Big Bang Theory s03e12 Episode Script

The Psychic Vortex

Look at us, getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they're our girlfriends.
Yes.
I mean, actual women are the best.
I don't understand.
What other kind of women are there? Artificial women are your department.
You wanna take this? No, it would just freak him out.
Listen, before we leave, I should warn you I'm a passionate man and I tend towards public displays of affection.
What are you trying to tell me, Howard? There might be making out in the car or restaurant.
I don't want Bernadette to feel uncomfortable so it would help if you and Penny made out too.
Don't worry, we're planning to have sex right on the salad bar.
Namaste, white people.
Good news.
I've rented us -the four-hour edition of Watchmen.
-Got it.
-Seen it.
-Detailed analysis posted online.
Then what are we gonna do tonight? Sorry.
Howard and I are going out with Penny and Bernadette.
Yeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard.
These broncos have been saddled.
[IMITATES HORSE WHINNYING] How did we get actual women? Great.
They get girlfriends and they just abandon us? It is great, isn't it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.
-We do? -Oh, yes.
I discovered I don't have enough room on my hard drive for a LINUX partition.
You and I are gonna perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.
-I don't wanna do that.
-All right.
Well, I'm going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.
Well, what about me? Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women.
Maybe you should look into that.
Dude, there are so many cool things we could be doing tonight.
Look.
At the Glendale Galleria: "Put on your best zoot suit.
It's a salute to swing music in the center court near Macy's, Huh? Huh? A salute to zoot.
-Sounds like a hoot.
-I'm sorry, Raj.
I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight much less one that's linked to race riots in the 1940s.
Race riots? The Zoot Suit Riots.
Oh.
I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale.
Why don't we go to the galleria and walk around? I don't need anything at the galleria.
You need anything at the galleria? No, we would just walk around and see what's what.
That's a semantically null sentence.
Okay, well, how about this? From the university website: "Seven p.
m.
to 10 p.
m.
, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room mixer for grad students and faculty of the Science and Humanities Departments.
Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be.
" Well, that's certainly amusing but I have no interest.
Come on, Sheldon.
The world is filled with people doing things outside.
Let's go outside.
Outside is good.
If outside is so good why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside? I don't know.
It's a marketing scheme.
Please, Sheldon, I'm a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff.
Let me offer you a compromise.
Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery I use my imagination.
Oh, boy.
One of my favorite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott's mathematical fantasy Flatland.
I don't wanna go to Flatland.
You're only saying that because you haven't been there.
I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.
Oy.
Is that you, Raj? I don't recognize your edge.
Sheldon, I'm begging you.
I want to go to this mixer, and I don't want to go alone.
Well, you're in luck.
There's a mixer here in Flatland.
Oh, look.
There's a sexually attractive line segment.
-Chat her up.
-What? Tell her you're a circle.
Flatland gals are all hot for circles.
I hope you're hungry.
We're going to a terrific restaurant.
Oh, yeah, I'm starved.
When you spend all day in a bio lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize rodents it really works up an appetite.
Flesh-eating bacteria and yet I still wanna kiss this woman.
What does that tell you? You'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base.
We're way past second base.
Right, Howard? Well, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.
How's your work going, Penny? Any acting jobs? The last big thing I did was this production of Diary of Anne Frank above a bowling alley.
But I think things might be turning around pretty soon.
Well, great.
How come? Well, promise you won't make fun of me? Of course.
I would never make fun of you.
Okay, well, I went to this psychic who told me that if I cut my hair I'm gonna get a national commercial.
[LAUGHING] What? Seriously? You're getting career advice from a psychic? Good job not making fun of her.
She's not one of those phonies, okay? She wrote a book, has her own website.
Oh, gee, why didn't you say so? They don't just let anyone have a website.
-Why are you being such a jerk? -You're surprised? Your psychic didn't tell you I was going to be a jerk? Heh, heh.
Bite me.
-Come on, Penny.
-Why don't you kids go ahead and chat? We're gonna make out back here.
I'm sliding into third.
Thanks for coming with me.
Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.
Did you really have to bring it with you? What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low? -Come on, let's get a drink.
-I don't drink.
Well, I do.
And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot.
I'll have a screwdriver, please.
And don't be chintzy with the screw.
I would like a root-beer float.
-Sheldon, they don't have ice cream.
-They don't? Well, apparently these people and I differ greatly on the definition of "party.
" -He'll have a Shirley Temple.
-And don't be chintzy with the Shirley.
-Okay, let's check out the females.
-All right.
There's a female.
That's Professor Wilkinson's wife.
She's like 80.
But she's female.
Isn't that the game? -No.
I'm looking for a hookup.
-Oh, yes.
So the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with? Not so loud.
But ideally, yes.
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
And what is my function as wingman? -You help me run my game.
-Okay.
And what is your game? When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
Hey, that's pretty cool.
What is it? It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern.
My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
You're very funny.
I'm Abby.
-I'm Sheldon.
-How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali.
Call me Raj.
-Hey, Raj.
