Big Bang Theory s11e05 Episode Script

The Collaboration Contamination

1 Thanks for letting me put Halley in your room.
Yeah, no problem.
Oh, and, Penny, she kinda threw up on your stuffed bear.
Oh, that's okay.
Hey.
Tha-That's an Ewok and it's mine.
Yeah, which is why it's okay.
See, he gets Ewoks in his bed.
You've got Chewbacca; that's enough.
KOOTHRAPPALI: I used to have the stuffed raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy, but Cinnamon licked it raw.
There's a time and place for your randy dog stories, and it's never and nowhere.
Yeah, no more stories about sex, so, Amy, that brings us to you.
Well, at work we've been doing some interesting research with neuroprosthetics.
PENNY: Neat.
I've been rewatching The O.
C.
, so we're all leading productive lives.
We've been working on a computer interface that can use brain wave patterns to control robotic limbs, but we're having a little trouble localizing the signal from the EEG cap.
Oh, well, have you thought about adding a phased array of sensors for better localization? Actually, that never occurred to me.
It never occurred to me I would miss the Ewok conversation.
Good, 'cause I just bought another one on Amazon.
You know, I could use an engineer on this project.
Well, now, this works out great.
Howard's an engineer.
I'm sure he knows someone qualified.
She was talking about me, Sheldon.
I'm perfectly qualified.
Yeah, Howie's the world's best engineer.
It says so right on his coffee mug.
Aw, you got him a mug? I did.
But it's not a competition.
Yeah, I lost that battle years ago.
So, Howard, are you interested? Are you kidding? If I could control robot arms with my brain, I'd be able to do so many things.
Really? Because you've been controlling human arms with your brain for years and not much has come of it.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! The Big Bang Theory 11x05 The Collaboration Contamination Original Hey, what you reading? A parenting book.
Oh, my God.
Are-are we? Wha No! You think this is how I would tell you? Well (stammers) You're sitting there with a book.
It felt like anything was possible.
Bernadette left it here.
Yeah? Anything interesting? Well, I just saw a picture of a baby's head crowning, so I hope you enjoyed sex, because we're done with that.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hey, Sheldon, what's up? Well, remember how disappointed you were when Amy started driving me to work? Sure, uh Sometimes people smile a big smile of disappointment.
Yeah, well, good news, Amy had to go in early to show Howard around her lab, so you get to drive me.
Aw, his smile of disappointment has turned into a frown of joy.
It's fine, I've been driving him for years.
What's one more day? Oh, and I've got a new car game we can play.
It's called “what siren am I?” Kill me.
Amy, your lab is amazing.
A C-arm fluoroscope, a cranial ultrasound (gasps) And look at that coffee maker.
I know.
On our expense report, I listed it as “Eduardo,” my Colombian lab assistant.
So this is it? Yes.
We are using it to map brain wave patterns and then converting them into electrical impulses that can be used to control anything from wheelchairs to robots.
Based on that ring on your finger, I'd say you're pretty good at controlling robots.
Careful, that's my fiancé you're talking about, and I can program him to hurt you.
(imitates melodic siren wailing) I don't know.
Uh French police? Oh.
So close.
Belgian ambulance.
All right, you ready for your next one? Just a warning, this one's a little annoying.
(imitates high-pitched siren) Let's take a little little break, I'm getting a headache.
Aw, right in the middle of our fun game.
Yeah, weird.
So Howard and Amy working together-- that's interesting, huh? Eh.
It's all right, I suppose.
Uh, when-- usually when Amy complains about her coworkers, I just tune her out, but now I'll be able to join in and pound away.
You're not jealous of Howard, are you? Of course not.
The only engineer I'm jealous of is the one who blows the train whistle.
Ooh, that just gave me an idea for a new game, “what whistle am I?” Train.
For your information, it was going to be tea kettle, but the tea kettle was on a train, so I'll give it to you.
If we add phase detection to your EEG sensors, I'll have to rewrite most of the code.
Can you do that? Well, these hands were made to do three things: close-up magic, writing code, and the dirty shadow puppet show that got me kicked out of Hebrew school.
Hello.
Hi.
What a nice surprise.
Well, I just came by to see how you two were getting along.
(laughs) Well, everything's going really great.
Oh, that's nice to hear.
I was hoping you two would enjoy working together.
What's with the blinking? (quietly): It's Morse code.
So we can talk about without hurting 's feelings.
Sheldon, I don't know Morse code.
I do.
And if you have something to say, you can say it to my face.
Oh.
All right.
I'm a little rusty.
