Big Day s01e12 Episode Script

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU WHEN YOU SAID WE SHOULD JUST RUN OFF AND GET MARRIED.
EVERYTHING HAS JUST BEEN SO COMPLICATED AND STRESSFUL.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE BACK FAR ENOUGH.
AAH! OH, GOD.
AAH! AAH! OW! MORE SINGLES! YOU BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL MAN! IT'S OVER.
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! YOU! AAH! LET'S ELOPE.
CAN WE DO THAT? MAasLYNN, LOOK AT YOU! OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE STUNNING.
FRANK, YOU OLD SON OF A GUN, YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS IS THFIRST TIME I'VE SEEN YOU OUT OF GOLF PANTS.
GET IN THERE.
ENJOY THE WEDDING.
YEAH.
IF THERE IS ONE.
HI.
YOU KNOW, DANNY WILL FIND ALICE, AND THERE WILL BE A WEDDING, EVEN IF WE HAVE TO TIE HER VEIL TO THE BUMPER AND DRAG HER BACK HERE, BLOODY AND TOOTHLESS.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OH! AREN' YOU TWO A VISION? OH, MY! NICE HATS.
ENJOY THE WEDDING.
YEAH.
WE'RE JUST SO HAPPY YOU COULD MAKE IT.
NOW GO INSIDE AND ENJOY YOURSELVES.
MM.
GLAD TO SEE MAKING HIMSELF AT HOME.
I THINK HE'S WEARING MY WATCH.
YOU WONDER WHY ALICE RAN OFF.
HI.
OH, SO NOW IT'S BOB'S FAULT? IT-IT WASN'T YOU ROLLING AROUND WITH THE GROOM'S FATHER OR INVITINGYOUR STRIPPER? THINGS ARE HUMMING ALONG NICELY.
HUMMING ALONG, HUMMING ALONG.
HI, STEVE.
THE CANDLES ARE LIT, THE MEALS ARE PREWARMED EVERYTHING IS FALLING INTO PLACE.
WE HAVE NO BRIDE OR GROOM.
I KNOW.
I WAS FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE, BUT THAT'S GONE NOW.
OH, THAT MUST BE THE B-1 BOMBERS FLYING OVER THE RUPPART/CHENOWITH WEDDING.
OF COURSE THEIRS IS STARTING ON TIME.
WHAT IS THAT? RUPPART/CHENOWITH WEDDING FLYOVER.
DON'T YOU WATCH "ACCESS HOLLYWOOD"? I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE ELOPING.
YEAH.
HOW COOL ARE WE, HUH? WE'RE LIKE A COUPLE OF OUTLAWS.
WE'RE LIKE MERCENARIES- FORCED INTO A LIFE ON THE RUN AFTER BEING CHARGED WITH A CRIME THEY DID NOT COMMIT.
"IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, IF NO ONE ELSE CAN HELP YOU " ARE YOU QUOTING "THE A-TEAM"? I JUST SEE THE PARALLELS, THAT'S ALL.
ANY WORD FROM DANNY? NO, GARF.
ANY WORD FROM ALICE? NO, GARF.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT? THAT PROBABLY MEANS THEY'RE TOGETHER, SO UNLESS IT'S A MURDER/SUICIDE, WE'LL BE FINE.
THAT'S KINDA DARK.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
COULD BE A SUICIDE PACT.
HEY.
I KNOW THIS IS AWKWARD, BUT AT SOME POINT, WE-WE MIGH WANT TO CONSIDER PULLING THE PLUG ON THIS EVENT.
YOU KNOW, LIKE MY DAD TOLD ME, "IT'S BETTER TO DIE WITH DIGNITY THAN TO LIVE IN HOPELESSNESS.
" AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDED LIKE.
I MEAN, BY THE END THERE, WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WAS SAYING? HE-HE ALSO SAID THAT BREAD HAS FEWER CALORIES IF YOU TOAST IT.
ALRIGHT.
LORNA, I HAVE 190 GUESTS IN MY BACKYARD EXPECTING A WEDDING, AND THEY ARE NOT GOING TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE UNTIL THEY GET ONE.
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? NO ONE'S TO LEAVE.
NO PROBLEM.
I TOOK A TOASTMASTER'S CLASS.
YOU KNOW, I'M-I'M ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD IN FRONT OF CROWDS.
