Bewitched (1964) s01e05 Episode Script

Good morning, darling.
Or should I be more specific and say, "Good 4:00 in the morning"? - What are you doing up so early? - I'm not up early.
I'm up late.
One party after another.
I haven't been to bed yet.
And neither have you, apparently.
Well, it's typical, typical.
- Of what? - Of the neglected housewife drinking coffee, eaten alive by suspicion her husband out till the wee small hours of the morning, doing whatever it is he's doing.
- Darrin's working in the study.
You're joking.
No.
He's been working till the wee small hours every night this week.
Oh, well.
Lust is lust, I suppose.
Whether it's for women or money, it's all the same.
It has nothing to do with lust.
He's creating a new campaign for Caldwell's Soup.
Ambition.
Thoroughly immoral and foolishly mortal.
Darrin's a very dedicated man.
So was Caesar, and all it got him was a torn toga.
He was such a nice man too.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to take Darrin some coffee.
Very well.
And you can tell what's-his-name that any man with a wife like you who spends every night with a can of soup must be even less than human.
Sweetheart, you've been up all night.
You'll get sick.
I will not get sick.
I am sick.
Well, nothing's worth your killing yourself.
I won't have this.
Don't worry, sweetheart, I'll be fine.
- What time is it? - About 8:30.
Eight-thirty, I'll miss the train.
Excuse me, honey, I have to take my shower.
Darrin? What's this sudden urgency about Caldwell's Soup anyway? I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I can't hear a word you're saying.
"What was good enough for Dad is good enough for me.
" "Always a winner, Caldwell's Soup.
" "Game called on account of soup.
" Oh, that's very clever.
You understand what I mean, honey? Competition.
At one time Caldwell's Soup was the only packaged soup on the market.
Now there are 40 brands.
Would you get my suit that just came from the cleaners? - Sure.
- And a clean shirt, please, honey.
- I think those layouts are cute.
- Cute? Uninspired, pedestrian trash, that's what they are.
But they're close.
Just misses it, misses.
- Here you are.
- Oh, thanks.
I don't know what you're worried about.
After all, you are the best advertising man in the world.
Thank you, honey.
Up till today, I wouldn't argue the point.
But in advertising, you're just as good as your last battle.
Caldwell's sales are falling off.
They're ready to go to another agency.
Well, I don't think that's fair.
You've been selling their soup for so long.
Old man Caldwell keeps yammering about being so close to the forest you can't see the trees.
You'll get it, I know you will.
It had better be before noon, because I'm having lunch with Caldwell.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm losing my touch.
Darrin? Suppose you use some familiar expressions with double meanings.
For instance instead of a farmer make this fellow a fisherman.
Put in a background like the sea and instead of chicken okra make it bouillabaisse and the billboard could read: "A pretty kettle of fish.
" A pretty kettle of fish.
A pretty kettle of fish.
Now, for instance, in the poker game maybe you could take out the lady - Yeah.
put the soup in the middle of the table and this one could read: "The pot's right.
" - The pot's right.
Caldwell's Soup.
- Like it? It's perfect.
Now, this one instead of baseball hats and gloves they could wear astronaut helmets and carry jet planes and the billboard could read: - "The race for space - Yeah? at the table - Yeah? when you serve Caldwell's Soup.
" - How about that? - Incredible.
You really like it? They're the answer to all the problems.
These will cinch the account.
- Here, sweetheart, put them in here.
- Oh, okay.
There you go.
Thank you, honey.
These will knock Old man Caldwell right on his Of course, why didn't I see it before? It was you.
- You did it.
- Did what? Lay out a solution of the campaign and hand it to me on a silver platter.
I was only trying to help.
Sam, I don't want that kind of help.
I told you, magic was out.
- But there was no magic in what I did.
- Well, what would you call it? I'd call it imagination.
I do have some, you know.
Come on, Sam.
I don't have that kind of imagination, and I'm a professional.
- Darrin, all I tried to do was - I know what you tried to do.
And from now on, keep your miracles to yourself.
Well, I don't know, I don't know.
It just doesn't What we're trying to do, Mr.
Caldwell, is update your campaign.
Make it appeal more to the modern eye.
Well, I'm not so sure I care to appeal to the modern eye.
I like to think there's a good bit of old-fashioned romance left in the world.
So would I, Mr.
Caldwell, but the people in your sales department feel that in order to sell, we have to keep up with the times.
They're right, of course, yes, but I'm from the old school.
You know what I mean? What was good enough for Dad was good enough for me.
- You get what I mean? - Yes, sir, I do.
That's why I thought that this layout of the old-fashioned kitchen farm kitchen, would appeal to you.
Note that caption.
That caption.
"What was good enough for Dad is good enough for me.
" No, it's no good.
Now, let me tell you why we've got to look in another area.
He's not buying, buddy.
He's not buying.
Samantha's ideas could cinch the whole deal for you.
Tell him.
Go ahead, tell him.
It just misses making the point.
You get what I mean, Stephens? Stephens? Stephens? Oh, yes.
I do see.
Perhaps this will more closely illustrate what you're trying to get.
