Bewitched (1964) s08e10 Episode Script
Hansel and Gretel in Samanthaland
Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.
"Deep in the forest, the woodcutter built a fire.
"'You stay here and rest, ' "the stepmother said to the children, "'and when we're ready, we'll come and fetch you.
' "So Hansel and Gretel sat by the fire and when lunchtime came, they had nothing to eat.
" A Do you know what was going through.
Hansel and Gretel's mind? Do you? No.
Well, they were thinking, "Boy, some kids sure are lucky.
"Some kids have stew with potatoes "and milk and chocolate cake for dinner and leave half of it on their plates.
" Now, where were we? Let's see.
Oh, here we are.
[GROWLS.]
"'What was that growling?' asked Gretel, clutching Hansel in fright.
" DARRIN: Honey, the Tates should be here any minute.
And I think your cheese puffs are burning.
Uh-oh.
Continued same time tomorrow.
What was that growling noise, Mommy? Sweetheart, you're old enough to finish reading the story to Adam.
[.]
Come on, Adam.
[TABITHA GROWLS.]
"'What was that growling noise" asked Gretel.
" A bear? Lion? Hansel's tummy.
It was growling from hunger.
See? Aren't they sad? I bet I could cheer them up.
TABITHA: Hi.
Don't be scared, it's only me.
HANSEL: Who are you? Tabitha.
And this is my brother Adam.
We wanna cheer you up.
I'm Hansel and this is my sister Gretel.
Are you really hungry? We haven't had anything to eat since last night's supper.
That's terrible.
I'm going to get you something to eat.
How did you do that? Like this.
It only works for witches.
Witches are only in stories.
I'm a witch.
You couldn't be.
Witches are mean, ugly, old hags.
I'm a good witch.
And I'll prove it to you by getting you something to eat.
[.]
[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
[.]
I made another batch of cheese puffs.
Mm, they smell good enough to eat.
I thought you might like some before Larry and Louise get here.
I'll be right with you.
I just wanna fix these flowers.
[SNIFFS.]
Hey, something smells good.
My mommy's cheese puffs.
Do you suppose we could have some? That's what I promised.
Besides, Mommy always makes extras.
[.]
At the risk of hurting your feelings, I thought you were on a diet.
I am.
Why? Do I look, uh? I said have some, not the whole platter.
I had one cheese puff.
Darrin, either they disappeared into thin air or into your stomach.
Don't put any money on my stomach.
Put it on one of your whacked-out relatives.
Serena.
That's it.
She always did like my cheese puffs.
Serena.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Oh, Serena, stop horsing round.
Hm.
Well, maybe it was Mother.
Anyway, I'll fix some more.
I'm going to get the ice for the drink I'm going to need.
[.]
I guess you really are a witch.
These are the best cheese puffs we've ever tasted.
These are the only cheese puffs we've ever tasted.
Are you still hungry? Yeah.
Do you like leg of lamb? I don't know, but we'll take a chance.
Good, we're having leg of lamb for dinner.
I'll get you some.
Wouldn't your parents be mad? No, they always taught Adam and me to share.
Would you like to stay over and have breakfast too? Papa wouldn't let us.
I'll ask him.
But you don't know Papa.
He doesn't know me.
[.]
That's some trick.
It's easy when you know how.
Now, how do I find your father? Just wander around.
If you don't find him, he'll find you.
Sweetheart, I wish you'd try to relax.
The leg of lamb is on its way.
So just take it Sam.
I'll be right back.
I'll follow the floating leg of lamb and find the culprit.
[.]
What are you two doing here? We're about to have our breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I'm Hansel, she's Gretel.
And this is leg of lamb.
Who are you? I happen to be the mother of a very naughty witch.
Incidentally, where is she? She went into the book to ask Papa if we could sleep over.
Oh, my stars.
DARRIN: Sam, did you find out what happened to the? I knew I was gonna need this.
Sam, what's going on? Who are these kids? And where is Tabitha? Well [SIGHS.]
