
This'll be us in a couple years, Bren.
Do you think we'll go to the same place? Our lives could get set here.
Yeah, Mom and Dad met at college.
Don't you ever wonder how people stay together all that time? I think when you find the right person, like Mom and Dad did, it just happens.
Yeah, but don't you even think about how Mom and Dad found each other? I mean, they're so far apart.
It's like they're so different they're the same.
Yeah, well, they didn't seem so similar at 3:00 this morning when Mom was downstairs alone with Glen.
- You know, she never stays up that late.
- I thought we buried this one already.
Come on, maybe the research centers over here.
Trust me, Brandon.
We have arrived.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You're next.
- You wish.
You gotta see L.
A.
In a convertible, otherwise you'll miss it.
I love it.
I had no idea.
- Great colors.
- Everything is so vibrant and alive.
- Here we are.
- It's like being in a different world.
- Oh, it's wonderful.
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, this is so - Not Minnesota.
You know, the good news about it being so transient here is that things and people don't get stuck.
You gotta scratch the surface here.
There are plenty of folks doing interesting, cutting-edge work.
It is a different world.
- So how's married life? - Great.
Seventeen years.
That's a marathon.
Make it sound like an endurance test.
This one is less natural.
It's almost manipulated.
Oh, well, don't hold back now.
No, seriously.
I have always liked the way you tell me exactly what you think.
So, tell me what you're thinking.
That you and Jim are like night and day.
I never really knew him that well, but he seems harder to read than ever.
You know what they say about opposites.
We attract.
We're like teenage mutant twins.
Hi, I'm Harriet Strathmore.
And welcome to Noah's Ark's den of scientific sin.
We'll start with some ESP games.
Okay, Brandon, concentrate.
What playing card is your sister looking at? Eight.
Gotta be.
That's my lucky number.
Ten of hearts.
Queen of spades.
How did you do that? He cheated.
The cards have gotta be marked.
So, anyway, we were separated at birth.
- When I was five, I had the worst - Stomach ache.
It turned out I was about to have appendicitis.
Yeah, well, last Friday, I knew my sister was gonna be upset.
Brandon, that's because you knew I was having an English quiz.
Now, try not to get too competitive with these IQ tests.
No one ever aces these.
Do you remember the first time I met you? You offered me some of your Swedish ivy to transplant.
Well, we've come a long way since the University of Minnesota.
Do you ever play "what if"? Like, what if you hadn't met Jim? - Would you have really liked me? - You bet.
You know, I was pretty conceited back then.
And you were the only one who wasn't impressed.
But I was.
I just tried hard not to show it.
Oh, I can't believe how late it is.
I've got to be going.
Must be nice having people waiting.
Yeah, it's nice.
I will only let you escape if you come to my opening tomorrow.
Sure.
We'd love to.
Absolutely extraordinary, and Glen's backlighting.
Oh, he just has the most sensitive touch.
Jim, are you listening? I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just spacing out.
It was the first time I actually felt at home here.
- You've just got to see the canals.
- I don't have time.
Maybe Glen can hang out like a perpetual teenager.
There's not too many teenagers who've won every creative award possible.
It's easier to do when you don't have to bring home the bacon to a family in Beverly Hills.
You sound just like my father.
- Hey.
- No.
Honey, it's late.
So warm up those voices, it's DJ time.
Yo, West Beverly, my name is Dave I'm gonna give to you all the songs that you crave And all the babes are gonna be my slave And all from a guy Who don't even shave Word So do you wanna go to an art party tonight? - Definitely.
- My mom's a friend of the artist.
He's supposed to shoot photos of me and Brandon tomorrow.
You could be like a famous model.
Brenda Brinkley, Brenda Evangelista.
So this guy's gorgeous, right? Yeah, I wish he'd flirt with me rather than my mom.
I think he's trying to have an affair with her or something.
Men.
They can never settle for just being friends.
Yeah, but my mom is acting really weird.
Almost like a teenager.
Mom, what you're wearing is great.
Oh, I don't know.
Something's a little off.
How about this one? Well, it's cool, too.
But what's the difference? I just can't decide.
You sound like me.
Are you wearing perfume? Well, it's not perfume.
It's just toilet water.
You know, Bren, I was thinking, since you're Miss Figure-It-Out, you ought to take over figuring out all our chores.
Did I miss something? Yeah, according to that twin study, Brenda's a brainiac at quantitative analysis.
Oh, just my dream to be a math teacher.
Brandon is Mr English.
The other IQ test results are in the mail.
Yeah, along with my long-lost anniversary present.
Yeah, I don't really believe in all these tests anyway.
I mean, who needs to know this stuff? I think it's interesting to learn more about yourself.
Oh, I'll get it.
- Hello? - Hi.
- Guess what? - You're not coming, right? - Right, I'm stuck.
- Oh, well.
- What, you're not going to impale me? - Well, work comes first, right? - We'll miss you.
- Right.
Me, too.
- Bye.
- Okay.
Bye.
Well, you seen one snapshot, you seen them all, huh? Bob, did you always aspire to be an accountant? Oh, sure.
After my professional baseball career folded at the age of 12.
- You? - Poetry.
Not exactly lucrative.
Yeah, well.
Let's see if we can find some poetry in these numbers.
Right.
- Glen is the coolest.
- I told you.
