Big Bang Theory s02e02 Episode Script

The Codpiece Topology

Worst Renaissance fair ever.
Please let it go, Sheldon.
SHELDON: It was rife with historical inaccuracies.
For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead.
Now, her costume was obviously Germanic but in 1487, the Bavarian purity laws, or Reinheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead.
At best, they would've had some spiced wine.
LEONARD: You're nitpicking.
SHELDON: Oh, really? Well, here's another nit for you.
The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.
Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy.
They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says, "Howdy.
" Bosoms would not have said, "Howdy," in the 15th century.
If anything, they would've said, "Huzzah.
" I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon.
I just wanna be part of the conversation.
Hi, guys.
Looks like you've been to the Renaissance fair.
I'm hoping.
Renaissance fair? More of a medieval-slash- Age of Enlightenment slash- any-excuse-to-wear-a-codpiece fair.
Okay, fine, whatever.
Um, you guys, this is my friend Eric.
-Hello.
ERIC: Hey.
So, yeah, good to see you.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's good to see you too.
-We should probably go.
-Yeah.
-Bye, guys.
-Like your hat.
Thanks, my mom made it.
Penny with a new guy.
Très awkward.
It wasn't awkward.
It wasn't fun.
Besides, what's the big deal? We dated, we stopped dating, and now we're both moving on.
By "moving on," you mean she's going out with other men and you spend the afternoon making 15th-century soap with Wolowitz? That was not 15th-century soap.
My god, those people need to learn you can't just put "ye olde" in front of anything you want and expect to get away with it.
Can we please just go in? My chain mail's stuck in my underwear.
You're wearing modern underwear? Relatively modern.
What are you wearing? I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
You went and bought linen? Don't be silly.
I borrowed one of your pillowcases.
Borrowed? You know, I'm happy that Penny's moving on.
It gives me freedom to move on myself.
Are you saying that you've been holding back? Of course.
Out of respect.
So how do you explain the 10 years before Penny? Who were you respecting then? What? I've dated plenty of women.
There was, uh, Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.
Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: The word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two.
" What about that girl last year at Comic-Con? -It doesn't count.
-Why not? What happens in costume at Comic-Con stays at Comic-Con.
You're only saying that because of what happened.
-What happened to you? -Nothing happened to me.
It wasn't your fault, Raj.
He was dressed as a green Orion slave girl.
How did we get on me? We were mocking Leonard.
-Dude, you have totally not moved on.
-Yes, I have.
It's just a matter of actually making a date with someone.
-Like who? -Well, there's Joyce Kim.
But she defected back to North Korea so it's a little geographically undesirable.
-What about Leslie Winkle? -Oh, no.
-Why? -Her research methodology is sloppy she's unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity and to make matters worse, she's often mean to me.
-I think she's smoking hot.
-I'd hit that.
You'd hit particulate soil in a colloidal suspension.
Mud.
Look, I like Leslie, but she's not interested in dating as much as using men as tools for stress release.
Yeah? So? Be a tool.
Go get yourself a little rebound stress release.
It would only be rebound if he and Penny had actually engaged in physical intimacy.
You mean like you and Richard the slave girl? I bought him dinner and we kissed once.
That was it.
And he told me his name was Kimberly.
You know how I know we're not in the Matrix? How? If we were, the food would be better.
Hey, Leonard.
-Hey, Leslie.
-Hey, dummy.
Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.
Ooh, rush me to the Burn Unit.
Do you have a second? I need to ask you something.
-Yeah, sure.
-Well, if you'll excuse me l'm going to go do work that promises significant results as opposed to what you do, which does not.
Yeah, you heard me.
Wow.
So I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
-Where'd you hear that? -Actually, I read it.
Wolowitz texted me.
"Like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory," yep.
Yeah, I thought it was a pretty good one.
I gave him an "LOL.
" Anyway, it got me thinking.
Now that you're unattached, maybe we can revisit our previous attachment.
Are you suggesting another bout of stress release? No, I'm all done with casual sex.
I'm fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm.