Uh, this is Hansel and-and this is Gretel.
And Tabitha went into the storybook to ask their papa if they could spend the night.
Which means I have to go into the book to find her.
This isn't the kind of story you should fool around in.
There's a mean witch in it.
Which really isn't as awful as it sounds.
It's all part of growing up.
Nothing to worry about, really.
This is Hansel and this is Gretel.
That's a book and Tabitha went into that book.
And you're telling me this is part of growing up and nothing to worry about? Right.
Well, except the witch.
Oh, yeah, that witch is really mean.
She's always turning children into pies and eating them for dessert.
Bye.
I'll be right back.
Don't let Hansel and Gretel out of your sight.
Okay.
Tabitha.
Tabitha? [.]
They'll never believe this down at the psychiatrist's.
Tabitha? Tabitha? Tabitha? [.]
WITCH: Nibble, nibble, like a mouse, who is nibbling at my house? What you want, mister? You better do something about those glasses.
I better do something about these glasses.
Look, whatever you are makes no never mind to me.
Nibbling on private property is against the law.
Ate away half my roof, you glutton.
Well, I'm sorry, but I was nervous.
Uh, I'm looking for my daughter.
Eh? Daughter.
Won't find no water around here.
My well's gone dry.
[YELLS.]
I'm looking for a little girl called Tabitha.
What are you yelling about? I don't know no Tabitha.
I know a Gretel and that's all I know.
Look, whoever you are, I'm a very wicked, old witch, and I'm getting sick and tired of you snooping around.
You don't belong here.
This is a restricted story.
Not that I'm prejudiced or anything but I have a fond respect for the classics, and you don't belong in this classic.
Now scat.
Scat.
Okay, you old bat.
I heard that.
Sorry.
Tabitha.
Tabitha.
[CACKLES.]
[.]
Well, now, how do you expect to grow up to be a nice, plump Tabitha pie if you don't eat? [LAUGHS.]
I don't wanna be a fat pie.
I wanna be a nice, skinny witch, like my mommy.
Well, you're a selfish little girl.
I was expecting Hansel and Gretel, but being as you've intruded, you'll do.
Heh-heh-heh.
If you don't let me out, I'll do some magic to you.
Try it.
All storybook witches are stronger than real little-girl witches.
[LAUGHS.]
I want my mommy.
Don't worry about your mommy, she won't be lonely.
She has a Hansel and a Gretel, instead of a stupid little Tabitha.
[CACKLES.]
Adam, I wish your mommy would hurry back.
It isn't that I don't like children.
This just isn't my idea of a fun evening.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Uh-oh.
That must be Larry and Louise.
Now, you stay right here.
Oh.
Well, hi.
Hi, there.
Hope we're not early.
No, just fine.
Good.
[CHUCKLING.]
Darrin, why are you carrying that leg of lamb? Well, in the condition it's in, it couldn't very well walk by itself.
[LAUGHS.]
Where's Samantha? She's upstairs doing, uh, something for Tabitha.
I've been covering for her in the kitchen.
Make yourselves comfortable, while I exchange this leg of lamb for some cheese puffs.
Mm.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello.
Well, well, what have we here? I'm Hansel and this is Gretel.
Hansel and Gretel, huh? That's right.
How do you do? Gretel? We live in the forest with our father the woodcarver.
And we have nothing to eat and we're hungry.
Oh, you sound like you're right out of a fairy tale.
We are.
Tabitha got us out.
Actually, uh, Tabitha got them in.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, these are friends of Tabitha's from down the street.
They're in a, uh A play that Sam is putting on for charity.
Oh, well, isn't that nice? I'm surprised Samantha didn't mention it.
Well, it just came up.
Oh, well, they're certainly cute costumes.
Yes, yes.
Heh, heh.
Well, come on, kids, time to go home.
They're neighborhood kids, live right down the block.
Can't we have something to eat first? There's nothing to eat at our house.