Too cool for my mom.
Cool enough to take your picture though.
You're right, Mom doesn't fit in here.
Sticking out here is fitting in.
So, Bren, what's your brilliant, deep, quantitative analysis here, huh? A woman.
A very lonely woman.
And what's your superficial word on the subject, Brandon? I don't know, she looks confused, she looks lost.
No, you're both wrong.
It's called Dancing With Myself.
See? You two will be up there soon.
My newest subjects.
Excuse me.
Glen, it's been so long.
Debera.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Join me for a breath of fresh smog.
I need a break.
Where are they going? How does it feel to be such a success? I wouldn't know.
You are the most modest conceited man I've ever met.
You're the one who's a success.
No, really.
You have a family, stability.
These are all images here, except for you.
You go home and I stay and I toast myself.
There are plenty of beautiful glasses for the great artist to clink.
Plastic ones.
You get past a certain age, the great women get taken.
I worked hard and now I find myself alone.
I'm ready to settle down, but I'm not willing to settle, Cindy.
It's too bad Jim missed you here in your glory.
You're the one that got away.
We could be in the midst of a great adventure in the Himalayas.
Freedom fantasies.
I can just see me riding on a camel with a ring in my nose and bells on my toes.
Jim would just die seeing me like that.
They were gone 20 minutes from the gallery.
What would they have to talk about for 20 minutes? All those gorgeous women, and he picked your mom.
I mean, she never listens to music like this.
Oh, my mom always does.
Not necessarily a recommendation.
No offence.
Listen, what are the signs of You know, when your parents aren't getting along? Divorce signs? Let's see, my mom spiffs up, acts goofier than usual, irresponsible.
"Like a schoolgirl," she says.
I never thought I'd want to know this, but what's it like being a divorced kid? Oh, it's not that bad.
Okay, the arguing and the gross polite silences stop, but the fallout is major.
Your parents get these new lives.
And you're a left-out leftover.
- Hey, there, scholars.
- Hey, Mr Walsh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You missed a lot at the opening, Dad.
When my dad started coming in late, my mom said the honeymoon was definitely over.
- Jim? - Hi.
- You're home early.
- It's 10:30.
Is it? Oh.
Turns out that audit should have gone to Bob and a more senior partner.
I'm gonna have a rough couple weeks.
But then, maybe we can find some time together.
Jim, you've been saying that since we moved here.
Maybe you just don't want time with me anymore.
Just admit it.
Well, maybe you give me such a hard time, I don't want the time.
Aren't you even gonna ask about the opening, about my day? I'm tired, honey.
I forgot, sex is the biggie.
My mother says that goes first.
My mom doesn't even talk about that.
They probably don't even have sex.
You and Brandon were immaculately conceived, right? Having us was enough to scare them off forever.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What do you mean, "Don't worry"? Last time Mom didn't cut Dad's grapefruit, but today she didn't even buy him one.
And he tossed her gardening section before she even read it.
So they're getting on each other's nerves, so what? - This study's getting on my nerves.
- That fits in with your personality profile.
You avoid probing beneath the surface and have a tendency to gloss things over with words.
Thank you.
And you're more intuitive.
Open, but impressionable.
Two peas in a pod, right? Let's play some behavioral roulette.
Tell me about what goes on at home.
Well, it used to be pretty cool for home.
But now there's super tension.
Dad's just tired and Mom's wired about You're as blind as Dad.
You men, you think if you don't deal with stuff it'll just go away.
- Brenda, what would you do? - I'd stop it.
I'd try and get Mom and Dad back like they used to be.
I'd butt out, let them work it out! They'll be better off without your scientific meddling, and so will we.
Brandon! Just one big happy family, huh? Why won't you talk about this? It's just like what Professor Strathmore said.
You're scared to look at it.
You really are just like Dad.
So open.
And you're carrying on like Mom at her most unrelenting.
- Sometimes I hate being your twin.
- Ditto.
Brandon, I'm telling you, Mom and Dad are at this danger point.
I mean, divorce is considered cool out here.
Look, all Mom and Dad need is a little time together - and a lot of sex.
- You really think they still do that? Well, grow up, Bren, what do you think it means when their door is locked? Yeah, well, the door hasn't been locked lately.
And if they do split up, what happens? We switch off parents? Hey, don't worry.
We're stuck together.
Cindy, the plants, estan tan lindas.
I'm sorry this job is almost over.
Hi, it's Glen.
I've called four times.
Are you out making landscaping history again? Call me.
Life's so damn crazy sometimes.
Assuming it's true, which I'm not, what are we supposed to do? Sit them down and have a kid-to-parent talk? No, you can't talk to parents on that mature a level.
Tragic, but true.
I could get Mom some trashy lingerie and say that it was from Dad.
Dad would never get her that.
Well, see, that's it.
I mean, maybe she wants that.
I got it.
We'll rent them a limo and say it's a belated anniversary present from us and Dad.
They can go out to a club, have a good time No, no, no, that's pure Glen.
We have to give them back what they once had.
- Rekindle the flame.
- Yeah.
- Sure I can't help? - Nope, nope, nope.
We got everything totally under control.
It smells done.
Honey, don't hurt their feelings.
This is really very sweet of them.
How are we gonna make it to Glen's photo session on time? I feel weird even going.
But, it'll give Mom and Dad some time alone.
