Bewitched (1964) s01e14 Episode Script

Ouch! Aunt Clara! Oh, Endora was right.
I should've travelled by bus.
You all right? You know, I think I've been putting on weight.
I used to come down through a chimney as clean as a whistle.
Come on over here and sit down.
Over here.
All right.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, it's so nice to see you again.
Oh, and it's nice to see you too, dear.
Oh, well.
We'll have a lovely weekend together.
- Weekend? - Doorknobs are all very well but they're not family.
- Aunt Clara.
- I count them when I'm Ionely.
But somehow, you know today, they didn't seem to do the trick.
And then I remembered the lovely invitation you gave me to come here whenever I wanted to.
I see.
Where's that nice mortal you're married to? Darrin went to pick up his parents.
They're spending the weekend too.
Oh? Oh, I picked a bad time for a visit.
Well, never mind, I'll leave before they arrive.
No, you won't.
Now, I haven't met Darrin's parents.
It'd be kind of nice to have you around for moral support.
Besides, we have plenty of room.
Now, you're sure I won't be in the way? Of course not, and I'd like them to meet my favourite aunt.
Oh, you are a nice girl.
Now, why don't I show you to your room and you can get cleaned up and rest before you have to meet Darrin and his parents.
No, I think I'll wait for my bag and umbrella.
They weren't ready and packed when I wanted to go.
So I just left them there.
Teach them a lesson.
I can't wait to see him.
I hope she hasn't let him lose weight.
He can't afford to lose weight.
Oh, he's probably in the last stages of malnutrition.
You know that isn't what I meant.
Oh, there he is.
Oh, Darrin! Oh, Darrin.
Uh-oh, here come the waterworks.
Three months away and it's like he's back from the grave.
Oh, it's too long for a son to be away from his mother, much too long.
Marriage obviously agrees with you, boy.
I've never seen you look better.
Have you, Phyllis? Oh, he looks terrible.
How can you say he looks well? He looks terrible.
Have you been eating the right foods, Darrin? Oh, I feel great, Mom, honestly.
Never mind, I'll fatten you up with some good home cooking in a couple of days.
Meet my wife, the diplomat.
Now what did I say wrong? There's our luggage.
Sam's a pretty good cook too, Mom.
- Sam? - Samantha.
Oh, Samantha.
Oh, I'm sure she is, dear and you know I'd cut off my right arm rather than interfere.
I just thought I'd give her a few tips, though.
Can she make chicken cacciatore? No, Mom.
No one can make chicken cacciatore the way you can.
Oh, it's nice that there's something you need your mother for.
Let's go.
I'm anxious to meet this bride of yours, Darrin.
- I bet she's something really special.
- Pop, you win your bet.
Oh, there you are.
I told you I wouldn't wait for you.
Well, don't stand there like that.
Come in, come in, come in.
Now, your room is the second on the left.
I'll check dinner and be right up.
Oh, it smells good.
Pot roast.
I wanted to serve something more exotic, but I thought I ought to stay on safe ground.
- Exotic? Yes, you know, beef stroganoff, coq au vin something that would really impress Darrin's mother.
Don't you worry, dear.
I just know they're going to love you.
How can you be so sure? I'm a witch.
I can't tell you how excited I was when we heard that Darrin was married.
Fainted four times.
Four! Oh, he's exaggerating, as usual.
Oh, I will admit that I was surprised, but I'm not one of those mothers who want to keep their children tied to their apron strings.
Then why is everything in Darrin's room bronzed? Well, there's nothing wrong with being sentimental.
I think it's rather nice.
His tennis racket? Why don't you two men leave us alone so I can get acquainted with my daughter-in-law.
- Come on, I'll show you your room.
- Right.
You treat her well, now, Phyllis.
I like this girl.
Now we can talk.
I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry about me being one of those interfering mother-in-laws.
Why, I'd cut off my right arm first.
Well, I wouldn't want you to do that.
Of course, if you do need any help, I'm always available.
That's nice to know.
