Bewitched (1964) s03e26 Episode Script

Hello? Oh, hi, Larry.
Morning, Samantha.
Has Darrin left? He left at 5:00 this morning.
Driving up to Bridgeport to take care of that account for you.
Why? I was hoping to catch him before he left.
It's that new client, Mr.
Morgan, our prize headache.
Oh, yes.
I've heard about him.
Darrin hasn't told you all about him.
He doesn't use that language.
Well, he told me what kind of a tyrant he is.
Tyrant is putting it mildly.
He's still living in the Victorian Age.
The louder you talked, the righter you were.
He wasn't due until tomorrow but he checked in at the hotel this morning.
No, no, no, no, don't bother.
As long as Darrin's already gone l'll just handle him solo.
Thanks anyway, Sam.
Oh, you're welcome, Larry.
Bye-bye.
Well, what was all that about? Darrin's firm has a new client that's been giving them trouble.
Seems he's some sort of a tyrant.
Acts as though he's still living in the Victorian Age.
Oh, now, don't you say anything against the Victorian Age.
I loved it.
Those were the days.
Did you know I was once lady in waiting to Queen Victoria? Really? I didn't know that.
No, you and your mother were in Tibet at the time.
I just had an urge to rub elbows with royalty.
And the more I think of it, the more I like the idea.
What idea? To go back to the Victorian Age.
Well, now, Aunt Clara, do you really think that's wise? Unless you're absolutely sure you know the right spell.
I wouldn't want you to end up in the wrong century.
Now, don't you worry about me.
Oh, I still have a lot on the ball.
Now, watch.
Eye of newt Leg of spider Queen Victoria Tallyho I cast my spell And off I go Your Majesty.
You're not Queen Victoria.
I'm sorry about that, Aunt Clara, but I'm just as glad you didn't go.
Wouldn't want you to get lost or anything.
We don't know where we are but we are not amused.
You said you were her lady in waiting.
Well, what does a lady in waiting do? When the bell rings, you run like crazy.
Your Majesty.
I'm Clara.
Your lady in waiting.
Clara? We don't recall the name, but the face is vaguely familiar.
Your Majesty always said I was the vaguest person you had ever known.
Clara.
We Clara, your limbs are showing.
Oh, yes.
Well, they are sticking out, aren't they, madam? You wouldn't dare set foot out of the palace like that.
- Yet you have the audacity - Your Majesty We do not speak until we are spoken to.
Well, I'm sorry, Your Majesty.
Who are you? Well, I'm the niece of your lady in waiting.
Niece? You look more like a nephew.
Where? Where are we? Have I been spoken to? You have been spoken to.
Well, speak up, Samantha.
I forgot the question.
Clara we know where we are.
We want to find out if you know where you are.
Well, I'm in New York, Your Majesty.
The United States of America? - Yes.
- President McKinley! Where? We must make preparations for President McKinley to call.
If you'll excuse me for a moment, Your Majesty.
- Young lady! - Yes? We never turn our back upon our queen.
Well, I beg your pardon, Your Majesty.
I was just going outside to get the morning paper so I could show Her Majesty that she is in the 20th century.
Mr.
Morgan.
Good to see you again.
If I'd known you were coming earlier If you'd known you'd know as much about my business as I do.
Yes.
But Mr.
Stephens is in charge of your account, and he won't be back I'm the one who's in charge of my account.
The trouble with you is that you don't have any initiative.
I pay you to work out a campaign, then I have to do all the work myself.
- What's this? - The layouts that Mr.
Stephens has been working on.
Now, if you'll notice the way we worked the trade name in Don't talk when I'm thinking.
And don't turn your back on me.
Pay attention.
I am paying attention, Mr.
Morgan.
I asked you not to talk while I'm trying to think.
Mr.
Morgan, I'm sure you're not paying us all this money to remain silent.
I've helped Mr.
Stephens on this campaign and The blind leading the blind.
Mr.
Morgan, I hope you know We're talking again.
I can't help it.
I can't remain silent.
Mr.
Morgan, we're trying very hard to modernize Now, now, we're not angry with you.
It's just I'm always hoping that someday I'll find someone who can do something without my assistance.
It's the same in my factory.
There isn't a man in it who can do anything without my assistance.
When did you say this Stephens will be back? I talked to his wife earlier, and she said I'd like to meet his wife.
I judge a man by the wife he selects.
If she'd like to have us for cocktails I drink martinis.