FRANCIS, GET ME MY SPORTS BRA.
OKAY, WHEN I POINT AT YOU, EVERYONE ON THIS SIDE SAYS "HEY," AND EVERYONE ON THIS SIDE SAYS "HO.
" OKAY? READY? HEY! HEY.
HO HO.
YES.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT, BUT I DIDN'T HEAR MY "HO"s.
WHERE ARE MY "HO"s? HO.
HO.
YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
MMM.
WHO NEEDS FANCY WEDDING FOOD? THIS MICROWAVE BURRITO KICKS ASS.
WHAT WAS TT? OH, NOTHING.
JUST MY CAR TALKING TO US.
SHE DOES THAT SOMETIMES.
NOW SHE'S SAYING, "GET OUT.
" YODEL-LAY-HEE-HOO, YODEL-LAY-HEE-HOO YODEL-Y-HEE-HOO YODEL-LAY-HEE-HOO, YODEL-LAY-HEE-HOO YODEL-LAYYODEL-LAY, YODEL-LAY, YODEL-LAY-HEE-HOO EVERYBODY! YODEL-LAY-LAY-HEE, YODEL-LAY-LAY-HEE YODEL-LAY-HEE-HOO WOW.
MY SUFI DANCING IS JUST GONNA LOOK STUPID AFTER THAT.
FRIENDS, PRECEREMONY CKTAILS WILL NOW BE SERVED IN THTENT.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT CALL.
DIRTY MARTINI, IF MEMORY SERVES.
OH.
YOU ARE A LIFESAVER.
UH, SORRY.
SORRY.
OKAY.
WHAT KIND OF MAN WALKS INTO ANOTHER MAN'S HOME AND OPENS ANOTHER MAN'S BAR? STILL NO SIGN OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM.
I BROUGHT PARTY FAVORS.
AH! MAYBE ALCOHOL IS THE WRONG THING TO ADD TO THIS MIX.
SORRY.
TRUTH OR DARE.
OKAY, SKOBO, IT IS YOUR TURN.
NAH.
I'M-I'M OKAY.
AW, COME ON.
I THOUGH YOU LIKED THAT-PLAYING GAMES.
OH, I LIKE TO PLAY GAMES.
TRUTH OR DARE.
I HOLD BEFORE YOU TWO PACKETS FROM THE LITTMAN BAR MITZVAH- ONE RELISH, ONE MAYONNAISE.
I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.
IT'S ON.
OH, IT IS SO ON.
HEY.
HOW WAS YOUR SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN? I REALLY DON'T WAN TO TK ABOUT IT.
HEY.
COME BACK, FREDDY.
COME BACK IN THE CLOSET.
WE'LL JUST CALL A TOW TRUC- WHOA.
GENTLEMEN LADIES? I COULD USE A DRINK.
COULD YOU USE A DRINK? I COULD USE A DRINK.
MY FUTURE EX-WIFE.
HEY, I'M BURT.
HOW YOU DOIN', BEAUTIFUL? HEY, PRETTY.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? YEAH.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK THEREBURT.
UH, SEE, WE'RE ALMOST MARRIED.
OH, YEAH? WELL, I'ALMOST GOING TO PRISON, BUT UNTIL EITHER OF US STANDS IN FRONT OF A JUDGE, NOTHING'S OFFICIAL.
YOU AUNT ROSE HAS ALREADY STARTED COLLECTING THE CENTERPIECES.
LORNA, I THINK I HAVE BEEN PRETTY PATIENT WITH YOU SO FAR, BUT IF WE LOSE ANY OF THESE GUESTS, THE NEXT EVENT YOU'LL BE PLANNING WILL BE YOUR OWN FUNERAL.
OH, ALREADY PLANNED.
UM, I'VE-I'VE HAD A COFFIN ON LAYAWAY SINCE I WAS 16.
I CHOOSE I OVER A PROM DRESS, BUT THEY WERE BOTH THE SAME COLOR-PERFECT PINK.
I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.
YOU KNOW, SLIM, YOU AND I SHOULD GO OUT THERE, DO ONE OF OUR OLD NUMBERS, KNOCK 'EM DEAD.
OH, BOB, IT WAS SUCH A LONG TIME AGO.