Well, I do know a little more about Darrin's habits than you.
So if there's anything you want to know anything at all, feel free to ask.
Darrin tells me you're a good cook.
Well, I'm still learning.
Oh, good.
That is, maybe I can give you the recipes for some of his very favourite dishes.
Do you know how to make pineapple upside-down cake? No, I don't.
Then there are his hives.
I don't know how to make those, either.
No, no, dear, that's an allergy.
It's a rash he gets.
I'll show you how to treat it.
Oh, I've cured that.
You cured his rash? Oh, yes.
We found out he only got it when he ate chicken cacciatore.
I see.
My, this is a lovely room.
Did you? Did you have a decorator? No, I did it myself.
Well, it's absolutely lovely.
I bet you can't wait to get it finished.
Finished? Oh, really all it needs is a few knickknacks to warm it up.
Darrin is used to that.
He always had them at home.
Oh, I've got more than enough.
I'll send you some when I get back.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Darrin, I was just telling Samantha how lovely the room looks.
Yes, it does have nice, clean look.
I hate a room that's all cluttered up with ornaments.
You know, we really don't know very much about you, Samantha.
What did you do before you married Darrin? Well, I travelled a lot.
- With your family? - Sometimes.
Do you get to see much of your mother? Oh, she pops in and out.
And what about the rest of your family? Hello, Aunt Clara.
Hello, everybody.
Come on, I want you to meet everybody.
Aunt Clara, this is Mrs.
Stephens and Mr.
Stephens.
- How do you do? And that is Darrin.
This is an unexpected pleasure.
You haven't met Darrin before? Oh, well I've met him, but he hasn't met me.
In the flesh, I mean.
So to speak.
Aunt Clara is spending the weekend with us too.
She is? I mean, she is? Wouldn't you like to see my doorknob collection? Why, yes, l I beg your pardon? - Aunt Clara collects doorknobs.
- I have 3000.
- Where'd you get them all? - I don't remember but there are a lot of people having a heck of time trying to open their doors.
Samantha, could I speak to you for a minute? - When? - Now.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Maybe this will be a nice chance for us to have a little chat.
Darling, I was just as surprised as you were.
I turned around and she was sitting in the fireplace.
- She came down the chimney? Well, darling, you can't blame someone for being old.
She used to come through the wall, same as everybody else.
- Oh, great.
- She's really very sweet.
I'm sure, darling.
I'd love to have her here any other time but not this weekend.
My parents are plain, simple folks Darrin, Darrin, darling, I can't ask her to leave.
I couldn't bear to see her hurt.
You can understand that, can't you? - I suppose so, honey.
- I know it's inconvenient but I'm sure your parents will understand.
Besides, what possible harm could she do? Yes, I'm a witch.
All my family are.
Sort of a family thing that has been handed down, you know.
Bu the witch game is not like it used to be.
Oh, no.
Now there was a time when you could cast a spell on someone and they knew it.
Not now.
No, not now.
- Well, now, take the Yankees.
- The Yankees? Well, they lost two World Series in a row, didn't they? You put a spell on them.
Well, Bertha and me.
Yeah.
Bertha and you? Oh, well, I'm so glad you don't mind.
- Mind? - About Samantha being one.
Samantha's a witch too? Yes, yes, but she's trying to get away from it.
Bothers Darrin.
Well, I think I'll go for a little fresh air, if you don't mind.
Shan't be long.
Why, I used to go through a wall: Just like butter.
I think I'll try the front door.
She's kind of cute, isn't she? What about your sister Madge? It's not the same thing at all.
Madge has a quirk, that's all.
Quirk? She thinks she's a lighthouse.
You call standing on the garage roof when it rains to warn ships at sea a quirk? That woman believes she's a witch.
Now you can't tell me that's normal.
Well, Darrin isn't married to Clara, and I think Samantha is a perfect wife.
Perfect? She can't even make a pineapple upside-down cake.