As the northern states shivered in a near-record cold wave Californians flock ed to the beaches in temperatures in the high 80s.
Oh, Aunt Clara, isn't it marvellous how she's adjusted to the 20th century? Yes.
She always said that royalty could not indulge in the luxury of surprise.
Surfing conditions were excellent, and the warm weather produced more than its share of bikini-clad sun worshippers showing off the latest fashions.
Has neither one of you the decency to faint? Come, Clara.
We are not amused.
- Larry? - Hi, Samantha.
Hi.
I didn't expect you.
Well, it's one of those unexpected days.
Here's your paper.
You came all the way out from the city just to bring my paper? - Samantha, I have a favour to ask.
- Couldn't you have phoned? I was afraid you'd say no.
This way I can get down on my knees.
- What is it? - It's Mr.
Morgan.
Oh, the terrible tiger.
Could you invite him to cocktails? I realize it's a terrible imposition - Darrin isn't here.
Couldn't you? - But he wants to meet you.
Me? He judges men by their wives.
Larry, well, if there's anything I could do to help, I'd What's that? And what happened to your television set? This way, Your Majesty.
What the? We do not speak until we are spoken to.
Her Majesty expresses her appreciation your bringing her the evening paper.
An aunt of mine.
Thinks she's Queen Victoria.
I knew you had one peculiar aunt, but Two.
They try to outdo each other.
Sort of friendly competition.
Samantha.
Mr.
Morgan's account runs well over a million dollars.
Would it be asking too much of you to keep the royalty out of sight while Mr.
Morgan is here? Oh, yes, Larry.
I understand.
Good.
Well, then I'll see you at 5 with Mr.
Morgan for cocktails.
- Good, Larry.
Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Good news.
I hope so.
She likes your bedroom.
Oh, that's nice.
And more good news.
She feels the same about the 20th century as I do.
Now we're gonna get some action.
I hope not.
Oh, Clara, the world is in a terrible state of affairs.
Oh, it is in a mess.
Indians massacre Chicago! Oh, no, no, Your Majesty.
That's the baseball page.
Baseball? Yes.
It's a game.
I'm very vague about it but I think it has something to do with eating hot dogs.
Oh, well.
What are we, Victoria Regina Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Empress of India What are we doing in the 20th century? Providence obviously desires our assistance in straightening things out.
We accept the divine right of kings as a divine responsibility and duty.
Clara, fetch us pen and paper.
We shall begin by issuing some decrees.
Oh, another martini, Mr.
Morgan? Why, thank you, Mrs.
Stephens.
My husband is looking forward to working with you.
He should be.
He'll have the benefit of all my years of experience.
Her Majesty would like some tea.
Majesty? Our daughter is like a princess.
We call her "Your Majesty.
" Oh, very charming.
Would you excuse me for a moment? Aunt Clara.
Aunt Clara, whatever you do, don't let her come downstairs.
Oh, no one tells her what to do.
She has a mind of her own.
Aunt Clara, you just have to send her back.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We are going to straighten out the 20th century.
She has the brains, I have the magic.
But I must be very discreet because she mustn't know that I'm a witch.
Clara, we will start with the Western Hemisphere.
Oh, yes, dear.
- You saw her? - What was she? She's my Aunt Harriet.
She thinks she's Queen Victoria.
Well.
Well, if If you could just ignore her.
Ignore her? Why, I admire her.
She's my kind of woman.
I say, if you have to go out of your mind, go out in a big way! Here she is.
Will you be kind enough to present me to Her Majesty? Your Majesty, may I present Mr.
Morgan? You may rise, Mr.
Morgan.
We were impressed with you the moment we saw you.
You hear that? You remind us of Mr.
Gladstone.
No kidding? I've always reminded myself of a big shot like Gladstone.
You know, cracking the whip over Parliament.
We detest Mr.
Gladstone.
That's what I call a real regal attitude.
Not afraid to speak out.
I'm that way myself.
L Why don't you two run along and let me have a private little chat with Her Majesty.
Well, I don't think that You're arguing with me, Tate.
Sorry.
Off with you.
Off, off, off, off.
Now, let's you and I have a VIP conversation.
You tell me how you run your empire l'll tell you how I run my mattress factory.
Sir, have you forgotten yourself? Oh, not a chance.
I never forget me, or anything else.
I have a memory like a steel trap.
We have not given you permission to seat yourself.
