Bewitched (1964) s04e18 Episode Script

Mother, I'd rather do it myself.
Stop talking like a detergent commercial and come and give your mama a kiss.
- What's that you're wearing? - It's Joie d'Anime, darling.
And you're still wearing that essence of bacon.
Darrin's breakfast.
Now he'll be down any minute so why don't you evaporate until he goes off to work.
Why don't you ask me where I've been and what's in the box.
You've been to Paris, and there's a dress in the box.
Marvellous.
You've learned to read minds.
No, I've learned to read labels.
Good morning, good morning, good morning.
Goodbye.
Sweetheart Mother just popped in to show me the latest fashions from Paris.
Yes, and I brought you something.
Something for your nice little pointed head.
Oh, Mother.
- Endora, I'm glad you're here.
- Really? Seeing you here has made me lose my appetite.
That means I'll be on time for a very important meeting.
Bye, sweetheart.
Stay a week.
I'm on a diet.
Even his voice is irritating.
- Well, you did start it.
- No, you did when you married him.
Which reminds me, whom do you think I ran into in Paris? - Who? - Your old beau, Rollo.
Oh, how is he? Oh, as charming and attractive and debonair as ever.
Why you turned him down I'll never understand.
Simple.
I met Darrin, and it was love at first sight.
It must have been.
If you'd taken a second look, you'd have run like a frightened deer.
Mother, I have a million things to do starting with saying goodbye to you.
Of course.
Rollo.
Why didn't I think of that before? Really, Endora.
Your timing is atrocious.
I'm sorry.
Were you lunching? With an absolutely ravishing mademoiselle.
Now I'll never know whether she said yes or no.
Oh, come now, Rollo.
No woman would ever say no to you.
- That's true.
- Except Samantha.
Don't remind me.
The only blot on my record.
How would you like to remove that blot? Mother, this is lovely.
I'm glad you talked me into having lunch.
Of course, darling.
Even a chicken gets out of its coop now and then.
Would you care to order now or wait till the other party arrives? What other party? - Samantha.
- Here's our other party now.
- Where did he come from? - I don't know.
I was just You're looking positively radiant.
Mother, I know what you're cooking up.
No reflection on you, Rollo, but What happened to madame? If you don't mind, I would like to tell Aunt Hagatha that her babysitting services are no longer required.
Samantha, I am shocked and disappointed in you.
You're shocked? - Oh, of all the underhanded tricks.
- My, my, my.
I didn't know you were so attracted to him.
Attracted to him? Mother, what are you talking about? Well, if you're so upset over the mere idea of having lunch with an old friend what other explanation can there be? I am not upset with Rollo.
Of course, if a married woman isn't sure enough of herself to spend a few hours in a crowded restaurant with an old beau - Well, I'll be off now, dear.
- Just a minute, Mother.
No, no, no.
I understand.
I feel very sorry for you.
Things must be much worse than I thought between Darwin and you.
It's Darrin.
And there's nothing wrong between us.
Of course not.
But I'm sure you'll work the problem out.
All right.
All right, Mother.
I'll have lunch with Rollo.
Wonderful.
Here you are, monsieur, one dry Thank you.
I hope it's nice and dry.
Where's the other gentleman? Oh, he was just And then you two I don't know.
Excuse me.
I wonder what got into Rollo? I said we'd be right back.
Pretty sure of yourself, weren't you, Mother? - I'll get him.
- Forget it, Mother.
Let's just have lunch Oh, look, there's Darrin.
Let me finish this before I look.
Well, well, well.
This is a pleasant surprise.
I'd say it was more in the nature of a shock.
Sweetheart, would you join us? We'd love to have you, wouldn't we, Mother? Thanks, Sam, we have some business to discuss.
Oh, that can wait.
I'd rather have lunch with a couple of classy chicks than sit alone with you.
Bo, this chick I mean This lady is my wife.
And this is my mother-in-law.
