Big Bang Theory s02e13 Episode Script

The Friendship Algorithm

Gentlemen, I put it to you: The worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate.
Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death.
-It is extracted from the plant-- -Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
Oh, no kidding.
-A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil? -It's extracted from-- I'm not sure yet.
You know, George Clooney has one now.
Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs.
He was buying tequila.
Wow, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
All right, this is cruel.
We better let him finish before his head explodes.
All right.
Sheldon, why is tapioca--? Tapioca is extracted from the root of Manihot esculenta.
Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
Feel better now? It's indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate.
You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.
Hey, Hofstadter.
-Hey, Kripke.
Heard about your anti-proton decay experiment.
Twenty thousand data runs and no statistically significant results.
Very impressive.
What a jerk.
Don't feel bad, Leonard.
Negative results are still results.
-Even 20,000 of them.
LEONARD: All right.
Please don't cheer me up anymore.
Come on, don't let him get to you.
It's Kripke.
Yeah, he's a ginormous knob.
That's why he eats by himself instead of sitting here at the cool table.
For shizzle.
Hey, it's true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted.
But he controls the new Open Science Grid computer that I need to run simulations of structure formation in the early universe.
Good luck getting time on it.
The only people he lets use it are his friends.
Well, then, the solution is simple.
I shall befriend him.
Yeah? What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends? I would say I have no interest in becoming your friend.
Really? Oh, that seems rather shortsighted coming from someone who is considered altogether unlikable.
Take some time to reconsider.
Yeah, I'll do that.
Well, I think we're off to a terrific start.
There you go.
Now any e-mail from Wolowitz will go right into your spam folder.
The e-mail doesn't bother me as much as the vacation pictures of him in a bathing suit.
Yeah, I got the same one.
And that's not a bathing suit, it's a tan line.
Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.
I am leaving a message for Barry Kripke.
Barry, it was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria.
I saw that you purchased the chef's salad.
Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery to utilize scrap meat.
Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it.
I'm following up on our pending friendship.
And I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status.
Sheldon Cooper.
What's up with Ichabod? Oh, he's trying to make a new friend.
Oh, really? Well, good for him.
Unless he makes one out of wood like Geppetto I don't think it's gonna happen.
Well, how did you guys become friends? There was a flyer on the bulletin board at the university: "Roommate wanted.
Whistlers need not apply.
" And you moved in anyway? I assumed he was joking.
You'd be surprised how many particle physicists have a whimsical side.
What about Howard and Raj? How did he become friends with them? I don't know.
How do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Well, yeah, sure, when you put it that way.
But it all worked out, right? I suppose.
I do miss whistling though.
Oh, come on.
Really? [WHISTLES.]
First warning.
This is for you.
Hello, Sheldon.
-What is this? -It's a questionnaire I devised.
I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
Yes, well, that is a good question.
But is this really the best way to figure it out? I agree.
The social sciences are largely hokum.
But short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
Okay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: Intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene playfulness, Java-applet writing"? I know.
I may have started off with a fairly obvious one.
An aspect of my most appealing trait: playfulness.
Why don't you rank that number one? You're on your own for the rest.
It should take you no more than three hours.
Well, wait, how many questions are on this thing? Only 211.
Don't worry.
I've kept them all at a high-school graduate reading level.
Thanks, pal.
You got it, buddy.
Sheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being I don't know, pleasant? Well, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis.
May I suggest it as the topic for your essay? Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
I answered every question, Sheldon.
You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern.
A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.
-Oh, you picked up on that, huh? -Yeah, wait-- How could I not? Well, uh, come on.
There's over 200 questions.
And look at some of these things.
"Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank.
" There are a number of acceptable answers.
For example, C, near-Earth transport.
But certainly not B, avocado rancher.
Your essay: I'd have better luck making friends if I wait till the Cylons take over? Please.
Hold on.
I put some real work into that.
Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did.
He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.
It's kind of cute.
-Uh, till you get to the scrotum.
What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my friends could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me? Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
Oh, I don't see how you could.
What I'm trying to say is that you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
What do you mean? Well, ahh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the Internet? I did learn how to swim.
On the floor.
The skills are transferable.
I just have no interest in going in the water.
Then why learn how to swim? The ice caps are melting, Leonard.
In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional.
But you do bring up an interesting point.
I don't have to break new ground here.
I'm sure the research already exists.
No, my point is if you wanna learn how to make friends then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum.
Meet people.
Talk to them.
Take an interest in their lives.
That's insane on the face of it.
-Come on.
-Where are we going? You're driving me to the mall to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friend making.
Why don't you just lie down on the floor and swim there? "Coping With the Death of a Loved One.
" -My condolences.
-Thank you.
Family or friend? -Family.
-Too bad.
If it had been a friend, I'm available to fill the void.
It's just as well.
She smelled like mothballs.
Okay, if you're gonna start sniffing people, I'm gonna go get a hot pretzel.
Excuse me.
Do you have any books about making friends? Um, yeah, but they're all for kids.
Oh, I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
Uh, I guess.
They're right over there by the wooden train set.
Oh! I love trains.
I bet you do.
Oh, my, that's awfully sticky.
All right.
Let's see.
"Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now.
" That's probably about homosexual rabbits.
"Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus.
" Read it, not helpful.
Well, here we go.
"Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo.
" "Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana with her husband and best friend, Mark and their cockatoo, Stu.
" Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn't you agree? I don't like birds.
They scare me.
Me too.
