Big Bang Theory s05e20 Episode Script

The Transporter Malfunction

Oh, my God.
I love this chicken.
Oh, you know what they say, best things in life are free.
Okay, you're right.
I eat your food a lot.
Now, how about this? You can raid my fridge anytime you want.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, (clicks tongue) I'll come a-knockin'.
Hey, Raj, you didn't send your RSVP in.
I'm suppose to ask you if you're bringing someone to the wedding.
I'll let you know.
Well, can you make it soon? There's a battle royale going on over the seating charts.
In one corner, Bernadette's mom, in the other three, mine.
Yeah, I hate wedding receptions.
Yeah, I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins.
Slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.
Mm, you liked Professor Geyser's wedding.
They had a make-your-own-sundae bar.
Oh, that was a night to remember.
Do you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.
Anyway, you got to let me know if you have a plus one.
Because if not, my mom's trying to sneak in the doctor who sucked the fat out of her neck.
All right, uh, fine.
I'm coming and I'm bringing somebody.
Uh, Koothrappali plus one.
Who you bringing? Who are you bringing?! He's bringing me; who are you bringing? Wow, what a bunch of Nosey O'Donnells.
Come on, who is it? I'm not telling.
I'm from Asia, I'm mysterious, deal with it.
Howard aren't having a make-your-own-sundae bar? I don't think so.
Well, you should.
Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Hello, Mummy, Daddy.
How are you? Pretty good.
Can't complain.
Oh, I'm sure you can.
Just give it a minute.
Listen, uh, there's something I want to talk to you about.
I wasn't ready until now, but I think it's time.
It's finally happening.
You're coming out of the closet, aren't you? We love you, and we accept your alternate lifestyle.
Just keep it to yourself.
No, I'm not gay.
If anything, I'm metrosexual.
What's that? It means I like women as well as their skin-care products.
Well, if you're not coming out, why did you call us during the cricket semifinals? I'm tired of trying to meet someone, and I think I'd like you to help me find a a wife.
And just to clarify a female wife? Yes! Matchmaking-- very smart move, son.
Much better than marrying for love.
We married for love.
And it's been wonderful! Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Yeah, I'm glad.
It's like looking at the universe naked.
(moaning sigh) (knocking) Hi.
Guys got a minute? Sure.
What's up? Well, I was thinking about Sheldon's little joke the other night about me eating all your food.
Oh! That was no joke.
But I understand your confusion, as I am our group's resident cutup.
I'm sorry, you are our resident cutup? Yes.
Oh, prove it.
Knock-knock.
- Who's there? - Interrupting physicist.
Interrupting phys Muon! (laughs) Anyway, I got a little residual check from my commercial, and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys a little thank you to pay them back? So, Sheldon ta-da! (gasps) A vintage mint-in-box Transporter with real transporter action.
Hot darn! Where did you get that? From Stuart, at the comic book store.
You went to the comic book store by yourself? Yeah.
It was fun.
I walked in, and two different guys got asthma attacks.
Felt pretty good.
This calls for an expression of gratitude.
Ooh, am I about to get a rare Sheldon Cooper hug? No, not this time.
Then they wouldn't be special.
(clicks tongue) Thanks, Penny.
You're welcome.
Don't worry, I didn't forget about you.
Oh Leonard, I got you a label-maker! Wow No, it's great.
- Also mint-in-box.
- Mm.
And I got you a transporter, too! Awesome! Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr.
Spock action figure.
Oh, that's great! Let's open them up and put him in there.
- Open it?! - Oh, good Lord, no! Why? They're just toys.
- They're collectibles.
- They're mint-in-box.
Come on.
Can't we open one up and take a look? (screams) No, don't! Once you open the box, it loses its value.
Yeah, yeah.
My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity.
Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.
Are you sure you want us here when you meet this woman? Oh, yes.
In my culture, it's expected to have a chaperone to oversee a first date.
Plus, I want to make a good impression, and no offense, but with you guys here, I look like I'm six-two.
The nuns always chaperoned the dances at my high school.
They used to make us leave room between us for the Holy Spirit.
Uh, Hindus do the same thing.
Except they leave room for a cow.
