Big Bang Theory s01e13 Episode Script

The Bat Jar Conjecture

More details about the new Star Trek film.
There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Oh, please.
For Vulcans, mating or if you will, PonFahr - it's an extremely private matter.
- Still, I'd like to know the details.
His mother was human.
His father is Vulcan.
- They couldn't just conceive.
- Maybe they had to go to a clinic.
Can you imagine Spock's Dad in a little room with a copy of Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears.
How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose.
" Hi.
Can you help me? I was writing an e-mail and the "A" key got stuck.
Now it's just going "Aaa" - What'd you spill on it? - Nothing.
Diet Coke.
And yogurt.
And a little nail polish.
I'll take a look at it.
Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news Fishman, Chen, Chaudury and McNair aren't fielding a team in the university Physics Bowl this year.
You're kidding.
Why not? They formed a barbershop quartet and got a gig playing Knott's Berry Farm.
So, in your world, you're like the cool guys.
This is our year.
With those guys out, the entire Physics Bowl will kneel before Zod.
Zod? Kryptonian villain.
Long story.
Good story.
- Count me out.
- What? Why? You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? Come on, you need a four-person team.
We're four people.
By that reasoning we should also play Bridge, hold up a chuppah Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock's dying words to you? No, don't.
"The needs of the many " outweigh the needs of the few.
"Or the one.
" Damn it, I'll do it.
Episode 1x13 The Bat Jar Conjecture The Bat Jar Conjecture First order of Physics Bowl business.
We need a truly kick-ass team name.
Suggestions? How about the Perpetual Motion Squad? It's beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads-up for the ladies.
The ladies? "Perpetual Motion Squad we can go all night.
" - I like it.
- I don't.
Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating one's opponent.
- Then we could be the Bengal tigers.
- Poor choice.
Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
Maybe so, but you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.
Let's put it to a vote.
All those in favor Point of order.
I move that any vote on team names must be unanimous.
No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with a Bengal tiger when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.
Will the gentleman from the great State of Denial yield for a question? I will yield.
After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit - if he does not get his way? - He does.
I move we are the Army Ants.
All those in favor? Good afternoon, and welcome to today's Physics Bowl practice round.
I'm Penny, and I'll be your host because apparently I didn't have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn't that just a little sad? Gentlemen, ready? - Yes.
- Fire away.
It's none of my business, but isn't a guy who can't speak in front of women gonna hold you back a little? He'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd.
He only has a problem when they're one-on-one and smell nice.
Thanks, Raj.
It's vanilla oil.
I was actually the one who noticed.
Okay, let's just start.
Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics.
"What is the shortest light pulse ever produced?" - Dr.
- And of course, the answer is 130 attoseconds.
- That is correct.
- I knew that, too.
Good for you, sweetie.
Okay, next question: "What is the quantum mechanical effect "used to encode data on hard-disk drives?" And of course the answer is giant magnetoresistance.
- Right.
- Hey, I buzzed in.
And I answered.
It's called teamwork.
Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.
Just ask another one.
"What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einstein's predicted frame dragging?" And of course, it's Gravity Probe B.
Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Why? Because it's polite.
What do manners have to do with it? This is war.
Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again? Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.
The objective of the competion is to give correct answers.
If I know them, why shouldn't I give them? Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
Oh, please.
You don't even have a PhD.
- All right, that's it! - Howard, sit down.
- Maybe we should take a little break.
- Good idea.
I need my wrist brace.
All this button-pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.
I agree.
What did he say? He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's eve.
Yeah, and the bag it came in.
Leonard, excellent.
I want to show you something.
Can it wait? I need to talk to you.
Just look.
I've designed the perfect uniforms for our team.
The colors are based on Star Trek: The Original Series.
The three of you will wear Support Red, and I will wear Command Gold.
Why do they say "AA"? Army Ants.
Isn't that confusing? "AA" might mean something else to certain people.
Why would a Physics Bowl team be called Anodized Aluminum? No, I meant Never mind.
Check it out, I got you a Batman cookie jar.
Oh, neat! What's the occasion? Well, you're a friend, and you like Batman and cookies, and you're off the team.
What? Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, we did.
I just came from there.
Okay, I don't know where you just came from, but it could'nt have been a team meeting because I wasn't there.
Ergo, the team did not meet.
Okay, let me try it this way: I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends, and one thing led to another, and it turns out you're off the team.
Why? Because you're taking all the fun out of it.
I'm sorry, is the winner of the Physics Bowl the team that has the most fun? Okay, let me try it this way: You're annoying and no one wants to play with you anymore.
I see.
At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Thanks for the heads-up.
You're welcome.
- One more thing.
- Yes? It's on, bitch.
- So who'd he get to be on his team? - He won't say.
He just smiles and eats macaroons out of his bat jar.
He's using psychological warfare.
We must reply in kind.
I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like, "Yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, "but we are also smart and strong, and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you.
" How exactly would that laugh go? That sounds more like, "We are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians.
