Big Bang Theory s01e06 Episode Script

The Middle-Earth Paradigm

Okay, if no one else will say it, I will.
We really suck at paintball.
HOWARD: That was absolutely humiliating.
LEONARD: Oh, come on.
Some battles you win, some battles you lose.
HOWARD: Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's bar mitzvah party.
I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage preadolescent Jews.
No, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Sheldon, let it go.
No, I wanna talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
I shot you for a good reason.
You were leading us into disaster.
I was giving clear, concise orders.
You hid behind a tree yelling: "Get the kid in the yarmulke! Get the kid in the yarmulke!" - Oh, hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Penny.
- Hello.
- Morning, ma'am.
So how was paintball? Did you have fun? Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun.
You clear a space on your calendar.
There will be an inquiry.
I'm having a party on Saturday, so if you're around, come by.
- A party? - Yeah.
A boy-girl party? There will be boys and there will be girls and it is a party, so.
Just a bunch of my friends, have some beer, do a little dancing.
- Dancing? - Yeah.
- I don't know, Penny-- - Thing is, we're not-- - We're really more of a-- - No.
But thanks.
Thanks for thinking of us.
Are you sure? It's Halloween.
A Halloween party? As in costumes? Well, yeah.
Is there a theme? Um, yeah, Halloween.
Yes, but are the costumes random or genre-specific? As usual, I'm not following.
He's asking if we can come as anyone from science fiction - fantasy.
- Sure.
- Comic books? - Fine.
- Anime? - Of course.
TV, film, D&D, manga.
Greek, Roman, Norse gods-- Anything you want.
Okay? Any costume you want.
Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.
LEONARD: I'll get it.
Oh, no.
SHELDON: Oh, no.
Make way for the fastest man alive.
Oh, no.
See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
We all have other costumes.
We can change.
Or we could walk right behind each other all night.
It'll look like one person going really fast.
No, no, no.
It's a boy-girl party, this Flash runs solo.
Okay, how about this? Nobody gets to be the Flash.
We all change.
Agreed? ALL: Agreed.
I call Frodo! ALL: Damn.
Sorry I'm late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
- You went with Thor? - What? Just because I'm lndian, I can't be a Norse god? No, no, no, Raj has to be an lndian god.
That's racism.
I mean, look at Wolowitz.
He's not English, but he's dressed like Peter Pan.
Sheldon is neither sound nor light, but he's obviously the Doppler effect.
- I'm not Peter Pan, I'm Robin Hood.
- Really? Because I saw Peter Pan and you're dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby.
She was a little bigger than you, but it's basically the same look, man.
Sheldon, there's something I wanna talk to you about before we go.
I don't care if anybody gets it, I'm going as the Doppler effect.
- No, it's not that-- - lf I have to, I can demonstrate: Vroom.
This party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.
What exactly do you mean by embarrass you? For example, tonight, no one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.
But there's nothing embarrassing about that.
Your father worked with Louis Leakey, a great anthropologist.
It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.
All I'm saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group a potential close friend and perhaps more.
I don't wanna look like a dork.
Just a heads up, fellas, if anyone gets lucky I've got a dozen condoms in my quiver.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, sorry we're late.
Late? It's 7:05.
And you said the party starts at 7.
Yeah, I mean, when you start a party at 7, no one shows up at, you know, 7.
It's 7:05.
Yes, yes, it is.
Okay, well, um, come on in.
What, are all the girls in the bathroom? Probably, but in their own homes.
So, what time does the costume parade start? The parade? Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume.
Most frightening, most authentic most accurate visualization of a scientific principle.
Oh, Sheldon, I'm sorry but there aren't gonna be any parades or judges or prizes.
This party is just going to suck.
No, come on, it's gonna be fun.
And you all look great.
I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan.
That's so cute.
- Actually, Penny, he's Robin-- - I'm Peter Pan.
And I've got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.
No, you don't.
- Hey, what's Sheldon supposed to be? - Oh, he's the Doppler effect.
Yes, it's the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.
Oh, sure, I see it now.
The Doppler effect.
All right, I gotta shower.
You guys, um, make yourselves comfortable.
See? People get it.
By Odin's beard, this is good Chex Mix.
No, thanks.
I can't afford to swell up in these tights.
I'm confused.
If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here? We're socializing, meeting new people.
Telepathically? - Oh, hey.
When did you get here? WOMAN: Hi.
Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I've ever seen.
And that includes Halle Berry's.
She's not Catwoman.
She's just a generic cat.
And that's the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.
Hey, guys, check out the sexy nurse.
I believe it's time for me to turn my head and cough.
- What is your move? - I'm going to use the mirror technique.
She brushes her hair back, I brush mine.
She shrugs, I shrug.
Subconsciously, she's thinking, "We're in sync.
We belong together.
" Where do you get this stuff? You know, psychology journals, lnternet research.
And there's this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls.
Oh, if only I had his confidence.
I have such difficulty speaking to women or around women, or at times even effeminate men.
If that's a working stethoscope maybe you'd like to hear my heart skip a beat.
No, thanks.
No, seriously, you can.
I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
I wanna get to know Penny's friends.