Are they talking? They're not.
Here, put some of these carrots on here.
It's weird how suddenly we can't even talk to each other.
Or be with each other.
I have a vague memory of what sex is like.
Honey, what do you expect? I mean, you come home from the office and you're so absentee.
Nothing is lonelier than being in bed with someone you feel alienated from.
Listen, I am in over my head here.
I have been in over my head since we moved here.
Then slow down.
I don't care about big houses and keeping up.
You think I like killing myself like this? And I know it's not as glamorous as what Glen is doing.
Stop hiding behind your damn work! Look, I brought us out here.
I'm not gonna let you down.
Honey, the only way you're letting me down is by being absentee from you and me.
Cindy, it takes two.
You're not exactly around here these days, either.
I'm sorry.
I've got a mountain of work to do.
Come in.
I'm just gonna be here for a minute.
- I've been calling you all day.
- I know.
Listen, we have to talk.
I I got carried away last night.
This isn't me, this isn't who I wanna be.
Look, things aren't that black and white.
I have a surprise for you.
These are you.
You spent all this time on me? They're so beautiful.
So are you.
- I'm falling in love with you.
- No, Glen, you just think you are.
- Oh, this isn't happening.
I can't think.
- There's no need to.
We're already having a mental affair, and that's far more dangerous than a physical one.
Glen, what are we gonna do? Haven't you always wondered what it would be like to make love to each other? We've wanted to do this forever.
No.
I just can't handle this! I still can't believe I bailed on work for this.
- It's for a good cause.
- What, having your picture taken? No, scoping out Dad's competition.
Brenda, just because Mom and Dad are fighting doesn't mean that - Mom's having an affair.
- I can't believe this is really happening.
I just can't imagine Mom doing something like this.
Brandon, if Mom and Dad can fall apart, anything can.
You were up early.
Had a lot on my mind.
Yeah.
I had trouble sleeping, too.
I'm reading an interesting article.
Sports or business? University of Minnesota Literary Journal.
You remember when you wrote that piece? That was when we first met.
"Frost's The Road Not Taken deals with unfulfilled dreams.
" I guess I've been feeling kind of frustrated.
- I'm sorry, honey.
- Don't be.
I was a lot smarter back in those days.
Look at what I wrote.
"Hindsight and regrets make one lose sight of "what's important.
" - No way I was going down without you.
- Going to say something to Mom? - Hi, Dad.
- How you doing, big guy? Fine.
- How'd the photo session go, kids? - Short.
A complete bust.
Mother, skip it.
- Something we didn't say? - Gotta bail, Dad.
But what about something to eat? I mean, you kids always get nauseous without something in your stomachs.
I'm already nauseous.
Lost my appetite.
Not an easy thing to do.
I really wanted to say something, but I just couldn't.
I know.
What would you say? - Isn't there anything that we can do? - We can't fix them, Bren.
I remember when I was a little girl and Dad went away to this accounting convention.
I thought he was gone forever.
I cried and cried.
And then I wished with my magic star wand and then he came back.
My eyes were so puffy, I could barely see him.
Wish I had a bag of tricks, but I don't.
You've been spending a lot of time with Glen.
Some.
I'm gonna go now, too.
I just want you to know I really, really love you.
- Jim.
Hi.
- Hi.
I was headed for work, decided this was more important business to check out.
Enter at your own risk.
It's good.
You were always really, really good.
Thank you.
You've gotten just what you wanted, haven't you, Glen? Not everything.
You know, I used to love writing.
I suppose I wasn't great at it.
Then Cindy and I met, we got married, settled down.
I was great at that.
I remember.
And then when she got pregnant so quickly, I didn't want to take any more risks.
So I took them for you, and you got what we both wanted.
I'm calling that, "The road not taken.
" That's right.
Cindy and I are on that road, for better or worse.
You know, in a marriage, if you're very lucky, you get 99%, but when that other one missing percent bursts in, - it can feel like everything.
- An illusion I'm quite enamored of.
Look, I hate to break up this male bonding, - but - Stop feeding me meaningless lines.
I know what you're up to, Glen.
I see what you're doing behind my back.
Slipping in, buttering everyone up.
- Look, I happen to like your family.
- Then respect it, damn it! You stay out of my home and away from my wife! Look, this has caught me by surprise.
Now some of this is for Cindy to decide, isn't it? Cindy and I are in this together! If you want to finally grow up, then get your own damn family, but don't you dare try and take mine away from me! Our next contestant who's gotta be def-er than our last one is the lovely and talented, that's what we pray does she face it today, the lovely and talented, Donna Martin.
Kick it, Donna! This is Donna, and not Madonna And I wanna, wanna be the voice of West Beverly So So vote for me Please.
Oh, right.
Is this thing on? Good.
'Cause watch out, world, here comes the voice of your choice.
Steve Sanders.
Silver-tongued, golden hair, spirit of young America.
Voice Voice.
Voice - Why isn't he talking? - Mike fright.
Don't stop.
Keep talking.
So why did Kelly Taylor dump you again? She what? Look, get out of my face and off this mike! Why? So we can savor the scintillating sound of dead air again? Yo, West Beverly, this is DJ Dave Now I'm not Vanilla Ice, But chill out and be brave 'Cause I'll rock the microphone for you over the air So you say, who's that freshman check him out, he's aware My God.
