Big Bang Theory s03e08 Episode Script

The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

How much time do we have? Uh, T-minus five hours, Okay, our position is 34.
48 degrees north, 118.
31 west.
That means the azimuth should be 168.
22 degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of 49.
93.
-Anything yet? -Uh, we have a signal -but no frame lock.
-Hang on.
How about now? [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] We did it.
Ha, ha.
We have the West Coast feed of HBO.
Ooh, Real Sex.
Big deal.
Every time I watch that it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.
All right, let's see what's on the East Coast feed.
Oh, hey.
Dune.
Not a great movie, but look at that beautiful desert.
Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.
It's just not the same without him.
[ALL LAUGHING] LEONARD: That was good.
That was good.
[HOWARD & LEONARD SIGH] Oh, this sucks.
I'm switching back to Real Sex.
Sheldon's log.
Stardate 63345.
3.
While my colleagues are off observing the Leonid meteor shower I've remained behind to complete my paper on the decays of highly excited massive string states.
Although my research is going well I do miss the warmth of human companionship.
[LAUGHS] And good evening to you, Siam Palace.
This is Sheldon Cooper.
I'm going to be dining alone this evening so I'll be reducing my usual order.
I'd like to start with one quarter of the Assorted Appetizers Plate and one half of the Golden Treasure for two-- Oh, for heaven's sake.
In the mid-18th century King Rama IV of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe to preserve his throne.
Surely you, his cultural descendant, can handle pad thai and dumplings.
PENNY: Sheldon, help! I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on Yelp.
com recently took down a local muffin store.
Penny.
Penny.
Penny.
PENNY: Come in! Hurry! [SHOWER RUNNING] -Penny? PENNY: I'm back here.
Penny.
Penny.
Penny.
PENNY: Oh, for God's sakes, I'm in the bathroom.
Shall I come back at a better time? PENNY: Get in here! Hurry! Don't you dare knock.
Hello.
I slipped in the shower.
I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Not surprising.
You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.
What? Tubs are slippery.
I know.
I slipped.
I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.
Whatever.
Will you just turn the water off and help me up? SHELDON: They're holding umbrellas.
-Unh.
-What? -The ducks in my tub.
Unh.
Uh-huh.
They're whimsical, because ducks have neither a need for nor the ability to use umbrellas.
Oh, my God.
I gotta go to the emergency room.
Assuming you're correct that your humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would think so.
-Can you drive me? -I don't drive.
Well, I can't drive.
Well, it seems we've reached an impasse.
Ow! I could call you a cab or an ambulance.
No, no, no, I can't wait that long.
You gotta help me.
Please? All right.
Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.
No one's saying that.
Let's go.
It does seem rather ironic that for want of 99-cent adhesive ducks we both might die in a fiery car crash.
I wish Penny didn't have to work.
She loves camping.
That would've been great.
You and Penny having sex in the tent while I sit out here and watch Howard hump a cactus.
Okay, the best I can tell, there are eight other campsites nearby.
Mostly science nerds like us, but just over yon ridge are two not unattractive middle-school teachers who reek of desperation.
-Wonderful.
How old are they? -I don't know, 50, 55? Oh, menopause.
Heh.
Nature's birth control.
Come on.
You guys can't be that hard up.
-I am.
-Yeah, me too.
Look, they gave me homemade cookies.
Of course they did.
That's what grandmothers do.
-So, what are we waiting for? -Relax.
I said we'd stop by a little later, after they have their nap.
-Good idea.
They'll be refreshed.
HOWARD: Yeah.
-Cookie? -Thank you.
RAJESH: Mmm.
-Mm.
Not bad.
-Yeah, very tasty.
Tell me more about these teachers.
Not much to tell.
They had a VW Microbus and were wearing tie-dyed Grateful Dead T-shirts.
Huh.
Hm.
Good cookies.
[SHELDON SIGHS] I see no organizational system in here whatsoever.
Which panties do you wear on Mondays? I don't need panties.
I just need shorts and a shirt.
Mother always told me one should wear clean underpants -in case one is in an accident.
-One was already in an accident.
Doesn't mean one won't be in another, especially if I drive.
-Clothes, Sheldon.
I need clothes.
-Okay.
-Here.
-Seriously? Those shorts with that top? All right.
No.
No.
Oh, that's cute.
We should have you checked for a concussion.
Okay, now you gotta help me put these on.
-All right.
-But don't look.
-Don't look? -I don't want you to see me naked.
Oh.
Well, that's understandable.
You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology.
Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa -Orpheus and Eurydice-- -Great.
They always look.
It never ends well.
You gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.
Okay.
Is that my arm? Doesn't feel like an arm.
Then maybe you should let it go.
Alrighty.
Stars are pretty, aren't they? Up above the world so high.
Like little diamonds in the sky.
That's beautiful, dude.
You should write that down before someone steals it.
So when do the meteors get here? The meteors don't get here.
The Earth is moving into their path.
I can feel it.
I can feel the Earth moving.
Heh.
It's moving too fast.
Raj, slow it down.
Okay, how's that? Better, thanks.
Stars are pretty, aren't they? [RAJESH LAUGHING] What's so funny? It's your American accent.
Everything you say sounds stupid.
Ha-ha-ha.
[IMITATING LEONARD] "Stars are pretty, aren't they?" [RAJESH & HOWARD LAUGHING] [CHUCKLES THEN LAUGHING] For the record, I should let you know this is my first time driving an actual motor vehicle.
-You have your learner's permit, right? -Yes.
And I've logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.
-Good.
-Didn't work out well.
-All right.
Can we go? -One moment.
According to my Driver's Ed book, the side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the driver's door handle is visible in the lower right corner.
There's the handle.
Back.
Too far.
Bringing it back.
Optimized.