They're Method actors.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[LAUGHS.]
They're really into their parts.
Darrin, have you been drinking? No.
Neither have we.
Oh, well, here.
What'll you have? Uh, do you have any bouillon? I'd love a bullshot.
I think I'll stick with Scotch and water.
Uh, Louise, wouldn't you rather have a Scotch and water? It's closer.
Excuse me while I get the bouillon.
[.]
We'll go out and find something to eat.
It's nice meeting you.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Aren't they cute? Where are the kids? Oh, they went home.
What? Well, why'd you let them? Well, you just got through telling them to go home.
As a matter of fact, you were a little psyched-out on the subject.
But they Uh.
The costumes.
They took the costumes with them.
Well, I'm sure they'll bring them back.
How can they bring them back, if they get lost? How can they get lost, when you told us they live just down the block? But, it's a long block.
It could be pitch black by the time they get home.
Uh, I'll be right back.
Darrin.
Hm? Oh, forgive me, Louise.
Uh, Larry, I'm sorry to impose but would you mind making the drinks? Believe me, it's no imposition.
Hansel? Gretel? Hansel? Gretel? Uh, pardon me, sir.
Have you seen two little children about so high who answer to the name of Hansel and Gretel? No, but Rumpelstiltskin was by a few minutes ago with a spinning wheel on his back.
That's funny.
Hansel? Gretel? [.]
Tabitha? Tabitha? Pardon me, are you Hansel and Gretel's stepmother? It depends.
Who are you? Well, I'm here to To collect for the poor? Oh, have you come to the wrong house.
We are the poor.
Is this the home of the woodcutter? You call this a home? Oh, the promises he made to me to talk me into this story.
"Brunhilda," he said, "I will become a famous woodcutter.
" He became famous all right.
Famous for his poverty.
Believe me, madam, your life will have a happy ending.
How do you know? Are you a fortune teller? No, not really.
I'm a witch, and I'm looking for Wait a minute.
Where did you come from? From there.
Oh, that miserable Wolfgang.
"Don't go into the forest, Brunhilda, "it's dangerous.
"There's a mean, old, ugly, wicked witch that lives there.
" No.
No, you don't understand.
Oh, I understand, all right, why he keeps going into the forest every day to, quote, "look for some wood to cut," unquote.
What he's really looking for is, quote, "a little hanky-panky with the beautiful witch," unquote.
Will you please listen? My name is Samantha.
I am a witch, but not in this story.
If you're talking to me, you're in this story.
No, no, you see, I I am looking for my daughter, Tabitha.
She's about this high and she has blonde I haven't seen her.
Maybe she got lost in the forest and the witch got her.
If there is a witch.
There is.
I was there.
She said she hadn't seen her either.
And you believed her? Sure, I believed her.
Why did I believe her? You're not supposed to believe fairy-tale witches.
Tabitha? Tabitha? [.]
Do you really think you need another drink? Louise, I've got to have some kind of nourishment.
Have a cheese puff.
I said, nourishment.
[.]
Are the kids back? No.
How about Sam? Well, she hasn't come down yet.
Do you think something's wrong? Wrong? What could be wrong? I'll check.
Uh, have another drink.
Well, I think there's something radically wrong here.
Only if they run out of Scotch.
[.]
WITCH: Nibble, nibble like a mouse, who is nibbling at my house? Just knock it off and come out here.
Yes? It's me again.
Go away.
I'm about to bake my supper.
And who would that be? I don't give out recipes.
Now take off, before I do something [CACKLES.]
nasty.
You mean, like this? [SCREAMS.]
Give me back my cane.
Oh, gladly.
This isn't a cane, it's a wand.
Of course.
And I am going to turn you into a fairy godmother.
For your information, you're not messing around with any storybook witch.
I happen to be the real thing.
I can't be a fairy godmother.
A fairy godmother is good and sweet.
Yuck.
And kind.
It'll ruin the story.
Yes, I know.
Oh, please, please.
You can't do this to millions of little children.