"Always a winner.
" Well, it does have something.
But then again, it doesn't have anything else, you get what I mean? You see, when a group of men get together playing poker they're not thinking of buying soup.
- Don't fight it.
Tell him Samantha's slogan for the layout.
It's a natural.
What's the difference who thought of it first? Are you with me, Stephens? Stephens, I say, are you with me? - Oh, yes.
Yes, sir.
- Well, that'll help.
How about this one? Specially designed for kid appeal.
Kid appeal? Now, kids aren't interested in buying soup.
We have to make them soup-conscious.
You'll never do it.
As far as kids are concerned, what isn't bubble-gum is medicine.
You're losing him.
In about 10 seconds, he's going to walk.
And what have you proved? That you've got pride and integrity and you're stupid? - To close to the trees, my boy.
- Trees? What I mean is that you have had our account for a long time, Stephens.
Don't worry about it.
We all strike out once in a while.
I wouldn't exactly say that, Mr.
Caldwell.
You don't have to apologise at all.
No one is perfect.
Oh, look at that, 2:00.
I had no idea it was so late.
- I've got to get going.
- Mr.
Caldwell.
Yes, what is it? Nothing, it's no good.
Well, let me be the judge of that.
What were you going to say? If I do it once, I'll do it again.
And before you know, I won't be able to do anything for myself.
Well, that's an interesting philosophy.
But I don't see how it applies to soup.
You take care of the check, will you? Good morning, darling.
What's this supposed to mean? Well, you enjoy working like a horse I thought you might enjoy looking like one.
Oh, very funny.
Now, why don't you go away.
I've had about all the sarcasm I can take for one day.
Oh, really? - Trouble in paradise, eh? - Nothing we can't work out.
- Besides, it was all my fault.
- That's a wonderful attitude, Samantha.
We haven't had a martyr in the family since the Salem trials.
What did you do to what's-his-name, besides bruise his ego a bit? - Isn't that enough? - Nonsense.
It isn't nonsense.
He thought my ideas were witchcraft.
- Well, weren't they? - No! But he doesn't believe me.
He never will.
I told you it would be impossible for you to be a help to him.
He doesn't need my help.
He did very well before I came along.
And he'll do very well without you, I agree.
Now, don't you put words in my mouth, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm gonna stay here, and I'm gonna clean this house with my own hands.
Then I'm gonna start dinner, and then I'm gonna take a bath and put on the sexiest dress I own.
When my husband comes home, I'll have a drink with him and spend the evening convincing him he was right and I was wrong and from now on I'm gonna mind my own business.
- To err is human, to forgive divine.
- Exactly.
When you're up to hear in err and you've changed into one huge lump of divine don't say I didn't warn you.
Hi, darling.
- Hello, honey.
- Oh, you must be dead.
- Did you have a hard day? - Oh, no.
I often lose the agency's biggest accounts.
Two or three a week sometimes.
- Darrin, you didn't have an idea? - No, and I didn't use yours either.
Well, I thought you might in an emergency.
You have almost as much faith in my lack of integrity as you have in my lack of talent.
- Darrin, please.
Well, you weren't entirely wrong.
I thought about spreading out your miracle before him to save my own face, but I bit my tongue.
You see that? I let him walk out on me in spite of all your influence.
What do you mean by that? I could feel you there in the restaurant prodding and digging at my conscience.
Well, I haven't been anywhere near your conscience.
All day, I've been here at home.
I've vacuumed and scrubbed and cleaned.
And I made dinner.
- Well, big deal.
- What does that mean? Well, I've seen the way you can, wham, wash and, pow, clean and ring-a-ding up a dinner.
Well, I didn't wham, pow or ring-a-ding up anything.
These are bona fide dishpan hands.
You could've whipped that up too, for appearance.
- Are you calling me a liar? - Lf the shoe fits.
Sam.
Samantha! Samantha, listen to me.
- Samantha, unlock this door.
- It's not locked.
Now, listen to me, Samantha, l Now, cut this out, Sam, l I wanna see you immediately.
Sam, you're my wife, I demand that you appear before me.
Now, didn't you hear what I said? Sam, this isn't going to prove anything.
You're merely being supersensitive and obstinate.
Now, listen to me.
Don't do anything that you may regret later on.
Now, Sam, cut this out.
This is ridiculous.
Sam, I've had enough of this.
Sam! Sam, now, cut this out.
Samantha, put that back.
Where do you think you're going? You're not leaving this house.
She couldn't.
Samantha, come back here.
Samantha! Samantha! Samantha, come back here, do you hear me? All right, have it your way.
My poor baby.
- He called me a liar.
- I know.
I heard the whole thing.
- I don't want to say I told you so - Then don't.
There, there, dear.
You just hold on to Mother, and we'll go far, far away.
And before we do I think I'll change him into a horned toad.
Mother, please don't.
Maybe you're right.
Why make it easy for him? I think I'll leave him just as he is.
Darrin.
I've got six memos on my desk from the legal department reminding me about Caldwell's renewal.
How'd your lunch go yesterday? Did you? Are you awake? I have been all night.