What kind of a family has poor Darrin married into? Darrin, think everything's going all right? I don't know what you're so worried about, Pop thinks you're great.
- Yes, but what about your mother? - I'm sure she likes you too.
Obviously the flight upset her.
She's just not herself, that's all.
Well, I don't know, I just don't know.
I've a funny feeling something's out of whack.
The only thing out of whack is your Aunt Clara.
At least you know where you stand with her.
Well, has Mom said anything? Oh, no, of course not.
I know she's trying to be nice.
I've done everything I can to please her.
Just don't know.
I have a funny feeling, that's all.
There's something wrong.
Hello, dears.
Everything all right? Yes, everything's ready.
Just keep your fingers crossed.
Oh, I don't believe in superstition.
I just know that everything is going to be perfect.
Oh, dear.
I better go empty the ashtrays in the living room.
Sam Clara, Clara, don't goof this up.
Coq au vin.
Go away, chickie.
Go away, chickie.
Go away, chickie.
Oh, now that's better.
Now for dessert, pineapple upside-down cake.
It's been just my luck if it came up right-side up.
I'm on a winning streak.
- Please sit down, Mr.
Stephens.
- Fine.
Aunt Clara, make yourself comfortable.
Hey, that smells great.
What is it? Pot roast.
I would like to have served you something, well, more exciting but cooking really isn't one of my That's coq au vin.
Samantha.
- That's what it is, all right.
- Oh, it looks delicious.
I thought you said you couldn't cook.
Quite a sense of humour this girl of yours has, Darrin.
Yeah, she keeps me laughing all day.
How'd you know it was my favourite? Oh, does Mrs.
Stephens cook it for you? Cook it? She can't even pronounce it.
You must be a great cook.
Oh, you wait until you see the dessert she's whipped up for you.
What is it, Samantha? Maybe it should be a surprise.
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Well, Phyllis, I guess you can stop worrying now.
Our boy couldn't be in better hands.
What's the matter? I have a sick headache.
Been at it again, haven't you? They'll hear you.
Zap, coq au vin! Whap, pineapple upside-down cake! I didn't make that food.
You promised me no witchcraft.
You said you were just going to be yourself but You didn't? Well, who did? I would say your prime suspect is Aunt Clara unless your mother's holding out on us.
- What? - She isn't a witch too, is she? Let's leave my mother out of this.
No matter what you say, Darrin, it was a delicious meal and she hardly ate a mouthful.
Now, what can I do to get her to like me? Sam, let's just solve one problem at a time.
I'll have a little talk with Aunt Clara after dinner.
Now, Darrin.
If you hurt her feelings I'll never forgive you.
She was only trying to help.
Well, I'll just ask her to stop helping.
- Be tactful.
- Don't worry.
I'll tactfully tell her that the position of house witch is already filled.
Come in.
Am I disturbing anything, Aunt Clara? Oh, not at all, not at all.
No, I'm just polishing my doorknobs.
It must be quite a job, keeping those clean.
Well, it keeps me out of the pool halls.
That was quite a dinner you whipped up.
Oh, I still know a trick or two.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Aunt Clara.
You see, my mother and father, they aren't used to witchcraft.
You see that? Now to a doorknob collector, that's equivalent to the Hope Diamond.
It's not that we don't appreciate your trying to help.
Such a nice sparkle.
Yeah, I wouldn't have even brought it up at all except that my mother and father just don't understand.
Do you understand what I'm saying, Aunt Clara? Oh, it's nice of you to look at my doorknob collection.
Not many young people care about that sort of thing nowadays.
Come on, bag.
We must go.
Did you talk to Aunt Clara? You didn't upset her, did you? - She didn't seem to be upset.
- Did she understand? It's hard to tell with Aunt Clara.
I think I better go up and see her.
I thought I'd give you a hand with the dish Oh, you've already done them.
Isn't there anything I can do? Nothing at all, Mom.
Sam has done it all.
You should get the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval, Samantha.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Darrin, are you happy? What? Of course, Mom.
