Big Bang Theory s09e03 Episode Script

The Bachelor Party Corrosion

Would you pass the mustard? Sure.
Hey, want to hear a fun fact about mustard? Is it that the glucosinolates which give mustard its flavor were evolved by the cabbage family as a chemical defense against caterpillars? Yeah.
Well, that was fun.
Good for you, Leonard.
Hey, there.
Hey, you're early.
The movie doesn't start for an hour.
Actually, we're not going to the movies.
We are here to kidnap you.
What are you talking about? Well, you eloped and we didn't get a chance to throw you a bachelor party, so there's a van downstairs and we're here to take you to a surprise location for the weekend.
Well, I'd hardly call this kidnapping.
Where's the blindfold? Where's the duct tape? Where's the part where you call me and demand ransom and I try to keep you on the phone, but you hang up seconds before I can trace it and then I say, "I'm getting too old for this crud"? When do we leave? Right now.
Yeah, Penny packed you a bag.
Wow, okay.
You're seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend? Oh, not just him; you're coming, too.
Oh, and how do you think you're going to get me to do that? Unhand me! This is ridiculous! I told you to put tape on his mouth! And I told you he bit me! Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! SHELDON: It's bad enough I'm being taken against my will.
I don't see why it has to be in some hippie's mobile sex dungeon.
Well, Sheldon, there's something about this van that you're going to find very interesting.
It runs on syphilis? This van was owned and driven by your personal physics hero Richard Feynman.
Yeah! A buddy of mine let me borrow it.
This was Feynman's van? That's so cool.
Yeah, nothing's been changed since he drove it.
I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.
Yeah, and talked about physics with them! (gasps) So, are you gonna give us a clue where we're headed? Uh, okay, let's see They've got spicy food and there's a chance you'll get diarrhea.
We can drive there.
Your house? We are going to Meh-he-co! Fun, I've never been there! Leonard, don't be fooled! I'm from Texas-- Meh-he-co is Spanish for Mexico.
What's wrong with Mexico? Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around 'cause there's a worm inside.
Okay, calm down.
There's a theme to this weekend.
We are going to Mexico in Feynman's van to stay at the vacation house Feynman bought with the money from his Nobel Prize.
Viva la Imodium! Ay-ay-ay! Come on, Leonard's doing bachelor stuff.
You sure we can't take you to a strip club? Nah, if I want to see a naked dancing man, I just flush the toilet while Leonard's in the shower.
(giggles) Hi.
I know we're not making a fuss, but in the spirit of bachelorette parties, I made cookies in the shape of male genitals.
You really didn't have to Whoa! That is anatomic.
Thank you.
The veins are gummy worms.
Oh, look, Jewish and gentile.
I had extra dough.
(phone chimes) Oh, that's Leonard.
He said they're about to cross the border.
I hope the boys don't get too crazy in Mexico.
Oh, yeah, right.
Lock up your daughters or Sheldon might lecture them about the North American Free Trade Agreement.
Boy, that was a long night for me.
According to this Mexican Customs Web site, visitors may not bring more than five laser discs, or 12 VHS tapes.
We don't have any of those.
How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van.
For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos.
If there was a hidden compartment, don't you think you'd be stuffed in it by now? Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations? You don't need a yellow fever shot to go to Mexico.
You can never be too careful.
I got one last year before I went to Epcot.
So, Penny, how's married life? Oh, it's good.
I just wish Leonard would work up the courage to tell Sheldon he's moving in here.
You guys still aren't living together? We are.
I mean, he sleeps here.
But it's only a matter of time before Sheldon has a bad dream and tries to climb into bed with the Leonard-shaped pile of pillows.
Speaking of Sheldon, how's single life treating you? Fine, I guess.
I've been focusing on me.
I was thinking about changing my wardrobe.
Yes! Good for you! But then I decided I don't want to go changing who I am just because of some man.
Good for you.
You know, it is normal to want to change your look after a breakup.
Actually, I was thinking of making one small change.
Your sweater? Your glasses? Your hair? Your shoes! Piercing my ears.
