Big Bang Theory s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

If a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either is observed.
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it will not go through both.
If unobserved, it will.
If it's observed after it left the plane, before it hits its target.
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it will not have gone through both slits.
-Agreed.
What's your point? There's no point, I just think it's a good idea for a T-shirt.
-Excuse me.
-Hang on.
One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov.
Twenty-six across is MCM.
Fourteen down is-- Move your finger.
--phylum, which makes 1 4 across Port-Au-Prince.
See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-Au-Prince.
Haiti.
-Can I help you? -Yes.
Um, is this the high-IQ sperm bank? If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here.
I think this is the place.
-Fill these out.
-Thank you.
-We'll be right back.
-Oh, take your time.
I'll just finish my crossword puzzle.
Oh, wait.
Leonard, I don't think I can do this.
What, are you kidding? You're a semipro.
No.
We are committing genetic fraud.
There's no guarantee our sperm's going to generate high-IQ offspring.
Think about that.
I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.
Sheldon, this was your idea.
A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment? I know.
And I do yearn for faster downloads.
There's some poor woman who's gonna pin her hopes on my sperm.
What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use.
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a differential to solve for the area under a curve? -I'm sure she'll still love him.
-I wouldn't.
Well, what do you wanna do? -I want to leave.
-Okay.
-What's the protocol for leaving? -I don't know.
I've never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.
Let's try just walking out.
Okay.
-Are you still mad about the sperm bank? -No.
You wanna hear an interesting thing about stairs? Not really.
If the height of a step is off by as little as two millimeters -.
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most people will trip.
-I don't care.
Two millime--? That doesn't seem right.
It's true.
I did a series of experiments when I was 1 2.
My father broke his clavicle.
Is that why they sent you to boarding school? No.
That was the result of my work with lasers.
I go ahead and smile New neighbor? Evidently.
Significant improvement over the old neighbor.
Two-hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes, she is.
Oh, hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Hi? We don't mean to interrupt.
We live across the hall.
Oh, that's nice.
No.
We don't live together.
I mean .
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we live together, but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.
Okay, well, guess I’m your new neighbor.
-Penny.
-Leonard.
Sheldon.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Hi.
Well.
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Oh, welcome to the building.
Oh, thank you.
Maybe we can have coffee sometime.
-Oh, great.
-Great.
-Great.
-Great.
Well, bye.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Should we have invited her for lunch? No.
We're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica.
We already watched the season two DVDs.
Not with commentary.
I think we should be good neighbors.
Invite her over, make her feel welcome.
We never invited Louie/Louise over.
Well, and that was wrong of us.
We need to widen our circle.
I have a very wide circle.
I have 21 2 friends on MySpace.
Yes, and you've never met one of them.
That's the beauty of it.
I'm gonna invite her over.
We'll have a nice meal and chat.
Chat? We don't chat, at least not off-line.
Well, it's not difficult.
You just listen to what she says.
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and then you say something appropriate in response.
To what end? -Hi.
Again.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Anyway.
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we brought home Indian food.
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and I know that moving can be stressful.
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and I find that when I'm undergoing stress.
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that good food and company can have a comforting effect.
Also, curry's a natural laxative and I don't have to tell you that, you know.
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a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.
I'm no expert, but in the context of a lunch invitation.
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you might wanna skip the reference to bowel movements.
Oh, you're inviting me over to eat? Yes.
Oh, that's so nice.
I'd love to.
Great.
So, what do you guys do for fun around here? Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
-Okay, well, make yourself at home.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
-You're very welcome.
You're very welcome.
This looks like some serious stuff.
Leonard, did you do this? Actually, that's my work.
Wow.
Yeah, well, it's just some quantum mechanics .
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with a little string theory doodling around the edges.
That part's just a joke.
It's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.
So you're, like, one of those Beautiful Mind genius guys.
Yeah.
This is really impressive.
I have a board, if you like boards.
This is my board.
Holy smokes.
If by "holy smokes," you mean a derivative restatement of the stuff.
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you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.
-What? -Oh, come on.
Who hasn't seen this differential below "here I sit brokenhearted"? At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.
-I didn't invent them.
They're there.
-In what universe? In all of them, that is the point.
Do you guys mind if I start? -Penny.
