Big Bang Theory s03e18 Episode Script

The Pants Alternative

Okay, in Avatar when they have sex on Pandora they hook up their ponytails.
So we know their ponytails are like their junk.
So? When they ride horses and fly on birds -they also use their ponytails.
-Your point? My point is if I were a horse or a bird I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.
It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are important things in the world to worry about.
For example, why wasn't William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie? Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of the Chancellor's Award for Science.
You wanna rub my nose in the fact my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics.
All right, I'll play.
What self-important preening fraud are they honoring this year? Oh, I'm so glad you asked it like that.
-I won? -You won.
I won.
This is astonishing.
Not that I won the award.
No one deserves it more.
Actually, I guess I misspoke.
It's not astonishing.
It's more like inevitable.
Not sure what to do.
Maybe call my mother.
I'm gonna conduct an interview with myself and post it online.
Well, good for him.
Yeah, the one thing the William Shatner of theoretical physics needed was an ego boost.
[MOVIE PLAYING OVER TV] [OBJECT WHOOSHES OVER TV] Did it look like that spear was gonna go right through your skull? No.
Hey, you didn't want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don't get glasses.
That will be another congratulatory call for me.
-Mute, please.
Hang on.
Flaming arrow.
[ARROW WHOOSHES OVER TV] Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call.
Three years ago.
I see.
What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh.
And if I don't want to forfeit the award? Well, you've got that tied up in a neat little bow.
All right, thank you.
-What? They expect me to give a speech at the banquet.
I can't give a speech.
Well, no, you're mistaken.
You give speeches all the time.
What you can't do is shut up.
Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown.
Turned brown while you were talking.
I'm perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups.
I cannot speak to large crowds.
What to you is a large crowd? Any group big enough to trample me to death.
General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.
Brought you cheesecake from work.
You know, because of your award, not because that busboy sneezed on it.
-I'm not accepting the award.
-Why not? Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.
That's no reason to back out.
I once got a pretty big honor in high school.
I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd but I went through with it.
You know? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the corn queen's court.
Thank you.
I'll bear that in mind if I'm ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.
-Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.
-Am I? Let me tell you a story.
Where's 70 children when you need them? I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college.
"Summa cum laude" is Latin for "with highest honors.
" I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.
I was valedictorian and expected to give an address.
Even now I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd.
There must have been thousands of people.
My heart started pounding in my chest.
I began to hyperventilate.
My vision became blurry, and before I knew it-- Oh, dear.
-Oh, my God.
LEONARD: Sheldon? -Sheldon, are you okay? -Don't trample me.
SHELDON: Come on, Mother, you know why I can't accept the award.
With all due respect, I don't think praying will help.
No, I have not heard the song "Jesus, Take the Wheel.
" No, no, no.
You don't need to start singing it.
Yes, I'll buy it on "the iTunes," Mother.
Goodbye, Mother.
-Sit down.
We wanna talk to you.
-Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you? Just sit.
We think we can help you with your stage fright.
Oh, I doubt that.
I haven't figured out a way and I'm much smarter than all of you.
Yes, but you're not smarter than all of us put together.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That is what I meant.
Your problem is you're trying to do this all by yourself.
We could help you.
We can be your team.
Like Professor Xavier and his X-Men.
I do like the X-Men.
Did I see X-Men? Yeah, we watched it last week.
You said you liked it.
Oh, I say a lot of things, sweetie.
So how about it, Sheldon? I don't know.
If you're my X-Men, what are your powers? Okay, well, I'm gonna take you shopping, get you a nice suit.
-Might give you more confidence.
-It's not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters but go on.
Leonard? I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.
What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind? My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast feeding co-dependently.
And Raj says he can teach you-- What did you call it? I don't know, some Indian meditation crap.
I see.
I assume since the rest of you have set the bar so low you're saving the most impressive contribution for last.
Go ahead, Howard.
Dazzle me.
My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems.
And that's 24/7, buddy.
And I appreciate the pretense.
So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men? No.
The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier.
Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Oh, that's not a good name.
[TRANQUIL INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER] These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
And yet you can't speak to women.
But thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating.
Now, ahem, close your eyes.
Okay, but don't punch me.
-What? -When I was little my sister would say: "Close your eyes, you'll get a surprise.
" And then she'd punch me.
-I'm not going to punch you.
-That's what my sister used to say.
-Look, do you wanna do this or not? -I'm sorry.
All right, ahem imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home.
-Where is that? -SimCity.
More specifically, the SimCity I designed, Sheldonopolis.
Okay, you're in Sheldonopolis.
Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the fighting Sheldons? Whatever you like.
I thought this was supposed to be guided meditation.
Fine, you're in Sheldon Square.
Really? This time of the year? It's a bit nippy.
Then put on a sweater.
Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.
Just go buy a sweater.
The nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15 percent discount.
You own the damn thing, just take a freaking sweater.
I didn't turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.
All right.
You've paid for a sweater and you're in Sheldon Square.