" Let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my roommate.
So? So nothing.
Let's destroy him.
We're going to need a strong fourth for our team.
You know who is apparently very smart is the girl who played TV's Blossom.
She got a PhD.
in neuroscience or something.
Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our Physics Bowl team.
How about the girl from The Wonder Years? Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems.
We can't ask Leslie Winkle.
Why? Because you slept together, and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney? Yes.
Sometimes you've got to take one for the team.
Sack up, dude.
Here I go, taking one for the team in the sack.
- Hey, Leslie.
- Hi, guys.
So, Leslie, I have a question for you, and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I Hit that thing.
Leonard, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we've seen each other's faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus.
There's not? Gee, 'cause it sure sounds like there should be.
Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom.
That's all very comforting, but if it's okay, I'd like to get on to my question now.
We are entering the Physics Bowl, and we need a fourth for our team.
No, thanks.
I'm really busy with my like-sign dilepton supersymmetry search.
Dilepton, shmylepton.
We need you.
Well, we tried.
We'll just have to face Sheldonmano y mano y mano a mano.
Wait, you're going up against Sheldon Cooper? That arrogant, misogynistic, East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high-energy particles for laundry and childbearing? She's in.
So, how do you feel? Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on? Are you ready? Yeah.
You know, you don't have to stay for the whole thing.
Oh, no.
I want to.
Sounds really interesting.
I'm just gonna sit down.
So, is that your team? Actually, I don't need a team.
I could easily defeat you single-handedly, but the rules require four.
So, may I introduce the third-floor janitor, the lady from the lunch room, and my Spanish is not good either her son or her butcher.
And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the S.
Sinking Ship? Hello, Sheldon.
Leslie Winkle.
Yeah, Leslie Winkle.
The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?" Well, I'm polymerized tree sap, and you're an inorganic adhesive.
So whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.
Oh, ouch! Okay, if everyone could please take your seats.
Here's your T-shirt.
PMS? It's a couple days early It stands for "Perpetual Motion Squad.
" Of course.
What was I thinking? Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to this year's Physics Bowl! Today's preliminary match features two great teams.
AA versus PMS.
All night long, y'all! Okay, well, let's jump right in.
First question for ten points: "What is the iso-spin singlet partner "of the pi-zero meson?" PMS? - The eta meson.
- Correct.
- Formal protest.
- On what grounds? The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
All right, for ten points, "What is the lightest element on Earth "with no stable isotope?" AA? And of course, the answer is technetium.
Next question: "What is the force between two uncharged plates "due to quantum vacuum fluctuations?" PMS? Sheldon can suck on the Casimir effect.
How does a quantum computer factor large numbers? PMS? - Shor's algorithm.
- Correct! to the seventh ergs per calorie.
Prevost's theory of exchanges.
Lambda equals one over pi r squared n.
the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.
Wolowitz, this is your second warning.
A sigma particle.
Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the Earth.
Correct! Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the final question.
The score now stands.
AA: 1,150, PMS: 1,175.
So, for 100 points and the match, please turn your attention to the formula on the screens.
Solve the equation.
Holy crap.
What the hell is that? Looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
Come on.
Leslie? It's not gonna work if you rush me.
You have to let me get there.
You are never gonna let that go, are you? Ten seconds.
PMS? Sorry, I panicked.
Then guess.
4 I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.
He doesn't have it.
He's got squat.
AA, I need your answer.
The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
Hang on a second.
That's not our answer.
- What are you doing? - Answering question.
Winning Physics Bowl.
How do you know anything about physics? Here I am janitor.
In former Soviet Union, I am physicist.
Leningrad Politechnika.
Go Polar Bears.
That's a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything - I answer the questions.
- You didn't answer question.
Look, now, maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this Physics Bowl team, I rule with an iron fist.
AA, I need your official answer.
- It's not what he said.
- Then what is it? - I want a different question.
- You can't.
- Formal protest.
- Denied.
Informal protest.
- I need your official answer.
- No.
I decline to provide one.
That's too bad because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
That's your opinion.
- The winner of the match is - Hang on.
Is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team? I don't understand the question.
- Go ahead.
- The winner is PMS.
Sorry, somebody's sitting there.
Who? My Physics Bowl trophy.
That trophy is meaningless.
I forfeited, therefore you did not win.
- I know someone who would disagree.
- Who? My Physics Bowl trophy.
Leonard is so smart.
- Sheldon who? - All right, that is very immature.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm not! - Okay, new contest.
- What are you doing? I am settling once and for all who is the smartest around here, okay? - Ready? - Absolutely.
Bring it on.
"Marsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters "in what TV family?" The Brady Bunch.
"Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?" The Brady Bunch? Van Halen.
"Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum.
" Oh, my God! Sean Penn! How do you know these things? I go outside, and I talk to people.
Okay, here.
"What actor holds the record "for being named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?" - William Shatner.
- Wait.
I don't think it's Shatner.
Then it's got to be Patrick Stewart.
Formal protest.
"Singer who sang, Oops, I Did It Again?" "Tweetie Bird taut he taw a what?" Romulan.
He taut he taw a Romulan.

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