Big Mouth (2017) s01e10 Episode Script

The Pornscape

1 [NICK.]
All right, let's see.
How does this thing work? Let me just get [GRUNTS.]
Yeah, got it.
Now we can watch our first porn.
Missy! I'll never love anyone again, and no one will ever love me.
Ohh, Andrew, you know I really don't like seeing weakness.
- [SOBS.]
I'm not crying.
- Uh-huh.
Maybe if I die, she'll feel bad and take me back.
Good idea.
Or we could watch the Sylvester Stallone porn.
"The Italian Stallion, the story of two young lovers beefing in a gross motel.
" Two young lovers? Oh, Missy, why did you break up with us? Goddamn it.
Well, well, well, a hole.
Ooh! And crotch level, no less.
Mmm, yes, please.
All right, once I press play, our lives will be changed forever.
I literally do not care about anything.
Hey, before we start, I want you boys to meet my fiancée, Candice.
She's absolutely perfect.
I mean, the only downside is the dick splinters.
Hey, Kitty, you wanna hop on this stallion or what? - Sure, but I only ride bareback.
- Oh, yeah, great.
- Hoo hoo! - Whoa Oh, yes.
Oh, this is great.
You're great.
- [KITTY.]
Is it great? - [STALLONE.]
Oh, that's great.
Hey, Kitty, you gotta do one thing for me.
- [KITTY.]
What? - Stroke the shaft, cup the balls.
Adrian! All right.
Wrestling is apparently not what we're doing here today.
It's a field trip to the police department.
Matthew, you clearly lied to me.
The man rode on a bus for 20 minutes in a wrestling singlet and didn't ask a single question.
I don't think I can keep my balls to one side.
I really think I'm gonna have to spread 'em.
All right, kids.
Welcome to the Bridgeton Police Department.
Yes, son.
Do you have a question? Oh.
I just keep my hands up in a police station.
- You know, 'cause, uh, duh.
- That's a good call.
Hey, guys.
Check it out, my first zit.
I guess watching The Italian Stallion knocked something loose [CHUCKLES.]
you know, manhood-wise.
Oh, please.
You call that a zit? My crackne's so bad I take Ortho Tri-Cyclen, which is basically birth control.
Ha ha! Up top.
No? Fuck you, guys.
All right, everyone, file in.
This is our line up room.
That's one of those two-way mirrors, right? So I can see them and they can see me? You are thinking of a window, you orangutan.
Matthew, cutting deep.
- Oh, hi hi, Andrew.
- Oh.
Hi, Missy.
Okay, kids, let's see those profiles.
I was, um, just hoping that, um, maybe we could be friends? Oh, Missy, I can't be your friend and just pretend I don't love you.
And then what? Someday I get an invitation to your wedding, and I watch you marry a guy named Joel.
What do you see in Joel? I guess he's an architect.
He's a good man.
Missy, I'm happy for you.
Sarge, we just found another dead body with their ponytail cut off.
- The Ponytail Killer strikes again.
- Damn it! Hold on.
Is that what we're calling him? 'Cause I thought we were going with the Ponytail Prowler? - Why prowler? He's not a cat burglar.
- I like alliteration.
How about Ponytail, uh Person? That's nothing.
That's a nothing nickname.
Enough! Women are dying! Now I want a catchy nickname on my desk by the end of the day.
So this is our crime lab.
It's where we analyze genetic evidence.
Can I have a volunteer? How about you, the child with the puffy lifeless eyes.
Your results might be tainted because I'm empty inside.
You guys realize DNA is a hoax created by gay scientists, right? [GROANS.]
Stop quoting your dad's law commercials.
- Oh, yeah? Maybe I will stop.
- Don't you dare.
- Oh, yeah, my mouth is sopping wet.
- No, no, don't talk, don't talk.
Hey, that's the old pet cemetery where my dad is buried.
Whoa! That's Carole from my Curves gym who yells at me for not being female.