You really never had that done? My mom said pierced ears were for whores, pirates and genies.
Okay, well, you're a grown woman now.
I know, but Sheldon had this clause in the Relationship Agreement forbidding cosmetic surgery unless it's to look like a Klingon.
We'll take you to the mall to get it done.
Why? I can do it right here.
Really? You have a piercing gun? No.
All you need is a needle and an ice cube.
I've done it, like, a dozen times.
Oh, I don't know.
Oh, come on.
I'll be gentle.
Let me take your ear virginity.
This party's weird.
Hey, watch your speed.
I hear the Mexican police target tourists.
Oh, not a problem.
If anything goes down, we just put Koothrappali in the driver's seat and slap a sombrero on his head.
Dude, how many races can you offend in a single breath? I don't know.
Have you watched the Olympics with me? Sheldon, can you believe that we're driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It's like the Batmobile.
If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn't cool.
It is extraordinary.
Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us.
Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness.
I usually don't put too much stock in charms and talismans.
However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman's butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.
Hey, I have to return this van.
Keep your creative juices in your pants.
(bang and hiss) What was that? I think it's a tire.
What if it's banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?! It's the tire.
Leonard? What? I am getting too old for this crud.
Amy, I noticed your status still says "in a relationship" on Facebook.
You're right.
I should probably let all of my Facebook friends know.
Penny, I'm no longer in a relationship.
Did you change yours to "married" yet? Uh, no, not yet.
There's still a few people I haven't told personally.
Who? Oh, just my parents and my entire family.
(clears throat) What? Why? Well, I don't want to hurt my dad.
You know, he always wanted to dance with his daughter at her wedding.
What about your sister's wedding? They started to, then her water broke.
You know, if he finds out we eloped, it's gonna break his heart.
How long do you think you can keep it from him? Yeah, isn't it gonna get worse the longer you wait? Well, not necessarily.
You know, Dad's not getting any younger, so if I wait long enough, I'll just tell him he walked me down the aisle and it was magical.
When did you learn how to change a tire? Every self-respecting gentleman should know how in case he comes across a damsel in distress by the side of the road.
If I see one scorpion, I am getting on someone's shoulders and never coming down.
And there's your damsel.
Wow, this one's really stuck.
Are you turning it the right way? No.
I took the other four off and when I got to this one, I thought, "You know, I'm in a rut.
Let's shake things up.
" Here, let me try.
(grunting) You're right, it doesn't turn the other way.
There you go.
You're all done! That wasn't so bad.
(inhales delightedly) Nice.
Boy, if my mom could see me now, she'd lock me in the sin closet.
That's a joke, right? Actually, the joke was on her.
I could still see the TV through the slats.
I'm starting to see why you and your mom aren't very close.
Bet she'd still tell her if she got married.
You're not gonna let this go, are you? Well, it's kind of sad that they don't know.
I mean, they love Leonard.
Fine, you want me to call? I'll call.
(exhales) Why am I so nervous? It's understandable.
Amy was afraid to tell her mom she broke up with Sheldon.
Yeah? How did it go? Did she make you crawl into the breaking-up drawer? Uh, well, actually, to be honest I-I haven't told her yet.
You've been giving me a hard time and you haven't even told your mom about Sheldon? I'm feeling a little dizzy from all the blood loss.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm calling home, but when I'm done, you're calling your mother.
Easy for you to say.
You never had to watch 60 Minutes like this.
Hey, Daddy.
Hey, slugger.
How's my girl? Uh, good.
Is Mom around? Ah, she took your brother out to celebrate.
He just got his tenth one-month sober chip.
Yeah, she's gonna make him a little necklace.
Okay, I'll talk to her later.
Uh, Dad, there's something I need to tell you.
Leonard and I got married.
You did? When? Last week.
I'm sorry, I should've told you.
It was a spur of the moment thing.
I feel terrible.
Please don't be too disappointed.
Are you happy? Very.
Leonard is so great.
Well, then I'm happy for you.
Aw, thank you, Daddy.
That means so much.