Okay.
Where's Tabitha? What did you say your daughter's name was? Tabitha.
Tabitha Stephens.
Oh, that Tabitha.
Oh, she's a lovely child.
I tell you what.
You turn me back and I'll take you right to her.
[CACKLES.]
Thank you, thank you.
Come, come.
[.]
Mommy.
Hi, sweetheart.
I can't say I'm not glad to see you.
But when I get over my relief, I am going to be very angry.
How can you be angry at this poor, little darling? Poor dear was wandering around in the woods lost, and Grandma put her in the guest room.
Well, we'll have her out in a minute, as soon as I find the key.
Let's go.
Good riddance.
[CACKLES.]
All right, young lady, now you stay right here.
You have been a very naughty girl, and believe me, there's going to be some serious discussion later.
Okay, Mommy.
Thank you very much, officers, for bringing the kids home.
But we don't live here.
Well, where do you live? We live in the forest.
These are real wiseacre kids.
You can never get a straight answer from them.
LARRY: What's the trouble, officers? Oh, don't worry, Larry, I'll handle it.
Why don't you fix another drink? I just fixed myself another drink.
Well, then, fix me one.
All right.
Now, what's the problem, officer? I'll tell you what's the problem.
What's the problem, officer? I'll tell you what's the problem.
It's about time.
I'll explain.
What's the problem, officer? I'll tell you If you'll let me finish the sentence, I'll tell you what's the problem.
The problem is these two kids were caught stealing ice cream from a street vendor.
Now, two popsicles we can overlook, but two gallons? We were very hungry.
And we can't get their names out of them.
We told you.
I'm Hansel and she's Gretel.
And I told you, I'm Humpty and he's Dumpty.
And you know what they said when we asked their last names? OFFICER 1: Said they didn't have one.
They were too poor to have one.
Look, officer, how much was the ice cream? We'll make it good.
Oh, no, no, no, ma'am.
That won't teach them a lesson.
After all, we have to maintain law and order in the streets.
First it's ice cream, next it's banks.
Well, you say they're not your kids.
Now, where do they live? We told you, in the forest.
Uh, they are very imaginative children.
Uh, actually, they live at 1432 Forest Lane Drive.
Fine.
We have to make a report on it.
We'll notify their parents.
Come on, kids.
It's okay, kids.
Uh, you'll be going home in just a second.
Tell Tabitha, thank you very much for the cheese puffs.
You're welcome.
All right, hurry up, we're wasting time here.
[.]
Charley? Yeah? Did you see what I saw? What did you see? Well, I'd rather not say.
If you'd rather not say, why should I pry? [.]
Where'd they go? They're upstairs.
I'll go up and see to it they get back in the book.
You cover with Larry and Louise.
Why don't you two have a little drink before? I don't think Larry needs another drink.
Louise, I'm sorry.
Larry? [SNORES.]
[.]
[.]
This is the first time in my life I've had a hangover before dinner.
Well, I'm very sorry, Larry, but, uh, I was having a little trouble with Tabitha.
Yes.
It's this play that Sam is directing for charity.
Tabitha was very jealous, because she wanted to play the part of Gretel instead of the part of the wicked, old witch and [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
You know how it is with these temperamental actresses.
Well, those kids you got to play Hansel and Gretel are certainly convincing.
Yes.
Yes, they were, weren't they? When's the play going to be, Samantha? When? Oh, I don't know.
Uh, sometime next month.
Oh, that's a shame.
They seem ready right now.
Oh, yes, they're ready, but we're not scheduled until later.
Oh, where is it going to be? Where? At the community center, but it isn't available until next month.
Say, I have an idea.
I belong to the Women's League, you know, and we have an auditorium that seats 300 people and it's available any time.
A-any time, huh? Well, I don't know if I can get the sets and everything ready.
Oh, don't worry, I'll pitch in and help.
You just worry about the creative work.
You're very good at that, Sam.
How did you, uh, get started on this play? It was Darrin's idea.
