Big Bang Theory s12e08 Episode Script

The Consummation Deviation

1 Hey, you guys have any plans for Valentine's Day? Three months from now? No.
- What? No? - I mean, secret romantic plans that would be ruined if I told you.
Oh.
What's going on, Raj? Well, how would you guys feel about going to India for my wedding? Oh, that's so exciting! Penny, you will never guess what I have planned for Valentine's Day.
- Uh-huh.
Can I feed peanuts to the elephants at your wedding? - That is such a stereotype! - There won't be any elephants? Of course there'll be elephants.
It's a stereotype that you feed them peanuts.
Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months? Yeah, well, her family's doing most of the work.
They're amazing.
We talk all the time.
Why? Because we're about to get married and they're gonna be my family.
Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.
Really? My parents love Leonard.
Yeah.
And my mom loves Penny, which is weird, because I never knew she could love.
And my dad has grown to really like Howard.
Yeah, there's a nice coolness between us.
Hey, guys, before Anu gets here, can I talk about the seating situation? I really don't want her to sit on the floor.
Oh.
No problem.
Bernadette, floor.
- Hey! - Yeah, you can't make my wife sit on the floor.
- Fine.
Howard, floor.
Fine, I'll sit on the floor.
Thank you, Penny.
And, Leonard, I was kind of hoping I could sit next to Anu.
So now I have to sit on the floor? It's my house.
Why can't Sheldon sit on the floor? That might be the dumbest thing you've ever said.
WOLOWITZ: Guys, guys, there's a simple solution.
I am not breaking up with her.
All right.
Let's keep thinking.
Hey, everybody, it's Anu.
Hi.
ALL: Hi! Welcome! The Big Bang Theory 12x08 The Consummation Deviation Original Air D Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! (groans): Oh, I am stuffed! I should not have eaten all those dumplings.
(chuckles) I think we should have sex.
(passing horn honks) (squeakily): Me, too.
Yeah, it's just, we haven't done it yet, and I think it's important to make sure we're compatible before we get married.
I totally agree.
Oh, just one question.
While we're doing it, can I leave my shirt on? You know, the dumplings, pretty salty.
It doesn't have to be tonight.
How about this weekend? I can get us a room at my hotel.
Okay.
Sounds nice.
We can order a bunch of room service, because I'm not eating anything between now and then.
Aw.
Are you worried? I am not worried.
If anything, I'm overconfident.
Edging into smug.
I'm sure it's gonna be fine.
Oh, it's gonna be better than fine.
Trust me, I've had no complaints.
Good to know.
Well, I've had questions, comments, some constructive criticism, (snorts): but no complaints.
You're up early.
Huh? Yes.
I wanted to get a jump on planning a day of fun for you.
Oh, that's sweet.
What are we doing? Oh, no.
Just you.
I have other plans.
Now, would you prefer to see The Grinch in 2-D or 3-D? I don't want to see it at all.
Well, let's go 2-D.
No sense in spending extra money.
What are you gonna be doing? Being a great husband.
Yeah, you're gonna need to show your work on that.
After last night, I got to thinking that I should have a better relationship with your family.
I think the one you have with them is perfect.
I hardly have one at all.
Which is perfect.
Oh, Amy, they're important to you, and you're important to me.
Therefore, according to the transitive property, they're important to me.
It's the same reason I'm interested in your big, flat feet.
Well, you know that my mom can be well, difficult to get along with.
- Which is why I'm starting with your dad and working my way up.
All right.
I'm just worried you might have a rather unpleasant day.
Yeah, back at ya.
I watched the trailer for The Grinch-- it looks terrible.
(knocking) - Hi, Sheldon.
- Oh, good.
You're right on time.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, pumpkin.
Pumpkin? I've been calling her spaghetti squash.
It's amazing that one woman can be different vegetables to different men.
Bye.
Bye.
So, how does this work with in-laws? Am I supposed to be calling you Dad? Because I don't want to.
- You don't have to.
- Oh, thanks, Larry.
Ooh.
That doesn't sound right.
(gasps) Maybe I should pick a vegetable for you.
(video game noises on TV) Hey, Leonard, can you pause the game for a second? - Uh, hang on.
- I'm about to beat Howard.
What? Hey! What? He's our friend.
What's up, pal? I I don't know how else to say this, but, um, Anu and I are going to have sex tonight.
Yeah Do you know how creepy that sounds? Yeah So, is this the first time? Yeah.
- How you feeling about it? - Uh to be honest, I'm pretty anxious.
I mean, this is the woman I'm marrying-- what if it's no good? Do we break up? Do we sign on for a lifetime of mediocre sex? Just don't put so much pressure on it.
It's always a little awkward in the beginning.
I remember the first time I slept with Penny.
It was bad? Oh, it was awesome! I will replay it in my head until the day I die.