No kidding? Well, some guys have all the luck.
Callahan's my name.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- The pleasure is dubious.
- Well, aren't you sweet.
What are you standing there for? Sit down, sit down.
Mr.
Callahan is a new client of ours.
Oh, isn't that nice? Hey, I bet you can't guess what I make.
Enemies? Hey, you got a funny mother-in-law.
What do you make, Mr.
Callahan? Well, this will kill you.
Perfume.
Ain't that a gas? Look, here's a sample.
For you, bright eyes.
We just came out with it.
"Autumn Flame.
" Yeah, for the older babes, you know? He means for the more mature woman.
Oh, have it your way.
You're the advertising man.
I figure, why should just the young chicks get all the attention? I mean, an old babe like you has a right to smell nice too, huh? Why don't we order or something.
You know, you're giving me a terrific brainstorm.
We want somebody to sell Autumn Flame, right? You keep telling me we need a classy older chick to do the commercials.
- Well, there she is.
- I beg your pardon.
She'd be perfect.
Smart dresser, sophisticated, still pretty good-looking.
Well Mother, you ought to be flattered.
Well, what do you think? Well, no, no, no, it's It's out of the question.
Suppose you let me handle my own affairs.
- It's out of the question.
- All right, you think about it and let me know tonight.
- Tonight? - I want you all for dinner at my place.
- How about it? - Why That's very sweet, Mr.
Callahan but I'm afraid it would be impossible to get a babysitter on short notice.
No problem.
We'll have dinner at your place.
Just be sure Mom's there.
Oh, she can't.
Definitely not.
She has a previous engagement.
Will you stop answering for me? I have a previous engagement but I'll be there.
Terrific.
Hey, be sure that art director is there.
- What's his name? - Bill Walters.
Yeah.
I want to get his thinking on this.
Well, I was planning on having dinner with dear Rollo.
But I'll bring him to your place instead.
Mother.
- Who? - Well, I guess I'll skip lunch.
There's so many things that I must do.
I'll see you tonight, bright eyes.
Ain't she a gas? I'm sorry about the disappearing act, darling, but it was unavoidable.
Now, where were we? You were just telling me about your collection of Endora? Yes.
Endora, when are you gonna stop hounding me? When you finish your assignment, you naughty, naughty boy.
It's no use.
I've never kissed a less-responsive hand than Samantha's.
But you barely had a chance to talk to her.
Tonight you'll have a better opportunity.
Samantha's having some people to dinner, and we're invited.
Endora, it'll never work.
Well, if your fatal charm doesn't work, you'll have to think of something else.
My love potion.
Are you suggesting I use that on your daughter? I? Certainly not.
I'm shocked at you even mentioning it.
All I want to do is free my little girl from a life of mortal drudgery.
How you do it is up to you.
Endora, doesn't your conscience ever pain you? No.
But now that you mention it it does tickle a bit.
You know, we don't pay peanuts for these commercials.
No, there's a lot of A lot of money involved.
I know of babes that'd give their eyeteeth to do one.
You wanna keep tally or something? Oh, thank you, old boy.
- So you're Rollo, huh? - That's right.
And you're Samantha's husband, huh? That's right.
- Well - Yeah.
- Can I get you something to drink? - You just did.
Yes.
Excuse me.
- Here's your refill, Bill.
- Thank you.
Harriet, can I get you something to drink? It looks as if Bill is going to drink for the family.
Will you get off my back? Excuse me.
Just don't come to me tomorrow with your hangover.
- I wouldn't come to you - Hors d'oeuvre, anyone? - Sam.
Iovely party, Sam.
- Thank you, Bill.
I'm glad you could make it on short notice.
- Oh, we were delighted.
- Haven't seen you guys in ages.
Here, you pass these.
I'll get some more.
- Can I help? - Yes.
Stay right here.
I don't know why you're resisting, bright eyes.
Ask these people here.