[.]
[.]
"Deep in the forest, the woodcutter built a fire.
"'You stay here and rest, ' "the stepmother said to the children, "'and when we're ready, we'll come and fetch you.
' "So Hansel and Gretel sat by the fire and when lunchtime came, they had nothing to eat.
" A Do you know what was going through.
Hansel and Gretel's mind? Do you? No.
Well, they were thinking, "Boy, some kids sure are lucky.
"Some kids have stew with potatoes "and milk and chocolate cake for dinner and leave half of it on their plates.
" Now, where were we? Let's see.
Oh, here we are.
[GROWLS.]
"'What was that growling?' asked Gretel, clutching Hansel in fright.
" DARRIN: Honey, the Tates should be here any minute.
And I think your cheese puffs are burning.
Uh-oh.
Continued same time tomorrow.
What was that growling noise, Mommy? Sweetheart, you're old enough to finish reading the story to Adam.
[.]
Come on, Adam.
[TABITHA GROWLS.]
"'What was that growling noise" asked Gretel.
" A bear? Lion? Hansel's tummy.
It was growling from hunger.
See? Aren't they sad? I bet I could cheer them up.
TABITHA: Hi.
Don't be scared, it's only me.
HANSEL: Who are you? Tabitha.
And this is my brother Adam.
We wanna cheer you up.
I'm Hansel and this is my sister Gretel.
Are you really hungry? We haven't had anything to eat since last night's supper.
That's terrible.
I'm going to get you something to eat.
How did you do that? Like this.
It only works for witches.
Witches are only in stories.
I'm a witch.
You couldn't be.
Witches are mean, ugly, old hags.
I'm a good witch.
And I'll prove it to you by getting you something to eat.
[.]
[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
[.]
[.]
I made another batch of cheese puffs.
Mm, they smell good enough to eat.
I thought you might like some before Larry and Louise get here.
I'll be right with you.
I just wanna fix these flowers.
[SNIFFS.]
Hey, something smells good.
My mommy's cheese puffs.
Do you suppose we could have some? That's what I promised.
Besides, Mommy always makes extras.
[.]
At the risk of hurting your feelings, I thought you were on a diet.
I am.
Why? Do I look, uh? I said have some, not the whole platter.
I had one cheese puff.
Darrin, either they disappeared into thin air or into your stomach.
Don't put any money on my stomach.
Put it on one of your whacked-out relatives.
Serena.
That's it.
She always did like my cheese puffs.
Serena.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Oh, Serena, stop horsing round.
Hm.
Well, maybe it was Mother.
Anyway, I'll fix some more.
I'm going to get the ice for the drink I'm going to need.
[.]
I guess you really are a witch.
These are the best cheese puffs we've ever tasted.
These are the only cheese puffs we've ever tasted.
Are you still hungry? Yeah.
Do you like leg of lamb? I don't know, but we'll take a chance.
Good, we're having leg of lamb for dinner.
I'll get you some.
Wouldn't your parents be mad? No, they always taught Adam and me to share.
Would you like to stay over and have breakfast too? Papa wouldn't let us.
I'll ask him.
But you don't know Papa.
He doesn't know me.
[.]
That's some trick.
It's easy when you know how.
Now, how do I find your father? Just wander around.
If you don't find him, he'll find you.
Sweetheart, I wish you'd try to relax.
The leg of lamb is on its way.
So just take it Sam.
I'll be right back.
I'll follow the floating leg of lamb and find the culprit.
[.]
What are you two doing here? We're about to have our breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I'm Hansel, she's Gretel.
And this is leg of lamb.
Who are you? I happen to be the mother of a very naughty witch.
Incidentally, where is she? She went into the book to ask Papa if we could sleep over.
Oh, my stars.
DARRIN: Sam, did you find out what happened to the? I knew I was gonna need this.
Sam, what's going on? Who are these kids? And where is Tabitha? Well [SIGHS.]