I just.
I don't know how to talk to these people.
- Well, I actually might be able to help.
- How so? Like Jane Goodall observing the apes I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured.
But patterns emerge.
They have their own language, if you will.
Go on.
Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting, "How wasted am l?" Which is met with an approving chorus of "Dude.
" Then what happens? That's as far as I've gotten.
This is ridiculous.
- I'm jumping in.
- Good luck.
No, you're coming with me.
Oh, I hardly think so.
Come on.
- Aren't you afraid I'll embarrass you? - Yes, but I need a wingman.
All right, but if we're going to use flight metaphors I'm much more suited to being the guy from the FAA analyzing wreckage.
Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
So, what are you supposed to be? Me? I'll give you a hint.
A choo-choo train? Close.
A brain-damaged choo-choo train? How wasted am l? Vroom.
I still don't get it.
I'm the Doppler effect.
Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability I think it's very insensitive.
Why don't you just tell people you're a zebra? Why don't you just tell people you're one of the seven dwarves? Because I'm Frodo.
Yes, well, I'm the Doppler effect.
- Oh, no.
- What? That's Penny's ex-boyfriend.
What do you suppose he's doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.
If he were any bigger, he'd have moons orbiting him.
- Oh, snap.
- Ha-ha.
So I guess we'll be leaving now.
Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn't even want him here.
You have a backup hypothesis? Maybe they just wanna be friends.
Or maybe she wants to be friends and he wants something more.
Then he and I are on equal ground.
Yes, but you're much closer to it than he is.
Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
And male partners, animal partners, large primordial eggplants pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift.
In the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males.
- And we shouldn't have to back down.
- True.
Why don't you text him that and see if he backs down? No.
I'm going to assert my dominance face to face.
Face to face? Are you gonna wait for him to sit down or you gonna stand on the coffee table? Hello, Penny.
Hello, Kurt.
Oh, hey, guys.
You having a good time? Given the reaction to my costume this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.
What? You're a zebra, right? Yet another child left behind.
And what are you supposed to be, an elf? No, I'm a hobbit.
What's the difference? A hobbit is a mortal, halfling inhabitant of Middle-earth whereas an elf is an immortal, tall warrior.
So why the hell would you wanna be a hobbit? Because he's neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be the Flash.
Well, whatever.
Why don't you go hop off on a quest? I'm talking to Penny here.
I think we're all talking to Penny here.
I'm not.
No offense.
Okay, maybe you didn't hear me.
- Go away.
- All right, Kurt, be nice.
Oh, I am being nice.
Right, little buddy? - Kurt.
- Okay.
I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me.
You can't compete with me on an intellectual level and so you're driven to animalistic puffery.
You calling me a puffy animal? Oh, of course not.
No, he's not.
You're not, right, Leonard? No, I said animalistic.
Of course, we're all animals but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
If he understands that, you're in trouble.
So what? I'm unevolved? You're in trouble.
You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.
Okay, Kurt, please.
Look, Penny, it's okay.
I can handle this.
I am not a dwarf, I'm a hobbit.
A hobbit.
Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory? Okay, now you're starting to make me mad.
A Homo habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says, "What?" - What? - Ha-ha.
I think I've made my point.
Yeah? How about I make a point out of your pointy little head? Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless.
There's not going to be a confrontation.
In fact, I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.
- Kurt, put him down this instant.
- He started it.
I don't care, I'm finishing it.
Put him down.
You're one lucky little leprechaun.
He's a hobbit.
I got your back.
Leonard, are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm fine.
It's a good party.
Thanks for having-- It's just getting a little late, so.
All right.
Well, thank you for coming.
Happy Halloween.
If it's any consolation I thought that Homo habilis line really put him in his place.
- What's that? - Tea.
When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages.
There, there.
You wanna talk about it? - No.
- Good.
"There, there" was really all I had.
- Good night, Sheldon.
- Good night, Leonard.
- Hey, Leonard? - Hi, Penny.
Hey, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
I'm fine.
I am so sorry about what happened.
It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
That's why I broke up with him.
He always does stuff like that.
So why was he at your party? Well, I ran into him last week and he was just all apologetic about how he's changed.
He was just going on and on, and I believed him.
And I'm an idiot, because I always believe guys like that.
And I can't go back to my party because he's there.
And I know you don't wanna hear this.
I'm upset and really drunk and I just wanna.
There, there.
God, what is wrong with me? Nothing, you're perfect.
I'm not perfect.
Yes, you are.
You really think so, don't you? - Penny? - Yeah? How much have you had to drink tonight? Just a lot.
Are you sure that your being drunk and your being angry with Kurt doesn't have something to do with what's going on here? It might.
Boy, you're really smart.
Yeah, I'm a freaking genius.
Leonard, you are so great.
Why can't all guys be like you? Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn't survive.
I should probably go.
Thank you.
That's right, you saw what you saw.
That's how we roll in the Shire.

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