Don't you think she'd make a great Miss Autumn Flame? If you want my personal opinion I think Endora's too young for what you had in mind.
Well, how do you know what he had in mind? You know, Endora, what Mr.
Callahan is offering is really quite an honour.
Sure.
Stephens and I auditioned hundreds of women for the job but you stand out like a ripe pickle in a bunch of green cucumbers.
You certainly have a flair for language.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, Rollo.
Will you stop gaping at me and go back in the living room? I'm sorry, Sam, I can't.
Samantha, I've forgotten how lovely you are.
Terrific.
Let's keep it that way.
Do you know the more I see you, the more I want you? Yes, but I can't sing it now.
Okay.
That's the way it's got to be.
Dinner will be ready in five minutes.
I hope everybody's appetite's okay.
Mine sure is.
Good.
I was afraid you might drown it.
You've been rushing around so much, you haven't had a drink, have you? Thanks, Rollo.
That's very considerate of you.
Now, look, Dora, why don't you just give in, huh? You're going to anyway, sooner or later.
Bo Callahan always gets his way.
Why don't we have some music.
You know what they say, Bo.
You can drive a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
You simile is not only odious but inaccurate.
He is driving me to drink.
- Endora, I wouldn't do that.
- You would if you had to listen to him.
When do we start? When do we start the commercials you big, beautiful, utterly irresistible man? I must've missed something.
Oh, you're the sweetest little fella.
Rollo, that was my drink, and you put something in it.
Well, it wasn't my idea.
Oh, this time Mother has gone too far.
Maybe it won't hurt for her to get a taste of her own medicine.
Sam, what's going on? I think I'd better check my chicken.
And I think I'd better check mine.
I need a drink.
- Hello there.
- What? Where have you been all my life? I told you not to drink so much.
Has anyone ever told you you have eyes like a stricken fawn? - Love potion? - That's right.
- Rollo intended it for me.
- Oh, really? - Well, I've got something for him.
- Darrin.
- Samantha, please help me.
- What's the matter? Why are you running from me, beautiful creature? Will you leave me alone? - Bill, what's gotten into you? - I don't know, but it sure feels great.
I don't think it was nice of you to leave my mother and Mr.
Callahan alone.
What are you talking about? They've left.
Harriet, lover, come back! - Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
Sweetheart, why don't you go help Bill.
You mean Harriet, don't you? Rollo, why didn't you stop Mother? Are you joking? Do you think I want to spend the rest of my life as a frog? How long does that potion last? Exactly one hour.
The judge will be out in a minute.
Now, you folks just relax.
Getting married don't hurt none.
Boy, I thought I made quick decisions, but you got me beat all hollow.
My head's spinning.
I don't know how we got here.
- Witchcraft, darling.
When you're in love, the whole world's witchcraft.
You do want to marry me, don't you, sweetie? Well, yeah, sure.
It's all some kind of crazy dream anyway.
Rollo, how can you stand there and eat? - Mother may be in terrible trouble.
- Well, how will it help her if I starve? Samantha, is it all right if Darrin drives me home? - What about Bill? - I wouldn't get into a car with him.
Harriet, my love, why are you running from your sugarplum? Bill, hold it down.
You're obviously of age, so there's no problem about that.
- Where's your witness? - Witness? Do we need a witness? Sure.
You need two of them.
Edna here can stand up for one of you, but we still need somebody else.
- But we don't have anyone.
- Well, leave everything to me, darling.
Excuse me.
Rollo? I don't like to eat and run but I'd rather your mother didn't find me when she comes out of I have a hunch she found him.
Rollo? Oh, there you are, Rollo.
Come on in.
- You're going to be a witness.
- A witness.
To what? Mr.
Callahan and I are going to be married.
Isn't that wonderful? What's your first name, dear? Bo.
Where'd he come from? Rollo's always around when I need him.
So don't worry your head about it, you dear, sweet little man.
Oh, I'll I'll I'll I'll be right back.