I've created a monster.
Just the twins I was looking for.
What's wrong? Things are a little rough at home right now.
I'm sorry if we embarrassed you with your friend.
We were not the most ideal subjects.
Yeah, maybe we're not even twins.
That will be today's family zinger.
No, Harriet thought you were great.
Or as she put it, "Two of a kind.
" I mean, she thinks you're a real team.
Your family is very important to you.
Appreciate each other's strengths.
At least we've got each other.
Yeah, it helps being a team.
I wish Mom and Dad were.
Cindy.
Hi.
Sounds more like bye.
- Still trying to improve my image, huh? - No.
I like everything I see.
I'm glad you're here.
You were right.
We did have a mental affair.
Past tense, huh? Very nice past tense.
I never intended it.
You just made me feel so damn special.
Glad to be of service.
I really like you, - but I really love my husband.
- I know.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
I had a visitor from the better part of my conscience this morning.
He made me realize I couldn't break into your family even if I wanted to.
Yeah.
Well, I'm headed off to an assignment in Canada.
It's real healthy here for transplanted growth.
You and Jim will do just fine.
Glen.
Thanks.
That slimeball has the nerve to come over here? Man, Mom having a nooner.
- What's a nooner? - A nooner, Brenda - Well, it ain't food.
- This is unreal.
Brandon, I don't want Mom and Dad to be over.
Sleazemeister.
Just want you to know that you're a great family.
You all really work well together.
I am so damn glad to see you two.
So what do you think for my new article, The Truth Behind Twin Studies or How to Respect Your Better Half? I'm so respectful of that, Brandon dear.
Are you okay? - Hey, guy.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
Are you okay? It's so early.
Actually, I'm just waking up.
Listen, Jim, I've gotta - Just pack your bags.
- Bags? Kids, you're all right for one night, okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Your Mom and I are going for our third try on our anniversary.
Third time's a charm.
- Listen, Jim, things happened.
- You love me? - Oh, yeah.
- That's all I need to hear.
Where are we going? That was the most romantic thing ever.
Even more than Romeo and Juliet or even Pretty Woman.
Well, I respect your feelings on that.
Oh, and I respect your respect.
Well, I respect your respect of my respect of yours.
- I respect your respect - No, no, no, I respect your respect.
No, no, no.
But I respect your respect
It was just so damn loud in there, we couldn't even talk.
We were lucky even to get in there.
Everybody wants to eat there.
Yeah, that's this month.
Now I know why everybody's so thin here.
By the time you get served, you've lost your appetite.
You know, it's our first anniversary away from home in 17 years.
Honey, this is our home now.
Jim, you have to work on our anniversary? The IRS doesn't know it's our anniversary.
But I'll take a personal exemption.
Remember our first anniversary? - We ate dinner in bed.
- Yeah, I'm getting hungry.
So you really like the ties I gave you? I'll tell you all about it later.
Jim, whoa.
I mean, couldn't we talk a little first? Let's talk.
- I just need to feel a little intimate.
- I know.
But I'm sorry, honey, I gotta put another hour of work in.
I'll go downstairs so I don't bother you.
You couldn't feel the tension between Mom and Dad at breakfast? No, because there was nothing to feel.
When Mom doesn't slice Dad's grapefruit and when Dad grabs Mom's gardening section, - you know something's down and dirty.
- Yeah, your imagination.
Come on, Brenda, they're married.
They're supposed to be crabby.
They never used to be that way.
Yo, West Beverly! Hey, get on up and get down 'Cause I won't be around This my goodbye song and I'm gonna skip town DJ Mike MC has gotta leave So watch out all you DJ wannabes You better get up and get down and do your chores 'Cause the next voice that you hear could be yours Peace.
Imagine being the school DJ.
Everyone being forced to listen to you.
You should.
- Your mouth's big enough.
- Yeah, right, come on.
Freshman DJ? Dream on.
- Come on, man, why not? - Why not? Because he'll be competing with me.
I rest my case.
So what do you think? How would you like to participate in my professor friend's twin study at the University? She's got a couple of sets of identicals from Beverly High, but she's desperate for fraternals.
- A college study.
Cool.
- No.
No way.
I hate those zoos.
I'm not gonna be a guinea pig.
Well, these particular guinea pigs get money and a time off from school, but I respect your feelings.
Well, no, no.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, this could be interesting.
Now, I've read about those studies where they send one far away.
That's what we're talking about here, Miss Rye, right? - Brenda in Siberia? - Oh, well, anything for science, right? Oh, these are gorgeous.
And I want some.
Oh They are stunning.
- Plants do better in clay.
- Yeah.
You know, I don't know anything about cactus.
Look.
- What? - There.
Oh, God! Lots of locos around here.
Come on.
Wait! Cindy? Glen! Oh, my God.
How are you? Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I see you still have your feet planted on the ground.
Yeah, and you're still hiding behind your camera lenses.
Oh, I'm sorry, this is my assistant, Anna Rodriguez.
Glen Evans.
- An old friend.
- Very old.
How long has it been? - Twenty years? - Graduation, right? - Oh, yes.
- You wore black.
It's been too long.
I didn't even realize who you were when I just took your picture now.
Oh.
So, what are you doing here? My friend owns this nursery.
He needed some catalogue photos, and I had some spare time.
No, I mean in L.