Ahem.
Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger-side mirror? It's right there.
Where is the passenger-side mirror? In a parking lot in Hollywood.
-Now, can we please go? -Yes.
Soon as I adjust my seat.
Whee! Oh, dear.
I'm gonna have to start again.
If I could speak the language of rabbits they would be amazed and I would be their king.
I hate my name.
It has "nerd" in it.
Leon-nerd.
I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeanie.
I would be kind to my rabbit subjects.
At first.
You know what's a cool name? Angelo.
That has "angel" and "Jell-O" in it.
It was my Uncle Murray's funeral.
We were all back at my Aunt Barbara's house.
Our eyes locked over the pickled herring.
We never meant for it to happen.
One day, I hold a great ball for the president of France.
But the rabbits, they hate me and don't come.
I'm embarrassed, so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.
People could call me Angie.
[IN NEW YORK ACCENT] "Yo, Angie.
How's it going?" To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed.
Oh, cousin Jeanie.
[PENNY SIGHS] Could you please drive a little faster? Oh, I think we're going sufficiently fast.
[ENGINE KNOCKING] -What's that? -Nothing.
-The engine does that sometimes.
-It can't be nothing.
The "check engine" light is on.
We need a service station.
The light's been on since I bought the car.
All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.
It's not gonna explode.
Just keep driving.
Warp speed ahead, Mr.
Spock.
Mr.
Spock did not pilot the Enterprise.
He was the science officer.
I guarantee that if he saw the Enterprise's "check engine" light blinking he would pull the ship over immediately.
Oh, God, I'm gonna lose the arm.
Oop.
Red light.
Release accelerator and slowly apply the brake.
[SHELDON SIGHING] Nailed it.
While we have a moment -may I ask you a question? -What? Why do you have the Chinese character for "soup" tattooed on your right buttock? -It's not "soup.
" It's "courage.
" -No, it isn't.
I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
How did you see it? You said you wouldn't look.
Sorry.
As I told you, the hero always peeks.
-Anything? -No, that was the last pudding cup.
No.
What about Slim Jims? That's what he used to eat his pudding, remember? Right.
That was so good.
Sweetie and meaty at the same time.
Wait, wait, wait.
So you're saying we're out of food? The only thing in here are blue-ice packs.
I know they're poison but they look like big, yummy Otter Pops.
-Oh, God, I am so hungry.
-Me too.
Check and see if we have any more pudding.
Okay.
All right.
There's no need to bark at me.
According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk you're after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone.
We have to fill these out.
"Describe illness or injury.
" I dislocated my shoulder.
All right.
And "how did the accident occur?" You already know that.
Cause of accident: lack of adhesive ducks.
Okay, medical history.
-Have you been diagnosed with diabetes? -No.
-Kidney disease? -No.
-Migraines? -Getting one.
-Are you currently pregnant? -No.
Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Change migraine to "yes.
" -"When was your last menstrual period?" -Oh, next question.
I'll put "in progress.
" Okay.
Moving to psychiatric disorders.
"List all major behavioral diagnoses, e.
g.
depression, anxiety, etc.
" What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder? Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
-Ass.
-Possible Tourette's.
All right.
"Moles, lesions or other skin conditions.
" "Soup" tattoo on right buttock.
Okay, Sheldon.
Sheldon, look.
I am scared and in a lot of pain.
Could you please take a break from being you for just a minute and try being, I don't know, comforting? Ahem.
I'm sorry.
There, there.
Everything's going to be fine.
Sheldon's here.
Thanks.
That's much better.
Oh, I'm so hungry.
Will you shut up? We're all hungry.
Okay, our objective is the Boy Scout campsite to the east.
Easy target.
Big, doughy scoutmaster, couple of Cubs, mostly Webelos.
What kind of score? Hot dogs, buns, s'mores.
I mean, it's a freaking 7-Eleven.
-All right.
Everyone grab flashlights.
-Okay.
Oh, my God.
Could it be? Yes! My mother put an "I love you" brisket in my backpack! -Quick, get forks.
-Don't need forks.
It's so tender, it falls apart in your hands.
-He's right.
HOWARD: Yes.
[ALL GRUNTING] I feel like we're forgetting something important.
Me too, but what? Maybe a Tupperware bowl of roasted potatoes and carrots? LEONARD & RAJESH: Yes! Yes! Now remember you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer so don't operate heavy machinery.
Try not to choke on your own drool.
Wait.
You have to help me get into bed.
[CHUCKLING] Sheldon has to get me into bed.
Bet you never thought I'd say that.
Ha-ha-ha.
Yes.
The charm of your drug-addled candor knows no bounds.
You know, people think you're this weird robot man who's so annoying all the time, and you totally are.
But then it's like that movie Wall-E at the end.
You're so full of love and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs.
That's a fairly labored metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.
Sing "Soft Kitty" to me.
"Soft Kitty" is for when you're sick.
You're not sick.
Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.
[SINGING] Soft kitty, warm kitty Little ball of fur Wait, wait.
Let's sing it as a round.
I'll start.
[SINGING] Soft kitty, warm kitty Little ball of fur See, that's where you come in.
I'll start over.
Soft kitty, warm kitty Little ball of fur I've got all night, Sheldon.
Soft kitty, warm kitty -Little ball of fur -Soft kitty, warm kitty -Little ball of fur -Happy kitty, sleepy kitty -Happy kitty, sleepy kitty -Purr, purr, purr Purr, purr, purr And the next morning when he woke up, he rolled over and realized-- Da, da, da! --she was his cousin.
[LEONARD & RAJESH LAUGHING] That's still not funny.
[IMITATING HOWARD] "That's still not funny.
" And she was my second cousin.
"And she was my second cousin.
" You're a real douche.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Who cares? You slept with your cousin.