Uh, this is Hansel and-and this is Gretel.
And Tabitha went into the storybook to ask their papa if they could spend the night.
Which means I have to go into the book to find her.
This isn't the kind of story you should fool around in.
There's a mean witch in it.
Which really isn't as awful as it sounds.
It's all part of growing up.
Nothing to worry about, really.
This is Hansel and this is Gretel.
That's a book and Tabitha went into that book.
And you're telling me this is part of growing up and nothing to worry about? Right.
Well, except the witch.
Oh, yeah, that witch is really mean.
She's always turning children into pies and eating them for dessert.
Bye.
I'll be right back.
Don't let Hansel and Gretel out of your sight.
Okay.
Tabitha.
Tabitha? [.]
They'll never believe this down at the psychiatrist's.
Tabitha? Tabitha? Tabitha? [.]
WITCH: Nibble, nibble, like a mouse, who is nibbling at my house? What you want, mister? You better do something about those glasses.
I better do something about these glasses.
Look, whatever you are makes no never mind to me.
Nibbling on private property is against the law.
Ate away half my roof, you glutton.
Well, I'm sorry, but I was nervous.
Uh, I'm looking for my daughter.
Eh? Daughter.
Won't find no water around here.
My well's gone dry.
[YELLS.]
I'm looking for a little girl called Tabitha.
What are you yelling about? I don't know no Tabitha.
I know a Gretel and that's all I know.
Look, whoever you are, I'm a very wicked, old witch, and I'm getting sick and tired of you snooping around.
You don't belong here.
This is a restricted story.
Not that I'm prejudiced or anything but I have a fond respect for the classics, and you don't belong in this classic.
Now scat.
Scat.
Okay, you old bat.
I heard that.
Sorry.
Tabitha.
Tabitha.
[CACKLES.]
[.]
Well, now, how do you expect to grow up to be a nice, plump Tabitha pie if you don't eat? [LAUGHS.]
I don't wanna be a fat pie.
I wanna be a nice, skinny witch, like my mommy.
Well, you're a selfish little girl.
I was expecting Hansel and Gretel, but being as you've intruded, you'll do.
Heh-heh-heh.
If you don't let me out, I'll do some magic to you.
Try it.
All storybook witches are stronger than real little-girl witches.
[LAUGHS.]
I want my mommy.
Don't worry about your mommy, she won't be lonely.
She has a Hansel and a Gretel, instead of a stupid little Tabitha.
[CACKLES.]
Adam, I wish your mommy would hurry back.
It isn't that I don't like children.
This just isn't my idea of a fun evening.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Uh-oh.
That must be Larry and Louise.
Now, you stay right here.
Oh.
Well, hi.
Hi, there.
Hope we're not early.
No, just fine.
Good.
[CHUCKLING.]
Darrin, why are you carrying that leg of lamb? Well, in the condition it's in, it couldn't very well walk by itself.
[LAUGHS.]
Where's Samantha? She's upstairs doing, uh, something for Tabitha.
I've been covering for her in the kitchen.
Make yourselves comfortable, while I exchange this leg of lamb for some cheese puffs.
Mm.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello.
Well, well, what have we here? I'm Hansel and this is Gretel.
Hansel and Gretel, huh? That's right.
How do you do? Gretel? We live in the forest with our father the woodcarver.
And we have nothing to eat and we're hungry.
Oh, you sound like you're right out of a fairy tale.
We are.
Tabitha got us out.
Actually, uh, Tabitha got them in.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh, these are friends of Tabitha's from down the street.
They're in a, uh A play that Sam is putting on for charity.
Oh, well, isn't that nice? I'm surprised Samantha didn't mention it.
Well, it just came up.
Oh, well, they're certainly cute costumes.
Yes, yes.
Heh, heh.
Well, come on, kids, time to go home.
They're neighborhood kids, live right down the block.
Can't we have something to eat first? There's nothing to eat at our house.
They're Method actors.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[LAUGHS.]
They're really into their parts.