A.
This is home now.
I got burnt out on all that traveling.
I needed to put my tripod and ego on shaky ground.
I clipped all your National Geographic photos.
I always figured you for a National G lifer.
Oh, I even framed your Pulitzer prize winner.
It was breathtaking.
You, too.
- You look wonderful.
- Yeah, right.
- All my soiled splendor.
- How about Jim? Same old Jim.
He's fine.
We're fine.
- We've got two kids.
- Twins, right? I read about it in the alumni magazine.
And you? No wedding ring? Me? Still crazy and living with my lenses after all these years.
Well, you and your lenses have to come to dinner.
Come on, I'll get you a good deal on that.
Okay, dinner and dessert.
The other guys and I barely got the exposed film out on time.
Tiananmen Square sounds intense.
Where else have you shot? Oh, come on, I don't want to bore you with any more of this.
- Oh, we never hear stories like this.
- Yeah, come on.
Nothing compares to the riot your dad and I caused when we worked together.
When was that? Oh, come on, you know, when I wrote for the college literary rag.
Yeah, that's how your parents met.
- I was going out with your mom.
- You and Mom went out? Only a few times.
On our one-month anniversary, she came to see me.
And stupid cupid me, I introduced her to your dad.
- Worst mistake of my life.
- They met through you? How romantic.
Dad, I didn't know you worked on a magazine.
No.
- With me, it was just amateur hour.
- Oh, nonsense.
Come on.
Your old man had a lot of potential in that area.
Who would have thought you'd end up crunching numbers, Jim? Right.
I'd like to join you on this stroll down memory lane, but I'm on a killer deadline.
Let me tell you, Glen, audited people really know how to riot.
- Good night.
- I've enjoyed comparing lives.
Don't work too hard, honey, I'll be up soon.
- Good night, kids.
- Wow, how'd it get to be so late? Brandon and I turn into twin guinea pigs first thing in the morning.
Yeah, they're gonna shock us into pretending Brenda's as good as I am.
But we all know that I'm really better.
Sometimes they're just like an old married couple.
Twins.
Double the pleasure.
A photographer's dream.
You know, I'd like to shoot you two.
- Yin meets yang.
- Wow.
- Give me a call, we'll set something up.
- Great.
- Good night, Glen.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mom.
- Good night.
You have made Brenda's year.
- They're a great set of kids.
- Yeah.
You know, Glen's a guy whose life I'd actually want when I'm older.
Yeah, he's super, except I think he's got the hots for Mom.
For Mom? Dream on.
That was very funny.
Oh, I was so embarrassed.
I haven't thought about that in years.
- More coffee? - No.
Thanks.
Oh, I read about you and that model.
Well, that lasted a second.
Actually, I just ended a long-term relationship with a foreign correspondent in El Salvador.
She lost a lot.
I'm gonna show you my L.
A.
You will fall in love with it.
Where's this testing centre, anyway? When we hear the torture screams, we'll know we've arrived.
I could get used to this.
Yeah, this is seriously cool.
This'll be us in a couple years, Bren.
Do you think we'll go to the same place? Our lives could get set here.
Yeah, Mom and Dad met at college.
Don't you ever wonder how people stay together all that time? I think when you find the right person, like Mom and Dad did, it just happens.
Yeah, but don't you even think about how Mom and Dad found each other? I mean, they're so far apart.
It's like they're so different they're the same.
Yeah, well, they didn't seem so similar at 3:00 this morning when Mom was downstairs alone with Glen.
- You know, she never stays up that late.
- I thought we buried this one already.
Come on, maybe the research centers over here.
Trust me, Brandon.
We have arrived.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You're next.
- You wish.
You gotta see L.
A.
In a convertible, otherwise you'll miss it.
I love it.
I had no idea.
- Great colors.
- Everything is so vibrant and alive.
- Here we are.
- It's like being in a different world.
- Oh, it's wonderful.
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, this is so - Not Minnesota.
You know, the good news about it being so transient here is that things and people don't get stuck.
You gotta scratch the surface here.
There are plenty of folks doing interesting, cutting-edge work.
It is a different world.
- So how's married life? - Great.
Seventeen years.
That's a marathon.
Make it sound like an endurance test.
This one is less natural.
It's almost manipulated.
Oh, well, don't hold back now.
No, seriously.
I have always liked the way you tell me exactly what you think.
So, tell me what you're thinking.
That you and Jim are like night and day.
I never really knew him that well, but he seems harder to read than ever.
You know what they say about opposites.
We attract.
We're like teenage mutant twins.
Hi, I'm Harriet Strathmore.
And welcome to Noah's Ark's den of scientific sin.
We'll start with some ESP games.
Okay, Brandon, concentrate.
What playing card is your sister looking at? Eight.
Gotta be.
That's my lucky number.
Ten of hearts.
Queen of spades.
How did you do that? He cheated.
The cards have gotta be marked.
So, anyway, we were separated at birth.
- When I was five, I had the worst - Stomach ache.
It turned out I was about to have appendicitis.
Yeah, well, last Friday, I knew my sister was gonna be upset.
Brandon, that's because you knew I was having an English quiz.
Now, try not to get too competitive with these IQ tests.
No one ever aces these.
Do you remember the first time I met you? You offered me some of your Swedish ivy to transplant.
Well, we've come a long way since the University of Minnesota.