(chuckles) Listen, I love your charming racist humor, but any chance you could not mock my religion while she's here? Yesterday, you made fun of me for eating lox.
It's different, your people don't worship lox.
Clearly, you've never been to brunch with my cousins.
So, arranged marriages-- the parents just decide and then you have to get married? No, no, I get a say in it.
But I'm sure whoever shows up will be better company than the threesome I've been having with Aunt Jemima and Mrs.
Butterworth.
Excuse me, are you Rajesh? Ah, yes.
You must be Lakshmi.
Uh, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
(chuckles) Oh! These are my friends.
- This is Bernadette.
- Hello.
- And this is Howard.
- Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Please, have a seat.
(quietly): I'm thinking double wedding.
SPOCK: Dr.
Cooper.
Dr.
Cooper? Is someone there? Down here.
On your desk.
Spock? I need to speak with you.
Fascinating.
The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.
It is not the only logical explanation.
For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.
Was I hit on the head by a coconut? I am not going to dignify that with a response.
Now to the matter at hand.
You need to play with the transporter toy.
But it's mint-in-box.
Yes.
And to open it would destroy its value.
But remember, like me, you also have a human half.
Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response.
Consider this.
What is the purpose of a toy? To be played with.
Therefore, to not play with it would be? Illogical.
Damn it, Spock, you're right.
I'll do it.
Sheldon, wait.
You have to wake up first.
Oh, of course.
Set phasers to dumb, right? (chuckles) Goodie, goodie, goodie! This is wrong, this is wrong.
I'm so excited, but this is wrong.
I'm going to do it.
I'm doing it.
I did it.
(sniffs) (sighs) That's what I always thought One to beam down, Mr.
Scott.
Aye, aye, Mr.
Spock.
Energize.
Energize.
(plastic clink) No.
No.
Don't be broken.
Oh, please, don't be broken.
What did you make me do?! Okay, okay, think.
It's only logical.
My goodness, that was delicious.
Well, I hope you saved room for chocolate lava cake.
Impressive.
What goes into making something like that? Well, you start out by trying to make chocolate soufflé, and when it falls, you panic, quickly change the name, and voila, lava cake.
I bet our parents are dying to know how things are going here.
Well, let's see.
Yep, three missed calls.
Four missed calls, two text messages and a failed video chat.
I win! (chuckles) So, what are we going to tell them? I'd like to tell them things are going well.
Me, too.
But before we get their hopes up, we should probably make sure we're on the same page.
Okay.
What page are you on? I'm on the one where I'm under a lot of pressure from my parents to get married and settle down and have a family, and I'm going to do it so they don't find out I'm gay.
Say again? I'm gay.
Like dude-on-dude, but with women? I know a fake marriage isn't an honest way to live, but you of all people should know how difficult it is to come out in our culture.
Why me of all people?! Well, there's a rumor back in New Delhi that you're-- how shall we say-- comfortable in a sari.
I'm not gay! Really? The chocolate lava cake, the little soaps in the bathroom, and I'm sorry, but you're wearing more perfume than I am.
That's Unbreakable by Khloe and Lamar.
And for your information, it's unisex.
Fill in the blank.
I love the nightlife I like to boogie.
Got you.
With women! I like to boogie with women! That's disappointing.
You were exactly the kind of phony-baloney husband I was looking for.
Thank you.
And once again, my baloney likes girls.
W-W-Wait! You don't want to put a bite of that in your mouth without trying my homemade Chantilly cream.
Yeah, okay, that time I heard it.
Oh, dear.
Two suns and no sunscreen.
Hello again, Sheldon.
What is it now, Tiny Spock? I am very disappointed in you.
You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard's.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
You're the one who told me to play with it.
If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it? Oh, if I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.
Trust me, it gets old after a while.
You must right your wrongs, Sheldon.
Why? I got away with it.
Leonard has his toy, and he's never going to open it, so he won't know it's broken.
And I have a toy that isn't broken.
Everybody's happy.
Well, I am unhappy.
I thought where you come from they don't have emotions.
I come from a factory in Taiwan.
Now, do the right thing.
You know what you are? Well, you're a green-blooded buzz kill.