And that's the bus driver with the pretty, pretty ponytail.
What a coinkydink.
Sir, if you don't mind, we'd like to ask you a few questions.
Me? A legit hang sesh? Spoiler alert, I'm your guy.
Yeah, you just might be.
- Wait, wait.
- What? Hey, I'm not complaining or anything, but why do you keep kissing me? I'm just acting out because my parents are getting divorced.
Don't stop.
- Got it.
But I crave emotional intimacy.
- Oh, boy.
Because my parents have a no-touch policy with me.
So I don't really feel human contact at all.
- Oh, God.
- Unless I trick people into touching me, like, by pretending to be falling down or something.
- What? - I think I want more of a relationship.
- Does that sound gay? - Um Baby, you gotta throw this boy a bone.
Anything to make him start frenching you again.
One date.
- Yes! Fuck yeah! Now smooch up on him.
Oh, look at those adorable little fingers.
I can't stand being so close to her.
You know what might make you feel better? Going home and watching porn again? Ah, yes.
The student has become the master.
Oh, that would make a pretty good porn.
Hey, Andrew, who's that, like, creature you're friends with? The the puberty guy? - The hormone monster? - Yeah.
Now that I have this zit, I feel like we should have a chat.
- He wants to talk to you.
So, what makes you think you'd be a good candidate for puberty? Well, I'm almost 13, I have kissed two girls, and, of course [CHUCKLES.]
the old Yellowstone Caldera here.
Nice callback.
So I know you, uh, recently watched The Italian Stallion.
Did you cum? Oh, yeah.
Big time.
Oh, yeah? And what did that feel like? Like puncturing a Capri Sun on the first try? [CHUCKLES.]
I think we're done here.
Give me a call in, like, I don't know, two years.
- Oh, come on, please.
What about the zit? - Oh, right.
Yeah, let me see that.
- Ow! - Look, your zit just came - more than you ever have.
He was totally unreasonable and he was, like, eating pistachios the whole time, which felt rude.
Yeah, he loves pistachios.
I mean, he's a weird guy.
So I gotta go.
Hold on.
Aren't you coming over? No, I have plans.
I'm I'm going to my, um, aunt's wedding.
Your aunt's getting married on a Thursday? Yeah, she's cheap.
Cheap lady.
- Okay, let's hang out tomorrow.
- Okay.
Nice lie, baby.
I mean, the kid had no idea that your aunt died years ago after a slow miserable battle with cancer.
Ha ha! Idiot.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? What? We're gonna watch the porn, so I can forget about Missy.
The same one? Oh, my little sweet potato, there's a whole world of pornography out there.
In fact, you can trace erotica all the way back to the early Paleolithic cave drawings.
- Whoa.
- What's your safe word again? Honestly, I'm embarrassed, but it's "ooga-booga.
" In the third century, the Kama Sutra became the standard go-to jerk work.
Sorry, can you just shift a little bit? My leg is cramping.
You're cramping? I'm upside fucking down.
Very well-researched.
Video changed the game, and for a while flicks helped us fap.
Did someone order a pizza? 'Cause I already ate it.
Jesus, Ron, are you gonna burp into my pussy again? Why would that guy be in a Oh, it's quite big.
And, finally, the mother of all pornovations the internet.
Everything you could ever want, whenever you want it.
Oh, but this site says I need to be 18.
I think we're gonna be okay, Andrew.
I'm 75 million years old.
- Whoa.
- Hi, Andrew.
I like your fedora.
- Missy.
Hi, hi.
It's really nice being alone with you.
Andrew, we need to break up.
I want you, Andrew.
- Welcome to jazz club.
- [WOMAN.]
Oh, yeah.
See you at school tomorrow.
Seven minutes of [MOANING AND PANTING.]
- [MAN.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, boy, what a night.
- When did you finally go to sleep? - I didn't.
Mature group pissing? I guess I just got a little bored of the solo pissing stuff.
- Uh-huh.
Sure, okay.