Don't start without me.
Don't hide your heart, my little coquette.
I know you're in there, my little love bug.
Hey, do you want me to suffocate in here, sweetheart? If necessary.
- Where's Bill? - Let me out.
You can't run away from love.
Where'd you come from? Oh, out there.
I've got to talk to you, urgent.
Poopsie.
You can't run away from love.
Where is she? Where is that divine little she-devil? He's loose.
He's loose.
Sam, your mother's gonna get married.
I'm supposed to be the witness.
Married? Mother? Oh, she can't.
So you think.
They're at some justice of the peace.
- She's gonna pop me back there.
- Well, I have to stop her.
How? She's more powerful than both of us together.
- Well, I'll think of something.
Let's go.
- Where are you, lovebird? - Will you try to control yourself? - What about them? Come on.
You can't hide forever, pussycat.
- I got you.
- No, let me go.
- Let me go.
- Bill.
Bill, how about a cup of black? Sorry, sweetheart.
All right, Rollo.
Let's go.
Samantha, how marvellous.
You've come to your mama's wedding.
Mother, you can't get married.
Mother, don't you realize you're under a spell? I know, dear, but when you're in love, the whole world's under a spell.
Yeah, but Rollo, what's happening? - She doesn't remember Daddy.
- It's the love juice.
It blots out everyone but the love object.
- How much time have we got left? - Four minutes.
All right, judge.
We're ready.
Now, if you'll just join hands.
Dearly beloved Funny, I could have sworn I had my glasses on.
Can't read without them.
They were there a second ago.
Have you forgotten the ceremony? You must have performed this a hundred times.
I guess so.
Dearly beloved we We I can't remember what comes next.
Use this and read it.
I must say, you folks came prepared for everything.
Just one moment and we'll get this over with.
Samantha.
It saddens me, Samantha, that you can't behave yourself at your own mama's wedding.
You'll have to go home and stay home.
Oh, no, you don't, Mother.
You can't get rid of me that easily.
I guess she can.
Well, if I can't go to the wedding I do.
What happened? Where is everybody? Now, don't worry, Mr.
Callahan.
If everything goes all right, you won't remember a thing tomorrow.
Not bad, Samantha, but you're out-witched.
Proceed.
Edna, do you know what's going on? I think so.
He's having a dream, and we're all in it.
- Where was I? - The last line.
"I now pronounce you," et cetera, et cetera.
By the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you Oh, thank heaven.
Samantha, will you explain yourself? Who are all these people? She's snapped out of it, all right.
I must be losing my grip.
- She can't remember? - It's like a huge drunk.
When it wears off, you can remember very little.
Well, Mother, I'll explain later.
But first, I think we should let these good people go home.
- Rollo? - With pleasure.
This isn't a dream.
It's a nightmare.
What's going on? Where do you live, Mr.
Callahan? Well, the The Town House Hotel, but Good night, Mr.
Callahan.
I think I'll go and take care of the others.
- Endora, let me try and explain.
- Yes, I think you should.
Will you stop pawing me in public? Then let me out of this hammerlock.
What's been going on? Lt It really doesn't matter now, sweetheart.
Everything's back to normal.
She always gets this way when she's had a few too many.
Endora, I realize you're Samantha's mother and for that reason, I don't want to be rude.
So let me put it this way.
The next time you fly by this house why don't you.
Darrin, I really think that Mother's suffered enough.
Oh, don't remind me.
I shudder every time I think how close I came to calamity.
Mother, I know this is foolishly wishful, but I hope you've learned your lesson.
There is absolutely no way you can drive your witchly wedge between Darrin and me.
We made up our minds a long time ago that we belong together.
And we're very stubborn.
So won't you please give up? Before we give you up.
Are you threatening me? No, no.
No, no, Mother, he isn't.
He's just saying that, as guests go, he wishes you would.
Well! You really can't help admiring her style.
She's got something else I can't help admiring even more.