Do you ever play "what if"? Like, what if you hadn't met Jim? - Would you have really liked me? - You bet.
You know, I was pretty conceited back then.
And you were the only one who wasn't impressed.
But I was.
I just tried hard not to show it.
Oh, I can't believe how late it is.
I've got to be going.
Must be nice having people waiting.
Yeah, it's nice.
I will only let you escape if you come to my opening tomorrow.
Sure.
We'd love to.
Absolutely extraordinary, and Glen's backlighting.
Oh, he just has the most sensitive touch.
Jim, are you listening? I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just spacing out.
It was the first time I actually felt at home here.
- You've just got to see the canals.
- I don't have time.
Maybe Glen can hang out like a perpetual teenager.
There's not too many teenagers who've won every creative award possible.
It's easier to do when you don't have to bring home the bacon to a family in Beverly Hills.
You sound just like my father.
- Hey.
- No.
Honey, it's late.
So warm up those voices, it's DJ time.
Yo, West Beverly, my name is Dave I'm gonna give to you all the songs that you crave And all the babes are gonna be my slave And all from a guy Who don't even shave Word So do you wanna go to an art party tonight? - Definitely.
- My mom's a friend of the artist.
He's supposed to shoot photos of me and Brandon tomorrow.
You could be like a famous model.
Brenda Brinkley, Brenda Evangelista.
So this guy's gorgeous, right? Yeah, I wish he'd flirt with me rather than my mom.
I think he's trying to have an affair with her or something.
Men.
They can never settle for just being friends.
Yeah, but my mom is acting really weird.
Almost like a teenager.
Mom, what you're wearing is great.
Oh, I don't know.
Something's a little off.
How about this one? Well, it's cool, too.
But what's the difference? I just can't decide.
You sound like me.
Are you wearing perfume? Well, it's not perfume.
It's just toilet water.
You know, Bren, I was thinking, since you're Miss Figure-It-Out, you ought to take over figuring out all our chores.
Did I miss something? Yeah, according to that twin study, Brenda's a brainiac at quantitative analysis.
Oh, just my dream to be a math teacher.
Brandon is Mr English.
The other IQ test results are in the mail.
Yeah, along with my long-lost anniversary present.
Yeah, I don't really believe in all these tests anyway.
I mean, who needs to know this stuff? I think it's interesting to learn more about yourself.
Oh, I'll get it.
- Hello? - Hi.
- Guess what? - You're not coming, right? - Right, I'm stuck.
- Oh, well.
- What, you're not going to impale me? - Well, work comes first, right? - We'll miss you.
- Right.
Me, too.
- Bye.
- Okay.
Bye.
Well, you seen one snapshot, you seen them all, huh? Bob, did you always aspire to be an accountant? Oh, sure.
After my professional baseball career folded at the age of 12.
- You? - Poetry.
Not exactly lucrative.
Yeah, well.
Let's see if we can find some poetry in these numbers.
Right.
- Glen is the coolest.
- I told you.
Too cool for my mom.
Cool enough to take your picture though.
You're right, Mom doesn't fit in here.
Sticking out here is fitting in.
So, Bren, what's your brilliant, deep, quantitative analysis here, huh? A woman.
A very lonely woman.
And what's your superficial word on the subject, Brandon? I don't know, she looks confused, she looks lost.
No, you're both wrong.
It's called Dancing With Myself.
See? You two will be up there soon.
My newest subjects.
Excuse me.
Glen, it's been so long.
Debera.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Join me for a breath of fresh smog.
I need a break.
Where are they going? How does it feel to be such a success? I wouldn't know.
You are the most modest conceited man I've ever met.
You're the one who's a success.
No, really.
You have a family, stability.
These are all images here, except for you.
You go home and I stay and I toast myself.
There are plenty of beautiful glasses for the great artist to clink.
Plastic ones.
You get past a certain age, the great women get taken.
I worked hard and now I find myself alone.
I'm ready to settle down, but I'm not willing to settle, Cindy.
It's too bad Jim missed you here in your glory.
You're the one that got away.
We could be in the midst of a great adventure in the Himalayas.
Freedom fantasies.
I can just see me riding on a camel with a ring in my nose and bells on my toes.
Jim would just die seeing me like that.
They were gone 20 minutes from the gallery.
What would they have to talk about for 20 minutes? All those gorgeous women, and he picked your mom.
I mean, she never listens to music like this.
Oh, my mom always does.
Not necessarily a recommendation.
No offence.
Listen, what are the signs of You know, when your parents aren't getting along? Divorce signs? Let's see, my mom spiffs up, acts goofier than usual, irresponsible.
"Like a schoolgirl," she says.
I never thought I'd want to know this, but what's it like being a divorced kid? Oh, it's not that bad.
Okay, the arguing and the gross polite silences stop, but the fallout is major.
Your parents get these new lives.
And you're a left-out leftover.
- Hey, there, scholars.
- Hey, Mr Walsh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You missed a lot at the opening, Dad.
When my dad started coming in late, my mom said the honeymoon was definitely over.
- Jim? - Hi.
- You're home early.
- It's 10:30.
Is it? Oh.
Turns out that audit should have gone to Bob and a more senior partner.
I'm gonna have a rough couple weeks.
But then, maybe we can find some time together.
Jim, you've been saying that since we moved here.