- All right.
I guess I should go to school, even though there's no porn there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't leave your room like this.
Your mom will mature piss herself.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Good call.
I'm gonna toss all these in the kitchen garbage.
Are you crazy? You gotta go offsite with this biohazard.
- Oh, boy.
The synagogue, huh? I guess the smell of pickled herring will hide the scent of your seed.
- That's exactly what I was thinking.
- You're very smart.
And chemical bonds that exist between two atoms that share electrons - are called covalent bonds.
- Andrew.
- Huh? What? Can you give us an example of a molecule with a covalent bond? Um a big molecule? You haven't been listening at all, have you? You're being very, very bad.
Do you need to be punished, Andrew? Oh, I need to be punished 'cause I'm a bad little baby.
Why don't you bend me over that desk and spank me on the ass? Excuse me, Mr.
Glouberman? Oh, hi.
He wants you to spank him on his ass as if he were a baby, even though he's not actually a baby.
But he wants it over the desk because he's a bad little bitch.
All right, so where were you on the night of August 21? Let's see.
I was home by myself.
- What about September 11th? - Oh, my birthday.
I was home alone.
September 28th? I was watching Home Alone at home, alone.
Sir, I gotta tell you, based on your lack of alibi and your various connections to the victims, you are currently a person of interest.
So let me get this straight: you think that I am interesting and also a person? You're the person, Steve.
You have the right to remain awesome.
- Hey, Andrew.
- What, Missy? Oh, well, I just saw what happened in Science class.
Is is everything okay, Andrew? Yep.
Okay, bye.
We're going to my house, right? No, I gotta go home to the baseball game.
- What? - With my aunt.
Why is your aunt going to a baseball game the day after her wedding? I don't know, Nick.
Why would you suck on a strap-on? The thing's made of plastic.
Who benefits from that? I have to go.
What's going on with Andrew? I don't know, Missy, but I'm pretty sure it's your fault.
Oh, no.
I don't doubt it.
All right.
What the hell? The Wi-Fi is out.
No big deal.
We don't need porn.
Let's just use our imaginations.
You remember what tits look like, right? They're like like, like round boxes.
- Why doesn't anything in this house work? - Yeah.
Why doesn't anything work? - What are you talking about? - This house sucks.
- Yeah, it does suck.
- Why is it my fault? [YELLS.]
You know who's funny? The Big Bang Theory.
May I offer you a beverage? Ta-da! Why isn't your magic as annoying as it used to be? 'Cause he looks like a sexy porcupine.
You know, my dad called your dad about being his divorce lawyer.
Oh, boy.
Guy Bilzerian is gonna destroy your mom.
She deserves it.
My dad's living in the basement.
There's no bathroom down there.
He has to shower in the backyard.
It's so sad.
My dad has a shower in his office.
He and his receptionist both have robes there.
Your dad is screwing his receptionist? Oh, I never thought of it like that.
- Oh, my God.
- Fuck.
Both our houses suck.
But spending time with you doesn't suck.
Oh, no.
Oh, Andrew.
Are you sick? Have you lost a lot of fluids? No, Mrs.
I'm fine.
He's not fine.
A cardiologist knows a broken heart.
- Aww, you poor baby.
- And there's only one cure.
A hug from your friend's father while he holds a magazine.
I thought you were going to a baseball game with your aunt? Oh.
Um, a foul ball hit her in the face, - so she died in 2011.
- What? Can I use your bathroom? Does your bathroom have a lock? - You wanna use it right now? - Oh, and what's your Wi-Fi password? Oh, that's "WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN," all caps.
- I gotta go.
- Have fun surfing the web.
Oh, Andrew, you make me feel so good.
So can you take your clothes off? But you must go to my Amazon wish list first and buy me mini fridge.
You'll take off your clothes if I buy you a mini fridge? [SVETLANA.]
I'm so hot, but I must be made cold.
Andrew, you okay? Who are you talking to? [ANDREW.]
