Big Bang Theory s12e15 Episode Script

The Donation Oscillation

1 Previously on The Big Bang Theory Uh, we sort of have another reason for asking you here.
We want to have a baby, but we can't do it on our own.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah, this has been such a nice evening.
Let's all just stop before anyone says any more things.
Leonard, would you be the father of our baby? Oh, you said a thing.
Thank you, guys, again for agreeing to do this.
Yeah, it means so much to us.
Ah, we're happy we can help.
Yeah, and we don't find it weird at all.
It's a little weird for us, too.
I mean, instead of our baby looking like Zack, it's gonna look like Leonard.
Or Penny if it's a girl.
No, no, it's not gonna look Sure.
But I promise, we're gonna be really good parents.
Oh, we know you will.
- So, what is the next step? - Yeah.
Well, Leonard, we were hoping you'd go in on Monday.
And they say, for the best results, between now and then, you shouldn't have sex.
ZACK: Sorry, bro, I know it seems impossible to go for five days without, but I believe in you.
Five days? My record is 24 years.
Uh, I think that also means no flying solo.
Then my record is 14 years.
And, well, we're really hoping for a son.
So just, like, keep that in mind when you're in there.
Yeah, just think, "Little boys, little boys.
" Still just totally not weird.
Oh, hey, Sheldon.
We're kind of in the middle of something.
Oh, I won't be a moment.
I just need to grab a book off a high shelf, which I can do because I am both tall and smart.
Sheldon, come home! They don't want to have your baby! I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh-oh, dear, I think I got something in my eye.
My piercing, blue eye.
- Sheldon! - Fine.
I've also never had a cavity and I don't have asthma The Big Bang Theory 12x15 The Donation Oscillation Original Air Dat Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! (sighs) So, this week would have been my wedding if Anu and I hadn't decided to slow things down.
Oh, yeah, I would have forgotten, except for those nonrefundable airline tickets to India I bought.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
What's $3,000 between friends? Yeah, I probably would've just thrown it away on health care for my children.
Uh, if you still want to go, you can go to India and help my dad eat all the nonrefundable sushi.
Indian sushi? I need a change of underwear just thinking about that.
I really think we made the right decision.
Agreed, although I did have a pretty awesome bachelor party planned for this weekend.
Really? What was it? Well, I used my NASA connections to get us four seats on that plane that lets you experience weightlessness.
The Vomit Comet.
That is so cool.
I've always wanted to experience weightlessness.
The closest I ever came was that time I accidentally set my scale to kilograms.
I know, it would've been fun, but, hey, the next time you decide to marry a woman you barely know.
We could still go.
You know, make it a guys' weekend.
(chuckles) All right, let's do it.
It'll be like the good old days.
You mean when we were all sad, desperate and horribly alone? I remember it more fondly.
Leonard, if you had food on your face, would you want me to tell you? Where? Did I get it? Oh, no, not now; it was last week.
I didn't know whether or not to tell you, but everyone was staring.
For the record, it was right there.
And it was Nutella.
You looked like a hazelnut Hitler.
Hey, who wants to hear some exciting news? Oh, what's up? This weekend, I got us four seats on the Vomit Comet.
Oh, you lost me at "vomit," you lost me again at "comet," and to be honest, I was on the fence at "us.
" Yeah, I can't go either.
Penny's dad is visiting from Nebraska, and I haven't seen him for a while.
Oh, that's nice you guys get along.
I forget, Howard, does your father-in-law still hate you? WOLOWITZ: He doesn't hate me.
He's just disappointed that I'm not any other man on the planet.
That's how I feel about Ben Affleck as Batman.
Well, these two are out.
There goes our guys' weekend.
Okay, so let's make it a couples' weekend.
I'll bring Anu, you bring Bernadette.
I'm not sure Bernie would like it.
Maybe I'll invite Stuart or Bert.
SHELDON: Oh, go with Bert! He's huge.
It'd be fun to watch him float around.
Like that time the Underdog balloon got away at the Macy's Parade.
What are those? Oh, vitamins.
Zack wants me to take them to increase my virility.
Zack used the word "virility"? He may have said "wiener power.
" (knock on door) Okay, that's my dad.
Now, remember, do not bring up any baby stuff, all right? Not me not wanting one, not you having one with Zack.
Got it.
And if he brings it up, change the subject to literally anything else.
- I got it.
But not the Cornhuskers.
Do not discuss the Cornhuskers.
Is that a sports team? Never mind, you're good.
- Daddy! Hi.
- Hey, Slugger.
(chuckles) Aw.
- Hey, Wyatt.
