Big Bang Theory s03e04 Episode Script

The Pirate Solution

[GREMLINS CHITTERING ON TV] This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
What do you mean? The instructions are very clear.
Don't feed the gremlins after midnight.
Don't get the gremlins wet.
How hard is that? Hi, guys.
-Hi, honey.
-Hey.
Oh, we're "honey" now, are we? Yes.
Since their relationship became carnal Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment distinguishing him from those she calls "sweetie" in an attempt to soften a thinly veiled insult.
You're boring people, sweetie.
Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.
-So, what are you guys doing? -Celebrating Columbus Day.
We're watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes.
They're all written by Chris Columbus.
Okay.
What do you watch on Thanksgiving? The parade.
That reminds me.
I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving.
This year, they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial.
-What's he on trial for? -Oh, just a big misunderstanding.
You know, you'd like my brother.
He's kind of a chemist.
I was thinking I'd have Thanksgiving here.
-And you are all invited.
-Oh, I'll be there.
Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce? I guess I could serve both.
You guess? You don't seem to have much of a handle on this.
Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up her famous tur-briska-fil.
Tur-briska-fil? A turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish.
It's not as good as it sounds.
Raj, what about you? Oh, he usually comes to my house.
Right, pal? [SOBS] Uh, all right.
This year, you don't have to eat the tur-briska-fil.
I don't even chew it.
I swallow it like pills.
So, what's going on with Raj? Well, the good news is he has no problem with my mother's tur-briska-fil.
Hard to believe, but go on.
The bad news is he says he's getting deported.
What do you mean he's getting deported? I believe it means the U.
S.
government is going to expel him from the country.
He could return to India, immigrate to another country willing to accept him or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate.
Personally, I'd choose pirate.
Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him? Ugh.
Fine, but the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Another reason to consider a life of piracy.
Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession.
Okay, she's gone.
Sorry I lost my cool.
So, what's going on? Okay, here's the deal.
Six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end.
So? My visa is only good as long as I'm employed at the university.
When they find out I've got squat, they're gonna cut me off.
By the way, when I say "squat," I mean "diddlysquat.
" I wish I had squat.
Wait.
What have you been doing for the past six months? You know, checking e-mail updating my Facebook status messing up Wikipedia entries.
Did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now? You've continued to take the university's money under false pretenses? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist.
Although, practically mandatory for a pirate.
I don't wanna go back to India.
It's hot and loud.
And there's so many people.
You have no idea.
They're everywhere.
Okay, guys, think.
How do we keep Raj in the country? PENNY [FROM OUTSIDE]: Why doesn't he just get another job? What are you asking me for? I don't know if you can talk now or not.
Oh, beef.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Did you know at the Mumbai McDonald's, you can't get a Big Mac? All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac.
And the special sauce? Curry.
Which in India, believe you me, is really not that special.
-Don't worry.
You'll find another job.
-Yeah, let me start practicing for it.
"Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?" Hi, Leonard.
Hello, Raj.
Hello, Sheldon.
Forgive me.
I'm not adept at reading facial cues.
But I'm going to take a stab here.
You're either sad or nauseated.
-I'm sad.
-I was going to say sad.
I don't know why I hedged.
What are you eating? Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.
Oh, beefaroni.
I think I'll miss you most of all.
I've always been a little confused about this.
Why don't Hindus eat beef? -We believe cows are gods.
-Not technically.
In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.
Do not tell me about my culture.
I'll take you out, I swear to cow.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
I'm just-- I'm a little on edge.
Mm, understandable.
Your life seems to be crumbling around you and your future appears bleak at best.
Thank you.
And you're wrong about Hinduism and cows.
Hey, Raj, Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join -the stellar evolution research team.
-You're kidding.
That's fantastic.
-Call him and set up an interview.
-I'm on it.
-That's happy, right? -Yeah.
Nailed it.
Dr.