-Yeah? That's where I sit.
So sit next to me.
-No, I sit there.
-What's the difference? -What's the difference? -Here we go.
In winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm.
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yet not so close as to cause perspiration.
In the summer, it's in a cross breeze created by opening windows there and there.
It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, discouraging conversation.
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nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion.
I could go on, but I think I've made my point.
Do you want me to move? -Well .
-Just sit somewhere else.
Fine.
Sheldon, sit.
Ah.
Well, this is nice.
We don't have a lot of company over.
That's not true.
Koothrappali and Wolowitz come over.
Yes, I know.
Tuesday night we played Klingon Boggle until 1 in the morning.
-Yeah, I remember.
-I resent you saying we don't have company.
-That has a negative social implication.
-I said I’m sorry.
So .
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Klingon Boggle? Yeah.
It's like regular Boggle, but in Klingon.
That's probably enough about us.
So tell us about you.
Me? Okay.
I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion.
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that the sun's position relative to arbitrary constellations .
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at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Participate in the what? I think what Sheldon's trying to say .
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is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign.
Okay, let's see, what else? Oh, I’m a vegetarian.
No, except for fish, and the occasional steak.
I love steak.
Well, that's interesting.
Leonard can't process corn.
So do you have some sort of a job? Oh, yeah.
I'm a waitress at The Cheesecake Factory.
I love cheesecake.
-You're lactose intolerant.
-I don't eat it, I think it's a good idea.
Anyways, I’m also writing a screenplay.
It's about this sensitive girl who comes to L.
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from Lincoln, Nebraska .
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to be an actress and winds up a waitress at The Cheesecake Factory.
So it's based on your life.
No, I'm from Omaha.
If that was a movie, I would go see it.
I know, right? Okay, let's see, what else? I guess that's about it.
That's the story of Penny.
Well, it sounds wonderful.
It was.
Until I fell in love with a jerk.
What is happening? I don't know.
Oh, God, you know, four years I lived with him.
Four years.
That's like as long as high school.
It took you four years to get through high school? I just-- I can't believe I trusted him.
Should I say something? I feel I should say something.
You? No, you'll only make it worse.
You wanna know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts .
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I still love him.
Is that crazy? Yes.
No, it's not crazy.
It's a-- It's a paradox.
Paradoxes are part of nature.
I mean, think about light.
If you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double-slit experiments.
But then, along comes Albert Einstein .
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and discovers that light behaves like particles too.
Well, I didn't make it worse.
Oh, I’m so sorry I'm such a mess.
And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving.
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and my stupid shower doesn't work.
Our shower works.
Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it? -Yes.
-No.
-No? -No.
No.
It's right down the hall.
Okay, thanks.
You guys are really sweet.
Well, this is an interesting development.
How so? It has been some time.
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since we've had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.
That's not true.
Remember at Thanksgiving .
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my grandmother with Alzheimer's had that episode? Point taken.
It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off.
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after which we didn't wanna rip our eyes out.
The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here? Excuse me? That woman in there is not going to have sex with you.
Well, I'm not trying to have sex with her.
Oh, good.
Then you won't be disappointed.
What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me? I'm a male and she's a female.
Yes, but not of the same species.
I'm not gonna engage in hypotheticals here.
-I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.
-Oh, of course.
That's not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop .
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that I wouldn't participate.
However briefly.
Do you think this possibility will be hindered.
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when she discovers your Luke Skywalker "no more tears" shampoo? It's Darth Vader shampoo.
Luke Skywalker's the conditioner.
-Wait till you see this.
-It's fantastic.
Unbelievable.
See what? It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1 974.
This isn't a good time.
It's before he became .
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a creepy computer voice.
-That's great, you guys have to go.
-Why? -It's just not a good time.
-Leonard has a lady over.
Yeah, right.
Your grandmother back in town? No.
And she's not a lady, she's just a new neighbor.
Hang on, there really is a lady here? -Uh-huh.
-And you want us out.
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because you're anticipating coitus? -I'm not anticipating coitus.
-So she's available for coitus? Can we please just stop saying "coitus"? Technically, that would be coitus interruptus.
Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower? Oh, hi, sorry.
Hello.
Enchanté, mademoiselle.