- Leonard.
Hey, that's a hell of a handshake.
Ah, well, you know, I've been taking vitamins.
Dad, uh, come on in, sit down.
Can I get you something to drink? Maybe a beer? Sure, if you're having one.
And why wouldn't you, since you're not pregnant? Um Leonard wants to have a baby with my ex-boyfriend Zack.
How 'bout those Cornhuskers? Hey, would you mind if Raj and I went away this weekend? Well, it is important for you two to keep the spark alive.
No, just the bachelor party I had planned.
I thought we'd do it anyway.
Oh, so a guys' weekend? Kinda.
I mean, Sheldon and Leonard couldn't make it, so Raj invited Anu and I asked Stuart.
Wait, you invited Stuart before me? Actually, I invited Bert before Stuart, but I don't know why I just told you that.
Why didn't you invite me? Because (chuckles) I know you.
You don't want to float weightless in an airplane.
What are you talking about? I love doing crazy stuff like that.
Bernie, you got sick from the teacup ride at Disneyland.
Lots of people do.
We were still in line.
So you don't want me to go? No, I want you to go if you're gonna have fun.
I don't want you to go if you're gonna be miserable and ruin it for everyone.
Which is a long way of saying I want you to go! (quietly): I think this is going pretty good, huh? Maybe for you.
You threw me under the bus.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I panicked.
He was judging me.
Well, yeah, now he's judging me.
I know.
It worked.
You two might want to talk louder or quieter.
In high school, he could hear me open a can of beer in my closet under a blanket.
So let me get this straight, Leonard.
She doesn't want to have your baby, but her dumbbell ex-boyfriend does.
Well, I-- no, I wouldn't say it like that.
How would you say it? (sighs) Uh, same words, just less angry.
Well, I don't know about Los Angeles, but in Nebraska, that's kind of strange.
It's strange here, too, and we have a bakery for dogs.
And you're okay with this? - I support my husband.
- Thank you.
But, you know, if you think differently, you should feel free to say so.
You know, just like, "Ah!" Make a scene.
Okay, look, they can't have kids of their own, and they like that I'm smart, and they want that for their child.
No, I get it.
You do? Sure.
Back on the farm, we had a prize stallion.
We didn't let that just go to waste; we put him out to stud.
No, no, this is this is a little different than that No, no, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Uh, you were comparing me to a prize stud.
Go on.
You have fun with your new best buddy? Hey, it's your fault your dad likes me.
You dated idiots your whole life.
Well, he was right about one thing.
I am married to a stud.
(chuckles) Mm.
Really? Yeah, I felt so bad about selling you out, I thought I would maybe make it up to you.
(both chuckle) (moans) (stammers) Wait, wait.
I can't.
I mean, I want to, but I'm not supposed to for the next three days.
That's right.
I forgot.
(groans) All right, well, guess I'll just read a little and then-- I don't know-- go to sleep.
Really? That's what you're sleeping in? Oh, you want me to take it off? No.
All right.
Well, then pipe down and let me read my comic book.
Penny, I-I know what you're doing.
Just please stop.
Ooh, listen to this.
Take that, Batman.
" Thanks again for doing this, guys.
- Of course.
- So excited.
I'm glad you came.
Howard made it sound like this wasn't your kind of thing.
He did say that, but here I am.
So what does he know? I'm sorry.
I just (scoffs) didn't think you'd enjoy plummeting to the Earth at 400 miles an hour.
I love going fast, unlike Grandma here, poking along at 70 miles an hour.
Am I right? I've always wanted to do this.
I'm an adrenaline junkie.
Roller coasters, snowboarding, dating men who bathe with their dogs.
It was during a drought.
I'm a thrill-seeker, too.
I've had to pull back since I became a mom, but I'll still jump on the back of a grocery cart and just roll through the meat section.
And I'm married to her, which is quite the ride.
(exhales) (sputters) (clinking) Amy? There's something out here.
Just trap it under a cup, and I'll be there in a minute.
I'll try, but it's Leonard.
What? (grunts) Well, what is he doing here? I told you, if we left pizza on the counter, we'd attract something.
Oh, hey, guys.
I used my key.
I just needed a place to crash.
Is everything okay? Yeah, I had to get out of the apartment.
My wife kept trying to have sex with me.
Been there.
Why are you trying to avoid having sex? Well, we just did it three weeks ago.
I was talking to Leonard! Well, I-I have to go to the clinic for Zack and Marissa on Monday, and I'm supposed to save myself until then.
Sounds like maybe Penny's not totally on board with that plan.
Well, she said she was.
But she also said I looked dope.