Koothrappali, come on in.
I was surprised to hear you're interested in joining our team.
Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we? No, no.
It's a very promising area.
In a perfect world, I'd spend several more years on it.
I couldn't pass up the opportunity to work with you on your tremendously exciting and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.
Splendid.
Please sit down.
Can I offer you a sherry? It's a little early, isn't it? Not on Proxima Centauri.
Ha, ha.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, that's very good.
Jolly amusing.
But if you don't mind, I'll hold off until sunset on Titan.
Ha, ha.
Well done.
I have a feeling you're going to fit in fine, Dr.
Koothrappali.
Thank you, sir.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] I'm sorry.
Am I late? LAUGHLIN: No, no.
Right on time.
Dr.
Koothrappali, may I present Dr.
Millstone from MIT.
She'll be heading up our data analysis team.
It's nice to meet you, Dr.
Koothrappali.
I read your paper on Kuiper Belt object-size distribution.
I really enjoyed it.
How did you correct for the selection bias? Well, I ran a simulation.
Allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency.
-Oh.
That's just fascinating.
-Thank you.
Would you like to hear more about it at my hot tub? So when do I start? You didn't get the job? How could you not get it? You know, he's British, I'm Indian.
Ever since Gandhi, they haven't liked us very much.
Are you saying that he discriminated against you? We should file a complaint.
That's okay.
Complaint's been filed.
So that's it.
That was my last hope.
I'm gonna be deported.
Sent home in disgrace.
Exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay.
Or as you may know him, Dave from AT&T Customer Service.
-I'm really gonna miss you.
-Will you come visit me in India? Gee, that's like a 17-hour flight.
How about I meet you halfway? Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan.
Tell you what, we'll Skype.
-Gentlemen.
-Hey.
Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin? -No.
-I assumed as much, but never fear.
Like the subordinate male protagonist in action movies who disappears halfway through the second reel, I have returned to save the day.
Odd.
Usually he's met by cheers.
Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark-matter annihilations.
-It occurred to me that I could-- -Excuse me.
How many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point? If you didn't cheer at my entrance, it's too late to buy into the premise.
Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department and Raj can come work for me.
You want me to work with you? For me.
You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job.
Okay.
Please don't take this the wrong way but I'd rather swim buck naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
For me.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Sheldon, are you busy? Of course I'm busy.
-Shall I wait? -Yes, please.
How may I help you? I've reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
For me.
Yes, for you.
I do, however, have a few conditions.
First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal.
Second, my contributions shall be noted in published materials.
Third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
I'm impressed, Raj.
Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
-Thank you.
-I reject them all.
Then you leave me no choice.
I accept the job.
I'm sorry.
I believe you've misunderstood.
I'm not giving you the job.
I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it.
Have a seat.
We'll get started with the interview.
You're kidding.
Please.
All right.
[RAJ SIGHS] So.
That's what you wear to an interview? Come on, we've been friends for years.
Oh, pulling strings, are we? Sheldon, for God's sakes, don't make me beg.
Buzzinga.
You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes.
I'm your boss now.
You may wanna laugh at that.
Ah.
This is nice, having the place to ourselves, isn't it? Uh-huh.
Now that Raj is working for Sheldon, I don't have to chauffeur him around.
Plus, yeah, with them working late so much, we get some privacy.
PENNY: Mm-hm.
Hey.
Wanna get a little crazy? What are you thinking? Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
You are a dirty girl.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Oh, God, how did he know? Hello? -Hi, Howard.
PENNY: Heh.
Am I interrupting? Little bit, yeah.
Guess I should've called.
Yeah, maybe.
[SIGHS] [CLICKING TONGUE] Tonight's the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the Palomino.
Uh-huh.
But he's working with Sheldon.
-Yes.
We know.
HOWARD: Hoo.
Want me to leave? You know, whatever.
I guess I can hang for a little while.
So, what are we watching? Sex and the City, yikes.
Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Fine.
Let's watch it.
Maybe all our periods will synchronize.
We're going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark-matter collisions.
Ooh, dark matter.
We better bring a flashlight, ha, ha.
I was making a joke.
I'm the boss.
I make the jokes.
Sorry.
Go ahead and make your joke.
This is not the time for joking.
We're doing serious research which requires complete and utter focus.
All right.
Let's buckle down and work.
-Sheldon.
-What? -I need an aspirin.
-Top desk drawer.
-Thank you.
-All right? -Yes.
-Good.
That was fun, ha, ha.
Thank you.
Leonard, you don't have to say thank you every time we have sex.
Oh, okay.
Tomorrow, you're gonna get a card in the mail.
Just throw it away.
[IN IRISH ACCENT] Top of the morning to you.
What are you doing here? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Well, usually on Sundays I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmer's market but he's still working with Sheldon.
So I thought I'd come over here and make scrambled eggs and salami.
It's the perfect meal for après l'amour.
[PENNY GROANS] Kill me.
By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish.
Bravo, Leonard.
See, if you had killed me when I said "kill me" I wouldn't have had to hear that.
What do you guys think? Wanna take in a matinée? Go rollerblading? Catch a step class? -Do something.
-Yeah.
Okay.
Um.
Howard, we need to talk.
Sure.
What's up, homes? [STAMMERS] Please understand that it's not that we don't want you around.
But Penny and I occasionally need some alone time.
Oh.
I get it.
I'm the third wheel.
Heh.
Sorry, I should've seen that.
I'll get out of your way.
Uh, you're gonna wanna eat those eggs while they're still hot.
Thank you.
And there's lox and cream cheese in the fridge.
The bagels are in the oven.
I was warming them up.
That's great.
I'm just gonna hang out with my mom.
That's always fun.
Good.
[BOTH SIGH] -Are we terrible people? -I don't know.
What do you want me to do? Ahh.
Get him.
Bring him back.
You sure? Yeah.
Okay.
Howard, come back.
Oh, you guys had me scared for a minute.
No, no.
That rate is much too low from what we'd expect from this collision.
Do you understand we're talking about dark matter colliding in outer space? Of course I understand.
And who are you to tell me about outer space? Well, I'm the astrophysicist.
"Astro" means "space.
" "Astro" means "star.
" Let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I'd be kicking your butt.
English is your native language.
Okay, you got me there.
But you're wrong about this.
There's a fine line between wrong and visionary.
Unfortunately, you have to be a visionary to see it.
God, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold.
Let me tell you, some of those thoughts are pure caca.
Caca? -It means "doo-doo.
" -All right.
First of all, Dr.
Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me-- Aha! So I am working with you? In this context, "with me" means "for me.
" Oh.
Yeah, well, in this context: [BLOWS RASPBERRY] All right.
If I'm wrong, prove it.
Okay.
Here's where we derived the mass of the dark-matter particle.
-You've misstated the weight.
-Let me finish.
-You're defacing my work.
-I'm not.
I'm fixing it.
-Give me the eraser.
-No.
I said give it to me.
Come and get it.
Fine.
Oh, Lord.
Dr.
Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board.
-You are not my superior.
-I am in every way.
Oh, yeah? Can you do this? Nice working with you.
I'm sorry.
"For you.
" Argh! Raj? Raj? Raj? I'm busy.
Doing what? -You've made your point.
-What do you want, Sheldon? I looked over the board, and it turns out you were right.
-You were wrong? -I didn't say that.
-That's the only logical inference.
-I didn't say it.
Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.
For you or with you? In this context, "for me" could mean "with me.
" -I have conditions.
-I reject them all.
I'll take the job.
See you Monday.
-Wait.
You have to drive me home.
-How did you get here? -I walked.
-So walk home.
I can't.
There's a big dog outside.
We can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector -for 500 GeV particles.
-All right.