Really? What changed? There's just a time in every woman's life when she gets tired of waking up on a futon with a bunch of people she doesn't know.
Yeah, I can see how that would-- A bunch of people? Anyway, I just figure it's time to slow things down and who better to slow things down with than you? I'm flattered.
So how do you suggest we proceed? Your place.
We'll order Chinese.
You'll rent a movie, artsy but accessible.
Then light petting, no coitus.
-Sounds fun.
-I'll leave the details up to you.
I think it's better if you assume the male role.
Thank you, that's very thoughtful.
Great.
Call me.
Hey, great news.
My mom sent me my old Nintendo 64.
LEONARD: Oh.
-Terrific.
-You know what this means, don't you? Break out the Red Bull.
It's time to rock "Mario" old school.
-I kind of have other plans tonight.
-But it's Friday.
Friday's always vintage-game night.
Look, Mom included the memory card.
We can pick up right where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anemia.
The thing is, someone's coming over.
Well, no problem.
I have three controllers.
The more the merrier.
Sheldon, it's a date.
I have a date coming over.
Oh.
Well, you can't blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.
Why? What's so unusual about me having a date? -Well, statistically speaking-- -All right, all right.
Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.
I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be measured by normal tests.
How much scarcer could I be? You know what I mean.
Could you just give us a little privacy? -You want me to leave the apartment? -Yes.
You mean just go someplace else and be someplace else? -Yes.
-But why should I leave? -This is my apartment too.
-I know it is.
If science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy, I'd be happy to get out of your way.
Well, all right, then.
Sheldon? What are you doing? Playing "Super Mario" on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator.
But why are you doing it on the stairs? I am a modern-day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.
Oh.
Oh, well, good for him.
Yeah, but why are you sitting here? Why don't you go to a movie or something? Alone? -Yeah, why not? -What if I choke on my popcorn? Who will administer the Heimlich maneuver? -Then don't order popcorn.
-No popcorn at the mov--? Listen to yourself.
-Why don't you go to a coffee shop? -I don't drink coffee.
They have other things.
-What do they have? -I don't know.
You know, cookies, pastries-- -Pastries such as bear claws? -Yeah, sure.
I don't like bear claws.
Hey, Penny.
Dumb-ass.
Leslie Winkle.
Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world why does it have to be Leslie Winkle? Well, they have a lot in common.
I mean, they're both scientists.
Please.
The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resumed sending chimps into space.
Okay, well, I have a date too, so I'll see you.
Everybody has a date.
Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach.
And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.
-This is pretty good orange chicken.
-Yeah, it's from Chang's.
-Not Chow's? -No, Chang's.
-What happened to Chow's? -It changed.
So how many children do you think we should have? [COUGHING] I'm sorry, that was a little abrupt.
A little.
There are so many things to talk about before reproduction.
I sure hope so.
Besides shortness, what genetic weaknesses run in your family? I'm sorry to interrupt.
Battery's dying.
Continue.
Uh, genetic weaknesses, right.
Um, there's the lactose intolerance.
Don't forget the male-pattern baldness.
When his uncles sit around the dinner table, they look like a half-carton of eggs.
Okay, yeah, my uncles are bald but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you'll ever meet, so, you know.
Sweet lady.
It always tickles when she hugs me.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -What now? -I have to make pee-pee.
I'm sorry about all of Sheldon's interruptions.
He can be a bit of an eccentric.
If by "eccentric" you mean "passive-aggressive East Texas blowhole," I agree.
Well, I think tonight was a very good start.
Me too.
You're sure you're okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test? No problem.
I'm very skilled at postponing intercourse.
I guess I'll call you and we'll arrange another evening.
I believe protocol dictates that you wait a minimum of 18 hours before you call so I'm not repulsed by your cloying eagerness.
-Sure.
-Again, it's your decision.
You're the man.
PENNY: No, it wasn't my cat.
It was an experiment designed by this guy named SchrÃdinger.
From the Charlie Brown cartoons? No, he was some kind of scientist.
Let me start again.
-Oh, hey, Leonard.