Hey, sweetheart, you need to take a break from pornography.
What? Are you kidding? I thought you were a hormone monster.
Hey, you know I'm all about jacking that stack, living that horndog life, whoop-whoop! But this is pure compulsion.
You've taken something beautiful and made it ugly.
Well, then get lost, Maury.
Wow, that's cold.
Goodbye, kiddo.
And then, after all those lies, he comes over and locks himself in the bathroom.
- It doesn't make any sense.
- It's as clear as day.
He's doing smack.
I don't know.
That doesn't sound like Andrew.
My friend Booger Wheeler got left by a lady.
Sent him straight to the needle.
And he died with his eyes open wide So, what are you saying? It's hopeless? No.
Go save your friend.
Kick down the door, grab his drugs and bring him up here.
And don't forget to bring a spoon - [MAN.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Andrew.
Hey, great.
Whoa, what the ? - Why don't you come in here, join us? - Me? Yeah, you.
Could it be? Don't know.
Adrian, you stole a cookie from the cookie jar.
- Uh, I'm Andrew.
- Yeah, this is Cookie.
My name's Kitty.
Hey, and I'm great.
Come on in, buddy.
Yeah, through the screen.
- What? Come in? - That's it.
Okay, I don't know why I trust you, but I whoa! Andrew, open up.
Put down the needle.
- Andrew? - He's gone.
- Did he OD on heroin? - Heroin? No.
He's addicted to pornography.
Nick, Andrew has been sucked into the PornScape.
The what? An alternate dimension where pornography comes to life.
- [MAN.]
Oh, yeah.
- [NICK.]
Oh, God.
- Oh, yeah.
- Andrew! If we don't get him out of the PornScape soon, he'll never be able to connect to anyone on an emotional or sexual level.
- Take my hand, Ned.
- It's Nick.
Yeah, that's what I said.
- Just squeeze a little bit.
- Okay.
I'm a little Sorry, can you just shift a little? My leg is cramping.
Oh, you're cramping? I'm upside fucking down.
Ugh! The synagogue where Cantor Dina works.
I just wanna, like, do something to it.
Let's throw a brick through a window.
Um, of the synagogue? That's a little hate crimey, Jay.
What if we let it be known that Cantor Dina, as a snack, eats little pieces of shit? Why is that your go-to thing? - [THUMP.]
- What's that? - [MEOWING.]
- Aww.
What's wrong, buddy? What's in there? [SCREAMING.]
- [JAY.]
Holy shit! - [JESSI.]
Oh, my God! There's a dead body! - Will you be my girlfriend? - What? This is not the time! - Then when is? - Not now! - I'm in love with you, Jessi! - [SCREAMING.]
- Whoa.
The Italian Stallion? - Hey, great.
We're looking for Andrew.
Have you seen him? Pear-shaped, glasses, smells like cold pasta.
Oh, yeah.
I thought his name was Adrian.
He's the king.
'Cause, you know, he's a good king.
- Yeah, well, we need to talk to him.
- Oh, you don't talk, though, you listen.
You know, in here, we're all his children, right? - I mean, the guy is a sex god.
- [NICK.]
- Do you know how to find him? - Yeah, he's up the River Dicks.
I'll take you there, and this hairy guy too.
Get over here.
Give me a kiss.
Get the fuck outta here.
Let's go.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh! - [MOANS.]
What is this place? What you're seeing is Andrew's search history.
Everything he watched, you know, come to life.
Hey, great.
It's Mickey, Paulie, and all the gals.
This is my fault.
I never should've forced Andrew to watch The Italian Stallion.
Uh maybe I had something to do with it, you know, ravaging him with puberty and all.
Speaking of, when are you gonna ravage me with puberty? Oh, this again.
You're just not ready.
Then why did you bring me along to this porn world? It's called the PornScape.
It's a cool name.
Please use it.
I brought you to the PornScape because Andrew listens to you.
He respects you.
Hey, no offense, but we're here.