Darrin, have you been drinking? No.
Neither have we.
Oh, well, here.
What'll you have? Uh, do you have any bouillon? I'd love a bullshot.
I think I'll stick with Scotch and water.
Uh, Louise, wouldn't you rather have a Scotch and water? It's closer.
Excuse me while I get the bouillon.
[.]
We'll go out and find something to eat.
It's nice meeting you.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Aren't they cute? Where are the kids? Oh, they went home.
What? Well, why'd you let them? Well, you just got through telling them to go home.
As a matter of fact, you were a little psyched-out on the subject.
But they Uh.
The costumes.
They took the costumes with them.
Well, I'm sure they'll bring them back.
How can they bring them back, if they get lost? How can they get lost, when you told us they live just down the block? But, it's a long block.
It could be pitch black by the time they get home.
Uh, I'll be right back.
Darrin.
Hm? Oh, forgive me, Louise.
Uh, Larry, I'm sorry to impose but would you mind making the drinks? Believe me, it's no imposition.
Hansel? Gretel? Hansel? Gretel? Uh, pardon me, sir.
Have you seen two little children about so high who answer to the name of Hansel and Gretel? No, but Rumpelstiltskin was by a few minutes ago with a spinning wheel on his back.
That's funny.
Hansel? Gretel? [.]
Tabitha? Tabitha? Pardon me, are you Hansel and Gretel's stepmother? It depends.
Who are you? Well, I'm here to To collect for the poor? Oh, have you come to the wrong house.
We are the poor.
Is this the home of the woodcutter? You call this a home? Oh, the promises he made to me to talk me into this story.
"Brunhilda," he said, "I will become a famous woodcutter.
" He became famous all right.
Famous for his poverty.
Believe me, madam, your life will have a happy ending.
How do you know? Are you a fortune teller? No, not really.
I'm a witch, and I'm looking for Wait a minute.
Where did you come from? From there.
Oh, that miserable Wolfgang.
"Don't go into the forest, Brunhilda, "it's dangerous.
"There's a mean, old, ugly, wicked witch that lives there.
" No.
No, you don't understand.
Oh, I understand, all right, why he keeps going into the forest every day to, quote, "look for some wood to cut," unquote.
What he's really looking for is, quote, "a little hanky-panky with the beautiful witch," unquote.
Will you please listen? My name is Samantha.
I am a witch, but not in this story.
If you're talking to me, you're in this story.
No, no, you see, I I am looking for my daughter, Tabitha.
She's about this high and she has blonde I haven't seen her.
Maybe she got lost in the forest and the witch got her.
If there is a witch.
There is.
I was there.
She said she hadn't seen her either.
And you believed her? Sure, I believed her.
Why did I believe her? You're not supposed to believe fairy-tale witches.
Tabitha? Tabitha? [.]
Do you really think you need another drink? Louise, I've got to have some kind of nourishment.
Have a cheese puff.
I said, nourishment.
[.]
Are the kids back? No.
How about Sam? Well, she hasn't come down yet.
Do you think something's wrong? Wrong? What could be wrong? I'll check.
Uh, have another drink.
Well, I think there's something radically wrong here.
Only if they run out of Scotch.
[.]
WITCH: Nibble, nibble like a mouse, who is nibbling at my house? Just knock it off and come out here.
Yes? It's me again.
Go away.
I'm about to bake my supper.
And who would that be? I don't give out recipes.
Now take off, before I do something [CACKLES.]
nasty.
You mean, like this? [SCREAMS.]
Give me back my cane.
Oh, gladly.
This isn't a cane, it's a wand.
Of course.
And I am going to turn you into a fairy godmother.
For your information, you're not messing around with any storybook witch.
I happen to be the real thing.
I can't be a fairy godmother.
A fairy godmother is good and sweet.
Yuck.
And kind.
It'll ruin the story.
Yes, I know.
Oh, please, please.
You can't do this to millions of little children.
Okay.