You look terrible, what's happened? Nothing much, I just lost the Caldwell account and my wife all in one week.
What? - That's horrible.
- I know, I can't believe it.
Your wife too, huh? Oh, well, it's par for the course for newlyweds.
It'll work out.
- But what about Caldwell? - Well, what do you want me to do? The man can't recognise a good campaign when he sees one.
All right, but I better get someone else busy on the account.
And don't feel too badly about it.
It happens to all of us.
- I don't care about Caldwell.
- I was talking about your wife.
Don't feel too badly about Caldwell either.
You got a great batting average.
You gotta whiff one once in a while.
I didn't whiff anything.
I was right on top of it.
I just came up too late with the answers, that's all.
What do you mean, too late? It's never too late.
If you got the answer, tell me.
We can still hold the account.
I could lock up Caldwell in two minutes if I wanted to.
If you wanted to? Don't you want the sun to rise tomorrow morning? Don't you wanna live to a ripe old age? Don't you want me to live till tomorrow? Don't you want the most important person in the world to come back to you? - Of course I want her to come back.
I mean Caldwell.
All right, take a look at those layout boards on the desk.
There's your campaign.
Go ahead, live.
"The race for space at the table.
" "The pot's right.
" "A pretty kettle of fish.
" Darrin, this stuff is great.
You're a genius, you hear me? You're a 100 percent unadulterated genius.
I'll have Caldwell back in 10 minutes.
He'll get down on the floor and kiss your feet.
- And, Darrin, get yourself cleaned up.
- I'll try.
"A race for space at the table when you serve Caldwell's leek and potato.
" "The pot's right, Caldwell's Soup.
" "A pretty kettle of fish.
" Mr.
Caldwell, this campaign is not only clever and humorous, but it has taste.
That soupçon of something extra that Caldwell's Soups always looks for.
Darrin Stephens, I take my hat off to you.
I don't like it.
- You don't like it? - It's gimmicky.
- Gimmicky? - Gimmicky.
Did you say you didn't like it? That's right, it has no good old-fashioned romance in it.
You mean you really don't like it? - No warmth, no love, no sex.
- Sex? I don't suppose there are many of us who look upon soup as having sex appeal, but I do.
I always will.
- And you're not going to buy it.
- I'm sorry, Stephens.
That's marvellous! - What's the matter with you? - You wouldn't understand, Larry.
Mr.
Caldwell, are you absolutely sure you won't change your mind? - Absolutely.
- Mr.
Caldwell, I'm eternally grateful.
Wait a minute.
Have you become completely uncorked? - Where are you going? - I'm taking the rest of the day off.
There's something I've got to do before it's too late.
And thanks again, Mr.
Caldwell.
That's perfectly all right.
That's Mr.
Caldwell, before you leave, I can assure you that McMann & Tate will come up with a campaign that will be everything you expect it to be.
I know that we can deliver.
And I know that you'll buy.
I hope not.
It would be a shame to make that poor boy unhappy again.
Sam? Sam? Sweetheart? Sam, I don't know where you are or if you can even hear me but I want you to know, I apologise for being willful, self-centred and stupid.
I was wrong.
From start to finish all the way down the line.
Since you left, I haven't been able to think about anything but you.
Nothing means anything to me.
I love you, Sam.
I miss you.
I wish you'd come home.
Hi.
Sam.
I'm glad to see you.
- Where have you been? - Not far.
I'm sorry, Sam.
I should've known you wouldn't lie to me.
- What made you change your mind? - Caldwell wouldn't buy the campaign.
What do you mean, he wouldn't buy the campaign? I mean he wouldn't buy the campaign, so it must have been your imagination.
- Your ideas were no good.
- I don't think that's very nice.
I'm don't mean that your ideas are no good or that you don't have You know.
- I know what you mean, I understand.
It doesn't matter.
The only thing that's important is that I love you.
And I love you.
It seems ridiculous that a can of soup could ever come between us.
Nothing ever will again.
What did you just say? I said, the only thing that was important is that I loved you.
- No, after that.
You said something.
- I don't know.
When? - Why didn't I think of that? - What are you talking about? You just said You're sure you don't know what you said? - About what? - Never mind.
Never mind.
Sam, I've got it.
And it's perfect.
It's more than perfect.
It is inspired.
And you inspired it.
- I did? - Yes, you did.
You inspired it and I found it, and that's the way it ought to be.
- Where you going? - To see Caldwell.
But I'll be back before you know it.
I love you, Sam.
Won't give up, eh? What do you think he'd say if he knew you had given him a hint? He does know.
I inspired it and he found it.
You heard him say so.
- You're splitting hairs, Samantha.
- No, not at all.
That's the way it should be.
You heard him say that too.
Anyway, all you can ask of anyone is to take a little and make it go a long, long way.
Good.
- Beautiful, isn't it? - Breathtaking.
You know, I come down here every once in a while just to sit and stare.
It's kind of old-fashioned and romantic, isn't it? It's wonderful.
And I'm very proud of you.
Thank you, sweetheart.
"The only thing that will ever come between us.
"