Could you say that again? She's going to be home at “eight-ish.
” Like, when is that? 8:01? 8:02? And what kind of scientist uses “-ish”? I'll give it a go.
My ride home with you was hellish.
Sheldon, honey, if you want to join us for dinner, you're more than welcome.
No, thank you.
I don't think I'd be very good company tonight.
Well, then out you go.
Okay, what is going on? Well, ever since Amy started working with Howard, she hasn't been home.
Didn't that just start this morning? And has she been home? You know, that would frustrate me.
Does it frustrate you? I-It does.
I get that.
You know, it's okay to feel frustrated when things aren't going your way.
I suppose.
Ah, maybe it's not that big a deal.
PENNY: No, no, no, your feelings are valid.
Now, why don't you go wash up, and we'll call you when dinner's ready.
Okay.
(door closes) What did you do-- Are you a witch? No, I've been reading Bernadette's parenting book.
It's like the answer key to the Sheldon test.
That's amazing.
I know.
But, you know, it's only birth to five.
What do we do when he turns six? Take him to the zoo and leave him there.
Hey, Bernadette.
Oh, hey, Raj.
Howard's not here.
Oh, I know, he's been in the lab every night this week with his work wife.
That's weird, I thought his work wife was standing in my kitchen.
Don't be snippy.
I came to see how you were doing.
Like, uh, do you need help with anything? Oh, thank you.
There are a few things around the house that I've been waiting for Howard to get to.
The smoke alarms No, I meant emotionally.
How are you feeling? Like you're not really here to help me.
Well, still snippy.
Everything's fine.
Howard's really excited about his work, he's been in a great mood I'm really proud of him.
And I can fit into the pants I wore in high school.
Come on, we don't need to lie to each other.
You're right.
I have a teething baby, I'm pregnant, I have a proposal due tomorrow.
I don't have time to hear about how much you're missing my husband.
Well, I think I know why he's been working so late.
Hi.
Welcome home.
How was work? Great.
Howard had an idea for That's enough about work.
Aw, you just got here.
You need to sit down and let me pamper you.
(laughs): Oh.
Well, that sounds nice.
I got you a little something to help you relax.
Sheldon, that is the sweetest, most What what is this? The notes from our quantum cognition project.
I thought we could spend the evening grinding away on it.
(sighs) I just got home, I'm tired.
Of Howard, I know.
So how about you and me make some beautiful science together? Sheldon, I want to work on this with you, just not tonight.
What if we get up early and do it in the morning? I promise, I'll be way more into it.
You know what? There was a time that you would've been happy to stay up and collaborate all night with me.
And then wake up in the morning and do it some more.
(sighs) Fine, but can we make it quick? No.
If you're just gonna make me do all the work, then go to bed.
But don't be surprised if you walk out here and catch me doing it myself.
Ahh, Sheldon's texting me to drive him to Bernadette's.
Well, what are you gonna say? Well, they did just introduce the middle finger emoji.
If it's not for this, I don't know what it's for.
No, no, no.
He'll just think that means “Be there in a minute.
” Uh Maybe there's something in the book that will help.
Worth a shot.
Okay.
Let's see, let's see.
“Biting other children”? Well, sometimes, but problem for another day.
Okay, wait, wait.
Here we go.
“Let him have ownership of his choices.
Allow him to choose from options that are acceptable to you.
” All right, I'll give it a try.
“I can drive you in two hours or you can take an Uber”" Good.
See, now he feels like he has a choice.
Huh.
(phone chimes) He's gonna take an Uber.
Wow, it worked.
Unless he bites the driver, yeah.
And now they're working on a Saturday? Can you believe them? Like, is this how you envisioned your weekend? No, it is not.
This whole thing is maddening.
I'm really busy.
I don't have time to listen to you complain.
Hey.
You're complaining, too.
“Sheldon, why are you here?” “Sheldon, the applesauce is for the baby.
” What do you want? I just wish I could make Howard feel as angry as I'm feeling.
Well, maybe you could do something he likes and make him jealous.
Like what? Have you ever read Tom Sawyer? No.
Chores.
He likes chores.
Ooh.
What kind of chores? Well, you could change the batteries in the smoke detectors.
That would drive him crazy.
That's great.
Oh, he'll be so mad smoke will be coming out of his ears.
And then the smoke detectors will detect it.
Wait, wait, now, hold on.
Why'd you ask me about Tom Sawyer? I'm just interested in you.
Well, you are sweeter than your applesauce.
Okay, I'm gonna extend the wait time and have it poll the A-to-D converter at the top of the loop instead of the bottom.