- But where's Andrew? - Adrian? Hey, king's in there.
It's the heart from the science museum where I skullfucked Garrison Keillor.
Andrew and Missy almost kissed there, but that's not relevant.
All you need to know is that I put my penis in Garrison Keillor's skull.
- Aah! - Sorry.
You can't go in there.
Ah-pah-pah! Bring them to me.
- Oh, Andrew.
Jesus Christ.
- Whoa, great jack shack, man.
- What's that shirt? My porn shirt? It's from my Dracula costume from two years ago.
- Halloween.
- Uh-huh.
- What brings you travelers here? - We're here to save you.
I choose not to be saved.
Yes, he wants to stay and buy me mini dishwasher.
Small, but can fit big plates.
You know, you haven't taken anything off yet.
Andrew, this isn't who you are.
You're not a sex freak.
You're a sweet guy.
You don't like all of this.
You like Missy.
It hurts too much out there.
Nobody can hurt me in here.
But this isn't real.
- It is to me, Nick.
It is - [SMACKING.]
Will you stop spanking him for five seconds while I'm talking? Uh, sorry, boss.
Okay, fine.
Let's do this.
If you won't leave, I won't either.
I'll throw away my life and be a part of your crazy porn world.
It's a PornScape.
Why is this so hard for you? Whatever.
Sign me up.
I'll jack off that guy and rim job that girl, and eat everyone's ass out.
- That's what a rim job is, Nick.
- Exactly.
The rim of his anus.
It couldn't be more clear.
You see what I'm dealing with here, Andrew? Oh, fine.
Who cares? Come and get me, you freaks.
Uh, Andrew, we need to get this kid outta here, like, right now.
He's gonna get molested and I don't mean fun babysitter molested.
- Andrew? - [SVETLANA.]
I want you.
No! Hey, leave him alone.
He's not ready for any of this.
Maurice, let's get out of here.
- Oh, shit.
These horny fucks are so fast.
Oh, I'm out of shape.
I gotta smoke less.
Hey, you ain't leaving with our king.
I mean, the king's great.
Boys, take the boat and go on without me.
I'll hold off the Stallion.
- But, Maury, we can't leave you.
- Go, boys.
Go, now! Let's see what you got, you juiced pig.
Hey, this isn't great.
Cowabunga! This is great! [MONSTER GROANING.]
I feel bad for him.
He's told me many times this is exactly how he wanted to go.
- Andrew, wait! - Missy? - What are you doing here? - I I came to find you.
- Guys, we gotta get out of here.
- We can be happy here.
- I wanna get back together with you.
- Really? Andrew, you can't stay here with Missy.
- That's not really Missy.
- How do you know? [SIGHS.]
Because the real Missy doesn't want to be with me.
Also, look at her feet.
She got those dildo feet.
- Okay, let's go.
- Well, you know what, Andrew? [VOICE DISTORTS.]
You aren't going anywhere.
- Oh, God, we made it.
- [SIGHS.]
I don't know if you noticed, but, Nick, I've got a real problem with the pornography.
Some old people pissed on us, and it smelled different.
My guess is it's all the vitamins they take.
It's all the supplements, yeah.
Then we heard a noise, and me and my very serious girlfriend, Jessi, opened the lid and saw a dead body.
- And, uh, you're the girlfriend? - Uh, not exactly.
Then what is this guy to you? You're going steady? You pinned her? - Yeah.
What am I to you? - You're a guy that I kiss sometimes.
That's nothing.
That's a nothing relationship.
Women are dying! So I want you to define your relationship by the end of the night.
That noise they heard must have been our guy dumping the victim.
All the while we got Coach Steve in custody, which means, gentlemen, that he cannot be Jon Bon Ponytail.
You stop trying to make that work! - Sir, you're free to go.
But am I free to stay, my friend? That don't make no never mind to me.
- Well, I guess we should go home.
- Ugh.
- I don't wanna go home.