Maybe you just don't want time with me anymore.
Just admit it.
Well, maybe you give me such a hard time, I don't want the time.
Aren't you even gonna ask about the opening, about my day? I'm tired, honey.
I forgot, sex is the biggie.
My mother says that goes first.
My mom doesn't even talk about that.
They probably don't even have sex.
You and Brandon were immaculately conceived, right? Having us was enough to scare them off forever.
- Bye.
- Bye.
What do you mean, "Don't worry"? Last time Mom didn't cut Dad's grapefruit, but today she didn't even buy him one.
And he tossed her gardening section before she even read it.
So they're getting on each other's nerves, so what? - This study's getting on my nerves.
- That fits in with your personality profile.
You avoid probing beneath the surface and have a tendency to gloss things over with words.
Thank you.
And you're more intuitive.
Open, but impressionable.
Two peas in a pod, right? Let's play some behavioral roulette.
Tell me about what goes on at home.
Well, it used to be pretty cool for home.
But now there's super tension.
Dad's just tired and Mom's wired about You're as blind as Dad.
You men, you think if you don't deal with stuff it'll just go away.
- Brenda, what would you do? - I'd stop it.
I'd try and get Mom and Dad back like they used to be.
I'd butt out, let them work it out! They'll be better off without your scientific meddling, and so will we.
Brandon! Just one big happy family, huh? Why won't you talk about this? It's just like what Professor Strathmore said.
You're scared to look at it.
You really are just like Dad.
So open.
And you're carrying on like Mom at her most unrelenting.
- Sometimes I hate being your twin.
- Ditto.
Brandon, I'm telling you, Mom and Dad are at this danger point.
I mean, divorce is considered cool out here.
Look, all Mom and Dad need is a little time together - and a lot of sex.
- You really think they still do that? Well, grow up, Bren, what do you think it means when their door is locked? Yeah, well, the door hasn't been locked lately.
And if they do split up, what happens? We switch off parents? Hey, don't worry.
We're stuck together.
Cindy, the plants, estan tan lindas.
I'm sorry this job is almost over.
Hi, it's Glen.
I've called four times.
Are you out making landscaping history again? Call me.
Life's so damn crazy sometimes.
Assuming it's true, which I'm not, what are we supposed to do? Sit them down and have a kid-to-parent talk? No, you can't talk to parents on that mature a level.
Tragic, but true.
I could get Mom some trashy lingerie and say that it was from Dad.
Dad would never get her that.
Well, see, that's it.
I mean, maybe she wants that.
I got it.
We'll rent them a limo and say it's a belated anniversary present from us and Dad.
They can go out to a club, have a good time No, no, no, that's pure Glen.
We have to give them back what they once had.
- Rekindle the flame.
- Yeah.
- Sure I can't help? - Nope, nope, nope.
We got everything totally under control.
It smells done.
Honey, don't hurt their feelings.
This is really very sweet of them.
How are we gonna make it to Glen's photo session on time? I feel weird even going.
But, it'll give Mom and Dad some time alone.
Are they talking? They're not.
Here, put some of these carrots on here.
It's weird how suddenly we can't even talk to each other.
Or be with each other.
I have a vague memory of what sex is like.
Honey, what do you expect? I mean, you come home from the office and you're so absentee.
Nothing is lonelier than being in bed with someone you feel alienated from.
Listen, I am in over my head here.
I have been in over my head since we moved here.
Then slow down.
I don't care about big houses and keeping up.
You think I like killing myself like this? And I know it's not as glamorous as what Glen is doing.
Stop hiding behind your damn work! Look, I brought us out here.
I'm not gonna let you down.
Honey, the only way you're letting me down is by being absentee from you and me.
Cindy, it takes two.
You're not exactly around here these days, either.
I'm sorry.
I've got a mountain of work to do.
Come in.
I'm just gonna be here for a minute.
- I've been calling you all day.
- I know.
Listen, we have to talk.
I I got carried away last night.
This isn't me, this isn't who I wanna be.
Look, things aren't that black and white.
I have a surprise for you.
These are you.
You spent all this time on me? They're so beautiful.
So are you.
- I'm falling in love with you.
- No, Glen, you just think you are.
- Oh, this isn't happening.
I can't think.
- There's no need to.
We're already having a mental affair, and that's far more dangerous than a physical one.
Glen, what are we gonna do? Haven't you always wondered what it would be like to make love to each other? We've wanted to do this forever.
No.
I just can't handle this! I still can't believe I bailed on work for this.
- It's for a good cause.
- What, having your picture taken? No, scoping out Dad's competition.
Brenda, just because Mom and Dad are fighting doesn't mean that - Mom's having an affair.
- I can't believe this is really happening.
I just can't imagine Mom doing something like this.
Brandon, if Mom and Dad can fall apart, anything can.
You were up early.
Had a lot on my mind.
Yeah.
I had trouble sleeping, too.
I'm reading an interesting article.
Sports or business? University of Minnesota Literary Journal.
You remember when you wrote that piece? That was when we first met.
"Frost's The Road Not Taken deals with unfulfilled dreams.
" I guess I've been feeling kind of frustrated.
- I'm sorry, honey.
- Don't be.
I was a lot smarter back in those days.
Look at what I wrote.
"Hindsight and regrets make one lose sight of "what's important.