Oh.
That's impressive.
You think that's impressive, take apart that brain model.
(gasps) Oh my God-- three of clubs.
That was my card! How did you? I used to make it appear in my pants, but HR said I had to stop doing that.
So, how much longer till we can test it? Well, it needs to compile, so it's gonna be a few minutes.
Sounds like we've earned ourselves a break.
You want to hear some Neil Sedaka? You know, that's your greatest magic trick, 'cause you just read my mind.
I love, I love, I love my calendar girl Yeah, sweet calendar girl I love, I love, I love my calendar girl Each and every day of the year January You start the year all fine Well, well, well.
- Hi.
- Hey.
You say you're busy as bees, yet here you are, dancing.
Although I suppose bees do dance, but their dance lets other bees know where the pollen is, and yours does not.
So my logic, despite that slight detour, does track.
We're just waiting for my code to compile.
What are you doing here? I stopped by to see if you wanted to go to the movies with me.
Well, I-I'd love to, but we're just about to test the interface.
It could take a while.
Okay, buddy, it-- it's not my place, but Bernadette's been feeling a little abandoned with all the hours that you've been putting in.
You just asked him to go to the movies.
Yeah, but our weird relationship was grandfathered into their marriage, and yours was not.
Okay, I put new batteries in the smoke detectors.
Did you do the laundry? I sure did.
Ooh.
He's gonna be steamed.
Just like his dress shirts.
At least he can still clean the oven, so that's something.
Oh, that's what he thinks.
Where's your steel wool? Right here.
We make quite the team.
Sure do.
Guys, you won't believe this.
I stopped by the university to check in on Howard and Amy, and they were having fun.
Well, don't worry.
He won't be having any fun when he gets home.
I did all his favorite chores.
What are you talking about? Howard hates doing chores.
Wait, then why would Bernadette tell me that (gasps) Bernadette.
Did you play on my well established gullibility to clean your house? Sure did.
Well, I would storm out of here, but I already have the gloves and the steel wool, and I really do love cleaning an oven.
Move.
She made me do all her chores, and it wasn't even her idea-- she stole it from Tom Sawyer.
You know what? This is crazy.
Howard and Amy are working together-- get over it.
Leonard, what are you doing? “Knowing when to say when.
” This is not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
Howard's getting Amy used to laughing and listening to music.
What if she expects that madness at home? Yeah, that is a good point.
I'm really proud of the way you're able to express your feelings.
SHELDON: Thank you.
I'm just so angry.
You know, everyone gets angry.
Even mommies and daddies.
You can't think this is the right time to “validate his behavior.
” Okay, what about “presenting a united front”? What about you coddling him and he's never gonna learn? Look.
You sound frustrated, and I'm really proud of the way you're able to state your opinion.
Thank you.
Wait, no, no.
Don't use that book on me.
SHELDON: W-Wait, what book? (groans) Penny's been using one of Bernadette's parenting books on you.
What? So has he.
Wh-What makes you think you can treat me like a child? Your shampoo comes in a Big Bird bottle.
That's because the adult shampoo burns my man eyes.
Hey, what are you working on? Oh, my God, you're still here? Well, of course I'm here.
I know what you're going through.
Really? You have a needy Indian man in your house? I did, but then he came over here.
So is this how it's gonna be if we have kids? You're just gonna throw me under the bus? If you spoil them the way you do Sheldon, then, yeah.
Uh, my way was working.
Okay? I think you're just upset because there are some things I am better than you at.
Well, you can't end a sentence with a preposition, so clearly, not grammar.
If you're so smart, was that a smart thing to say? That depends.
Before I said it, was sex tonight still on the table? No.
Then it's fine.
You know, once we get this operational, we could probably figure out how to make it wireless.
That'd be amazing.
(phone chimes) Oh, that's Sheldon.
Oh, he's upset with Leonard and Penny.
(phone whooshes) And Bernadette.
(phone whooshes) And Mark Twain.
Yeah, Bernadette texted earlier.
Raj is really getting on her nerves.
Well, I guess we have been working late a lot.
(sighs) Should we call it a night and go home? Or we could brew a pot of coffee and power through.
I don't know, it's getting kind of late.
Hey, where's my watch? Why don't you ask your skeleton? (Amy gasps) Oh, my God.
How is that even possible?! This is great, the two of us hanging out.
Why didn't we think of this earlier? Agreed.
I don't need Amy to watch a movie.
I can not hold your hand just as easily.
(music begins playing over TV) In the book this is based on, that man's the killer.