YEAH, AND I'M SURE YOUR ANTIESTABLISHMENT FOLK ROCK WOULD GO OVER GREA ON THE TENNIS COUR OF YOUR 6-BEDROOM COLONIAL.
OH, DO Y HAVE A BETTER SUGGESTION? WHAT, YOU WANT TO GO OU AND WOW THEM WITH YOUR COLONEL KLINK IMPRESSION? IF YOU WIFT ENTERTAINMENT,? OH, YOU MEAN YOUR STRIPPER? SHAMPAGNE - SHE'S A TRAINED DANCER.
DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD TWO YEARS OF JAZZ? NO, TWO YEARS AS "JAZZ," AND THEN I WAS "MISTY," AND NOW I'M SHAMPAGNE WITH AN "S.
" F.
Y.
I.
, BUSINESS CARDS- BIG WASTE OF MONEY.
MOM, I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN A DIFFICULT DAY, BUT I JUST WAN TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU.
OH, BECCA.
WHAT OH, AND THEY SAID YOU'D NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW AFFECTION.
THANK YOU, SWEETIE.
THANK YOU.
GREAT.
SEE? THERE'S NO DARE I WON'T DO.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL FIND YOUR BREAKING POINT.
AND I'LL FIND YOURS.
HMM.
IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, THAT WOMAN JUST PUT HER TEETH IN A GLASS.
THIRSTY? PARCHED.
WHAT'S UP WITH THE TOW TRUCK? IT'S STILL GONNA BE ANOTHER HALF-HOUR.
THERE'S A LOT OF TRAFFIC.
THE RUPPART/CHENOWITH WEDDING IS CLEARING OUT.
THAT'S OVER ALREADY? HUH, WELL, I GUESS IF WE HADN'T RUN OFF, WE'D BE MARRIED BY NOW, TOO.
YEAH, BUT THEN WE NEVER WOULD HAVE SEEN DOUG THERE TAKE OUT HIS EYE AND LOOK AROUND THE ROOM WITH IT.
I REALLY LIKE THIS PLACE.
IT'S SO REAL.
I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM.
YEAH.
WHAT THE OH, NO, NOT THE FLUTE.
OKAY, BOB, I THOUGH WE COULD OPEN OUR SE WITH "GIVE PEACE A CHANCE," AND THEN CONTINUE WITH OUR VIETNAM MEDLEY.
I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK "GIVE PEACE A CHANCE" IS MORE OF A CLOSER.
NO, BUT WE OPENED WITH IT A THE PURPLE ONION, AND IT KILLED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU DID, AND IT WAS NOT YOUR BEST SHOW.
TOO MUCH DULCIMER.
ALWAYS TOO MUCH DULCIMER.
STE, HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PURPLE ONION? I MEAN, THAT PLACE HAD BEEN TURNED INTO A FOOD CO-OP BEFORE I EVEN KNEW YOU.
WELL, I KNEW YOU.
I WAS SITTING IN THE BACK OF EVERY SHOW, WORKING UP THE NERVE TO ASK YOU OUT.
IT TOOK ME EIGHT MONTHS, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.
OH, STEVE.
IT'S OUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING DAY.
YOU SHOULD BE UP THERE WITH US.
I'M NO PERFORMER.
BUT YOU PLAY A WONDERFUL PIANO.
UH, JANE.
THIS IS A DUO, NOT A TRIO.
YOU'RE RIGHT, BOB.
MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS MOTHER AND A WOMAN LEAVE HER HOME AND THEY SHALL TRAVEL ON TO WHERE THTWO SHALL BE AS ONE AS IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING IS NOW UNTIL THE END WOMAN DRAWS HER LIFE FROM MAN AND GIVES IT BACK AGAIN AND THERE IS LOVE THERE IS LOVE THERE IS LOVE SO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE? I'VE GOT MY HARLEY.
NO, THANKS.
I'M OVER MY FATHER ISSUES.
OOH.
BOB BARON DID NOT LIKE THAT.
NNY? YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHO THIS IS.
YOUR STUNT DOUBLE? NO, ELLEN RUPPART.
FROM THE RUPPART/CHENOWITH WEDDING? HE DOESN'T WATCH "ACCESS HOLLYWOOD.
" I WAS ALSO? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? I RAN AWAY.
THE WEDDING IS OFF.
AT HAPPENED? YOU AND ADAM SEEMED SO HAPPY.