Perhaps it's time you beam on out of here.
Fine.
I will just use the transporter.
Oh, right.
You broke it.
Very well.
Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up.
Energize.
(roaring) (screaming) (grunts softly) Tiny Spock, help.
Ready for lunch? Yeah, one sec.
Oh, good.
Ma would've killed me if she found out I broke my retainer.
Hey, uh can I run something by you? It's about Lakshmi.
Yeah, sure.
How are things going? We hit a couple of bumps.
She lives over in Manhattan Beach, so it takes, like, an hour to get there.
And she's a lesbian.
What do you mean, "she's a lesbian"? Well, you know how whenever you and I would try to hit on women in bars and they'd blow us off and then we'd tell each other they were probably gay? It's like that.
Except this time, it's true.
Then why did she even go out with you? She was looking for a husband so she can appear to be straight.
And, you know, it sounded crazy to me at first but I'm actually thinking about doing it.
Okay, so the reason that might sound crazy is 'cause it's crazy! Look, Howard, you're in a relationship.
You know you have to make compromises.
Yes, but my compromises are about which bedspread to buy or whose turn it is to do the laundry, Bernadette's or my mom's.
It's a great deal.
We both get our parents off our backs, I don't have to come home to an empty apartment every night.
Plus, once I'm married, I can finally eat carbs again and let myself go.
Why don't you tell your parents you want to try to find someone else? Maybe one who hasn't slept with more woman than you.
Because this one wants to marry me.
I might never find another one who does.
So you're seriously thinking about marrying someone you're never gonna have sex with? I can't believe your attitude.
I thought you were in favor of gay people getting married.
Yes, to other gay people! Do you hear how homophobic you sound? (sighs) Oh, I don't want a broken toy.
Nothing! What? Nothing.
I said nothing.
That was weird.
Really? I don't even notice anymore.
I cannot believe you guys aren't gonna play with these.
Well, I told you, you don't.
It's mint-in-box.
I don't know.
I just think it's a waste.
(squeals) Relax.
I'm just looking at the box.
Perhaps you should look with your eyes and not your muscular Nebraska man hands.
What is your problem?! My problem is that I don't want you to break Leonard's toy.
Which you probably did by shaking it! She shook it, we all saw her.
Leonard, I bought you this 'cause I wanted you to have fun with it.
I don't want it to sit in this box.
You know, you're right.
I mean, it's from you, I'm never gonna sell it.
- I'm opening it.
- Yes! (nervous yelp) - It's broken.
- What? Oh, nice job, man hands! I didn't break it.
I guess Stuart sold it to me like this.
Yes.
Yes, he did.
That is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explana Let's all be mad at Stuart! You know, I paid a lot for this.
Let's take it over there and show him.
Absolutely.
Wait! It was me.
I opened your toy discovered it was broken and didn't tell you.
Why would you open mine? I didn't.
That was a lie.
I opened my own toy and it was already broken, so I switched them.
You should talk to Stuart.
I can't, because that was a lie.
Yours was broken in an earthquake-- and that's a lie.
What is the truth? My Mr.
Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it.
And when the toy broke, I switched it for yours.
Later, he encouraged me to do the right thing, and I defied him.
And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
Okay, that I believe.
Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions towards the two of you.
That's a lie.
So, is that one mine? Yes.
Well, hand it over so I can open it.
Okay.
And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, I hope you have fun playing with it.
And that's a lie, right? It's a big, fat whopper.
I hope it breaks.
This is a treat.
What brings you guys by? Raj, Howie told me what's going on with you and Lakshmi.
You told her? I told everybody.
We believe there's someone out there who will love you for you.
Actually, we kind of agreed to disagree on that one, but we both think you shouldn't marry this woman.
So, while I'm waiting for this mysterious perfect match who may or may not exist, I'm supposed to just be alone? Not necessarily.
I think we found someone for you to cuddle with.
(gasps) Oh, my goodness.
Aren't you the cutest little Yorkie ever! You got him for me? Her.
We thought you two would hit it off.
I think we already have.
Thank you guys so much.
Let's go see if you fit in my man purse.
Metrosexual, my ass.