Honestly, I don't even think I looked fly.
So you're willing to go through with this, even though she clearly has reservations? If she has a problem, she should say something.
She tried to seduce you.
If that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is.
Penny doesn't want to have kids.
I respect that.
But this is my chance to leave a part of me behind.
Okay, but this isn't gonna make you a dad.
It's gonna be their baby, not yours.
Although, someday, if that kid wants to know why he's short, nearsighted, and asthmatic he may hunt you down.
Are you guys ready for the most intense experience of your life? - Yes.
- Definitely.
Not to brag, but I'm an astronaut, so I've been weightless before.
Can be pretty scary.
Please, I'm, like, 90 pounds.
I'm weightless every time I hold more than three balloons.
Okay, I just need you guys to sign these waivers, and then you can go get changed.
There are a lot of pages here.
Is this a waiver or a screenplay you've been working on? I'm sure it's just boilerplate.
It's to protect us in case of injury.
It says, "Or death.
" Which is awesome.
- Done.
- Where are the changing rooms? Dressing rooms are in the back.
No peeking.
Here you go.
Should we go get changed? Yeah.
Hang on a second.
What? Just-- I have two babies at home.
What am I doing? If you don't want to do this, then why'd you come? To prove to Howard that he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.
Looks like he does.
Unless I do it and then he doesn't.
Why not just be honest? (sighs) You're right.
I should be honest.
You owe me $3,000 for those plane tickets to India! (cheering on TV) (sighs) Hey.
That was a long run.
Well, I was in the zone.
You know, and then in a diner and then in a massage chair at the mall where I fell asleep.
Are you avoiding me? Well, I took a nap next to Hot Dog on a Stick.
What do you think? I think you're mad at me and Leonard, but maybe you're really mad at yourself.
Why would I be mad at myself? 'Cause you regret this "no baby" plan of yours.
You know, it's pretty crappy of you to make me feel bad about this.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad.
But do you? Yes.
I feel like I'm letting everybody down.
Hate disappointing Leonard, but I really hate disappointing you.
Oh, Slugger, you could never disappoint me.
Okay, your high school years were a little rough.
And I'm sorry about that.
There was you sneaking out at night and your boyfriends sneaking out in the morning.
I said sorry.
That time you got drunk and stole a horse.
I was there.
I remember.
Parts of it.
But besides all that, being your dad is the best thing ever happened to me.
What about Randall and Lisa? They're okay.
I just don't want you to miss out.
I know.
But if this is really what you want-- or don't want-- I'm on your side.
(door opens) Hey.
Uh, Wyatt, we need to talk.
What's up? I want you to back off.
You know? I-If Penny and I don't have kids, that's between us.
So you need to stay out of it.
Oh, Leonard, it's okay.
We talked.
We're good.
Okay, you could've stopped me sooner.
Could've let you go longer.
You did great, Leonard.
Very forceful.
Yeah? (chuckles) I-I-I felt like my voice was a little shaky there.
Um Hey, I decided to not go through with this Zack and Marissa thing.
Really? - But you were so excited about it.
- I know.
But, um I think I was just fooling myself.
I-I would be heartbroken if I had a kid out there and I wasn't his dad.
I know you would.
(clicks tongue) Yeah.
(inhales deeply) (quietly): So, that thing you wanted to do last night, I'm available.
I got real good hearing there, stud.
All right, everyone's suited up.
Let's head out to the tarmac! Actually, one second.
Howie, I don't think I should do this.
Really? Well, I did not see that coming.
Just-- We have kids, and it's not smart to put us both in danger.
That's a good point.
When I was little, my parents never flew together.
We thought it was because they loved us, but it turns out they hated each other.
See? I just think I shouldn't go.
Actually, this is much safer than driving a car.
Stay out of it, flyboy! You're right.
(chuckles) But I've done this before.
And since you really, really want to go, I'll stay here.
Unless you don't want to because I was right and I do know you.
Well, if you really know me, then you know how far I'll go to prove a point.
- Apparently, 34,000 feet that way, then straight back down, up and down, over and over again until you throw up food you didn't even eat.
They are definitely your weirdest friends.
If only that were true.
(screaming) I hate this so much! Why am I doing this?! To prove a stupid point to your husband! Oh, right.
Worth it.
Hey, Zack.
Um, look, I-I know this is gonna be disappointing, but, um, I-I can't do this.
No, no, no, no.
I-I, I know how.
I just can't.
(stammers) But, hey, look, i-if you like, I-I know someone who might be interested.
No! Absolutely not! I'm sorry, my wife says I'm not allowed.