I MEAN, HE NAMED HIS RANCH AFTER YOU.
OH, YEAH.
IT WAS PERFECT.
EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT, BUT WHEN IT WAS TIME TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE, AND BONO STARTED SINGING "BEAUTIFUL DAY," AND THEY STARTED LOWERING THE PLATFORM, I SAID, "TAKE IT BACK UP.
"KILL THE FOG MACHINE.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
" BUT YOU HAD THE PERFECT WEDDING.
WHY WOULD YOU GIVE IT ALL UP? I DIDN'T LOVE HIM.
I HAD THE PERFECT WEDDING.
I JUST HAD THE WRONG GUY.
WOW.
MY WEDDING WAS A NIGHTMARE, BUT I KNOW I HAVE THE RIGHT GUY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T WAIT.
I WANT TO MARRY YOU RIGHT NOW.
OKAY.
OKAY.
UH THIS WILL WORK.
WE CAN BORROW TWO RINGS FROM THAT GUY'S NIPPLES.
UH, THE LITTLE WOMAN BEHIND THE BAR- YOU KNOW, SHE COULD BE OUR FLOWER GIRL.
OH, WE GOT MUSIC RIG HERE! SO, UM SO WHAT ZZ TOP SONG WOULD YOU LIKE TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE TO? I WANT TO GO HOME.
OH, THANK GOD.
I'LL GIVE YOU A LIF IN MY PICKUP.
BRIDES GE TO RIDE IN THE CAB.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL THROW A TARP OVER THE DEER.
WHAT'S GOING ON? I'M SORRY, MA'AM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KEYS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ANY OF THE KEYS.
OH, GARF.
MIND IF I JOIN YOU? HOW DID YOU FIND ME? WELL, EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU FROM THE YARD.
OH.
I SEE YOU HAVE A BOWL FULL OF KEYS? YEAH.
NO ONE IS LEAVING.
IF THEY WANT TO WALK OUT OF THIS WEDDING, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO WALK OUT OF THIS WEDDING.
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? THIS IS A DISASTER, AND IT'S MY FAULT.
I'M A TERRIBLE WEDDING PLANNER.
BUT A WORLD-CLASS YODELER.
YOU THINK? BECAUSE I WASN' EVEN USING MY DIAPHRAGM LIKE I WOULD IN COMPETITN.
I WAS CAPTIVATED, LORNA.
OH, GARF.
PLEASE.
RENE.
RENE.
NO ONE HAS CALLED ME THA SINCE MY WIFE WENDY ABANDONED ME AND LITTLE DANNY 20 YEARS AGO.
WELL, ACTUALLY, MY DENTIST CALLS ME THAT.
YEAH.
THAT SONG WAS BEAUTIFUL.
YOU KNOW, ALL THE MONEY ANALL THE HASSLES WERE WORTH IT FOR THAT.
OH, STEVE.
YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE A SHAME FOR US TO WASTE ALL THIS.
MM.
YOU WANT TO FILE A WEDDING INSURANCE CLAIM? NO.
NO, I'M JUST THINKING THAT MAYBE YOU AND I COULD JANE WILL YOU MARRY ME ALL OVER AGAIN? RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW? REALLY? WELL, I SUPPOSE WE COULD YES.
YES, STEVE, YES.
OH, IT'S KIND OF SPUR OF THE MOMENT.
I DON'T-I DON'T HAVE A NEW RING.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
OH, I THINK I'M OUT OF DARES.
I GUESS I COULD PULL MY NARDS OUT ONE MORE TIME, BUT WHAT'S THAT GONNA PROVE? ALL RIGHT.
I DARE YOU TO UM OH, START THE WEDDING MUSIC.
YEAH? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
UH, ONE, TWO, THREE, ONE, TWO FINALLY.
UM, THAT WAS A BIGGER REACTION THAN I WAS EXPECTING.
OH, THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM ARE BACK? THAT'S MY CUE.
AAH! I'M OKAY! I DARE YOU TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE.
YOU CALL THAT A DARE? I DARE YOU TO MARRY ME.
FINE.
WHATEVER.
I KNOW YOU'LL WUSS OUT.
WHAT? I'LL EAT TOE JAM COME ON.
TAKE MY ARM.
ARE THEY BACK? WHO CUED THE MUSIC? WE DID.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.