" - No way I was going down without you.
- Going to say something to Mom? - Hi, Dad.
- How you doing, big guy? Fine.
- How'd the photo session go, kids? - Short.
A complete bust.
Mother, skip it.
- Something we didn't say? - Gotta bail, Dad.
But what about something to eat? I mean, you kids always get nauseous without something in your stomachs.
I'm already nauseous.
Lost my appetite.
Not an easy thing to do.
I really wanted to say something, but I just couldn't.
I know.
What would you say? - Isn't there anything that we can do? - We can't fix them, Bren.
I remember when I was a little girl and Dad went away to this accounting convention.
I thought he was gone forever.
I cried and cried.
And then I wished with my magic star wand and then he came back.
My eyes were so puffy, I could barely see him.
Wish I had a bag of tricks, but I don't.
You've been spending a lot of time with Glen.
Some.
I'm gonna go now, too.
I just want you to know I really, really love you.
- Jim.
Hi.
- Hi.
I was headed for work, decided this was more important business to check out.
Enter at your own risk.
It's good.
You were always really, really good.
Thank you.
You've gotten just what you wanted, haven't you, Glen? Not everything.
You know, I used to love writing.
I suppose I wasn't great at it.
Then Cindy and I met, we got married, settled down.
I was great at that.
I remember.
And then when she got pregnant so quickly, I didn't want to take any more risks.
So I took them for you, and you got what we both wanted.
I'm calling that, "The road not taken.
" That's right.
Cindy and I are on that road, for better or worse.
You know, in a marriage, if you're very lucky, you get 99%, but when that other one missing percent bursts in, - it can feel like everything.
- An illusion I'm quite enamored of.
Look, I hate to break up this male bonding, - but - Stop feeding me meaningless lines.
I know what you're up to, Glen.
I see what you're doing behind my back.
Slipping in, buttering everyone up.
- Look, I happen to like your family.
- Then respect it, damn it! You stay out of my home and away from my wife! Look, this has caught me by surprise.
Now some of this is for Cindy to decide, isn't it? Cindy and I are in this together! If you want to finally grow up, then get your own damn family, but don't you dare try and take mine away from me! Our next contestant who's gotta be def-er than our last one is the lovely and talented, that's what we pray does she face it today, the lovely and talented, Donna Martin.
Kick it, Donna! This is Donna, and not Madonna And I wanna, wanna be the voice of West Beverly So So vote for me Please.
Oh, right.
Is this thing on? Good.
'Cause watch out, world, here comes the voice of your choice.
Steve Sanders.
Silver-tongued, golden hair, spirit of young America.
Voice Voice.
Voice - Why isn't he talking? - Mike fright.
Don't stop.
Keep talking.
So why did Kelly Taylor dump you again? She what? Look, get out of my face and off this mike! Why? So we can savor the scintillating sound of dead air again? Yo, West Beverly, this is DJ Dave Now I'm not Vanilla Ice, But chill out and be brave 'Cause I'll rock the microphone for you over the air So you say, who's that freshman check him out, he's aware My God.
I've created a monster.
Just the twins I was looking for.
What's wrong? Things are a little rough at home right now.
I'm sorry if we embarrassed you with your friend.
We were not the most ideal subjects.
Yeah, maybe we're not even twins.
That will be today's family zinger.
No, Harriet thought you were great.
Or as she put it, "Two of a kind.
" I mean, she thinks you're a real team.
Your family is very important to you.
Appreciate each other's strengths.
At least we've got each other.
Yeah, it helps being a team.
I wish Mom and Dad were.
Cindy.
Hi.
Sounds more like bye.
- Still trying to improve my image, huh? - No.
I like everything I see.
I'm glad you're here.
You were right.
We did have a mental affair.
Past tense, huh? Very nice past tense.
I never intended it.
You just made me feel so damn special.
Glad to be of service.
I really like you, - but I really love my husband.
- I know.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
I had a visitor from the better part of my conscience this morning.
He made me realize I couldn't break into your family even if I wanted to.
Yeah.
Well, I'm headed off to an assignment in Canada.
It's real healthy here for transplanted growth.
You and Jim will do just fine.
Glen.
Thanks.
That slimeball has the nerve to come over here? Man, Mom having a nooner.
- What's a nooner? - A nooner, Brenda - Well, it ain't food.
- This is unreal.
Brandon, I don't want Mom and Dad to be over.
Sleazemeister.
Just want you to know that you're a great family.
You all really work well together.
I am so damn glad to see you two.
So what do you think for my new article, The Truth Behind Twin Studies or How to Respect Your Better Half? I'm so respectful of that, Brandon dear.
Are you okay? - Hey, guy.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
Are you okay? It's so early.
Actually, I'm just waking up.
Listen, Jim, I've gotta - Just pack your bags.
- Bags? Kids, you're all right for one night, okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Your Mom and I are going for our third try on our anniversary.
Third time's a charm.
- Listen, Jim, things happened.
- You love me? - Oh, yeah.
- That's all I need to hear.
Where are we going? That was the most romantic thing ever.
Even more than Romeo and Juliet or even Pretty Woman.
Well, I respect your feelings on that.
Oh, and I respect your respect.
Well, I respect your respect of my respect of yours.
- I respect your respect - No, no, no, I respect your respect.
No, no, no.
But I respect your respect