Where are you from? -The mysterious subcontinent of India.
-Ooh.
India.
-You know India? -I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
-Well, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
I thought your father was a gynecologist.
I'm sorry.
Martha, come here.
Meet Raj and Sheldon.
-My friend Martha.
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Hello.
Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern? In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.
Oh, that is so awesome.
Thank you.
Have you chosen one to copulate with? So, what should we talk about? Well, we could always learn more about why people who believe in psychics are idiots.
Leonard? We don't need to talk about that anymore.
Leonard covered it pretty well in the car.
I'm sorry, but facts are facts.
Right, and if you can't understand it, it's not a fact.
No, if it's not a fact, it's not a fact.
-Oh, got it.
Thank you for educating me.
-Oh, you're welcome.
-How's your fish? -Amazing.
-Would you like to try some? -Yeah, sure.
Well, the fact is you can't.
Howard, Bernadette, you're both scientists.
Help me out here.
Wanna jump in the middle of another couple's argument? -No, thank you.
-Sorry.
Maybe we should just stop talking about this.
Maybe some of us should stop talking altogether.
-How is everything tonight? -Really uncomfortable.
The best thing about a monogamous, mutually supportive relationship is even if you have different ideas you can have a spirited debate, yet still care for, even make love-- You want your fish? Knew you were gonna do that.
Doesn't make me psychic.
Attaboy, Leonard.
Make it worse.
[SINGING] American woman Listen what I say What's going on? We scored.
I'm the wingman.
American woman -Hey.
-Laser.
Had a great night last night.
I don't like to kiss and tell, but somebody made it to eighth base.
-What the hell is eighth base? -Seventh base with shirt off.
Well, my shirt.
-How'd things go with Penny? -Oh, couldn't be better.
Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons? It's not just Cylons.
Superman's next.
I was gonna try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch but I can come back when you don't have a high-powered weapon.
How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics? Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
And that didn't bother you? Au contraire, it meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.
What am I supposed to do? Pretend I believe something I don't when I'm with Penny? Hey, I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Do me a favor.
Lean over, put your head right here.
Let me show you another way to look at this.
Here we have the universe of all women.
Okay, these are the ones you wanna sleep with.
These are the women who believe exactly what you believe.
These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you.
And right there, in the little triple intersection is your ideal mate.
Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
What's your point? To keep having a sexual relationship with Penny I have to give up everything I believe in? My intellectual integrity? The very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.
I respect that.
-What is that? -Your new girlfriend.
Have fun tonight.
"The dog.
" [SPEAKS IN FINNISH] "The roof.
" [SPEAKS IN FINNISH] "Grapes.
" [SPEAKS IN FINNISH] [KNOCKING] One minute.
[SPEAKS IN FINNISH] -What was that? -It means, "Come in.
" It's taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer.
I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom.
Now I thought I'd learn Finnish.
[SPEAKS IN HINDI] That's Hindi for, "Whatever floats your boat.
" Listen, I got a text from that girl Abby and she and Martha wanna hang out with us again.
-What do you say? -I don't say anything.
I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you've gone insane.
-I don't get it.
You had a great time.
-Yes, exactly.
I had a great time.
That's done.
I've moved on to other things.
For example, after I learn Finnish, I'm not going to learn Finnish again.
Please, Sheldon.
I'm a lost Indian boy far from home and I want a girlfriend, and I want her to be Abby and she'll only come if she can bring Martha.
I highly doubt there is any argument you can make threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation supplication or "vetoomus" that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.
My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.
Oh, my.
I've admired these for years.
Does that mean we can go out with the girls again? Hulk agree to second date with puny humans.
You can't wear the hands on the date.
Hulk sad.
Hey.
Cleaning out the old dryer lint, huh? Not only is it courteous, it's safety-smart.
Every year, 15,000 fires are caused by accidental dryer-lint ignition.
And now you're supposed to say, "Wow, what an interesting fact.
Come here, you crazy, nerdy guy.
I could never be mad at you.
" Wow.
That's all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz? No, I'm sorry.
I really am.
It's not right to mock what a person believes in.
Thank you.
You willing to go to my psychic and see what it's about? You willing to read a book that concisely explains how all psychics are frauds? I would not.
-Okay, let's go see your psychic.
-Really? Well, yeah.
One of us has to keep an open mind.
-Saying I don't have an open mind? -No.
Let me help you with this stuff.
You know, I believe in ghosts too.
-Great.
-And astrology.
I know.
And pyramid power and healing crystals.
Oh, no, no, no.
Crystals don't work.
Really? That's the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo? Oh, voodoo's real.
You don't wanna mess with voodoo.
Flatland is more than just a mathematical essay.
It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.
You know, I had never considered that.
Wow.
I mean, that's going to completely change my visits there.
[LAUGHS] -Well, it's late.
-Uh-huh.
Time for bed.
Okay.
Good night, puny human.
Sheldon? Yes? Listen, they're kind of getting busy in the living room and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.
Well, I suppose.
Come in.
I'll sleep in Leonard's room.
Good night.