Hang on.
It's a cardigan, I have to button it.
-Oh, no.
-What now? A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city.
I have to get my people to safety.
People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor.
Follow me.
If the children can't run, leave them behind.
Oh, the simulated horror.
[DOOR CLOSES] Raj? [SIGHS] Just as I suspected.
Meditation is nothing but hokum.
I question your premise.
How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people? It'll give you confidence.
Sometimes when I'm feeling stressed out I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Don't you eventually realize you're the same stressed-out person in a cute top or a fun skirt? Yeah, that's when I buy shoes.
Now, let's see what we got.
This is nice.
It's only one color.
Yes, so? That's a lot of money for only one color.
Why don't you pick out what you like? Hmm.
SHELDON: This is pretty sharp.
You're wrong.
SHELDON: This is great.
I had a suit like this when I was six.
SHELDON: Okay, I think we have a winner.
-Where the hell did you find that? -In the prom department.
It's ridiculous.
Says the former member of the corn queen's court.
-Please just try this one on? -Okay.
But anything I put on now is only gonna suffer in comparison.
This is absurd.
I look like a clown.
So, Sheldon how you doing? That's how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious.
Instead I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph's.
I'm sorry.
I'll start again.
Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams? Um.
I don't know, maybe.
I recently had a dream that I was a giant.
But everything around me was to scale so it all looked normal.
Well, how did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale? I was wearing size a million pants.
-Why don't we just talk? -Ah.
The talking cure.
Classical Freudian.
Good choice.
If it will help speed things along my answers to the standard Rorschach inkblot test are: A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.
Why don't I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if on a subconscious level, they don't feel they deserve them.
Do you think maybe that's what's happening here? Really, Leonard? You just going to try to recycle Adler's doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph's.
And she'd let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.
But it could be part of your problem.
Let me give you an example.
When I was 8, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.
But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother's earlier Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock 'n' Roll.
I felt so guilty I gave the ribbon back.
And how did that make you feel? Terrible.
I worked really hard on that project.
I stayed up all night singing the clown's aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout.
Go on.
It wasn't my fault.
I had never seen my brother's project.
And my mother could've told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.
So I hear you saying you're angry with your mother.
Damn right, I'm angry with my mother.
[SNIFFLING] For God's sake, I was 8 years old.
She humiliated me.
That's when the bed-wetting started again.
-Thank you, Leonard.
-For what? If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning I think I can face a simple awards ceremony.
Wait, that's it? I thought we had a whole hour.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Dr.
Leonard Hofstadter.
It is my great honor to introduce the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science, and my good friend Dr.
Sheldon Cooper.
[APPLAUSE] But before I do, I'd like to share with you a letter from Sheldon's mother, who couldn't be here tonight.
Isn't that nice? His mother sent him a letter.
She's proud of him.
Wonder what that feels like.
"Dear Shelly.
" That's what she calls him.
It's a pet name.
You know what my mother's pet name for me is? Leonard.
But I digress.
-"Dear Shelly, I am so proud" -Oh, dear.
-What's the matter? -I'm getting dizzy.
Don't worry.
You're surrounded by your C-Men.
I can't do this.
I'm going to faint.
All right, drink this.
It'll relax you.
-Alcohol? I don't drink alcohol.
-Fine, faint.
I don't feel different.
This alcohol's defective.
See if this one works.
First of all, the projects were totally different.
I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow.
But my mother didn't hear me.
If you look at the relationship between nurturing and growth I'd like to point out that my brother is 8 inches taller than me.
SHELDON: I'm ready! Right.
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honor Dr.
Sheldon Cooper.
[APPLAUSE] Thanks, shorty.
I'll take it from here.
All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have an understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, here come the jokes.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side? Buzzinga.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge.
" Hello? I know you're out there.
I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide.
It looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience.
Randall from the geology department only man who's happy when they take his work for granite.
I kid the geologists, of course but it's only because I have no respect for the field.
Let's get serious for a moment.
Why are we all here? Because we're scientists.
And what do scientists study? The universe.
And what's the universe made of? I am so glad you asked.
[SINGING] There's antimony, arsenic Aluminum, selenium Hydrogen and oxygen And nitrogen and rhenium And nickel, neodymium Neptunium, germanium Everybody! And iron, americium Ruthenium, uranium Europium, zirconium Lutetium, vanadium Just the Asians! And lanthanum and osmium And astatine and radium Penny, Leonard.
Would you be able to answer some questions I'm having about the events of last night? -Sure.
-Question one.
Where are my pants? You might wanna check YouTube.
-What do I search? -It's already loaded.
Just hit play.
All right, people, let's get down to the math.
It is only three-dimensional thinking that limits our imagination.
Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not, my body's in the way.
But if we had access to higher dimensions we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over.
Oh, Lord, this couldn't be any more humiliating.
Give it a minute.
Now for the astronomers in the audience get ready to see the dark side of the moon.
And here's Uranus.