Where's Tabitha? What did you say your daughter's name was? Tabitha.
Tabitha Stephens.
Oh, that Tabitha.
Oh, she's a lovely child.
I tell you what.
You turn me back and I'll take you right to her.
[CACKLES.]
Thank you, thank you.
Come, come.
[.]
Mommy.
Hi, sweetheart.
I can't say I'm not glad to see you.
But when I get over my relief, I am going to be very angry.
How can you be angry at this poor, little darling? Poor dear was wandering around in the woods lost, and Grandma put her in the guest room.
Well, we'll have her out in a minute, as soon as I find the key.
Let's go.
Good riddance.
[CACKLES.]
All right, young lady, now you stay right here.
You have been a very naughty girl, and believe me, there's going to be some serious discussion later.
Okay, Mommy.
Thank you very much, officers, for bringing the kids home.
But we don't live here.
Well, where do you live? We live in the forest.
These are real wiseacre kids.
You can never get a straight answer from them.
LARRY: What's the trouble, officers? Oh, don't worry, Larry, I'll handle it.
Why don't you fix another drink? I just fixed myself another drink.
Well, then, fix me one.
All right.
Now, what's the problem, officer? I'll tell you what's the problem.
What's the problem, officer? I'll tell you what's the problem.
It's about time.
I'll explain.
What's the problem, officer? I'll tell you If you'll let me finish the sentence, I'll tell you what's the problem.
The problem is these two kids were caught stealing ice cream from a street vendor.
Now, two popsicles we can overlook, but two gallons? We were very hungry.
And we can't get their names out of them.
We told you.
I'm Hansel and she's Gretel.
And I told you, I'm Humpty and he's Dumpty.
And you know what they said when we asked their last names? OFFICER 1: Said they didn't have one.
They were too poor to have one.
Look, officer, how much was the ice cream? We'll make it good.
Oh, no, no, no, ma'am.
That won't teach them a lesson.
After all, we have to maintain law and order in the streets.
First it's ice cream, next it's banks.
Well, you say they're not your kids.
Now, where do they live? We told you, in the forest.
Uh, they are very imaginative children.
Uh, actually, they live at 1432 Forest Lane Drive.
Fine.
We have to make a report on it.
We'll notify their parents.
Come on, kids.
It's okay, kids.
Uh, you'll be going home in just a second.
Tell Tabitha, thank you very much for the cheese puffs.
You're welcome.
All right, hurry up, we're wasting time here.
[.]
Charley? Yeah? Did you see what I saw? What did you see? Well, I'd rather not say.
If you'd rather not say, why should I pry? [.]
Where'd they go? They're upstairs.
I'll go up and see to it they get back in the book.
You cover with Larry and Louise.
Why don't you two have a little drink before? I don't think Larry needs another drink.
Louise, I'm sorry.
Larry? [SNORES.]
[.]
[.]
This is the first time in my life I've had a hangover before dinner.
Well, I'm very sorry, Larry, but, uh, I was having a little trouble with Tabitha.
Yes.
It's this play that Sam is directing for charity.
Tabitha was very jealous, because she wanted to play the part of Gretel instead of the part of the wicked, old witch and [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
You know how it is with these temperamental actresses.
Well, those kids you got to play Hansel and Gretel are certainly convincing.
Yes.
Yes, they were, weren't they? When's the play going to be, Samantha? When? Oh, I don't know.
Uh, sometime next month.
Oh, that's a shame.
They seem ready right now.
Oh, yes, they're ready, but we're not scheduled until later.
Oh, where is it going to be? Where? At the community center, but it isn't available until next month.
Say, I have an idea.
I belong to the Women's League, you know, and we have an auditorium that seats 300 people and it's available any time.
A-any time, huh? Well, I don't know if I can get the sets and everything ready.
Oh, don't worry, I'll pitch in and help.
You just worry about the creative work.
You're very good at that, Sam.
How did you, uh, get started on this play? It was Darrin's idea.
[.]
[.]