Most people don't see it.
What are you reading? Curious George.
Oh, I do like monkeys.
Curious George is a monkey.
Somewhat anthropomorphized, but yes.
Say maybe sometime you and I could go see monkeys together.
-Would you like that? -Okay.
Sheldon, what are you doing? I'm making friends with this little girl.
-What's your name? -Rebecca.
Hi, Rebecca.
I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
-No, you're not.
Let's go.
-l-- We were really hitting it off.
Don't look up, there's cameras.
I'm curious, in the "How Well Do You Know Sheldon?" section what did you put for his favorite amino acid? [IN UNISON.]
Damn it, I had lysine and changed it.
Oh, good.
You're just in time.
I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Hear him out.
If he's onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con make a fortune.
You see, my initial approach to Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.
Stu the Cockatoo? Yes.
He's new at the zoo.
It's a terrific book.
I've distilled its essence into a simple flow chart that will guide me through the process.
Have you thought about putting him in a crate while you're out of the apartment? Hello, Kripke.
Yeah, Sheldon Cooper here.
It occurred to me you hadn't returned any of my calls because I hadn't offered any suggestions for pursuing our friendship.
Yeah, perhaps the two of us might share a meal together.
Yeah, I see.
Well, then perhaps you'd have time for a hot beverage? Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa.
I see.
No, no, no, wait.
Don't hang up yet.
But what about a recreational activity? I bet we share some common interests.
Tell me an interest of yours.
Really? On actual horses? Tell me another interest of yours.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I have no desire to get in the water till I absolutely have to.
Tell me another interest of yours.
-Uh-oh, he's stuck in an infinite loop.
-I can fix it.
It's interesting but isn't ventriloquism by definition a solo activity? Yeah.
Tell me another interest of yours.
Is there any chance you like monkeys? Yeah, what is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys.
Hang on, Kripke.
A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity.
Howard, that's brilliant.
I'm surprised you saw that.
Gee, why can't Sheldon make friends? All right.
That last interest strikes me as the least objectionable.
And I would like to propose that we do that together.
Yes, I'll pay.
All right, goodbye.
All right.
Time to learn rock climbing.
You know, I am a fan of ventriloquism.
Maybe you, me and your dummy could go get a hot beverage.
He could talk while you drink.
I wanna climb some rocks.
This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop.
You know, one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.
-Hey, you afraid of heights, Cooper? -Hardly.
A fear of heights is illogical.
Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.
What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our newfound friendship? Come on, they have birthday parties here.
Little kids climb this.
Little kid hominids, perhaps.
So is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.
Let's go, Cooper.
Coming, Kripke.
Okay, harness seems to be secure.
A small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that's to be expected.
This isn't so bad.
It's a bit like vertical swimming.
Look at you.
You're almost halfway to the top.
I am? l-- I was wrong.
It is a fear of heights.
-You all right there, Cooper? -Not really.
I feel like an inverse tangent function that's approaching an asymptote.
-Stuck? -What part of "inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote" did you not understand? I understood all of it, I'm not a moron.
Just keep going.
Yeah, I don't think I can.
Well, then climb back down.
No, that doesn't seem any more likely.
So, what's the plan, Cooper? Well, it's not exactly a plan but I think I'm going to pass out.
I'm sorry, can we just do it one more time? Okay.
One, two.
One, two, three and.
It's a little thing but you really do miss it.
Hello, everyone.
I brought my new friend, Barry Kripke, home for dinner.
Hello to you too.
How was rock climbing? He passed out.
Just hung there like a big salami.
Eh, eh, eh.
That's where I sit.
Ooh, you have a special spot.
What kind of wacko are you? How much time you got? You want some Chinese food? Terrific.
Got any dental floss? In the bathroom.
Be right back.
I gotta floss the Indian food out of my teeth if I'm gonna eat Chinese.
Sheldon, are you okay? Oh, yes.
I pass out all the time.
But it was worth it.
I've made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke which brings me to an awkward moment.
-What's that? -Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task.
So I'm going to have to let one of you go.
Me, me, let it be me.
Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer.
You are safe.
-Can I whistle? -Don't be silly.
Howard you do not have a Ph.
Your cologne is an assault on the senses.
And you're not available for video games during the Jewish High Holidays.
-Guilty as charged.
I'm out.
You, too, are safe.
Come on.
What do I have to do? Okay, you know what? I see where this is going.
I'm not one of you guys.
-I'm not a scientist, so-- SHELDON: Penny everything you're saying is true, but please allow me to continue.
Raj, you're out.
It's a good question.
While you do provide a certain cultural diversity to a homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing.
How could you for a moment think that my favorite amino acid is glutamine? [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
-He had lysine but changed it.
Should have, would have, could have, Raj.
I like to floss before I eat so my gum pockets are open for new food.
How did I walk past you? I'm Barry.
-Eh, that's not a very hot name.
I'm gonna call you "Roxanne.
" Ooh, pot stickers.
Suddenly, I'm looking pretty good, huh? So, uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there's any chance you could get me some time on the Open Science Grid computer? No.
No? But we're friends.
I'm sorry.
No, my friend.
I'm confused.
I was given to understand that you allow your friends time on the machine.
No, that's wrong.
There's an official schedule.
I have no control over it.
This entire endeavor seems to have been an exercise in futility.
Raj, you're back in.
He likes monkeys.
You gotta give him credit for sticking with it.
I didn't think he had it in him.
And he almost made it to the top this time.