WOLOWITZ: Well, if it helps, I was really nervous my first time with Bernie.
Mostly because I was worried my mom would walk in.
Did she? Yea-- Yeah.
BERNADETTE: I'll tell you one thing.
Lock the door.
Yeah, Raj, you're gonna be fine.
Just break out some of your Kama Sutra moves.
I don't really know any of that stuff.
I just pretend I do to impress women.
And by the way, Anu is Indian-- she's gonna know there's no sexual position called a "screeching lotus.
" Screeching lotus? Sometimes I get leg cramps.
It's my cover story.
Look, she's probably nervous, too.
Yeah, what if you're great and she's bad? How can she be bad? Raj, women can be bad at sex, too.
(laughs): No, that's silly.
Hey, have you checked the dates on these? They're all expired.
You buy candy in a comic book store, you get what you get.
It's called Lethal Weapon, but isn't that redundant? Aren't weapons, by their very nature, lethal? I suppose you're right.
Yeah, and don't even get me started on Unsolved Mysteries.
I didn't get you started on Lethal Weapon.
All right, this is another one of my favorite places, the comic book store.
Feel free to look around.
Vintage comics in back, vintage candy right here.
What are you guys up to? Oh, father-in-law, son-in-law bonding.
It's going great.
Look at what he bought me at the train store.
(blows whistle) Yeah, it sounded louder in the car.
Cool.
Can I see it? Hmm? Sure.
Oh.
Interesting.
I think this is one of those disappearing whistles.
What are you talking about? (claps hands) Voilà! Amazing.
Where did it go? Look in your pocket.
(gasping): Oh! Oh! Oh, how did you do that? Sorry, a magician never shares his secrets.
I'll give you a hundred bucks.
Sold! Okay.
Hey.
- Where's my wallet? - Voilà! Hey, Penny.
I need your help.
I am freaking out.
Okay, is she there yet? No, I got here first.
You know get the lay of the land.
Raj, it's gonna be okay.
Look, sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship.
My first time with Leonard was nothing to write home about.
Really? Yeah, but, you know, over time it got better.
S-So practice makes perfect? Well, practice makes better.
(phone chimes) Oh, my God, oh, my God, she just texted.
She's on her way up! Raj, calm down.
You got this.
Yes.
Thank you, thank you.
I got this.
Just remember, the most important thing is to have fun.
Stop putting so much pressure on me! Hi.
Everything okay? Why are you acting so weird? Raj? What's going on? (champagne cork pops) Be right out! You look beautiful! Sorry, I had to use the facilities.
With a bottle of champagne? Mm, I like to celebrate the little things in life.
You need to go? There's still some left.
Raj, what is going on? No, no, it's not what's going on, it's what's comin' off.
Stop it.
You're acting weird, and it's freaking me out.
Why? Because I couldn't talk and ran in the bathroom to slug back a bottle of champagne when I pretended to pee? Okay, I think I'm gonna leave.
No, no, wait, wait, don't-- okay, don't go.
Fine.
Then tell me what's going on.
Well, funny story The truth.
Oh, God, the truth is so not good for me! Voilà.
Darn it.
It's okay.
Here, let me show you again.
It's like you're actually magic.
You can do that but you still can't get my bra off.
The rings don't roll their eyes at me.
Excuse me, Turnip, we need to get going.
But-but Howard was gonna show me some close-up magic.
Well, if you want to see real magic, I'll take you to Union Station, home to trains, subways and busses that, every half hour-- voilà-- drive to the airport.
I'd like to stay, if you don't mind.
Oh, not at all.
Howard.
A word.
What's up? - I need you to stop being so delightful.
- What? I'm supposed to be bonding with him.
You have your own father-in-law; leave mine alone.
Tell you what, you take my father-in-law, I'll take yours.
I don't want your father-in-law.
What if I throw in a quarter? Do it again.
Do it again.
Mrs.
Fowler.
Mrs.
Fowler.
Mrs.
Fowler.
Sheldon, what's going on? Where is Larry? Oh, Turnip's out; I'm bonding with you.
Okay, you wanted the truth, here it is.
You have a drinking problem.
No.
I, uh, I have a talking problem, and a drinking solution.
What does that mean? (sighs) Oh, Anu, for most of my life, I got so nervous around women that I couldn't talk to them without alcohol.
So you've been drunk every time we've seen each other? No.
No.
It hasn't happened in a long time.
And I really thought I was over it, but I guess I-I don't know, I guess I-I wanted so much for tonight to go well, that I-I stressed myself out.
It came back.
(sighs) Why didn't you tell me about this before? I was embarrassed.
I get that.
If it makes you feel any better, I've got things I'm embarrassed about, too.
Really? Will you tell me one? Okay.
Um Ugh.
I hate telling people this.
I don't like music.
What kind of music? Just all of it.
It sort of seems like a waste of time.