NO, YOU ARE NOT, YOUNG LADY.
THE ONLY PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED AT YOUR SISTER'S WEDDING ARE YOUR FATHER AND ME.
NOT IF WE GET THERE FIRST.
START WALKING.
STEVE.
BECCA, YOU BARELY KNOW HIM.
BACK OFF.
YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED.
MINISTER'S HERE.
SHH! WHERE IS MY BRIDE AND GROOM? RIGHT HERE.
OH.
THESE KIND OF THINGS NEVER WORK.
I MEAN, THEY SOUND GOOD- WE'RE RENEWING OUR VOWS.
WE'RE SEEING WHO BLINKS.
DON' BE RIDICULOUS, BECCA.
SIT DOWN.
OH, THIS WOULD BE A RIDICULOUS MARRIAGE, AS OPPOSED TO YOUR MARRIAGE WITH THE CONSTANT FIGHTING AND THE SECRET ACCOUNTS? THERE'S NO SECRET ACCOUNT.
WHAT? SHE'S TRYING TO DIVIDE US, STEVE.
YEAH.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.
WE'REGETTING MARRIED.
I THOUGHT WE WERE GETTING MARRIED.
STAY OUT OF THIS, ALICE.
OH, THERE SHE IS.
I KNEW IT.
BABY, OH, I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT, RUNNING AWAY LIKE THAT? WELL, IT TOOK ME SOME TIME TO REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING I NEED FOR THE PERFECT WEDDING IS RIGHT HERE.
OH, SEE, STEVE, AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO PAY EXTRA FOR THE CHAIR COVERS.
WERE YOU GETTING MARRIED? ALL OF YOU? YOU KNOW WHAT? NONE OF THA IS IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE HERE, THE GUESTS ARE HERE, A LOT OF THEM ARE DRUNK, UH SO LET'S JUST GE HUH? AND LET'S MAKE IT QUICK.
THE SUSHI'S STARTING TO TURN.
POSITIONS, EVERYBODY! I NEVER UNDERSTOOD BEFORE I NEVER KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS FOR MY HEART WAS BROKE, MY HEAD WAS SORE WHAT A FEELING LOVE WILL REMAIN A MYSTERY BUT GIVE ME YOUR HAND, AND YOU WILL SEE YOUR HEAR IS KEEPING TIME WITH ME OH, WHAT A FEELING IN MY SOUL LOVE BURNS BRIGHTER THAN SUNSHINE IT'S BRIGHTER THAN SUNSHINE LET THE RAIN FALL, I DON'T CARE I'M YOURS, ANSUDDENLY YOU'RE MINE SUDDENLY YOU'RE MINE AND IT'S BRIGHTER THAN SUNSHINE AND NOW THE MOMEN WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
DO YOU, ALICE, LITTLE DOVE, TAKE DANNY, THIS SOARING EAGLE, THIS RAPTOR UNTAMED I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS.
I DO.
DO YOU JUST SAY "DANNY.
" DANNY, TAKE ALICE TO BE YOUR WIFE? I- STOP! STOP THE WEDDING.
MOM?! WENDY! OH, MY GOD.
SHE'S WEARING PANTS.
OH! OH! OH, MY GOD! HE'S DEAD! OW! STAY WITH ME! I'M WITH YOU! SO I GUESS WE'RE NO GETTING MARRIED, HUH? THEN I GUESS I WON.
WAIT.
WAIT.
OKAY, HOW ABOU A COMMITTED, LONG-TERM, LONG DISTANCE, MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP? YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS.
OH, YEAH? YOU REMEMBER THAT PHONE NUMBER I GAVE YOU? YOU CAN TEAR IT UP, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA GIVE YOU MY REAL ONE.
FRANCIS, I NEED A POCKETKNIFE AND A BALLPOINT PEN.
NO, YOU DON'T.
OH.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.
FRANCIS.
WE FOUND HIM IN THE NEIGHBOR'S HOT TUB.
HE SAYS HE'S YOUR ASSISTANT.
I CARRY A LOT OF TENSION IN MY LOWER BACK.
TELL HIM, LORNA.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT IS.
YOU LIAR! OH, FOR GOD SAKES, STEVE, DO SOMETHING.
FINE.
HEY! WE'RE BROKE! WELL, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
YEAH? I GOT NOTHING.