Oh, come on, come on.
Sit down.
Let's talk empires.
Even Mr.
Gladstone has greater respect for the Crown.
Now, take it easy, Your Majesty.
Let's keep this on a basis of friendly equality.
Equality? You're the commonest commoner I've ever encountered.
No gentleman would seat himself before a lady let alone the queen of England.
Well? I'm trying to go along with you.
I'm trying to be friendly with you.
But don't push me too far! You will kindly show proper respect for the Crown.
I told you to cut that out.
That is better.
You shall remain on your feet.
- Enough is enough! - I'll say it is, Mr.
Morgan.
Excuse me, Your Majesty.
May I escort you upstairs? Perhaps you'd like a little nap.
You keep out of this, Tate.
I can handle this nut.
We are not amused.
Excuse me, Your Majesty.
But this self-appointed emperor of a mattress factory has it coming to him.
We haven't given anyone permission to speak.
- Oh, shut up! - Don't you tell anyone in this house to shut up.
This is Darrin Stephens' house.
He's the one who says shut up.
May I speak for your husband? Oh, be Be Be my guest.
Shut up.
How do you like that? I finally got up enough nerve to do it.
Your Majesty, we humbly apologize.
We shall retire to our bedchamber.
If we decide to forgive, we shall notify you.
Larry, I'm very proud the way you stood up to him but it's a million-dollar account, don't you? Songwriters are missing the greatest hit in the world.
You know, they should put music to those words: "Shut up.
" - Samantha? - Yes? Do you have someplace I could lie down? - Would you like an ice pack? - No, thanks.
I just want to lie down.
Guest room's at the top of the stairs.
All the time I was telling him off, I was wondering why I wasn't the least bit worried.
Now I know.
The time hadn't come yet.
Now I'm worried.
You are falling asleep.
You are falling asleep.
Deeper and deeper asleep.
You are dreaming that you are Queen Victoria.
You run your factory just lik e Queen Victoria ran her empire.
Oh, we certainly do.
If anybody gets out of line, we let them have it with our fan.
You ring your little bell, and everybody jumps.
You're fired! You sit on your throne and tell everybody how to do everything.
We are not amused with your advertising campaign.
But you are not Queen Victoria, you're only a petty little tyrant.
And as you think back in history you know how tyrants came to their end.
- Larry.
- What is it? It's Mr.
Morgan.
He's back.
Morgan? Oh, let me think.
Let me think.
Let me think of a good apology.
I can be the most apologetic person in the world when I put my heart into it.
- May I come in? - Yes, of course.
I won't stay a moment.
Is Mr.
Tate still here? - Mr.
Morgan.
- Well, Tate I just came by to tell you of the most wonderful dream I had.
I dreamed I was Queen Victoria.
Isn't that fantastic? It suddenly dawned on me that you were telling the truth.
I have been running my business like a tyrant treating people as though I were the queen mother, the queen bee.
- That's absolute nonsense - You're talking while I'm talking.
Sorry.
Nobody else has ever dared tell me to my face.
I admire you, Tate.
You're the kind of man I want to handle my account.
- And I'll keep my nose out of it.
- Oh, no, no, Mr.
Morgan You're talking again.
Sorry.
Well, that's all I came by to say.
I'll see Stephens when he gets back.
Good.
- Goodbye.
Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Night-night, Mr.
Morgan.
Nighty-night.
Well, how about that? Yes, how about that.
Now, if I can make it to my car I think I'll go home and have a double.
- Nighty-night.
- Nighty-night.
Her Majesty will be down in a moment.
Oh, really, Aunt Clara.
Darrin is going to be home soon, and she cannot be here! Now, please, send her back.
I've forgotten the spell.
Well, you leave me no alternative.
I may not be able to send her back, but I can certainly get her down here.
How did we get here? We didn't come down the stairs and we don't recall jumping.
We came here like this, Your Majesty.
I am a witch.
We do not approve of such things.
Sorcery and witchcraft are forbidden.
Clara, you are her aunt.
You're not a witch? Well, we can't all be perfect, Your Majesty.
I do seem to recall my beloved Albert Even Albert liked you.
If we had known this in the 19th century we would have had you flogged.
Our memory may be bad but when we get mad, we remember our spells.
Eye of a newt Leg of a spider Queen Victoria Tallyho I cast my spell And off you go Oh, Aunt Clara, now we've got Prince Albert.
Maybe I didn't use enough English on it.