Even Beyoncé? See, this is why I don't tell people.
No.
Um, it's fine.
It's just, have you heard "Single Ladies"? Yeah, and I don't get it.
I mean, the lyrics are "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
" Y-You have to sing it in the voice of a goddess.
Like: Oh, wa-ah, oh Wa-ah, oh Oh, oh, oh Wa-ah, oh.
(laughs) My point is, we both have our little eccentricities.
Little eccentricities? One is a deep-seated psychological disturbance, and the other can be solved by half a glass of chardonnay.
So the doctor prescribed Nizoral and it blocked enzyme action, and the fungus cleared right up.
That's a very disturbing picture.
Yes, well, they say a picture's worth a thousand words, but I say nothing beats a picture and a thousand words.
Still, you might want to take it off Facebook.
Oh, no.
It's in my nature to share.
So, your turn.
Uh, other than Amy, have you every had anything removed from your body? I am not going to answer that.
Smart.
Save something for our next get-together.
Oh, we should commemorate this one with a selfie.
Oh, look at us, two peas in a pod.
Oh, speaking of vegetables, how about I start calling you Old Lady Green Beans? Hey, you look deep in thought.
- Ah, I'm just reflecting.
- About what? The first time we slept together.
Oh, honey.
Don't beat yourself up; it's great now.
This is not good.
Sheldon is hanging out with my mom.
Yeah.
O-One sec.
W-What do you mean, "don't beat myself up"? AMY: Guys, focus.
My mom thinks that Sheldon is the reason I don't spend a lot of time with her.
Well, why would she think that? Because I told her.
You need a cup of coffee? Wake up! So you've been using Sheldon as an excuse to get out of seeing your mother? (sighs) I know.
I feel terrible.
I love my mom but, you know, sometimes Yeah.
We-We've met her.
Yeah.
And it's easier to say I can't spend time with her because of Sheldon than to admit that I just, I don't want to.
Totally understandable.
I'll ask again, what do you mean, "don't beat myself up"? And then you ask me 20 questions to try to determine which Nobel Prize-winning physicist I am.
Ready? Go.
Can I give up? No.
19 questions left.
(ringtone playing) Are you gonna get that? Oh, no.
We're in the middle of a game.
18 questions left.
Answer the phone, Sheldon.
Hello, Amy.
Hey, how's it going? Well, Howard lured your dad away with magic, so now I'm bonding with your mom.
I think she likes me.
I'd like you a lot better if you weren't keeping my daughter away from me.
Uh, wh-- Hang on, Amy.
What's the problem, Green Beans? Amy said she couldn't come to Thanksgiving dinner because you always have to spend it with your mother.
I haven't spent Thanksgiving with my mother in years.
Amy, why would you tell your mother that I spend Thanksgiving with my mother? Uh, no time to talk about that now.
All your action figures are on fire.
Harrison Ford's in the lobby.
Come quick.
And Amy never joins us for Sunday dinners because you refuse to go out on a school night.
Sh-- I can go out on a school night as long as I'm in my PJs by 10:00.
Sheldon, don't listen to her.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
She's crazy! Hello, Amy.
Hello, Mother.
Great news.
We-we can come for Thanksgiving this year.
I can't believe it.
All this time I've been angry at you when I should have been angry at Amy.
Look at that.
We're both angry at Amy.
Maybe that's something we could bond over.
Let me ask you this: how do you feel about Howard? Oh, is he that odd little friend you have with the haircut? I may have married the wrong Fowler.
Why would Amy feel the need to lie to me? Well, perhaps because you're her mother and she didn't want to disappoint you.
Really? Even after she threw you under the bus, you're still gonna defend her.
Oh, yes.
She's my wife and I love her.
And if I can forgive her for putting ketchup on her eggs, I can forgive her for this.
Her father does that, it's disgusting.
Amy's crazy, you are a delight.
Good morning.
Mm.
Good morning.
I ordered some coffee for us.
Oh, fantastic.
(sighs) Last night was wonderful.
(sighs) But all we did was talk.
Yeah.
And it was wonderful.
Am I safe to assume you talking to me now is a good sign for our marriage? (chuckles) Yeah, and-and for my liver.
Hey, about the other thing.
Um Should we just wait for another night? Or I go take a shower, and you decide how you want to play this.
Take a shower with me, Raj.
Thank you, Amy.
It's so nice of you to have us over for dinner.
(chuckles) Couldn't think of a single reason not to.
Yeah, and boy, did she try.
Thank you, honey.
Oh, you're welcome, dear.
Would anyone like to see the magic trick Howard taught me? I'd love to see your trick, Daddy.
A perfectly ordinary table knife.
(exhales) Watch closely.
Voilà.
Oh, my gosh, that was so good.
Well, look, there's fake blood, too.
I'll be right back.
I don't know about you, but I don't really like magic.
You just keep getting better and better.