Now, if there is anything you want to tell me about, I'm always here.
I've never been happier in my life.
Any problem at all, no matter how large or how small.
Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't come to your mother.
Mom, I don't have any problems.
Well, that's all right.
If you don't want to tell me about it, that's fine with me, - I'd cut off my right arm - Phyllis, leave the boy alone.
Now, hasn't a mother the right to ask if her son is happy? Who wouldn't be happy married to a dream like Samantha? She's a lovely girl, all right.
Why've you been trying to find fault with her ever since we arrived? - That's not true.
- I mean, what do you want? She's beautiful, she's talented she's even-tempered and she's a great cook.
- I agree.
- Then there's no argument.
- Then there's no argument.
- All right! If there's no argument, why are you yelling at each other? - What'd you do to Aunt Clara? - I didn't do anything.
You must've said something insulting, or she wouldn't have left.
- Sam, do we have to? - Darrin, you promised to be tactful.
- Must we discuss this in front of them? - Yes.
Aunt Clara is a guest in this house too.
You may not like it, but she's my family.
Really, Samantha.
There's no need to take it out on Darrin.
- Shut up, Phyllis.
I told you it's not my fault she left.
Yes, it is.
If you hadn't been annoyed Aunt Clara made the dinner none of this would've happened.
She cooked dinner? Yes, she did.
You may as well know it right now, I'm not a very good cook.
You're not? No, I'm not.
I can't make coq au vin or pineapple upside-down cake or any of those fancy dishes.
- Samantha.
- It's no use, Darrin.
I cannot pretend to be something I'm not.
And I won't stand here and see Aunt Clara hurt.
I don't blame you.
What did you say to that nice old lady? - I didn't say any - You be quiet.
- Go on, dear.
- Well, that's just about it.
I wanted you to think I was the perfect wife for Darrin, and Aunt Clara thought she was helping me.
The fact is, I'm not very good at housekeeping yet.
If you like me any less for that, I'm sorry but you just have to accept me as I am, faults and all.
Samantha, you don't know how happy you've made me.
What are you crying about? What do you men know about anything? What's going on here? I didn't want you to be perfect, dear.
Well then, why did you act as if you did? Because I'm a silly old woman who was afraid she'd be pushed aside and forgotten.
And you seem so self-sufficient and so good at everything.
I just thought I wouldn't be needed anymore.
Do you understand? Yes, I do.
- I'll go find Aunt Clara.
- She's at the bus station.
- How do you know? - I asked her umbrella.
Good thinking, I'll be back in a few minutes.
Well, I hope he finds her.
You asked her what? Oh, a family joke.
I just have a hunch she's there.
Maybe Aunt Clara is right.
You are a witch after all.
I am.
But don't spread it around.
It'll be our secret.
Oh, Darrin.
You don't really think that I bronzed your tennis racket, do you? Of course not, Mom, I knew Pop was kidding.
However, I did bronze your shoes.
Your football shoes.
We're using them for bookends.
- Would you girls like a little magic? - Frank, for heaven's sake.
We'll show you a little trick here.
Aunt Clara, take a card out of the deck.
Just any card, go on.
Take it out and then look at it, put it back in.
Don't let me see it now.
Let me see.
All right.
- You got it.
- Yep.
Put it back in, now.
Anywhere, just anywhere.
Right.
Alrighty now, let's see.
Your card is the It's funny.
It's always worked before.
You'll find it in your topcoat pocket.
Now, how did you do that? I'm a witch.
Oh, well, now, I think I'll go for my little constitutional.
You mind if we walk along with you? Walk? Well, that might be nice for a change.
You know, the next time we come I must bring my sister Madge along.
She and Clara would have a ball, wouldn't they, Frank? Oh, dear.
They really seem to have hit it off, haven't they? They sure have.
And they think you're the greatest.
That's nice.
Well, it's as I said.
All you had to be was yourself.
You're right, darling.
Samantha.
You said I should be myself.
I take it all back.
Maybe my folks aren't ready for the real you yet.