-Hello.
-Leslie.
LESLIE: Hi.
Okay, well, good night.
Okay, well, good night.
That ain't gonna make your point.
Okay, okay, that's enough.
Call me.
Right.
[DOOR CLOSES] Well, okay, good night.
-What? -Had a great time.
Ciao.
I'm sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance fair.
Come on, Sheldon.
There are so few places I can wear my jester costume.
I don't care.
There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
Oh, okay, how about this? You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.
You mean like Spock? Sure.
Fascinating.
-Hey, fellow scientists.
Sheldon.
LEONARD: Mm.
Why don't we move there so Leslie can join us? Yeah, let's do it.
If you're having trouble deciding where to sit I suggest One Potato, Two Potato or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle Experimental Methodology.
-Don't make this hard for me.
-It's not hard.
It's simple.
You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.
You're right, it is simple.
-Hey, Sheldon.
SHELDON: Penny.
Third floor tonight.
Mixing it up? Oh.
I still don't understand why you don't just go to dinner.
All right, let's say I go to dinner alone and during the meal I have to use the restroom.
How do I know someone's not touching my food? Good night, Sheldon.
Penny, hold on.
You sure things can't work out with you and Leonard? Excuse me? I'm just wondering if you really gave it the old college try.
Or in your case, the old community-college try.
Okay, where is this coming from? Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
-Your archenemy? -Yes, the Dr.
Doom to my Mr.
Fantastic.
The Dr.
Octopus to my Spider-Man.
-The Dr.
Sivana to my Captain Marvel-- -Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it.
It's amazing how many super villains have advanced degrees.
Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.
Sheldon, come back.
You're losing me.
It's Leslie Winkle, Penny.
She belittles my research.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
She called me "dumb-ass.
" I know, I heard.
Given the situation I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill-considered relationship with Leonard.
Oh, gee, well, thank you for that.
But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just gonna stay friends.
No.
That response is unacceptable to me.
-You are a smart guy.
You must know-- -I'm smart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as "smart.
" -Are you gonna let me talk? -I'm sorry.
You must know that if Leonard and Leslie wanna be together nothing you can do is gonna stop it.
You continue to underestimate my capabilities, madam.
Okay, let me put it this way.
If you're Leonard's friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with.
Wait a minute.
Why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard's really my friend why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle? Because love trumps hate.
Oh, now you're just making stuff up.
Okay.
Good night, Sheldon.
Oh, Mario.
If only I could control everyone the way I control you.
Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.
When the two of you reach a natural stopping point, I'd like to have a word.
If the word is "pee-pee," just do it.
Leonard, you're my friend and friends support their friends, apparently.
So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.
-Thank you.
-I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant, subpar scientist who believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory.
You kids have fun.
Hang on a second.
Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
I'm listening.
Amuse me.
Okay, well, for one thing, we expect quantized space-time to manifest as minute differences in the speed of light for different colors.
Balderdash.
Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
Are you gonna let him talk to me like that? Okay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories.
No, there isn't.
Only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes.
[SNORTS] Sheldon, don't make that noise.
It's disrespectful.
I should hope so.
It was a snort of derision.
You agree with me, right? Loop quantum gravity is the future of physics.
Sorry, Leslie, I guess I prefer my space stringy, not loopy.
Well, I'm glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further.
Truth? What truth? We're talking about untested hypotheses-- Look, it's no big deal.
Oh, it isn't? Really? Tell me, Leonard, how will we raise the children? I guess we wait until they're old enough and let them choose their own theory.
We can't let them choose, Leonard, they're children.
Wait, where are you going? I'm sorry.
I could've accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice cream or ever get a good view of a parade.
But this? This is a deal breaker.
Look on the bright side.
-What's the bright side? -Only nine more months to Comic-Con.
Oh, yeah.
[WHIRRING] Captain, I'm getting an unusual reading.
Yeah, that's great.
You guys want corn dogs? Yeah.
That's a temporal anomaly.
Corn dogs didn't come into existence till the first half of the 20th century.