- Yeah, me neither.
The dogs probably ate my dinner by now.
What if we don't go home? You mean, like, go to a movie, or sneak into the cemetery and sleep there? - No.
- I know a pretty empty mausoleum.
I mean, like, get out of here.
Run, child.
Run away to Mexico.
We'll live on the beach and get those weird little braidy things in our hair.
Let's go somewhere far away.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
Because I am a hundred percent on board for this.
I have a go-bag right here.
Okay, we need to run before I change my mind.
Let's go.
It's just all loose tortilla chips.
Hello, Nick.
- Are you all right? How'd you get out? - I fucking fucked all those fucks.
- Yeah.
On that note, I think you were right.
I'm not ready for puberty.
I'm gonna wait.
Oh, no, no, Nick.
It's not your decision.
In fact, check your mons.
- Hey, Nick.
- What it do? We are your curly new pals.
Are we in Tampa? 'Cause it's hot and stinky.
- I don't wanna be here.
- No, we're not in Tampa.
We're in Crotch City, USA.
Hi, guys.
Does this mean I'm going through puberty? - Are you gonna be my hormone monster? - Uh, no, not exactly.
You'll be working with my friend Rick.
Great guy.
- Where is he? Where's the kid? - What? He can't even see me.
And there's shit running down his leg.
- We're gonna have a lot of fun, man.
- No, no.
I don't accept this.
I'm gonna have my mom call a doctor.
There's gotta be a shot I can take, right? You want me to teach you how to masturbate? [SIGHS.]
Well, one door closes, and another opens.
- Get down on the ground, you sick fuck! - Oh, my God, what's happening? - You're under arrest.
What are you doing to my boy? I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but your boy here is a perverted killer, ma'am.
I knew it! His DNA was found all over a dead body in the synagogue dumpster.
All over.
My jizz socks.
There was so much semen, at first we thought a horse had done it.
I know who you are, you little bastard.
You're the ponytail something.
Guys, please, I'm just some weird kid.
- Detective, check this out.
- Who's this? - Your next victim? - That's my associate Susan.
And what the hell is this here now? That's not mine.
That's the hormone monster's.
Oh, my God.
My son is deranged.
Let me guess, the monster did this too.
He wanted to climax in my wall.
Why am I saying all of this? Andrew, my son, I can't believe you made a hole in my drywall.
- Officers, take him away.
- No, guys.
Ow, ow! I'm gonna have to go to Home Depot on a Sunday.
Why, Andrew? Why? [CELL DOOR RATTLING.]
How you doing, buddy? I'm terrified, Nick.
My cellmate called me a pretty shit today.
It's a real mixed message.
I think we need to start accepting and enjoying.
Don't worry, we'll get you out of here.
You're innocent.
You are innocent, right? 'Cause your DNA was found, like, all over the body.
Under the eyelids Nick, of course I'm innocent.
They're saying I'm a serial killer, but I'm just a chronic masturbator.
Stop quoting my law commercials.
Guy Bilzerian? What are you doing here? I'm your fucking lawyer, and you're fucking going home, fucknuts.
I am? The good news is, there's security footage of the real killer throwing the body in the synagogue dumpster.
Oh, thank God.
The bad news is, there's also footage of you tossing dozens of jizz-soaked socks in the same dumpster.
And it's gone viral.
- And this is where you fart? - Yup.
And this is where I picked my nose.
How will I face the kids at school? Look, I know this all seems embarrassing now, boys, but maybe one day you'll look back on this time fondly.
And perhaps even make something beautiful out of it.
What? Like a show about a bunch of kids masturbating? Isn't that basically just like child pornography? Holy shit.
I hope not.
I mean, maybe if it's animated, we can get away with it.
Right? [HORN HONKS.]
Y'all can hop in the back, just shove that shit to the side.
- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you.
Pam? Scorpion? Jay, who are these pillows? We're his family.
Who the fuck are you, bitch? [GROANS.]
This is awkward.

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