Well, I understand it's hard to tell someone something if you think it's gonna upset 'em.
It is.
You're the best dad ever.
Uh, hold that thought.
I've been sitting on a little news myself.
Well, what is it? You know that rototiller I got for the tractor? No.
Oh, you should see it.
It is a beautiful piece of machinery.
Anyway, uh I backed over your pet pig with it.
Moondance? Yeah, he's, uh, not dancing anymore.
You killed my pig? I did not kill him.
The vet took care of that.
When? Oh ten, 12 months ago.
You didn't tell me for a year?! Well, apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? Love ya, slugger.
Gotta go! Okay, Amy, your turn.
(grunting) (breathing rhythmically) What are you doing? It's called Lamaze breathing.
It helps you push.
He's pushing with his uterus.
There's got to be a smarter way of removing it.
Yeah, this is nothing more than a physics problem.
Archimedes once said, "Give me a 'leever' long enough "and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.
" Of course.
All we need is to find stuff to make a "leever" big enough to fix this.
I'll bet there's something around here that could be a "lehver.
" Let's see, a "lehver," a "lehver" Everybody hold on! Let's take this problem one step at a time.
First, we need to decide whether we're calling it leever or lehver.
And the sooner we decide it's leever, the sooner we can roll up our sleeves-- not slehves-- and get to work.
We're gonna be here "foreever.
" Thanks a lot, guys.
What did we do? Before I made that call, my pig was alive and happy and rolling around in the mud.
Now he's illegally buried in our backyard next to my great-grandmother.
Really? They didn't eat him? No.
He was a beloved member of the family.
The breakfast meat family? It's not funny.
You're up.
Call your mother.
Oh, maybe later.
Your pig dying made me sad.
And a little hungry.
Phone, now.
Hi, Mom.
Try dialing.
You saw that, huh? Hi, Mom.
How are you doing? Oh, good.
How's work? That's nice.
I'm fine.
Hey, listen, I've been meaning to ask, how come Aunt Doe and Aunt Florence never got along? Okay, just give me that.
Amy broke up with Sheldon, she got her ears pierced and she made us eat penis cookies! Hang on.
She wants to talk to you.
I don't think the lever's working.
WOLOWITZ: What makes you say that? There's gotta be something else we could try.
If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.
No, it's too broad of a beam.
You'd need something more precise, like Superman's heat vision.
Ooh, the Green Lantern's ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.
If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk? Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.
LEONARD: Guys, excuse me, not that calling one of the Avengers isn't a perfectly reasonable choice, but we're scientists.
Don't you think we can figure this out using actual science? Yes, we could use science.
But it's your bachelor party.
Lighten up.
(slow, measured tapping) We will We will percussive shock you We will We will percussive shock you (falsetto): Buddy you're a boy Make a big noise Playin' in the street Gonna be a big man someday You got mud on your face, you big disgrace Kickin' your can all over the place.
I have an eidetic memory.
Sometimes it's a curse.
(match strikes) I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source.
They're basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat.
Let's hope the lug nut expands.
What if that burning food attracts animals? We have plenty of food for the animals.
We do? WOLOWITZ: Yep.
A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt.
That's not very nice.
It's a bachelor party.
Lighten up.
(electric crackling) What is that awful smell? It's burning salsa.
I'm hoping the acidity and salinity combined with electricity will corrode the lug nut off.
What an innovative solution.
Perhaps I don't give your MIT education enough credit.
Yeah, I saw it on Mythbusters.
(metal scraping metal) All right, this rust, combined with the aluminum recovered from the van, is now thermite.
Couple pinches ought to do the trick.
Is that enough to melt the lug nut? Well, let's start small.
We can always add more.
You put up a good fight, lug nut, but you've met your match.
Hey, look! The lug nut's off.
What What are you doing back? We got a flat and couldn't get the tire off.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
If it makes you feel any better, I pierced Amy's ears and her mom made her sit in my closet.
We blew up Feynman's van.
My dad killed my pig with his tractor.
I spent the night in Mexico with Sheldon.
You win.

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