Howard Wolowitz, CalTech Department of Applied Physics.
You may be familiar with some of my work.
It's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon .
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taking high-resolution digital photographs.
Penny.
I work at The Cheesecake Factory.
-I'll show you the trick with the shower.
-Okay.
I'm sorry? It's French for "good shower.
" It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Save it for your blog, Howard.
All right, there it goes.
It sticks, I’m sorry.
-Okay, thanks.
-You're welcome.
Oh, you're just gonna step right--? Okay.
Hey, Leonard? - The hair products are Sheldon's.
Okay.
-Um, can I ask you a favor? -A favor? Sure, you could ask me a favor.
I would do you a favor for you.
-It's okay if you say no.
-Oh, I'll probably say yes.
It's just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you just met.
Wow.
I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
-Must we? -Event A: A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower.
We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set.
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from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend.
On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link .
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between these events? She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey.
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but we both know it exists in contradistinction.
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to the higher-level distal cause.
-Which is? -You think with your penis.
That's a biological impossibility, and you didn't have to come.
Oh, yes.
I could have stayed behind to watch Wolowitz hit on Penny .
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in Russian, Arabic and Farsi.
And why can't she get her own TV? Come on, you know how it is with breakups.
No, I don't, and neither do you.
But l-- I broke up with Joyce Kim.
You did not break up with Joyce Kim.
She defected to North Korea.
To mend her broken heart.
This situation is much less complicated.
There's some dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend.
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as to who gets custody of the TV.
-She just wanted to avoid a scene with him.
-So we get to have a scene with him? No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene.
There's two of us and one of him.
Leonard, the two of us can't even carry a TV.
So you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the university? I'm sorry, do you speak English? Oh, he speaks English.
He just can't speak to women.
Really? Why? He's kind of a nerd.
Juice box? - I'll do the talking.
- Yeah? -Hi.
I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
-Hello.
What did I just--? -We're here to pick up Penny's TV.
-Get lost.
Okay, thanks for your time.
-We're not gonna give up just like that.
-Leonard, the TV's in the building.
We've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
Excuse me.
If I were to give up at the first hitch, I never would have identified.
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the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.
My apologies.
What's your plan? It's just a privilege to watch your mind at work.
Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.
We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
-What do you think their combined IQ is? -Just grab the door.
This is it.
I'll do the talking.
Good thinking, I'll just be the muscle.
-Yeah? -I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
From the intercom.
How the hell did you get in the building? We're scientists.
Tell him about our IQ.
-Leonard.
-What? -My mom bought me those pants.
-I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to call her.
Sheldon, I am so sorry I dragged you through this.
It's okay.
It wasn't my first pantsing and it won't be my last.
And you were right about my motives.
I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny.
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that might have someday led to sex.
Well, you got me out of my pants.
Anyway, I've learned my lesson.
She's out of my league, I'm done with her.
I've got my work.
One day I'll win the Nobel Prize and then I'll die alone.
Don't think like that.
You're not going to die alone.
Thank you, Sheldon.
You're a good friend.
And you're certainly not gonna win a Nobel Prize.
This is one of my favorite places to kick back after a quest.
They have a great house ale.
Wow, cool tiger.
Yeah, I've had him since Level 1 0.
His name is Buttons.
Anyway, if you had your own game character.
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we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.
-That sounds interesting.
-So you'll think about it? Oh, I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it.
Smooth.
-We're home.
-Oh, my God.
What happened? Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory.
I'm so sorry.
I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn't be such an ass.
No, it was a valid hypothesis.
That was a valid hypo--? What is happening to you? Really, thank you so much for going and trying.
You just-- You're so terrific.
Why don't you put some clothes on, I'll get my purse, and dinner is on me, okay? -Really? Great.
-Thank you.
Okay.
You're not done with her, are you? Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Not to mention imaginary.
-Is Thai food okay with you, Penny? -Sure.
We can't have Thai, we had Indian for lunch.
-So? -They're both curry-based cuisines.
-So? -It would be gastronomically redundant.
I can see we're going to have to spell out everything for this girl.
Any ideas, Raj? Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado.
I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me Oh,, baby, baby Don't get hooked on me I don't know your odds in the world as a whole.
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but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy.
Baby, don't get hooked on me